An Educational Brand Book

How NOT to be a Bender

You don’t hear much about hockey players in themedia, probably because they don’t get in trouble likeNBA, NFL, and MLB athletes, and let’s face it, ESPN doesn’tcare about us. The truth is, hockey players are a special brandof fun loving, fowl mouthed, stick wielding, ice acrobats. Andif you’re thinking about joining their ranks, there is a lot youneed to know if you don’t want to look like a fool.

This guide will teach you!

Vocabulary Lesson

Plug - A really bad player who serves no useful function to the team.

Like an ape on skates.

Bananas are a tropical fruit, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

The GearYou don’t want new gear.

Everything else should have

BATTLE SCARS, even if they’re

not yours.

Sticks, gloves, helmets, and skates can be new.

BadGood

If you look like a rook, this could happen to you:

Earn Your Salt

1. Steal the rook’s mouth guard2. Spray some water on it3. Cover it in salt – be sneaky so

he doesn’t wash it off4. Watch his face

Find Your MaskAre over 18?

YesNo

Did you play juniors or better?

Are you a badass?

Do you have dental insurance?

Do You like fish?

What about birds?

Get a fishbowl

Get a birdcage

Does your insurance cover eyes?

No

No

No

YesYes

No

Get a Halfer

Yes

Yes

No mask

YesYes

Have you ever scored?

Yes

No

START HERE

Frequently?

Yes

No

Ever fought?

Yes

No

Are you a girl?

No

Yes

Do you have a celly?

Yes

No

Are you playing with

benders?

No

Yes

Care about your face?

Yes

No

Know Your RolePart 1

Snipers - These guys could knock the ref’s whistle out of his mouth from 50 feet and they score more goals in one season than most guys score in their lives.

These guys have the softest mitts on the team and can send sweet, sweet sauce, tape to tape anywhere on the ice. They may have an extra eye or two, because they see everything. Pair one with a sniper and watch that lamp light up.

Playmakers -

Danglers - Basically stick wizards. Physics doesn’t apply to them and after they put the puck through your chin strap, slide between your legs, and and tuck the biscuit in the basket, you should check to see that you didn’t lose your jock.

The Locker Room

A place where fowl things dwell, but are never to escape. It’skinda like Vegas without the gambling, drugs, and hookers.

Vocabulary Lesson #2

Terms for Scoring

Sniping Twine

Putting the Biscuit in the basketLight the Lamp

Going top Shelf

Going Bar Down

Going 5-hole

Roofing it

Bottle Knocker

Vocabulary Lesson #3

Don’t Be These – Terms for Bad PlayersIf your teammates are calling you any of these, it means you suck…

Bender

Tripod

Duster

Pylon

Sieve

4th Liner

Don’t complain about the smell, embrace it as the scent of glory.

How to Get DressedAdopt a routine and stick to it.

1. Jock2. Shin Pads (Left First)3. Socks (Left First)4. Pants5. Skates (Left First)6. Elbow Pads (Left First)7. Shoulder Pads8. Jersey9. Helmet10.Gloves (Left First)11.Mouth guard

It doesn’t matter how you get dressed, everyone has their routine. The key is sticking to it, no matter how bizarre; we’re a superstitious people and fear the wrath of the Hockey Gods.

This is mine

Don’t break your routine, it angers the hockey gods.

Right skate first! What blasphemy is this? I

sentence you to a 12 game scoring drought.

Pro Tip - PranksSkate Tape

1. Grab some clear sock tape2. Find an unattended skate3. Put a strip on the blade4. Watch that sucker fall on his face

Injury Playable Notes

Broken Finger Yes Tape that mini-twig up and keep playing.

Cuts Yes Unless it's life threatening, stop the bleeding, then get back out there.

Broken Foot Yes Get some pain killers and keep going.

Broken Ribs Yes Try not to get hit there again.

Punctured Lung Yes Unless it's collapsed you can play.

Tooth Loss Yes Forget the Chiclets, you can get new ones later.

Broken Jaw Yes Put a mask on while healing, problem solved.

Broken Arm/Wrist Maybe If you can hold a stick, you can play.

Separated Shoulder Yes Pop it back in and hop back in.

Bruises Yes Bruises aren't injuries, this isn't soccer.

Broken Leg No Finish your shift and get that checked out.

Concussion No The doc won't let you, but if you don't tell him…

Torn Ligaments Maybe Depends where it is, knees mean know, fingers mean yes.

Broken Nose Yes Not really an injury, shove some tissues up there and keep playing.

Muscle Strains Yes Play through it and stretch better next time

Time for: CAN YOU STILL PLAY?

Pro Tip - PranksThe Mummy

1. Get a couple teammates2. Grab a role of saran wrap3. Have your teammate immobilize

the victim.4. Wrap him up good and tight

Bonus:Leave him in Zamboni snow.

Style Guide -It’s not what you wear, it’s how you rock it

Pants

Suspenders are still cool, so wear those britches right. Saggers will be crushed and carted off.

Pro Tip - PranksThe Ego Adjuster

1.Take Mr. Ego’s helmet2.Adjust it so that it’s on the smallest

possible setting3.Let him try to cram it onto his head4.Pepper in phrases like: “Bucket too

small for that ego, eh?”

Style Guide -It’s not what you wear, it’s how you rock it

Your Jersey and You

Back TuckSays either your pants are too big or your jersey is too small and you don’t care.

Full TuckGo home.

Side TuckTuck it top hand side, you’re a dangler. Wrong side, wrong sport.

No TuckThe classic style fit for all players.

Know Your RolePart 2

Grinders - They may not have much skill, but they’ll work you to death in the corners and come up big on penalty kills. They’re the role players that don’t get the glory, but make it possible.

You might think these big fisted face mashers are useless, but they’re actually important. See, without the goons, people could hurt the snipers, danglers, and playmakers. The goons keep those guys safe, they’re like hockey’s police force.

Goons -

Goalies - Okay, goalies are crazy. Really, they’re jumping in front of speeding projectiles and they like it. They’re a special breed, so you better protect them. A simple rule, bad guy touches goalie, bad guy dies.

Style Guide -Taping Your Stick

YesNo

Unless you’re a goalie, keep that knob thin and tight. It’s not a club.

This is a black or white issue, no colored tape.

Protect that blade, tape it heel to toe.

Unless you’re in squirts, don’t do special designs. You’re just embarrassing yourself.

(if you have a hatty every game, do whatever you want)

Know all this:

2 or more ~200 lbs objects colliding at a combined 60 MPH

Hitting

Believe it or not, there are rules for hitting in hockey. You can’t:

• Leave your feet• Target the head• Hit a player without the puck• Hit knee to knee• Use your stick• Use your hands• Take 3 or more strides before contact• Hit from behind

The simple version is: don’t be a jackass

HittingYou can still rock some worlds. Here’s how:

1. Find the puck carrier2. Line him up3. Build up some speed4. Glide before contact5. Get low6. Lean in with your shoulder7. Make contact at rib-height8. Drive up and through with your legs9. Watch the yard sale.

Kids, keep your heads up.

Danglology 101

Hockey has many sick dangles, the all time classic is the Toe Drag.

Others to see and know:

Spin-O-Rama

Thru-The-Legs Windmill

Flip

The ForsbergAnything Datsyukian

The Shots

The Slapshot

If you’ve got time and a clear lane, let one of these fly.aka: Clapper or Howitzer

The Wristshot

It’s your most accurate shot, but it takes a little time to get off.

The Snapshot

It’s Mr. Popular. Hard, accurate, and quick to get off. It’s all in the wrists, Chubbs, the wrists.(see: Happy Gilmore)

The Backhand

No, it’s not dead. Use this sneaky shot on dekes and rushes.

You don’t hit the puck, you shoot it.

Pick Your Shot

Do you have the puck?

YesNo

Why are you thinking about

shooting?

Are you in the offensive zone

Yes

No

Don’t shoot.

Where in the offensive zone?

Point SlotCircles Dots

Is the goalie down?

Rip a wrister top 90 short side

Snap it low far side.

No

Yes

Is it a breakaway?

No

Yes Snapper over the blocker.

Deke and roof a backhand.

How’s your wristshot?

Anybody in front of you?

Bad

Good

NoYes

Will you hit them?

No

Yes

Rip a wrister top 90 far side

Move…

Time to wind up?

Blast a slapper

No

Yes

Snap it over the pad

Anybody in front of you?

Are your guys in front?

But I wannashoot high.

It’ll cause a blocked shot breakaway.

Don’t shoot.

Low slapper for a deflection.

Your teammate doesn’t want a

puck in the chops. Don’t be an idiot.

No

Yes

Blast that biscuit.

Will you hit them?

No

Yes

No

Yes

Get the puck .

I’m pretty sure you have other things to worry

about right now…

Move…

Start Here

LIGHTING THE LAMP – The CellySniping twine is one of the best feelings on earth, enjoy it with a sick celly.

What’s a celly? These:

Forget the Touchdown Dance

We love celly’s so much, they’re a legit part of practice

Some Classics: • The Cowboy• The Kayak• The Swordsman• The Fire Hydrant• The Swimmer• The Running man

If some tripod is doing too many celly’s you gotta put him in his place

It’s time for BEAKS

No, not these beaks.

Beaks or ChirpsEither way, you’re talking smack.

Hockey rules for smack talk:

1.Nothing’s off limits2.Be clever3.Be personal4.Don’t do it if you can’t back it up5.Do it away from the refs6.The most distracting beak is the best

Here are some other things that could land you in the cubicle of shame.

The Sin Bin

FightingRoughing

SlashingHooking

HoldingCross-Checking

Boarding

Checking from behind

Spearing

Butt-ending

InterferenceDiving (hint, hint, soccer)

Instigating

It’s not a fun place, you don’t want to go there.

Cubicle of Shame

What’s with all the beards?

Zeus had a kick-ass beard, why shouldn’t we?

Okay, it has nothing to do with Zeus, sorry big guy.

The beard is a playoff tradition.So long as your team is still fighting for the Cup (or

38 cent medals) you keep your beard growing

It’s a symbolof Strength, endurance, and toughness.

It says, “I will conquer all.”

Or with being cold.

Post-GameNow that you’re all smelly and the game is over, what’re you supposed to do.

Uh… relive it for the next 15-30 minutes as you peel off all

your gear.

• Bag on teammates who made bad plays• Brag about the sweet plays• Complain about the refs and the benders on the other team

Things you could do:

The Shower You stink… Soap + Sandals. ‘Nough Said

At Home Air that bacteria farm out. This is hockey, not chemical warfare.

Hopefully This HelpedGood Luck and Don’t Forget Your Cup