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How to Weed Out Manipulators, Controllers & Users In Your Relationships

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<http://relationshipedia.me/2015/07/26/how-to-weed-out-manipulators-controllers-users-in-your-relationships/#comments>July 26, 2015<http://relationshipedia.me/2015/07/26/how-to-weed-out-manipulators-controllers-users-in-your-relationships/>Bree Bonchay, LCSW <http://relationshipedia.me/author/bbonchay11/>

weight <https://relationshipedia.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/weight.jpg>

Years ago when I started my career as a psychotherapist, a seasonedcolleague gave me perhaps the best piece of professional advice I hadever received. She told me, “/if you don’t want to burn out in thisfield, never work harder on solving your client’s problems than they do/”.

This wonderful morsel of advice saved me from the all to common burnout of a career that so many mental health professionals who don’texercise good boundaries often experience.

And it can save you too.

By refusing to work harder than your partner on solving the problems inyour relationship, you can weed out the manipulators, controllers andusers and avoid being taken advantage of and carrying all the emotionalweight in the relationship.

My colleague’s advice resonated with me and when I found myself workingharder than my clients in the therapeutic relationship, I would pullback and save my energy for those who really wanted my help andbenefitted from it.

It was a professional boundary I set for myself in my therapy practicethat allowed me to support others without weakening myself.

I spent my energy on the clients that most wanted my help and werewilling to work as hard as me to improve the quality of their lives.

Sound selfish or not empathetic?

I don’t think so.

Professionally, I created healthy boundaries that produced great resultsfor my clients as well as myself.

Refusing to work harder on solving my client’s problems than my clientsweeded out the clients that really didn’t want to improve, change theirways or were just attending therapy to appease a spouse, partner orrelative.

Of course, personal relationships, especially romantic ones, are verydifferent from professional relationships. We are all more emotionallyinvested in our personal relationships and it isn’t always as easy totake a necessary step back and resist the urge to solve an issue orrepair a damaged relationship.

*We want the relationship to work so bad that rather than risk losing it, we would rather risk losing ourselves trying to save it. *

But taking a step back is an absolute necessity.

It’s self-preservation!

It’s the only way to find out if your partner is carrying his/heremotional weight in the relationship. And if they aren’t, well youshouldn’t have to do the all the emotional heavy lifting by yourself.

That’s not a relationship. That’s called being single.

If you are the only one expending the effort by bending and twisting andcompromising, you’re being taken for granted. Suckered. Manipulated. Andif you allow it to go on long enough you will feel exhausted, depletedand drained. Burned out and bummed out.

And even worse, all your precious effort will be in vain because ittakes two people to make lasting changes in any relationship.

You won’t have any reserves left in your tank for you, much less thepeople in your life who really appreciate you. Because you are too busywasting them on a hopeless situation with an undeserving partner.

Someone who is a taker. A user. And probably someone who really doesn’tgive a darn about you. They really don’t want things to change, despitewhat they may say, because frankly, the imbalance in the relationship isworking just fine for them.

Changing anything is the last thing they want to do. Why would they?When they have you wrapped around their little finger doing all thedirty work for them!

These types of people (manipulators, narcissists and sociopaths) willblame you and everybody else for all the problems in their lives and therelationship and will be more than happy to sit back and watch you runyourself ragged carting all the emotional weight and blame in therelationship.

While you’re so busy working over-time trying to correct all theproblems, you are enabling them to continue to do nothing and maintainthe status quo.

Taking a necessary step back is the only way that you will truly be ableto determine your partner’s intentions and discern the degree of yourpartner’s emotional investment and commitment to you and the relationship.

So drop the weight. Take a step back and see what happens.

A person who truly loves you, has compassion and wants the relationshipto be mutually satisfying will want to carry their fair share of theweight, the blame and the responsibility for fixing it. No ifs, ands orbuts about it!

*Suffering from narcissistic abuse?* Join Narcissistic Abuse & ToxicRelationship Recovery & Support Forum on Facebook<http://www.facebook.com/narcopath>by clicking the link.

Copyright © 2015 Bree Bonchay. All Rights Reserved.

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7 thoughts on “How to Weed Out Manipulators, Controllers & Users In Your Relationships”

1. Amy <http://shirleysheaven.wordpress.com>

Oh my gosh, I wish someone had told me that years ago. I spent 30 years in a marriage doing exactly that before finally getting it. I am so glad I finally broke free!

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2. Deb

This all sounds like what I have been doing for the better part of 27 years. I cannot kick him out or leave myself because of chronic health decline. I wish I would have known all of this years ago when i had health enough to do something about it.

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* Jennifer Smith <http://www.truelovescam.com>

I understand the feeling. If you could get away… do you think your health would improve? No knowing your condition of course, but if there was any way… maybe hope isn’t lost?

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o Bree Bonchay, LCSW <http://relationshipedia.wordpress.com>

I know your health would improve! The constant stress of being with a manipulative personality, narcissist or sociopath impacts your physical health and mental well being. <3 Hope is not lost my friend ~ Bree

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3. premaritalcounselingblog <http://premaritalcounselingblog.wordpress.com>

Well said. To make the relationship work, we tend to give away power to somehow balance what we sense is clearly out of balance. I don’t like the term co-dependent, but that’s who narcissists need to feed their insatiable needs. When I learned how to shift my internal beliefs about over functioning, my own worth apart from what I do for others, loving myself, I gained the power to leave. And have never looked back.

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4. AnnaG <http://annagmassagecardiff.wordpress.com>

Hi Bree, thank you so much again for another excellent article. Sharing! I tried to click on the link at the end to join the forum, but it was not working, found it through the name on fb anyway, but just to let you know :) Thank you.

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July 26, 2015 at 1:07pm07 <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/07/26/how-to-weed-out-manipulators-controllers-users-in-your-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-748>Reply </2015/07/26/how-to-weed-out-manipulators-controllers-users-in-your-relationships/?replytocom=748#respond>

* Bree Bonchay, LCSW <http://relationshipedia.wordpress.com>

Thank you Anna! And thanks you for letting me know about the link. I appreciate it. All fixed now.~ Bree :)

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AUTHOR: Bree Bonchay, LCSW

* <http://relationshipedia.me/author/bbonchay11/>

About Me

Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) trained as a general practitionerwith expertise in Relationships, Couples Counseling, Cluster BPersonality Disorders, Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, Depression & Anxiety.

Univ. of Southern California, Master�s Degree (MSW)Calif. State Univ. Northridge, BA Journalism/ Psychology

Psychotherapist * Blogger * Advocate * Radio Guest Expert * MotivationalSpeaker * Narcissistic Abuse & Toxic Relationship Forum Administrator

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* How to Weed Out Manipulators, Controllers & Users In Your Relationships <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/07/26/how-to-weed-out-manipulators-controllers-users-in-your-relationships/> * The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/16/the-8-most-common-narc-sadistic-conversation-control-tactics/> * How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/23/how-to-permanently-detach-from-a-narcissist/> * Narc-Sadistic Brainwashing: The 8 Ingredients Of Mind Control <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/07/10/narc-sadistic-brainwashing-the-8-ingredients-of-mind-control/> * 11 Mental Tips & Tricks To Move On After Narcissistic Abuse <http://relationshipedia.me/2015/07/02/11-mental-tips-tricks-to-move-on-after-narcissistic-abuse/>

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