How to Be Assertiveness Book Look Inside

Developing YourAssertiveness Skills

Deborah DalleySkills Training Coursewww.UoLearn.com

About the author - Deborah DalleyDeborah was a trainer with the Greater Manchester Police and lectured atSalford University. For the last 12 years she has been running a successfultraining, coaching and consulting business.Deborah has been delivering assertive communication workshops forover 25 years for groups in the public, private and voluntary sectors. Shedelivers training sessions, coaches individuals and facilitates team eventsthat specialise in helping people successfully deal with difficult situations.She is also the co-author of the book Developing your Influencing Skills.

Would you like to be better atcommunicating your ideas and feelings?This book will provide you with the tools and techniques to become a more assertivecommunicator. It is full of practical tips, case studies and exercises. These will build your skillsand change the way you communicate to help you achieve your goals.Discover how to:9999999999

Recognise different forms of behaviour and identify your dominant behaviour typeFind ways to develop your confidence to deal with a range of situationsManage the anxiety associated with handling stressful encountersUse the right words, tone and body language to behave assertivelyCommunicate confidently when you want to say no, raise an awkward issue, stand yourground or disagree with someone99 Prepare for challenging conversations using a structured framework99 Manage your own emotions and those of others during difficult encountersOver 31 practical ideas to help you learn to communicate assertively.

What do people think of developing your assertiveness? This is the first time that I have really understood the difference between being aggressiveand being assertive. This has helped me to develop new strategies for dealing with someoneat work who I realise uses a lot of low level aggression to get what she wants. Practical and engaging!I have already used several of the suggested ways to say no to great effect so thank you! I always imagined that other people just knewhow to deal with difficult situations,I now believe that with practice anyone can manage it. The book has opened my eyes,I feel empowered and ready to take responsibility for my life. I thought this book was excellent, readable and easy to work through.

Also by Deborah Dalley : Developing your Influencing Skills,ISBN 978-1-84937-004-2

Order books from your favourite bookseller or direct from www.uolearn.com

Developing your assertiveness skillsand confidence in your communication to achieve success.How to build your confidence and assertiveness to handle difficultsituations and people successfully. Increase your self esteem.Communicate your feelings and ideas and achieve your goals.A Skills Training Course.Lots of exercises and free downloadable workbook.Published by: Universe of Learning Ltd, reg. number 6485477, Lancashire, UKwww.UoLearn.com, [email protected] 2013 by Deborah Dalley.The moral right of this author has been asserted.First Published 2013All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced either electronically oron paper without permission in writing from the publisher, except for passages ofless than 500 words for purposes of review.ISBN 978-1-84937-057-8, UK spelling editionOther editions:ebook pdf format 978-1-84937-083-7epub 978-1-84937-084-4US spelling printed version: 978-1-84937-082-0Skills Training Course, Universe of Learning and UoLearn are trademarks of Universeof Learning Ltd.Photographs www.fotolia.comEdited by Dr Margaret Greenhall.The publisher and author assume no liability for any loss or damage, personal orotherwise which is directly or indirectly caused by the application of any of thecontents of this book.

To buy your own copy of


This is a preview of the book developing your assertiveness skills. It is available asprinted, kindle and printable pdf versions. To buy a copy please follow the links:Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

Book depository (countries where Amazon is not available)

Printable pdf version

Universe of Learning Ltd is a UK registered limited company.We are also registered with the Information Commissioners Office - the governmentagency that enforces the UK data protection act to prevent resale of any personal data.100% money back guarantee on any purchases direct from our website - if youre notsatisfied tell us why and well return your money.

PRAISE

Praise

This is the first time that I have really understood the differencebetween being aggressive and being assertive. This has helpedme to develop new strategies for dealing with someone at workwho I realise uses a lot of low level aggression to get what shewants.Practical and engaging I have already used several of thesuggested ways to say no to great effect so thank you!Learning to bank key phrases has helped me enormously. I alwaysimagined that other people just knew how to deal with difficultsituations, I now believe that with practice anyone can manage it.The book has opened my eyes I have recognised that a lot ofthings that I have blamed on other people can be traced back tomy behaviour. I feel empowered and ready to take responsibilityfor my life.I thought this book was excellent readable and easy to workthrough. I particularly liked the chapter on self-confidence as Ithink that is where I need to do the work and so I have started anachievement log and am practising positive visualisation.

3

CONTENTS

Contents

Introduction7Chapter 1: What is Assertive Behaviour? 10Behaviour definitions 10High level aggression11Low level aggression12Submissive 13Assertive14Recognising the four behaviours18Behaviour breeds behaviour 22Chapter Two: Self-ConfidenceOur rights Facing your fearsWhat is self-confidence? Ways to develop your self-confidence1. Create a support network2. Challenge your fears3. Visualise success4. Congratulate yourself 5. Keep a record of your achievements6. Avoid the blame game7. Learn more8. Work within your circle of influence9. Project a positive image10. Break things down11. Affirmations12. Be your own best friend

4

2828333537373840414242424343444545

CONTENTSChapter Three: Assertive Communication Skills1. Using appropriate language 2. Banked phrases 3. Tone of voice 4. Body language5. Listening

484951525456

Chapter Four: Assertiveness Techniques 1. Making requests 2. Saying no 3. Raising an awkward issue 4. Disagreeing with someone 5. Handling angry people 6. Being put on the spot 7. Standing your ground 8. Handling put downs 9. Responding to criticism 10. Dealing with negativity11. Receiving compliments 12. Giving feedback

62636471747679808283848586

Chapter Five: Putting it into Practice92Stage 1: What do I want to happen?93Stage 2: Do I have the confidence to address this issue? Whatare my fears?95Stage 3: How can I deal with this assertively?96Stage 4: Am I willing and able to listen and compromise aboutthis issue?96Scenario one Sams story 97Scenario two Amelias story 99Scenario three Cassies story 100Scenario four Your story 101Chapter Six: Action PlanningThe conscious competence ladderMy action planFinal thoughts

104105108109

Further Reading

110

Ideas for the exercises at the end of chapter 4

111

About the Publishers116

5

AUTHOR

About the Author:Deborah Dalley

Deborah has been working in the field of learning anddevelopment for over 25 years. Prior to setting up her owncompany in 2000 she worked as a training consultant for GreaterManchester Police and a part time lecturer at Salford University.The majority of Deborahs work involves helping people tofind ways to deal with difficult situations. This includes runningtraining workshops, coaching individuals and facilitating teamevents. She works in a range of organisations including manyuniversities, local authorities, NHS trusts and private companies.Her particular areas of interest and expertise include: Developing ways to improve organisational and personalcommunication. She has recently developed a framework forhaving difficult conversations which is being widely used in anumber of organisations. Helping people to develop their ability to influence withintegrity and to recognise the difference between effectiveinfluencing and manipulation. Ways to help leaders and managers cope with the challengesbrought about by constant change.Deborah is the co-author of Developing Your Influencing Skills,a book being used by organisations and individuals acrossthe world.Please contact Deborah at www.deborahdalley.com

6

INTRODUCTION

Introduction

Have you ever walked away from a situation and thought whyon earth didnt I speak up?Have you ever agreed to do something because you did notknow how to say no?Have you ever lost your temper and regretted it afterwards?Have you ever avoided a conversation because you were worriedit might become confrontational?Have you ever used sarcasm or silence to get your own way andthen felt guilty?If you answered yes to any of the above questions then thisbook will help you. Over the last twenty five years I have trainedand coached thousands of people and something that most ofus want to improve is our ability to say the right thing, to theright person, in the right way and at the right time.

7

INTRODUCTIONThe overall aims of the book are to:99 Provide an overview of the concept of assertiveness99 Help you to develop your self-confidence99 Give you a wide range of tools and techniques to use ineveryday situations99 Help you to develop strategies for dealing with difficultsituations99 Enable you to develop an action plan to continue to developyour interpersonal effectivenessThis book has been written with several audiences in mind it could be used by:99 Individuals that are interested in developing theirinterpersonal effectiveness99 Learning professionals who want to use the theory andexercises with groups in their training sessions99 Managers and coaches who will be able to use many of theexercises to help individuals think through ways to deal witha difficult situationThe book is a mixture of case studies, practical tips and exercises.There is space in the book to complete the exercises as you goalong. If you prefer you can download a printable copy of all theexercises from www.uolearn.com.

8

Chapter 1:What is Assertive Behaviour?

Behaviour is a mirror in whicheveryone displays their own image.Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe

Chapter 1:What is AssertiveBehaviour?

This chapter will help you to:99 Define the four main behaviour types99 Explore which behaviours you exhibit most often99 Review the effect each type of behaviour has on us and otherpeople

Behaviour definitionsWe need to begin by exploring what different behaviours looklike. This can help you to recognise which behaviours you arecurrently adopting and to identify which forms of behaviour youfind difficult to deal with in others.Most behaviour can be grouped into one of four broad types: High level aggression Low level aggression Submissive AssertiveAt the start of assertive communication workshops I ask peopleto spend a few minutes discussing what these four groups ofbehaviour look and sound like. It is interesting how frequentlypeople struggle with the boundary between forms of aggressivebehaviour and assertive behaviour. The following descriptionsare the ones that I am going to be using throughout this book.

10




Amazon.com




HIGH LEVEL AGGRESSION

High level aggression

This form of behaviour involves expressing your needs, wantsor beliefs in a way that dismisses the rights and opinions ofothers. The aim of high level aggression is to get your own way,even if that is at the expense of someone else. When we adoptthis behaviour we ignore the views and feelings of others eitherintentionally or by default.Some of the characteristics and behaviours that are associatedwith high level aggression include: Shouting or a loud voice Pointing fingers Foot tapping Threatening and intimidating behaviour Extreme impatience Invading someones personal space Excessive eye contact Not listening to views that contradict our own Stating opinions as facts Advice in the form of should or ought Interrupting

11

LOW LEVEL AGGRESSION

Low level aggression

This is also behaviour that violates the rights of others in orderto get what you want. Low level aggression is used to expressannoyance or hostility without directly confronting the issue. Itoften involves trying to control others in a manipulative way byusing sarcasm, silence or excessive flattery. As with high levelaggression it is based on the belief that it is alright to get yourown way with little regard for how that makes the other personfeel.Some of the characteristics and behaviours that are associatedwith low level aggression include: Making indirect responses Sarcastic comments Barbed humour Manipulative flattery Being two faced Refusing to make eye contact looking away rather thandown Cajoling Putting someone on the spot Refusing to speak to someone using silence as a weapon Patronising behaviour Using language that infers guilt

12

Gossiping about people

SUBMISSIVE

Submissive

Behaving submissively means ignoring your own needs andfeelings and giving into others. It involves failing to stand upfor your own rights or doing so in such a way that other peopledisregard them. This is usually done to avoid confrontation or toplease others and often results in us ending up situations thatwe are not happy with. Often when we behave submissively wehope that the other person will know or guess what we reallywant and are then disappointed when they dont! Submissivebehaviour is based on the belief that other peoples needs,wants and opinions are more important than your own.Some of the characteristics and behaviours that are associatedwith submission include: Minimal eye contact often looking down Over justification Hesitant, quiet voice often dropping away at the end Excessive use of the word sorry Giving in easily Blaming others or self blame Difficulty making decisions or taking responsibility Not expressing own views or feelings

13

ASSERTIVE

Assertive

Assertive behaviour means being honest with yourself andothers. It means being able to say what you want but not at theexpense of the other person. It is about being able to negotiateand reach workable compromises. Assertion is based on thebelief that the needs, wants and opinions of both people matter.Some of the characteristics and behaviours that are associatedwith assertion include:99 Steady, medium pitched voice99 Being prepared to compromise and look for commonground99 Regular eye contact but without staring99 Relaxed posture99 Treating people with respect99 Using open questions99 Smiling when appropriate99 Active listening99 Taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions99 Being trustworthy99 Behaving consistently99 Matching words, tone and body language

14

BEING ASSERTIVEWhy do we find it difficult to be assertive?It is important to remember that many things about our pastand upbringing can influence our adult behaviour. If as a childbeing good meant being seen and not heard then it can bedifficult to override those messages - if you were rewarded fornot making a fuss or fitting in then those submissive formsof behaviour become the ones that we repeat in our adult lives.Similarly, if as a child you found the best way to get attentionwas to scream and shout then it can be hard to change thatbehaviour. Many children work out at an early age that sulkingor flattery are the best way to get what they want and so thoselow level aggressive behaviours may continue into adulthood.We all form habits and patterns in our behaviour andrelationships and sometimes these can be difficult for usto break. If you have always reacted in a particular way tosomething then it will take some work to change that firstly wehave to recognise the habit, then decide if we are happy with itand if not decide how to change it.I am your constant companion. I am your greatest helper orheaviest burden. I will push you onward or drag you down tofailure. I am completely at your command. Half the things youdo you might just as well turn over to me, and I will be able to dothem quickly, correctly. I am easily managed you must merelybe firm with me. Show me exactly how you want somethingdone, and after a few lessons I will do it automatically. I am theservant of all great people; and alas of failures as well. Those whoare failures, I have made failures. I am not a machine although Iwork with all the precision of a machine plus the intelligence of ahuman being. You may run me for a profit or turn me for ruin - itmakes no difference to me. Take me, train me, be firm with meand I will place the world at your feet. Be easy with me and I willdestroy you.Who am I? I am a habit.Author unknown

25

ACTION PLANExercise Behaviour action planAfter reading this chapter you will hopefully have a betterunderstanding of the four forms of behaviour.Spend a few minutes thinking about any of the aggressive orsubmissive behaviours that you would like to stop using.I would like to stop..

Now spend a few minutes identifying any of the assertivebehaviours that you would like to start using more.I would like to start

26

Chapter Two:Self-Confidence

Whether you think that you can or that you cant ,you are usually right. Henry Ford

Chapter Two:Self-Confidence

This chapter will help you to:99 Examine the role of rights in being assertive99 Identify the things that stop you behaving assertively99 Find ways to challenge some of your fears99 Explore ways to build your self-belief and confidence

Our rightsAssertiveness is based on a fundamental belief that as humanbeings we have certain personal rights. These are the underlyingvalues that we expect people to respect when dealing with us.It is important to recognise that this is a two way process. If wewant people to acknowledge and respect our personal rights,we have to treat others in the same way. When you are behavingassertively you stand up for your rights and express them in aclear and appropriate way. You also recognise your responsibilityto protect the rights of other people. Look at the following listand consider whether you believe you have these rights.

28

OUR RIGHTSI believe I have the right to: My own opinions, views and ideas A fair hearing for those ideas Have needs or wants that may be different to other peoples Ask (not demand) that others respond to my needs and wants Refuse a request without feeling guilty or selfish Express my feelings appropriately Decide not to assert myself (i.e. choose not to raise a particular issue) Be myself Be successful Have my rights respectedDuring training sessions most people will look at this list and say Well,yes, I agree in principle but it is not always that easy I cant tell myboss that I am not going to do my work because it is my right not towant to do it! and of course that is true. However, it is critical to beginto recognise when and with whom you allow your rights to be takenaway because these are the situations in which you will struggle tobehave assertively. Of course your manager has the right to ask you todo something and equally you do have the right to voice your opinion aslong as you do it in an appropriate way.Do you also take responsibility for respecting the rights of others?I believe other people have the right to: Their own opinions and ideas, even if they are not the same as mine Be listened to Refuse a request from me Express their feelings appropriately Be themselves Be successful Have different needs and wants to mine

29




Amazon.com




Chapter Four:Assertiveness Techniques

Technique is the test of sincerity. If a thing isnt worthgetting the technique to say, it is of inferior value.Ezra Pound

Chapter Four:AssertivenessTechniques

This chapter will look at a range of assertiveness techniques forhandling everyday and difficult situations.This chapter will help you to:99 Identify the situations that you find difficult to deal with99 Develop a range of tools and techniques to deal with thosesituations assertivelyAt the start of communication workshops I ask delegates to listthe situations that they would like to be able to handle moreassertively. The most commonly cited ones are listed below andwill be discussed in this chapter.1. Making requests2. Saying no3. Raising awkward issues4. Disagreeing with someone5. Handling angry people6. Being put on the spot7. Standing your ground8. Handling put downs9. Responding to criticism10.Dealing with negativity11.Receiving compliments12.Giving feedback

62

MAKING REQUESTS

1. Making requestsThis is an area where we are often our own worst enemy ratherthan focusing clearly on the request that we want to make westart imagining the other persons reaction. Remember youhave the right to ask as long as you respect the other personsright to refuse.When making requests:99 Be clear and specific dont use words and phrases that areopen to interpretation99 Be polite but do not over apologise for asking99 Do not use manipulative flattery to get what you want99 Explain why you are asking however do not over justify99 Be willing to accept a noExamples of non-assertive requests:Is there any chance someone could move the boxes from the door,its just that someone might complain about them being there.I have got so much to do this week and Im really worried thatIm not going to get the monthly return done. It would be great ifsomeone else could pick it up.Im sorry to have to ask but I was wondering if there was anychance that you could babysit on Friday. I know its a lot to ask sodo say if you would rather not and I will try to find someone else.Rephrased as assertive requests:Will you please remove these boxes from the doorway as they areblocking the entrance?I have agreed to do too many things this week and so wanted toknow whether it is possible for you to do the monthly return?I have been invited to a party on Friday and wanted to askwhether you would be able to babysit?

63

SAYING NO

2. Saying noNo it is hard to believe that such a short word can be sodifficult for us to say! In coaching and training sessions it is thething that people identify most frequently as something thatthey need to work on. These are the reasons people give fornow wanting to say no: I am worried about what people will think of me if I say no. I might not be asked again. I dont want people not to like me. I am not sure if I have the right to say no. I am afraid that I might get a hostile reaction. I dont want people to think that I am unhelpful. I hate upsetting people.It is important to recognise that we can make things worse byagreeing to do things that either we really dont want to do ordont have time to do. The negative consequences can be:88 We cancel things at short notice88 We fail to meet deadlines88 We get exploited by other people88 We dont get the respect we deserve from other people88 We start to resent the people that are making the requests88 We dont do things as well as we can88 We begin to lose our self respect88 We spend time on other peoples priorities rather than ourownOne of the most common ways to avoid saying no is to make anexcuse have you ever told a white lie to avoid having to say noto someone?

64

Chapter Five:Putting it into Practice

Knowledge is of no value unless you putit into practice. Anton Chekhov

Chapter Five:Putting it into Practice

This chapter will help you to:99 Understand the assertiveness cycle99 Decide what you want the outcome of a situation to be99 Practise preparing to be assertive in specific situationsThere are 4 stages in the assertiveness cycle. These are thequestions you need to ask yourself when preparing to beassertive in a given situation.What do I wantto happen?

Am I willing and ableto listen and compromiseabout this issue?

Do I have the confidence toaddress this issue?What are my fears?

How can I dealwith this assertively?

92

STAGE 1

Stage 1: What do I want to happen?Assertive behaviour begins with being clear about what asuccessful outcome looks like this is critical because if wedont know what we want how can we expect anyone else toknow? This may sound very obvious but think about the numberof times you have heard people complaining about a situationand being very clear about what they DONT want or areunhappy about but a lot less clear about what they do want. Thefollowing two cases are examples of this in practice.

Case studySeveral years ago one of my children opened a present onChristmas morning that was broken, she was really upsetand as parents we felt a mixture of anger (with the store forselling a faulty item) and guilt (for not having checked beforewrapping the present). The following day I stormed into theshop to complain about the fact that our Christmas day hadbeen marred by this event. I spent several minutes explaininghow disappointed I was and that I expected more fromsomewhere that was a household name. When I had finishedthe assistant acknowledged how frustrating the experiencemust have been and then asked very politely. How would youlike to see this progress from here? In that one question shecompletely floored me what did I want? Well I would likethe item replacing I replied. That is no problem madam, Iwill get another one and ensure that it is in full working orderbefore you leave the shop clearly this was not enough, Iwas still angry and quite upset but what did I want? In myfrustration I said Well I have had the inconvenience of havingto trail back here today and so I would like my petrol moneyreimbursing That is no problem if you can let me knowhow far you have travelled I can arrange a refund. At thispoint I began to feel increasingly uneasy did I really want2.80 for petrol money? Would that make it alright? No,because what I really wanted was for it not to have happenedand that wasnt possible.

93

CASE STUDYCase studySarah had just been in a meeting with a range of peoplefrom across her organisation. She was presenting someideas that she had been working on for several monthswhen her manager (who was chairing the meeting) suddenlyannounced in a strident voice I am going to stop you thereSarah because several of these figures are incorrect and youneed to check them before we consider this proposal. I wouldlike us to move on to the next item on the agenda. Sarah wasextremely embarrassed and incredibly angry.I met her straight after the meeting, she looked upset and soI asked her if she was OK.No she replied I am livid, Charlotte has just completelyhumiliated me in front of half of the senior managementteam and I am on my way to ask her what on earth shethought she was doing.What do you want the conversation to achieve? I asked.I want her to know how I feel about what she did.OK so you want her to understand that you were upset andembarrassed is that all you want?No, I want her to acknowledge that she was wrong and thatthe figures are correct I spent ages putting them togetherand she dismissed them.Right so if she recognises how you feel and acknowledgesthat the figures are the right ones will you feel better?Partly, but I also want her to apologise in an e-mail to all theother people that were at the meeting and tell them that thefigures are right and rearrange the meeting..At this point she sat down and said I think I really need toprepare for this conversation. We went for a coffee andworked out exactly what she hoped the conversation withCharlotte would achieve.

94

Chapter 6:Action Planning

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble thatcauses you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your pathand you will find you have crossed the mountain.

Chapter Six:Action Planning

Please pick up a pen and write your name in the box belowusing the hand that you do not usually write with.

How did that feel? Probably quite awkward and clumsy andso next time you pick up a pen you are likely to go back tousing the hand that you always write with (unless you havebroken your arm!). It is quicker and more comfortable and thishighlights the dilemma with a lot of learning, it involves time,practise and patience.If you have read this book it is probably because you want todo something differently and therefore I hope you are willingto invest the time that will be needed to make those changes.If you start to get frustrated remember developing new skills isnot always easy.The conscious competence ladder shows how we move throughfour different stages when learning something new. This modelcan help you to understand and manage your emotions duringthat process.

104

COMPETENCE

The conscious competence ladder Unconscious competence

Conscious competence

Conscious incompetence

Unconscious incompetence

Level 1: Unconscious incompetenceWe dont know what we dont knowThis is the level at which we are either unaware of the need for theskill or do not see the relevance or usefulness to us. Level 2: Conscious incompetenceYou know that you dont knowAt this point we become aware of how much we do not know. Doyou remember your first driving lesson? Many people will say thatthey felt completely overwhelmed with how much they neededto learn and remember thinking I will never be able to do all this.This stage of learning can be quite uncomfortable and sometimespeople wish that they hadnt begun and may even give up. If,however, you persevere you move into conscious competence. Level 3: Conscious competenceYou know that you knowThis is the stage at which we are beginning to master the skill butstill need to think about it. So with driving this was the time thatyou were mentally saying to yourself Put the key in the ignition,start the car, put my foot on the clutch, check all mirrors etc. Thisstep of the ladder often feels quite clunky. You are doing thingsdifferently but it does not feel easy or natural. After a while theinternal dialogue stops and we move to level 4.

105

COMPETENCE Level 4: Unconscious competenceYou dont think about what you knowThis is when the new behaviour has become something that youdo without thinking, it becomes second nature. The day you driveto work without remembering the journey,So you need to identify small changes that you want to make andrecord them on the action plan. Do not set yourself really difficultor challenging goals because as with any good training you needto build your muscles up gradually.And remember:If you always do what you have always done,you will always get what you have always got.

106

ACTION PLAN

Personal action planThe purpose of this action plan is to identify areas that you wantto work on and decide what action you are going to take. Lookback through the exercises in the book to help you.The great end of learning is not knowledge but action. PeterHoneyExample action plan:Area to work onReceiving compliments

ActionNext time someone compliments me I will saythank you and nothing else.

Avoiding snapping at mymother in law

Develop a banked phrase to use when shecomments on the way that I am bringing up thechildren.

Developing my self-confidence Borrow Feel the fear and do it anyway from thelibrary.Understand what assertivebehaviour looks like

Look for role models at work and noticehow they behave.

107

ACTION PLAN

My action planArea to work on

108

Action

FINAL THOUGHTS

Final thoughts

One thing I have learned over the last 25 years is that developinga strong communication capability is a journey and no-onehas completed it. This is what makes it so interesting, humanbehaviour is fascinating and people never fail to surprise me. Ihope this book has helped you on your path to becoming a moreconfident communicator and if there is anything you would like tocomment on or discuss please do contact me.There are a few final thoughts that I would like to leave you with:If you are going to grow and develop you will have to be willingto step out of your comfort zone. Please ensure that these stepsare small to begin with to allow time for your confidence andcapability to grow. Remember good learning takes time, practiseand patience.Start to observe the way other people behave and look for positiverole models. If I hear someone dealing with a situation really wellI will often jot down some of the key phrases or words that theyhave used.Things will not always go the way you want them to and when thathappens reflect on what went wrong, learn from your mistakes andthen move on and on the occasions that you get it right rememberto congratulate yourself!

Good luck and Best WishesDeborah109

FURTHER READING

Further Reading

The Self Esteem Workbook by Lynda Field978-1852306458Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers978-0091907075How to Change Absolutely Anything by Damian Hughes978-0273770916Assertiveness at Work by Ken Back and Kate Back978-0077114282Difficult Conversations by Anne Dickson978-0749926755Vital Conversations by Alec Grimsley978-0956312808Put Emotional Intelligence to Workby Jeff Feldman and Karl Mulle978-1562864828

110

EXERCISE IDEAS

Ideas for the exercises at the end of chapter 41. On a night out a few weeks ago you lent a friend 20 and shestill hasnt paid you back. You have seen her several times andhave dropped a few hints about feeling a bit short of money butshe has not offered to return the money.This requires a direct request to be made for the money. Hi, I amnot sure if you remember but when we were shopping in town youborrowed 20 from me please could I have it back?2. A colleague wants your help with a non-urgent matter. Youare happy to help however not at the moment as you want tofinish a report before you go home.I would suggest using a flipping no in this situation. You dowant to help your colleague however it is not convenient to doso now. I am more than happy to go through that with you. Ihave to finish this report today so how about we meet first thingtomorrow morning?3. You are looking for a present for a friend and the salesassistant has gone to a lot of trouble finding a range of thingsfor you to look at, however, you are not sure if they are exactlywhat you want.I would recommend using a time out phrase in this situation.Thank you very much for your help I really appreciate it. I need togo away and think about what you have shown me and make adecision.

111




Amazon.com




About the publishersUniverse of Learning Limited is a small publisher based in theUK with production in England and America. Our authors are allexperienced trainers or teachers who have taught their skills formany years. If you are interested in any of our current authorscoming to speak at your event please do email [email protected] and well pass the email on.If you would like to purchase larger numbers of books thenplease do contact us ([email protected]). We give discountsfrom 5 books upwards. For larger volumes we can also quotefor changes to the cover to accommodate your company logoand to the interior to brand it for your company.All our books are written by teachers, trainers or people wellexperienced in their roles and our goal is to help people developtheir skills with a well structured range of exercises.If you have any feedback about this book or other topics thatyoud like to see us cover please do contact us at [email protected] buy ebooks please visit www.UoLearn.com, to buy printed books visityour favorite bookseller.

Speed Writing, Heather BakerEasy exercises to learn faster writing in just 6 hours.

Successful Minute Taking, Meeting the Challenge,Heather BakerHow to prepare, write and organize agendas and minutes of meetings

Developing Your Assertiveness, Deborah DalleyUse the right words, tone and body language to behave assertively

Practical Performance Management, Steve WalkerHow to encourage the people who are already performing at their best andhow to help those who are struggling to achieve excellence.

115

Business Writing, Heather BakerHow to decide what write how to lay it out and writing for different media.

Coaching Skills Training Course, Kathryn CritchleyA toolbox of ideas to help you become a great coach.

Stress Management, Kathryn CritchleyHow to change your response to stress and become more positive aboutyour life.

Report Writing, Dr Margaret GreenhallAn easy to follow format for writing business reports

Developing Your Influencing Skills, Deborah Dalleyand Lois BurtonPacked with case studies, exercises and practical tips to becomemore influential.

How to Start a Business as a Private Tutor, GrahamWoodwardHow to get started - what you need to do and buy and how to attractcustomers.

Dreaming Yourself Aware, Joan HarthanMake positive changes to your life with easy to use tools for interpretingdreams.

Studying For Your Future, Angela HepworthPrepare yourself for study and your career.

116

About the author - Deborah DalleyDeborah was a trainer with the Greater Manchester Police and lectured atSalford University. For the last 12 years she has been running a successfultraining, coaching and consulting business.Deborah has been delivering assertive communication workshops forover 25 years for groups in the public, private and voluntary sectors. Shedelivers training sessions, coaches individuals and facilitates team eventsthat specialise in helping people successfully deal with difficult situations.She is also the co-author of the book Developing your Influencing Skills.

Would you like to be better atcommunicating your ideas and feelings?This book will provide you with the tools and techniques to become a more assertivecommunicator. It is full of practical tips, case studies and exercises. These will build your skillsand change the way you communicate to help you achieve your goals.Discover how to:9999999999

Recognise different forms of behaviour and identify your dominant behaviour typeFind ways to develop your confidence to deal with a range of situationsManage the anxiety associated with handling stressful encountersUse the right words, tone and body language to behave assertivelyCommunicate confidently when you want to say no, raise an awkward issue, stand yourground or disagree with someone99 Prepare for challenging conversations using a structured framework99 Manage your own emotions and those of others during difficult encountersOver 31 practical ideas to help you learn to communicate assertively.

What do people think of developing your assertiveness? This is the first time that I have really understood the difference between being aggressiveand being assertive. This has helped me to develop new strategies for dealing with someoneat work who I realise uses a lot of low level aggression to get what she wants. Practical and engaging!I have already used several of the suggested ways to say no to great effect so thank you! I always imagined that other people just knewhow to deal with difficult situations,I now believe that with practice anyone can manage it. The book has opened my eyes,I feel empowered and ready to take responsibility for my life. I thought this book was excellent, readable and easy to work through.

How to Be Assertiveness Book Look Inside

Documents

Transcript of How to Be Assertiveness Book Look Inside