I got 99 Problems but DevOps Ain’t One

Why?

“…helps solve the DevOps problem…”

1. ACLs2. Firewalls3. Routing Tables4. SDN5. VLANs6. VXLAN7. Contexts8. Line Cards9. My CIO read The Phoenix Project and now

everything is a fucking kanban board and post-it notes are all over our walls

10.File Systems11.Stale NFS mounts12.fsck13.selinux14.My filesystem developer killed someone

(ReiserFS)

15.Ruby16.Python17.PERL (?)18.PHP19.register_globals=on20.JavaScript21.NaN22.Node23.nohup node server.js &

24.MySQL25.MySQL Replication26.Corrupt DB table27.No transactions28.SQL29.No SQL30.No Indexes31.Oracle32.Oracle33.Oracle

34.AWS US-EAST-135.Schrödinger’s Instance (up and down at same

time)36.Forgetting to destroy 2 TB of EBS volumes on

your personal credit card37.Cloud Bursting38.Speed of Light

39.Viruses40.Spyware41.My Mom’s computer and viruses 42.My Mom’s computer and SpyWare43.My anti-virus developer is high in Belize and

killed someone

44.Amdahl’s Law45.Consistency46.Availability47.Partitioning48.Fallacies of Distributed Computing49.Where I woke up this morning50.And who’s goat is this?

51.Java52.JVMs53.Heap Allocation54.Stack Allocation55.Garbage Collection56.HotSpot Errors57.Java

58.svn59.Team Foundation Server60.Rational61.Mercurial62.GitHub (going down)63.ci

64.Vendors65.Recruiters66.LinkedIn67.Marketing68.Marketing69.Marketing70.Scanning your badge at a conference and

then getting endless emails trying to sell you something

71.Linux Kernel Panics72.Mac OS X Kernel Panics73.Windows Blue Screens74.Kernel Patches75.Firmware Updates76.OS Patches77.Patch Tuesday78.Not patching (ever)

79.The CEO80.Investors81.Seed Round82.A Round83.B Round84.IPO85.Stock Options86.Not getting paid market rate, but “look at all

the options we gave you”

87.DNS88.Domain Keys89.Sender Policy Framework90.Reverse Lookups91.BIND92.Pretentious DNS Developers (djbdns)93.Windows DNS94.WTF is my IP (wtfismyip.com/json)

95.CloudStack96.OpenStack97.Eucalyptus98.Open Cloud99.Software Defined Everything

If you’re having code problems I feel bad for you son, I got

99 problems but DevOps ain’t one