Change is P ssible Jeffrey M. Brandler, EdS CAS SAP Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Certified Addictions Specialist Substance Abuse Professional 42oBoulevard, Suite 208 Mountain Lakes, NJ 07046 (973)402-2647 jettbn ail.com w w w.change ispossible .org

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From Loving the Self Absorbed by Dr. Nina Brown. 1. Constantly looks to you to meet their needs. 2. Expects you to know what he/she expects, desires, and needs without having to ask for it. 3. Gets upset when you are perceived to be critical or blaming. 4. Expects you to put his/her needs before your own. 5. Seeks attention in indirect ways. 6. Expects you to openly admire him/her. 7. Acts childish, e.g., sulks or pouts. 8. Accuses you of being insensitive or uncaring without cause or notice. 9. Finds fault with your friends. 10. Becomes angry when challenged or confronted. 11. Does not seem to recognize your feelings. 12. Uses your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount you. 13. Is controlling. 14. Lies, distorts, and misleads. 15. Is competitive and uses any means to get what is wanted. 16. Has a superior attitude. 17. Is contemptuous of you and others. 18. Is arrogant. 19. Is envious of others. 20. Demeans and devalues you. 21. Is self-centered and self absorbed. 22. Has to be the center of attention. 23. Manipulates others to win attention. 24. Is impulsive and reckless. 25. Boasts and brags. 26. Is insensitive to your needs. 27. Makes fun of others' mistakes or faults. 28. Engages in seductive behavior. 29. Is vengeful. 30. Expects favors, but does not return them.

BPD QUIZ My relationships are very intense, unstable, and alternate between the extremes of over idealizing and undervaluing people who are important to me. X X

True False

My emotions change very quickly, and I experience intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks. X X

True False

My level of anger is often inappropriate, intense, and difficult to control. X X

True False

Now, or in the past, when upset, I have engaged in recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self-injurious behavior such as cutting, burning, or hitting myself ^ True ^ False

I have a significant and persistently unstable image or sense of myself, or of who I am or what I truly believe in. X|T rue X False

I have very suspicious ideas, and am even paranoid (falsely believe that others are plotting to cause me harm) at times; or I experience episodes under stress when I feel that I, other people, or the situation is somewhat unreal. X X

True False

I engage in two or more self-damaging acts such as excessive spending, unsafe and inappropriate sexual conduct, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. X X

True False

I engage in frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment by people who are close to me. X X

True False

I suffer from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom. X True

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The Laundry List - 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic 1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. 2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. 3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. 4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality

such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. 5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our

love and friendship relationships. 6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned

with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others. 8. We became addicted to excitement. 9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue." 10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to

feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial). 11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. 12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to

hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

The Other Laundry List 1. To cover our fear of people and our dread of isolation we tragically become the very

authority figures who frighten others and cause them to withdraw. 2. To avoid becoming enmeshed and entangled with other people and losing ourselves in

the process, we become rigidly self-sufficient. We disdain the approval of others. 3. We frighten people with our anger and threat of belittling criticism. 4. We dominate others and abandon them before they can abandon us or we avoid

relationships with dependent people altogether. To avoid being hurt, we isolate and dissociate and thereby abandon ourselves.

5. We live life from the standpoint of a victimizer, and are attracted to people we can manipulate and control in our important relationships.

6. We are irresponsible and self-centered. Our inflated sense of self-worth and self-importance prevents us from seeing our deficiencies and shortcomings.

7. We make others feel guilty when they attempt to assert themselves. 8. We inhibit our fear by staying deadened and numb. 9. We hate people who "play" the victim and beg to be rescued. 10. We deny that we've been hurt and are suppressing our emotions by the dramatic

expression of "pseudo" feelings. 11. To protect ourselves from self-punishment for failing to "save" the family we project our

self-hate onto others and punish them instead. 12. We "manage" the massive amount of deprivation we feel, coming from abandonment

within the home, by quickly letting go of relationships that threaten our "independence" (not too close).

13. We refuse to admit we've been affected by family dysfunction or that there was dysfunction in the home or that we have internalized any of the family's destructive attitudes and behaviors.

14. We act as if we are nothing like the dependent people who raised us.