How should I behave! Restitution can give you answers! Pall Olafsson [email protected].
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Transcript of How should I behave! Restitution can give you answers! Pall Olafsson [email protected].
How should I behave!How should I behave!Restitution can give you answers!Restitution can give you answers!
Pall Olafsson Pall Olafsson
[email protected]@gardabaer.is
Who am I?
• I'm second oldest of nine siblings • Worked as a Carpenter for 9 years• Master of social work from Sweden • Social worker in child care for 9 years • Educated in Restitution in USA • President of the Icelandic association of social
workers• Father of five children 24, 18, 12, 10 and 2 years • Part of a popular icelandic family system
Something got to change?
• Children are sexually abused– 17 % of children in Iceland
» Offender are often young boys
• Children use drugs– The Breeser generation, “light” drug users
» Use drug to have “fun” faster, easier
• Children “live” in another (virtual) reality – Internet -rules -live –friends -info
» 60 % of children have seen porno on Internet
• Children are not feeling good about them self– More use of medical products with children
» antidepressants, painkillers, psychoactive drugs
What can we do!What can we do!Teach children self control instead of Teach children self control instead of punishing ore rewarding them to behave punishing ore rewarding them to behave
Help people to learn from their mistakes Help people to learn from their mistakes instead of punishing them instead of punishing them
Believe that people are good and they Believe that people are good and they have the power to change their behaviorhave the power to change their behavior
What is Restitution?What is Restitution?
is a pay it forwardis a pay it forward
is about restoring relationshipsis about restoring relationships
is an invitation is an invitation
teaches the person to look inside teaches the person to look inside
is about looking for the need behind is about looking for the need behind the problem the problem
focuses on solutionsfocuses on solutions
restores the person to the grouprestores the person to the group
Restitution is Restitution is creating conditions for the creating conditions for the
person person
to fix their mistakes to fix their mistakes
and return to the group and return to the group
strengthenedstrengthened
Restitution comes fromRestitution comes fromFirst nations USA - Canada First nations USA - Canada
The medicine wheelThe medicine wheel
Abraham Maslow Abraham Maslow The pyramid of needsThe pyramid of needs
William Glasser William Glasser Applied Control Theory -> Choice theoryApplied Control Theory -> Choice theoryReality therapyReality therapy
William PowersWilliam PowersPerceptual control theory Perceptual control theory
Diane Gossen – RestitutionDiane Gossen – RestitutionThe five stages of controlThe five stages of controlThe five needsThe five needsThe restitution triangleThe restitution triangle
Tree reasons people behave!Tree reasons people behave!James Wilson- The moral senseJames Wilson- The moral sense
To avoid pain – what happens if I do it?To avoid pain – what happens if I do it? Punishment Punishment GuiltGuilt Consequences Consequences
For respect or reward from another – wFor respect or reward from another – what hat will I get if I do it?will I get if I do it?
Gold stars and smiley facesGold stars and smiley faces What is a good performance?What is a good performance?
For respect of self – For respect of self – Who will I be if I do Who will I be if I do this?this?
What kind of person do I want to be?What kind of person do I want to be? Is it ok to make a mistake? Is it ok to make a mistake? What does it say about me if I do it? What does it say about me if I do it?
Brain-Based Research Tells Brain-Based Research Tells Us:Us:
Brain-Based Learning by Eric JensenBrain-Based Learning by Eric Jensen
People lose interest in activities when People lose interest in activities when they feel coerced or manipulated.they feel coerced or manipulated.
If you threaten people it may foster If you threaten people it may foster more of the same behaviormore of the same behavior
Children who feel threatened by Children who feel threatened by adults are least likely to change their adults are least likely to change their behavior. behavior.
PRECURSORS TO VIOLENCEPRECURSORS TO VIOLENCEJames GilliganJames Gilligan
1.1. D Do not feel part of the o not feel part of the group.group.
2. 2. Do not have Do not have behaviors to deal behaviors to deal with frustration. with frustration.
3. 3. Feel shame of being Feel shame of being ashamed.ashamed.
Changing our thinking! Control Theory ViewControl Theory View Stimulus-Response ViewStimulus-Response View
Our realities are different Our realities are different ----------------------------------
Everyone sees different pictures ------Everyone sees different pictures ------
We try to understand other’s views--- We try to understand other’s views---
All behavior is purposeful ---------------All behavior is purposeful ---------------
I can only control myself -----------------I can only control myself -----------------
I cannot control others --------------------I cannot control others --------------------
Win/win mental model ---------------------Win/win mental model ---------------------
Our realities are the sameOur realities are the same
Everyone sees the same pictureEveryone sees the same picture
We conform others to our viewWe conform others to our view
Misbehavior is seen as badMisbehavior is seen as bad
Others control meOthers control me
I can control othersI can control others
Win/ lose mental modelWin/ lose mental model
Academic achievement is traced to
Technical factorsTechnical factors 6%6%
Factors beyondFactors beyondthe school’s controlthe school’s control 18%18%
Quality of Quality of human interactionhuman interaction 76%76%
Therapist - client
• ““The quality of the counselling relationship The quality of the counselling relationship has consistently been found to have the has consistently been found to have the most significant impact on successful most significant impact on successful client outcome.”client outcome.”
• To have a success in counselling you must have good relationship
Fortune 500Important Job Skills
• 1970s• 1. Writing • 2. Math- skills • 3. Reading• 4. Talking • 5. Listening
• Today• 1. Teamwork• 2. Problem solving• 3. Interpersonal skills• 4. Talking• 5. Listening
Chill time - cooling time – to be able to use your brain!Never try to have a discussion when people are feeling;
angry, mad, irritated or afraid
Freeze!What's the time ?
Is it 10 45?
Adult
Does
Adult
Says
Legacy
Youth
Says
Youth
OutcomeRepeat Offense
Yells and Points
If you don't doit I'll....
RebelBlame
I don't care
Punisher
Adult
Does
Adult
Says
Legacy
Youth
Says
Youth
Outcome
Preaches andShoulds
You should haveknown better
Hide Deny Lie
I'm sorry
Low self-esteem
Guilter
AdultDoes
AdultSays
Legacy
YouthSays
Youth
Outcome
Makes excusesfor them
Do it for me
Dependency
I thought youwere my friend
Weakness
Buddy
AdultDoes
AdultSays
Legacy
YouthSays
Youth
Outcome
Counts and Measures
What's the rule?
Conformity
How high,How far?
Consequenceoriented
Monitor
AdultDoes
AdultSays
Legacy
YouthSays
YouthOutcome
AsksQuestions
What doyou believe?
Strengthen
What can I doto fix it?
Self restitution
Manager
Rules Beliefs Monitor of Consequences Manager of
Restitution
• What’s the rule?• What’s the
consequence?• What did you do?• What happens now?
• What do we believe?• Do you believe it?• If you believe it, do
you want to fix this?• If you fix it, what does
that say about you?
It's not what you say It's how you say it that's important! Professor Albert Mehrabian of UCLA
7%
38%
55%
Words Tone Face and body
First nations “Medicine wheel”First nations “Medicine wheel”
Diane’s Circle of needs
Belonging Power
Fun Freedom
Survival
• Wants to be liked• Very sociable
• Works hard for other’s approval. • Peers are important
• Enjoys activities that are cooperative
Belonging
• Wants to be in control• Observes before trying new things
• Distressed by mistakes• Very organized, systematic
• Likes to be the best
Power
• Wants choices• Needs to move around• Loves to experiment• Not so influenced by others• Tries anything new and engaging
Freedom
• Wants to enjoy work• Amusing even when misbehaving• Collectors: Love games• Jokester; Clowns around
Fun
• Food• Shelter• Sleep• Wellness
Survival
I’m like this at home!PowerPower
Belonging Belonging
FunFun
FreedomFreedom
I’m like this at work!PowerPower
Belonging Belonging
FunFun
FreedomFreedom
How are you?
at home, in school, with friends, at work ……..
PowerPower
Belonging Belonging
Fun Fun
FreedomFreedom
Topics
• Restitution in consultation– The restitution triangle– Restitution for your family
• Restitution at work– The circle– Giant steps– Little groups
• The needs– The need behind the behavior