Re: Jewish Community Watch

Eli Nash, 7/23/2014

elinash@gmail.com

To escape criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Over the last several months, since Ive become more vocal about being sexually abused as an 8-year old

child, I have had numerous conversations about Jewish Community Watch (JCW). More often than not,

the first concern brought up is how the Wall of Shame can damage someones reputation irreversibly

so. Even before any mention of the fact that there is an organizations whose mission statement is to

help victims of sexual abuse, the conversation moves to the Wall of Shame and the inherent risk in an

organization having that power.

Why is this so? Why do we first concern ourselves with the abusers reputation versus the child who

was or can be sexually abused? I ask this question with curiosity not judgment as I myself was in this

camp prior to getting to know Meyer Seewald a man of exceptional character, passion and

determination. I too questioned JCWs motives and wondered if the perpetrators were being punished

in an unjust manner.

There are and will always be critics and Ive no intention of responding to baseless criticism. The letter

to follow is addressed and intended for well-meaning individuals whose moral compass seeks out truth

and virtuosity. Those who genuinely want to know right from wrong and on which side of the fence

JCW resides. Are they an organization to be supported and encouraged or one that is guilty of some of

the harsh criticism that has been bestowed upon them?

JCW has helped me tremendously. I am vocal about that and intend to continue to be. However, should

this fact blind me to all honesty and objectivity? Are they now beyond reproach? Can the organization

adopt any strategy and expect my unflinching support?

Before I go further, I want to state that I firmly believe that anyone who places blanket criticism on JCW

(and are the type of individual this letter is addressed to) does not understand the repercussions of

sexual abuse and are not familiar with JCW and how they operate. Even more so, I would contend that

anyone with these two pieces of information will realize the immense importance of JCW and

wholeheartedly support it. There is a world of difference between feedback meant to improve and

criticism meant to destroy and I speak only of the latter.

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How then did I arrive at this conclusion? What changed after I got to know the organization?

The answer to this lies in looking at how the majority of us instinctively respond to JCW. Why is it that

a moral compass which is less in tune gravitates towards protecting the abuser in much the same way

unsuspecting hearts and minds are pulled towards the civilians in Gaza? Why are we so hesitant and

timid around anyone who takes action to defend themselves, their families, their communities and their

countries? Why do we put the onus on the IDF to answer for the civilian casualties that are so obviously

victims of Hamas terrorism and their dangerous PR wars? Why do we put the responsibility of

destroying a familys reputation on JCW when it is so obviously a consequence of the child abusers

actions? What is it about standing up to wrongdoing that frightens us, silences us and shames us?

(While I realize that the majority of those reading this do not feel this way in regards to the Israeli-Gaza

conflict, I think it is fair to say that the instinctive response of someone who does not have a dog in the

fight is to feel compassion for the civilians in Gaza at the expense of Israel. It seems like it takes just a

little more research, just a little more analysis to arrive at the conclusion that Israel has a moral duty to

defend themselves and their civilians.)

As someone who was sexually abused over a several year period, I can say that one of most severe

byproducts of the abuse was an inability to express my opinion, desires, and needs. There were times

where I so desperately wanted to stand up and speak out, yet my voice would not comply. It seemed

the only time I did muster the strength to speak up was when I flew into a rage. I was unable to assert

myself appropriately; I vacillated between overly passive and overly aggressive; the middle ground eluded

me.

I vividly recall the day I made the decision to speak to a therapist. I had been burned once again for a

significant sum of money. Thinking back to the initial conversation when the request for an investment

was made, to test the waters, I knew there was something off. My alarm bells were firing; my gut was

letting me know that this deal had no promise. He was too smooth, too calm, too reassuring - he

reminded me too much of the guy who once abused me. I had wanted to say no; I really did. My financial

acumen was not the culprit here. I did not need to learn to be a better investor; I needed to simply

learn to say "no". Actually, learn is not the right word - I needed to overcome the paralysis that held me

back from forming the letters N and O on my lips and saying it loud enough for this financial predator to

hear. But I did not say it loud enough when I was eight and the older and larger boy climbed on top of

me, pinned me to the bed, removed his pants and used my body for his sexual gratification. I did not say

it loud enough when he asked me again if I would like to see his baseball card collection and I knew it

was a ruse to once again violate my innocence. And I didn't say it loud enough today, when I was asked

for a $30,000 deposit on top of the $10,000 I knew was already lost. My entire body disobeyed me as I

logged on to the computer and wired the hard earned money knowing full well it would never come

back.

Walking into my first therapy session as an adult of 23, I was asked the question many therapists ask:

"What brings you here"? I responded that I knew I was not stupid, but I kept getting fucked and I did

not understand why. He asked me if I was molested as a child - he became the first person to learn my

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secret. The eerie similarity between the 2 words in bold was clear to me right away - I was simply

repeating a pattern.

In a letter written by this therapist about me that I had the opportunity to read at later time, he wrote

the following: ..the young man who was abused came to me for treatment of rather extreme

assertiveness problems, and only affirmed that he had been abused after I inquired about the possibility

of this to be a factor, as it is not uncommon for men with assertiveness problems to have been abused

as children.

There was a part of me that wanted nothing to do with therapy, healing or confronting the abuse. Why

should I? Saying "no" should be so much easier. Why don't I just practice saying the word over and over

to myself and eventually I will be able to say it to others? Do I really need to invest time, money, and

energy in extremely uncomfortable discussions and work just to say no?

But it did not get any easier. Several weeks later when a customer asked me to ship him goods prior to

receiving payment, I obliged knowing full well that he would not and could not pay me on time.

At some point, I just had to accept the fact that I was not my creator. There were mechanisms at play

here that I simply could not will away; if I wanted them to go away, I had to deal with it, as the well-

known saying the only way out is through. Wanting our bodies to live without oxygen will not enable

us to do so and trying to get my sense of self back was not going to happen without returning to the

place from where it was robbed. I don't make the rules but if I want to win, I better be willing to play by

them.

Years of therapy, learning and optimizing techniques to overcome my struggle helped some.

Nevertheless, I was still in the realm of symptoms and not yet dealing with the root cause.

Fortunately, I was introduced to JCW and they did what others could not. JCW gave me my voice back

in the most powerful of ways. I had tried many ways to confront my abuser so that he can hear how he

impacted me, but no organization or person was powerful enough to achieve that objective. JCW

provided me with an opportunity to stand face to face with my abuser and tell him what I had wanted to

tell him so many years before but was not able to:

No! No! No!

"No! I am not okay with you forcing yourself on top of me and using my body for your sexual pleasure."

"No! I do not want to be locked in your room, pushed into your closet, while you smother and

suffocate me so that you can experience an orgasm."

"No! Your baseball cards, computer games and attention were not worth the price I paid. Not then and

not now. And do not minimize this your actions created challenges for me that no one should need to

deal with."

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There was one other thing I wanted to tell him. I felt compelled to let him know that despite the

damage he caused, my life was far from over. I had prepared a letter to read to him and as I did so, a

serenity and a peace that I had not previously experienced came over me. The weight that I unknowingly

supported on my shoulders for so many years melted; where before I felt anger and fear towards him,

now I felt only pity. This man who once held all power over me, who brought tears to my eyes and a

quiver to my voice every time I thought of or spoke of him shrunk before me. He now sat sad and

pathetic, huddled into the corner of the couch opposite mine, weak and insignificant and entirely

unworthy of any anger, resentment or fear.

His frail body trembled and his weak gaze could barely hold my own as I heard my voice crisply, clearly

and boldly proclaim:

"I want you to know that if given the choice I would ask for everything to happen the exact same way it

did. If I was told that I could do it all again, I would ask to be molested by you in the exact same way I

was. Coerce me with your twisted lies and force yourself on me. I would not want to change a thing; I

have no regrets and there's nothing I want to be different; I am more powerful than you will ever know;

I am neither a victim nor a survivor; I am an experiencer. These are my experiences and I would have it

no other way."

JCW gave me my voice back. Today, I no longer struggle to assert myself in a calm and appropriate

manner. When I say "Yes", I feel confident that I mean exactly that because I can say "No" just as

comfortably.

And JCW is giving you your voice back as well. It is giving a voice back to our entire community. It is

giving you, and all of us, an opportunity to stand up to decades of abuse, secrecy and lies that have

plagued our community and boldly proclaim:

"No! We will not quiet our voices when evil is perpetrated against our children.

No! We will not stay silent and allow our organizations to hide behind innocent boys and girls while

their souls are ripped out from inside them.

No! We will not question our morality when perpetrators reputations are destroyed as a result of

their own wrongdoing.

And..

Yes! We absolutely do deserve to raise our families in a safe environment free from fear that our

children will be victimized and re-victimized over and over again."

Eli Nash, 7/23/2014