How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships

Ryan Buchmann MA, MFTPastoral CounselorMarriage & Family Therapy Intern

The Intimacy Workshop Series: Part 2

How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships


Who am I?• Former St. Brigid staff pastoral

counselor from 2004-2006.• Graduate USD with MA in

Pastoral Care & Counseling (2005).

• Graduate Alliant Int’l University with MA in Marriage & Family Therapy (2007).

• Currently working as a mental health counselor in a local agency and private practice.


In our last episode…

Intimacy starts from

within.


What is “intimacy?”

“Intimacy is The recursive experience… …of open self-confrontation

(vulnerability)… …of core aspects of the self… …in the presence of a partner.”

--David Schnarch

Author of Passionate Marriage


In our last episode…

• Balancing individuality (autonomy) and togetherness (relationship) creates a constant tension.

• A person over-oriented toward individuality becomes self-absorbed and set in their ways.

• A person over-oriented toward togetherness becomes dependent on others for a sense of self.


Self-Validated Intimacy

• The ability to validate one’s own experience/existence…

• …in the face of pressure from the other/partner…

• …without cutting off… • …is called self-validated

intimacy.


A Healthy Relationship

A healthy relationship is formed when

• two people who each have a healthy sense of their identity…

• …come together willing to regularly and openly confront their authentic self…

• …in the presence of their partner.


Two Kinds of Relationships

• Primary Relationships Significant Other Close family members (e.g. children) “Closest and Best” Friends God

• Secondary Relationships Everyone else

Other friends, boss, extended family, family friends, friends of significant other, the person you met at the bus stop, etc.


What makes a “primary relationship” primary?

• It has a high priority in your life. The relationship is “primary” for both of

you. Both are willing to be completely open

and vulnerable with each other—comprehensive trust.

Boundaries diminish as you become closer.


What makes a “primary relationship” primary?

• It has a high priority in your life. Concerted effort to spend time together. No fear of judgment. Each one strives to help the other be or

become their most authentic self. The relationship is an end, not a

means.


Secondary Relationships

• Growing in closeness not a priority.

• Vulnerability not required. Safety and security is not that necessary.

• Time together is nice, but not a necessity.

• The relationship sometimes serves a specific purpose. Relationship is a means, not an end.


What is this “vulnerability” thing?


According to Webster…

vul·ner·a·ble adj. [Late Latin vulner bilis, wounding, from Latin

vulner re, to wound, from vulnus, vulner-, wound.]

Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

Susceptible to attack. the state of being exposed.

Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=00-database-info&db=ahd4


Quiz Question

When a person feels “exposed,” what is the emotion associated with the experience?

Joy Sadness Anger Fear Shame


Shame limits vulnerability.

If my vulnerability causes me to feel ashamed of myself, I will likely not let myself be vulnerable again.

How can I create a space where my partner will not feel ashamed when vulnerable?


What causes one to feel shame?

Judgment!


Movie Clip“Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless

Mind”


Vulnerability is the key ingredient for

intimacy.(Uh, what’s “intimacy?”)


Intimacy Defined

“Intimacy is The recursive experience… …of open self-confrontation

(vulnerability)… …of core aspects of the self… …in the presence of a partner.”

--David SchnarchAuthor of Passionate Marriage


Vulnerability

• State of voluntarily being exposed.

• Open self-confrontation.• Involves a risk (judgment,

disagreement, rejection, separation).

• Most often feels uncomfortable.


Vulnerability

Vulnerability will most likely occur in the

absence of judgment and the presence of

unconditional acceptance.


Intimacy

• Key elements: Vulnerability Communication Openness to confronting the

deepest self in the presence of your partner….

In the absence of judgment.


Seven Levels of Intimacy

Based on the book by Matthew Kelly


Level 1

Clichés


Level 1 – Clichés

• Casual interactions• Reveal little about each person• Rely on fleeting and superficial

exchanges.• The style of communication is

not a “conversation,” rather it is a transaction. Relationships are NOT made up of

transactions.



• Common “cliché” terms Good Nice Interesting Fine Okay Whatever!

Translation: “I disagree with what you’re saying, and I don’t want to discuss it now.”



• Advantages Establishes connection with others. Enables us to conduct daily affairs. Great conversation starters.

• Disadvantages Can become shallow and superficial. Can be used to keep others at an

emotional distance.



• The best way to move a relationship beyond the level of clichés?

Carefree timelessness!


Level 2

Facts


Level 2 - Facts

• Focus is on communicating facts about our lives and our world.

• The facts are mundane, self-evident, and conflict-avoidant.


Level 2 - Facts

• Advantages Ignites our love for learning and getting

to know another person. Reawakens our natural yearning for

knowledge.• Disadvantages

Continued use of facts when revealing our selves to others leaves the relationship superficial and stale.


Level 2 – Facts

• The best way to move a relationship beyond the level of facts?

Practice non-judgment & express appreciation!


Level 3

Opinions


Level 3 - Opinions

• Advantages Initiates a forward step toward

authenticity (self-expression). Opens an opportunity for genuine

agreement, not just conformity. Enables the possibility for acceptance

even if the other is not entirely right.


Level 3 - Opinions

• Disadvantages People often cannot get past this level

unless they have the other completely “figured out.”

Arguments often flare up because each wants the other to believe in the same way they do (a.k.a. conformity).


Level 3 - Opinions

• Opinions are the first step toward becoming vulnerable with another person.

• The biggest risk of sharing an opinion is disagreement.

• The key to this level is acceptance, not understanding (“figured out”).


Acceptance vs. Understanding

• Acceptance The ability to respect each other’s opinions

and unconditionally accept the other, despite the differences of opinion.

Being a benevolent witness of someone’s journey through life, rather than a manipulative or dictatorial force in it.

Allows a person to be themselves, not pushed into someone you want them to be.


Acceptance vs. Understanding

• Understanding A condition of acceptance (“I can’t figure

her out” or “He doesn’t make sense to me.”)

A need for predictability, to know how he/she will react in a situation.


Ask Yourself!

• What is it about me that mandates that I completely understand this person with respect to this issue?

• What experiences have influenced and formed my opinions?

• Is my position the absolute truth?

• Is this the hill I want to die on?


Level 3 – Opinions

• The best way to move a relationship beyond the level of opinions?

Find common ground. Accept one another.


Movie Clip“Tough Love – Episode 1”


Level 4

Hopes and Dreams


Level 4 – Hopes and Dreams

• Our hopes, dreams, and goals are a derivative of our authenticity.

• Inform us of a person’s values.

• The person with whom we will form a primary relationship will be the one who will help us fulfill our dreams.



We reveal our hopes and dreams only to those who accept us.

The Kicker:



• Know what drives those closest to you.

• Dreams provide a vision of where one wants to be in life.

• Dreams change constantly. Stay in touch with your and your partner’s dreams.

• Write your dreams down!



Best way to move a relationship beyond the level of hopes and dreams?

Delayed Gratification



Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed when someone reveals all their hopes and dreams to you at once!


Movie Clip“My Cousin Vinny”


Level 5

Feelings


Level 5 - Feelings

• Emotional reactions to the world around us.

• The big question:

Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable?


Level 5 - Feelings

• Removing the mask of “having it all together,” making yourself vulnerable, and telling your significant other how you really feel.

• The failure to release stored up emotions is the core of psychopathology.


Level 5 - Feelings

• How do I create an environment that enables a person to openly express how they feel?

Unconditional acceptance


Level 5 - Feelings

• Quote of the day:

“Confident that they will not be judged or criticized but rather accepted for who they are and where they are on their journey, most people will open the doors of their hearts.”

Matthew Kelly“Seven Levels of intimacy”


Level 5 - Feelings

• Learn to listen to the other person.

• Make the person feel as if nothing else existed, except the two of you.

• Ask the question “Why is this person saying this to me?” Until you know why, remain silent and

listen.


Level 5 - Feelings

• “Our journey toward intimacy means trying to understand why people have certain feelings and why they react to certain people and situations as they do.”

• “We will likely discover these truths about the people we love only if we restrain ourselves from judgment and criticism.”

Matthew Kelly


Movie Clip“About Last Night…”

What are the emotions NOT expressed?


Level 6

Faults, Fears, and Failures


Level 6 – Faults, Fears, & Failures

• In Level 5, we make ourselves vulnerable. In Level 6, we expose ourselves. Emotional nakedness

• True advancement in this level is when you can honestly and humbly admit to your significant other “I need help.”



• Also heard at this level: “I am afraid.” “I messed up.” Ownership of one’s faults, failings, or

mistakes.



• The twisted paradox of vulnerability:

By owning your faults, fears, and failures, people will accept you even more.



• People will own their faults, fears, and failures only in a place of unconditional acceptance.

• What are you doing to foster an environment of unconditional acceptance?



• The “magic” formula: How to create an environment of unconditional acceptance:

You must first accept yourself unconditionally.



• How do I accept myself unconditionally? Know your “dark” or “shadow” side

If a person behaves in a way that does not make sense, it is likely the shadow in action.

Ask your closest friends “What is the gold you see in me?”

Then ask your family members “What are the shadows you see in me?”


Movie Clip“Elizabethtown”


Level 7

Legitimate Needs


Level 7 – Legitimate Needs

• A dynamic collaboration to fulfill the needs of your significant other.

• Providing needs, not wants.

• At this level, we build a lifestyle that helps each other be our authentic selves.

• It’s about revealing MY needs, not getting my partner to reveal theirs.



• Ask yourself: Is this a need or is this a want? How does this need enable me to be my authentic self?

• Relationships are not about getting what you want. Relationships are about helping each other become your authentic self.



• Love

Not a feeling, but an action.

Learning to know our partner’s legitimate needs and attempting to proactively fulfill them.

“You should KNOW that about me!”



• The biggest error of romantic relationships:

Passing judgment and failing to accept the other unconditionally.


For a healthy relationship…

• Vulnerability• Absence of Judgment• Unconditional Acceptance


What we learned…

• Identified primary & secondary relationships.

• Defined and explained vulnerability

• Listed the 7 levels of intimacy• Described how to move from

one level to the next.• Saw lots of cool movie clips.


The End

How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships

Spiritual

Transcript of How to Form Healthy Intimate Relationships