The offi cial newspaper of Edina High School

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Culture p. 10The Art of Taking Selfi es: How to snap the perfect picture of yourself

www.edinazephyrus.com Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439

In-Depth p. 6-7Turning Over a New Leaf: All about where everyone’s favorite seniors will be next fall!

edinazephyrus.com Find out about the recent AP Statistics cheating scandal..

TEN EDINA TECHNOLOGY STAFF MEMBERS PINKSLIPPED

In order to understand the present, we must understand the past. Beginning in World War II, Korea was controlled by an empire, one that shaped the lives of the people for the good and the bad. After the Pacific war ended in 1945 and

the Japanese Empire retreated, Korea was di-vided in half at the 38th parallel. The United States transformed South Korea into a right-wing democratic government, while the Soviet Union who received North Korea, introduced communism. What began as mere illegal border crossings

and raids turned into full warfare, as North Korea invaded South Korea June 25, 1950. Soon, the People’s Republic of China al-

lied with the Soviet Union and North Korean forces advanced into South Korea, pushing their forces behind the 38th parallel.

An armistice was signed on July 27, 1953. Since then, soldiers belonging to the North and South have been stationed along the 38th paral-lel and tensions have remained fairly minimal.

On March 8, the North Korean government put its military into a combat-ready state and declared that missiles were being pointed at various places that it found threatening.

US offi cials predict that the missiles have been set to go to either large cities in Japan,

South Korea, or the US Pacifi c military base in Guam.

A day prior to the announcement, on March 7, North Korea even stated that they deemed the United States as the “sworn enemy of the Korean People.”

A majority of US offi cials, including the US National Intelligence Director James Clapper, predicted that the actions are being globally shared in order to vie an intimidating and au-thoritative atmosphere to the newly appointed Kim Jong-un.

North Korea continued cutting former re-lations, for instance on March 13, when they ended the 1953 armistice which ended the Ko-rean War.

They declared that, “Under the situation where a war may break out any moment, there is no need to keep up North-South military com-munications.”

Finally, on March 30, they declared that they were at a state of war with South Korea and that missiles were at the ready to be launched at US naval bases in the Pacifi c.

Further, US satellites have found that North Korea is beginning to rebuild a cooling building at an abandoned nuclear reactor site.

The KCNA, the North Korean media, fur-ther increased tension by claiming that, “The

moment of explosion is approaching fast. No one can say a war will break out in Korea or not and whether it will break out today or tomorrow.”

Yet, why? Why, suddenly, has North Ko-rea taken such affi rmative action against the United States and rearing itself into a state where, if they truly were to launch missiles or develop a nuclear bomb, would be its fi nal act?

Perhaps we need to look at George Bush’s comments of North Korea in 2001, where he publicly called North Korea, “an axis of evil” and “outpost of tyranny.” And while this army be true, perhaps it should not be such a surprise that tensions are building.

As our globally connected world becomes more complex and vicious, and we attend the last legs of our school year, drive down the highway blasting summer tunes, maybe the best thing to do is to be appreciative for what you have.

And perhaps the answer to the question of what we can do, what we can obtain during our wait, is demonstrate exactly what North Korea leaders do not have: patience.

Sloane Nilsen, outgoing senior

art by Elizabeth Jarvey

Edina High School is completely restruc-turing its technology department. Recently, ten people, all of them members of one of two specifi c jobs in district technology, were terminated.

The technology department is redefi ning the way it categorizes its employees. “We had some pretty generic job descriptions,” said Director of Media and Technology Services Steve Buettner. “Technology has changed from general to more specifi c work needs, so we looked at the roles and responsibilities that we need. Wireless wasn’t around when these job descriptions were written. So we created specifi c job descriptions that discuss the needs of the organization.”

The ten people all had a similar job, but

their responsibilities, according to the dis-trict, really should have differed. Because of this, nine new positions were created. The district encouraged the staff that were termi-nated to re-apply for one of the new positions.

According to Buettner, “six were rehired, two retired, and two are not returning.”

Though it seems this change could be economically based, the district states that it wasn’t. Buettner said, “This is cost-neutral, which means that we hope to have no reduction of staff or anything like that.”

The only fi nancial aspect is wage changes. The responsibilities of the new positions will vary when they are put into action next year.

Naturally, some of these positions will have a higher salary than others, but the amount of

money going into the technology department shouldn’t be changing, and the decision should only help the department.

Buettner claimed, “We may see some jobs making a little bit more salary, and other jobs making a little bit less salary.”

Nonetheless, this situation isn’t entirely ideal. “This has a huge impact on these people’s lives,” says Buettner.

“Though we’re talking about job descrip-tions and job responsibilities, there are humans behind that, and they are defi nitely people being impacted. Most of them have come to work [and] work tirelessly every day, even though this has happened to them,” he added.

These people have responsibilities and lives, and these changes truly hurt them.

“It is hard to answer the phone and have to tell people that my former co-workers no longer work here,” shared one of the ten people laid off.

The source also said that there isn’t much trust in the technology department anymore.

But does this have anything to do with the high school’s recent technological prob-lems?

Buettner says no. “Most of these folks have worked with integrity, and have come to work to keep it going.” More likely, these problems just happen to have gotten worse now, and were more a cause of the changes than the effect of them.

Jackson Van Dyke, opinion editor

North Koreaversus the world

art by Emma Westbrook

News26754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439 Volume 33 Issue 7 May, 17 2013 www.edinazephyrus.com

Throughout this school year, various anonymous Twitter ac-counts, whose subject matter involves students and staff at Edina High School, have been created by Edina students.

The purposes of some of these accounts range from finding stu-dents’ alter egos to posting pictures of fellow classmates without their eyebrows.

Other accounts insult specifi c stu-dents and staff, making references to sexuality, drugs, and alcohol.

One account ranked Edina girls based on their appearance, using March Madness style brackets to eliminate girls.

However, awareness of bullying and cyberbullying is at an all time high and some of these accounts have been called into question by Edina High School students, staff, and administrators as inappropriate and offensive.

Though the Edina High School administration has received complaints about some of the ac-counts’ content, some EHS students feel that very little has been done to stop them.

“It is a very diffi cult process,” said Edina High School Prin-

cipal Dr. Bruce Locklear regarding the administration’s attempt to control these accounts.

Creators of these accounts often use false names, emails, and even addresses to cover up their tracks. Currently the administration is looking into a variety of programs that would allow them to track the accounts back through their IP addresses.

The accounts could then be tracked by GPS, allowing authorities to locate the ac-count holders.

Some students have been offended and have voiced their frustrations to Edina High School’s administra-tion about the content posted from certain twitter accounts, but none of the students were willing to be quoted in this article about their complaints

because they did not want to become targets themselves.“It’s not an easy thing to sit down in front of someone and try

to answer the questions of why someone would list them as a part of a blog or a tweet,” said Dr. Locklear on how hard it is to help

students that have been hurt by Twitter accounts. This type of cyberbullying poses a new type of challenge for

schools as well as students. Schools have to worry not only about how these accounts

affect their students but also about the way that these accounts affect the school’s image.

“The things that I tweet have one purpose, and that is to hope-fully bring some laughter into people’s Twitter feeds,” said @EdinaHottie in response to a tweet from Zephyrus.

“I just tweet things that come to mind or something that hap-pened over the weekend that people are talking about.”

To the critics of its account, @EdinaHottie said, “It’s just a Twitter account, and you don’t have to follow me. Most impor-tantly, just lighten up.”

This year, another school in the Lake Conference had some success in addressing a similar issue regarding an anonymous Twitter account that was targeting students.

The administration worked with students, and the actual creator of the account came forward.

To people thinking about creating an account that might hurt the feelings of their classmates, Dr. Locklear offered some advice.

“Try to look beyond the immediacy of the moment and try to analyze long term the impact [what you post] would have on someone,” said Dr. Locklear.

Alex Van Gorp, outgoing senior

#Outofcontrol?

In hopes to simplify fl ight paths and reduce the risk of miscom-munications between pilots and air traffi c controllers, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) plans to consolidate the current sixteen fl ight paths over Edina into two high traffi c paths, with one just northwest of 54th and France and the other running west near Highway 62.

At the Minneapolis St. Paul International Airport (MSP), the FAA plans to redesign fl ight paths coming from runways 30L and 30R. One of the goals of this project (called NextGen) is to move air traffi c into lesser populated areas, but many areas will still be affected and are concerned with the increased amount of aircraft noise. That being said, sophomore Max Wagner who lives near the proposed areas and already gets a lot of air craft noise said that “you simply get used to it, it’s almost like white noise.”

The NextGen project hopes to modernize current fl ight paths by using a system of Performance Based Navigation (PBN). The system involves two subsystems, one called Required Navigation Performance (RNP), which will monitor the effi ciency of how planes are navigated through satellite tracking, and Area Naviga-tion (RNAV), which will consolidate and make current fl ight paths more effi cient. The plan will be implemented throughout the country from 2006 to 2025.

The MSP Noise Oversight Committee (NOC) monitors aircraft noise and makes sure the most affected areas have representation. The NOC consists of twelve members, six members coming from the aviation industry and six from local government. Five of the lo-cal seats go to the cities with the most airplane noise (Minneapolis, Richfi eld, Eagan, Mendota Heights, and Apple Valley). “The last seat on the NOC is shared by the ‘at-large’ cities of Apple Valley, Burnsville, Inver Grove Heights, St. Louis Park, St. Paul, Sunfi sh Lake and now Edina,” said Edina City Council member Joni Bennett, Edina’s new representative to the NOC.

Oddly enough Edina initially did not have

any representation until March 20, 2013 (discussions of NextGen implementation in Minneapolis started in 2007). Furthermore, Edina’s representative on the Metropolitan Airports Commission (MAC) told every city in her district except Edina of the new plan.

“A public input process that was supposed to have extended over four to six months was condensed into six weeks,” continued Bennett. Soon Edina and other metro area cities began to act. An online petition was started and hundreds of people from around the metro area attended the November 19, 2012 MAC meeting at the MSP airport to witness the voting. Ultimately, the plan was partially implemented in the south and east, but the northwest was pushed back until 2015 and is up for more public speculation.

Bennett believes this was a success in that “the best solution is partial implementation of navigational technology, with condensed tracks over non-residential areas only and fl ights remaining dis-persed over residential areas.”

Looking forward, Bennett and the city of Edina will look to fi nd-ing the option that best suits its needs, as well as those of the FAA.

Matt Woolsey, culture editor

FAA rerouting � ights over Edina

EHS may start having longer lunches next year. The extended lunches will not take time away from summer or other breaks and will be built into the school day.

Assistant Principal Eric Nelson stated, “There is a pro-posal on the staff development team to implement longer lunches on twentysix days next year. On the days of longer the lunches students will attend fi fty minute classes and go to one of two lunches. Some kids will go to lunch for forty minutes and then work for half an hour. Then the groups will switch and kids who studied fi rst will later go to lunch.” Mr. Nelson added that this will also offer kids an opportunity to meet with teachers.

When asked if this would be a positive thing, Nelson said,“I think it will be a great thing. Students will have time to work with study groups and do homework while teachers of the same subject will have time to meet and discuss curriculum.”

Sophomore Brianna Lundgren said, “I think the new schedule next year sounds like a good idea. During my half an hour to study I would probably catch up on homework that I didn’t get done the night before.”

Perry Bruder, news editor

Longer lunch next year?

Anonymous Twitter accounts attack, insult EHS students and sta�

Art by Annika Smith-Ortiz

photo by Drew Davis

photo by Talia Edelheit

6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439 May 17, 2013 Volume 33 Issue 7 www.edinazephyrus.com

3Features

Joseph HageJoseph Hage is going to attend

Iowa State University next year to “study software engineering.” After learning more about software engineering and “taking AP Computer Science, I knew it was a good fi t and that I wanted to pursue it as my career,” Hage said. He is looking forward to “getting a fresh start, meeting new people and taking advantage of college life.” Going on the Concert Choir trip to Chicago was his favorite memory from high school. Hage added that he feels “lucky to have gotten such an awesome education to prepare me for college. Not everyone is lucky enough to go to a top 100 high school.”

Talia EdelheitTalia Edelheit will be attending New

York University next year. She will be “part of the Tisch drama program... in the Atlantic Studio.” She realized that she was interested in pursuing acting as a career during her junior year. Edelheit said, “I auditioned for many schools, but when I was accepted to NYU, I realized that it was the best school for what I want to do. It will give me the best connections and teach me everything I’ve been yearn-ing to learn.” She is looking forward to working with other students and teachers who are as committed to theater as she is. Winning the State Hockey Tournament this year was Edelheit’s favorite EHS memory because she was “able to step out of [her] theatre world and be part of the school community celebrating such an incredible moment.”

Matt Hopfner “I never really had a dream school growing up,” said senior Matt

Hopfner. “My dream has always been to play college baseball.” It’s safe to say that Hopfner has achieved his goal, as he plans to attend Northwestern University to play Division 1 baseball for the Wildcats next year. “Being an athlete at Northwestern will be a challenge,” said Hopfner. “It will be tough to manage my time between team workouts, practices, and of course schoolwork.” While the workload is daunting, other aspects make the challenge manageable. “I think being on the baseball team will provide a comforting sense of community right when I get there,” Hopfner explained. Like many college bound seniors, Hopfner is undecided about his major and is looking forward to meeting new people next year. However, he also can’t wait to play against his former Edina teammates, like Mitch Larson, who is playing baseball at University of Nebraska-Omaha.

Tony Bauer“I am looking forward to serving my country,”

responded Tony Bauer when asked about his plans for next year. “I have always been interested in joining the military,” Bauer explained. “Next year I am attending the US Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs.” Unlike many college bound freshman who will leave for school at the end of summer, Bauer reports in June to begin his training. “We will do fi tness training, obstacle courses, and leadership classes,” he said. “Then, once the school year begins, I will be taking military strategy on top of all my normal classes.” The Air Force Academy also requires each student to participate in a sport; Bauer will be running cross-country. Ultimately, Bauer hopes to graduate as an offi cer with a double major in Aerospace Engineering and Political Science.

Grace Cashman After high school in Australia, students are required

to take a gap year before they head off to college. This gives them a chance to see the world and expand their horizons before their adult lives begin. While this option exists in the United States, not many people take advan-tage of it. Senior Grace Cashman, however, has always considered taking a gap year. “I am looking at doing two different programs,” she explained. “I would spend my fi rst semester with the National Outdoor Leadership School on an expedition in Patagonia, Chile.” She would spend four months in the wilderness climbing the Andes Mountains, sea kayaking, camping, cooking, fl y fi shing, and rock climbing. “I would spend my second semester in a program at Oxford University in England called the Advanced Studies Program,” Cashman said. “I believe that learning under such a different educational system than the one that I’ve been accustomed to my whole life would be very insightful and eye-opening.”

After EdinaSix seniors’ plans for the future

Vivi Engen, outgoing senior; Hannah Sommerville, managing editor

photo by Talia Edelheit

photo by Talia Edelheit

photo by Talia Edelheit

photo by Vivi Engen

photo by Jake Freeman

This was the most recent information available at press time, plans are subject to change.

Featureswww.edinazephyrus.com Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439

4Oh no! I didn’t “YOLO”

Seniors reveal their Edina High School regrets

“People smoke weed because it’s fun and rebellious,” said an anonymous EHS student. Zephyrus interviewed several random students about their use of marijuana.

When asked where he purchases marijuana, one student responded, “I go to The Shed.” How much does one pay for a supply of marijuana? “$20 for a 20-sack,” said one student.

After visiting Burnsville’s Alliance Academy, a sobriety high school for teenagers recover-ing from any kind of substance abuse, I had the chance to interview an anonymous source who shared his story of using drugs.

The source said, “I started using marijuana at fi rst to hang out with the popular kids in eighth grade. I’ll admit it- I loved it and was addicted to it immediately.”

When he began to run out of saved money to buy weed, he stole money from his Mom’s purse. “At fi rst $20’s, then $50’s, eventually $100 bills,” he said.

“The last amount would only last me a day.”

An addiction that started in the summer continued into the fall of eighth grade. “On the fi rst day of school, I got high be-fore [going]. Nobody noticed.”

“On the second day of school some-one saw me using weed a t the bus stop.”

“The principal called me in and found a pipe in my backpack. I got sus-pended.”

During his suspen-sion, he visited New Connections in Hast-ings, which offers ad-diction counseling for teenagers. But during weekends, “I went to my friend’s house... to do marijuana nearly all day.”

When I asked how his addiction changed his relationship with his family, he said that it hurt him sig-nificantly. “When I went home once my Dad stood at the door and said, ‘Why should I let you in?’”

A counselor at Al-

liance Academy said, “The drug makes you lazy. It’s a disease that sees no boundaries.”

The Alliance Academy student agreed. “It causes depression. Marijuana may bring you one fl oor up but then drops you two fl oors down... I thought it was harmless too - it’s all natural, grown from the ground, right? Marijuana causes schizophrenia and takes away the effect of any anxiety or ADHD medications.”

It is clear that though the health effects of marijuana are extremely detrimental, the strain that it puts on one’s relationship ties are the ul-timate consequence.

Next time you plan on consuming marijuana, instead of thinking of the distant consequences it will have on your health, regard how your actions will affect the people close to you.

Perry Bruder, news editor

Get blazed, lose yourself in the haze

art by: Lydia Gutowsky

regrets recorded by Andrea Kimball, outgoing senior

Sports 5 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439 Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 www.edinazephyrus.com

This past season, senior boys’ hockey cap-tain Matt Nelson decided to pass up the oppor-tunity to play for the Green Bay Gamblers, a USHL (United States Hockey League) junior team. Junior hockey is an amateur league, considered by many a stepping stone to get to professional hockey. Instead of accepting the offer, Nelson stayed back to help win Edina’s 11th State High School Hockey Championship with some of his best friends.

“I told them [Green Bay Gamblers] right from the beginning that I was staying in high school,” said Nelson. He believes passing up that prestigious opportunity was worth it. “There is no better feeling than winning the state championship at this school, with this team.” Nelson also pointed out that staying with Edina impacted him in a positive way. “The coaching staff we have at this school are the best you can get in the country. They taught us so much and truly helped me develop into the hockey player I am today,” said Nelson.

With Nelson’s high school days winding down, he is looking forward to next year, when he will be playing a year with the Gamblers. After Green Bay, Nelson plans to attend Princ-eton University.

While Nelson and the majority of Edina hockey players choose to stay and play high school hockey, some look to further their ca-reer by playing juniors. Among the few from

Edina who have taken this path are senior Louie Nanne and sophomore Jack Walker. Walker left at the beginning of his sophomore year to play for the Victoria Royals, a WHL (Western Hockey League) team located in Canada. “I chose to leave Edina to challenge my abilities and take it to another level,” said Walker.

Walker thinks his decision to play junior hockey helped him in more than just hockey. “Being away from home really makes me have to grow up a bit,” said Walker. Nanne also believes that leaving high school early to play junior hockey in British Columbia helped him become a better player. Nanne, with the help of his future teams (Gophers and Wild) was guided to play in the BCHL (British Columbia Hockey League). “Playing in this league helps make me more ready for college hockey at a quicker pace,” said Nanne.

Nelson, Walker, and Nanne, all excellent hockey players and teammates during Edina’s 2011-2012 season, look to further their hockey careers in different ways, while always sup-porting each other’s decisions and following their achievements, such as the 2013 State Championship. “As much as I was happy for the guys and proud of what they accomplished throughout this year, I couldn’t help but think I could have been there along the way,” said Walker.

Jack Hultstrand, print editor in chief

During the school year, you’re set for sports. But what happens when summer rolls around?

Cross Country: If running is your thing, give cross country a try. When participating, athletes log about fi ve miles a day, six days a week. Be prepared because prac-tices start mid-August, so lace up those sneakers and get ready to run!

Paddle boating: For a relaxed, more laid back activity that can be done with a group of friends, head to Centennial Lakes, or Lake Calhoun. There, paddle boats can be rented for $20 an hour. You can soak up the sun in style while slowly boating around the lake.

Kayaking: For $12 an hour fun, rent a kayak at Lake Calhoun. In this kayak, you’ll be sitting with your legs extended fully forward while using a double-bladed paddle

to propel powerfully or glide gently along. The choice is yours.

Canoeing: The most popular type of ca-

noe is open-decked and uses a single-bladed paddle while sitting upright. Renting one of these comes with the price tag of $19 an hour.

Paddle boarding: Similar to kayaking and canoeing, you use a paddle to push through the water, but this this can be done while sitting,

standing, or kneeling on the board all for the price of $18 an hour.

Beach volleyball: If you love the “sand in between your toes” feel-ing, then beach volleyball just might be your game. BYON (bring your own net) and BYOB (bring your own ball) to one of the two Lake Calhoun courts and all your friends for a great summer afternoon.

Tandem biking: Attention all couples! Perfect date idea: rent a tandem bicycle for $14 an hour, or $40 for the whole day. Display your love to the world as you exercise your way to an endorphin rush. To make it even cuter, bring a picnic and a blanket so a romantic dinner by the lake can be a real life occurrence.

Sarah Aydinalp, in-depth editor

This has been an incredible year for Edina sports. The hockey, tennis, football, swim, and basketball teams all made it to the state tournaments, and the tennis, swimming and hockey teams even won the fi rst place title. These amazing teams have left their mark on the 2012-2013 year, and soon enough, the lacrosse and rugby teams will hopefully be doing the same.

Senior Hayden Anderson, a member of the boys’ varsity hockey team, talked about the team’s legacy. “I think our legacy was that we were a true team. It was a great group of guys and an unbelievably fun and memo-rable season.” After winning the state title this year, following the 2010 state title, Anderson

hopes “our team’s success inspires the younger hockey players in Edina, just as the 2010 team did for us.”

The girls’ tennis team has proven to be an amazing team over the past fi fteen years, and this year was no different. Breaking a national record for number of championships, the girls tennis team can now say they have won state sixteen consecutive times. Caroline Ruwe, a senior on the team, said, “We hope to inspire young kids to play tennis and tryout for the team so the legacy continues!” She also loves the fact that being in sports allows people from different friend groups to come together and unite.

Senior Heather Laedtke helped the girls’

swimming team to win numerous state cham-pionships during her time at EHS. “I think the team’s success furthers the reputation of Edina athletics and encourages people to join the team and participate in the sport,” Laedtke said. Having swum for ten years, Laedtke hopes that her teammates continue to motivate themselves and continue the incredible state tourney legacy she has helped to create.

Edina spring sports have also proven to be an amazing force in the state tournaments. Last year, the ultimate frisbee, rugby and la-crosse team all made it to the state tourna-ment, some even winning the state title. Senior Richard McGowan, a senior on the varsity lacrosse team said, “Making it to the state

tournament last year was awesome. We knew it had never been done before.” McGowan said that the lacrosse team’s success has im-pacted the community greatly, by showing that “perseverance is key.” More students are attending their games, and the team is looking forward to showing that once again, hard work pays off.

Next year’s teams have a lot to live up to, but all of these seniors believe that the legacy will continue. Edina sports are a force to fear, and will continue to inspire the com-munity to support those who are fi ghting for this legacy to stay.

Talia Edelhiet, outgoing senior

be your game. BYON (bring your

ball) to one of the two Lake Calhoun

Gear up for summer sports

Stepping up your game

art by Cici Holmquist

Edina athletics - living up to the legacy

photo courtesy of Jack Walker

Jack Walker taking the ice for the Victoria Royals WHL team.

Opinion8

Zephyrus Sta� editors in chief: Jack Hultstrand, Clare Ling copy editor: Micah Osler art editor: Sarah Nealon managing editor: Hannah Sommerville advertising manager: Alex

Van Gorp news editors: Drew Davis, Perry Bruder features editor: Matt Dulas in-depth editor: Sarah Aydinalp opinion editor: Jackson Tank Van Dyke culture edi-tor: Matt Woolsey outgiong seniors: Andrea Kimball, Ashley Smith, Rayelle Washington, Sloane Nilsen, Anna Ellingboe, Anna Zhou, Hayley Morrison, Christina Dovolis, Talia Edelheit, Jake Freeman head photographer: Bridgit Loeffelholz photographers/artists: Julia Bolter, Jake Freeman, Talia Edelheit, Nick Crain, Talia Edelheit, Tom Gaasedelen, Abby Gieseke, Cici Holmquist, Elizabeth Jarvey, Anna Pugh, Raquel Radenbaugh, Zai Rutter, Jessica Smith, Annika Smith-Ortiz graphic designer: Tom Gaasedelen advisor: Elizabeth Barniskis

Zephyrus is a monthly publication produced by students of Edina High School; 6754 Valley View Road; Edina, MN 55439; (952) 848-3800 x3087. Zephyrus is an open forum for student expression that recognizes the First Amendment guarentee of freedom of the press, and abides by Tinker standard. Opinions published in Zephyrus do not necessarily refl ect the views of the entire staff, advi-sor, administration, or entire student body. Submissions and letters are printed based on space available. Anonymous letters may be printed only if a Zephyrus advisor or editor knows the author’s identity. Letters should be mailed to the school or given to the advisor or a staff member. Zephyrus reserves the right to edit any letters for clarity and length.

www.edinazephyrus.com Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439

Let me start this article by asking you a para-graph of questions. When was the last time that you bought a book from a store that was not Barnes and Noble? When was the last time you bought a CD that was not from Target? What about just buying a CD in general? Where was the last place you went to buy clothes?

What I’m talking about are chain stores. Target, Starbucks, Barnes and Noble, McDon-alds. Not only do they blanket the U.S. (and in some cases the globe), they dominate our lives. They are what we eat, breathe and sleep. How many Starbucks drinks have you purchased in the past month? How many trips to Target did you make? How many meals have you inhaled at McDonalds? I’m guessing over ten for each. Our addiction to the superstore is unhealthy. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk to you about how these chains are simply taking over the world, and how bad it really is.

When the concept of the superstore was originally created, it boomed. Department stores

sprung up like acne on a teen. Fast food restau-rants appeared out of the dust. And what was the effect of this? The growth of obesity, considerate money loss, and, most importantly, the fall of the little guys. You know who I’m talking about. The small, independent bookstores, the music shops, the places where you can rent movies: they have all fallen because of these massive corporations. Those online being the worst. Amazon is the destruction of the economy. It is the cause of job losses. When you buy something online, considerably fewer of people are involved with your purchase than it takes to run any store. But why should you care? Because when businesses fail, people go bankrupt, resulting in job loss, and if I remember correctly, that’s a pretty big issue Americans are facing.

This also demonstrates our laziness. How lazy we are. And not just Americans, humanity itself. Why should we have go to an individual place to buy food, books, and other entertainment? Why can’t we just have it all in one place?

Why can I not cheat on a test?We are all about taking shortcuts, that’s why.Everyday we are searching for the shortcut .

How can I devote the least possible amount of time to fi nish my homework? How can I get by in this class without reading the book? Hopefully SparkNotes will have the summary.

I am asking you these questions because I want to show you that we are all guilty of not supporting the little guys. We are all guilty of taking the shortcut. But part of what it means to be American is to support everyone the best you can.. Although taking shortcuts seems like an easier option, it is the most inconvenient things we do that are often the most important.

Sloane Nilsen, outgoing senior

ATTACK OF THE CHAINSOne writer’s take on why you should shop local

Now that the seniors of Edina High School have decided their future for next year, there is a shared stressor: Should we take out student loans? For some Edina seniors, their families are supporting them greatly in their educational journeys. For the rest, the question of taking out loans to afford college is determining which college they should be attending.

Next year, I am going to New York Univer-sity, planted right in the middle of Washington Square Park, in New York City itself. My family and I had many discussions on the fi nancial worries we each had, but came to the conclu-sion that if this was the school that would set me up for the future I wanted, I needed to go there. We found the total tuition for the four years I would be attending NYU and split up the costs. Due to this agreement, I made the terrifying decision to take out a considerable amount of student loans.

Before this year, I never thought I would take out student loans. But after looking at the schools I applied and was accepted to, I realized it was the smartest option. If I want to become an actress, I need to plant myself in the right place- New York City. Yes, paying off the loans will be years of pinching pennies, but in the end, it will be worth it because I know that NYU is one of the only schools that can give me both the liberal arts and theatre education I need to succeed in life.

For those seniors struggling to make this decision, think about it this way: wouldn’t you rather go to an incredible school that you know will set you up for a successful future, than go to one that has only a class or two you enjoy? I whole-heartedly believe that if you are even considering taking out loans to go to your top choice college, you should do it. College is going to test us in every way possible, but I’d rather be tested for going to my dream college than going to a school I settled for.

Talia Edelheit, outgoing senior

Studentloans:

Are theyworth it?

aart by Annika Smith-Ortiz

Why eat local in the Twin Cities?Your parents just got home from the grocery

store, and you immediately start to rummage through their purchases. Of course, being the health nut you are, you immediately look at the fruit and vegetables. Before eating, you have to peel off the little sticker that shows where the produce is from. The farther away and more exotic the place the better, right?

Wrong. We as consumers forget that millions of gal-

lons of gas are needed to transport our apples from Washington, our oranges from Florida, and our mangoes from South America because our food is so conveniently handed to us in neat little

packages at the supermarket. So, what can we do? Buy local! Farmers’

markets can be found around Edina and the Twin Cities during spring, summer, and early fall months. Go check them out, and feel good knowing that you’re supporting local farmers and helping the planet by reducing the amount of gas used to transport food. Plus, nothing tastes better than recently picked, farm fresh products.

If that’s the case, why not grow something with your own two hands? Senior McKenna Little does exactly that, because she thinks it’s extremely important to know where her food comes from. “I shop at farmer’s markets over

the summer sometimes, but actually, most of the time I just grab veggies and herbs from my own garden.”

If your lack of a green thumb has got you down, have no fear, because the farmers’ markets can supply all your fruit and veggie needs. But what about meat? Next time you’re about to order that double quarter pounder with cheese, keep in mind that it takes a gallon of gas and 2,500 gallons of water to produce one pound of ground beef. Say what?

According to online magazine AlterNet, if everyone in the United States went vegetarian for one day, it would save 100 billion gallons

of water, seventy million gallons of gas, three million acres of land, and thirty-three tons of antibiotics. However, if you choose to eat meat, you can make smarter choices by making sure it is free range, and by selecting antibiotic-free products. Even better, do a quick Google search to fi nd local suppliers of various meats, and pur-chase from them.

Recap time: a little bit goes a long way. Make conscious efforts to buy local, free range, antibi-otic, or pesticide-free foods, and smile knowing you’re getting a fresher, more sustainable product. P.S. Always remember to bring your reusable bag!

Sarah Aydinalp, in-depth editor

Farmers’ markets, home gardening, and how to eat conscientiously

9Opinion 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439 May 17, 2013 Volume 33 Issue 7 www.edinazephyrus.com

A few weeks ago, EHS students took out their No. 2 pencils to take the Minnesota Comprehen-sive Assessment (MCA). Edina students have been taking this test since elementary school, and for most it has just become something normal. However, the standardized tests that kids across the nation have to take require students to think convergently, which doesn’t benefi t them in a world where divergent thinking is a necessary trait.

Divergent thinking can be related to the well-known phrase, “thinking outside of the box,” and these days we can’t afford to overlook the importance of this as we’re faced with so much adver-sity. Thinking creatively helps us in so many ways. For example at school when you need to fi nd an excuse why you didn’t do your homework, or when you’re doing an assignment that requires real world problem solving. It’s thinking about multiple ideas, and using intuition, imagination, and perspective rather than evaluation and selection to solve problems. Many people use the terms “street smart” and “book smart” to defi ne these terms.

To be clear, I’m not in any way saying that convergent thinking isn’t benefi cial. It’s very impor-tant for everyone. What I’m saying is that I’m concerned students are being tested based on what they know, not what they can do. In real life, you’re most likely not going to need to know how to solve imaginary numbers, or the temperature of Earth’s crust (unless you’re planning on being a mathematician or geologist). The skills that you’ll really need are to come up with creative ideas or solve important issues. Last time I checked, the MCA’s don’t test any of that.

It’s no secret that our country is not on top of its game education-wise, and the standardized tests we take are not helping. If anything, they’re affecting many students in a negative way. A 2010 study done by The College of William and Mary showed that scores on the Torrance Test of Creative Thinking have been declining since 1990, which shows that America is facing a major issue.

If schools were allowed to allot more time to work on helping students think divergently as much as convergently, we probably wouldn’t have as big of an issue with education as we have today. There is a major imbalance going on between the two, and that needs to end so students learn how to actually solve problems, not just memorize vocabulary words.

Drew Davis, news editor

Netiquette: basic do’s and don’ts

real world problem solving. It’s thinking about multiple ideas, and using intuition, imagination, and perspective rather than evaluation and selection to solve problems. Many people use the terms

To be clear, I’m not in any way saying that convergent thinking isn’t benefi cial. It’s very impor-tant for everyone. What I’m saying is that I’m concerned students are being tested based on what they know, not what they can do. In real life, you’re most likely not going to need to know how to solve imaginary numbers, or the temperature of Earth’s crust (unless you’re planning on being a

Creative Thinking have been declining since 1990, which shows that America is facing a major issue. If schools were allowed to allot more time to work on helping students think divergently as much

as convergently, we probably wouldn’t have as big of an issue with education as we have today. There is a major imbalance going on between the two, and that needs to end so students learn how to actually solve problems, not just memorize vocabulary words.

Drew Davis, news editor

These days, it seems like just about everything and the kitchen sink can be found online. With so much informa-tion only a click away, it can be hard to distinguish between what’s wrong and right in terms of, well, netiquette. Here, one Zephyrite offers up her opinion on where to draw the line.

RelationshipsDo: Please, by all means, Facebook stalk the heck out

of your crush (or crushes). We don’t care how many hours you spend gazing at their profi le pictures, memorizing the complementary colors of their cover photo, or exchanging fl irty messages via Facebook chat. It fact, we encourage it.

Don’t: One month anniversary statuses, detailed wall posts about your weekend canoodling adventures, or re-ally anything that would make your grandma blush. Senior Grace Meyer describes her frustration with online PDA-ers, “I think that there are some things between couples that they don’t need to share with everyone online. That’s what texting is for.”

PicturesDo: Funny captions, baby pictures, dance albums, heck,

everything! (Well, maybe not everything...see below). Don’t: We’ll skip over the obvious (nekked picz, sexting,

and nekked picz), and get right down to business...albums fi lled with photos and photos of your most recent trip to the Apple store. However, kudos for adding variety by making

duck faces in sepia this time instead of black and white. Also, as tempting as it may be, refrain from sharing those photos in which you look good and the other person looks ridiculous (we’re all guilty).

LanguageDo: Don’t know what to say or how to phrase it? Just

remember: keep things short and sweet. Don’t: Excessively long HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs (we get the point after the fourth syllable or so), TYPING IN ALL CAPS FOR EVERYTHING ALL. THE. TIME, and spitballing obscenities like it’s your day job. Again, remember Grandma. If you’re using language that would make Eminem blush, perhaps rethink before you post.

General usageDo: General rule of thumb: always look before hitting

send (trust me, you’ll thank us someday). Don’t: When having an actual human interaction with

someone (it can happen), don’t be simultaneously using your phone or electronic device. Also, call me old fashioned, but Facebook messages or tweets will never replace the good old thank you note. When in doubt, (hand) write it out!

Our number one, absolutely not okay DON’TCyberbullying. But you already knew that, right?

Clare Ling , online editor in chief

art by Jackson T. Van Dyke

art by Jackson T. Van Dyke

When you talk to someone, basically, you say something, and then those specifi c words you said, run through the other person’s head. They think about the words you say, and they process the meaning of them. Thus, the exact same thing happens when you use a replace-ment for a swear word. When you say an actual swear, inside the person’s head they will think the word, and process the meaning. The exact same thing happens when you replace it with something.

When you say “frack,” “eff,” “effin,” “frick,” “frickin,” “Mother Ducker,” or any other replacement for the word I think we both know I’m discussing, you make the person you are communicating with think of the actual word. There is absolutely no difference be-tween saying the two. So why not eliminate the middle man and just say the word? Oh right, I forgot, you’re too good to use an “actual” swear word. You need to replace it with something that you just tell yourself is better. You can’t just use a swear word, you have to make the person you’re talking to think of it, just as if you actually said it. So, if you’re trying to be pure and innocent by using these replacement swear words, consider changing your ways, and just not swearing.

There is never a situation where you have to use a swear word. Just don’t use it. “I f***ing love it” holds exactly the same meaning as “I really love it,” and guess what. The second one doesn’t try to disguise the swear word as something while still making the person think the word.

Swear words have no reason to be part of anyone’s vocabulary. Saying them doesn’t help you in any way. On the other hand, they are just labeled bad by culture. So if you’re going to use them, feel free. Just don’t be some sort of dishonest fool, and try to disguise the word with some sort of immature nickname. It’s not helping anyone.

Jackson T. `Van Dyke, opinion editor

on unneeded asinine language

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Children left behind

Culture10www.edinazephyrus.com Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439

Childhood unrated

10www.edinazephyrus.com Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439

Childhood

I didn’t watch much TV in my childhood, but when I did, I watched feel-good, wholesome TV, like “Arthur,” “Dragon Tales,” and “Cyberchase” (where I learned math). Basically, the only channel I knew how to turn on was PBS Kids, and when I came to school, I felt like I was the only one who didn’t sing the Spongebob theme song or know the names of the Powerpuff Girls (who I repeatedly and ignorantly called the Powderpoof Girls). Somehow, Netfl ix must have discovered my deprivation, and now both of those shows are available for live streaming. With high hopes, I sat down to watch my fi rst episodes of Spongebob Squarepants and Powerpuff Girls. I ended up with a lot more questions than I started out with.Spongebob Squarepants:• What’s up with the creepy pirate painting?• Spongebob lives in “Bikini Bottom?” Seriously?• Why is everything so bendy... why do their arms, legs, and

literally everything they pick up fl ex?• Why does Patrick cry all the time?• How do all the characters have sweat fl ecks fl ying off of them so

much if they’re underwater?• Does Spongebob only own one outfi t? Does Spongebob own

any shirts that actually cover his chest?• Why does Spongebob live in a pineapple? Is that symbolic?• Is Spongebob physically capable of doing anything right the fi rst

time?Powerpuff Girls:• So the powerpuff girls get their power from “chemical x?” Like

x chromosomes? Like GIRL POWER?!• How do their eyes take up 90% of their faces? Follow up: I

guess everyone in this show is strangely proportioned.• How do they stay in the air so long? Can they fl y?• What world is this set in? How can people have pointy teeth and

forked tongues and green skin?• Why do they show kids crying and getting beaten up? Scary!• Is Buttercup always such a wuss, or was it just the episode I

watched?• Why is this show so violent? Maybe these shows are things that you can only watch as kids, when you don’t question them. Maybe I don’t just get it. Do people still watch these shows? Email edinazephyrus273@gmail.com if you can answer my questions.

Andrea Kimball, outgoing senior

Sober pub fun

Well-known fact: pubs serve alcohol and some sort of fi sh and chips. Well-kept secret: pubs also feature en-cyclopedia shows and poetry slams.

Kieran’s Pub on First Avenue downtown held The Encyclopedia Show on April 21. The pondering reader may ask, “What’s that?” According to the MC, it’s “a mix of storytelling, stand-up comedy, presentations, music, poetry, and there’s a lot of other things you might see.” This month’s theme? Wyoming. How can you have an entertaining two hour long show about Wyoming? Easy. Good Kiddie Cocktails and chips (aka fries). On top of that; entertaining hosts, obscure acts, unscripted humor, and audience interaction.

Throughout the night, Clinton jokes were tossed around, Wyoming-esque phrases were used more times than ever thought to be possible (“this ain’t my fi rst rodeo”), and vampires may or may not have been mentioned. An offi cial fact checker happened to be present. How he checked his facts, no one really knows, but he brought a whole lot of humor to the show. He was like the referee at ComedySportz, an interactive improv show. Really, this whole event was the stranger and even more underground version of that popular Minneapolis comedy show.

When a woman read a poem about geysers and cried, “the bigger the better,” the fact checker replied saying that that was indeed a fact because he enjoys Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. How he came up with a joke about “The Rock” so quickly is a mystery to us all. By the end of the show, there were twenty-one “true facts” about Wyoming and a mere fourteen “lies,” leaving the Encyclopedia show a success.

The show also included a hilarious revamp of a scene from the Oscar-winning movie, “Brokeback Mountain.” Two impersonators decided that the main characters would not be played by Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, but rather, they’d be portrayed by Adam West and William Shatner. They could not have been more spot-on with their imitations.

An obnoxious dance routine to “Cotton-Eyed Joe” was performed, and there was even a mockumentary-esque video about fi nding elves in Wyoming. As long as Wyoming was somehow related to the performance, it was welcomed into the show.

Kieran’s also features poetry slams on the fi rst and fourth Tuesday and spoken word showcases every second Tuesday of each month. Next month’s Encyclopedia Show’s theme is the circus. The Encyclopedia Show occurs on the second to last Sunday every month. The best news is, each event is under ten dollars! You get a chance to see a live show and get some good grub for less than the price of a movie and popcorn at Southdale. Sweet deal, right?

Megan Couture, outgoing culture editor; Sarah Aydinalp, in-depth editor

art by Julia Bolter

photo by Ellie Lagorio

art by Tom Gaasedelen

The art of taking sel� es

Duck Face:This new classic has a hint of sass along with a side of stop trying so hard. Let’s

be honest, this one needs to go.OMG I’m So Excited I’m Going to Open My Mouth and Look Super

Happy Face:This one is my personal go-to pose because of its easy accessibility and the

infectious happiness that comes with it. For an extra fl are, you can throw in a wink to make it a little more fl irty and fun.

Selfi es are great because they are real life emoji’s, you can portray any emotion while having fun with it!

Ellie Lagorio, outgoing senior

The art of taking selfi es is not as easy as it looks. There are many different aspects that you have to take into consideration when tak-ing one. Here’s a guide to some staple selfi es that will come in handy.

The Fishy Face:This classic has been around forever and is

the perfect quick pose to use when in a rush. It’s as simple as it sounds: Suck your cheeks in and open your eyes; BOOM fi shy face.

Awkward Smile When Trying to Look Pretty Face:When you’re trying to impress that special

someone, an innocent smile is a great selfi e op-tion that can really show your true colors. Pull the signature head tilt and give them your most heart stopping smile. Next thing you know, you could be dating that special someone.

Kissy Face:This is a very versatile and fl irty pose that

can be used in various situations. It can be a hint to a crush that you’re into them or a nice meaningless reminder to a friend that you love them!

Puppy Dog Face:This pouty look is a great way to get people

to cave into doing whatever you want. It gives off a sense of innocence that’s hard to say no to.

DIY: craft edition

Love reading? Hate it? Wish you could de-scend back into the sweet, sweet embrace of il-literacy just to escape it?

Frankly, you’re sort of on your own if you’re in the last two categories. Maybe go watch TV or drive around aimlessly or something. But if you love the written word, whether it be a postmodern novel or a gripping billboard or the nutrition facts on the back of a bag of Cheetos, you’ll know that feeling of limitless possibility that comes with summer: you’ve essentially got as much read-

ing time as you could ever want. Bliss, indeed.But wait! Reading requires books! What’s

that, you say? You don’t have any books to fi ll summer’s gaping maw? Well, fear not, gentle reader, for, as always, Zephyrus is here to cram your mind with knowledge ‘n’ such! Behold: our Not-Quite-Annual Summer Reading List!

The Mysterious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time

I suppose the adjective to describe this would

be “quirky”, although “brilliant” works too. In short, it’s a Sherlock Holmes-inspired mystery set in early-2000s Great Britain narrated by an autistic teenager, and somehow it all comes together in a joyously weird way.

Pretty much anything from Vonnegut’s classic period

By which I mean “Cat’s Cradle”, “Slaugh-terhouse-Five”, “God Bless You, Mr. Rose-water”, etc. Vonnegut was a mad genius of literature if there ever was one, and his books somehow strike the perfect balance between readability and meaning. Plus, aliens.

The Devil In The White CityIn 1893, Chicago was home to a ton of

world firsts, the Ferris wheel and the serial killer chief amongst them. Sure, both of these had precursors throughout history, but the World’s Colombian Exposition modernized and showcased both the most playful and the most gruesome humans could be. “The Devil In The White City” doesn’t read anything like the nonfi ction book it is, though– more like an exquisitely plotted novel by a surprisingly perceptive author.Cloud AtlasTwo reasons to read “Cloud Atlas”: First of

all, bragging rights. It’s postmodern and crit-ics love it, so if you’re looking for a way to up your literary street cred, this is it. Secondly, and more importantly, it’s awesome. It’s not really a novel but six interlocking novellas, ranging from a faux-historical journal ostensibly from the 1830’s (plug through – it’s worth it) to a sci-fi epic in way-future Korea, and they’re all great in their own rights. Put together, they’re extraordinary.

11/22/631. It’s Stephen King. 2. It’s about time travel.

3. It’s about the Kennedy assassination. 4. It’s one of the best thrillers I’ve ever read. 5. It’s actually about way more than the Kennedy assassination. 6. Go read it.

Fargo Rock CitySomehow, some way, this is a book that will

make you care about hair metal. Chuck Klos-terman is a social critic as much as he is a rock critic, and this half-memoir of his KISS-fi lled childhood in North Dakota is really just a sur-prisingly perceptive look at the ’80s and early ‘90s, seen through the lens of one of its trashiest products. Also, it’s hilarious.

Where’d You Go, Bernadette?Speaking of hilarious: this is probably the

funniest book I’ve read in years. It’s by one of the head writers of “Arrested Development”, if that gives you any clue. It’s in large part about the bizarre land of Seattle, but seeing as they share enormous Scandinavian populations and a close proximity to Canada (a nation whose residents irk the eponymous Bernadette so much), her takedown could just as easily be applied to Minneapolis.

The Space Presidents Who Went to Con-quer the Moon

It’s about how Abraham Lincoln and George Washington went to the moon in 1965 to conquer it from the aliens that lived there. Now go and buy it.

Micah Osler, copy editor

Culture 11 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439 Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 www.edinazephyrus.com

With wind, snow, and rain rotating on a random cycle this spring, who knows what the summer will bring? If a day leaves you without a chance for outdoor activities, don’t worry, Zephyrus has got you covered with only the best of the best DIY arts and crafts that are sure to relieve you from the dread of gloomy weather.

Create a cool picture frameSeniors, you only have so much time

left at home, so why not frame a picture of yourself to have all your loved ones re-member you by? Jazz up the picture frame by wrapping a piece of fabric around it to give it a little fl air. Simply put superglue on a piece of fabric and wrap the fabric around the frame several times. Get even artsier by trying multiple fabrics.

Make unpoppable bubblesThis simple trick adds a cool and new

twist to bubble blowing (and no, this is not only for children, bubbles are for ev-eryone). Combine

• six cups of water• one cup corn starch• two cups of regular dish soap Then mix them up into a container,

fi nd a bubble wand, and have some fun.

Mix your own matte nail polishLadies, this is simple and cheap! Rather

than buying a whole new nail polish to keep with the new matte stywle, fi nd an old, broken eye shadow and grind it up to make sure the powder is very fi ne. Then, mix it into an old bottle of clear coat nail polish to make your own new color.

Hayley Morrison, outgoing senior

It’s that time of year again. The sun is shining, the kids are laughing, and the smell of barbecue is in the air. That’s right, it’s getting closer to summer, and life is easy. Or at least it will be when you steal these four fast and easy tips for your next backyard barbecue.

Margarita chicken:This fresh and light dish fl avored with limes and chili is

perfect for summer entertaining. The chicken is wonderful served hot off the grill, but it also tastes great cold or at room temperature, sliced and tossed into a salad of mixed greens.

Backyard Baby Back Ribs Senior Dagny LeMunyon is having a barbecue for her

grad party. She spices up her baby backs with a fl avor-packed mixture of dark brown sugar, chili powder, garlic, thyme, cayenne pepper and allspice.

Grilled Fruit Kabobs with Honey Lime Yogurt DipThe best fruits to grill are ones with that are more fi rm,

such as apples, peaches, or pineapple. Serve with a cool dip for a great ending to a summer meal.

Simplify the sundaeObviously the best part of any meal is the dessert. To

make easy sundae treats, just dip each cone in melted white or milk chocolate and roll in tiny marshmallows, coconut fl akes, chopped nuts, crushed cookies, or candy chips. Set out a selection of ice cream fl avors chilled in a tub of ice, and dessert is done — without you taking a single order.

Anna Zhou, outgoing senior

Your summer reading list

Photo by Jake Freeman

Photos courtesy of Pintrest

Photo by Jake Freeman

photo by Jake Freeman

www.edinazephyrus.com Volume 33 Issue 7 May 17, 2013 6754 Valley View Rd. Edina, MN 55439

12THE LIVES THEYWOULD’VE LIVED

John Lennon once said, “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.” Oh, John, how full of wisdom you were. However, we couldn’t help but wonder: where would our senior staffers be had they not joined Zephyrus? After extensive research in an alternate universe (noth-ing Zephyrus can’t handle!), we’ve found the answer. But beware, some are not as pretty as you might think. If one thing’s for sure though, it’s this: seniors, you will be missed!

Talia: Talia Edelheit, following a bizarre series of surgeries, fi nally accomplished her life’s dream and became a songbird. She currently resides in a tree in Indianapolis, where she annoys locals by singing loudly at 4 a.m., regurgitates worms to her 29 chicks, and oc-casionally migrates south.

Hayley: Hayley Morrison, inspired by Talia Edelheit’s bizarre series of surgeries, invested in an equally in-novative new procedure that transformed her hu-man body into that of a pig. She now resides in Edina’s local barn, practicing can-nibalistic tendencies so that she can fi nally have access to a satisfactory amount of bacon.

Ellie: Ellie Lagorio, after being proclaimed m i s s i n g f o r t h r e e years, was revealed to have been the legend-ary goatman haunting Beltsville, Maryland, since 2010. Wielding a blood-stained axe and wearing a goat-hair cov-ered cardigan, Lagorio returned to Edina in hopes of treatment, but soon discovered a new appetite for pigs. Look out Hayley Morrison!

Vivi: After being insp i red by the book “Water for Elephants,” Vivi Engen runs away from home with the hope of becoming an elephant trainer. However, after acci-dently joining a low-budget circus from “the wrong side of the tracks,” she is forced to settle for training particularly stubborn donkeys.

Sloane: Sloane Nilsen followed his dreams and moved to New York to become a wayfaring street musician under the pseudonym “Hermione Gryffi ndor, Jr.” He currently resides under the Lincoln Tunnel.

Jake: Jake Freeman jumped a freight-train to the far-off land of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, at the age of fi fteen and a half. To this day, he maintains his daily routine of waking up at 5:00 a.m. to feed the cows so he can have time to study animal psy-chology throughout the afternoon. It is his hope that someday he could become the cow whis-perer and have his own reality show.

Andrea: Andrea Kim-ball, after decades posing as a Midwestern girl, was fi nally unmasked as the accursed demon respon-sible for uncountable tragedies, including but not limited to the 1929 stock-market crash, global warming, and the inexplicable success of Ke$ha in spring 2012. She currently resides in Colorado’s Supermax federal prison.

AVG: AVG found his way to the native island of Hialewa where he supported a military coup and took power. His authoritarian regime con-trols everything from clothing choice to favorite soccer player.

Christina: Christina Dovolis, after slay-ing the fearsome many-headed demon that made its lair deep within EPAC, was drawn up to Olym-pus on a solid gold chariot and, upon a rechristening by Zeus himself, became Christina, Goddess of Minor Home Repair and Radio-Friendly Country Music.

Rayelle: Rayelle moved to Moscow in search of Vladimir Putin. When he was discovered dead, she was crushed and moved to the fearsome jungles of extreme Southeast Asia to live out the rest of her life in total, heartbroken solitude.

Anna: Anna El-lingboe moved to Taiwan to join an elite training pro-gram for badmin-ton. She is current-ly at an undisclosed location in Asia battling badminton-based evil.

Anna Z and Ashley: Anna Zhou and Ashley Smith ran off to the United Kingdom to become part of the highly prestigious Potato Council. For years they were the ladies behind the “Potato Ladies” Twitter account. They now live a half mile apart in the mountains of North Dakota. Anna lives with her 145 cats and two dogs, and Ashley continues to add to her ex-tensive collection of antique soda cans.

photos by Bridgit Loe� eholz