Cast of Characters, in order of appearance:

Lord Eric Charles Licthenburg III (Eric Salitsky)Duchess Rebecca of Kent (Becky Harris)Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen of the High Seas (Rachel Hock)The Overseer Noah of the Ark (Noah Slovin)Battlelord Daniel of the Order of the Golden Harp (DanDan)The Grand Alchemist (Josh Mocle)Captain Sme (Eli Katzen)DJ Zebra (Sam, I think?)The 63nd Viscountess Laure Emile of Costello-Gallin (Laura)Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas (Jacob Kieval)Sir Eli of the Order of the Square Table (Also Eli Katzen)El Potter del Norte, the Wand'ring Mercen'ry of Greate Renowne & Genral of Hot Desire (Stephen Potter)Lady EFish of the Pan-pipers (Emily Fishman)Alex, Chieftan of the Black Moon Clan, Favored of the Dark (Alex Woogmaster)Commodoress Anna of Waban (Anna Gilman)The Princess of the Southern Quarters (Yael)Hannah (Hannah Levintova)The Baroness Chavi of Rhodes (Chavi Rhodes)Oracle Lim of Arabia (Limor Hochberg)Xual'quankl'ic of the Liberian Marshes (???)The Great Alshabahlakamookodiki a.k.a. Dr. Ew (???)

Lord Eric Charles Lichtenstein vs. Dutchess Rebecca of Kent

The cause of this war is based on acts of extreme disrespect on the part of Lord Eric in the castle of Dutchess Rebecca. Further elaboration on this matter will not be made available to you.

IYour Castle in the Moores of Sharon has been breached. all the food has been stolen and prince david isbeing held for a ransom of 500,000 pounds.SURRENDER!~Lord Eric

II NEVER! For you abuse to my dear bother, my soldiers have captured both Lord Ira and Lady Amy. They are EACH being hld ransom for 500,000 pounds.YOU Surrender!~Dutchess Rebecca

P.S. That would be duke david, not prince.

III "Dutchess" Rebecca, Your capturing of my relatives is an insult to my honor. Keep them! They were on the verge of

rebellion anyways. Just for that "Duke" David has received 15 lashes ans his food rations have been decreased. My troops have orders to burn your castle to the ground at my word. You have 10 hours to surrender or you will be obliterated.~Lord Eric

IV"""Lord""" Eric,In retaliatin for your aduse to my dear brother my soldiers have done two things.First they have chopped up the bridge that crosses your moat, between the caslt and land, and have filled the moat with man-eating serpents that haven't been fed for a year. Only I hold the secret of how to tame them.Second, they have captured your favorite concubine. the girl sitting with you is an illusion only you cansee cast by an unbreakable spell by the witches of my kingdom. If you want the original state of your castle restored, and the wench returned unharmed, then you must surrender you kingdom to me within the next 4 hours.~ Dutchess Rebecca

[Disclaimer: If one of us writes something stupid/pathetic which wrecks the whole thing, based on the opinion of a random junior whose opinion we will specificlaly ask for on the matter, the letter will be disregarded.Signed: Lord EricDutchess Rebecca

------V:Ever irritating duchess,in response to the first action, is it not lucky for you that i have beenpreparing all my life for such a poisonous snake occasion and have beeninnoculating myself to become immune to snake poison and snake bites alike.My people are also sickened by your horrendus actions. Not only did youbreak the 3rd ammendmant of the Western Powers saying that witchcraft wasnot allowed to be used in a time of war, but you also broke law 4,subgroup 2, line 6 of the Ordinance of Fair Warfare which says that youcan not hurt, capture, or kidnap any of the personal subjects of theleader, in this case my sweet sweet concubine Josephina...Becuase of your breach of this contract i have no choice but to attackwith the same means of weapon, witchcraft, and my high sorcerers have sentangry llamas that have corrosive diarrhea that if your people dont diefrom the horrible sight they will by the horrible stench.Also, i kicked Dumb Duke David in the shin today and he started crying soi gave him some warm milk and made him pretend to be a cat.I suggest you hand over your kingdom to the mighty reign of lichtenbergbefore you are obliterated.With everlasting hatred, Lord Eric Charles Lichten

**(correction on the disclaimer, what rebecca meant was this: we acceptanyone who wants to join a side in the war but it will be discussed

between us first in the case that someone writes "dear eric and becky, iblow up your castles and win yay!!!" or the like)------------VIPathetic "Lord",You broke the law 4, subgroup 2, line 6 of the Ordinance of Fair Warfare first by kidnapping my poor bother.. i was left with no choice but to follow your example with actions to threaten you equally.Regardning the matter of the llamas. Unlike you who probably only inocuolated yourself against the serpents, leaving your workers to an almost guaranteed death, i have taken the time to innoculate all of my people against the general harmful substances, corrosive diarrea. As for the sight of it, my people are far braver than you suggest them to be... they can certainly handle simply looking at the sight of corrosive diarrea.I have also bred these serpents very secretly over the last five years... no one knew anything of them, and their venom is uniquely mutated.. no innoculation you have could spare you... i do, however own an antidote to this venom. if you have already gotton your overly confident behind involved with the snakes and recieved one bite (which is unlikey as they would just eat you if they were close enough to bite you) you have 24 hourse from the time you received the bite in order to surrender your kingdom to me at which point i will present you with the antidote. with stronger hatred,Dutchess Rebecca---------------Oh Dutchess of PatheticnessIt is such a shame that you spent so much time breeding those snakes andputting them in the moat, as I have a secret underground tunnel that islarge enough for my great nation and i to follow through until the secretisland of sasquatch which can only be found by people who know where it is.And about the llamas, they were just an appetizer for the main course ihad planned. Not only is it rump of wild boar but i snuck it into all ofyour food supplies, even the secret ones hidden in the back... the spanishspies i sent know every crevice of your kingdom and can dance the magicalspanish dance of freedom that will put anyone who sees it in a state ofshock from the sheer beauty of the dance. Thus they knew every crevice ofyour kingdom and every piece of food was dekosherized.by the way, sorry about being the first to break the law on subjects ididnt realize it worked for family too, i thought it was just servents.WITH GREAT ANGER, Lord (soon to be GRAND KING) Eric Charles Lichtenburg III--------------Intervention from the Pirate Queen Rachel:dear eric and becky, i blow up your castles and win yay-------------------My Dear "Lord" Eric Charles Lichtenstein and Dutchess Rebecca of Kent,First of all, I must introduce myself. Call me the Overseer. I am the peer of this realm, and I must insist that both of you cease ad desist this absurd quibbling at once. Look at what you are doing to my beautiful kingdom! Corrosive LLama shit is destroying everything! You "Lord" Eric, you and your moronic wizardry, your foolish plans of conquest! You are the one who shall go down first. I should have kown after you walked into that parked car that you could not be trusted on my land. I thought I killed you with that Hydrogen Bomb. Very well. This is a warning to you both, stop your senseless destruction of my land, or I shall be forced to rid it of you. I have powers you cannot even imagine, thatyour inferior brains simply cannot grasp. Llamas?! If you are not gone from this realm by the rising of

the next moon, then you shall never see the moon rise again!! The rivers will turn to camp Ramah chocolate pudding! It will literally start raining men. Your TV's will only show Wonder Woman(TM) reruns! I WARN YOU< YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!!

Love,The big O

PS: if you refuse, I'm joining the Dutchess--------------------well thats not a very fair request then is it, becuase obviously the "grand dutchess" is going to decline! and you know what, i like wonder woman reruns and chocolate pudding.so if you decide to join the dutchess which i politely request you dont... then BRING IT BITCH!!love, The lord--------------You know what actually, join the dutchess i have my own ally. As of a couple minutes ago a treaty has been formed between the kingdom of Lichtenburg and the 3 states contained in the Confederace of the Order of the Golden harp. FEEL OUR WRATH

"Master,I battlelord Daniel of the Order of the Golden Harp (DanDan) am your humle and oblidging pawn. I will nevre allow the trechery done agaist you and your household to stand. I will show no mercy as I obliterate the spaw of the vile dutches from this world with my might battle ax."------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel declares that she tires of this silly little warrrrr and will commandeer and plunder all of your vessels. She will give no quarter. She has no alliances and sails under her own colors. She will keelhaul all who oppose her.-Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen-----------------Very well, I expected as much.I hereby declare war against Lord Eric Charles Lichtenstein and his ally Daniel of the Order of the Golden Harp, and all others who chose to ally with him.I also Request of the most honerable Dutchess Rebecca of Kent that she accept my offer for alliance.And Rachel, Lord of the Seas, Master of Pirates and so on, I have heard of your deeds and I beseech you rescind (sp) your declaration of third-party-hood and I ask that you join my forces, so that we might wipe the evil, tree killing Eric and Dandan alliance off the face of both land and sea.As for myself, I shall send forth my armies to fall upon Eric and Dandan. My agents will infiltrate your tightest defenses, my infantry special forces will block your passage on every road. Have you the power to battle an army of Oliphaunts?(sp) Can you fight off the ancient Wyrmes of the lower world? You cannot stop me, Eric and Dandan.This is a battle cry! Join me! Rebel against this "Lord" Eric who walks into parked cars, and this Daniel, who can do everything better than you can....A new age has come! To arms![-Overseer]----------------VIII. (please remember to number your letters everyone!)

I graciously accept the offer of the Big O. We will conquer this pathetic force of the Golden harp allied with Lor Eric. As for Lord Eric's petty counterattacks... i will inform you that Josephina has now been violated by many different kinds of people in my kingom, men, women, horses... the usual. starngely, she seems to

be enjoying every minute of it and has expressed no wish to be returned to you. Think of what that saysabout your abilities in the bed-chamber. In cace you are too dense to make this conclusion... you blow the big one in the bedroom.My witches had again prevailed upon your petty attempts at annihilation of my kingdom. Anyone sent from your kingdom will never be able to see anyone from mine, but it doesnt work the other way around and it is an ireversable spell that prevents you from sending your witches from putting the same spell on my people. In fact the head of the witches has just informed me that you will have to resort to purely mundane measures as she has put an irreversiblae spell on your kingdom sucking out all of the magic, leaving you magicless and me twice as strong magically.We also have a limitless food supply, the details of which i will not give you, as you will quite obviously work to destroy it. So your efforts have been a complete waste of time. As for this Queen Rachel, my spies have informed me that she is not infact a queen but is in fact a witch unafilliated with my kingdom or lord eric's. She is also dead, trampled by wild boar, probably from lord eric's tawdry efforts to wreck our food supply which was, again, a fruitless attempt.With hate towards Lord Eric and the order of the Goldem harpand with love and appreciation towards the Big O,Dutchess rebecca of Kent --------------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel declares thusly:Lady Rachel is indeed not affiliated with any realm of The Duchess' kingdom. She is the Queen of the high seas. Her domain is the entire ocean and cannot be confined by kingdom borders. As for being trampled by wild boar, she is in fact alive and well. Your spies must have come across the mangled remains of her landlubbin' evil twin sister, the late Lady Radiel. The rumors that Lady Rachel is a witchare merely myths that surround her mysterious persona. She has great power, but none of them are magical or witchy. She has also intercepted two of your war galleons. Your naval commanders are making friends with the sea anenomes who reside in Davy Jones' Locker. She also plundered four of Lord Eric's merchant vessels. She thanks the Lord for his jewels, and particularly enjoys playing sea chanteys on the elegant golden harp.With deepest sincerity,Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen of the High Seas-----------------------IX

None of what Lady Rachel has been saying is true. She is addicted tomedieval LSD. Take none of her words for truth... at least thats whatLord Eric has been tellinghis people as my spies can confirm.Dutchess Rebecca of Kent-----------------------First, I will proclaim who I am and what my powers are.I am The Overseer, the groundskeeper of Her Majesty's Holy Gardens and Master of Her Majesty's Natural Forces. No, not the queen of England, her majesty Mother Nature.Now, I have bad news for some, and worse news for others.The Pirate Queen Rachel indeed yet lives. My spies have seen her with their own eyes. That's the bad news.The worse news is only such for Rachel. Do you really think your puny ships can harm us? I am Noah (that's my real name), the one and the same that sailed the seas that covered the Earth so many years ago. Your boats are like floating toothpicks before my battleships!I have sent out five battalions of battlecruisers to destroy your puny fleet. The sea monsters that hearken to my call will tear at your hulls from below while my Royal Eagles tear at your skulls from

above. You cannot withstand these ships. I have already destroyed a gaggle of your ships while they laysiege on one of the Dutchess's islands. Your pilaging force on the colony of Rachelsucks has been burned. You will not prevail. I would offer you a last chance for alliance were I not so disgusted by your naive insolence. Prepare to die, Queen Rachel of the Pirates, your days draw to a close.----------------------------Lord Eric, I, The Grand Alchemist, Master of the mystic arts of the Northern Marshes and the world proper, offer my services to you my Lord, if you shall have me. I await your response.

The Grand Alchemist-----------------------I have received an anonymous hint that Lord Eric is planning something drastic for tonight... i have subsequently stationed body guards around my grounds- medusa's... which eric obviously cannot see due to the spell my witches have.cast upon him and his people... who's stonefaced now?! he also has nomagic in which to fix this "stoning" of sorts... The Dutchess Rebecca--------------------Are you really that dumb, Alchemist? Do you think that you have any chance of surviving if you join this pathetic scalywag Eric and his bumbling ally Daniel? I reccommend you retract your offer for alliance with the evil Eric by tomorrow morning. If you do not, you might end up feeling a little.... uncomfortable. After reading your letter I had my spies place a fatal poison in your food. Only I have the antidote. Retract your statement or you will die.

The Overseer.-----------------The Pirate Queen Rachel declares thusly:The powerful Overseer has succeeded in sinking a few of my ships. Luckily my flag ship evaded his forces. As for Lord Eric's claims of my medieval substance abuse, I do not use such substances. I allow my crew to indulge themselves in rum every now and then, but do not inflict myself with such toxins.-Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen---------------------Pirate Rachel, Queen of the high seas, I bequeath you with a letter of Marque. you will have protection from noah's and any other ally of mine's powers, in addition to freedom from prosecution from my government for the remainder of yourlife if you remain faithful to me.In hope of being your protecter,Dutchess Rebecca--------------------To the great Queen Rachel of the Pirates,Forgive my attack on your ships, I was acting in the heat of my anger. I have discussed with the Duchess and realized my wrong. I offer you the services of all my sea and air creatures if you will forgive my transgression.Also, I would like to make it clear that as I am Noah, of the Ark, I have complete control over all animals.

The Overseer Noah of the Ark, and Groundskeeper for Her Majesty's Holy Lands--------------------------To the Grand Duchess Rebecca,Your offer is very tempting and I feel that I am inclined to accept. I would just like to make clear that

me allegience remains owed to none but meself. I will be faithful to your kingdom by preying upon Lord Eric's belligerent and merchant fleets. I will agree to give your treasury five per-cent of me swag in return for your generous protection. I would also like to have Noah's Ark as part of me fleet in returnfor the damage he has wrought upon me ships that now lie in the deep blue.As Ever,Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen---------------------XIXRachel, you must have recieved my apologies after you wrote your response, or you would have seen my offer. But perhaps you simply were not content with my animals. Either way, I am sorry to inform you that my original ark is quite obsolete and useless, and is besides in a museum (or was, I just closed it for the war and hid the ark, so don't even think about trying to steal it, Eric and friends.) I cannot afford to give you any of my ships, though. Besides, your allegiance is with Becca, you have not swornany to myself. I offer you allegience now and agree to help protect you should anyone attack you. Although you are the scourge of the seas, I still have a fair amount of water power. I will send ships manned by my sailors to help you, and will keep a battalion ready to aid you in case of an attack. Furthermore, you shall have all the help you can desire of the Great Whales and the Sharks (not the gang).

The Overseer Noah of the Ark, Groundskeeper of Her Majesty's Holy Gardens and Master of Her Majesty's Natural Forces, Commander in Cheif of the Ubul.----------------------I, captain Sme, declare you a liar. and you're yeller. if you do not decist your stupid bragging, I shall blast your masts off with my eighteen pounders and thus prove to the world that you are a big liar and that you are harmless. I can outsail you with a crew of handless sailors. However, I take all this back if you feel the need to join me. You shall be a captain in my fleet which will some day rule the world. youcan either be second to no one except me, or you can sleep in davie jones' locker. THe choice is yours.-Sme-------------------I DJ Zebra, grand rapper and ship navigator hereby offer my services to the heretofore neutral Sme.----------------------Lord Eric,I would like to ask you if you are looking for a new member in this fight against tyranny, Duchess Rebecca, and all else that is evil. I am offering my services as Viscountess to your team, and hope that you will accept my inquiry. Before I mudered the late Viscount Planet for his sizable amount of life insurance, people were apt to say this in reference to his good and holy deeds, "Looting and polluting, Is not the way!" I almost didn't kill him, and then I realized his blue-green skin did not appeal to me in any way, and this man, my husband, was useless to me. The preceding story may seem like a tangent, but it's not. It's just another angle. The fact is, I'm rich, I'm ruthless, and I'll fight for what I believe in. Come hell (in Duchess Rebecca's case) or high water (in Queen Rachel's case).

If you do not accept my offer within twelve hours, Lord Eric, your last hours will be spent with Miriam, who is still hot and heavy after thousands of years of being dead, trout with lasers attched to their heads, and a large bag of fungus-infected toenail clippings. Oh, and I will join one of the other teams. However, if you do accept, you will be most appreciative of all I am willing to do in this fight for true good.

Sincerely, Viscountess Laure

(yes, with an E)---------------------you guys are freakin' weird. I mean, I just now got this conference on my FirstClass after Jacob Kriegelhad it the whole time, and I open it up and see all these pirate emails! Is this what everyone uses the conference for? that's just weird.

And please don't attack me with your pirate vessels, or form an allegiance against me.

Respectfully,Jacob (Lord Jacob maybe? Grand High Super In-Charge of Everybody in the World Jacob the Pirate Master? Yeah, that last one sounds good.) ----------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel proclaims:Me Captain, Cap'n Sme, was a tad intoxicated when he wrote that trecherous letter. Though I be the Pirate Queen, I am a subordinate of Cap'n Sme. I admit I may have been a bit bold without consulting me Cap'n. I be the Pirate Queen, but I be merely a member of Cap'n Sme's crew.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen & Quartermaster under Cap'n Sme's command.-------------------Pirate Queen Rachel offers the lad Jacob Kieval the position of Cabin Boy. -------------------I, cap'n Sme, appologise to my good subordinate Rachel (queen of all pirates). I, as was suggested, had had a bit too much rum and as was the case, viewed her rantings as threats directed at me. I revoke my threats to her and hope she accepts my appology. Also, it would seem that I, while Intoxicated, my ship navigator came in to offer me some coffee. I heard it as "I hate you blah blah blah coffee blah blah blahI could do a better job as captain than you, you smell, I hate you, and blah." (it was very strong rum). Apon hearing this I threw my dagger at his heart and then grabbed it out, stuck it in his side (towards the lower part), and then ripped it upward, spilling his innards all over the deck. I then drew my saber and sliced his head off, leaving the spinal cord. then ripped his head upwards pulling the rest of his spine out with it. he died. As is the case, I was in need of a new navigator and thus accept DJ Zebra, grand rapper, as my new navigator. I also declare that we have not offered or accepted any alliance withanyone. It doesn't matter what the queen said, We have no alliances. We will rule all. Ourselves. yah, whatever.-Captain (and soon to be ruler of all) Sme--------------------I, Sir Eli of the order of the square table, am a wandering knight on a quest to banish Evil from the lands. I thus offer my services to the most righteous and awsome Lord Eric. I will be your most hardcore knight. Your servant,-Sir Eli of the order of the square table--------------------------Regarding the recent offering from Rachel the Pirate Queen:

I am discinclined to acquiesce to your request.....means no. Ok, maybe Grand High Super In-Charge of Everybody in the World Jacob the Pirate Master was a bit much, but there must be something better than Jacob the Cabin Boy. Please inform me if ye feel a change in the winds or a change in the mind.

Respectfully,Jacob the Unemployed (for now)----------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel is confused by her Captain's dealings. First, he shows pirate brutality, the

likes of which have not been seen since Ned Low was hanged. Then he professes that he has entered knighthood under a different handle. The Pirate Queen Rachel is at a loss.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen-------------------------As Lord of the Realm of Matriculation, i hereby accept all offers from the freelance leaders to join my cause. This includes The Great Alchemist, Viscount Laure, and Sir Eli (I'm not sure if hes the same as Sme, maybe yes maybe not maybe hes schizophrenic but either way the knight one is on my side)Also unlike the Evil Scoundrel Despot Rebecca I have decided to unite all of the kingdoms originally under my control, and create a new kingdom- not of seperate states, but as one unified state that will reign in this time of troubles. The current leaders will form a council and together, as one, we will destroy the seperate evil states that threaten my people. It has been too long since a time of peace has spread throughout these lands, and i will bring my people that. I ask kindly that the Dutchess and her subjects join this new council and as one we will prosper !!!(obviously you will have to surrender first though)My wizards have searched the Caves of Daranoth and found a species known as The Salamand, they have no eyes becuase there is no light in their caves, but their other senses are developed far beyond thegreatest men, they can jump heights higher than the highest trees, and they breathe fire. They are also very friendly to people they trust and i have one as a pet actually, its name is Pookie and hes really cute(arent you Pookie? Arent you?) They were sent days ago along with the greatest siege weapons invented recently by The Great Alchemist and they are almost in position as we speak.Too many deaths have occured, and too many people have suffered. I want this war to end hopefully with your consent and surrender but if it takes means more preposterous than that, so it be.Please accept this surrender, i do not wish to harm you.Former Lord Eric Charles Lichtenburg III------------------------------Kieval Boy,

as only one of Duchess Rebeccas brood could, you have been disrespected by the pirate "Queen" and thus i am offering you, despite our former disagreements, a position as my apprentice in the mystic arts,however, you must pledge your allegence to Lord Eric and when not under my tutilage, you must serve him with all your soul forevermore. respond with haste young one, for i will not be so generous for long.

The Grand Alchemist, Master Of The Mystic Arts of The Northern Marshes and the World Proper---------------------------Jacob, I understand your feelings of being insulted by the apparently treacherous "Queen" Rachel of thepirates. I offer you allegiance with mine and Becky's forces. You shall have whatever position you require (within reason) and will be given troops, weapons and strongholds, unless you manage to come by some by yourself. Please, join our fight against the Defilers.Oh pirate Queen Rachel, what the heck is going on? Do you really claim to be serving under this "Sme"character? I know that you deserve better than that, and that there is no need for you to serve under him. And besides that, if I were in your place his empty threats to destroy your ships would simply bee annoying as the buzzing of a mosquito! (Pretty damn annoying)Furthermore, I call for a vote of all acting parties in this war. This means Eric, Dandan, Rachel, Becky, Myself, and possibly Laura, Eitan, Mocle and Jacob: What of this Sme? First he says he is a rogue pirate who wants to destroy Rachel. Then he claims to be Rachel's Captain, and then he says that he is aknight searching to battle evil and joins Eric. I vote that we tell him to start all over and figure out whathe really is. This is simply absurd! This whole thing is getting slightly out of hand. We need some rules,some guidelines. I figure that one of the unspoken rules is that if you join the war you can only be ONE

PERSON! I suppose this is up for debate, which is why I call for a summit meeting, or something, where we can vote on these matters.

By the way, I sent out an army of spiders and ants, which infiltrated the Grand Alchemist Mocle's laboratory and destroyed his entire stock of potions. This destroyed the entire laboratory, as my scouts reported that when the chemicals were spiled on the floor and mixed together, they created a huge explosion.I have also infected thousands of mosquitos with a deadly virus, and have them stationed outside most of my enemies' fortresses, prepared to kill off entire cities.

That is all,The Overseer------------------------Sorry guys, but i read what just happened and i just can't let it go.Eric, take your head out of the clouds and look around you. Watch your people and your soldiers die. First their eyes start oozing yellow puss, then blood. Their teeth and hair fall out. Their skin dries and cracks and their blood circulation begins to decline. They start coughing up phlegm and sneezing, before choking to death. And so on and so forth.Even as I miss dinner, battalions of termites are burrowing into your new seige weapons. Etc, I have to go.Oh and Mocle, how are you likeing your new pet tapeworms?Jacob, I again extend my offer for you to join me. You will be rewarded.As for the rest of you, i will destroy you all shortly, but now, dindin.

The Big Angry O-------------------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel would like to know why, as of late, her title has appeared between quotation marks. Also, she does not appreciate the Overseer's attempts to pit her against her Cap'n.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen----------------------------I see you have not changed old friend [Overseer], still as headstong as ever, never looking in more than one place at a time, and this will be your downfall, since the laboratory you have destoryed is but ONE of my strongholds, the potions inside, merely useless stock. I knew that such a target would be irresistable to you, and while you're sites were focused there, I have sent my Herald, the bold MatthewRoberticus of The Stone Rain Clan, along with a fleet of Salamand and a task force of Lord Erics best men to utterly destroy your fortress. good luck controlling the Salamand my friend, i've places a concarnicus spell over everyone, they are immune from your poison touch. I have also placed an toxicus noramus spell over Matthew and his men, along with all of Lord Erics armies, making them furthermore immune to any sickness or inner affliction you may try to inflict. my and Lord Erics forcesshould be nearing you now, so just remember, you're good old friend, But I, I am better.

The Grand Alchemist, Master Of The Mystic Arts of The Northern Marshes and The World Proper-----------------------Well, as of now I am sure of one thing and one thing only. I shall not join up with Queen Rachel, if that is her real name. As she can doubtless see I have been offered allegiances with the Alchemist Mocle as well as with the Overseer, Noah of the Ark. I have just one question before I make my decision: who's side is everyone on, for the record? Seems we haveAlchemist Mocle joined up with Lord Eric on one side, Dutchess Rebecca and Overseer Noah on another, and Queen Rachel who seems to always be switching sides. I shall inform all parties of my decision shortly.

Jacob of the Confused----------------------From afar, I, El Potter del Norte, the Wand'ring Mercen'ry of Greate Renowne & Genral of Hot Desire, have o'erheard rumours and Innuendoes of a great and bloody battle being waged On the terrible fields of the FirstClass. My skills with such weapons as the salad fork and the terrible Goofy Grin are legendary, as well as my sauvity with regards to the womenfolk. I and my army of recently unemployed telemarketers are completely immoral and willing to offer our services to the group or faction that offers the most lucritive compensation package. All offers must include at least 3 hogsheads of mead and a complete set of Harmonicas (All the Keys)

Moste Eagrely Awatieing Your offeres,El Potter del Norte, Mercen'ry of Greate Renowne & General of Hot Desire----------------------My deal is this, so listen goodI work for whoever is giving me foodI'm steerin' this ship out 'cross the blue'Cause my Cap'n Sme is one cool dude.His grub's aight, so I'll swab the deckAnd catch his enemies with a fist in the neck.

DJ Zebra-------------------Jacob, I am just as confused as you. Rachel seems to infact be under the command of Sme (hence the "Queen) and Sme=Eli=Knight= on Eric's side, even though this Sme/Knight guy doesn't make any sense. Therefore it seems to me that Rachel is sided with Eric, as is Mocle. Therefore I again Urge you to join my side, with the Dutchess.Mocle - you fool! Do you really think you can destroy my "Fortress"? I'm not that foolish. I have no fortress for you to attack, fool! I live amongst nature, and nature protects me, and that is a wall you cannot breach. And you have proved my success in fooling your spies. That army you sent out was not heading toward any fortress, it was heading straight into a trap. First of all, your theoretical MathewRoberticus does not exist, because he is no longer a member of this class, and you have to stop obsessing over him. But this is debateable, so I'll let it go. Your forces, as they marched, were ambushed by my Ubul and animal friends, and when they tried to escape the Mutre, the Living Trees, decided not to let them go. As for Eric the Defiler's Salamand troops, my Ubul easily shot them out of the sky when they jumped super high, with some help from my Great Eagles. They apparently do not like tiger claws, either. The point of this message, Dear Mocle, is that your entire force was wiped out andthat next time you try to attack me with The Defiler's forces, ask his permission first. We interrogated one of your men and found the whereabouts of many of your major potion depots. They have all been destroyed, about 15.

Resistance is FutileThe Overseer---------------------------------You see? This is why the Pirate Queen Rachel likes to avoid alliances. It just becomes confusing for everyone. And as for the General of hot Desire, he and his money-back lines are pure evil.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen--------------

My skill's my rhymin' so yo quit chimin'bout your magic or you'll die, man.My magic flows from my mic controlwhat's my favorite tac? I'd say a roll,cause yo I sail fast with my double mastsand if you step up to sme, you'll leave in casts.

DJ Zebra

p.s. I spent all day listening to House of Pain and Beastie Boys-- these rhymes are not my fault-----------------------Senor Potter del Norte, I have heard of your abilities in times of war, and I would be happy to welcome you into my services. Though i am opposed to the consumption of animals, I grant your request and raise it, with 10 Full barrels of mead and a complete set of Harmonicas, as well as your own kingdom to rule over should we win. Why be a mercanary when you can be a king. If you do wish to continue your wanderings in the north, I will be happy to give you money, food and forces, and women if you sodesire, to pleasure yourself with. I am slightly unsure about your telemarketers, but I trust you, and so i trust them. Peace be with you if you join me.Jacob, you will also be rewarded this lavishly if you join me.I have found another cache of potions beonging to the Alchemist.I again say that something has to be decided about this Sme/Knight. And Queen Rachel (or Captain Sme), which side are you on?

The Overseer----------------------My title has been changed to:

The 63nd Viscountess Dillon of Costello-Gallin, Laure Emile.

Make note. Or else.------------------------------I, Lady EFish of the Pan-pipers, offer my humble services to whichever of the embattled sides is in need of a minstrel/bard.Yours sincerely, Lady EFish----------------------------I'm sorry, Senor Stphen del Norte, but I simply cannot permit myself to ally with telemarketers. I wouldlove your skills on my side, but I'm afraid I can only allow this if you drop your telemarketers. Your reward will be doubled and you will be provided with troops.Rachel, i understand your reluctance to make alliances, but if you do not ally with me, i will have to assume that you will harm me (in the George Bush mentality), and so I will have to destroy you. You have until tomorrow.

The Overseer---------------------------"... And the Planet was overcome by the Darkness, and the Black Moon smiled upon the Chieftan, and

praised his aweful glory..." -The Chronicles of First Realm

Great and Terrible Lord Eric, I, Alex, feared chieftan of the Black Moon Clan, pledge the forces and numbers of my Assasin Tribe to thy cause. Three of my trade outposts have been sacked by the Queen Rachel in times past, and one by the dreaded Duchess Rebecca. I therefor declare war upon the both of them, regardles off thy current standing with the pirate leader and her fleet of misfits. My men are trained well in the art of theivery and murder. Our stonghold is readied, or trade outposts are prepared, and our allies have been notified. They stand behind me, and I, in turn, stand behind thee. With thy word, I shall dispatch a band of my men into the woods of Takiran (less than two days travel from the current residence of the Duchess Rebecca), where all trade and supply convoys for her will be stopped and eliminated. As for the queen of the pirates, I promise that she will remain out of thy way. While my fleet consists ofsimple barges and blockade runners, I assure you that what we are planing at this moment is far more terrible than anything she could possibly prepare for. The decision is thine: Accept my aid, or fail in an otherwise foolish attempt against two powerful foes. A strong, merciless ally is all that thee needs for success. I am he. I ask only for trading rights in return for your aid. That, and a concubine. (Better make that two concubines.)Yours,Alex, Chieftan of the Black Moon Clan, Favored of the Dark--------------------------DJ Zebra,

Were you sick today? If so, is it serious?

Because that would be terrible.Scurvy is not something you want to get.And by terrible I mean deserv'd.

You are on the wrong side. Check your allegiances.

{{{The 63nd Viscountess Dillon of Costello-Gallin, Laure Emile--------------------------Everyone should join me. I am not as Lord Eric says a despot. i would also like to inform you that his beautiful patriotic offer of being united as one state is in fact a fallacy. Do not be tempted. He is the tyrant, he is the despot.I have invoke advice from the fortress of solitude, and i've learned that dangerous times await us. If lord Eric was willing to apologize for his outrageaous offensive behavior at my home, this would all come to an end. He is too proud to do even this small thing to save whats left of his army from death... You see where his heart lies... in his own pride rather than the lives of his people... do not get too far involved with him that your own life is taken as a result of this.I pledge to anyone who takes my side protection from his army- they can never find my people anyway(the spells from my witches). this is for your own good- i'm not making any further attacks towards lord Eric (in this letter) this is purely for the benefit of the public.love, Dutchess Rebecca--------------------Lady EFish of the Pan-pipers,We have long been friends, and I do not understand why you offer your services freely to either side

when you have always allied with me. Nonetheless, I desire, no I require your services. Na la'azor oti v'la-join oti. Please join me, although I do not know what pan-pipers, minstrels or bards are, forgive myignorance.

The Overseer Noah of the Ark---------------------YOU ALL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU DECIDE TO FIGHT AGAINST ME YOUARE TRAPPED IN THE SPELL OF NEVER BEING ABLE TO FIND ME OR MY PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO START OUT ON MY SIDE THEN LEAVE WILL HAVE THEIR MEMORIES WIPED CLEAN, AND LOSE ANY INFORMATION THEY HAVE ABOUT ME, MY PEOPLE OR MY PLANS.THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO HURT ME- IN THIS SENSE I WIN.alex- you cannot possibly be two days from my home for you have no idea where it is.That goes for all of you that are against me... this spell is irreversible so you can never cast it on me...irritated by incompetence, Dutchess Rebecca----------------------- Hear ye! Hear ye!I, Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers, do hereby declare allegiance to the Overseer and the other individuals who allie with him. Be warned- if you are not with us, your future is looking like an untuned harmonica...And the stars are on our side, because some unnamed person has a birthday tomorrow.-Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers. --------------------Rebecca, Never underestimate the power of the Dark.

The Chieftan--------------------------I would like to point out to you all that not much has been heard from The Defiler recently, not much atall. Where is he? Hiding perhaps? Closed up in his fortress ignoring his people's pleas for help? Many of you pledge allegiance to him. Who is him? Where is this leader? Who do you join? Why do you join one who does not answer you? The Lord Eric has run out of power. Do not join him under his false promise of peace! What peace? Were we not at peace before he started this war? If Eric prevails it will begin an age of sweatshops and boobtoobs that brainwash citizens! Video games that suck imagination out of your children. It will be an age of couch potatos! Is that what you want? Join us, the Dutchess Rebecca and The Overseer, for an age of Harmony. Harmony between people, harmony between people and nature! It will be an age of thought, of philosophy, of art, of cultural acheivements. Why join Eric's view for the future, a future where you need to where gas-masks to go outside. Where children watch people be happy on TV instead of being happy themsleves. Where people fulfill their dreams in video games instead of in real life?! Do not join Eric. Ally yourselves with us so that we can overthrow this evil defiler of the Earth and begin an age of Happiness!

The Big O Noah----------------------quite the temper you have, m'lady. but i must say that the spell your magicians have cast over the land is one that i've learned at, oh, say the age of 4, i think you'll find my counterspell quite effective and QUITE irreversible. good day m'lady.

The Undefeatable Grand Alchemist-----------------------To my faithful classmates (fathful to whichever force each chooses)-

To clear up any confusion regarding EFish of the Pan-Pipers, it is, in fact, EFish's own birthday on the morrow, so I do hope that you will all send your best wishes, even if you are not an ally of the Overseer. Thank you for your precious time.

-Commodoress Anna of Waban (yes I have a fleet)----------------------------Laure Emile etc.

If you will observe my rhyme written and published at 8:40 you will see that I work for food. feed me and I will throw down some beets for y'all whomever y'all may be. however you must first be cuter than my captain, which i fear you may find to be a difficult challenge to overcome.

Also, I am considering forming my own hip-hop pirate kingdom. inquire within. however, there is littleto no food in this, as I have yet to sign a record deal. once again, i work for my stomach, whih was infected, but for just the short time it took me to catch up on homework.[-DJ Zebra]--------------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel would like to invite the famed Alex of the Black Moon Clan to join her fleet. What use is trade when you can commandeer? She offers you seven wenches if you join her fleet.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen---------------------Pirate Queen Rachel was also wondering what Duchess Rebecca was doing at Superman's Fortress of Solitude.---------------------alright friends, this is to set things straight.order of interest number 1: I accept Cheiftain Alex into my council, his seat will be right next to mine and also the bathroom in case he needs to go and doesnt wish to disturb us.number 2: I guess my side is evil now... i was trying to be all nice and protect my people and whatnot but you know laure killed her husband for insurance claims and alex i'm not even gonna go into that. soyeah i mean we're not the rape kill pillage and burn type of evil we're more evil in the sense that we guiltlessly do the 7 deadly sins, so obviously the concubines alex wanted are WELL stocked. and thereslots of food, and theres also lots of wrath i guess since thats one of the sins.number 3: how wierd is it that the dutchess and i stop attacking becuase we dont really like death so much but the overseer is trying to blow everything up with his crazy animals and the great alchemist is blowing everything up also with his potions. pretty crazy eh?number 4: i'm not lord eric so stop calling me that. i formed this council thing remember? so i guess its former lord eric cuz i cant think of a cool title that also shows equality.number 5: as you can see this really is a council i mean if becky wants to tell you thats its not you can believe her, but we have meetings and mexican food dinners (you should come we salsa dance and eat quesidillas, we'll give you a free pin) theres just so much propaghanda going around especially from noah and you can beleive it if you want but its just not true.number 6: next thursday night is free pizza night at my castle so if you come you get free pizza and a pinnumber 7: about noahs claims on video games and couch potatoness... i dont see where he got the videogames part, i mean i play them occasionally but not enough to influence my entire people to do it.

although he is partly right, i'm a pretty lazy guy and i like to sit around and do nothing for the most part. i'm not forcing my people to do that and i play the occasional frisbee game, so i mean i get a little bit of excersize but i'm not telling my people to be lazy.and finally number 8: isnt this taking place in medieval times? or at least thats when it started, has this war taken five hundred years? becuase theres definitly some anachronisms- gas masks, tv, hydrogen bombs, parked cars. yeah i guess theyre all coming from noah so i guess what im trying to say is hey noah can you stay in the right time period thanks.oh yeah number 9: i dont realy mind the queen rachel and sme thing. the fact that i dont understand it makes it all that more excitingmuch loveformer lord eric---------------------------Overseer Noah of the Ark, it is my decision to form an allegiance with you and the Dutchess, in the hopes that our forces can together crush the evil that is Lord Eric and his filthy minions. It seems we may need all the help possible now that he has joined with the great and terrible Alex of the Black Moon Clan. He is a foe I have fought many times over in the forests of the Black Moon where he is most prominent, and his power is not to be underestimated. Fortunately I myself have had some dealings with the Black Moon clan (having been myself a member in my younger and more foolish days) and I can offer my knowledge of their weaknesses. What new terrible might Alex may have learned since then I cannot say. All I can offer you is my assistance. Hopefully we can crush this threat before it reaches its full potential.

In your service, I remain,Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas -----------------TO the peacemaker formerly known as Lord Eric, I shall be more than thrilled to take up a seat at thy side at thy honerable council. And I pledge a month's supply of air freshener for the bathroom thee hath graciously shared we me. I thank you for your kind acknowledgement.The Chieftan--------------------------------i was wondering good lord, if you have been tought the form of the dark arts known as Medai Rendosa,for i specualte it may be the key to victory of the council

The Grand Alchemist-----------------------Well Eric, you've got a lot there, and I guess I'll have to respond to your baseless allegations in order to save face and all. I know your only doing this because your mad about blowing up but, oh well.First of all, the whole you and Becky not fighting and me and mocle yes fighting is because of this: Youhave not been around for such a long time that you simply did not have the oppurtunity to fight. Dutchess Rebeccas peacefullness is due to her great character. Mocle insists on continously attacking me, and so i respond. Also, this is a war, so there is fighting. Since you seem to have stopped fighting, and since you started this war, I guess your war is over, and you can go away. As for Mocle, I must takecare of him as he proves to be fairly annoying.In response to the mideival times thing, I was not quite aware of this, i figured we were simply fighting in a world in a similar time period. I, though, am not in this world at the moment, and know of TV, etc. Therefore I feel that i can refer to these poisons. Also, i do not believe they had free pizza night with pins in the medeival times (sp), though I may be wrong. If you wish that I remain in this time period, though, that is fine with me, and I'm sorry about your head. It must be badly injured after you walked

into that stationarry horse.

I have no wish to fight, only to defend. Since you have not attacked me, I have not attacked you. Nonetheless, you do seem to be evil, and so I cannot like you.

The Overseer

P.S. Stop trying to make people hate me, enough do already------------------------------------TO the Pirate Queen Rachel,I admit that I am somewhat interested in joining forces with thee, as the deal thee hath sugested does, indeed, seem worthwhile. However, I am loathe and wary of thy alliance attept- given thy history with my establishments. If we are to have an accord, I have several addendems to thy proposition:

FIRSTLY I demand that thee apologizes for the three tradeposts of mine that thee hath ransacked. FURTHERMORE, thee must repay me the damage incurred during those conflicts.

SECONDLY I do not wish to be one to simply give thee troops and funds. If we are to join forces I must have equal say in where my men will be used.

THIRDLY My name is not to be used in any decision that did not involve me. I have an honorable reputation as a Thief Tribe's Chieftan, and do not wish to see it thrown away by a frivolous pirate. FURTHERMORE, thy poor treatment of my dear friend Eric's posessions must cease immediately.

FOURTHLY I shall not "join" thy fleet. Rather, I wish to be something of a business partenor. This proposed accord does not mean the joining of two forces, but rather the acknowledment of mutual interests in treasure and business. This is by no means an alliance, but rather a sort of trade agreement. My seat at Eric's side will not represent thy interests...only mine.

I am willing to negotiate, but my decision against a complete merger of forces is final. Please keep in mind however, the opportunities that await thee as my partener in business: with the seas under thy influence, and all land-based trade under mine, we shall be rich- and unstoppable.

Eagerly awaiting a positive response,Alex, Chieftan of the Black Moon Tribe-------------------ok well i made a decision cuz i dotn liek the fightingi'm offering a peace treaty with the dutchess rebecca and a seat on the council for no cost or ransom andyour brother david has been healed by my greatest healers

but i dont make peace with noah. cuz hes just mean. i mean come on, look at all that mean stuff he wrote about me? stationary horse? we both know i didnt do that why does he feel the need to make me feel like an idiot i havnt said much bad stuff about him. so yeah i'm not making peace with noah cuz hes mean and hes soooo intense i dont think he could. and when noah gets intense, he gets intense and he gets this vein in his forehead and when you see that you know hes intense.

i dont really expect rebecca to answer the offer soon becuase she hasnt been participating in the war as of recently so the offer stands until she returns from dinner or wherever she's been.

ok i'm off to eat lots of awesome food and do some awesome wenches and be greedy i guess cuz thats also a sinmuch loveeric charles lichtenburg III-----------------------Alchemist Mocle,If you want a private word with someone (As in "Sir Alex, a word..") you don't post it on the entire Junior Conference, you send it to the person directly. And by allowing everyone, including myself, to view your message, you have made yourself far more vulnerable. For you see I will now be concentrating all the magical power I ever learned (which is quite a bit, although I may be a bit rusty since I switched to being Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas, which does not involve a lot of magic) on generating a protective shield spell over myself and my comrades, which will protect againstthis Medai Rendosa of which you speak. So sorry to thwart what may have been your most powerful speel yet, but perhaps this will teach you to speak carefully. I will do the same.

Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas-------------------This is addressed most directly to Black Moon's Cheiftan."You have slain (or whatever)" is "Thou hast slain (or whatever)", not "thee hath slain."This bard will not stand for this wonderous language's murder, even in such warring times as these.Please take note, lest I be forced to play Taps over your lair out of tune.-Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers------------------The bard hath made a valid point, and I do apologize from the bottom of my black heart. I aslo wishe her a happy birthday.-The Chieftan-------------------Dear Noble Men and Women,i am a recently escaped princess, after being held captive by the dark lord for quite some time i have finally managed to free myself, and i would be forever indebted to one of you Lords,Ladys,queens or overseers if you would take me in and keep me hidden . i am not much help on the battle feild but i am somewhat of an expert in the white magic world, which may be of some use to you... please hear my plea! ~the princess [Yael] of southern quarters------------------------Miss Yael,I would be glad to offer my services, but we are contract killers. Not contract rescuers. If thou would like to be held for ransom, however, I'm sure we could find thee a comfortable hiding place...Humbly Yours,The Cheiftan------------------Princess of the Southern Quarters:The Cheiftan practices dark magic, quite unsuitable for alliance with your white magic. Join me, the merry minstrel, and together we will roam and conquer and all other things one must do to protect this happy world of ours from succumbing to the "other" side.-Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers-------------The Pirate Queen Rachel agrees to Chief Alex's terms. She hopes this will be a mutually profitable arrangement.

As for the lovely Princess Yael, the Pirate Queen does not have suitable quarters for such a guest, but she knows of many a dashing and chivalrous knight, namely Sir Eli of the Square Table.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen-------------------I must agree with The Viscountess. you're proposal interests me vastly and you have my full support. and kieval boy, you have just signed the warrent to your own demise.

The Grand Alchemist (NOT Alchemist Mocle you dirty %^*%*&%^*%s)-----------------------ah, apparently i have stumbled upon the wrong crowd to take up quarters with. miss Efish, while i love music and would be happy to spend the rest of my days witha minstrel, i odn't think that a person on the lamb, such as myself, should be roaming the land, but i thank you kindly for your offer and with you a happy birthday. now lady Rachel, this Sir Eli you speak of, is he handsome?~southern princess--------------------A Proposal:The 63nd Viscountess Laure Emile of Costello-Gallin would like to propose that perhaps our grade pledges allegiance to the Class of 2005 and goes on to conquer other, inferior grades, notably the "senior" class, which has followed through on few of it's rockin' senior partying obligations. Would thisfind favor in the eyes of my fellows and current enemies? I would most enjoy becoming fully allied with our grade of supreme wisom. There is no need for schisms among the greatest. Perhaps a formation of a league is in order.

Love and Carnage,The Viscountess <3-----------------The Pirate Queen Rachel has a better idea: when our fellows abroad in Toronto return, we deny any of the events that had taken place. We can continue our discourse, but play dumb to our classmates who will return to a very full Junior Class conference. Perhaps we can convince some of them to commit themselves to a sanitarium.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen---------------------This is a call to Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers!From what I have gathered with my keen ears and eyes, you and I share an equal dislike for the Chieftan of the Black Moon Tribe. I know not where your past rivalry may have emerged from; perhaps you simply have a peaceful nature and do not wish to see any evil in the world. Whatever may be the case, I implore you to join forces with me, the Master Bowman. Especially since my Lord the Overseer Noah seems to just be insulting Eric in all of his messages instead of fighting the evil ones.Princess Yael, your white magic would be very useful against the Chieftan's black magic as well. The Pirate Queen is not what she seems. One minute she seems cool with all her pirate gear, and the next she's making you a cabin boy! If either of you wish to aid me in my cause, I implore you to respond!

And also, Rachel, what a weird suggestion about Toronto.

Jacob, the Master Bowman-------------------------- Master Bowsman:I hereby declare that I will help you in your quest for the destruction of evil and obliteration of it from the face of our fair planet. I will not go against the wishes of my leige O at any time, but from his

silence I gather that he will not object to our wishes to declare all out defensive and preemptive war on the Cheiftan, his evil ways, and all who choose freely of their own will to ally with him.I do believe that this is our solemn duty.-Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers (henceforth to be abbriviated as "Lady EFish O.T.P.P.)--------------Sir Eli is the most handsome and noble knight the Pirate Queen Rachel has met in all her days and on all her travels. Though she does not have the power to offer his service, she his sure that he would be much obliged to help a damsel in distress such as yourself.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen---------------[About EFish OOPP's response]awesome, thanks. we'll bring this guy down.[Bowman]-----------------Although the dance was cancelled because of all the snow :~(, it is back on!! The dance has been rescheduled to Saturday January 10th 7:30-10:30. There are going to be people from our grade playing music, in addition to the DJ, so come and support your friends too! ~hannahp.s. black moon tribe and pirate ppl, keep up the good work, ur emails r my nightly entertainment ;~)--------------------Lady Yael, Although I do not have any actual quarters, I do have a spare horse that you are welcome to ride should you wish to roam the country with me. Consider yourself cordially invited to join my party. Servant to all in need,-Sir Eli of the order of the square table------------------I would just Like to make it known unto all ye scallywags that I have the greatest crew in the w'rld. After all the tempting offers made to them, the stuck with th'r cap'n. (tear) Rations are doubled for the rest o the week!! Ev'ry one gets an extra portion o' rum tonight.[Cap'n Sme]----------------[To the Princess Yael]I wish to warn you that the Knight Eli is a wanderer, and so you may not wish to join up with him. Also, he is allied with the Defilers, which includes the Dark Moon clan or whatever, and so that makes him pretty evil. I would be very happy to accomodate you in my hidden gardens. Quite peaceful and protected.Since everyone seems to be getting upset with me for either fighting too much or not enough, I shall withdraw my forces. If you need me, call.I also agree with the Viscountess and would be interested in learning more about her plans.

The Overseer------------------------My fellow knights, pirates, wizards, and the like,I agree with Sir Eli, and I also agree with Captain Sme (I get the feeling they're supposed to be two different people). We should stop building our armies and attack! I know now that myself, EFish, and possibly the Overseer (?) are ready to fight for justice, and I encourage everyone else to fight for whatever you're fighting for.

Until the bloody battles begin,Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas

-----------------On behalf of Lord Eric, since I have not received a suitable amount of replies to my proposal, I have attacked the flag ship of 'Queen' Rachel's fleet, and done considerable damage.

She has lost half of her crew, and all of the booty and cargo she had aquired. How it that for war?

The 63nd Viscountess Laure Emile of Costello-Gallin-----------------------------The only black spot that Cap'n Sme will ever get is if he gets some gun powder on his shirt by accident or something.[Pirate Queen Rachel]------------------Ok, so first Eric says "why are you guys all fighting? Noah, your so mean, stop attacking!"Then Jacob says "Noah isn't doing much fighting, only talking"Then Eli says people should attack each other.It seems to me that some attacking is at hand. I have allied myself to the Commodoress Anna of Waban and sent out an army of the seas to destroy the Pirate fleets of Queen Rachel and Captain Sme. This army consists of twenty of my highly experienced crews aboard well armored battleships, five of the Commodoress Anna's fast, well armed clippers, and a few of the Dutchess's cruisers. In addition, I havesent out twenty whales fifty sharks, hundreds of seagulls, and the Loch Ness monster. I have destroyed fifty ships so far, and am heading towards the Queen Rachel's Flag Ship and her large guard. I do not worry much, knowing that my termites will do quite alot of damage, and already are doing damamge, to Rachel's ships.

How's THAT for attack?

PS- I'm still liking your idea, Viscountess.

THe Overseer-----------------------The Viscountess cannot possibly have destroyed Pirate Queen Rachel's flagship because she does not have one. The ship belongs to Cap'n Sme. The Viscountess obviously fell for one of my many decoys.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen----------------I chellenge Baroness Chavi Rhodes to join in the fight. Show what you're made of, wench.

The 63nd Viscountess Laure Emile of Costello-Gallin-------------------The Pirate Queen Rachel has befriended Nessie (the Loch Ness 'monster') who is eradicating all the termites. She has also plundered all of the Viscountess' ports.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen------------------------to the good sir eli: you are most noble to offer a lady a steed, but alas, i fear sir noah is right, i am afterall a lady on the run and can not be riding all over the country side, unless we are riding into the sunset...

to sir noah: thank youfor your generous offer, your quarter will be perfectly suitable for my needs, i do accept your offer and will help you any way i can'

humbly yours, the princess of southern quarters-------------------is anyone else getting the impression that lady yael's proposals sound suspicious? as in "i will provide my services for a chamber in which to rest."[Eitan aka DJ Zebra]---------------------------Princess Yael of southern quarters,now that you have joined with Noah the Overseer (who is also my superior) perhaps you would lend me a hand in the battle against Alex, Chieftan of the Black Moon Tribe? His black magic would be powerless against any white magic you can do, so let me know your answer soon.

Respectfully,Jacob, Master Bowman---------------------------I accept eric's treaty and am grateful for his undertsnading that i am indeed a busy woman and have to eat dinner.I am hereby withdrawm from this war.. as is i assume. eric, which is interesting because we're the ones that started it.. what are the rest of you actually going to be fighting about now?love, The Dutchess Rebecca-----------------------------DJ Zebra-How dare you attack a princess' honor! She is chaste and lovely and you are a cad.Pirate Queen Rachel---------------------------As I am a pirate, war and/or peace are of no consequence. We will continue to plunder and swashbuckle.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen------------------------The pen is mightier than the swordI, the Oracle Lim of the deserts of Arabia, offer my services to the highest bidder.Services: Presaging, (NO palm reading, which is a lowly and undignified practice), and poetry from time to time (war cries or songs in praise of a ruler.) Requirements: an ample supply of pens, ink & M&Ms. Other requirements will arise as needed.

I will be waiting for replies. Things are not what they seem.

Oracle Lim of Arabia --------------------------pen is. heh.[Pirate Queen Rachel]----------------------The Oracle Lim of Arabia will tolerate no insult to her.. oracle-ness, and herforth calls on her old alliances with the tribes of Nomadia in Arabia to support her in her quest against a certain pirate queen. She has yet to choose a side to ally with. [the oracle]-------------------------

i resent the accusations made from the one that calls himself eitan (he has no formal title)my mind is pure and innocent, no foul thought has ever run through it, please do not try to pollute it. however i am indeed looking for a suitor, a princess must think of her future...

lady rachel, thank you for your kind words, i have cast a circle of light around you, for the next 12 hours no harm can come to you

master bowman,of course i will help, things are looking bleaker and bleaker we must ensure dark magin does not take over

~princess yael------------------------------Becky- are you kidding? This is way too much fun.Oracle: Join me. I will help you fight against Rachel if you will help me fight against Rachel. I will happily provide you with pens, ink, MnM's, Gummy bears, and so on. Why do you need pens though? Just out of curiosity.

I agree with Rachel about Yael. Yael's services are quite welcome, and not bad, etc.

The Overseer Noah and so on.----------------------------So, by dark magin you meant dark magic, right? Because I don't want any confusion on who we're trying to stop.

Just making sure,Jacob, Master Bowman--------------------------i never said that the services that the princess offers are bad. i support said services. i may even, with a little more looting when my cash flow is up requisition said services. (we're in medieval times guys, they didnt have anything better to do. plus, im a pirate ship navigator.)

DJ Zebra back in da Hizz-ouse!----------------------please excuse the lady for her terrible typing, i meant dark magic indeed

SIr Noah: Thank you for your kind words, i am very glad to have you as my overseer

~lady yael------------------------Although I understand your desire to reward the Queen Rachel for her kind words. Nonetheless, I am atthe moment attempting to destroy Rachel and her insulting ways. Although she has complemented you once, I know her personality and expect much of the opposite in the future. Therefore I request that youundo your spell of protection and give her lots of Wine or something instead.I also call upon the Great and Holy power of The Name and proclaim that there shall be no fighting on the Sabbath, beginning before sundown tonight and after sundown tomorrow. If you attack anyone, or use any magic, or pretty much write anything relating to this war on the Sabbath, you shall be completely, utterly, and instantly destroyed. Not by me, but by the One. Anything you say or do after

this total destruction shall simply be ignored. The Sabbath is a day of rest, use it. ( if only for Mr. Morgan's sake)The Overseer-----------------------

The class of 2005 now proclaims the Student Lounge to be our property, and under our control. We regulate all that goes on within these virtual walls, there shall be no libel or slander of the most powerful class in the world. Any offender shall meet dire consequences.

Sincerely:The 63nd Viscountess Laure Emile of Costello-GallinThe Overseer Noah of the Ark, Groundskeeper of her Majesty's Holy Gardens & Master of her Majesty's Natural Forces, & Commander in Chief of the UbulLady Rachel, Pirate QueenPrincess Yael of the Southern QuartersJacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite SeasChiftan of the Black Moon Clan, Favored of the DarkCap'n SmeSir Eli of the Order of the Square TableLady Efish of the Pan PipersCommodoress Anna of WabanOracle Lim of ArabiaLord Eric Charles Lichtenburg IIIIdi Amin Dada, His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular-------------------------------One thing I forgot to mention to my beautiful charge the Princess Yael. You mentioned serching for a prince to marry, looking toward the future. Well you know, I know this great guy you might look into. He likes Pina Colata (sp) and staying inside during the rain. If he doesn't suit you, I've got plenty of other guys in my service. You might want to look into this. Talk to me and I'll arrange something.

The Overseer-----------------------i am sorry to inform you but once whit emagic has been cast it cna not eb taken away, but i do understand your orders and will no longer asociate with the pirating kind, especially while in war with them. you are too kind to offer match making services as well, how could i ever repay you?~princess yael----------------------Pirate Queen Rachel thanks Princess Yael for her gracious protective circle. In return for her generosity,the Pirate Queen will not attack anyone while under the white magic's protection. She's taking an extra long Shabbos.Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen--------------------------I, Xual'quankl'ic of the Liberian Marshes declare war on all the foriegn powers. After years of building

up my forces in the back country of Liberia, my army is now prepared to strike. I am merciless and greatly offeneded by mispellings of my name. You shall find my forces on the outskirts of your territories. If you refuse to sign declarations of loyalty to my kingdom, I shall destroy you all. If I don't recieve a messenger from your camps, I will strike within a fortnight.

My forces stand waiting,Xual'quankl'ic--------------------------My comrades in arms, specifically: Noah the Overseer, Princess Yael, and Lady EFish,The time for action is upon us. We have tarried long enough, and meanwhile the forces of Alex, Chieftan of the Black Moon Clan are growing ever stronger. I believe it is time to organize a first strikeagainst him. I have been practicing a powerful magical technique with what limited skills I have, and all I need is someone to execute it. My powers cannot accomplish that, but perhaps all of us combined can. If we act soon, we can crush this threat to all that is good.

Let all who wish to contribute their powers to this attack respond soon with another email, and when allthe replies are in, we will strike.

Signed,Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas------------------------Dear fellow combatants, and enemy ones as well,Cap'n Sme has come up with the glorious suggestion of all coming in to school dressed as our charatersat some point in the coming week. It will be funny if we all really do it. "We could have a battle at lunch or something"-quoth the Cap'n.What saith my noble classmates?-Lady EFish O.T. P.P. -----------------We may also want to send a messanger to Xual'quankl'ic of the Liberian Marshes so that he won't attack us and distract us in our plans against the Chieftan. Email me if you volunteer to do this.

The Bowman--------------------I will pan-pipe to him and provide distraction.-Lady EFish O.T.P.P-----------------------I, Xual'quankl'ic, and Alex chieftan of the black moon tribe have created an alliance of extreme power and destruction.

The rest of you! Submit at once! OR DIE WITHIN A FORTNIGHT----------------So, apparently we have this new party in our war called Xual'quanugly or something. He seems to be threatening all of us. I recommend we all unite and crush him. He isn't really a threat to myself as I have no outskirts of my land due to my lack or borders. I would be glad to kill him though, because his name is simply ugly on paper. I mean, seriously, who names their kid that? What's your sister's name? Xenaphobe? I mean, come on. Anyways, I've sent out spies and a legion of Ubul to find Xualquankdk and kill him. Yael, your white magic would be quite helpful now.

The Overseer---------------------noah, you made him very angry just now, and I fear for all of our lives because of it.[Master Bowman}----------------------I the great Alshabadlakamookodiki a.k.a. Dr. Ew herby do not surrender to Xual'quankl'ic's forces, but instead proclaim that my incredible army of bannana-toting toddlers and tomato junkies shall be added to create a combined mass of destruction.

Shannanananananana,

The great Alshabadlakamookodiki a.k.a. Dr. Ew------------------------------It's Xual'quankl'ic!!! You fool!I've sent a message to my cheif warrior, Zualni'ni'chualma. He shall be visiting you later tonite. Don't sleep to deeply tonite, for tonite you die!!

Zualni'ni'chualma is indestructible. He is made of fire and of ice. He is made of mud and dry dirt. He is a paradox. He is not a paradox. I am lieing and telling the truth at the same time.

Noah!!!!!!!!! Prepare to die!!![Xual'quankl'ic]-------------------see?[Master Bowman}---------------------Dr. Ew just told me he has sent some banana toting toddlers as well to Noahs house tonite. Good luck tonite Noah.

Muahahahahahahah... shananananaa,Xual'quankl'ic---------------------Tonite = Saturday Night[Xual'quankl'ic]---------------I, El Potter del Norte, the Wand'ring Mercen'ry of Greate Renowne & Genral of Hot Desire, have recieved no satisfactory offers for my Mercen'ry services. In fact, I have only recieved one offer, from the overseer, and it was rather insulting. Let me know afore the hour strikes 11:36 (PM) elsewise, I shall set my recently unemployed telemarketers upon you all. with love, El Potter del Norte---------------------Today My flagship, with two other ships, Destroyed 49 of Noah's 50 Ships. We have superior speed and aim. we also have superior crews, captains, queens and navigators. The other twenty of my ships just stood at hand and cheered us on. We first managed to knoch down the masts of all his ships, then we sailed to and fro, firing cannons and much grape shot. I then sent a sloop on shore (under cover of darkness) and stormed a battery. once inside, They proceeded to heat their cannon shot to white hot. Because Noah was none to smart, all his ships were grouped rather close together. We shot the hot cannon balls and hit a few of his ships. They all caught fire, and because thewy had no masts and thus

no steering, the proceeded to Ram each other and set his whole fleet on fire. We let only one ship get away intact, as they were messengers to Noah that he has chosen the wrong people to attack. over all inthe course of the day, only one man from cap'n Sme's crew was lost. Only ten sailors survived in Noah'screw. Our fleet then went whaling. we killed all the whales and sharks that he sent. We are still looking for nessie. We had a great feast after extracting the oil from the big sea creatures. all the seagulls were also killed with grape shot after eating all the termites off our ships. its apparent that Noah did not feed themwell enough. Our Navigator is quite happy with the feast that The overseer has sent us and sends his thanks.Watch yer back.-Cap'n Sme-------------------------I would like to announce the launching of my capital ship the X.S.A.S. Exalicitor! (X.S.A.S. = Xual'quankl'ic's Sweet Ass Ship). She shall be joining my Liberian Armada in the Black Sea. You have been forewarned. Do not enter the Black Sea, my armada is practicing there, if you shall happen upon my Armada, you will be destoryed in a hail of cannon balls and slightly insulting catcalls. [Xual'quankl'ic]--------------- I, baroness Chavi, have accepted The 63nd Viscountess Laure Emile of Costello-Gallin 'chellenge to join the fight' as she so eloquently put it. Inaddition, I must forewarn her that her days living with her mutilated lip attached to her face are numbered, for in calling the baroness (me) a wench, the medieval barbie has arranged an appointment with THE BLACK SPOT. (dun dun dun). However, since I am not a pirate, and therefore cannot fulfill this threat myself, I have hired Sme (and he consented) to give the dirrty viscountess the spot on my behalf. He quoteths, "yarr I be only a messenger for the great baroness". Much obliged, Sme, ill be owing you something in the nearer future. As for Laure Emile, sleep with both eyes SHUT!-The Baroness of Rhodes-----------------------Since so many people are appearing as of late, it is too much trouble to welcome each one individually. Therefore I welcome all who wish to join myself along with my faithful comrades. Currently we consist solidly of Lady EFish of the Pan-Pipers, Princess Yael of Southern Quarters, the Overseer Noahof the Ark, and myself, Jacob the Master Bowman.

Currently we are organizing an attack against the forces of my sworn enemy, Alex Chieftan of the Black moon Tribe. I also hear he has teamed up with Xual'quankl'ic of the Liberian Marshes and Alshabadlakamookodiki, a.k.a. Dr. Ew, both of whom are quite fearsome foes.

Any who have powers such as can defeat them please join us! This call goes out to anyone who does not have a chosen side yet. We need help!!!!

Awaiting responses,Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas-----------------------TO the most awsome El Potter del Norte. I can not offer you any immediate money. however, I can offer the promise of pillage and plunder and many young rape- e's. You'r services will be rather welcome if you're as cut-throat as you say you are. This is a once in a lifetime chance to join me.-Cap'n Sme--------------------

This is a friendly reminder to all sides and participants in our war:

THERE IS TO BE NO SENDING OF ANY EMAILS PERTAINING TO THIS WAR FROM THE START UNTIL THE END OF SHABBAT. IT IS UNFAIR TO THOSE WHO OBSERVE IT. IF YOU ATTACKED SOMEONE AFTER SHABBAT, THEY WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELF UNTIL AFTER, WHICH ISN'T FAIR.

SO ONCE AGAIN: NO WARRING ON SHABBAT!

The warring will cease at 4:00 today, and will commence again at 5:00 tomorrow.

Sincerely,Jacob the Master Bowman-----------------Yarr. I Proclaim that these here seas do belong to sme. Xual'quankl'ic is welcome to use them if he either proclaims a mutual interest that I agree with, or he pays a tiny fee of .09% of his plunder upon the seas to Sme and my crew. If he does not give me reason for a peacable/ profitable "thing" , I shall have to destroy his sweet ass ship. (which would be a real shame, cuz it really is sweet ass.) Either that,or I could commandeer it. It would be tuff, but My superior crews and faster ships are up to the job, Even though you'r ship is much stronger. It will be an awful waste of life, but I would be forced to do this unto you, oh great Xual'quankl'ic, If not given reason to do otherwise.[Cap'n Sme]--------------------hte big O's whales they tasted fineI washed them down with honey and winethen whiped my harpoon shiny as a mirrorand went to bedroom-- stomach full of dinner.Can't none of you MCs ever mess with Smeno doctors or lords or princessescause we got the sea you know and a two man showand all your ships they's about to blowjust like your girl. ill make you hurlcause we got the motherfucking black pearl.

DJ Zebra---------------in case you dont know how to interpret rap-- we do in fact have the black pearl, a cannonball powerful enough to destroy the tallest, sturdiest clipper on the waters.

DJ Zebra------------------------------I, sir Eli, of the order of the square table, Am still wandering. It is quite a shame that the princess of light did not join me to lighten (not meant as a pun) my loneliness. Perhaps she would reconsider joining this lovesick knight. Oh beautiful Pricess, I , sir Eli of the order of the square table, do hereby profess my love for you. Please reconsider staying with me. And if you choose not to, at least come visit sometime. My heart yearns for you. Your admirer,-Sir Eli of the order of the square table.

P.S. I am a totally seperate person from this Sme character. He is a Pirate and thusly, I am forced to wage war apon him, although I have no means of finding him, and no boat in general. I also mean no Harm to his most charming freind The Queen. But should we ever cross paths, I would be forced to wage battle against this Pirate Cap'n Sme.--------------------------[Message to Cap'n Sme]I refuse to pay any of the plunder that is rightfully mine to you. However, I am willing to sign a document of mutual interest; a fellowship of sorts. In accordence to this document, my fleet will not bother yours, as long as you do the same.

Xual'quankl'ic---------------My dear Xual'quankl'ic, What, might I ask, is interesting about that? I meant a common cause. Something like "We both like to plunder and drink, so you get the drink, and I'll find a town that we canplunder together." that would be a much more satisfying 'mutual interest'. If you have an offer of sorts, iam always willing to try something new. If not, I am afraid I will be forced to get a little roudy. (and Bythat, I mean kill your fleet with great loss to both our sides). -Cap'n Sme-----------------The Pirate Queen Rachel will be spending Shabbos on the isle of Tortuga. She will spend her time doing mitzvahs. (And double mitzvahs, wink wink). She wishes all of her comrades a good Shabbos and her foes a restful one...they'll need it...Lady Rachel, Pirate Queen------------------------A prophecy has come to the oracle:

Uif psbdmf iat gpsftffo uibh tibmm af b qfbdfgvm Tibccbu gps bmm.

Boe po uif tfwfmhi ojhiu xifo tubst bqqfbs jo uif tlz, uifsf tibmm af b efwbtubujoh buubdl.

I hope the warring parties have interpreters among them. With effort, the code can be solved by the quickest minds.

Oracle Lim of Arabia

{Yes, it is a real code, not just gibberish.} -------------------------I wish you a good shabbos as I don a talliscause i spend my saturdays eatin' eema's challahsI eat 'em cause I'm me, I eat 'em cause their goodbut mostly I eat 'em cause I'm in the Jewish hood.

DJ Zebra

p.s. this means I'm out for the hext 25 hours.------------------- Sme: I'm sorry to inform you that I do not have 50 ships and so you could not have destroyed 49 of

them. You obviously are either lying or dumb. Sorry. Next time be less specific.Xual'etc. My scouts saw your similarly long named assasin dude coming through the forest to kill me, although I do not know how he hoped to find me, as I have no set living place. I move around. Anywho, my scouts asked him to identify himself, but by accident asked him what he was instead of who. He blew up. That's what happens when your a parodox. Sorry.Rachel, (and sme, for future reference: Stop making things up. First of all, you can't just make friends with nessie and have him "eradicate" my army of termites. I know that this did not happen because my spies have already seen ten of your ships swamped due to termites, and fifteen more badly damaged. What now?Drew, or whatever screwed up name you're going by: You just sent an army of banana toting toddlers tokill me. Are you really that dumb? Well.. yes, you obviously are. Anywho,they all died. Not my fault, they were just sort of wandering around the woods hitting eachother over the head with mushy bananas. Then they froze to death in the night. How bout next time you try to attack me you try not to be a total fool.Sir Eli (the Knight): If you have to attack sme, are trying to rout out evil, and are in love with the princess Yael, why don't you join my forces?? There's no reason not to other than your unexplicable hate toward me in the outside world, which should have no effect on this world.Senor Stephen, Just join the defilers already. I mean, there aare really only to sides in this. Me and the people who hate the defilers, and the defilers and the people who hate me. Just join the other side already and stop complaining.Allies - think you could lend a hand? It'd be kinda nice.Enemies: I have called on all living creatures (aside from humans) to me (and they listen, Rachel). Thismeans that you have no more meat. any animal you have in places where they cannot escape have commited suicide. I have used an ancient magic with help from the Princess Yael to bring all trees backto life, as in the olden times. They have also come to me and left your lands barren, taking all other plants and crops with them. You no longer have any food. Now stop being mean to me.And I have attacked Eli's ships with Dragons. I destroyed a few, and then the dragons retreated. None were killed.

The Overseer-----------------------Dear Overseer,No matter what you say, We destroyed 50 ships. You may only have a certain amount, but the rest must have been from anna's fleet. also, we still have leftover whale and shark meat - enough to last as long as we want- so you'r puny call to the animals to give us no meat was useless. Also, I saw some seaweedfloat by just now, so you are either : A) a liar, or B) a weak magician, because it is obvious that the seaweed did not hearken to your call. It must not think very much of you. Another thing about the meat,we slew 2 of you'r five dragons. that means thAT there are only 3 left, because as ANYONE knows, there can never be more than five dragons in the world due to jealousy issues. (nothing you could say or do could keep them from ripping up the 6th). I must admit, that the dragons did get five of my ships. it was too bad, but we rescued all the sailors except three. those three were on the brink of mutiny so I decided not to rescue them. After slaying those 2 dragons, we each ate a bite of roast dragon. There is much leftover for other dates. just one mouthful mad all the my crews into super beings. They are ultrra- super strong, all there sences have been heightened, And they're all (excuse the anacronism) quite like spider man without all the web stuff. you have made us unstoppable. Good luck dealing with us now.-Cap'n Sme-----------------------DEarest Princess of Light,

Today I saw a daffodil in a green pasture with sunlight all around. I thought of you.Your servant,-Sir Eli Of the order of the square table------------------------Dearest Oracle,you made alot of mistakes in that code. 1) third word 1st sentence says "hzs". you meant "has".2)5th word 1st sentence says "thag". I know not what you meant.3)4th word 2nd sentence says "sevelgh". You meant seventh.4) I may be speaking too soon, but the attacks so far have not been devastating as you predicted. There is only 1 hour and 20 min. left in this day's night.None of these are of dire consequence (except maybe the 4th: if nothing happens, you are a false prophet and then must be punished), but I just thought you should know of the errors.Best of luck (cuz I think you're against me... as is everyone)-Cap'n Sme----------------------------Sme - when will you learn? I did not send five dragons to kill you. You cannot use numbers when you don't know numbers. Stop telling me how much things I have. I sent two dragons to kill you,and they both camme back, so I don't know what your talking about and you best stop lying.To Xualblabla - I forgot to tell you that before I called my animals back I had all the creatures of the swmplands (ie alligators, crocidiles, snakes, frogs, etc) destroy your home-fortress. They were successful. They killed all the women, children, old people, and so on, in your villiage. Sorry bout that. Apparently, though, you got away, because your body was not found. Either you were not there beforein the first place or you got out of there nice and quick.Sir Eli - Join me you foolOh yea, and Sme. You obviously didn't read my last letter well. I told you i called all the trees back and they took all sorts of plants (and destroyed all the fields they came across, aside from mine and my allies.) In case you did not know, trees cannot survive under water, so they obviously canno take seaweed. Please don't be so dense.

The Big O-----------------------I am not so sorry to say that, alas, I have destroyed all of Cap'n Sme's inferior ships. For your information, I have under my commmand a large fleet of state of the art, smartboard-like ships that, in fact, poke holes in the bottoms of enemy ships. You may say "impossible!" but those 49 ships of O's that Eli claimed to destroy were actually decoys of mine. No value. Easy to break. Get it? Good. So, after the Cap'n's crew "destroyed the Big O's fleet" I attacked when they were all drunk from the celebrational rum and I have destroyed all 23 ships, including Sme's pitiful flagship. Torn black sails, etc.Some of my Condolences,The Commodoress Anna of Waban-----------------------------DEar "commodoress" anna and mister OI am confused, for you say I am sunk, but I have seen and been on all my ships and I have checked the holds. they are in rather good shape. I still have all my ships (except those sunk by the 5 Dragons [yes 5] of which we did kill two). I think That there is some wizard abroad who has been helping me, for it would seem that you truly do believe that all the dragons returned. This powerful magician has obviously conjured the image of all the dragons returning home. I thank him and ask him to join us. He has proved himself useful to myself and is thus offered a PRIVATE cabin aboard the flagship. he will

also be granted all that is asked for (within reason). Sorry if they are a "she", I meant no offense. The same offer goes out to you if you're a woman. Sorry for the dissapointment "commodoress".-Cap'n sme-----------------------------Well, I have returned from my Shabbat travels. It was very restful, but now is not the time for trivial stories. This is war.

First of all, Sir Eli, it would totally rock if you joined with the Overseer and us, especially since we have Princess Yael helping us against evil. This ould be a great bonding experience for the two of you.

Overseer: I'll help you with whatever dispute you're having with the pirates, if you'll lend me a hand against the Impronouncable Name of the Liberian Marshes and Dr. Ew (seems the Chieftan Alex has rather stopped being involved, which broods well for us).

Other allies: Your powers/armies would be helpful very soon, because we have to attack someone powerfully.

Enemies: You are all going down.

Respectfully,Jacob, Master Bowman------------------------[To the fool named Noah]My people are sea-faring. Though we come from liberia we don't live in liberia. It seems you have killed your own people by mistake. Your generals are now comming to kill you. It seems that I am not the only one who wants you dead. Dr. Ew sends word from the Artic circle, he has found the dagger of time, and is going to send rowdy teenages wtih flying v guitars of doom and is going to wail tonite from 11 to 12. Prepare to die, poopie head. Also; YOU HAVE SPELLED MY NAME WRONG FOR THE LAST TIME. MY NAME IS Xual'quankl'ic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PREPARE TO BE FORCEFED LUKEWARM EGGOS CREATED FROM THE FLESH OF YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!

Captain S'me- The arrangement is this: you are allowed to pillage and plunder all of my enemies ships and towns, whatever you find is yours, except for 5% which will go to fund my armies. In return my fleet grants you passage to the black sea (where all the really cool pirates hang), and will not attack your fleet.

Xual'quankl'ic------------------------------the dagger of time does not exist. Dr. Ew is on a fool's errand; yes I know the stories and legends, and they WERE all true. I went on a quest for it years ago and found it, but it was destroyed in one of my battles of old.

Sorry to dissapoint you guys, but there is no longer a dagger of time. Furthermore, I am sending my best apprentice bomwen to attack your strongholds, which tey do know the location of because of

special tracking devices that track your anger at Noah.

See you in hell,The Bowman-----------------------Dear Xual'quankl'ic, I am not satisfied that although I hold the upper hand, I will be paying you. I thus dislike that whatchamacallit. It would also seem that we really do share a common enemies, and I do now see that there could be some good in our working together to destroy them. No payment from either of us shall be had. I do request that you help to fix my boats though, as we have no land of our own. It would not be so much of you helping, as us doing it on your land. otherwise we could just ransack some village and use their land and resources. actually I like that better. forget the boat fixing part. If you consent to this mutual interest/ kill noah and his fu*#ing allies (its all right mr. morgan, pirates areallowd to swear) thing, It will be for the better. sounds good to me as long as you have no objections or added things. Waiting politely for a reply, -Cap'n Sme-----------------------------------ok so all of u warriors obviously have a lot of spare time on your hands, considering that u find the timeto write eloquent and entertaining (well not all of them..some) emails to each other about your pretend ships and sailors and all. Would one of u be so kind as to wrtie a brief explanation of this war. I just cant seem to find the time to read the 211..o wait no... another one.... 212 emails in my folder right now. I only wish i could manage my time as well as you noble warriors ;~).For example, you could explain what exactly it is you are fighting FOR, or if you are just fighting in order to take out your aggresive tendencies on your fellow classmates over the internet (as opposed to in the classrooms, wouldnt want to get blood on the precious smart boards). I believe that all of my fellow neutral observers and I would greatly appreciate this simple act of clarification. ~hannahp.s. Eli is your name sir eli of the square table or Cap'n Sme? uve signed your emails with both?! (if u ask me i think you should be cap'n sme....peter pan characters are always fun)p.p.s If this war is going ot go on much longer (which it looks like it might) i think you should give it a formal name, so that it can forever be ingrained in new jew history.------------------------My friend Cap'n Sme,

Did it not occur to you that the errors I made were for a reason? Hzs, which thought was has, and thag, which in ordinary language might be that, and finally sevelgh all have meanings that, perhaps, have evaded you. However, you seem to be quiet fluent in interpreting prophecies. This impresses me greatly, and I am willing to sign a pact of non-agression with you, and possibly even ally. I ocassionallyall with nomadic tribes of Arabia, though I am not much of leader; in a true outbreak of war they will come to your aid if I ask it of them. I will also continue to prophesize; however you will be first to receive word of them. But know that eventually all shall hear of my prophecies. An oracle does not cloud her words in secrets; her messages are clear and open to those who understand.

As for any false prophecy, prophecies are rarely one hundred percent accurate. The future does take only one form, and even to the most skilled reader, the future often blurs. However, there seem to be several allegations of attacks tonight, even though some sides disagree.

To the girl Hannah Levintova: this war is far too complex to summarize in a few sentences. I regret the fact that I, nor anyone in this war, can help you with a clear, simple explanation, for war is always

rather messy and complicated. Tangled sides and alliances have a history, which is important to understanding them in the current age, and the future. You can take no shortcuts.

[Tomorrow, I shall be going to visit a friend in Delphi, so it is likely you will not hear from me. ]

Oracle Lim of Arabia --------------------------1) I would just like to point out how funny it is that no one cares or even seems to have noticed that we hijacked the student lounge. Also, How do we control it? I mean Lanue is the only one of us that could probably hack into something and he's not in on it, and he probably wouldn't anyway cuz it's stupid. So what punishment do we give?Also, what were our demands? The whole hijacking is just confuzing to me.

2) Sir Eli of the order of the square table and cap'n Sme are two different people. as a matter of fact, Elihas sworn to do battle with sme in a message sent at 3:01 pm on dec. 12th.

3) for Hannah I will now summarise this war. Eric and becky commited suicide. Noah sucks. Sme (including his crew), the dark clan, sam's dude, Dr. Ew, and yael seem to be the only people who know how the world actually worked in those times. Kieval is the only person willing to admit defeat or weakness of any kind (and is thus more fun to battle with... he doesn't say " no that didn't happen", he says " you have seen falsely, here's what actually happened". then he goes into a good story with good details. theres a big difference) Alex is really good at playing pretend(which is what this is) And peole are not descriptive enough about how they do things (although some of us try). Thats all. oh yeah, and Noah sucks. then there are a bunch of random people who I can't keep straight. such as; the panned piper, the general of hot desire, the orracle, the dude-thing of the world proper, and some commodoress who pretends she's more powerful than sme but isn't at all. Noah sucks.

-Eli Katzen --------------------------(To Cap'n Sme)Terms Accepeted, My ports are open to you(-Xual'quankl'ic)---------------------------I have a lot of time on my hands I make the band standand all y'all who dont know this wars for a man.I got the beats and I read the works of Keatsnot to be confused with William Butler Yeats.My name is DJ Zebra and I got the funky rhymesI make more papers than the New York Times,'Cause I'm wreckin' the havoc, I'm dealing with a mavrickand when it comes to ships I can navig-ate them, I can activate themand in fishing I can line and bate them.

DJ Zebra

p.s. this is what happens when eitan is up at 3 in the morning with too much tea and incense around. be warned. I will conquer all with my devastating mic control.-----------------------

good sir eli of the square table,i must confess i am lonely and lovesick for you as well, i accept your proposal and am only waiting for you and your horse to drop by and pick me up. i can see you are a sensitive soul, and have certainly proven your worth to me, hopefully we can lighten each others lonliness...ill be waiting untill dawn for your reply.fondly,princess of light

as for my allies: i am terribly sorry that i have to desert you...but it is a matter of love, you must understand.-------------------------[Yael and Eli]I'm happy for the both of you, but you're sure there's no way for you both to stay with us and fight? If not, I understand. Love should not be a matter of being forced to do things you don't want.

Also, I'm sending you an enchanted quiver and bow from my best supplies as a wedding gift. And a coffee maker.

Best wishes,Jacob, Master Bowman of the Delmarshite Seas-------------------[Yael and Eli]what would you like me to play as a processional?-Lady EFish O.T.P.P.----------------oh princess of light, ho long has my heart yearned to hear those words. I am ever so joyful now and shall arrive at midnight to take you away from this world, to live in a land well away from this raging battle of carnage and destruction. Also, I thank the master bowman and send him my blessings. I am sorry, but I donot feel that this war is where i belong. I do wish you luck , however, and I shall defeat the Cap'n should I ever meet him. Goodbye to you my good freinds. Oh fair princess, our new life awaits us at midnight. until then, I bid adieu-Sir Eli of the order of the square table----------------I, Lady EFish O.T.P.P., do hereby lay claim to our fair building of Fleet. I will use it for quartering of The Overseer's troops by land, and for waxing nostalgic about days gone by.-Lady EFish O.T.P.P.---------------------it has become apparent to me that the only way to defeat The Overseer is to take away the source of his power, that source being nature, and so without thinking, i unleashed a worldwide naturaliousdestrus plague, every plant has withered and died. The oceans and other bodies of water have dried up, all of our worlds livestock, dead. the very air we breath is slowly becoming filled with cyanide gas. Thousands are dying every minute, humanity as we know it will cease to exist within two hours. I feel myself growing faint as we speak, so i wish you all a good death.

The Ex-Grand Alchemist

(THERE, now end it guys, seriously)------------------------

I understand not why you wish to end this war, ALCHEMIST MOCLE, as nobody has yet achieved their goal of defeating their enemies. Besides, it's fun. However, I too am feeling the effects of the cyanide gas. So, I issue a call to everyone, light or dark, good or bad.

If any wish to continue this epic struggle, send an email with your most powerful dark-dispelling spell or weapon to this conference. Hopefully, if we get enough, we will not all die.

I myself am using my limited supply of magic on every arrow I possess. Every arrow I send up into the air unleashes a blast of fresh air into the atmosphere. My apprentice bowmen are doing the same. Anyone else who wises to help, please do so soon. According to the ex-Alchemist, we have only until 2:02 P.M. today to help, or we all die.

Awaiting salvation,the Bowman --------------