I did not sign up for this –Communicating with Difficult People

(And that may be you)!

Eldeen E Pozniak

CHSC, CHSMSA, CRSP, MIIRSM, CMISOH

Role of OHC members

• Legislated roles

– Investigations,

– Inspections,

– Communication of information,

– Alternative means for dealing with issues,….

• Communication & Dealing with Issues ! !

Hazard, Risk, & Control Communication

Some frustration sets in when People do not understand your role,…..

• Clear terms of reference,

– communicated & known,…

• Clear process for dealing with issues & concerns,…..

• Seen as a cohesive team for “Safety”,…

Reflective Moment,… • Think of a recent conflict with a

difficult person

• What was the situation? – Who was involved– How did they act– How did you respond

• Were you pleased with the outcome?

• Is there a more effective way?

Why do we not like difficult people,…

• Because it create conflict in our lives, our programs,…. Stresses us out

Give you some tools to

look at,…

Deal with,….

Difficult People Differently

I can transform any stressful situation into something positive

• There is no reason why we can’t think of something positive that will result from even the most stressful situation,….

…….At least it could be worse

A Few Principles to Remember

• Gain Control –control the things you can control, so you

can effectively manage the things you can’t control

–What can you control & what can’t you control?

• Feeling that we have control over events in our lives is probably the most single important attitude necessary to turn negative stress into positive stress.

–Often negative stress is not caused so much by job pressure or working with that difficult person, but rather by feeling that situations & events are beyond our personal control

Why are you talking about stress,… & control,…

Because it is the biggest reason for why people become difficult,…

Why do we not like difficult people,…

• Because it create conflict in our lives, our programs,…. Stresses us out

• Conflict exists when one person has a need of another person or situation and that need is not being met,… a disagreement,…

• “They are not doing what we need them to do”,….

Why is this Important?

Why do we not like difficult people,… • Because it create conflict in our lives, our programs,….

• Conflict exists when one person has a need of another person or situation and that need is not being met,… a disagreement,…

• “They are not doing what we need them to do”,….

• Difficult behavior of a person is often a result of psychological needs for control, recognition, affection, approval, & respect,…. & I’m just a committee member, a safety gal,…

You have Options

• Stay & Do Nothing

• Get away from the difficult person

• Deal / Cope with the difficult person

You have Options

• Stay & Do Nothing

• Get away from the difficult person

• Deal / Cope with the difficult person

• Change your behaviour

Look in the mirror

Be honest & ask yourself: • Are you overacting?

• Is it possible your ego was bruised & you’re feeling slighted;

• Are you making everything a bigger issue than it should be?

• In what areas were you responsible for in the situation?

• Remember, when one finger is pointing out at someone else, three fingers are pointing right back at you.

• Is my definition on the world different?

Sometimes its our approach, as much as it is someone else’s.

Common Sense vs Definitions

INSERT YOUR LOGO HERE

• Remember People are not difficult,… their behaviors are,..

• Remember that Difficult Behavior of a person is often a result of psychological needs for control, recognition, affection, approval, & respect,….

• Remember their definitions,…

Shift our perspective

• Look at it from their side,…

When does communication with Difficult People,… get difficult?

• When people do not feel listened to,… or valued

• Have a need to tell us something - So ask,… listen,….

When does communication with Difficult People,… get difficult?

• When people feel scared – threatened, not important

• Talk in their language & break it into smaller pieces

When does communication with Difficult People,… get difficult?

• When we or they feel we are in a “win / lose” situation

• Explore “Win / Win” alternatives - Work with them to problem solve

• Mix their ideas with yours

When does communication with Difficult People,… get difficult?

• Afraid that we don’t understand the seriousness of their problem – side of things

• Be empathetic –difference between understanding vs agreeing

• They are afraid that they will blame or criticize them

– Speak, not blame,… Speak in a way that will not make them feel that way.

Misunderstandings• Result of many things including:

– The speaker’s inability to make their thoughts clear to you,…

– Listener not expressing yourself effectively,…

– Language Issues

Misunderstandings• Result of many things including:

– The speaker’s inability to make their thoughts clear to you,…

– Listener not expressing yourself effectively,…

– Language

– May have a filter up –distorting the message to suit your needs – selective hearing,…

• We filter out ~ 70% - 90% of what we hear & 48 hours later we retain only a fraction of that

Listening• Average rate of speech - 150 words / min.• Average rate of hearing - 500 to 750 words /

min.

• Not only can you hear faster than your partner can speak, you have the potential to project what he may be going to say,….

• Active listening skills help you focus on what the other person is saying

1. Listen with Heart

Hearing & Heart both have EAR in it

H - Hush

E - Empathize

A – Ask questions & attend

R – Reflect & paraphrase

T – Tone

2. Avoid Road Blocks

• Listening is active, do not throw other things into it,…concentrate,…..

3. Listen Holistically

• Use everything – what’s said, what’s not said, body language, experience,….to improve your understanding of that person & the situation,… ……look at ways to achieve win/win outcomes

• Most important – don’t prejudge

Speaking

Another Communication Skill is the art of being able to say what you want to say.

Throughout History, outstanding leaders have been ordinary people with extraordinary

vision – & the skill to communicate it.

What Makes a Person Effective• A Positive Attitude – approach what you want as

though you can’t fail. “Whether you think you can or whether you think you

can't your probably right” (Henry Ford)

• A Clearly Designed Goal– Clear in your mind and linked with your listener's

needs / definitions.

• People Skills– Self awareness, self-control, self-motivation,

understanding difference between people,……

Let it Soak in

• People process things better in little chunks,…

• Introduce topic or issue, go away & then come back later,…

• Can also be used with feedback:

– Say something nice, give corrective feedback, say something nice,…

How many times do we lob large complex requests or safety programs,… & are surprised by the ill will we get in return,….

We push what we think needs to get done,… & when overwhelmed with too much information, it can induce stress & fear

• Putting the larger task into smaller chunks can make things seem more achievable & providing insight into the progress reduces stress

• Need a sense of control – engagement

Non-Verbal Communication

– Body Language

– Posture

– Gestures

– Eye Contact

– Space

– Facial Expressions

– Movements

– Tone of Voice

Learn about the culture

Space Bubbles:

• Gap between us & others we need to maintain to feel secure – for most is 18 to 24 inches

• Intimate distance – only people we trust are welcome within this space

• Personal Distance – distance at the ATM or in the elevator – people we don’t know

• Social Distance – people at a party

• Territorial Distance – feel more comfortable in your territory – your shop, office,…..

Alone or Not

• Do you talk to the person alone or in front of others,….dependent on what the issue is & their personality type

Personality Types

• Who are you & who is the person your talking to,…

• There are many Personality Type tests out there,…..

Behavior Styles:

Assertive

Passive

Aggressive

Assertive• Respect for oneself, at the same time respecting

other person’s needs & rights

• People who normally use assertive behavior feel:

- Positive - Calm

- Enthusiastic - Proud

- Honest - Direct

- Confident - Satisfied

- In control

Assertive

• When you deal with these people you can feel:

- positive

- Secure

- Cooperative

- Respected

- Energetic

Passive:• Often have little respect for oneself & does

not expressing needs or defending rights

• Often feel about them selves:

- Angry - Frustrated

- Withdrawn - Insecure & inferior

• When you deal with these people you can feel:

- Irritated - Withdrawn

- Superior - Tired

Aggressive:

• No respect for the other person’s needs & rights, focus is on them

• People who are normally aggressive likely feel:

- Powerful (in the short run)

- Sometimes guilty

- Threatened

- Right

- Critical Lonely

- These people feel that they’re OK, but your not

Aggressive• When you deal with these people you

can feel:

- Angry & threatened

- Frustrated

- Anxious & defensive

- Resentful

- Hurt

- Humiliated

- Tired

Indirect Aggression:• Behavior between assertive & obviously

aggressive.

• Often use underhanded ways to get their way

such as

– Sabotage

– Sarcasm

– Silent treatment

– Gossip

Passive Aggressive

• This is a pathological reaction to authority & those

they perceive to be in those positions

• Tendency to blow up unexpectedly, keep others off

balance because do not often follow the usual pattern

Who Wins?• Do assertive people usually achieve their goals?

– Yes, because their aim is for both sides to win – believe in

equality and are willing to negotiate

• Do passive people usually achieve their goals?

– No, because they usually “go with the flow”.

• Do aggressive people usually achieve their goal?

– Sometimes, in the short run, but they often face antagonism

and retaliation later

Personality Types:• Our external Behavior is only the tip of the iceberg,

below it lie our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, values, inherence personality & personal experiences,…..

• Then add gender , generation, education,cultures, difference of communication style,…..

• Each personality type has different needs, values, motivations, levels of assertiveness & responsiveness,….

Personality Types:

• The Expressive

• The Driver

• The Amiable

• The Analytical

Expressive : Get Attention• Characteristics:

– Loud & boisterous

– Fly by the seat of their pants

– Now people

– The fun has already started

– Social people

– Need to be liked

– Pleasure: recognition & approval

– Pain: Isolation & lack of attention

How to work with the Expressive• Focus on establishing a relationship – be warm &

approachable

• Try to show how your ideas build on theirs

• Be enthusiastic, open responsible – share information, stories,…

• Prepare for “who” questions

• Minimize their direct involvement with details

The Driver: Get it done • Characteristics:

– High Achiever– Strong willed– Impatient / short tempered– Direct / practical– Control / forceful / decisive– Workaholics / task orientated– What results– Fixer– Pleasure: Power, Control, Respect– Pain: Loss of respect, lack of results, feeling taken

advantage of

How to work with the Driver• Support their need to be in control

• Focus on the task

• Talk about the expected results

• Be business like / factual

• Concise, precise, organized information

• Discuss / answer what questions

• Facts, not feelings

• Don’t waste time or argue details

• Provide options

The Amiable : Get along

• Sensitive to everyone’s feelings

• Consensus driven

• Supportive

• Accommodating

• Steady workers

• Pleasure: Stability, cooperation

• Pain: Change, chaos

How to work with the Amiable

• Be relaxed & agreeable

• Maintain status quo – don’t spring changes on them, introduce

• Keep things logical, systematic & predictable

• Don’t push or rush

• Prepare to answer “why” questions

• Be a good listener with this group & compliment them on being a team player

The Analytical: Get it right

• Detail oriented

• Highly organized

• Planners

• Perfectionists

• Pleasure: Accuracy

• Pain: To be wrong & criticized

How to work with the Analytical

• Approach with systematic, thorough precise information – focus on the task

• Prepare “how” answers

• Don’t get personal

• Don’t rush unnecessarily – allow time to evaluate

• Compliment precision & accuracy

Analyticals – Plan trip well into the future & organize it

Drivers – don’t have time for a trip, too much to do,…when’s a good time?

Amiables – can’t decide, usually supporting & accommodating, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings

Expressives – they are ready to go now with what they’re wearing,….

There is no right or wrong Behaviour Style or Personality Type

• Each of us can demonstrate each on of these.

• Communication & motivation depends on 2 things:

– Being able to identify the behavior

– Respond appropriately to it

Stop wishing “They” were different

• Give up this magical wish – it will drive you crazy

• Blaming is not helpful

• Deal with the situation as is,…

Approaches to Conflict Resolution

• Win / Lose:

– Competition – one person or group wins, other loses

– Accommodation – one person refuses even to state his or her wishes but simply goes along with other

• Win / Win:

– Compromise / collaboration – each person recognized the other rights & points of view

Counsel vs. Commiseration:• It’s always good to talk the problem out with someone, but

there’s a big difference between seeking the counsel of a trusted friend or coworker & having a gripe session.

• It is easy to cross the line and go from trying to find a solution to the problem, to becoming part of the problem.

• Stay focused and professional.

• Talk about the problem you’re having and try to find a way to solve it by looking at other options and possibilities. Remain as objective about the situation as you possibly can and get on with the business of the day

Important tips

• Establish facts first

• Ask lots of questions

• Actively listen

• Avoid pre judgments

• Act professionally

• Aim for a win –win

• Remember there is no one size fits all approach

Mr. 20 questions

• If irrelevant questions,.. Lets talk about that after,…. since its not a groups issue

• If questions are relevant – but are just too many,… lets get back to our session since we are running out of time,…

Or use strategies for dealing with dominant types

• If one or two people dominate the meeting and no one else can get a word in ,…

Distracted – some is texting or talking in your training session

• Ask a direct question – “what do you think Peter?”

• Try mentioning something they said earlier,… “ as Peter mentioned earlier”

• Walk slowly towards them make sure you don’t just look directly at them,.. That would be a bit creepy,… but if they are a repeat offender,…

• Walk around the back & stand behind or beside them,…

Sherman Tank• Bullying: win – loose• Wants to control the process & get things done (often their way)• Range from mild pushiness to outright aggression - Attack, abusive,

intimidating & contemptuous

• Commanding respect • Hold your ground - firm, calm,…. • Give them time to run down• Interrupting the attack• Maintain eye contact• Aiming for the bottom line & fire establishing peace with honor (You & I

have to work together) • State opinions forcefully & without apology• Be ready to be friendly & receptive to negotiation

The Sniper

• Bullying: win - loose

• Attempts to control you through embarrassment & humiliation or secret attacks & hidden back-stabbing

• Bring the sniper out of hiding

• Using search light questions like – what is the intent or relevancy of that statement

• make the behavior of sniping uncomfortable – used tank behaviors to push them back,…

• Having a side conversation

The Grenade or Exploder• Bullying: win- lose• Often feels unappreciated & disrespected • Ranting & raving is difficult to ignore• Temper tantrum

• Get their attention• If they don’t – “excuse me,..” I can see that this really upsets your,…

what I hear you saying is• Make sure your tone & language is friendly• What do you think we can do about it,… • Base of anger is always fear – find out what they are fearful of –

change, loss of control• Get input – give control back, respect of knowledge,…

The BMW-er• Avoiding: lose-lose• Finds fault with everything

• Listen to complaints, paraphrase to ensure perceptions are correct

• Do not agree with or apologize, or get into an accusation –defense- re-accusation pattern

• State the facts without comment• Move into problem solving mode,…• If all else fails, ask the, - how do you want this discussion to

end? Draw the line – talk solutions or stop talking for now

The Clam

• Conceding: lose – win

• The silent one, a grunt, or clipped yes and no

• Ask open ended questions & wait for a response

• Do not fill the silence with chatter

• Lighten the mood

The Wet Blanket• Conceding: lose-win or avoiding: lose-lose

• Downside of each option blinds them

• Responds with a quick or negative response it won’t work

• Don’t try to argue them out of their pessimism or get drug down with them

• Explore alternatives

No – person

No – person • Bullying: win-lose

• Task focused & needs to get it right

• Finds the negatives in everyone & everything

• Moving from fault finding to problem solving

• Use them as a resource & early warning system

• Don’t push them for an immediate decision,… I was thinking, thought I would share,.. Give it some thought,… help me come up with a workable solution,….

Yes Man• Conceding: lose – win

• Gets along but can easily over commit

• Does not understand the true nature of the task they have accepted

• Get commitments you can count on

• Make it safe to be honest

• Ensuring they understand the negative consequences

The Know It All

• Bullying: win-lose• Expert on all matters• Often are knowledgeable & competent people who intend to get it

done in the way that they have predetermined is best

• Be prepared & know your stuff - They want details – so do your homework

• Get them to consider alternative without directly challenging their alleged expertise – open them up to new ideas

• Present your views indirectly,… make them think it was their idea• Turn them into mentors – recognize their expertise• Listen and paraphrase – they want you to know what they said

Think – they – know it all • Bullying: win - lose

• Specialists in exaggerations, half truths, jargon, useless advice & unsolicited opinions

• Charismatic & desperate for attention

• Credit the things they do right,… & find acceptable ways to disavow their unworkable ideas,

• Gently talking to them about “ you have come up with a variety of ideas,.. Lets give someone else a chance,…”

• Get clarification for specifics,….

The Staller

• Avoiding: lose-lose

• Habitually indecisive

• Attempt to engage them in problem solving

• Listen for issues & create solutions

• Give support for any decision they can offer

• Delineate who is responsible for what in resolving the problem

Apathetic to the Hazard

Effective Communication• Build all communication on the basics

– Listening, clear concise speech, non-verbal messages,…..

• Identify personality types,…

• Look at the definitions of the person,..

• Adjust your approach

• Try again, or in a different way,…

• Conflict in the workplace is inevitable & it can be easy to label people as difficult,…

• Understanding difficult behavior can make a big difference,…

• What if it is just a failure to communicate,…

My Wish for You,….

Eldeen E. Pozniak

Eldeen@pozniaksafety.com

www.pozniaksafety.com

Questions? More Information?