Hope for Parents of Troubled Teens

8/3/2019 Hope for Parents of Troubled Teens

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Contents

Itroducto: What Ca You Do? 11

1. Where Dd Ths Kd Come From, Ayway? 15

2. Gettg to Kow Your Adolescet 33

3. Moms ad Dads, Husbads ad Wes 52

4. What Parets Need s. What Kds Need Equals

Coct 69

5. Lste Here! Or Lste, Hear 85

6. Peer Pressure Goes Two Ways 101

7. Kds Need Somethg to Do 112

8. Tees ad the Uatural Hgh 133

9. The Lure o Sex 150

10. Rebello ad Ruaways 171

11. Hae We Doe Aythg Rght? 189

12. Keepg It Together Whe It Gets Bad 200

Reereces 213


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1

Where Did This KidCome From, Anyway?

We were drg to churchust my husbad ad I. S-

lently. Finally, I said, Hae we been too hard? Toostrict? Too unbending? Maybe we should hae gien

in more, let him do some things een i we werent comortable

wth them.

More silence. Then my husband replied, He did eerything

he wated to dowhether we OKd t or ot. Loo where t got

him. What else could we hae done? What could we hae done

dferetly ad stll bee true to our coctos?

More silence. We were both thining. Wondering. Stee was

sae or the momet the couty al. It was amazg how the

worries lited when we knew where he was and that he couldnt get

to more troubleor the tme beg. He was remorseul. Aga.

This was the third, or was it the ourth time he was incarcerated?

The rst tmes had bee to uele deteto. We celebrated hs

eghteeth brthday a ty room uele hallad the they

moed hm across the street to the couty al.We were the ones responsible or his rst arrest. Ater seeral

incidents, promises made and broen, we went to the uenile

authorities and ased them to help us. They did. They arrested


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Hope for Parents of Troubled Teens

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hm ad coed hm. He was agry. The mute he got out, o

probato wth all ds o restrctos, he was of to be wth hs

riendsthe same ones he was getting into trouble with. Thent was oly a matter o tme beore he was pced up agaor

possesso o maruaa.

Stee had wrtte checs o our amlys meager ba accout.

Hed pawed amly tems. Hed borrowed hs athers truc to

run around in when he was supposed to be in school. He didnt

hae a lcese. Hs ather taught the uor hgh school across

the street rom the hgh school. May tmes he let at the ed o

the day thg he had pared hs truc oe place ad oud

t aother. Shag hs head, he blew t of to poor memory.

Then there was the day when he pulled into a neighborhood

gas stato to ll up the ta. Ma, your truc must really bur

up the gas. Your so was ust here ad lled t.

We had prayed that he would ot get away wth aythgad

God honored our prayer. At one point we sat in the oce o the

probato ocer (PO) wth our so, hopg to d a way to stopthis rush to destruction. He was in big trouble now. The PO was

giing him the opportunity to coness to eerything he had eer

doe, or mmuty. Our so looed at us ad wth a solem shae

o his head, said, They now everything I hae eer done; and

the to us, Hae I mssed aythg? We ddt th so. God was

aithul, and we made sure our son and the probation ocer knew it.

Out o al oce aga, we helped hm get a ob. We let hm be

home aga, as he earestly attempted to get hs le o trac. But

the temptations were too great, the will too weak, and he was back

trouble aga.

Thansgiing Ee, middle o the night, we receied a phone

call rom the sherfs oce. He had bee arrested, oce aga, or

possesso o maruaa. We were expectg a houseul o amly

and riends or Thanksgiving dinner. We were heartbroken, embar-

rassed, rghteed, ad we stll had to eterta.It was hard to tell the amily again. Eeryone had hoped and

prayed he was ally o the way to gettg t together. We eared

dferetly, but stll we hoped. Stll we prayed, Whateer t taes.


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Where Did This Kid Come From, Anyway?

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So here we were.

The last time we had been in court with our son, the udge

had sad he ddt eer wat to see hm aga beore hs des. Hemade t clear that there was a ext tme, he would go away or

a log tme.

Our son had had a three-year history o orging checs, auto

thet, rug awayall crmes wth the amly. We could hae

oerlooed them. We could hae excused them. We could hae

threatened and required restitution. In act, we did all o those

thgs. Nothg made a dferece. We wet to the authortes or

backup, to orce him into complianceand now he was acing real

prso tme. We were earul. We were remorseul. We wodered

our rghteousess had codemed our so to mprsomet

wth elos, murderers, ad rapsts. What had we doe?

Hope Becomes Reality

Today, Stee has bee marred more tha twety-e years ad s

the ather o two grow chldre. He has bee a successul bus-

nessman, an entrepreneur, a planner, and a developer. He is a good

man. He honors his ather and his mother and appreciates his

siblings and extended amily. Lie has not always been easy. He

leared hs rst trade whle a e-moth drug treatmet pro-

gramthe alterate to prso tme. We hred a lawyer who ery

drectly put t to Stee: prso or treatmet program. You choose.He chose the treatmet program wth o hope that t would mae

a dferece or hm.

We were so earul he would bolt aga that we pced hm up

at the couty alhouse door, loced hm the bacseat o the car

(chld locs!), held oto hm rom both sdes whle we stopped at

the local musc store to buy hm a gutar (Chrstmas preset), ad

three hours later, delivered him into the hands o the intake personat the treatmet ceter. He ew he was ree to leae at ay tme,

but the momet he would do so, a all-pots bullet would be

ssued or hs arrest, ad hs ext stop would be prso. He stayed.


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Two wees ater eterg the program, they allowed hm to call

homeourChrstmas preset. Mom, Dad, I wat you to ow

Ie turned my lie oer to Christ. Im going to mae it. Ill stayhere as log as t taes. It too e moths.

ur Children re Unique

Sometmes le seems so uar. Just about the tme we eel we are

getting it all together, along comes a precious little bundle o

joy and energy who doesnt necessarily live up to our expectations.I we already hae a child who is totally delightul (yes, they do

exist!), the shock may be doubly staggering. And then we compare

ourselves to that perect amily who has only happy, manageable

chldreor at least appears to. Ad we woder.

It would be wonderul i all newborns were indeed a tabula

rasa, as Joh Loce suggested bac the 1600sa bla sheet o

paper, upo whch experece wrtes. We could be perect parets,

mprtg oly the best thgs o our chldres absorbet lttle

minds, and they would all turn out wonderully well. Or would

they? What a burde to put upo the parets o the world!

No, God had a dferet pla. Each o our chldre s bor wth

a unique and many-aceted personality. Dr. James Dobson o Focus

o the Famly sad t ths way: Just as surely as some chldre are

aturally complat, there are others who seem to be deat upo

exit rom the womb. They come into the world smoing a cigarand yelling about the temperature in the deliery room and the

competece o the ursg staf. They expect meals to be sered

the stat they are ordered, ad they demad eery momet o

mothers tme.1

Most parents o more than one child are well aware o their

childrens temperament diferencesespecially the diferences that

are annoying or that cause amily disturbances. But sometimes,

the daless o lg, we lose sght o the ddualty o the

1. James Dobson, The New Strong-Willed Child (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House,1972).


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child. We nd ourselves ghting with behaviors that might represent

some specal character trat that eeds to be recogzed ad deel-

oped to a stregth. I the mmature expresso o that trat, wed ourseles rrtated ad rustrated, so stead o aalyzg the

temperamet o the chld, we beg to ll somethg that mght

be qute mportat years to come.

Dr. Roger Wllams commeted hs boo You Are Extraor-

dinary o a study that was doe by the Meger Foudato.2

Oe hudred twety-eght babes were obsered rom oe moth

o age utl almost eght moths o age. Eerythg about them

was watched careully, rom diaper habits to eeding, sleeping,

playing, crying, bathing. Mared personality diferences showed

up as soon as they could be obsered. Some babies were bold.

Others were shy. Some reacted quicly to stimuli. Others didnt

ee seem to otce. Some could tolerate teso ad rustrato.

Others ell apart. These were all babies considered normal in

eery sese o the word.

This distinctiveness, this uniqueness o the individual stays witheach o our children as they mature. In spite o the act that we

mae bold attempts to mold them to a partcular patter o our

choice and conenience, they remain who they are. Maybe i

we could recogze who they are whe they are small, we mght

aod certa problems whe they are bgger.

Training Our Children, for Better or Worse

May parets quote Proerbs 22:6 to assure themseles that

they teach their children Christian ways, they will eventually come

bac to their early training. But this Scripture can also be taen

as a warning: Train up a child in the way he should go [and in

keeping with his individual git or bent], and when he is old he will

ot depart rom t. Ths mples that we are careul to dscoer

the uqueess that les wth our chld ad use that ddualty

2. Roger Wllams, You Are Extraordinary (New Yor: Pyramd Publcatos,1976).


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as a tool in our parenting, we will mae a considerable positie

mpact o our chlds le.

O the other had, we ca tra our chldre negatively as well.I we eglect to tra careully, cosderg the ddual eeds o

a particular youngster, we will unintentionally train them to go

the wrog way. The mpact o ths d o trag may reach us

whe our chldre reach adolescece.

Psalm 139:1318 describes the beauty o our individuality beore

God. The psalmist praises God or the earul and awesome wonder

o his birth. He speaks o being intricately and curiously wrought

[as embrodered wth arous colors] (. 15). He marels at the

revelation that Gods eyes saw his unormed substance, and in Your

boo all the days [o my le] were wrtte beore eer they too

shape, whe as yet there was oe o them (. 16). He woders

at the umerable thoughts o God toward hm, ad reels the

owledge that God loes hm.

I the wsdom o God, each o our chldre has bee bor wth

a special capacity to loe and sere God, and has been gien theuqueess o temperamet to do the ob well.

As parets, we ote despar at the wlluless, the cocess,

the deceitulness, the rebellious-type spirit we hae seen in cer-

ta o our chldre. But maybe we hae msterpreted ad ms-

hadled a depedet, create, potetal leader by our lac o

uderstadg.

Aother questo parets ote as s how these ds ca be so

diferent when weve raised them basically the same way. Given the

extraordary dfereces we d chldre, t s o woder they

do ot, caot, respod to smlar crcumstaces smlar ways.

Each brings his own distinctie interpretation to lie situations

ad to hs ow uque eeds. How each chld percees hs wats

beg met wll hae a maor efect o hs uderstadg o hs le.

Individualized Spaces

I addto to bor persoalty trats, each chld has certa

specic adustments to mae as a direct result o his particular


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situation. Birth order in the amily, genders o siblings, the number

o children in the amily, the multiple complexities o relationships

between parents and childrenall give each child a very individual-zed space wth the amly ut.

Also, parets chage. Famly structures chage. Eromets

chage. Sometmes amles chage drastcally cases o separa-

to, dorce, or death. All o these hae a drect uece o each

o the children in our homebut the message o that inuence

may be dferet or each chld.

Stages of Child Growth and Development

Just as each o our chldre s dferet rom the others, so he

s, paradoxcally, ery much the same hs stages o growg up.

A quic course in Child Growth and Deelopment might loo

somethg le ths:3

BABIES . . . Beautul . . . Bawlg

ONES . . . Wsome . . . Warrg

TWOS . . . Teder . . . Terrble

THREES . . . Trustg . . . Tryg

FOURS . . . Fu . . . Fearul

FIVES . . . Fabulous . . . Fghtg

SIX . . . Seste . . . Sluggg

SEVEN . . . Serous . . . Sour

EIGHT . . . Acte . . . Achg

NINE . . . Nce . . . Naughty

TEN . . . Terrc . . . Tempestuous

ELEVEN . . . Eolg . . . Escapg

TWELVE . . . Tatalzg . . . Troubled

TEENS . . . Terrc . . . TERRIFYING!

Some children seem to always be on the good side o the

diagram, with maybe an occasional slip over to the not-so-good.

3. Chart adapted rom Fraces L. Ilg ad Louse Bates Ames, The Gesell In-stitutes Child Behavior: From Birth to Ten (New Yor: Harper & Row, 1955).


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Others neer seem to leae the ar right, and their parents are

always coping with behavior that leaves them exhausted both men-

tally ad physcally, but especally emotoally. Stll other chldremoe bac and orth between easy-to-lie-with and hard-to-

le-wth relately smoothly.

Each o these oe-word descrptos s a oergeeralzato,

but it represents realistic and normal behavior or these general age

categores. Wth these categores, chldre respod to le ad to

circumstances depending upon their individual temperament, their

ow partcular patter o growth ad geeral deelopmetad

ee the tme o day!

Parenting Styles

An equally important actor that inuences our childrens deci-

sions and attitudes is the philosophy o child-rearing that each

paret, ddually, brgs to the amly. Most parets tra therchldre a way that seems comortable to them. I the mdst o

much cousg ad ee cotradctg adce rom the experts

(ad ot-so-expert), most mothers ad athers stll deelop ther

ow way o dealg wth ther chldre. They may completely ac-

cept the way they were rased ad ollow through wth ther ow

children. Or they may completely reect their parents practices,

or all somewhere in between. Whateer they end up doing, the

style o paretg that emerges wll hae a strog uece o thedeelopmet o each o ther chldre.

Four geeral styles o paretg hae bee obsered, wth each

style uecg chldre specc ways.

The Authoritarianparent is one who demands complete con-

trol oer hs chld. Whle they may usty ths approach arous

ways, the underlying motivation is oten a desire to control, or ear

that something will happen to the child, or the belie that the childis incapable o taking care o himsel. The child oten responds with

what appears to be a deal ature. He s obedet, well-behaed,

and easy to get along with. But oten there is an unnoticed volcano


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growg beeath the surace because the chld may ot be allowed

to express hmsel or grow aturally to a depedet perso.

His good behaior may be caused by ear. This child may beginto mae hs ow decsos as soo as he realzes hs parets cat

control him anymore. And his dependency on others to make deci-

sos or hm could put hm stuatos where he wll go alog

wth the crowd rather tha use good udgmet.

The Autocratic paret s smlar to the authortara paret,

but s characterzed by a more mpatet ad demadg atttude.

Its the Do t yesterday approach pared wth cosderate ad

inconsistent parental control. Moties are oten selsh and sel-

cetered, expectg much but gg lttle to help the chld grow to

independence. The child may respond with submissive behavior, but

ot wthout a ght. He ote loos sulle or moroseot a ery

pleasat persoalty to be aroud. He may ee deelop erous

tcs or eurotc behaor ad may be depedet o someoe else

to ru hs le. Whe he gets old eough, he may d ery specc

ways to assert hs mmature depedece ad tetoally hurtor embarrass hs parets.

The Indiferent paret s ot ge ths label because o a lac

o loe or hs chld. Ths paret may deed care ad be cocered

or his childs welare, but is so preoccupied with his own lie pursuits

that he has lttle tme or eergy to ge to hs growg ofsprg. He

allows the child much reedom and little restraint. He gies little

afecto or sgs o carg. Or, he perodcally shows a lot o at-

teto ad the wthdraws aga to hs ow terests. The chld

almost appears to be rasg hmsel. Depedg o the qualty o

the environment he is living in at school, church, and home, and the

character o other sgcat persos hs le, he may get alog

quite well. But oten there is an underlying eeling o resentment

and anger toward any proposed authority over his lieschool, the

law, ayoe superso oer hm. He may be argumetate, a

ghter, a poor studet, rebellous. I he doest hae someoe his lie he can relate to in a positive way, he may become delinquent.

The Democratic paret loos good o paper. Mom ad Dad

are willing to listen and discuss problems. They encourage the child


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to express hs eelgs about amly relatoshps. They accept the

chlds rght to mae decsos about matters that ole hm ad

trust him to make good judgments about his personal behavior. Thechild is usually riendly, basically cooperative, expressive, lled with

good deas, ad motated to do ad to be. He s wllg to ace

ew challeges ad ee loos or them. Howeer, the democratc

parents who do not combine democracy with a clear understanding

o a childs immaturity and the need or a certain degree o parental

authority, could hae trouble maintaining their own preerences

regardg ther chlds acttes through the tee years.

It is important that there is a good balance between control and

autoomy, betwee warmth ad a lac o cocer, or the chld to

be balaced hs approach to le.

Obously, the most efecte style o paretg s oe that helps

ree each ddual chld to become hs ow best perso. At rst

t may seem smple to aalyze ad adust a paretg style to our

childrens adantage. Howeer, theres a catch! Parents are also

caught the bd o ther own persohood, ther relatoshp tooe aother the marrage, ad to possble cotradctos ph-

losophies o discipline and child-rearing. In addition, the individual

temperaments o our children cause us to react in diferent ways. We

may use dferet patters o paretg wth each o our chldre.

Perhaps the greatest reaso to be aware o paretg styles s to

help us analyze our responses to each o our children, individually,

and to discover how we may have been using a mode o interaction

wth oe or seeral o our chldre that has ot oly bee efec-

te, but may hae cotrbuted to some o our problems. Itisnever

toolate to mae chages. Especally we ca commucate our

lac o uderstadg to that partcular chld, as hs orgeess,

ad mae a ew start.

Scriptural dvice for Raising ur Children

The Scrptures ge may suggestos or chld-rearg. Uortu-

ately, some parets hae msuderstood what they hae read or


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bee told, ad hae doe damage to ther chldres psyche the

process. Some portos o bblcal truth, tae out o cotext or

wthout regard to othertruths, ca be msleadg.For example, one dicult passage o Scripture is Proverbs 23:1314:

Do ot wthhold dscple rom a chld; you push them wth

the rod, they wll ot de. Push them wth the rod ad sae them

rom death (niv). Some well-meag but ll-ormed parets hae

actually made a parental practice o whipping their children regularly

or the most minor o inractions because they earnestly beliee it

s Gods wll. These same parets are dsmayed whe ther chldre

ally grow old eough to ght bac whateer way they ca.

We ca d the real meag o that partcular scrptural ad-

monition when we read the context. The reluctant, or detached,

parent is admonished not to withhold discipline rom the child.

The parent has not been doing his job, and while discipline implies

trag ad a correcto o steps, t also mples that pushmet

may sometimes be necessary. The rod the passage reers to is

the reed-lie grass ound so abundantly in the marshy places oPaleste. Le gradmothers gree stc, t could ge a stg-

ing reminder without bruising the body. Parents need to know that

sometimes loving our children means giving them temporary pain.

They also need to now and understand the diference between

a log step o correcto ad the harsh, emotoal, udgmetal

brusg o the body and the sprt.

The Gift of the Parents Faith

The most precous gt we ca ge our chldre s that o our-

seles ad our tme. I Deuteroomy 6:59, God ges parets the

ormula or rasg chldre who wll be most lely to accept ther

parets ath. You (mom and dad) shall loe the Lord your God

wth all your [md ad] heart. . . . Ad these words . . . shall be

[rst] your [ow] mds ad hearts; [the] you shall whet adsharpen them so as to make them penetrate, and teach and impress

them dlgetly upo the [mds ad] hearts o your chldre (.

57, talcs added).


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How do we whet and sharpen the words o aith and belie in

God so as to make them penetrate into the depths o our childrens

hearts? The words whet ad sharpen hae some ery appropratemeags. Whet, amog other thgs, meas to stmulate the ap-

pette. It meas to mae our chldre wat what we hae. It also

means to kindle or to quickento stir up action o some sort.

Faith causes us to act in response to the truths we believe. The word

sharpen challeges us to be clear ad dstct the example we

set beore our chldreto be ee, eager, wde-awae, watchul,

ad glat the ways we relate to our amly.

It appears that our ath God, as parets, must be more tha

a hand-me-down. It must be actie. But our actions must hae

words to go with them, because the next words in Deuteronomy

tell us that we must tal o them whe you st your house ad

whe you wal by the way, ad whe you le dow ad whe you

rse up (. 7). Furthermore, our ath ad bele must be obous

to all: Bd them as a sg upo your had, ad they shall be as

rotlets (orehead bads) betwee your eyes. Ad you shall wrtethem upon the doorposts o your house and on your gates (vv. 89).

Answering to God

But ee the there are o guaratees. Deuteroomy goes o to

gie the warning: Then beware lest you orget the Lord (6:12).

There are many Scriptures that give warning to willul and rebellious

chldre. God, Hs te loe ad sese o ar play, has geeach o us the power o choicethe choice to love and serve Him, or

not. We must recogze ad accept the act that our chldre hae a

choice as well. They will, each one individually, leave the comortable

place o paretal authorty ad stad beore God, aloe, to mae

that decso. Our ob as parets s ot oly to help them progress

toward Hm but also to aod hindering them rom establshg a

oe-o-oe relatoshp wth Chrst as ther Lord ad Saor.Fathers, do ot rrtate ad prooe your chldre to ager [do

not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in

the trag ad dscple ad the cousel ad admoto o the


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Lord (Ephesas 6:4). (That goes or mothers, too.) Oh that we

could all maage to daly le that Scrpture our relatoshps

wth our chldre! But we are also huma. We hae our bad daysad good days. Ad some o those days are hard o our chldre.

Going Beyond the Parenting Verses

As parets, we must realze that all o Scrpture s our source o

le ad cousel. Too ote, we al to uderstad that what Gods

Word says to us about relatoshps geeral also apples to our

children. For example, we could paraphrase Matthew 5:2324:

Whe you come to church ad remember that your chld has ay

grieance against you, leavethechurch and go mae peace with

your child! Then come back to church and present yoursel to God.

Matthew 18:15, paraphrased, might read: I your child wrongs

you, show hm hs ault, betweenyouandhimalone.

Wse paretg s may thgs. But perhaps most mportat, t

s a sprt o humlty. We must be ready to admt our ow short-comgs to our chldre. We eed to as ther orgeess whe t

is called or. We must be real people in all things. We must be ready

to orgive our child, even i that child is not asking our orgiveness.

Our children need many things rom us. They need our loe,

our acceptace, our careul dscple, ad our orgeess. Each

o our chldre s a specal gt rom God. The gt eeds a lot o

tender caresometimes more than we are prepared to give because

o our ow umet eeds ad dececes character.

Parent Pain

Sometimes we wonder: Why this child? Why me, Lord? We truly

tried, but we just couldnt make it work. Maybe God made a mistake.

Maybe we made a mistake. This child should never have been born.Years ago, I sat in a group o people and cried inside when I

heard a mother say, We went through hell or eight years. The

oly rele we got was whe he ded.


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Parents o wayward children oten acillate between wishing

ther chld out o ther les ad earg he wll leae them. There

s o rele, oly momets less paul tha others.We do ask the question Why? many times over. Sometimes we

th we ow why, whch usually becomes gult oer some small,

or large, thg we remember we dd to that chld the process o

hs growg up. There are o easy huma aswers to the why. But

there s a aswer rom God.

God Has a Plan

The Scrptures remd us oer ad oer that God s charge.

May parets ca quote Romas 8:28 (kjv)Ad we ow that

all things wor together or good . . .and do it requently in

the mdst o ther troubles. But solatg that partcular erse o

Scrpture, we mss the teded message. Yes, all thgs do wor

together or our good the oerall prodetal pla o God; ad

all thgs that happe our les are ttg to a pla that God

ordaed beore the oudato o the earth. But what we mss s

that in the woring out o that plan, the good is or us to be

molded into the ery image and character o Jesus Christto

share inwardly His lieness. That conrmation comes or us in

erse 29: For whom he did orenow, he also did predestinate

to be conormed to the image o his Son, that he might be the

rstborn among many brethren (kjv). The deelopment o our

inward character, the md o Chrstthe log, acceptg, or-giving spiritseems to be best orged through painul experiences

whch we are orced to ace realtes, to loe, to accept, ad to

orge.

God Shows Himself Strong in Our Weakness

Theres aother aspect that eeds to be cosdered. Whe my

own children were small, I had a lot o opinions about parentswhose teeagers were trouble all the tme, or were ust pla

trouble. I have ew opinions anymore. I have empathy, understand-

g, ad a desre to ease ther hurts ad ears. I wat to help them


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come victoriously through these experiences with a deepened trust

God ad a more mature Chrsta character. The apostle Paul

alludes to this idea in 2 Corinthians 12:67: Should I desire toboast, I shall ot be a wtless braggart, or I shall be speag the

truth. But I abstain [rom it] so that no one may orm a higher

estimate o me than [is ustied by] what he sees in me or hears

rom me. And to eep me rom being pufed up and too much

elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) o these revelations,

there was ge me a thor (a splter) the esh, a messeger o

Satan, to rac and bufet and harass me, to eep me rom being

excessively exalted. The circumstances are diferent, but the main

ssue s smlar. Paul had a problem he couldt deal wth. There

has bee much speculato as to what hs dculty was, but thats

not important. The important thing is Gods answer to Pauls why.

Paul begged or release. Sound amiliar? God replied, My grace

(My aor ad log-dess ad mercy) s eough or you [su-

cient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble

manully]; or My strength and power are made perect (ullled andcompleted) and show themselves most efective in [your] weakness

(2 Corinthians 12:9). That was enough or Paul. But, I imagine, not

wthout some struggle. He settled to the atttude o whe I am

wea [ huma stregth], the am I [truly] strog (able, powerul

de stregth) (. 10).

Does ths mea God plaed these dreadul thgs or me ad

my child? No. But God allowed these things to happen that we

might experience the truth o reedom and what it costs outside the

wll o God. Ad, He promses to be or us what we caot be

our humanness. Through these experiences, we can come to know,

ule ay other way, what t meas to rest the peace o God.

Using Our Sorrows to Help Others

Theres another reason or our agonizing experiences. Isaiah61:13 speas o Jesus ad the mstry He was to brghealg

the broenhearted, opening the prisons to proclaim liberty and

reedom to physical and spiritual captivesa ministry o comort,


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reconciliation, and restoration. Jesus ministers to us in our sorrow

so that we mght ow how to mster to others ther sorrow.

Secod Corthas 1:34 explas to us that God s the source oall comort and encouragement. He consoles and comorts and en-

courages us in every trouble so that we may also be able to comort

others wth the same d o log care we receed rom God.

Jesus us, as parets, ca reach out to those who are hurtg.

He assures us Joh 14:12 that we wll carry o Hs mstry ad

do even greater things because o the mystery o Gods Holy Spirit

wth us. Jesus was, a sese, lmted Hs earthly mstry. He

touched les where He was ad o seeral occasos ee whereHe wasnt. But the power o Gods Spirit living and loving through

Hs chldre, s multpled, maged, ad lmted oly by our -

ablty to see beyod our ow persoal tragedes.

God Knows What We Need to Grow

God ows what we eed to become le Hm. He ows whatour children eed to become le Hm. He puts our ddualtes

ad uqueess together order to help us all become more le

Him. The end purpose? That they may be called oas o righ-

teousess . . . the platg o the Lord, that He may be glorifed

(Isaah 61:3, emphass added).

Our ailures become the tools or His miracles. Why this child in

this amly? Perhaps ths s the oly place ths partcular chld ca

d roots that wll eetually brg hm bac to Gods amly.There may be pa or a tme. But there wll also be a tme o oy.

Tae courage, Mom ad Dad. Resole to tae poste steps that

will gie your lies beauty and solidity that will draw that child

bac to you, ad to God. Start ow.

Something to Do

1. Start with a blan sheet o paper, one or each o your

children. Write each childs name at the top o the page.

Tae at least tee mutes to ceter your thg o each


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individual child. Write words and phrases that come to your

md descrbg that chldpersoalty characterstcs, -

terests, character stregths, weaesses, thgs that bugyou, thgs that mae you proud, thgs that scare yoube

as thorough as you ca be.

2. Turn the paper oer, and again put the indiidual childs

ame at the top o the page. Tae aother tee mutes

ad zero o how you deal wth ths chld whe he doest

lie up to your expectations. Thin o a specic example

when you were angry or upset and were not pleased with theresults o your dscple. Th o aother example whe

you were able to cotrol your ow emotos eough to eel

you had accomplshed somethg wth ths chld. Ca you

ow oe o the paretg styles (outled ths chapter),

maybe reluctatly, because o some o the phrases you used

to descrbe ths chld?

3. Pray. Ask God to give you wisdom to know how to deal witheach child as an individual. I you recognize areas where you

hae bee eglectul or oerly rgd, or aythg betwee,

as God to mae you aware o how you may hae hurt ths

particular child and how you can regain his trust and respect.

4. Write a letter to each o your children. Tell them o your

hopes and dreams or them. Tell them o your prayers or

them. Expla what you hae bee dog these exercsesand ask them or orgiveness, i necessary. Remind them that

you are ot perect ad you ow t. Remd them that you

loe them. Ecourage them to be the best o who they were

created to beeen i it may be ery diferent rom your

ow dreams or ther uture. Ge them the awareess that

you wll accept them or who they are ad who they choose

to become. Hold o to that letter.

5. Ite each o your chldre out wth you, aloe. Share the

cotets o the letter. Be prepared or reecto, dsterest,

een accusation. But also be prepared or tears o relie,


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expressos o loe ad warmth, ad promses. Remember,

ths s oly a begg. You may ot get the respose you

hoped or. But you wll clear the stage or God to wor that chlds le wth a reedom that may ot hae bee there

beore. Be honest with your child. You may backslide. You

may orget a momet o rustrato ad ager all o the

good thgs you sad youd do or not do. As your chld to

be patet wth you. Let hm ow that you wat the best

or hm, ad you wat the best or your amly. Maybe you

cat all agree o what s best rght ow, ad those areas o

disagreement cause conict. Be real. Be honest. See yourchilds respect. Most important, decide now that you will

eer qut. You wll sacrcally loe ad be a paret to ths

child as long as it taes to get his lie on tracand then

oreermore.

PrayerGod, my Father, the perect Father, the perect Mother. Teachme to be more like you. Teach my child through me. And may

this child come to know you and love you and serve you. Use

his uniqueness to bring honor and praise to you. And use my

uniqueness to bring honor and praise to you. Amen.

Hope for Parents of Troubled Teens

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