Of Douglas & Elbert CountiesOf Douglas & Elbert Counties

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ISSUE 901 • December 8, 2014

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11028 S Pikes Peak Dr • Parker • 303-841-2666190 S Wilcox Unit C • Castle Rock • 303-660-2696

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To Advertise Call 303-994-9683

TIDBITS® LOOKS AT SOME

FAMOUS COUPLESby Kathy Wolfe

Better half, soulmate, signifi cant other – no matter how you say it, it’s all about being a couple. Tidbits has the acts on some famous couples both real and imaginary. • In March of 1952, Joltin’ Joe DiMaggio determined that he would like to meet Marilyn Monroe and within days, they had their fi rst date. Due to his spectacular achievements with the New York Yankees, DiMaggio was much more of a celebrity at the time than the beautiful movie star. The two were married in a San Francisco civil ceremony in January, 1954, and just nine months later, were in divorce court. Raised in a strict traditional home, DiMaggio strongly disliked Marilyn’s fi lm career, believing she should be a housewife caring for his home, and asked her to give up her career. For 20 years after her death at age 36, Joe had roses delivered to her grave twice a week. • Virginia McMath and Frederick Austerlitz made ten fi lms together during the 1930s, a dance duo better known as Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. Prior to their fi rst fi lm, 1933’s Flyin’ Down to Rio, Rogers had never before danced with a partner. By 1936, the pair were top box offi ce stars. From 1933 to 1949, the famous dancers made a total of 10 movies.

turn the page for more!

2 Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties Interesting StuffFor Advertising Call Tim (303)994-9683

Continued on page 5

Making medications that fit our patients...

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THEN

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Picture/Layout & Design • Tim Mundy, Tidbits of Douglas & Elbert Counties

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FAMOUS COUPLES (continued):• The love story of Cherilyn Sarkisian and Salvatore Bono began in 1962 in a Los Angeles coffee shop. She was 16 and he was 27. Bono, who worked for a record producer at Hollywood’s Gold Star Studios helped get Cher a gig as a backup singer on some of the studio’s classic recordings, including The Righteous Brothers’ hit “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling.” By late 1964, the pair were married and performing together, calling themselves Caesar and Cleo, releasing a single “Do You Wanna Dance?” Early the following year, they switched their name to Sonny and Cher. Their signature hit “I Got You, Babe” was released in 1965. Their third album, in 1967, featured Sonny’s composition “The Beat Goes On,” another Sonny and Cher trademark. In 1971, they were offered a summer television series, The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour. The show was such a hit, the couple was offered a regular prime time program later that year, and it quickly soared to the network’s Top Ten. The program continued for four seasons, garnering 15 Emmy Award nominations. Unfortunately, by the third season, the marriage was unraveling, and although they separated that year, the show went on. A nasty divorce was fi nalized in 1975. Yet nothing seemed to hold the couple back, as they reunited in 1976 for The Sonny and Cher Show. Poor ratings resulted in its cancellation the following year. Cher went on to a successful solo singing and acting career, while Sonny was elected mayor of Palm Springs, California, for a term, followed by his election to the U.S. House of Representatives. While serving in that position, he was killed in a Lake Tahoe skiing accident, when he struck a tree. It seems only fi tting that his tombstone’s epitaph reads, “And the beat goes on.” • Biblical fi gure Samson was a judge over Israel when he fell for the seductive Delilah. Samson possessed supernatural strength endowed by God when he took a vow to be set apart for God’s service. Samson’s vow included never cutting his hair, and if he did, his strength would leave him. He had been exacting vengeance on the Philistines, and they were out for payback. The Philistine rulers approached Delilah, offering her a great sum of money if she could discover the secret of Samson’s strength. Delilah slyly wormed the information out of him, then “called for someone to come and shave off the seven braids of his hair…and his strength left him.” The Philistines gouged out his eyes and put him in prison performing hard labor. In his pain, Samson cried out to God, and as his hair grew, his strength was restored. During a Philistine celebration, they paraded Samson into the temple to entertain the heckling crowds. He braced himself between the support pillars of the temple and used his unearthly strength to bring down the edifi ce, destroying his enemies along with himself.• Olive Oyl was around long before her boyfriend Popeye. Olive fi rst appeared in 1919 as a main character in the comic strip Thimble Theatre, a tall, extremely thin girl with her hair pulled into a bun. Popeye wasn’t introduced to the strip until nearly 10 years later, but immediately became so popular, the comic was renamed Popeye. Olive Oyl’s brother was Castor Oyl, her father was Cole Oyl, and her sister-in-law, Cylinda Oyl. Olive appeared in nearly 25,000 comic strips. Popeye’s fi rst animated cartoons appeared in 1933. In 1937, he was so popular that the community of Crystal City, Texas, the self-proclaimed Spinach Capital of the World, erected a statue of Popeye in front of City Hall to honor the character who had turned spinach

Pet Page Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties 3For Advertising Call Tim (303)994-9683

Dr. James Olson - The Meow Doc

Cat Q & ACat Q & A

Cat SpecialistDr. James Olson, Dipl ABVP (Feline)

Dr. Jennifer Olson Lavallee

612 Atchison Way • Castle Rock CO 80109

303.663.2287 (CATS)

Why Bring Your Cat to Cat Specialist?

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We’re a full service CATS ONLY clinic with a big difference. We feature the only Board Certified Feline Specialist in Colorado.

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Dr. James K. Olson is "The Meow Doc", a nationally recognized veterinarian specializing exclusively in cats. Dr. Olson holds the title of Diplomate, Feline Specialty, from the American Board of Veterinary Practitioners. He is certifi ed to practice nuclear medi-cine by the State of Colorado Department of Radiaton Safety. His practice is located in Castle Rock, Colorado. For more information please visit his comprehensive website: CatSpecialist.com

Cindy Rose, AAMS®Financial Advisor

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Quality Service on all Foreignand Domestic Vehicles

Greg’s Auto Repair is a local, family owned and

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Cold Weather = Hypothermia

Nature has given our domestic cats a fur coat that insulates from the cold and warm weather. Usually warm weather is less of a problem than cold weather unless you live in a desert with no shade or protection from the sun. The cold temperatures when combined with rain, wind, hail, sleet, and snow can be a huge challenge for survival. The wild cats in Colorado, the mountain lion and bobcat, have adapted well to harsh climate changes and the ability to hunt for food. Humans are the biggest threat to wildlife. With our domestic cats we can tilt the chance for survival in our cat’s favor by providing the basics – good food, safe shelter, and love!

o Indoor cats are in the safest environment we can provide. They have HVAC on demand, abundant food, a safe comfortable sleep space, and humans to wait on their every need.

o Indoor/outdoor and outdoor cats if given a safe haven to get out of the weather and have a good source of food have the next best chance of survival. Most of these cats who want to hunt and roam are at risk. Feral cats live short hard lives.

o Shelter from the elements is a primary need to retain body heat – a barn with hay, a heated tack room, a garage or covered back porch with an insulated bed, or a cat door to get into a warm house will provide comfort for your cat.

o A refuge from coyotes and owls especially in cold weather when escape is diffi cult will enhance survival. Wild creatures need to eat and your cat is food.

o Some environments are cat friendly and others are not. Try to improve your cat’s chances to thrive.

o Cats can survive better than most humans in the wild but cold can kill.

o If your cat becomes hypothermic or gets frostbite – rewarm slowly and get your cat to an emergency hospital A.S.A.P.

Most cat owners plan for the safety of their cats and can avoid seasonal risk factors. With the holiday season upon us we need to see that our cats/pets are not exposed to the extremes of weather, do not contact poisons like antifreeze, do not get into chocolate, string, decorations, or other holiday fare.

4 Twenty Questions Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties For Advertising Call Tim (303)994-9683

The Gem Advisor

Scott McQueen

Scott McQueen is the owner of Pinetree Jewelers, Parker’s oldest jewelry store established in 1976. 2 store locations: 11028 S. Pikes Peak Drive in Parker and 190 S Wilcox in Castle Rock. For more call 303.841.2666 or 303-660-2696

Green Tourmaline

Tourmaline comes in a variety of colors, however green is considered the classical tourmaline color, or should I say shades of green. Some are very light green, and others are so dark that the green color can only be seen when held against a bright light. The blue-green to dark green tourmalines are the most popular but also the most rare, perhaps because they are worn by both men and women. Don’t let the variety of names for tourma-lines confuse you. A bottle-green tourmaline my be referred to as a “Brazilian tourmaline” but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the stone came from Brazil…it could have come from Africa. Tourmalines that are a lighter green are often referred to as “African Tourmalines” but it doesn’t necessarily mean they came from Africa…they might have come from Brazil. Totally confused? Me too. Let’s make it simple: If the origin of your tourmaline is important – ask a trustworthy gemologist. You’ll love a green tourmaline ring or necklace because the colors are harmonious with the environment and transmit a stun-ning vivacity.

Sudoku Made Possible By

Bob LowryNeighborhoodExclusive Agent

303.688.1966Auto-Home-Business-Life

Allstate Insurance Company201 S Wilcox St. #2A

Castle Rock 20 QUESTIONS

303.

688.

1966

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All the answers begin with the same letter.

1. In what city is the United States Naval Academy located?

2. Shakespeare wrote the historical tragedy “___________ and Cleopatra”.

3. What kind of federal laws apply to monopoly and restraint of trade?

4. What do you call any substance that prevents the growth of microorganisms?

5. What name is used to refer to several kinds of unrelated mammals that feed primarily on termites?

6. What is used to launch or to intercept radio waves?7. Name the disease that is also called splenic fever

or charbon, a highly fatal, rapidly acting, infectious disease of men and animals.

8. What word refers to the science of man and culture?9. What do you call the chemical substances, produced

by microorganisms, which have the capacity, in dilute solutions, to inhibit the growth of and even to destroy bacteria and other microorganisms?

10. What is one called who denies or opposes the name and rights of Christ?

11. What is another name for the last book of the New Testament, Revelation?

12. Name the branch of theology that is concerned with the intellectual defense of Christian truth?

13. What do you call the acute abdominal condition caused by infection, obstruction, or a combination of the two, of the appendix?

14. Name the tree of the rose family, bearing probably the most important fruit in the world, useful for eating raw or for making jams, jellies, and pies.

15. What does the A stand for in SAT, a test you may have taken?

16. Where are aquatic animals kept captive for public or private exhibition?

17. What is the common word used to refer to the principal people of the Middle East and North Africa?

18. Name the class of animals that includes spiders, scorpions, mites, and ticks.

19. Name the mountain in eastern Turkey where Noah’s Ark landed and is believed to be residing to this day.

20. What special day is set aside, usually in March or April, to remind people of the importance of trees?

Answers: 1. Annapolis, MD 2. Antony 3. Antitrust 4. Antiseptic 5. Anteater 6. Antennas 7. Anthrax 8. Anthropology 9. Antibiotics 10. Antichrist 11. Apocalypse 12. Apologetics 13. Appendicitis 14. Apple 15. Aptitude 16. Aquarium 17. Arab 18. Arachnids 19. Ararat 20. Arbor Day

Tidbits® of Douglas & Elbert Counties Classifieds 5For Advertising Call Tim (303)994-9683

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Miscellaneous

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PetsWANTS TO purchase minerals

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FirewoodFirewood, Dry, Split,

Delivered.Greiger Logging,Corral Poles too303-688-0453

Adoption

The Castle Rock Senior Center is accepting unwanted cars, trucks, RV’s donations. This helps us

fund our vital transportation shut-tle services. Fully tax deductible

call 303-688-9498 to donate

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Delivery. 619-206-0118

Business Opp

LOW INTEREST financing at 4%. Don't pay for 6 months!! Personal,

auto, and small business loans. Bad credit okay! Call Commerce

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4-H Project Club Calves For Sale. These calves are broke for you.

Ready for your fairs and jackpots. All home raised for $1,800-

$2,000. Sires included: Amen and Maine Man. April born. They are ready to take home and do some winning !. Call or Text 620-376-

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READY TO Ranch! Need help rounding up the cows? 100% doggie door trained. Mom is Border Collie/Australian Shepherd. This mix makes the best little ranch hands youll ever have! Dad is very loyal and gentle

as a kitten with all of our animals as well as the grandkids. They have all had thier 1st puppy shots, dewormer, flea prevention and are Very Healthy. They are ready to work; also make the best Lifetime Companions youll ever

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HAVE AN APPY CHRISTMAS, handsome well trained Appaloosa gelding, great trail or ranch horse,

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I HAVE nice baby face Yorkie Pup-pies For Free Adoption They are 12 weeks old,Yorkie puppies to give it

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into a very popular food. Popeye proved himself a good boyfriend over and over when he rescued Olive from the clutches of his archrival Bluto. • Twenty-five-year-old Elvis Presley was stationed in Germany in 1959, when he met the 14-year-old daughter of an Air Force officer at a party. Elvis and Priscilla Beaulieu had an eight-year courtship before finally marrying in 1967 in an eight-minute ceremony at Las Vegas’ Aladdin Hotel. He was 32, she was 21. Priscilla’s engagement ring was a 3.5-carat diamond surrounded by a row of smaller diamonds. The couple separated in 1972 and divorced in 1973. Ironically, their courtship lasted longer than the marriage. • You might not recognize the name “American Gothic,” but you’ve probably seen the image. It’s a 1930 oil painting of a farmer holding a pitchfork, standing alongside a woman in her apron in front of a farmhouse. Painter Grant Wood enlisted his sister Nan to model, while Wood’s dentist, Dr. Byron McKeeby posed next to her. Although some folks think they represent husband and wife, Wood intended the couple as a father and his spinster daughter. While driving through Eldon, Iowa, Wood happened to see a little wood farmhouse called the Dibble House, and had a vision of the couple standing in front of it. The couple he painted were, in Wood’s words, “the kind of people I fancied should live in that house.” The painting was exhibited for the first time in Chicago’s Art Institute, where Wood earned a $300 prize and immediate fame. Although he is best known for “American Gothic,” Wood painted 27 other works, along with various murals, lithographs, ceramics, and other art.

FAMOUS CANADIANS:

ELIZABETH ARDEN Where would the world of beauty be without Elizabeth Arden? Here’s the success story of this Ontario-born businesswoman who built a cosmetics empire in the early 20th century. • Elizabeth Arden was born Florence Nightingale Graham in 1884 to a poor farm family. Although her ambition was to become a nurse, she dropped out of a Toronto nursing school, but not before she had diligently studied the lotions used to treat burns. She made the move to Manhattan at age 23, where she worked as a bookkeeper for the Squibb Pharmaceuticals Company. Elizabeth spent all her free hours in their lab, absorbing all the information she could about skincare. • Elizabeth soon switched jobs to become a beautician’s assistant in 1908. Two years later, she and a partner each invested $1,000 to open their own salon, and when that partnership dissolved shortly afterward, she opened her own on Fifth Avenue. She dubbed her salon Elizabeth Arden, taking the first name from her former partner and the surname from the Tennyson poem “Enoch Arden.” • A trip to Paris enabled Elizabeth to learn new beauty techniques in that city’s salons. While in Paris, she developed a collection of rouge and powders, and upon her return to America, hired a team of chemists to develop her own personal line of face creams and lotions. • Within five years of opening that first salon, Elizabeth Arden was selling her products internationally. She opened several exclusive spas, offering the first makeovers, and pampering clients with expensive beauty treatments. • Due to her efforts, the use of cosmetics began to be viewed as more appropriate and ladylike rather than something used by just the lower classes of women. Elizabeth was a woman ahead of her time, counseling women to stay hydrated, stay out of the sun, and practice yoga regularly. • A devoted suffragette, in 1912, Elizabeth marched the streets of New York in support of women’s rights with 15,000 other women. All of them wore red lipstick supplied by Arden as a symbol of their solidarity. • In 1922, Elizabeth opened a salon in Paris, which was followed by salons in South America and Australia. Even in the midst of the Great Depression, her company was grossing upwards of $4 million a year. In 1946, her picture graced the cover of TIME magazine, one of the first women to be honored in this way.

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KAHR PM40 pistol with 3 mags, original box, and manual. EXCELLENT condition with no signs of wear: $495 (way below Blue Book, buyer pays transfer fees). Perfect gun for concealed carry. Details: .40 S&W caliber, capacity 5+1 and 6+1 with the two extended grip mags, black

polymer frame, matte blackened stainless steel slide, barrel length 3.1", overall length 5.47", height 4", slide width .94", weight 15.8

ounces, combat sights. Reason for sale: Need to lighten up gun safe.

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POOCHI PUPPIES $120 each We just got them for our little girls n now

We have to move. They are both 8 weeks old and have had first shots and dewormer. Please text prefered

719-359-2922

ROOM FOR Rent-S.W. Greeley area, split expenses on 2 bdrm, 2 bath

apartment. Avail now. Responsible individual only please. No Smok-

ers, No pets, No Drugs. Background check req'd by Apartment owners.

$640 month. Email me for interview. mcidoug@yahoo.com

HIGH PLAINS Horsebreaking Co., LLC. Experienced horse

training, retraining, and ride-outs. Mustangs, Mules, Mares, and

Studs (and Geldings, of course). Riding Lessons. Located in

Pueblo West, 719-547-2455. Visit highplainstradingpost.com.

ROCKING CHAIR, traditional-style, all maple hardwood, new

condition. Lots of turnings in the rails and armrests and the headrest

is carved. Finish is a medium brown. Used very, very little,

has really just been a decoration in the living room. Solid, heavy,

heirloom quality. Perfect for nursey, living room, bedroom,

porch. Comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-free home. Pueblo West, 719-547-2455. $115, cash

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1956 CHEVY Pickup 3100, Mus-tang II front end, 350 LT-1 engine,

350 automatic, 10 bolt rear end, $15,000. Call 303-647-2317

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HOUSE CLEANERS Reliable/Re-sponsible/ Detail Oriented House Cleaner, prefer experience, Bilin-gual, Must have car and android or I-phone, for Highlands Ranch/Castle Rock area. 28 hours + per

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Minimize ice melt use when you can

Colorado's recent dive into the deep freeze meant a lot of us were strewing ice melt over steps and walkways. It's a fact of life during the Colorado winter.

While we need to protect people from slipping and falling, we also need to be aware that almost all ice melt products are salt-based and salts are damaging to plants. The

salt from ice melt not only gets into the soil, but will build up over time to become an ongoing problem.

If the front entry sidewalk gets repeated applications of ice melt during the winter, chances are the salt will keep ac-cumulating in the soil in the grass or bed areas next to the walk. Many seasons of using ice melt will bump up salt levels in the soil and your plants won't like it.

What happens? Just like when people eat salt and become thirsty, overly-salted plants will also get thirsty and dry out. Flushing the area with water sometimes helps, but may not be completely effective.

Here are two tips for minimizing salt damage:Use ice melt products sparingly. While you must play it safe on walks, pay attention to how much product it really takes to get the job done. Less may be enough.When ice is melting, avoid sweeping the puddles of salty water into planting areas. Instead, let the moisture evapo-rate, sweep up any product that remains and dispose of it. Through moderation and careful clean-up, you can reduce the amount of damaging salt that travels to the root zone of your plants.

If perennial ice problems make it impossible for walks and plant-growing areas to exist side-by-side, modifying the area might be in order. The solution could be as simple as placing mulch over the highly salted area and placing container plants on top of the mulch. Dealing with ice that results from other issues, such as poor drainage, will require solving the problem that causes ice to accumulate in the fi rst place.

When you suspect plants are declining due to salt damage, an evaluation of the plant material and a soil test can con-fi rm that salt is in fact the cause. With this information, you can move on to consider landscape options that will help you keep your property safe and still allow you to enjoy your plants.

Of Douglas County ColoradoOf Douglas County Colorado

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Douglas County Sheri�, Dave Weaver, Needs Your Help

FUGITIVE OF THE WEEKName: CHRISTOPHERALLEN CONRAD

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33 years old5’10” 170 lbsBrown hair, Hazel eyesLKA: Castle Rock, CO Charges: Assault, An act of domestic violence, DrivingUnder the In�udence

I created Castle “RockStar Fitness” to serve as our town’s hometown personalized and group training center. After more than 20 years as a Master Fitness Trainer in the U.S Army, earn-ing my resident personal trainer certifi cation and positively infl uencing the lives of men and woman as a personal and group trainer with an athletic club, I am chasing my passion. I have opened a training center for all ages so that I can use my skills and experi-ence to help those in my community achieve their health and fi tness goals. I am a fi rm believer in teamwork and helping you understand how to complete the cycle of weight loss, muscle strength and cardiorespiratory endurance. Our trainers are committed to your goals throughout and be-yond your time with us. Aside from being your personal fi tness trainer- we serve as your motivator, nutrition counselor and coach. In addition to our individual and partnered ser-vices, we offer a variety of small group classes. Swing by for your free fi tness assessment and workout during our Grand Opening on Decem-ber 6th and learn how to treat your achy body, increase your energy levels, and lose weight. Proclaim Your Power!

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MOMENTS IN TIMEThe History Channel

• On Dec. 28, 1793, Thomas Paine is arrested in France for treason. Though the charges against him were never de-tailed, he had been tried in absentia on Dec. 26 and con-victed. Before moving to France, Paine was an instrumental fi gure in the American Revolution as the author of Common Sense.

• On Dec. 24, 1801, British inventor Richard Trevithick takes his friends for a test ride on his “Puffi ng Devil,” or “Puffer,” the fi rst steam-powered passenger vehicle. The Puffer could be put to work in mines, on farms, in factories, on ships and in locomotives of all kinds.

• On Dec. 27, 1831, British naturalist Charles Darwin sets out from Plymouth, England, aboard the HMS Beagle on a fi ve-year surveying expedition of the southern Atlantic and Pacifi c oceans to gather knowledge of the fl ora, fauna and geology. This information proved invaluable in the develop-ment of his theory of evolution.

• On Dec. 22, 1849, writer Fyodor Dostoevsky is led before a fi ring squad but receives a last-minute reprieve and is sent to a Siberian labor camp, where he worked for four years. In 1866, he published “Crime and Punishment.”

• On Dec. 25, 1941, “White Christmas,” written by Irving Berlin, receives its world premiere on the NBC radio pro-gram, “The Kraft Music Hall.” The song went on to become one of the most commercially successful singles of all time.

• On Dec. 26, 1966, Jimi Hendrix writes the lyrics to “Purple Haze” -- the song that would give him his breakthrough hit in the United States. “Purple Haze” actually had relatively little commercial success as a single. It was Hendrix’s leg-endary, guitar-burning live performance at the Monterey Pop Festival that established him as a star.

• On Dec. 23, 1982, the Missouri Department of Health and the federal Centers for Disease Control inform residents of Times Beach, Missouri, that their town was contaminated when the chemical dioxin was sprayed on its unpaved roads, and that the town will have to be evacuated and demolished. In 1985, the city was offi cially unincorporated.

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE CLUB

Dear Diary,For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of per-sonal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identifi ed himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to fi nd Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I fi nally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY: Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to fi nd me.Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that jackass Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the fl oor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill fl ung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the fl oor with diamonds!!!