Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am

Week 1: Balance- What is the state of your marriage? Signs of a healthy marriage- Working towards a future together

Week 2: Aerobics- Doing the hard work of fighting… and staying married

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Week 4: Stretching- Growing (up) together- God in the middle of me- God in the middle of my marriage

Week 5: Review- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am


I. Fighting:How do you handle conflict?


I. Why Do We Fight?

The Only Way to Intimacy is Through Conflict


POINT: We ain’t fightin’

about what we’re fightin’

about

I. Why Do We Fight?


The Bible & Anger• Anger is not sin (the nature of emotions)• Jesus got angry• Anger can turn to sin (James 1:20, 1 Corinthians 10:31, Ephesians 4:26-27)

•The nature of feelings


II. Fighting: Types of Responses… Which One Are You?

1. The Competitive Spouse or Partner 2. The Conflict Avoiding Partner 3. The Accommodator in Marriage 4. The Compromiser as a Partner 5. The Marriage Collaborator


Do you want to hurt, injure or put down your partner?Do you want to win over this person?Do you want to establish who is right & who is wrong?Do you want to make this person feel guilty?Do you want to unload bad feelings from the past on this person?

What Matters the Most to You in a Conflict?III. Fighting: Working It Out Better


Yield

WinWithdraw

Compromise

Resolve

(High concern for relationship)

(Low concern for relationship)

What Matters the Most to You in a Conflict?

III. Fighting: Working It Out Better


“Seek first to understand, then to be understood”

What Do You Think of this Statement?III. Fighting: Working It Out Better


Signs of Predicting Divorce (or, Do’s & Don’ts”)• First Sign: The Harsh Startup (Proverbs 15:1) • Second Sign: "The Four Horsemen“

Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling

• Third Sign: Flooding • Fourth Sign: Body Language• Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts• Sixth Sign: Bad Memories

Point: How you fight determines your success in marriage

IV. Playing By The Rules


Fighting Rules1. No Yelling, Intimidating Behaviors or

Name-Calling2. Take a Time-Out When Things Get

Heated3. Talk About One Issue at a Time4. Be Accountable5. Fight Fair

IV. Playing By The Rules


The Bible & Communication- Eph.41: Be Honest & Speak15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

2: Stay Current26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

V. Relating Better and Fighting Less


The Bible & Communication- Eph.43: Attack the Problem, Not the Person29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

4: Act, Not React31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.



• CALM DOWN• SPEAK NON-

DEFENSIVELY• VALIDATION • OVERLEARNING

Fighting Better Means Creating Effective Communication Patterns



Recognize anger & process with partner

• What are some of the “hot buttons” for you?

• What are some issues that start a fight for you? A small one? A big one?

• What are some unacceptable ways you express anger?


Recognize anger & process with partner

• How can you express anger appropriately?

• How can the non-angry partner help the other re-establish contact?

• Can you make your own rules around anger management?

Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am

Documents

Transcript of Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am