•More poop than you can handle!

• Pictures to disturb you!

•UFO pic’s whoo..scary.

•Exclusive photos of your mother naked!

• The latest O.J. photos!

•Articles to entertain.. maybe.

•Letters from readers!

•And words from people we’d like to have as sponsors.

Door From HellThe

Volume 1: Issue 1October 1998

OUR STAFF

PUBLISHER..................................ED BURTONPRESIDENT..................................ED BURTONVICE PRESIDENT........................ED BURTONPHOTOGRAPHY..........................ED BURTONREPORTER...................................ED BURTONWRITER.........................................ED BURTONGRAPHICS....................................ED BURTONSECURITY.....................................ED BURTONANIMAL TRAINER.....................ED BURTONSPECIAL EFFECTS.....................ED BURTONPROMOTIONS..............................ED BURTONKING..............................................ED BURTONKEY GRIP......................................ED BURTONASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..ED BURTONSCOUT............................................ED BURTONMOST LIKELY TO GET SUED..ED BURTONCAPTAIN OF THE USSENTERPRISE...........................JAMES T. KIRK

all photos are copywrited either by meor someone else. 1998 by me, ealier byothers.

TABLE OFCONTENTS

2. TABLE OF CONTENTS

3. MISC. PIC’S

4. LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER

5. UFO’S

6. FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS.

7/8. YER MOM.

9. EXPLANATION OF TIME AND DIMENSIONS.

10. MISC. PIC’S

11. LETTERS FROM OUR READERS.

12. O.J. PHOTOS.

13. RAMBLINGS.

14. LAST PAGE PHOTO.

MOVIESLeft: GilGerard stars asBuck Rogers,with Erin “I’dstill do her”Grey in therun-awaysmash hit“Uncle Buck.”

Left: Princess Leia (Carrie“I’d still do her” Fisher) andHan Solo (Harrison Ford)share top secret informationin the summerdisappointment “CabinBoy.”

A NoTe FrOm OuRPubLiSheR

Welcome to the very first ever issue of “The Door FromHell.” If you’re wondering where the name came from, well,it was the title of one of the very first films I ever made, withmy good friend Matt Fuller. It was a horrifying story of a doorthat kills people. I mean, sure, that’s possible, right? Wouldn’tyou get pissed off too if you just had to stand there all daygetting your knob fondled by every person that goes by? Ok,well, sure, it sounds fine at first, but I think it would get reallyannoying really quick-like. ANYHOW, the goal of the folkshere at “Door from Hell” is to bring you the weirdest thingswe can. Some might be real, some might be fake, hopefullyyou’ll learn something either way. Send us letters, and money,and pictures of yourself naked, and we’ll continue to bringyou the most obnoxious stuff we can find, and possibly schoolyou in the ways of the unknown, and hopefully not get suedin the process.

- ED BURTON Publisher

This is apicture ofTom Baker,(Dr. Who)not ourbelovedpublisher.

Photo courtesy of STARLOG

UFO Pic’s

Above and left: Clearevidence that UFO’s doexist. These photos weretaken by high rankingmembers of society. Theydo not appear to be altered,or fakes.

FROM THEEAT’N’PARK JOURNALS

Eat’n’Park. The spot on the“Explanation of Time andDimensions Chart” that isalways constant. Its the“Safety zone” to escape fromtime. Once inside, Time willstop. Its the dumpster onthe Path. It moves along withyou. Everyone. Everyone hasthe Eat’n’Park. They stop in,then leave. For others, theystop in, and forget. Theystay. This place eats theirsense of time, over a period,it may even eat their souls. Sooner or later you areimmune to events outsideof Eat’n’Park. There is onlythe “Park.” And now I amhere. Lost. Floating. I needto find my footing again. Girl. Girl in front of me.Back to me. Don’t turnaround. I’m not interested.Must appear busy.

Busy. Oi. I’ve been in thisspot for close to an hournow. Nothing exciting hashappened. Ahhhhhhhh....coffee has kicked in!!No . . longer . .able . . to s i t...still...!!! No more patiencew i t h t h i s w r i t i n gnonsense!Getting close toj i t t e r y ! e r r r r ! N e e dc a l m i n g . . . o n l y o n eantidote..but no! ARRGHH!!!I’m lost. Staring. Fidgetty.Keep checking the door.Why? I don’t know.Suddenly want to destroythings. Energy. I am Energy-Man. Stand aside evil wrongdoers. My energy willdominate. My secret superserum - caffeine! Caffeinemakes my mind working inimpossible ways. To thinkthe unthinkable, to dreamthe impossible..hmmm..needmore coffee.

END

2.25.9710:35pm

Rare Photo of your Mom

The Explanation of Time and Dimensions

MUSIC

Above:Members ofOasis,at theJustice of thePeace, wherethey were allmarried toeach other.

Left: Garbageperforms forlocal teamsters.

This is where the Letters from ourReaders would go, but this is thefirst issue, so there aren’t anyreaders at this point. Well, otherthan me. I’m the proofreader. I readeverything. So I guess I could sendin a letter. I would say, this piece ofcrap is not worth wiping your asswith. Its full of horse-shit. Thearticles are not informative, orinteresting at all. The only goodthing is that the words are all spelledwrite. well, at leest thay were whenI cared. I doant give a rat’s assanymore about this rag, i’ve beenwaiting for a raise four like, 5months now, adn haven’t seen jackshit. screw this. i’m going to get ajob somewhare where i ’mappreciated. like, NASA...or a REALpublicashion. i don’t think this damnthing even makes a profit. i’m outtahere....- the proof-readre.

Been Wondering What OJ’sBeen Up To Lately??

We Have The Answers.

Apparently OJ’sbeen busy

chillin’ with theGoldmans.

These pic’s arethe proof. Itappears Mr.

Goldman isn’treally as angry

as he would likeus to believe.

The monstrous beastlumbered towards the tableof unknowing diners. Fourto be exact. Sitting togetherfor approximately fiveminutes now. They talkpleasantly for a time. “Can I get you somethingto DRINK!?” the monsterbellowed taking all four bysurprise. “Uh, sure,” starts onecustomer, “I’ll just have acoffee.” “Tough shit!” replies thewaitress and bites the entirehead of the customer cleanoff. “Anyone else?” she snaps,whilst blood dribbles fromthe corners of her mouth.The muffled crunching ofskull is clearly audible.Horrified, the other threecustomers jump to attention.One man grabs two forksand lunges for the beast. Hetrips over the headlesscorpse of his friend and falls,landing at the feet of thedemon waitress. He looks upat it’s bloody face, to see herthrow her head back and letout a deafening bellow.

She reaches down and ripsthe man’s head from historso and quickly devourshis cranium, like a ripenedmelon. Blood is everywhere.The other two customershave decided they’rehelpless at this point, andrun for the door. They’refast, but not fast enough.The server is quicklygaining. I thought fast.Glancing at their table i spota knife. I grab the unsharpbutter knife, and launch itat the creature. It finds itsmark at the back of theneck, the base of the skull.The evil being screeches inhorror, and falls. I walk upto the beast as it flails on thefloor in a pool of blood, andreach down to retrieve myknife. I yank it out andproceed to tear through itstough flesh, until the headis completely severed. I thentake the head in my handssit down at my table, eatit.and leave. No tip wasfound at MY table. Fuckin’waitresses. END

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