JULY 15, 2011 ISSUE #9

For AdverTISING:NE Kansas Edition

[email protected]

What’s For Supper?

This guy was watching TV as hiswife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finallyworked up the energy to go out andask his wife what was for supper.Well, his missus was quite irritatedabout him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work,so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking meabout supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, goinside and figure dinner out yourself."So he went back in the house and fixed himself a bigsteak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of icedtea.The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something toeat? So where is mine?""Huh? I thought you were out of town."

NOrthEaStErN KaNSaS EdItION - SErvING rILEy, GEary aNd CLay COUNtIES

“t“thEhE hhOttEStOttESt LLIttLEIttLE PPaPEraPEr IINN ttOwNOwN!”!”

Distributed by: Orange Peel GazettePO BOx 262, Clay Center, KS 67432

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July 15, 2011 volume 1, Issue 9

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Nine Words Women Use (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an ar-

gument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this

means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutesif you have just been given five more minutes to watchthe game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. Thismeans something, and you should be on your toes. Ar-guments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission...Don't Do It!

(5) loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is anon-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. Aloud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and won-ders why she is wasting her time standing here and ar-guing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 forthe meaning of nothing.)

(6) that's Okay: This is one of the most dangerousstatements a women can make to a man. That's okaymeans she wants to think long and hard before decid-ing how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not ques-tion, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to addin a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks alot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking youat all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bringon a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying FOR-GET YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another danger-ous statement, meaning this is something that a womanhas told a man to do several times, but is now doing itherself. This will later result in a man asking 'What'swrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Doctors vs lawyers The doctors may have won the annual softball game

between themselves and their lawyer opponents, butthey lost the public relations war. Here's how thelawyers reported the game: "The lawyers poweredtheir way to a second place finish, while the doctorsmanaged to finish next to last."

Never represent Yourself A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store.

He didn't like the job his attorney was doing, so hefired him and represented himself. He was doing a finejob until the manager of the store got to the stand.When she identified him as the robber, he jumped upand yelled, "You're lying! I should have shot you!!!"

He paused, wide-eyed, then added, "Uh, if I hadbeen the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find himguilty.

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Man rulesFinally , the guys' side of the story.We always hear " the rules" from the female side....Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers.( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving itdown.1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changingof the tides.Let it be.1.. Crying is blackmail.1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.1. Come to us with a problem only if you want helpsolving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in anargument.In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7Days.1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.1. If something we said can be interpreted two waysand one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meantthe other one1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

Angry Senator A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper

and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session andbegins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up ofcowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other Senatorsplead to the angry member that he withdraw his state-ment, or be removed from the remainder of the session.After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Now I willgo on the record and state that half of this Senate isNOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

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More Man rules...1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have tosay, during commercials. .1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions andneither do we.1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows defaultsettings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin isalso a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," Wewill act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anythingyou wear is fine... Really .1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless youare prepared to discuss such topics as Football orHockey.1. You have enough clothes.1. You have too many shoes.1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's likecamping.

Secret Party The workers in a large office were making secret

plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year oldcleaning woman who had spent the better part of herlife with the company. Somehow the secret leaked outand the woman got wind of it.

Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager."Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do notlet them do it!" -"Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you mustnot be so modest. After all, they simply want to showhow much you are appreciated."

"Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "Iam not going to clean up after a mess like that!"


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ContemptA New York man was forced to take a day off fromwork to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grewincreasingly restless as he waited hour after endlesshour for his case to be heard.When his name was called late in the afternoon, hestood before the judge, only to hear that court wouldbe adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day."What for?" he snapped at the judge.His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharpquery roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court.That's why!"Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judgerelented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I haveenough for two more words."

life InsuranceOne day, an American insurance company received aletter from a lady saying that unfortunately they haveto cancel her husband's life insurance policy.

'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since mydear husband's sudden death last year we have hadsome financial hardship; therefore, we would like notto pay it anymore'.

CollectionsAnn had gotten a job in a collections department. Shehad to call all the delinquent customers, asking forpayment, while still being courteous. After workingthere for a few months, she had become quite good ather job but realized that many of these customers wereroutinely delinquent. One man in particular had to becalled every month and during this conversation withhim, he interrupted her little speech and asked, “Excuse me, are you available?”

Ann quickly replied, “Not as long as your name comesup on my computer screen."

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top ten things You Wouldn't Know With-out Movies

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyoneyou bump into will know all the steps.Most laptop computers are powerful enough to overridethe communication systems of any invading alien civilization.It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in afight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around ina threatening manner until you have knocked out theirpredecessors.No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go intoshock.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speakEnglish to each other.You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clipin seconds, unless it's the door to a burning buildingwith a child trapped inside.Television news bulletins usually contain a story thataffects you personally at that precise moment you turnthe television on.

Missing husbandA lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.The police arrive and ask for a description. She tellsthem he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and hasa smile that makes everybody love him. The police thengo to the next door neighbor to verify this report andthe lady next door tells the police, "You can't believeher. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears aperpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goesand asks the lady why she gave the police such a falsereport. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

the BribeA young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessmanin a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidencewas against his client, and he feared the worst. So thelawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if itwould be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havanacigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an hon-orable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, Ican guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer'sclient. The partner took him to lunch to congratulatehim. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars tothe judge?", the partner asked. "But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just en-closed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

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Military Appreciation NightSAT- 1/2 Price Tickets

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Army Nurse training During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we

were required to spend one week in the field roughingit. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in ourswampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from ourhelmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, andtrudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obvi-ously, our personal appearance frequently left much tobe desired.

The final blow to our feminine pride occurred whilewe waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. Ayoung private came by with a camera and asked to takeour picture. "It will prove to my girlfriend," he said,"that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

Wise Words from Will rogers..."Never squat while wearing your spurs"

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, wasone of the greatest political sages this country has everknown. Enjoy the following: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.

Neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it

and put it back into your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by

reading. The few who learn by observation. The restof them have to touch the electric fence and find outfor themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of

that comes from bad judgment.10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back

every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n

puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so

good he started roaring. He kept it up until a huntercame along and shot him. The moral: Sometimes it’sbest to keep your mouth shut.

Directory Assistance "I'd like the telephone number of the Theater Guild." "One moment, please. I'm sorry, sir. I have no listing

for a Theodore Guild." "No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's

Theater Guild." "I told you, sir, I have no listing for a Theodore

Guild." "Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater! T-H-

E-A-T-E-R!" "That, sir, is not the way Theodore is spelled."


IncREasE salEs - CAll thE OrANGE PEEl GAzEttE - 785-307-0450“thE hOttESt lIttlE PAPEr IN tOWN” PAGE 7

WEDNESDAY, JULY 207-9am Enter Swine/Enter Poultry9-11am Enter all other Livestock8-10am Enter Open Class Foods, Cath. Parish Center, 714 Court St.8:30am 4-H Entomology, Geology, & Forestry Judging, Floral Hall9am 4-H Electricity Judging, Floral hall9am Open Class Clothing & Textiles Judging, Exhibit Hall9am Woodworking Judging, Floral Hall9-11am Enter 4-H & Open Class Flori., Hort. & Crops, Floral Hall9:30am 4-H Scrapbook Judging, Exhibit Hall10:30am 4-H Miscellaneous Judging, Exhibit Hall9:30am Open Class Ceramics, Crafts & Paintings Judging, Floral Hall10am Open Class Foods judging begins at Catholic Parish Center11am 4-H & Homemaker Extension Unit Booths & Banners Judging11am 4-H Floriculture Judging, Floral Hall11am-1:30pm Open Class Bake Sale, Exhibit Hall12 noon Open Class Floriculture Judging, Floral Hall12 noon 4-H Horticulture & Crops Judging, Floral Hall12:30pm 4-H Foods Judging (except decorated cakes),714 Court St.1pm Open Class Horticulture & Crops Judging, Floral Hall1pm Open Class Photography Judging, Floral Hall1:30-5:30pm 4-H Bake Sale, Exhibit Hall6 pm Swine Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena7pm Chamber of Comm. & Clay Co. Farm Bureau FREE watermelon

8pm rodeo, horse ArenaAdmission: Advance: Adult-$7 K-8-$3 • Gate: Adult-$8 K-8-$4

THURSDAY, JULY 219am. 4-H/FFA Horse Show, Orrin Hogan Arena & Rodeo Arena4pm Meat Goat Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena5-7pm lions Club Barbecue7-8:30pm Free Snow Cones courtesy of Citizens National Bank6pm Sheep Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena8pm rodeo, horse ArenaAdmission: Advance: Adult-$7 K-8-$3 • Gate: Adult-$8 K-8-$46-10 pm Carnival Attractions by Great Plains Amusements

FRIDAY, JULY 229am Decorated Cake Judging, Extension Office9amRabbit Judging, Rabbit & Poultry Barn11am Poultry Judging, Rabbit & Poultry Barn1pm Dairy Cattle Judging followed by Dairy Goat Judging,Orrin Hogan Arena4pmBucket Calf Interviews, Orrin Hogan Arena5pm Bucket Calf Showmanship, Orrin Hogan Arena2pm Project Auction entry deadline. All 4-H projects, including live-stock,except beef, must consign project auction exhibit to Fair Office6pm Beef Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena8pm Demolition Derby, Grandstand • Adult-$8 K-8-$410pm 4-H Beef project auction entry deadline due to Fair Office6-10 p.m. Carnival Attractions by Great Plains Amusements

SATURDAY, JULY 239am Round Robin Showmanship, Livestock Arena10am 4-H/FFA Livestock Judging Contest, Orrin Hogan Arena4:30pm 4-H Awards Presentation, Orrin Hogan Arena5pm 4-H Kiss the Pig Contest Results, Orrin Hogan Arena5:30pm Decorated Cake & Project Auction, Orrin Hogan Arena6pm 4-H & FFA Livestock Auction, Orrin Hogan Arena7:30pm 3/4 Midget Cars & Mini trucks racesAdmission: Adult - $8 K-8 - $46-10pm Carnival Attractions by Great Plains Amusements

SUNDAY, JULY 249am Cowboy Church, Fairgrounds1pm Kiddy Tractor Pull Participant Check-in, Orrin Hogan Arena1:30pm Kiddy Tractor Pull, FREE, Orrin Hogan Arena3pm The Polka Dot Cafe - Thad Beach, Orrin Hogan Arena4-4:30pm All Exhibits Released

MONDAY, JULY 255:30- p.m. Fairgrounds Clean-Up

2011

July 20-24Schedule of Events

WEDNESDAY, JULY 207-9 a.m. Enter Swine7-9 a.m. Enter Poultry9-11 a.m. Enter all other Livestock8-10 a.m. Enter Open Class Foods, Catholic Parish Center, 714 Court Street8:30 a.m. 4-H Entomology, Geology, & Forestry Judging, Floral Hall9 a.m. 4-H Electricity Judging, Floral hall9 a.m. Open Class Clothing & Textiles Judging, Exhibit Hall9 a.m. Woodworking Judging, Floral Hall9-11 a.m. Enter 4-H & Open Class Floriculture, Horticulture & Crops, Floral Hall9:30 a.m. 4-H Scrapbook Judging, Exhibit Hall10:30 a.m. 4-H Miscellaneous Judging, Exhibit Hall9:30 a.m. Open Class Ceramics, Crafts & Paintings Judging, Floral Hall10 a.m. Open Class Foods judging begins at Catholic Parish Center11 a.m. 4-H & Homemaker Extension Unit Booths & Banners Judging11 a.m. 4-H Floriculture Judging, Floral Hall11 a.m.-1:30 p.m. Open Class Bake Sale, Exhibit Hall12 noon Open Class Floriculture Judging, Floral Hall12 noon 4-H Horticulture & Crops Judging, Floral Hall12:30 p.m. 4-H Foods Judging (except decorated cakes),

Catholic Parish Center, 714 Court St.1 p.m. Open Class Horticulture & Crops Judging, Floral Hall1 p.m. Open Class Photography Judging, Floral Hall1:30 -5:30 p.m. 4-H Bake Sale, Exhibit Hall6 p.m. Swine Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena7 p.m. Chamber of Comm. & Clay Co. Farm Bureau FREE watermelon feed8 p.m. Rodeo, Horse Arena

Admission: Advance: Adult-$7 K-8-$3 • Gate: Adult-$8 K-8-$4THURSDAY, JULY 21

9 a.m. 4-H/FFA Horse Show, Orrin Hogan Arena & Rodeo Arena4 p.m. Meat Goat Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena5-7 p.m. Lions Club Barbecue7-8:30 p.m. Free Snow Cones courtesy of Citizens National Bank6 p.m. Sheep Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena8 p.m. Rodeo, Horse Arena

Admission: Advance: Adult-$7 K-8-$3 • Gate: Adult-$8 K-8-$46-10 p.m. Carnival Attractions by Great Plains Amusements

FRIDAY, JULY 229 a.m. Decorated Cake Judging, Extension Office9 a.m. Rabbit Judging, Rabbit & Poultry Barn11 a.m. Poultry Judging, Rabbit & Poultry Barn1 p.m. Dairy Cattle Judging followed by Dairy Goat Judging,

Orrin Hogan Arena4 p.m. Bucket Calf Interviews, Orrin Hogan Arena5 p.m. Bucket Calf Showmanship, Orrin Hogan Arena2 p.m. Project Auction entry deadline. All 4-H projects, including livestock,

except beef, must consign project auction exhibit to Fair Office6 p.m. Beef Judging, Orrin Hogan Arena8 p.m. Demolition Derby, Grandstand • Adult-$8 K-8-$410 p.m. 4-H Beef project auction entry deadline due to Fair Office6-10 p.m. Carnival Attractions by Great Plains Amusements

SATURDAY, JULY 239 a.m. Round Robin Showmanship, Livestock Arena10 a.m. 4-H/FFA Livestock Judging Contest, Orrin Hogan Arena4:30 p.m. 4-H Awards Presentation, Orrin Hogan Arena5 p.m. 4-H Kiss the Pig Contest Results, Orrin Hogan Arena5:30 p.m. Decorated Cake & Project Auction, Orrin Hogan Arena6 p.m. 4-H & FFA Livestock Auction, Orrin Hogan Arena7:30 p.m. 3/4 Midget Cars & Mini Trucks Races

Admission: Adult - $8 K-8 - $46-10 p.m. Carnival Attractions by Great Plains Amusements

SUNDAY, JULY 249 a.m. Cowboy Church, Fairgrounds1 p.m. Kiddy Tractor Pull Participant Check-in, Orrin Hogan Arena1:30 p.m. Kiddy Tractor Pull, FREE, Orrin Hogan Arena3 p.m. The Polka Dot Cafe - Thad Beach, Orrin Hogan Arena4-4:30 p.m. All Exhibits Released

MONDAY, JULY 255:30- p.m. Fairgrounds Clean-Up

2011

JULY 20-24SCheDule Of evenTS

Cable GuyIn my husband's work for a cable-television company,he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs forother customers. One day he arrived at a repair job justas the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. Shepointed the way to the den, where the TV was located,and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the TV, he saw a notetaped to the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide thedescramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."

What is generation Y?- People born before 1946 were called The Silent gen-eration.- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946and 1959.- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and2011Why do we call the last group Generation Y?Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquentlybelow...

And I always thought it was because they say...Y should I get a job?Y should I leave home and find my own place?Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?Y should I clean my room?Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?Y should I buy any food?

find us on facebook!

www.facebook.com/oPgKansasCall 785-560-3057 or www.opgkansas.com

Go to - www.facebook.com/oPGkansas

LIKE uS! (not just because we’re funny)

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thank you!I want to thank all of our great advertisers, readers andfriends of the Orange Peel Gazette for all their continuedsupport during our first 4 months of bringing smiles toriley, Geary and Clay counties! the OPG will continueto work hard to connect the local community to all of itsgreat businesses. look for more great jokes, stories and trivia-and some new surprises as we continue to increase our pages to bring you more content. look atPG 9 for the new Sudoku Challenge for a chance to win$ and if anyone has any suggestions for content theywould like to see in the OPG please send them to us!

-Michael StoddardOwner/Publisher

IncREasE salEs - CAll thE OrANGE PEEl GAzEttE - 785-307-0450“thE hOttESt lIttlE PAPEr IN tOWN”

Speeding ticket A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for

going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handedher a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and downthe road. They all say, Speed Limit 55."

Albert Einstein Albert Einstein, widely regarded as one of the most

influential and best known scientists of all time, wasonce traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets ofevery passenger. When he came to Einstein, the famousphysicist reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't findhis ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn'tthere, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it.Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn'tfind it.

The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who youare. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought aticket. Don't worry about it."

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor thencontinued down the aisle punching tickets. As he wasready to move to the next car, he turned around and sawthe great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein,don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. Youdon't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I tooknow who I am. What I don't know is where I'mgoing."

Dog I.Q. A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you

how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: When you spend $39.95 to see this video, it proves

your dog is smarter than you.

Domestically Challenged Although a bright and able man, my husband is

almost completely helpless when faced with even thesimplest domestic chore.

One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him thatour friend, Betty, had taught her husband Frank tocook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything everhappened to Betty, Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"

After considering that possibility for a moment, myhusband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank."


PAGE 9

For Sale!



Joy Francis - Broker

785-762-1702

WHITE CITY3 bedroom, 1 bath country home

located on 21 acres. Lots of original

woodwork and hard wood floors.

MILFORDSpacious home in a country

neighborhood. 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath all on one lovely acre.

$179,900.

CLAY CENTERPerfect for entertaining. 4 bedroom, 4 bath home with 2 woodburning fireplace and beautiful pool area.

Must see.

$235,000.

$169,900

Great Houses For Sale Near you!

Complete the sudoku grid above and tExt the 3 numbers that appear in the grey boxes (from top to bottom)

along with your name and address to 785-307-0450winner announced next issue!(normal text rates apply) winner will be chosen from all correct entries

Sudoku comPeTITIoN!

Win $10

Fly Problem A doctor received an emergency call from a patient.

She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old homeremedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and liedown for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift yourhead the fly should emerge with the liquid."

The patient thought that sounded like a good idea,but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour theoil?"

Golf Balls Two men were playing golf together for the very

first time. The first player teed off and hit the ball intoa clump of trees. He finally got onto the fairway, onlyto hit the ball into a water hazard. The next shot resulted in a new ball flying over a fence onto a busystreet.

The second player said, "Maybe you should use anold ball for this shot."

The first player replied, "I don't have any old golfballs."

head Check One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after

her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playgroundslide and hit his head.

Worried that he might have a concussion, shechecked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shakehim and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he beganmoaning in protest each time she entered the room.

When she went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, shesaw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead.

It read: "My name is Daniel."

hearing Aid My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told

us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him.His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day whenthe device started to beep.

Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him andsaid, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"


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And So much more!-CHECK OUT OUR UPDATED WEBSITE!

visit us on the Web @ www.morningstarca.com

opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!

Who Wants To Be A zillionaire?

$447,000 Question...What percentage of a jellyfish is water?A) 100% B) 95% C) 90% D) 75%

$448,000 Question...Jellyfish manage to swim with this?A) jet propulsion B) tentaclesC) Fins D) motors

$449,000 Question...The most dangerous jellyfish is the box jelly - whichcountry does it come from?A) America B) AustraliaC) Africa D) India

$450,000 Question...Which part of the jellyfish stings?A) Body B) TentaclesC) Head D) Eyes

$451,000 Question...What is the umbrella-like form of the Jellyfishcalled?A) bell B) medusaC) umbrella D) tentaclus

$452,000 Question...How large is the largest known Jellyfish (includingtentacles)?A) 15 feet B) 25 feetC) 50 feet D) 100 feet

$453,000 Question...Jellyfish feed on?A) zooplankton B) algaeC) polyps D) sea anemones

$454,000 Question...How many different species of Jellyfish are there?A) 100 B) 200C) 1000 D) 2000

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $447 - B $448 - A; $449 - B; $450 - B; $451 - B; $452 - D; $453 - A; $454 - B.

THE

JELLYFISH QUIz


Need A cLASSIFIed Ad?5 LINES FOR $5!

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SeLLING SomeThING?5 lines for $5 - Extra line $1

your listing runs for 2 weeks!

What Men really Mean"It's a guy thing."

Really means...."There is no rational thought patternconnected with it, and you have no chance at all of

making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned

response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse todrive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuumcleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, andbeautiful women." "You know how bad my memory is." "Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'FTroop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and theVehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've everowned, but I forgot your birthday." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, butwill bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of somepretty soon."

"I can't find it."

Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my out-stretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?"

Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you

just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake itwell enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days

yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me,

and realize it could be worse."

O.P.G. CLASSIFIEDSCall 785-307-0450 to be listed!

5 Lines Only $5.00 for 1 i s s u e ! ( E a c h A d d i t i o n a l L i n e $ 1 )

FOR SALE

PUPPIES

HOMES FOR SALE HOMES FOR SALE

Wakefield-$129,900*Turn Key Home*

3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathremodeled home. screened

in porch, privacy fence.785-762-1702

Wakefield-$176,900*New Construction*3 bedroom, 2 bath, view out basement,

3 car garage.785-762-1702

Wakefield-$182,000*Quiet Neighborhood*

newer 3 bedroom, 2 bath, fireplace, full unfinished

basement w/2 car garage.785-762-1702

Wakefield-$138,000*investor wanted*

4 Unit-2 Bedroom, 1 bath-room Apartments.

fully rented

785-762-1702

clay center-$60,000*Priced to Sell*

2 bedroom, 1 bath,1 Car garage &full basement.785-762-1702

hAve A BuSINeSS orServIce?

run it in the OPg Classifieds- three counties for $5!

call 785-307-0450

Junction city-$125,900

*Priced To Sell3 bedroom, 2.5 bath duplex.fireplace, and 2 car garage.

785-762-1702

Junction city-$125,900*Priced To Sell*

2 bedroom, 2.5 bath duplex.fireplace, family room

and 2 car garage.785-762-1702

d & d kennelCheck out our puppies thatare available now & ones

coming soon!www.dndpuppies.com

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LoG SPLITTer (20 ton) horizontal/Vertical, built-inlog cradle, 5 hp Briggs &

stratton motor, reg. service& always stored indoors

$750.00 firm 785-461-5885

today's Quickie

Two clowns eating soup one looks over to the otherand says-’Does this taste funny to you?’

Manhattan, Kansas785.320.7633 - [email protected]

Retail design, yard signs, banners, vehicle graphics, wraps and much more.

IncREasE salEs - CAll thE OrANGE PEEl GAzEttE - 785-307-0450“thE hOttESt lIttlE PAPEr IN tOWN” PAGE 11

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Good For ONE FREE Game of Bowling per person per day. Not Valid on

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get the most out of your advertising dollarsONE ad+thrEE COUNtIES=SUCCESS

call 785-307-0450www.opgkansas.com & www.facebook.com/opgkansas

these are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOt to put on a resume.

-- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."-- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."-- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."-- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computerscience, curses in accounting."-- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."-- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not ahorse."-- "I am a rabid typist."-- "Exposure to German for two years, but many wordsare not appropriate for business."-- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."-- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."-- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."-- "Don't take the comments of my former employer tooseriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slavedrivers."-- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."-- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel freeto respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."-- "Qualifications: No education or experience."-- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

14 reasons to Allow Drinking At Work1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with ahangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not whatmanagement wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad jobyou don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rathercome to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when theyhave had a couple of drinks. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.

Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and jokes appearinghere are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect orharm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be consideredas an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services of-

fered.) In short-just relax and have fun!

find us on facebook!

www.facebook.com/oPgKansasCall 785-560-3057 or www.opgkansas.com

Go to - www.facebook.com/oPGkansas

LIKE uS! (not just because we’re funny)

coupons, discounts and updates from our advertisers will be posted dAILy!


JULY 15, 2011 ISSUE #9

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Transcript of JULY 15, 2011 ISSUE #9