8/6/2019 Homoeopathic ER

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Homoeopathic ER

By

Nathaniel Tapley

8/6/2019 Homoeopathic ER

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INT. AN OPERATING THEATRE. DAY

There is pulse-pounding music as the doors CLATTER openfrom a busy emergency room. A NURSE and ORDERLY rush inpushing a trolley and an IV stand.

On the gurney is a PATIENT who clutches at the bleedingstump where his right leg used to be.

A determined-looking DOCTOR follows closely behind,rolling up his sleeves.

DOCTORWhat have we got?

NURSEBlunt, crushing trauma to thelower anterior region, resulting

in shock and massive... leggalhaemmorhage.

DOCTOR(scrubbing up in thin air)

Right. I’m going to need 250ccsof water, another 800ccs ofwater, and as much water as youcan carry. Stat!

The orderly rushes out of the room.

The patient screams as arterial blood sprays across thedoctor and nurse.

DOCTORIf only there were something wecan do.

He stands, helpless, with his hands on his hips.

PATIENTMy favourite leg!

The doctor just watches with a baffled look.

NURSEDoctor.

DOCTORI feel like I’m missingsomething, but what, what?

NURSEWell, you could always dosomething to stop the bleeding.

(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED: 2.

DOCTORAnd what would you suggest,nurse? There happens to be a mandying here!

PATIENTDying?

NURSEA tourniquet? Applying pressureto the wound? Antiseptic?

DOCTORYou poor, naive tool of themedical companies. This mandoesn’t need yourpharmaceuticals, he’s goteverything he needs to cure himinside himself. All he needs isto trust his body to heal itself.That and some herbs and magicwater. Where is that orderly?

PATIENTI feel awful.

Some more blood gushes out of him.

The nurse pulls out a bottle of water.

NURSE

Well, I’ve got some water here-The doctor snatches it away from her.

DOCTORLet me see that. Water has amemory, see, it remembers what itused to be, like you rememberyesterday evening, or I rememberthat I use to be a Jacobeanserving wench called Tilly.

He examines the bottle.

DOCTORGood God, woman, do you want tokill him? This water is filteredthrough volcanic rock, itremembers being a volcano. If wegive him this he’ll explode in ashower of superheated gases andmagma. Get this out of here!

He goes to the door and tosses it out.

The orderly dashes in, and gives the doctor a large bottleof water, which he pours into the bag on the IV stand.

(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED: 3.

DOCTORNow, we can only wait. Wait andpray.

PATIENTOh God!

There is a final burst of blood, and the patient fallsback.

DOCTORNo! No! No! How’s his aura?

The orderly checks a machine.

ORDERLYGreen.

DOCTOR

God damn it.

The nurse starts pumping the patient’s chest, with sharpCPR motions.

The doctor knocks her aside.

DOCTORNot like that, like this.

He begins to make wispy, tentative, aura-feeling motionsover the patient. The blood dribbles out more feebly.

DOCTORI’m losing him! I’m losing him!Someone get me some crystals anda healing wand!

The patient gives their death rattle, and lies still.

The doctor shouts at the body, but doesn’t touch it.

DOCTORCome on! Don’t do this to me!Live! Live, damn you! Live!

ORDERLYDoctor, he’s gone.

The doctor pulls off his imaginary gloves.

DOCTORAll right. Call it. Time ofdeath: 12:04.

PATIENT(weakly)

Actually, I’m still alive.

(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED: 4.

DOCTOR(sobs)

It never gets any easier.

PATIENTI really think I could survive ifI were to receive treatment now.

The nurse and the orderly put their arms around thedoctor’s shoulders, and walk him out.

They turn the light off as they leave.

PATIENTHello? Hello?

Pause.

PATIENTHello?

BIG TITLE CARD: Homeopathic E.R.