Junie B. - Mississippi Puppetry Guild Arts Theatre/Repertoire/Junie B. Jones/Junie B in...

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Transcript of Junie B. - Mississippi Puppetry Guild Arts Theatre/Repertoire/Junie B. Jones/Junie B in...

Junie B.

in

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells!

a play by Allison Gregory

adapted from the book series by Barbara Park

©Copyright September 2008

Revised/School Draft 8.1.11

for South Coast Repertory

Contact:

Allison Gregory

206.310.1870

[email protected]

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CAST

3 females, 4 males

Junie B. Jones...............a first graderMay..............................a classmate

Lucille...........................a rich kid ANDElf Ellen........................a volunteer parent

Mr. Scary......................the teacherHerb..............................Junie B.’s best friend

José..............................a classmate ANDMr. Toot........................the choral teacher

Sheldon.........................a classmatePhilip Jonny Bob............a stuffed elephant

6 females, 1 male

SET

The play takes place in several locations, moving swiftly from one to the next. These locales include:

Room One (the classroom);

the auditorium stage for Columbus play;

the auditorium stage for sing-a-long;

Junie B.’s bedroom;

the media room/gym/holiday gift shop.

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SET ORDER

Room One (the classroom);

the auditorium stage for Columbus play;

Room One (the classroom);

the auditorium stage for sing-a-long;

ACT II

Room One (the classroom);

the media room/gym/holiday gift shop.

Junie B.’s bedroom;

the media room/gym/holiday gift shop.

Junie B.’s bedroom;

Room One (the classroom);

The momentum of the story should never have to wait on a set change; furniture should be suggestive,

and kept to a minimum.

TIME

The holiday season, the present.

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ACT ONE

Room OneMusic Cue #1

Lights rise on Junie B. Jones. She clutches her journal and stands in apool of light-- her “journal light”. She addresses the audience.

JUNIE BTuesday. Dear First Grade journal. Yay! Yay! Hooray! Today is the

last week before winter break! Winter break is the school word for I gottaget out of this place, I tell you. ‘Cause blabbermouth May is tattletailingon me every day almost! That’s how come yesterday I chased her down

on the playground. And I threw grass on her head. It was very fun. ExceptI hope Santa did not see me do that. That guy watches me like a hawk this

time of year.From Junie B., First Grader.

(she steps out of the light, then jumps back in)P.S. Hey wait, I almost forgot! Today all the first grades are having aHoliday Sing-along in the real actual auditorium! Auditorium is thegrown-up word for there is a big, giant stage in that place. Plus, also,

there are seats and stairs and --

(May strains over Junie’s shoulder to get a look at Junie’s journal.)

Hey! This is none of your beeswax, sister!

MAYMr. Scary! Mr. Scary! Junie Jones wrote a bad name about me in her

journal. She wrote that I am a bladdermouth . And bladder is not a niceword!

JUNIE B.It’s not bladdermouth. It’s blabbermouth, May. Blabbermouth is spelled with “b’s”, not “d’s”.

MR. SCARYGirls, please . Let’s not start the day fighting.

MAYBut Mr. Scary, Junie Jones said--

MR. SCARYMay, what are our rules about tattling? You and I came up with threenew rules to control your tattling, remember? Can you tell me what

they are, please?

(May is suddenly mute.)

Junie in the “window”

Projection of her “writing”

Steps back to finish ...

May peaks up from behindJunie

May jumps “down” onplayboard with Juniefollowing

and Mr. Scary coming frombehind them

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MR. SCARYAnyone else want to give May some help?

HERB, LUCILLE, SHELDON, JOSE(All the other students hands shoot up.)

I do! I do!

MAY(quickly)

Rule number one: Count to twenty before I tattle. Rule number two: IfI still feel like tattling count to twenty again .

MR. SCARYYes, May. Excellent. And rule number three?

MAYRule number three...if I still feel like tattling after that...go home, eat

dinner, go to bed, wake up, eat breakfast, come back to school, raise myhand to tattle, then put my hand over my mouth, and please be quiet.

MR. SCARYPerfect! Those are exactly the rules we talked about, aren’t they? I’m

very proud of you for remembering them! But the next step is toactually follow the rules, okay? And I don’t believe you counted to

twenty this time, did you?

JUNIE B.I can vouch for that. There was definitely no counting.

MR. SCARYAnd as for you, Miss Jones ... this is absolutely the last time that I ever

want to talk to you about name-calling.

JUNIE B.But I didn’t even call her a name, Mr. Scary!

All I did was write blabbermouth.

MR. SCARYI don’t want you to say or hum or write blabbermouth again.

Do you understand?(pause)

JUNIE B.Yes. What about dumb bunny? Can I call her dumb bunny?

MR. SCARYNo, absolutely not, Junie B.

Appear over the playboardstanding up as if they weresitting before

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JUNIE B.Hey, I know! Maybe I could just think the dumb part in my head.

‘cause heads are silent, which is what I like about heads. And I’ll callher just plain bunny. Would just plain bunny be okay with you?

MAYNo, no, no! Just plain bunny isn’t nice either!

SHELDONBunny isn’t nice? How come bunny isn’t nice? I have an aunt named

Bunny and she’s very, very nice. My aunt Bunny is married to my uncleVern. Aunt Bunny has a lot of--

MR. SCARY(quickly)

Yes, Sheldon, we know. You’ve told us some interesting things abouther. But right now we don’t need to hear any more about your aunt

Bunny’s--

SHELDONSkull tattoos.

JUNIE B./HERBWhoa.

(Junie B. and Herb high-five one another.)

JUNIE B.(to audience)

Herbert and me have been bestest friends ever since our first day on the bus together.

(to Herb)Remember that, Herbert? Remember how we just clicked?

HERBSure, Junie B.

MR. SCARYOkay, I need everyone in their seats while I take attendance.

HERBBut what about the kids who are absent?

MAYIt’s their own fault they’re not here today. Right, Mr. Scary?

MR. SCARYThey’re sick, May. That’s not really anyone’s “fault”.

Sheldon and Herb enter thediscussion

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MAYStill. I’m glad we don’t have to get their dirty, nasty germs on us.

MR. SCARYBoys and girls, I know that many of you are still worried about what

happened to Roger yesterday.

HERBYeah, he threw up. Splat-o!

ALL STUDENTSEwww!

LUCILLEHe almost got some of it on my expensive shoes!

JOSÉIt was Cheerios. Muy Cheerios!

ALL STUDENTSEwww!

JUNIE B.It was the disgustingest thing I ever saw.

Also, the air did not smell delightful.

SHELDONI felt sorry for him.

LUCILLEI was never so glad to see a janitor.

JUNIE B.Gus Vallony, Gus Vallony! I know that guy.

HERBYeah, he sprinkled that powder all over the splat-o and, whoa!

It swept right up into his bucket.

JOSÉSi, that powder is like magic.

JUNIE B.It is like magic! Plus now it smells lemony fresh in here.

(They all sniff in agreement.)

SHELDONI wish I had some of that stuff for my mother.

She loves to clean up messes.

Lucille and Jose enter, Lucilleshows off her shoes.

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HERB(Herb jumps up.)

Whoa! Wait! My mother loves to clean up messes and her birthday ison Sunday. And so that’s what I’ll get her. I’ll get her a tub of that

magic powder! What’s the name of it, Mr. Scary? Huh? What’s it called? What’s it called?

(Mr. Scary looks at the canister of left-over cleaning powder.)

MR. SCARY‘Vomit absorbent’. It’s called ‘vomit absorbent’.

(Herbs knees buckle a bit, then a little shiver moves through him.)HERB

Maybe I’ll just draw her a picture.(He quietly sits down. Sheldon puts his empty lunch sack on his own

head.)

MR. SCARYSheldon, take the bag off your head.

SHELDONNo, I need this! Whenever somebody throws up, their germs shoot outin the air all over the place! Then, if somebody else breathes that same

air, those germs can get sucked right up their nostrils!

JUNIE B.Whoa.

HERB/JOSÉWhoa.

JUNIE B.(to audience)

Whoa is what we say to be supportive.(Junie B. plugs her nose. The other students do the same.)

MR. SCARYClass, there’s a stomach virus going around school, and I think Roger

caught it. I’m afraid it doesn’t help to hold your nose. In fact, one of the easiest ways to catch a virus

is to touch your nose with germy hands.

(All the children let go of their noses and try to hold their breath.)

And for those of you wearing paper bags on your heads, Sheldon -- there are probably thousands of germs in there with you.

(A moment, then:)

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SHELDONAaauuuggh!

(He pulls the paper bag off and furtively begins to wipe his nose and faceagainst his shirt sleeve. A first a knock on microphone, then cough and

then voice comes over the classroom intercom.)

MR. TOOT (V.O.)Good morning Mr. Scary! This is Mr. Toot. The music teacher.

MR. SCARYWe all know who you are, Mr. Toot.

MR. TOOT (V.O.)I have the box of you-know-what for the students.

MR. SCARYThe box of ...

MR. TOOT (V.O.)(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hmm, hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm!

MR. SCARYOh. Yes. Fine.

MR. TOOT (V.O.)I’ll be right down with the box of hm-hm-hmm--

MR. SCARYThank you, Mr. Toot.

MAYWhat did Mr. Toot mean, Mr. Scary? What box? Is there something inthe box? Is it a surprise for us? Junie Jones should not get a surprise

after what she wrote. Right, Mr. Scary?

JUNIE B.Helpful hint, May: stop tattle-taleing.

MR. SCARYBoys and girls, finish writing in your journals. I need to step outside

the classroom door to help Mr. Toot.

(He gives Junie B. and May a warning look, then he exits.)

MAYDon’t you wonder what’s in that box, Junie Jones?

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JUNIE B.“Box” starts with the same letter you always forget when you say

my name, remember, May? And so maybe I should use it in a sentence for you.

(Junie B. leans in close to May.)Dear Blabbermouth May. My name is Junie B. Jones. B-b-b-b-b !

How come you can’t remember B’s? Huh, May? Are you a blockhead or something?

(May grabs Junie B.’s journal and begins ripping pages out as Junie B. hangs on.)

Hey! That’s my journal! That’s my personal property!

Music Cue #2(Junie B. tries to yank the journal out of May’s grasp. They pull back and

forth, in a wild tangle of arms and paper and sleeves ... until Junie B.gives it one last fierce yank -- and succeeds in wresting her journal out ofMay’s clutches. She falls back in her seat, and notices she still has hold of

May’s sweater sleeve, which is now exceedingly stretched out.)

JUNIE B.Uh oh.

MAYMy sweater-- look at what you did!

(Junie B. disengages herself from the lifeless sweater sleeve. She helpfully scoops it up and sets it in a wad on May’s lap.)

MAYMr. Scary! Mr. Scary! Junie Jones wrecked my sweater sleeve!

(Mr. Scary re-enters.)

MR. SCARYWhat’s going on in here?

MAYIt’s ruined, it’s ruined! My very favorite sweater is ruined!

JUNIE B.The whole sweater isn’t ruined, actually. It’s just that one sleeve, May.

If you grow one arm to the ground it will fit like a glove, probably.

MAYLook at this! Just look at it, Mr. Scary! Junie Jones wrecked my

sweater. Junie Jones wrecks everything!

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JUNIE B.“B”! Junie B. wrecks everything!

MR. SCARYWhat would you like to say to May, Junie B.?

JUNIE B.(taking a mad breath)

I do not wreck everything. And anyway, this wasn’t even my fault!You’re the one who started it, May. You’re the one who stoled my

journal.

MR. SCARYStole, the word is stole, Junie B. Not stoled.

JUNIE B.Okay but now is not actually the time for grammar.

MR. SCARYJunie B.

JUNIE B.Fine. She stole my journal. She just grabbed it right from me.

And she ripped pages out.

MAYBut I only took her journal because she wrote a bad name about me!

JUNIE B.But May wouldn’t even know about that name if she didn’t snoop!

Snooping in someone’s journal is an invasion of their piracy.

MR. SCARYPrivacy , it’s invasion of privacy , Junie B. Not piracy .

JUNIE B.For the love of Pete! Can’t you just let it go?

I’m trying to make a point here!(a pause, then, quietly)

Sorry. Sorry I got mad Mr. Scary. Sometimes grammar makes my head explode.

MR. SCARYI really don’t understand your behavior lately, girls. The holidays arethe time of year when we try to spread peace and goodwill. But you

two are treating each other worse and worse every day.

SHELDONYeah, they’ve been fighting like cats and hogs.

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JOSÉDogs.

SHELDONReally? No kidding? They fight, too?

LUCILLEMy richie Nana says fighting is unrefined. And she would know.

She’s filthy rich.(She stands up and twirls.)

She bought me this dress. It’s made of fancy, floaty chiffon, the bestthat money can buy! And fancy, floaty chiffon is as light as a feather.

My daddy says I look just like a princess when I wear this!(she fluffs her flouncy skirt)

Who would like me to hop in the air and make it float? Please clap your hands.

(Before anyone can clap, she is hopping and twirling for all she’s worth.)

MR. SCARYThank you for that, Lucille. That’s enough. Lucille-- please sit down!

(Lucille executes a final twirl, then sits. Mr. Scary massages hisforehead.)

HERB(to Junie B.)

Mr. Scary is coming unglued.

JUNIE B.Yes. Mr. Scary is going to need a backup, I believe.

(to audience)Backup is the grown-up word for the police might need to come, possibly.

MR. SCARYNow. I don’t care whose fault it is, if you two have another fight today

there will be no Holiday Sing-Along. For anyone.

ALL STUDENTS(except Lucille)No Sing-Along?

LUCILLEI’m fine with that. Rich people don’t enjoy public Sing-Alongs.

(She quiets off Mr. Scary’s look.)

MR. SCARYAnd, you two girls will be parking yourselves

in the principal’s office for the afternoon.

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Music Cue #3(Slightly threatening music plays as lights briefly reveal

two “bad” chairs in the principal’s office.)

JUNIE B.(to audience)

I’ve parked at the principal’s office before. There’s not a lot of singing that goes on down there.

(The chairs vanish.)

MR. SCARYSo what’s it going to be, girls? Shake hands and make up, or spend the

afternoon at the office?

(Junie looks at May; May stares at the floor. Mr. Scary taps his foot.)

MR. SCARY (CONT’D)Well?

(Junie B. grabs May’s elongated sweater sleeve and gives it a shake.)

JUNIE B.There. Fine. I shaked with her.

MR. SCARYShook.

JUNIE B.Whatever.

MR. SCARYThank-you, Junie B.

(Junie B. releases the sleeve; it drops to the floor. She kicks it over toMay-- who immediately picks it up and swats Junie B. with it.)

JUNIE B.Hey, quit it!

MR. SCARYGirls! I mean it.

MAYI was just getting the dust out.

MR. SCARYGo. Sit. Down.

(May gathers up her sleeve and goes to her desk.)

MOVIE

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JUNIE B.Peace and goodwill do not come easy for some people,

do they Mr. Scary?

Music Cue #4(Mr. Scary looks at Junie, then turns and goes.

She speaks to the audience-- in her journal light.)

Okay. Here is the honest truth. I am a little bit worried about theHoliday Sing-Along. Holiday shows at school do not bring out the bestin me. The last show we did was a Columbus Day play. It was October

I believe. And that was not my shiniest moment.

The Classroom, 3 Months Earlier

The Auditorium

Mr. Scary enters wearing a tie. He is followed by the students of RoomOne in their costumes, carrying flats and props. There is an air ofexcitement. Someone hands Junie B. her ship.

JUNIE B.My stomach has flutterflies in it. Does yours, Sheldon?

Does your stomach have flutterflies in it?(Sheldon responds by giggling hysterically.)

MR. SCARYOkay people, places! It’s showtime!

(Everyone runs to their place. Mr. Scary gives a big thumbs up, thensignals to Herb to raise the curtain. Perhaps we can see the players

waiting for their entrance behind the flats. Herb brings the lights up andsignals to Lucille.)

HERBAnd action!

Music Cue #5(Music signals Lucille to make a royal entrance, followed by José.)

LUCILLEHello, sailor. My name is richie Queen Isabelle.

JOSÉIsabella .

LUCILLEIzzsabellA.

(She curtsies, then indicates that he should bow to her. He does.)

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JOSÉHola , Queen Isabella. My name is Cristobal Colon. I would like to look

for a new trade route to China. Can I please have some money to sailthe ocean blue?

LUCILLEOkay, here’s some money. But please bring back the change.

(They curtsy and bow deeply. Lucille exits grandly. José looks around the stage.)

JOSÉWho would like to sail the ocean blue with me?

HERB(loud whisper)

Ships, you’re on!

JUNIE B.Wowie wow wow.

HERBGood luck!

(Junie B., Sheldon, and May sail onstage.)

JUNIE B.(in her loud voice)

I am the Pinta. And I am the fastest ship.

MAY(trying to out-loud Junie B.)

I am the Santa Maria. And I am the biggest ship.

(Jose´ sneezes. Sheldon covers his nose and mouth. He forgets to speak.)

MAY(fierce whisper)

It’s your turn, Sheldon. Go!(Sheldon stares at the audience.)

Music Cue #6JUNIE B.

(whispering)You’re the Niña!

SHELDONThe who?

JUNIE B./JOSÉ/MAY/LUCILLEThe Niña! The Niña! The Niña!

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SHELDON(rotely)

I am the Niña, the Niña, the Niña!(He stalls.)

And um...let’s see...what else...

MR. SCARY(loud whisper)

Keep moving, Sheldon!

JOSÉAh, three fine ships! Just what I need to sail the ocean blue.

Tomorrow we will begin our journey.

(Herb crosses the stage with a large sign that reads: “Okay...now it’stomorrow”. The three ships sail side-by-side, in brief unison, before Maymakes her move. She pulls ahead of the others; Junie B. reaches up and

grabs May’s sail.)

JUNIE B.(whisper)

You’re not supposed to get there first, May.

MAY(whispering)

I can’t help it if my ship is faster than yours, Junie Jones.

JUNIE B.No! You can’t change history, May. History is the law!

(Junie B. takes matters into her own hands and overtakes the SantaMaria.)

Ha! What do you know? I’m winning again.

MAYOut of my way, you puny Pinta!

SHELDONWait for the Niña!

(The Pinta and the Santa Maria battle for the lead. May attempts to pullthe Pinta out of her way.)

MAYIt’s not a race, Junie Jones!

JUNIE B.It is now, sister!

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SHELDONYou’re going the wrong way.

MR. SCARY(fierce whisper)

Ships -- girls -- stop!

HERBLook out, Pinta!

(Junie B. clips May’s ship, causing May to stumble and slam into a setpiece.)

MAYYou did that on purpose!

(Sheldon freezes center stage, mortified.)

HERBKeep going, Sheldon!

(Sheldon tries to go around May as she rises unsteadily.)

MAYWait, it’s not your turn yet!

(She scrambles to get ahead of the Niña, shoving him as she goes. Hestops.)

MR. SCARYDo something, Sheldon!

(Sheldon bursts into tears. Mr. Scary runs on stage-- smack intoSheldon. They both fall over; Sheldon cries harder.)

HERBKid overboard!

LUCILLEIs it the queen’s entrance yet?

JOSÉNot yet.

SHELDONHelp me! Help me!

MR. SCARYSsh! Calm down, it’s alright.

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SHELDONIt isn’t alright-- I can’t swim!

MR. SCARYThere’s no water, Sheldon. It’s a play .

LUCILLENow is it the queen’s entrance?

ALLNo!

MAYLand Ho!

(May rallies and comes at the Pinta full force; Junie B. swings the back-end of her ship, swatting May,who trips and crashes into the set, which

collapses around them.)

HERBWhoa.

(Lucille strides on stage. José runs after, tugging on her gown.)

LUCILLEEverybody! I am richie Queen Isabella!

JOSÉWait Isabella, it’s not your turn!

(Herb runs on stage, dragging an inner tube.)

HERBMan the lifeboats!

SHELDONHelp, help!

LUCILLEYou’re wrecking my entrance! I have more queen lines!

(Herb heaves the inner tube, but miscalculates and it slams into Lucille.She tumbles into José, who then falls onto Sheldon.)

HERBThey’re dropping like flies!

(José responds with an epic sneeze.)

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SHELDONAauugghh! It went right up my nostrils!

(Sheldon frantically dog-paddles off stage, dragging the Niña behindhim.)

LUCILLEWhere are you going?

SHELDONHome!

(Sheldon exits.)

LUCILLEOff with his head! Let them eat cake!

MR. SCARYWrong country, Lucille.

(Lucille fluffs, curtsies and exits, followed by José and Mr. Scary.)

MAYNow Columbus will never get to America,

and it’s all your fault, Junie Jones!(May exits.)

JUNIE B.(talking to audience)

It was the worstest moment of my life. All of the children had shockin their faces. Plus the whole audience was shocking, too.

The auditorium does not have good memories, I tell you. And so that iswhy I am nervous about another holiday performance in there.

Especially with May.

Room OneWe are back in class, in the present.

MR. TOOT(offstage)

Hellooo-ooo.

STUDENTS(unison )

Come in, please!

(Mr. Toot enters carrying a large box.)

SHELDONMr. Toot, Mr. Toot!

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MR. TOOTGood Morning!

HERBWhat’s in the box Mr. Toot?

MR. TOOTBoys and girls, our PTO made these costumes several years ago for our

Holiday Sing-Alongs.

(He holds up a very green felt vest and a pointy hat with a bell at the tip.)

MR. TOOTWhat do you think?

LUCILLEThree words. Tacky, tacky, and tacky.

(Mr. Toot shakes the hat.)

JUNIE B.Hey, that sounds just like a jingle-bell sleigh!

MR. TOOTYou’re right, Junie B. Every year, one lucky class gets to wear the

jingle-bell hats.

LUCILLEOh joy.

MR. TOOTAnd this year-- because Room One has been so well behaved in music

class-- I choose you!

LUCILLE(throwing her hands in the air)

What are the odds?

MR. TOOTAnd that’s not all my good news either, boys and girls. Because the

class with the bell hats goes on stage and leads the entire auditorium insinging ‘Jingle Bells’!

STUDENTSYay!/ That’s my favorite one!/ Ho ho ho!, etc.(The students jump for joy-- except Lucille.)

LUCILLEOkay number one: I don’t wear this shade of green.

And number two: I don’t wear bell hats.

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MR. SCARYLucille. That’s enough.

LUCILLEI can’t help it. I have breeding. An elf hat is out of the question.

MR. TOOTAlrighty. Let’s get started, shall we?

STUDENTSYay! Yay!/ ‘Jingle Bells’! ‘Jingle Bells’!/ We’re going to lead ‘Jingle

Bells’!

MR. TOOTNow line up single-file and --

Music Cue #7(The students swarm the box, pulling out hats, vests, and belts. They don

the costumes, shaking their jingly heads and singing as they bouncearound.)

MAY‘Jingle bells, jingle bells’.

JUNIE B.This fits perfect!

HERBI think you look nice in that. You don’t even look stupid, hardly.

JUNIE B.Thank you, Herbert. You don’t look stupid, too.

(They high-five.)

SHELDONLook at me, look at me!

HERBWe’re going to be the stars of the Sing-Along!

MR TOOTYes, okay, everyone, everyone? We’re going to have a quick rehearsal,

just to make sure you know the words.

MAYI know every single word by heart, Mr. Toot. I do.

JUNIE B.Big deal, May. Everybody knows Jingle Bells by heart.

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MAYWatch how fast I do it.

(before anyone can protest)“Jinglebellsjinglebellsjinglealltheway

OhwhatfunitistorideinaonehorseopensleighheyJinglebellsjinglebellsjinglealltheway

Ohwhatfunitistorideinaonehorseopensleigh”

MR. TOOTVery good, May. But some of us might not remember all the verses, so

we’re going to sing through the whole song. Who knows the first line of the first verse?

(May’s hand shoots up and waves.)

Does anyone besides May want to try?(Sheldon timidly raises his hand.)

MR. TOOTSheldon.

SHELDON‘Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh’?

MR. TOOTGood! What about the next line?

(May’s whole body, led by her hand, shoots up. Herb casually raises hishand.)

MR. TOOTHerbert.

HERB‘O’er the fields we go, laughing all the way ho-ho-ho’.

MR. TOOTExcellent, Herbert. Junie B., do you know what comes next?

JUNIE B.Yeah, only this is actually getting kind of boring.

(May claws the air with her hand.)

MAYMe, me, pick me Mr. Toot!

MR. TOOTGo ahead, May.

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MAY‘Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright’.

MR. TOOTThank you, May. Okay, who can --

MAY‘What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight! Ohhh--’

MR. TOOTEveryone! One and two and three ...

Music Cue #8STUDENTS

‘Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the wayOh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh-hey!

(Junie B. sings her lyrics over the others.)

STUDENTS JUNIE B.Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle bells, Batman smells

Jingle all the way Robin laid an egg Oh what fun it is to ride Batmobile lost it’s wheelIn a one horse open sleigh! And Joker got away!

(Herb and Sheldon crack up at Junie’s lyrics.)

MAYMr. Toot, Mr. Toot! Junie Jones is singing the wrong--

(Junie B. yanks on May’s skirt.)

JUNIE B.Psst! May! Are you crazy? You and I can’t fight anymore, rememberthat? If you tattletale on me, we’ll be parking ourselves at Principal’s.

MAY(May claps her hand over her own mouth.)

Oops. Nevermind.

MR. TOOTGood run-through people. I'll see you in the auditorium toot sweet!

(Mr. Toot exits.)

JUNIE B.Whew. That was a close one. I saved our gooses.

MAYYou did not save our gooses, Junie Jones. I saved our gooses. I’m the

one who didn’t tattle. But--(wagging a finger)

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If you sing those bad words on stage at the Sing-Along, I will tell onyou no matter what.

JUNIE B.“Robin laid an egg” is not bad words, May.

An egg is nothing for a bird to be ashamed of.

HERBYeah, what are you getting all huffy about? It’s just a silly song.

MAYI don’t care.(to Junie B.)

You already ruined my sweater. And you ruined my mood. But you’renot going to ruin the Sing-Along. I’m going to stick to you like glue.And even if I get in trouble myself, I will still tell on you. You can

count on that, Junie Jones!(Junie B. growls as May walks away.)

HERBWhat’s with her?

JUNIE B.Three words. May is off her rocker.

The AuditoriumA piano plays festive holiday songs.

JUNIE B.(Speaks to the audience.)

We went to the Sing-Along after lunch. And ha! The auditorium lookedlike Santa’s workshop! There were a jillion cute elves in that place! Itwas very thrilling. Except for May kept on sticking to me like glue.

MAYI’ll be listening to you, Junie Jones. I’ll be hearing every word you sing.

JUNIE B.(to audience)

I smiled to just myself. ‘Cause I had a surprise up my arm, that’s why.

MR. TOOTBoys and girls, it’s time.

(The students scramble onto risers to sing, including Lucille-- who wearsthe green vest cinched tightly and the jingle hat at a fashionable angle.

May trails closely on Junie B’s. heels, trying to elbow out Herb.)

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JUNIE B.This Sing-Along is going to be fun. Right, Herb? Right?

HERBSure, Junie B.

JUNIE B.This Sing-Along is going to be the time of our life!

(May wedges herself between Herb and Junie B.)

JUNIE B.Hey. You’re standing where I stand.

MAYIt’s a free country and this is public property.

(She scoots even closer to Junie B.)I have my eye on you, Junie Jones.

(Mr. Toot stands at the piano and raises his hand to get the children’sattention. May glares at Junie B.)

MR. TOOTAhem.

(He pauses dramatically, then sweeps his hand down and the children singto piano accompaniment.)

Music Cue #9ALL STUDENTS

(singing)‘Dashing through the snowIn a one-horse open sleigh

O’er the fields we goLaughing all the way

LUCILLEHo-ho-ho!

(May glances suspiciously at Junie B., who remains smilingindifferently.)

ALL STUDENTSBells on bobtail ringMaking spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and singA sleighing song tonight! Ohhh

(Junie B. takes a huge breath and sings the next phrase LOUDLY in May’s ear.)

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STUDENTS JUNIE B. Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle bells, Batman smells

Jingle all the way P.S. So does May Oh what fun it is to ride I’d throw May right off the

sleighIn a one horse open sleigh! And then I’d drive away

MAYHEY!

ALL STUDENTS(singing)

Jingle bells

MAYMr.--

ALL STUDENTSJingle bells

MAYMr.--

ALL STUDENTSJingle all the waaay

MAYMr. Toot!

STUDENTSOh what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh!One... Horse... Open... Sleigh!

MAYJunie Jones sang bad, bad wordsYou should make her go away!

Make... Her... Go... Away!

(Mr. Scary marches both girls downstage. The other students fileoffstage.)

MR. SCARYI am very, very disappointed in your behavior today. Both of you.

JUNIE B. MAYIt was her idea! She started it!

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MR. SCARYWhat am I going to do with you two?

(looks at his watch)Unfortunately, it’s too late to send you to the principal’s office.

JUNIE B.Oh dear. That is unfortunate, isn’t it May?

(examining Mr. Scary’s watch)And guess what, school is almost over in two minutes!

So, good news, people! We’re all just going to forget what happened atthe Sing Along and go home. Right Mr. Scary? Right?

(Mr. Scary places a hand on her shoulder, and smiles, then shakes his head “no”.)

JUNIE B.(to audience)

Just then, the bad news came. ‘Cause what do you know? Mr. Scarysaid there was exactly enough time for him to write a note --

to our parents.

(Mr. Scary writes and hands them each a note.)

MAYAll because of you, Junie Jones! It’s all your fault!

(Mr. Scary and May exit.)

JUNIE B.(to audience)

Only here’s the worstest part of all. May might actually be right this time. Possibly.

(Lights snap out.)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWORoom OneMusic Cue #10Junie B. sits at her desk and glares at the back of May’s head while shewrites. May responds without looking up.

MAYI know you’re staring at me, Junie Jones. But I don’t care that we got

notes sent home yesterday. My mother was proud of me, in fact. She said that you deserved to get tattled on.

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(she swings around to face Junie B.)Did you learn a lesson, Junie Jones? Well? Did you?

JUNIE B.Sometimes if you glare hard enough, you can melt people’s heads.

I saw that on a movie commercial once. It was P-G13, I believe.(A pause, then May quickly returns to writing in her journal.)

MR. SCARYBoys and Girls, this is the day Classroom One gets to visit the HolidayGift Shop in the media center. Today we’ll just be looking at the gifts.Then, on Friday, we’ll go back with our money and buy the things we

want. Does anyone have questions?

(Junie B. waves her hand in the air.)

JUNIE B.Guess what, Mr. Scary? My mother said I get to spend one whole

dollar on every person in my family! And that adds up to five entire dollars!

(Lucille raises her hand.)

LUCILLEI can spend all the money in the world. It’s true, people.

(She stands and fluffs her dress.)My family has more money than you can shake a stick at.

(She fluffs again and sits.)

MR. SCARYYes. Well. Fortunately, we don’t need to be rich to shop at the gift

shop, Lucille. Everything there is very affordable. Does everyone knowwhat “affordable” means?

JUNIE B.I do, I do! “Affordable” means cheap!

My grampa Frank Miller LOVES cheap.

SHELDONMy grampa does, too! We call him Cheap Old Ned!

JOSÉSorry amigo, but no body is cheaper than my parents. Everytime I ask

for something cool, it’s ‘nada dinero, nada dinero.’ They are el cheapo!

MR. SCARYOkay, before we go to the gift shop, we’re going to draw names for our

Secret Santa gift party. That way you’ll be able to look for yourSecret Santa gifts while you’re down there, too.

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(He picks up a basket)Can anyone tell me the most important rule about being a Secret Santa?

ALL STUDENTSYOU MUST KEEP THE SECRET!

MR. SCARY(thumbs up)

Yes! Excellent!(He offers the basket to Lucille.)

Go ahead and pick a name Lucille-- but first close your eyes.(Lucille closes her eyes and picks a piece of paper from the basket.)

SHELDONWho did you get?

LUCILLEDo you even listen?

(She covertly reads her piece of paper, then beams, as Mr. Scary offersthe basket to each student.)

ALL STUDENTSAlright, it’s who I wanted!/ Awesome!/ Ooh, goody!/ etc.

(Mr. Scary stands before Junie B.)

MR. SCARYCongratulations, Junie B. You have the honor of choosing the final name!

JUNIE B.(drumming her fingers)

Okay, see, one name left is not actually called choosing . One name leftis called take it or leave it. I hate being in this seat! I get all the badstuff back here. Even on the very first day of school, I got the only

crayons that were already used!

MR. SCARYYes, Junie B. I know that.

MAYWe all know that, you say it every time we color.

JUNIE B.Did I mention that my red crayon wasn’t even pointy?

‘Cause it wasn’t. My red crayon was already --

HERBRoundy. You told us that already.

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JUNIE B.Did I mention that my greenie was broken in half?

My greenie was just a teensie little--

JOSÉStubbie. Si . You told us that, too.

MR. SCARYLook. Right now, someone in this room is counting on you being their

Secret Santa, Junie B. So you really need to read that name. Now.

(Junie B. sighs, closes her eyes, makes a wish,then takes the piece ofpaper. She slides down in her chair and unfolds it. She stares at it for a

long moment; she looks at Mr. Scary, looks at the piece of paper, then, folds it up and hands it back to him.)

JUNIE B.I believe I’ll pass on this one.

MR. SCARYThere’s no “passing” Junie B. You take the name and that’s that.

JUNIE B.But I do not actually care for that name.

MR. SCARYYou take the name you got and that’s that.

(Junie B. clunks her head down onto her desk. Mr. Scary reads the nameon her paper. She raises her head to look at him, then clunks her

head on her desk again.)

MR. SCARYPlease knock off the clunking. Boys and girls, Junie B. needs a little bit

of help reading the name. Excuse us.

(Mr. Scary ushers Junie B. to a private corner of Room One.)

Music Cue #11JUNIE B.

It’s not fair, Mr. Scary. I hate that name! I hate it, I hate it.

MR. SCARYYou know I don’t allow that word in my classroom, Junie B.

We do not hate in Room One.

JUNIE B.Really? No kidding. A lot of children will be surprised to hear that.

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MR. SCARYLook. I know you and May aren’t the best of friends. But this is thetime of peace and goodwill, remember? And being a Secret Santa to

someone you don’t like is the truest form of goodwill there is.

JUNIE B.(to audience)

How do teachers come up with this stuff?

MR. SCARYReally, Junie B. If you do something nice for May, you’ll feel so proud

inside. It will feel like a gift that you’ve given yourself.

JUNIE B.(to audience)

Maybe they pick it up at teacher school.

MR. SCARYCan you give it a try, Junie B. Can you be May’s Secret Santa?

JUNIE B.(blandly)

Ho ho no . I mean ho.

MR. SCARYThere’s the Christmas Spirit!

(to the other students)Okay, boys and girls -- follow Junie B. to the gift shop!

ALL STUDENTSYea! The gift shop!

JUNIE B.Whoopee.

(to audience)This is the whole dumb problem with school. One minute you’re alljoyful and happy. And the next minute the joy gets flushed right out

of you!

Media Room/Ye Olde Gift ShoppeMusic Cue #12Holiday music plays. Elf Ellen stands beneath a ‘Ye Olde Gift Shoppe’sign in the media room, which is decked out festively, with five, toy-ladentables. The students enter with Mr. Scary.

ELF ELLENWelcome, Room One! Welcome to our holiday gift shop!

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STUDENTSWow! Fake snow!/ Candy canes!/ Look at all the toys!

ELF ELLENI am the president of the P.T.O. My name is Mrs. Hooks. But -- just

for today -- you get to call me Elf Ellen! Some of you might know myson, Jeff. Jeff is a big third grader.

SHELDON(Sheldon raises his hand.)

I know Jeff Hooks. Jeff Hooks stole my milk money last year.

ELF ELLEN(frozen pause, then:)

I’m here to help you with your gift selections. If you have anyquestions please let me know --

SHELDON(waving his hand in the air)

Did Jeff Hooks ever get punished for what he did? I reported him tothe office. But I never got my money back.

(Elf Ellen squints at Sheldon.)

ELF ELLENI meant questions about the gift shop.

(She gestures toward the tables.)

As you can see, each of our tables has a number on it. The number onthe table matches the price of all the gifts on that particular table.

For example, all of the gifts on Table One sell for one dollar. And allof the gifts on Table Two sell for two dollars. And the gifts on Table

Three sell for...

ALL STUDENTSThree dollars!

ELF ELLENAnd so on. Does everyone understand?

(Herb raises his hand.)Yes, young man?

HERBWhat about the gifts on Table Four. What do they go for?

ELF ELLENTable Four has a four on it, doesn’t it? Four means four.

They sell for four dollars.

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HERBI see. And Table five?

ELF ELLEN(to Mr. Scary)

Is he pulling my leg?

SHELDONWhere’s Table Thirty-five Cents? That’s how much Jeff Hooks still owes

me. Is there a Table Thirty-five Cents?

(Elf Ellen digs into her apron pocket and hastily retrieves some coins,which she thrusts at Sheldon.)

ELF ELLENThere. Are you satisfied?

(Sheldon grins. Elf Ellen claps her hands briskly.)

Now children, feel free to browse around. Please do not break the toys.And please don’t eat the candy canes. And please, please do not blow

your nose on the handkerchiefs. Alright, have fun!

(Elf Ellen yanks off her hat and exits. The students swarm the tables,grabbing, shaking, and examining toy packages as Mr. Scary looks on.)

JUNIE B.Crayons! They got crayons. Look-- the red has a sharp head! And

greenie is not even a stubbie!(she sniffs the crayons)

Breathe that brand-new crayon smell, Herbert. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Iwould love, love, love to buy these things.

HERBTattoos! They’ve got tattoo’s, Junie B. And they really, really look real.

JUNIE B.Whoa!

HERBPirates. Dragons. Dinosaurs!

JUNIE B.And kitty-cat tattoos! Plus, also, a nice variety of swamp animals.

This is all the tattoos a kid could ever dream of.

SHELDONMy Aunt Bunny has six tattoos. And a pointy tooth. She can stab a

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pickle with her tooth. And the pickle just stays there.(pause)

JUNIE B.Hey! Maybe I could buy one of these tattoos for everyone in my family.And then I can get even more money from my mom and buy some for

me!

SHELDONNever count on more money from a mother, Junie B. Take it from me,

Sheldon Potts. Do not count your chickens before they’re hashed.

HERBYou mean hatched . Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched .

SHELDONReally? Are you sure? ‘Cause my Aunt Bunny brings chicken hash fordinner every Sunday. She was a chef in prison and chicken hash is her

specialty.(pause)

But still, I never count on it.

JUNIE B.Glow in the dark barrettes! I’ve always, always wanted these things!

HERBWhoa. Cool.

JUNIE B.I know they are cool, Herbert! ‘Cause if you lose your hair in the dark,

you will always, always be able to find it.May taps Junie B. on the shoulder.

MAYYou shouldn’t be wanting to buy gifts for yourself , Junie Jones. We

are here to buy gifts for others.

(Junie B. covers her ears.)

JUNIE B.Whoops, bad news! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

MAY(shouting)

IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE. GIVING IS THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

I AM A GIVER. I GIVE AND I GIVE AND IGIVE AND I GIVE. LISTEN TO ME!

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MR. SCARYJunie B. Take your hands off your ears, please.

JUNIE B.YEAH, ONLY I CAN’T ACTUALLY HEAR YOU!

I’VE GOT MY HANDS OVER MY EARS.

(Mr. Scary takes her hands from her ears.)

JUNIE B.Hello, how are you today?

MR. SCARYYou two aren’t having another problem, are you?

JUNIE B.Nope. No siree. No problem. I was just being thrilled at these gifts.

That’s all I was doing.

MAYAnd I was just telling her to be a giver like me.

My mother says that some people are born to be givers. And other people are born to be shellfish.

JUNIE B.I don’t even care for shellfish.

MR. SCARY(softly but firmly)

You two may continue browsing, but please, keep your voices--

(A loud burp pierces the quiet.)

JOSÉLucille! It was Lucille!

STUDENTSLucille burped!/ I heard it!/ That was a loudy!

JUNIE B.I didn’t even know rich people burped!

SHELDONMe neither! I am pleasantly surprised.

LUCILLEBut I didn’t burp! I don’t even know how!

(She holds up a round toy.)

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This thing burped, not me!

(She squeezes the toy and it makes a giant burp. Everyone cracks up,including Mr. Scary.)

JUNIE B.A good burp can bring the whole world together, I tell you!

JOSÉWhat is that thing?

MR. SCARY(reading the package label)

It’s called a Sqeeze-a-Burp. And it costs five dollars.

MAYA Squeeze-a-Burp?

HERBSqueeze the Sqeeze-a-Burp again, Mr. Scary!

MR. SCARYI think we’ve had enough burping for one day.

JOSÉHow can you have too much burping? Burping is pure entertainment.

SHELDONI agree. My grampa can burp the ‘Star Spangled Banner’! I’ve been

trying to bring him in for show-and-tell. But he’s booked solid.

JUNIE B.Sheldon comes from a talented family I think.May picks up the Squeeze-A-Burp and reads:

MAY“World’s Biggest belch in a Bag”. Ew.

JUNIE B.That gift is a genius .

HERBDefinitely.

JUNIE B.I would love, love, love to buy that thing.

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HERBMe too.

MAYYou’re supposed to buy for others, remember, Junie Jones?

Anyway, five dollars is a lot of money for a burp.

SHELDONYeah. Except for my grampa, everyone in my family still burps for free.

MR. SCARYThat’s all for today. Everyone back to class.

(The Squeeze-A-Burp is returned to the table and the students herdoffstage -- except Junie B., who eyes the vaunted toy, which has taken on

a strange, otherworldly glow...

Music Cue #13Junie B-?

Lights shift and we are in June B.’s mind– where all the other studentshave pooled their money to buy her a gift. She is presented with a very

huge box. She opens it to reveal: a very huge Squeeze-a-Burp. Everyoneis thrilled for Junie B. Mr. Scary congratulates her and gives her a star.Lucille claps her hands and does a happy dance. Herb gives Junie B. ahigh-five and José takes a picture of them standing next to the new toy.

Sheldon pokes the Squeeze-a-Burp and giggles. Only May dissents,lurking around the thing with disapproval.)

STUDENTS(a chant)

Squeeze it, squeeze it, squeeze it!

(With great fan fare, Junie B. gives the thing a great squeeze. It emits anenormous burp, and blows May offstage. The students-- and Mr. Scary,

cheer.)

Junie B’s. BedroomJunie B. bounces with joy on her bed.

JUNIE B.Good news, Philip Johnny Bob! Philip? Where did you go? Ha!

(She dives under her bed-- or leans far over the upstage side. We hearsome muffled laughter, maybe a little covert roughhousing, then Junie B.

pulls Philip Johnny Bob onto the bed. He is a stuffed elephant.)

JUNIE B.Okay that’s not even fair. How am I going to do a tickle-fight if you’re

not actually ticklish? Huh, Philip?

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PHILIP JOHNNY BOBI can’t help it if I’m not ticklish. I’m stuffed.

Besides, I’m a hugger, not a fighter.

(Junie B. jumps up and down on the bed, squeezing him and throwing himinto the air.)

JUNIE B.Yeah, only I’m just so excited, Phil!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBPlease stop throwing me. Thank you. Now. Why are you excited?

JUNIE B.‘Cause I’m going to get a Squeeze-A-Burp, that’s why!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBA Squeeze-A-what?

JUNIE B.Burp, Phil! Today was Room One’s day for the Holiday Gift Shop, where

you’re supposed to buy things for others, mostly. And so I’m onlybuying one little toy for myself and it’s name is Squeeze-A-Burp!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBJust only one little, bitty toy for yourself? That’s so fair of you.

JUNIE B.I know it! ‘Cause one little toy is not even being a shellfish.

Right, Phil? Right?

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBRight!

JUNIE B.My Grampa Miller said he will give me five whole dollars, which is

exactly what it will cost! Plus, my parents already gave me five dollars,so everyone will still get their own entire gift that costs a dollar. And

so what could be nicer than that?

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBYou’re a giver, Junie B.

(Junie B. removes a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket.)

JUNIE B.Elf Ellen gave us a list of everything that costs a dollar.

She said we should study the list.

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(They pour over the list.)

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBHm. It’s hard to choose, isn’t it? There are some very lovely gift items.

(he does a double-take)Tattoos?! They have tattoos?!

(he attempts a flip but manages only a belly-flop)Okay that hurt.

JUNIE B.Look, Phil-- they have five different kinds of tatoos!

And all of them really, really look real.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBOooh. You can’t go wrong with tattoos.

JUNIE B.I agree! And so it is all settled, Philip.

I will buy everyone their very own tattoos.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBAnd that will use up your whole ten dollars!

JUNIE B.Five dollars for my family, and five dollars for the Squeeze-A-Burp.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBIt works out perfect!

JUNIE B.Yay!

(They tumble over each other, then relax on the bed in happy exhaustion.)

JUNIE B.Friday is going to be fun. ‘Cause in the morning I will buy presents.And in the afternoon, Room One will have our Secret Santa party!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBGifts and a Secret Santa party! What can be better than that?

JUNIE B.Uh-oh.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBUh-oh?

JUNIE B.The Secret Santa gift, Philip. I forgot that I have to buy a Secret

Santa gift for dumb old May!

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PHILIP JOHNNY BOBYeah, so?

JUNIE B.So all of my ten dollars is already used up.

And so where will I get the money for May? Where, Philip? Where?

(They stare out into the abyss, thinking hard. Philip Johnny Bob suddenlyhas a “light bulb” moment.)

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBFrom Mother and Daddy, of course! Money for school presents is their

job, Junie B. Not yours.

JUNIE B.Whew. You’re right, Phil. It is their job. Plus, a gift for May won’t

even cost much, hardly.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBAny dumb old gift will do for May, right?

JUNIE B.(shaking a finger at him)

Hey, hey, hey. That is not a good attitude, Mister.

(Philip Johnny Bob lowers his head and pretends to feel really bad. A pause, then they both laugh their heads off.

Lights cut. Junie B. steps into her journal light, talking to the audience.)

JUNIE B.I cannot believe this situation! The next morning Mother said no moremoney. Plus Daddy said no more money, too. They said they already

gave me five dollars and Grampa Miller gave me five whole dollars more,only he was not supposed to tell them that! And so great! Now I have

stress in my head. I need an extra buck, I tell you! I really, reallyneed an extra buck!

Room OneJunie B. sits at her desk. Herb turns around in his seat.

HERBI know, Junie B. You told me that on the bus, remember? But I don’t

have a buck. I really, really don’t.

(He turns to face front. Junie B. taps him on the head with her pencil.)

JUNIE B.Yeah, only I don’t need it now , Herb. I need it for tomorrow . And so

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just bring me a dollar tomorrow. And I will be your bestest friend.

(Herb turns around again.)

HERBYou already are my bestest friend. Plus I already told you. My

mother will only give me the exact amount I need for my gifts. Shesays every time she gives me extra money, I lose it.

JUNIE B.Mothers. They’re all the same. They think children lose everything .

And we don’t.

HERBI know we don’t. It’s ridiculous. Can I borrow a pencil? I lost mine.

JUNIE B.Sure.

(She hands him a pencil, then leans across the isle and taps on José.)

JUNIE B.Psst! José! I need an extra buck tomorrow. Can you bring an extra

buck? Huh, José? Please, please, please?

JOSÉSorry. My parents are muy tacaños. That means ‘tightwads’ in Spanish.

SHELDONMy parents are tightwads, too! I’ve never had an extra buck in my life.

(Lucille waves a credit card.)

LUCILLEI never carry cash. Cash is tacky.

(May jumps up and waves her hand in the air.)

MAYAsk me, Junie Jones. Ask me! My parents aren’t tightwads. I always

have extra money. I have two whole dollars with me right now. Want to see?

JUNIE B.I don’t know, maybe.

(May takes out a shiney plastic wallet, unsnaps it, and displays two crispdollar bills.)

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MAYSee? I told you I had money. My parents say I should always have

money in case of an emergency.

JUNIE B.Wowie wow wow! What a coincidence. ‘Cause this is a ‘mergency, May.

And so if you will just give me one of those dollars, that will take careof my whole entire problem!

MAYDon’t be silly. This is for my emergencies. Not yours , Junie Jones.

JUNIE B.But-- but you are a giver , May! Remember?

You are a giver and I am a shellfish.

MAYYeah, so?

JUNIE B.So if you give me a dollar...I will take a dollar. And that will make

sense for both of us!

(May briefly considers this.)

MAYNo. I can’t. My father says that friends should never borrow money

from each other.

(Junie B. claps for joy.)

JUNIE B.Then it’s perfect . ‘Cause you and I aren’t friends. I don’t even like

you, May! Plus, listen to this. I’m not even “borrowing “ the money.You’re just giving it to me! And I’m not paying you back!

(May glares at Junie B., then puts the money away and returns to herseat.)

I don’t get it. That was the best arguing I ever thought of. What went wrong there?

HERBI think it might have been the “I don’t even like you, May” part.

SHELDONPlus the “I’m not paying you back” part was probably not the way to

go, either.

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MAYOr else maybe you were never, ever getting the money in the first place.

Did you ever think of that, Junie Jones?

(May and Junie square up and share an intense glare.)

JUNIE B.It’s Junie B. Jones. B-B-B-B-B!

(Mr. Scary enters with white paper lunch bags.)

MR. SCARYClass, these sacks are going to hold our Secret Santa gifts. Today each

one of you will decorate your own sack. And tomorrow your SecretSanta will put your gift inside. Sound like fun?

STUDENTSFun!

MAYReally, really fun. Thinking about Secret Santa Day puts me in a happy

mood. Even Junie Jones can’t ruin my Secret Santa Day tomorrow!

(She skips happily around her desk, sticking her tongue out each time shepasses Junie B. The students skip offstage.)

JUNIE B.(to audience)

That meanie girl doesn’t even deserve a Secret Santa gift, I tell you!She doesn’t deserve any dumb gift at all! If I was the real Santa

Clause, I would give May coal in her stocking. That’s what she reallydeserves. Coal.

(pause)That just gave me chill bumps. I am a genius, I think.

Music Cue # repeat of another previous cueJunie B.’s Bedroom-- or simply her “space” on the stage.Junie B. rushes on, carrying a charcoal briquette in a ziplock baggie.

JUNIE B.Coal! Coal! I got coal, Phil! See it? Huh? Where are you, anyway?

(She glances around, looking for Philip Johnny Bob. Perhaps he’s undersomething...or maybe he gets tossed onto the stage.)

JUNIE B.(holding it up)See the coal?

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PHILIP JOHNNY BOBWhy do you have coal?

JUNIE B.On account of coal is what the real Santa Claus gives mean children.

And so that is exactly what I will give May!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBCoal.

JUNIE B.I got it from Daddy’s barbeque grill, where he cooks hamburgers and

hotdogs.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBYeah, only here’s the problem. That’s not actually coal.

That’s called a charcoal briquette.

JUNIE B.Yes, Philip. I know it’s a charcoal briquette. But I saw a picture of

coal before and it looks exactly like this, kind of. And so May will not even know the difference.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBOh, I get it. The coal is to teach her a lesson.

JUNIE B.Right, Phil. That’s how come Santa thought of coal in the first place.

To teach bad children lessons.(pause)

Right, Phil? Right?

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBRight! Plus, after May learns her lesson ... she can grill herself a hot dog!

JUNIE B.Yes! Ha! A hot dog! You are one funny elephant, Mister!

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBAnd you are a genius , Madame!

(Junie B. drops the coal baggie into her backpack.)

JUNIE B.Ha! The perfect Secret Santa gift for meanie May.

PHILIP JOHNNY BOBAnd it didn’t even cost you a single cent!

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(She stows the backpack.)

JUNIE B.And that is that...so there!

Room OneJunie B. rushes to her desk, drops her backpack on the floor, and takes hershoe off.

HERBWhat are you doing, Junie B.?

JUNIE B.I’ve got something in my shoe. It’s pressing against my piggy toe.

She digs around, then pulls out a wadded-up dollar. And another. And another.

HERBYou’ve got money in there?

JUNIE B.Hiding money in your shoe is a good way to keep it safe from pickpocket

people. I saw that on the Travel Channel.

MAY(holding her nose)

Yes, that is disgusting, Junie Jones. People should not play with theirown stinky feet. Right, Lucille? Right?

JUNIE B.Then whose stinky feet should we play with?

MAY(covering her ears)

I am not going to listen to you today. Today is Secret Santa Day, andI am not going to let you ruin my happy mood.

(she taps José’s head)Happy Secret Santa Day, José! I can’t wait for the party, can you?

I dressed all in red and green today. See?

(She stands up and displays her unusual outfit.)

JOSÉWhen my grandfather does that we make him go back and change.

MAYSee the ribbons on my braids? One is red and one is green. Just like

my socks. And see? My sweater is green and my dress is red.

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This is how everyone should dress on Secret Santa Day!

SHELDONSanta is a different religion than me. I’m Jewish.

MAYYou can still dress up. You could wear red and green Jewish clothes!

(she twirls, trying to mimic Lucille)Every time I think about our party it makes my skin prickle.

Want to see?(she closes her eyes, then shivers)

Woo! I felt it! I felt my skin prickle again!

(The other students stare at her.)

JUNIE B.You are acting like a nut. How come you are acting like a nut?

(May scowls, then quickly breaks into a beatific smile.)

MAYHa! See that, Junie Jones? See how fast I smiled? Even if you call me

names, you still can’t ruin my happy mood today.

(The bell rings. Mr. Scary enters.)

MR. SCARYAlright, class. It’s time to --

(The students spring from their desks and bolt for the door, forming a fastline. )

MR. SCARY...line up for the gift shop.

JUNIE B.Yay! Yay! I’m first in line, I’m first in line!

(Junie B. hops, twirls, and skips in little joyous circles.)

MR. SCARYJunie B., please settle down.

JUNIE B.(to audience)

I tried to please settle down, but my feet would not stop bouncing!That’s how come Mr. Scary finally gave up on me. And he held my

hand. And the two of us led Room One to the gift shop!I zoomed in the door as fast as I could and ran straight to Table Five.

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(Elf Ellen appears in a light; she holds the Squeeze-A-Burp and, duringthe following speech she places it in a shopping bag, hands it to Junie B.,

then exits.)

JUNIE B.But wait till you hear this. There was only one Squeeze-A-Burp left! Idid a gasp at that situation-- then I quick grabbed it, payed my money,

and hid it in my sweater. My very own Squeeze-A-Burp-- it was adream come true, I tell you!

Room OneThe students are back in Room One, delighting at the holiday decorationsand treats on their desks.

ALL STUDENTSParty, alright!/ Ooh, look-- cupcakes!/ Marshmallow snowmen! I love

those guys!/ It’s Secret Santa time!

MR. SCARYBoys and girls, all of the paper sacks we decorated and signed in class

are on this table. When I call your name, you will walk to the tableand I’ll help you find the right bag for your present, okay? Then you’llsecretly drop your Secret Santa gift inside and walk back to your desk.

You may write or draw in your journal until it’s your turn. Andremember ... no peeking!

HERBI already know who my Secret Santa is.

SHELDONNo you don’t! But it’s not me.

MR. SCARYLucille, why don’t you start.

(Lucille skips to the front of the room and does a twirl.)

LUCILLEIn case anyone missed seeing my expensive party dress today. Myrichie nana had it made just for me by a seamstress . Notice that the

bodice is crafted of the finest --

MR. SCARYJust put the gift in the bag, Lucille.

(Lucille skips over to the table with her giftshop bag. During this, Junie B.reaches inside her backpack, pulls out the baggie with the coal in it, anddrops it into her gift-shop bag. May suddenly turns around in her seat.)

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MAYWhat are you doing over there, Junie Jones?

JUNIE B.NOTHING. I’m not doing anything, May! I’m just sitting at my seat

being perfectly perfect. That’s it. End of story. Turn around.

MR. SCARYSheldon, you’re next.

(Sheldon rises with his gift-shop bag.)

SHELDONNo one look -- especially Herb.

(He goes to the table. May turns around in her seat again.)

MAYAre you getting excited, Junie Jones? I’m getting excited.

HERBI’m getting excited, too.

JOSÉMe too.

(May is downright giddy, squirming and bouncing in her seat.)

MAYHaving a Secret Santa makes you feel like you have a best friend, right

José?

JOSÉBut I do have a best friend, May. My best friend is Sheldon.

HERBAnd my best friend is Junie B.

JUNIE B.And my bestest friend is Y-O-U, Herbert!

LUCILLEAnd I have lots of best friends at my nana’s yacht club!

(May suddenly becomes very still.)

MAYOh. Right.

(pause)

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Well, anyway ... that’s what it makes me feel like. Having a SecretSanta makes me feel like I have a best friend, too.

(Silence. They all face front.)

HERB(quietly, to Junie B.)

Maybe May doesn’t click with anyone.

MR. SCARYMay. You’re up.

MAYMe! Me! It’s time for me!

(She grabs her gift-shop bag and runs to the Secret Santa table.)

JUNIE B.(to audience-- in her journal light)

Dear First-Grade Journal. I keep thinking about May’s present.I wonder what will happen when she sees the coal.

I wonder what her face will look like.I wonder if she will learn a lesson.

I wonder if Santa will be proud of me.(pause)

That is all the things I am wondering.Junie B. Jones, First Grader.

(May returns to her seat, joyfully skipping past Junie B.)

MR. SCARYJunie B.?

(A pause, then Junie B. picks up her gift shop bag and rises, ever soslowly. She peeks inside the bag, stares at the coal, and looks away. May

sings softly, blissfully happy.)

MAY“Frosty the Snowman, was a very happy soul

With a corncob pipe and a button noseAnd two eyes made out of COAL”

(Junie B. stops abruptly, stares at May, then slowly makes her way to thegift table. She stands before it, staring at the student’s sacks.)

MR. SCARYLooks like you could use some help.

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JUNIE B.No! No help. No, thank you, Mr. Scary. I can do this all by myself.

(She wipes her sweaty hand on her skirt. She picks out May’s over-decorated sack. She gulps.)

MR. SCARYJunie B.? Are you sure you don’t need any help?

JUNIE B.Yes.

(She shoo’s him away, then, her back to the audience, she grabs May’spresent out of the gift shop bag and drops it into May’s sack.)

There! It’s done.(softly)

The end.Music Cue #14

(Lights shift to a sickly hue. Weird ‘Frosty the Snowman’ music plays.Everyone slows down and gestures become distorted and eerie.

Junie B. tries to make her way back to her desk. A fierce, chill wind seems to prevent her. She trudges through the snowy

cold. The Abominable Snowman (Bumble?) moans in the distance.Finally, she makes it to the safety of her desk. She buries her head in her

arms. Lights restore to normal and happy holiday music plays.

(Mr. Scary, wearing a too-big Santa hat, passes out the Secret Santasacks.)

MR. SCARYOkay, everyone. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! When I

count to three, we’ll open our gifts all together.

(May jumps out of her seat and claps.)

MAYYou’ve got a deal, Mister S!

(She sits.)

MR. SCARYReady?

STUDENTS (EXCEPT JUNIE B.)Ready!

MR. SCARYOne ... two ... three ..!

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(The students dig their gifts out of their sacks and squeal with delight.)

SHELDONLook everyone! Look what I got!

HERBAwesome! This is cool!

LUCILLEWhat do you know. I don’t even have this!

JOSÉEsto es justo lo que queria! (trans: This is just what I wanted!)

(During the above, May has not moved. She stares into her sack, a look ofdisbelief frozen on her face.)

HERBWhat did you get, May?

SHELDONWhat’s wrong with her? Huh?

LUCILLEIs she sick?

STUDENTSWHAT’S WRONG WITH MAY?

MR. SCARYMay? Is there a problem?

(A tearful May wordlessly hands him her gift sack. Mr. Scary looksinside.)

Oh. Oh my.

(Mr. Scary solemnly hands the sack back to her.)

MAYI can’t believe anyone would do this.

SHELDONDo what?

(May reaches into her sack and pulls out her gift.)

LUCILLE

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The Squeeze-A-Burp! Someone got May the Squeeze-A-Burp!

JOSÉThat thing costs a fortune!

HERBSqueeze it!

STUDENTSSQUEEZE IT! SQUEEZE IT! SQUEEZE IT!

(May cautiously rises and gives the thing a good squeeze. It burpsmagnificently.)

STUDENTSDO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!

(She does. It burps. The students crack up – except for Junie B.)

STUDENTSYAY MAY!

MAY(overwhelmed)

I think I’m being popular.

(She skips around and around Junie B., and circles the class, displayingher expensive new toy.)

HERBShe’s acting like a regular kid. Who knew?

JUNIE B.Yeah. Who knew.

HERBWhat’s wrong, Junie B.?

JUNIE B.I really, really wanted that toy, Herb. I wanted it real bad.

HERBYeah. Hey, you haven’t even looked in your sack.

(Junie B. picks up her sack and glances inside.)

JUNIE B.Crayons! My Secret Santa bought me brand-new crayons! Who even

knew that I needed these things?

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STUDENTSEveryone.

JUNIE B.(Junie B. opens the box.)

And look, people! The greenie’s not a stubbie.And the red is perfectly pointy!(she breathes them in deeply)

And they still have that new-crayon smell!

(May skips over to Junie B.’s desk and plops down, fanning herself.)

MAYWhew! Being popular really gets you tired. Right, Junie Jones? Right?

JUNIE B.(quietly)

Right, May.

(May stands up, ready to roll.)

MAYI have a lot more burping to do before the bell rings.

(But instead of skipping away, May sets the Squeeze-A-Burp on JunieB.’s desktop.)

MAYWant to try it, Junie Jones?

JUNIE B.No kidding? You would really, really let me do a burp?

(Without waiting for a response, Junie B. picks up the toy and squeezes itfor all she’s worth. It makes the biggest burp you ever heard. The whole

class cheers. May claps and claps. Junie B. is uncharacteristicallyhumbled.)

JUNIE B.Wowie wow wow.

STUDENTSJUNIE B.! JUNIE B.! JUNIE B.!

(Mr. Scary stands next to Junie B., patiently holding out a small wastebasket.)

MR. SCARYTrash..?

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(He winks at her and nods. A pause, then Junie B. covertly drops her coalbaggie in the can.)

JUNIE B.(to audience)

How do teachers know this stuff?!

MAYYou can burp it again, if you want.

(Junie squeezes the toy. It erupts with the perfect burp.)

MAYHa! That was a good one, Junie B.! You did good !

JUNIE B.(quietly, smiling)I did. I did good.

(May picks up her toy and starts to skip away.)

JUNIE B.WHOA! HOLD THE PHONE - !

Did you just say my “B”? ‘Cause I really, really thought you said my“B” just now. I’m almost positive you did, in fact.

MAYReally? I said your “B”? Huh. That’s funny.

(May slyly smiles at Junie B. and skips away.)

Music Cue # repeat of cue #11JUNIE B.

(to audience)After that, May sat next to me and we licked our candy canes. It wasvery peaceful of us. We were having goodwill, I believe. Only I don’teven know why. ‘Cause I still really wanted that Squeeze-A-Burp, I

tell you! And so how come I felt so good inside?Maybe Philip Johnny Bob will help me figure it out.

But for right now, there’s only one thing I was really, really hoping for.(in her journal light)

Dear Santa. I really hope that you were watching me just now. That’sall I hope. Love, Junie B. -- Giver.

(she walks out of her light, then jumps back in)P.S. You don’t happen to have an extra Squeeze-A-Burp up there,

do you ..?Peace and Goodwill. Amen.

(Lights blink out.)

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END OF PLAY

Curtain call with a really rockin’ rendition of Jingle Bells -- brings out thecast on with puppets and singing. It should be a joyous holiday party that

makes everyone in the audience feel they’ve been invited to celebrate.

MOVIE ROLL INS

Movie 1(Slightly threatening music plays as lights briefly reveal two “bad” chairs in the principal’s office.)

Movie 2 - black-&-white like a silent movie - music - sound effect - cheering are heardLights shift and we are in June B.’s mind– where all the other students have pooled their money to buy her agift. She is presented with a very huge box. She opens it to reveal: a very huge Squeeze-a-Burp. Everyone isthrilled for Junie B. Mr. Scary congratulates her and gives her a star. Lucille claps her hands and does a happy dance. Herbgives Junie B. a high-five and José takes a picture of them standing next to the new toy. Sheldon pokes theSqueeze-a-Burp and giggles. Only May dissents, lurking around the thing with disapproval.)

STUDENTS(a chant)Squeeze it, squeeze it, squeeze it!

(With great fan fare, Junie B. gives the thing a great squeeze. It emits an enormous burp, and blows Mayoffstage. The students-- and Mr. Scary, cheer.)

Movie 3(Lights shift to a sickly hue. Weird ‘Frosty the Snowman’ music plays. Everyone slows down and gesturesbecome distorted and eerie.Junie B. tries to make her way back to her desk. A fierce, chill wind seems to prevent her. She trudges through the snowy cold. The Abominable Snowmanmoans in the distance.Finally, she makes it to the safety of her desk. She buries her head in her arms. Lights restore to normal andhappy holiday music plays.