JUNKin real life

Volume: 1 Issue: Birth May 23rd 2012

You may or may not be wondering what the heck “JUNK: in real life” is. If you are not wondering, then you have either been privy to its predecessor or you are one of those apathetic people who doesnʼt even care about wonderful institutions that could possibly change your life as you know it. However, this article is intended for those who are mystified by this digital publication and would love to know all sorts of facts and details about it.

JUNK was a small, lower-than-low-budget satire newspaper at a small liberal arts college. It is rumored that the idea for JUNK came suddenly to a sophomore who dreamed of changing the world, but then decided to do that instead. The staff was comprised of a bunch of misfits who somehow ended up becoming an unstoppable force of funny writing and semi-vulgar drawings. As a group, they also partied hard like their college peers, with most of their ugly sweater parties ending in a heated game of charades. As in every story though, all good things must come to an end. Some members graduated, leadership changed hands, and eventually the original staff was all-growed-up, and it was time for them to put their pens down.

That last sentence was just figuratively speaking, as I donʼt think any of us ever hand-wrote an article in all our years. I just thought it sounded dramatic.

Anyway, in the years after college, the members of the group stayed somewhat in contact - a Facebook status “like” here, a dinner get-together there. They had gone their separate ways and went on to become legitimate adults; many were in graduate schools, while others were successful professionals. Despite their newly-found adulthood and the different responsibilities that came with each memberʼs new life path, they all still had one thing in common - they all still enjoyed the same, obscure senseof humor.

Say What?by Amelia McMahon

While reminiscing about the olʼ college days, some members decided to take a shot in the dark and message the old group to see if anyone would be interested in a reunion issue. They thought they might get two or three responses, but within minutes their inbox was flooded with enthusiastic cheers and ideas for articles. It was kind of shocking to get so many people on board so quickly (with everyone having real responsibilities now and all), but at the same time, it wasnʼt; JUNK always was the most awesome collection of people…it appears nothing had changed.

So, here we are. This newly birthed publication has been dubbed “JUNK: in real life” because it reflects the fact that the members are now functioning members of society. It is no longer written from the perspective of young, naïve, hopeful college students, but people who have been thrown into the working world and realize how much life enjoys laughing at their failures. Needless to say, the content will be a lot more realistic, bitter, and possibly more charged with hatred. Enjoy!

Oh, and if youʼre just joining us now…JUNK is not an acronym for anything. Yup, itʼs just capitalized because we feel like it.

We hope you enjoy this issue as much as Tony is enjoying these here burgers!

Normally, people like to stealthily hide their photo credits, but we think the fact that this is from halloweencraze.com makes it even better.

“Even the Mayans couldnʼt predict this...”

l33t

Table of Nonsense:

Say What?: l33t

Interview Tips: Toy

Horrorscopes: Threeve

New Words: Threeve

Weird Apps: 9

Have The Hunger: Elf

Poemazing: Elf

NYC Apt. Hunting: Scott

Neighbors: 2.4

Three Interview Tips for the Real WorldBy Zach RothHowdy, recent college grads! Greetings from the Real World! How was graduation? I’m guessing a potent mixture of terrifying and incredibly boring, yeah? You were squirming in your seat both because your butt hurt after hours of listening to your classmates’ names, and because your butt was moist with worry-sweat.Though, there may be a rare few of you who have something lined up after graduation; probably engineers, chemists, business majors, that sort of thing, yes? What about you artsy folk? Oh, you’re screwed? Yeah, I know that feeling. Well never fear! Having been to the Real World and back, I’ve got a handful of tips kickin’ around in my head that’ll be sure to do you some good.So we all know how easy it is to score an interview these days, what with the innumerable, impersonal job aggregators with no contact information provided. You can practically type “dream job” into the search bar and walk into an interview the next day! So I’ll skip that part. Let’s go right ahead and get ready to ace the interview!  1. Settle for retail. Every job available these days requires 2-5 years of experience, even entry level writing jobs. Nothing you did during your four years at college counts as experience. Don’t believe for a second that the fact you were Editor-in-Chief of the school paper will mean you have editing experience. Don’t expect your internship with a blogging business consultant will convince anyone that you can handle writing simple copy. You should have gotten a Marketing degree if you wanted to do that. However, any retail establishment will be quite impressed with your ability to string a functioning sentence together while also gesturing with your hands. That's called "multi tasking," and it is all the rage! You’ll ace that interview, and they’ll consider you Associate Manager material in six months. That’s a $1.50/hour raise.  2. Cry. Cry deeply. Let the HR person know precisely how important this job is to you by shedding a sheet of fat tear drops on your freshly-printed resume as you hand it across the desk. Your goal is John Coffey in The Green Mile. The HR people need to know that this job is how you will justify the preceding four years of your life. How despite an avalanche of advice to the contrary, you made the right choice by following your dreams and getting an English degree. How you’ll prove to your parents and yourself that you aren’t a fuck-up. You know that they still claim to love you, but you can read their mounting disappointment in their tired eyes.  3. Eat ice cream. Don’t even show up. You know you’re not going to get the job. But you know what will make you feel better? Ice cream. Spring for Ben & Jerry’s. I know it’s $4-5 a pint, but you know what? You’re worth it. Potential employers may not think so, but I do. I know that we’re both worth it, you and I. Did you know they just released a line of Greek Frozen Yogurt? I’ve had the blueberry crisp and the strawberry shortcake. Both delicious! When you’ve been out in the real world for a few years like myself, you’ll get good at combining steps 1, 2 and 3 into productive and fulfilling days. The crying gets all of the sadness out, and the retail job funds your ice cream addiction. It’s really a great cycle. Pretty soon we’ll both hit Associate Manager, and maybe then we can move out of our parents’ houses. It’ll be great.

Toy

We found love in a hopeless place.

davecoulier.tv

June Horrorscopes

Aries – You’re so ugly this month that if Justin Bieber was your boyfriend, he’d let you go ASAP.

Taurus – You’re such a gem of a person this month; keep up the good work!

Gemini – It’s ya birthday, so you better just party like it’s ya birthday!

Cancer- Don’t get involved with tools this month -- the people or the (sometimes) helpful devices.  If you do, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

 

Leo- Lil Wayne went shopping, and talk is still cheap.  So please keep quiet, thanks!

 

Virgo – You’re nowhere near as cute as the closest nearby animal, even if that includes a hog.

Libra- Any compliment you receive this month is an empty one, so please don’t think well of yourself.

 

Scorpio – You’re so boring now that you’re an adult that you will lose all of your friends.  Enjoy!

 

Sagittarius – Scooby Doo. What about him?  You’ll see in the next 2.5 days.

 

Capricorn- If you don’t change your Facebook password to “Buckwheat” or “Alfalfa” this month, bad things WILL happen to you.

 

Aquarius – If you buy a lottery ticket this month, you may or may not win.  Best wishes!

 

Pisces – Jay-Z was off that before you were, so stop trying.

New Words for 2012By Bubba Smith

We all know that the English language is an ever-changing enigma. It is a constantly evolving, living, and breathing organism that appears to feed off our own confusion. Trust me, as an English major who has studied all the intricacies, foibles, and downright stupidities of the language (and as someone who will one day teach English), you could call me an expert. I may not go as far to call myself one, but you, the reader, would certainly be allowed.

Anyway, among such changes is the occasional addition of new words to the lexicon (SAT word, yo!). For example, the word “muggle” was once a figment of Mrs. Rowling’s imagination. Now, it is a recognized piece of English lore referring to you non-magical folk. (By the way, we pity you. Magic is fun!) 

A Facebook thread a couple weeks ago amongst fellow English major friends/English teachers/other random cool peeps led to the creation of several new words that could be implemented into daily use. As with all things English, the list is tentative and always growing. But, for starters, here is a list of fresh, hot-out-of-the-oven words for us to feast on in 2012.

Incentifize: (v.) to make someone incensed by paying for an item only in cents. I incentifized our waiter by paying her $10 tip in 1,000 pennies.

Expendercize: (v.) to expend one’s energy through exercise. It is good to expendercize with P90X or Insanity, but is made worthless by devouring that bowl of ice cream. Oh heck…it’s totally worth it.

Junkercize: (v.) to add junk. I junkercized my desk by collecting old issues of JUNK (shameless plug FTW!).

Ridiculify: (v.) to make ridiculous and/or absurd and/or outlandish and/or silly and/or bizarre and/or…I think you get the idea. They ridiculified their home by surrounding it with an infinite amount of pink flamingos.

Romney: (n.) one who takes a road trip, but mistakenly leaves the family dog on top of the car. He left his dog on top of the car as they drove away and never took him off until they reached their destination. He’s such a Romney.

Threeve

Interpreted by Big Mel Particle

Santa’s beard, plummeting self-esteem, mustaches? There’s an app for that!By Kristen OʼConnor

I wrote my last Junk article in 2009. At that time, you could still survive without a smartphone if you really, really tried. These days? It’s time to cue up your Brooklynite soundboard app: “Fuhgetaboutit!” You NEED a smartphone for more reasons than you ever knew.

For example, did you know there is an app dedicated solely to Nicki Minaj games? Or an app that allows you to unravel virtual rolls of toilet paper, sheet by sheet? I used to scoff at the whole “There’s an app for that” campaign because when it rolled out, most apps actually made sense. Now, however, you can download an array of purposeless and unusual apps, including the following gems:

Toca Hair Salon – Christmas Gift

Omg! There’s an app where you can cut, style, and even dye Santa’s hair and beard! If you’re feeling really outrageous, you can completely shave away his beard – or instantly regrow it (I guess the North Pole doesn't care about FDA-approval on hair care products). The Santa-styling possibilities are endless. Believe it or not, this app is totally free. You know you want it: tocaboca.com/games.

Speaking of Apps....

Some people told me they couldnʼt tell this was a hamster. Then how come the guy guessed it in about six seconds?

Self-eSteam Engine

What do steam engines and self-esteem have in common? Everything, apparently. This app features a cartoon steam engine that says things to you on a bad day to make you feel better about yourself. Phrases such as “There has to be at least one person dumber than you in the whole world!” and “It takes a special person to cry as much as you did” leave this foul train’s mouth time and time again. The more you allow the train to berate you, the more achievements you will unlock in the form of train accessories and scenery. My train now wears a bear suit. Oops…I guess I just admitted that I downloaded this app. Join the club: 3exclamationpoint.com/apps.html.

GEICO BroStache

I don’t know what it is with mustaches lately, but they’ve gone from creepy, dusty remnants of the 70’s to a full-force popular culture phenomenon. Are you totally obsessed with all things fake mustache? GEICO’s got you covered. If you download this app, all you have to do is choose a mustache (don’t worry, there are ‘staches appropriate for meetings, parties, and dates), then hold your phone in front of your face and start talking. The movements of your mouth will be replicated on screen and – wow! - it will look like you have a virtual mustache on a screen in front of your mouth! Experience the magic first-hand: geico.com/about/mobile-apps.html

If any of these wonderfully weird apps catch your eye and you actually download them, please share your experiences. I’m especially interested in the following:

1)    If you have a self-grown mustache, does the fake mustache completely cover it up in GEICO BroStache?

2)    No matter what, my Self-eSteam Train will not say one phrase to me. What is the phrase between “Dumber” and “Opinions” on the sound board?

Enjoy!

9

“Happy Hunger Games!”  Heard this recently, have you?  Or even better, the constant “May the odds be ever in your favor!” shouted from afar by angsty teenagers before sporting events.  No, the kids aren’t playing a post-apocalyptic death-match in which they need to kill their teammates; it’s JUST a BASEBALL game.  And the odds are never in the favor of twelve-year olds…really…until puberty hits, those kids will be having no odds or favors at all.  I am, unfortunately, completely and totally guilty of spouting Hunger Gameisms in every-day conversation. C’mon, I can’t help it.  I teach middle school.  And I’m a nerd.  AND I’m going to marry Peeta; lay off. 

As an avid fan of the book The Hunger Games, I had high expectations for the film; however, I began stalking IMDB as early as last year and was pleased by what I saw: a cast that looked well-fed and capable of showing varying emotions (cough, cough, no Kristen Stewart, THANK YOU), a director who was intelligent enough to include the book’s author in the screenplay of the film, and holy crap!  Lenny Kravitz!  Yes, I had high expectations for The Hunger Games, and frankly, I think the film met them all.

Katniss Everdeen is a seventeen-year-old girl who lives in District 12, a mining state where the people are oppressed by the government and starving. A capable hunter, Katniss provides for her incompetent mother and delicate weakling of a little sister, Prim. Each year, the government, also known as The Capitol, snatches one girl and one boy from each district to compete in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death in which one victor emerges a champion of survival, and ultimately, psychologically scarred for life.  When Prim is chosen to represent District 12 in the Hunger Games, Katniss volunteers herself for the slaughter and is thrown into a bloodbath of epic proportions.  It’s like high school…except the mean girls try to kill you.  Katniss’ partner in crime and ultimately, her love interest, is Peeta Mellark, a sweet and cute dough boy whose only talent is frosting cakes but who proves himself to be the heart-throb of the year (because let’s face it…you love Gale until you find out Liam Hemsworth is dating Miley ‘White-Trash’ Cyrus…what, you didn’t know that?  Oh yeah, he is.  Grossed out now, aren’t you?  Ew.)

On a more serious note, The Hunger Games achieves that which few book to film adaptations do: it follows the book.  While it may not be flawless, subtle changes to the screenplay from the novel are necessary and are integrated smoothly, probably due to author Suzanne Collins’ input. Even Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Parts I and II were not as loyal to the book as The Hunger Games.  And honestly, the more screen time given to Stanley Tucci as Caesar Flickerman is time well-spent, because that man is BRILLIANT and deserves an Oscar for his role as Regis…er…Caesar.

So folks, if you haven’t seen The Hunger Games yet, grab your bows, arrows, and your copy of 1984 and run to the theater before you’re too late!  Worst-case scenario, you’ll only have to shoot a few of the teenagers in the theater.  Happy Hunger Games!

Do You Have the Hunger?

“Black Magic”I am a blood-sucking monster, stalking, stalking, stalking my prey. I watch him, god-like, as he indoctrinates his students, inscribing their souls in BLACK with his indelible inkand giving me a sense ofindelible lovefor himand for themand for usand for deadwhitemenand he quotes me, who plants poems in his dreams with inception"and as I tear open the veins of my inner writer, I shush my Inner Supreme Judge one final time, and let my hot, boiled blood gush upon the world. And then, and only then, am I able to feel that peace......You, he said, are among friends.

“Untitled”"Magic, Fairy God-father,"The godfather, all in black,Marine Biologist by day,"Godfather" by blackest night"bibidi-bobity" he'd always sayin his slo-hillbilly drawl"umpety-tumpety-ump"and with a flourishof his magic menOur English langaugewould evolve once againand men would quit theirglad centrifuge,gasping and gnawing for just a fewminutes of laughter once more once againwhile he would laugh and say"I'll make you from children to men."

By Carolyn King Poemazing

By the Poet in Residence

Elf

I would say that ever since I was a child, I have dreamed of living in the Big Apple, but that would be a hideous lie. I have probably only dreamed of living in NYC since senior year of high school, and even then it seemed more like a faint event that might happen in the distant (very distant) future, sort of like having babies and owning a house. Oh wait, that still seems kind of fuzzy.

But I can say (truthfully) that my fantasies of living in NYC (or any other city) never included cohabitating with mice in a room slightly larger than my parent’s bathroom.  Little did I know that this was to be my reward after looking at 20 apartments in the span of one month. Thus, begins my tale of the Craigslist apartment search.

Although I was beyond thrilled to find out that I would soon be able to move to NYC due to a job transfer, I was less than excited when I realized that everyone I knew who needed a roommate lived in Manhattan. As I was not (and still am not) a millionaire and was sans a sugar daddy, I decided what the hey, and turned to Craigslist to find a roommate in a more affordable borough.

Turns out, Craigslist apartment hunting is a lot like dating. Or online dating to be specific. You read someone’s wanted ad, respond to not one, but several (this is NYC after all, you need to have back-ups) posts, and then wait impatiently for someone to please give you the time of day. Oh wait, maybe this is more like job searching.

Then the first meeting happens. Yes, I said first, because inevitably one or more of the four roommates will not be available to meet when you trek out to the apartment the first time. You ask the same old questions you know they have

NYC Craigslist Apartment HuntingBy Fifi Moonbloods

probably heard a million times, they assess you primarily (let’s face it) based on your looks, and how hygienic you seem. You smile a whole lot in an effort to seem friendly, and then realize that may just come across as psychotic and quickly ramble on in what you try to pull off as friendly banter. Then you exchange “nice to meet yous” and other pleasantries, and once again wait impatiently to see if they give you the courtesy of rejecting you.

Of course, that’s what happens with the nice apartments.

Actually, with the nice apartments you probably are one of three candidates who are visiting the apartment at the same time, where you all pretend to be the bigger person and like each other but secretly are looking for reasons why you are superior (wait, that is what everyone does right?).

Then there are the majority of the apartments you visit which, to be blunt, are shitholes.  These apartments probably made up 95% of the places you look at.

For instance, on paper, everything seems great, but once you get there the “cozy” room advertised seems suspiciously similar to a closet, an assumption quickly verified by the lack of a window. This is also illegal, but whatever.

Other previously dubbed “amazing” rooms may turn out to be sectioned off from the living room by a curtain, and then again, other rooms are the living room itself (oh did they forget to mention that?).  While some potential roommates may also accidentally forego mentioning they have cats, others may full on forget to mention their six-year-old spawn who they claim you will “never notice.”

“Conveniently close to the train” can be loosely translated to mean anywhere from one block to twenty blocks away, and if you’re a male you might as well give up before you start because at least 80% of ads will say “female preferred.”

Now, of course when asked about cockroaches, mice, and bedbugs, you are immediately pleased to find out that this is the one apartment in NYC that has never ever heard of those creatures much less seen them. Sure, they may have one or two super small water bugs sometimes but other than that, life is great. Delighted, you later Google what a water bug is only to find that it is simply another term for cockroach. Naturally, manipulation is one of the many traits you are looking for in a future roommate.

And, in some cases, your roommate may set up some ground rules. This is to be expected, as you will be living together after all. Rules may include any and all of the following:  you are not allowed to wear high heels after 6 p.m., you may take up exactly one fourth of the freezer (conveniently blocked off and labeled), you cannot cook,  drink, smoke, or make any outside contact with the opposite sex, obviously, and you must never have any friends over (male or female)…ever. Other than that, they are super laid back and can’t imagine why they can’t keep a roommate.

Thus, 20 apartments later, after meeting only one of the roommates for a mere five minutes and dangerously close to my moving date, I decided to move in and take my chances. I’m allowed to wear high heels whenever I want, have a door made of wood, full access to the refrigerator, and have only sighted one mouse.  All in all, it’s awesome.

Javier Carbajal

Scott

NeighborsBy Kristen OʼConnor and Amelia McMahon

Neighbors. We all have them.Whether you’re in a house, an apartment, or a jail cell, you’ll always have to deal with somebody else’s shit. Fortunately, if you have a house, you can probably escape most of your neighbor’s antics. If you’re in a jail cell, you can always just stab the guy next to you. What’s the worst that can happen; you add a couple of years to your life sentence? However, an apartment is a unique situation.Let’s set the scene. We are roommates in our 20′s living in an apartment complex that has its fair share of characters. Being that we are both just starting our careers, get a little mind picture of the type of place we are able to afford. Heck, it doesn’t look too bad, but you have to consider the clientele in a low-rent building.Let’s start with some of the downstairs neighbors. These neighbors were a problem from the very second, yes second, that we moved in. Here is a replication of the very first text messages that were sent from our apartment:(Kristen was at the apartment after signing the lease while Amelia was on her way).Kristen: Ever since I got here, the family downstairs has been blasting Spanish music and playing some sort of horn.Amelia: HA! We made a great choice.Kristen: Still playing the horn. Good news: the music has stopped. Bad news: there is definitely an angry baby involved.Kristen: Also, I realized I think I hate Bruno Mars.Amelia: Who doesn’t?Now, day one was pretty much an appropriate summation of what we would experience on the daily. We have also gathered that their entire apartment must be lined with various cabinets, because that’s the only way that eight doors can slam at once. When we’re not falling asleep to the sounds of Bachata music, we are fortunate enough to hear the same exact children’s DVD as we drift off to sleep, night after night. No wonder we always have dreams about oversized, dancing, Spanish-speaking bears.

2.4

Moving on to our next door neighbor. We have seen him a total of five times, and each time he had a different reason to hate us. Mind you, we basically sit and watch TV and search the internet for mildly entertaining internet videos all night, and heaven forbid we have any other friend to invite over, so we have to be some of the quietest neighbors in existence. However, this man does not like the way we “close the door” and doesn’t like the way the hallway “smells.” Of course, we look at each other like, how can we fix either of these problems? The kicker was one night when in a burst of happiness, we broke out into an impromptu happy dance for about six seconds. He angrily knocked on the door and requested we stop shaking his ENTIRE APARTMENT.Gather round the campfire kids, because there is one more story. We have a questionable neighbor who looks about 70 with pink-tinted hair. The first time we met her, we thought for certain she was on crack, but now we are only 80% sure. Anyway, we affectionately named her “Wol” (Weird Old Lady). The reason we needed a code name was because she actually listens to every conversation we have. She also has our work schedules memorized so that she can be “sweeping the door stoop” at 7am, conveniently being able to ask us personal questions as we try to leave for the day. Our favorite was when she obviously heard Kristen break up with her boyfriend, then decided it was a good idea to ask about it right as she left for work. What a silly little a-hole. She also requested that we not “walk so loud” or “bother the dog with the sound of the shower turning on.”In conclusion, we have ascertained that our neighbors would prefer us to not have vital signs. What makes no sense to us is how they never actually complain about each other. Wow, we are really thinking about that now and really wondering how the hell that is possible. Anyway, enjoy your neighbors! Who apparently never plan on moving anywhere else. Ever.

This is an extremely accurate depiction of Wol.

JUNK in real life is....Swell!...............................................Emily GibbonsFancy!................................................Carolyn KingCryptic!......................................Amelia McMahonHungry!..........................................Fifi MoonbloodDiplomatic!................................Kristen O’ConnorSimple!................................................Mel ParticlePurple!....................................................Zach Roth Edgy!..................................................Bubba Smith

Closure

Well, that’s that! You’ve now completed an entire issue. How do you feel? Smarter? Cooler? More willing to hug a bear than you have ever been before? We can’t actually hear you answer these questions, so it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, if you’d like to send hate mail OR be involved in the next issue, e-mail junkIRL@live.com. Bye!

Job PostingsWe know how hard it is to find a job these days, so we collected some job postings that you may interest you.

WANTED:

Professor of English. Five Masters degrees required. Must speak like James Bond and possess ability to charm unwitting undergraduate girls into taking your classes and switching majors. Candidates who look like Sean Connery a plus.

Please e-mail: EnglishRocks@wisdom.org

WANTED:

Financial Assistant. Must have Bachelorʼs degree in Finance and solid recommendations. Ideal candidates will have enthusiasm, good work ethic, and at least fourteen years experience operating hovercrafts in the Sudan.

Call Pets Anonymous and ask for Jason.

MULTIPLE POSITIONS:

Do you crave to work in a fast-paced environment? Do you thrive on the friendship and camaraderie of your co-workers? Do you want to finally put that college degree to use? Our company is seeking dynamic custodians, housekeepers and street sweepers today! 5+ years experience preferred.Call: 555-493-2121

AVAILABLE:

Seemingly cool, entry-level marketing job. We will promise you advancement in the company and good benefits, but youʼll really just be selling knives door to door. The sad thing is, youʼll probably still contact us anyway.

E-mail: SparkleMarketing@SparkleM.com

Samuel L. Jackson seriously recommends that you like JUNK on Facebook.

https://www.facebook.com/thejunkmagzimbio.com