I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a situation where you ... · I’m sure you’ve found...
Transcript of I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a situation where you ... · I’m sure you’ve found...
I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a situation where you and your man are
arguing about something that has been blown way out of proportion.
You don’t remember how or why it got to this point; all you know is that
you’re right, and he is wrong!
In many relationships, the partners get so focused on being right that they
turn the relationship into a competition.
Instead of working cooperatively, they are constantly trying to score points
against each other.
Their relationship turns adversarial.
This chapter will talk about how and why arguments develop, how to
defuse them, and ultimately, how to never argue again.
In order to eradicate arguments from your relationship, we need to figure
out the root causes.
We often end up in arguments where we fight about things we don’t even
care about. We just keep reliving old arguments or trying to put points on
the scoreboard.
We want to break these patterns. If you suddenly make a huge shift in how
you communicate with your partner, he might be initially suspicious. If you
guys have been fighting for a long time, it will take a little while to break
that pattern. But we can do it together!
When you start to change your pattern, he
will go through a period of doubt. At first
he might be thinking that you are trying
out a new fight strategy.
Over time he will realize that your sincerity
is genuine. He will then start to follow your
lead. Change is possible, and you can
eliminate the fighting from your
relationship.
Let’s say an argument begins to brew when you or your partner have low
self-esteem on that particular day. There are a lot of things than can cause
this.
Maybe you are having financial
problems, a bad day at work, feel
restless, or just an offhand comment
might set you off.
When one of you is filled with
negative feelings, that person might
lash out at the other. Sometimes we do this as a way of deflecting away
blame for a mutual problem.
Sometimes we just want our partner to be as unhappy as we are. Misery
loves company. Very few people in a bad mood will keep it to themselves.
Men have a tendency to respond to arguments according to patterns. We
can unpack these patterns and predict how a man will respond to different
types of arguments.
When you combine this general knowledge about men with your specific
experiences with your partner, his responses become extremely predictable.
Volume is a key factor in not only arguments, but also regular
conversations. You will want to try your best to match the volume that he is
using.
He will see a raised voice as a challenge, and an obviously lowered one as
patronizing.
It can be very challenging when he is being aggressive or shouting. You
might be tempted to shout as loudly as him, just to be heard.
But the reality is that when people are shouting, they have shut their own
ears. They aren’t listening to anything.
Instead, you want to lower your voice. Speak softly and calmly and try to
defuse the situation.
Men and women may start arguments in the same way, but they have a
tendency to escalate them differently. When a woman feels frustrated
about problems at work, her relationships, or is just in a bad mood, she
likes to vent.
This means women want to have somebody hear and acknowledge what’s
bothering them, but don’t want a solution or a “discussion” from it.
The problem comes when men see this venting as an opportunity to be
“helpful” by offering solutions or advice.
Men see conversations as a place to discuss problems and find solutions.
They often don’t realize that for women, the conversation itself is cathartic.
They aren’t seeking “advice.” They just someone who will listen.
To a woman, a man offering unwanted advice is at best patronizing, and at
worst, aggressive.
Arguments can easily break out from this misunderstanding.
There are also the situations where a woman is legitimately feeling really
crappy about something and just wants to bring down those around her.
She might be feeling miserable and wants her to man to share in that
feeling.
A lot of arguments are started unintentionally. They start with two people
having a conversation with different goals.
Men can turn a venting session or an uncomfortable mood into a fullblown
confrontation via miscommunication.
They start offering unwanted advice, the
woman feels unheard, he feels she ignores
his wisdom and the argument ensues.
Let’s say that an argument is brewing in
the Brentfield household. John Brentfield
and Sally Brentfield have just finished eating a lovely meal and are about to
clean up.
John: That was lovely, Sarah, you should make meatballs more often!
Sally: Thanks, but you know how I feel about making pasta…
John: Well, I’m glad you did today. It makes a nice change from stir-fry all
the time.
Sally: So you don’t like my stir-fry?
John: That’s not what I said… it’s just nice having a change, you know?
Sally: Well howbout you wash the dishes for a change, then?
John: Huh?
Sally: You seem to like change so much, so why not let me sit my ass on
the sofa while you wash up instead of me?
John: I washed the dishes twice this week!
Sally: Yeah, but you didn’t cook at all.
John: Well maybe you should say something instead of giving me a bunch
of sarcastic hints all the time!
Sally: I’m saying something now, aren’t I?
John: Yeah, you are… so what exactly are you saying?
Sally: What do you mean?
John: You’ve been on my case all week… first it was driving the kids to
school and now this!
Sally: You always do this, John!
John: Do what?
Sally: Try to find excuses not to do your fair share of work around the
house.
John: So you think I need to do your job as well as work at the office from
9 to 5, huh?
Sally: Do MY job? I’d like to see your fat ass try to clean this house…
anyway… I HAVE a job—
John: Working part time at the library is hardly a job…
Sally: How dare you! That job kept us in our house while you were sitting
on your ass for six months after you got fired!
(And so on…)
Here we can see that Sally and John clearly have some relationship issues
that they need to work out.
Work, home and commitment-related issues often come up as “point
scorers” in arguments. Each person in the argument will attempt to “one
up” the other in terms of what they have done wrong.
They fail to realize that this just leads to unnecessary escalation.
Sally is clearly unhappy about constantly having to cook and wash up. She
feels as though John isn’t doing his part.
Sally, who doesn’t like making pasta, feels as though John is taking her
cooking for granted; the way he casually “likes the change” sparked
something in Sally.
From this point on, the argument gets
worse and worse, with more and more
issues being brought up by both sides. A
fight of this scale will likely cause some
serious damage to the relationship.
The question is…. how do you avoid arguments like these?
They can get started from the simplest comment. Did you notice that the
argument started with John trying to give a compliment about dinner?
As mentioned before, arguments mostly arise from somebody having low
esteem about something.
One of the best ways to spot an argument before it begins is by noticing
how your partner is feeling.
Did he come home from work and sit down without saying a word to you?
Did he do something out of the ordinary, like ignoring the newspaper he
normally reads every day?
Is he fidgeting or doing something else that shows he’s nervous or
stressed?
These are all signs that something is on
his mind that is important enough to
interrupt his regular routine.
While it may be something as simple as
being late for work, or tonight’s football
game being cancelled, there is a good
chance that an offhand comment could trigger an argument.
When your partner is showing signs of stress, you want to be especially
gentle.
If he walks in and you would normally greet each other with a friendly “hi
honey,” but today he just mumbles “hey,” then you need to take note and
watch out for other signs.
Men tend to turn internal when they are feeling stressed or upset. So if he
starts talking less and less, that could be a sign that he is bottling up his
feelings.
When you see the signs of an impending argument, or the conversation
seems to be getting a bit heated…. stop.
Think about the situation you are in. What could be on your partner’s
mind? What could be troubling him?
Instead of falling into the trap of arguing, focus on turning his mood upside
down. Put your pride to the side and don’t worry about scoring points or
“winning the argument.”
Just ask him how you can help. You need to make sure that you say it
softly, but firmly—don’t come off as sarcastic or demanding.
If he responds positively, try to get him to sit down with you in a relaxed
setting. Let him know that he can open up to you.
He can vent his frustrations as long as he doesn’t turn them on you. Listen
to his feelings and wait for him to finish before you offer any advice. If you
are the cause of his frustration, try to find a solution together without
getting emotional.
Imagine that your boyfriend sits down with you and says that he doesn’t
like the way you compare him to his friends.
He is letting you know that instead of building up his self-esteem you are
knocking him down. He is not getting the affirmation he needs.
You want to find a way to alter your behavior so that you stop belittling
him. You may compare him to his more successful friends as a way to
encourage him to improve himself.
But now you know that your plan is backfiring. Be willing to adapt and
understand his feelings. Focus on complimenting the areas where you think
he excels.
You can use a similar approach in most confrontations. Often the argument
is not about what you think it is about.
By avoiding going for points or becoming overly emotional, you can dig
down to why he is really upset. Once you get to the root cause, finding a
solution becomes possible.
Sometimes the cause of an argument is just something silly and not
something serious. When that happens you want to take a slightly different
approach.
If it’s your fault, then you clearly need to express regret for what you’ve
done. Even if he is overreacting to a minor mistake on your part.
Sometimes the most important thing we can do is focus on making our
partner feel better. If it’s important to him, then it has to be important to
you.
Offer to help, fix, or replace whatever has been broken. If you accidentally
overcooked his food, offer to make him something else.
If it’s nothing that you can help him with, or he doesn’t want your help, just
let him know that you’re there if he needs you for anything, then give him
some space.
After he has calmed down you can offer him reassurance that you still love
and respect him.
Arguments aren’t just going to disappear overnight. Change takes time and
work.
For now, you will need to simply focus on minimizing the damage from
arguments.
The more you reduce the atmosphere of conflict, the closer you get to the
point where arguments are completely avoidable.
Some language is extremely toxic.
There are certain things that you can
simply never unsay.
When you know each other really well
you have the ability to say things that
are very damaging. You want to avoid
phrases that erode the foundation of your relationship.
Dangerous Phrases To Avoid
These toxic phrases can instantly plunge you and your partner into an ugly
argument:
“I told you so.”
Even if you’re technically right, “I told you so” is a phrase that leaves a
lasting, stinging impression. It feels terrible when someone has to point out
your mistakes.
These four words are like a knife covered in poison and the pain can linger
for a long time. The only reason to use this phrase is to score points; to
prove that you were right and he was wrong. We don’t want to go down
that path anymore.
“You would think that.”
This comes across as extremely negative and derogatory. You are saying
that you are smart and he is dumb. That he is yet again making a stupid
decision.
This phrase attacks both his intelligence and his decision-making process.
You are basically attacking the core of his identity. The only purpose of this
phrase is to cause pain.
“Shut up!”
There is no time when this phrase is a good idea. It basically invalidates all
of his thoughts. You are saying that there is nothing he could say right now
that could possibly interest you or change your opinion.
It’s brutal. You hate it when people say this to you. If you want to end the
confrontation, there are better and more constructive ways to do that. Just
say you are exhausted of fighting and need a break.
“You always do this.”
These words will sear him like a hot poker. The first time you use this one,
you will see the change come over his face.
As soon as you use the words “always” or “never” in an argument, you have
changed the tone. It’s nearly a declaration of war.
It’s a statement of permanent fault. You are saying that he has always
had this flaw and that he can never change it. This is a real relationship-
buster.
“You’re just like my ex…”
Nobody wants to be compared to
an ex. This is a way of punishing
him for the crimes of another man.
If he hasn’t thought about leaving
you before, he is thinking about it
right now.
Now he knows that you fight dirty. You are still thinking about your ex even
when you are with him. That’s a big deal for men.
“We need a break.”
This basically says to him, “we are finished and I am seeing other men.” He
will take this as complete and utter failure.
You might mean that you want a few days apart, but that is not what he
hears. For men a break is the same as a breakup. Never say this unless you
are 100% serious about ending the relationship.
“You’re lucky to have me.”
Blaming luck for someone’s success is always mean. It’s a way of
discounting their efforts.
Sometimes people like to tell a man that he’s lucky to have such an
amazing girlfriend. Whether it is you or a stranger using this dirty word, it is
nothing less than an attack on the man. It’s a way of saying that you are
better than him.
How would you feel if he told you that you weren’t good enough for him?
Awful. Don’t do it. It’s downright mean.
Conflict Reversal
Stop looking at arguments as a chance to prove that one of you is right and
one of you is wrong. Your goal should always be to find resolution. You
are partners and that should always be your mindset.
How can we find a solution that pleases both of us? Ask yourself that at the
beginning of each argument. These fights spring from thinking of you as
two different people with different goals. Focus on thinking of yourselves as
a team.
When you get caught up in the emotions
of the moment, you may be tempted to
try and win the argument.
Just calm down and focus on the long
term. Instead of winning the argument
today, focus on making your relationship
last a lifetime.
While there will always be
disagreements
and petty conflicts in every relationship, arguments are not necessary.
Using these strategies, you can eventually get to the point where you never
argue again. It may sound like a fantasy, but with enough understanding
and practice, you can defuse every argument before it even begins!