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Web Magazine Babies Issue 209: May 22, 2007

FEATURED ARTICLES

Going Nuclear By Michael Brent

Twins turn a couple of DINKS (double income, no kids) into a Jewishly involved interfaith family.

Read More

Challah and Rice Cakes By Tracy Hahn-Burkett

An intermarried couple held a Jewish baby-naming for their adopted Korean daughter on Friday, and a Korean first-birthday party on Saturday.

Read More

Does Circumcision Reduce the Risk of Contracting HIV? By Rabbi Donni C. Aaron

The head of the Reform movement's mohel program investigates.

Read More

ALSO IN THIS ISSUE More Articles on Babies

Baby Talk By Sarah Sookman

While contemplating her future with children, a woman with a Jewish father and Protestant mother wonders: should she convert?

A Secular Welcoming By Rabbi Miriam S. Jerris

In Humanistic birth ceremonies, the family's values, philosophy and feelings are paramount.

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Books

Hipster Dad in Yuppieland By Alizah Salario

Are youth and fatherhood two mutually exclusive terms? From Le Thi Hong to Rivka Shoshanah By Cheryl Coon

A new children's book on a family's adoption of a Vietnamese baby is wise beyond its years.

News

Will Sarkozy's Jewish Roots Impact France's Policies? By Raanan Eliaz The mother of France's new president comes from one of Greece's oldest Jewish families.

Survey Shows High Level of Satisfaction with InterfaithFamily.com By Micah Sachs

What do you think of us? Country Cheder Aims to Turn Sunday School Into Family Time By Aaron Leibel Alef-bet isn't just for the kids anymore.

Shavuot

Shavuot Lesson: Jews Must Champion Cause of Strangers in a Strange Land By Rabbi Jill Jacobs

Have Jews lost sight of their history as immigrants?

Arts and Entertainment

Interfaith Celebrities: Paul Wolfowitz's Arab Girlfriend and The Naked Brothers Band By Nate Bloom More on the interfaith relationship that's bringing down the head of the World Bank, plus a rumored romance between George Soros and Queen Noor, the Naked Brothers Band and Newhart's first wife.

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Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Raising Children in Interfaith Families

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Going Nuclear By Michael Brent For Melanie and me having twins was a monumental change. Most of the changes had to do with our lifestyle. We were DINKS (double income, no kids). We lived in a suburb of a major metropolitan area and enjoyed concerts, travel and the freedom to do things spontaneously. Now we were a classic nuclear family. But for us, the impact of our twin girls on interfaith issues occurred not when they were born but later as they grew.

Like many Americans, we connected only minimally with organized religion when the girls were born. As an interfaith family, we had defined a set of celebrations that was a hodgepodge of what we had done with our individual families as we grew up. This amalgam developed over the 11 years of our marriage before we had children. My background was Reform Judaism. Melanie brought a uniquely American version of Christianity--Christmas and Easter observed secularly, focusing on family, food, and presents for Christmas, and egg hunts, baskets and pretty spring hats for Easter. It was Christianity without Jesus.

Melanie and I had been married in a Jewish ceremony by the rabbi from the congregation I went to as a child. We celebrated the High Holidays most but not all years as "freelancers," usually going to Hillel or similar community-sponsored services based on my connections at the time with various university and college communities. We celebrated Hanukkah and Passover at home with college friends who were also Jewish. We celebrated Christmas with Melanie's parents most years, usually at their house but occasionally at ours.

As we shared our holidays with each other, they became part of our interfaith family. We found our own comfortable combined observance; for example

in our house the holidays did not co-mingle--Christmas would be in the living room while Hanukkah was in the family room. We enjoyed celebrating these holidays as an interfaith couple. Melanie enjoyed the rituals that came with the High Holidays and Passover. I enjoyed the way Melanie's family came together to share Christmas.

We were comfortable with where we were religiously and when the girls arrived, religion was one of the few areas where there were no significant changes. Although we had expected to have a brit (circumcision) if we had a boy, we didn't do any special religious ceremonies, either Jewish or Christian, for the girls. We looked into joining the local Reform temple but rejected it as too expensive. We had our usual Passover seder. We missed High Holiday Services that year. Things started to change a week prior to the girls' first Christmas, a month before their first birthday, when Melanie's mother, Sharon, passed away unexpectedly.

Sharon always prepared for Christmas well in advance. That Christmas was no exception. Here was a joyous family celebration prepared, missing a significant member of the family. But even with her absence, or maybe because of her not being there, we found strong significance in the family message being sent by the holiday. It became extra important to provide this Christmas celebration for our children, to connect them with their roots on their mother's side of the family. Christmas's significance grew in our house for the next several years although still without religious content stronger than "A Charlie Brown Christmas" TV special.

When the girls were 18 months old, they started going to day care. We were one of the few Jewish families at the center. Private day care centers do not confront the restrictions that a public facility faces when observing Christian holidays. So at the girls' day care they had decorating, singing and celebrations for Christmas and Easter. To their credit, this center recognized Hanukkah by including some decorations and a song with the Christmas celebration, although it wasn't clear if they understood Hanukkah's meaning and difference from Christmas.

We were again comfortable with the level, style and content of religion in our family. And once

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again it was the death of a parent that led us to examine our comfort level. The health of Melanie's father, Paul, had been deteriorating since Sharon's death. Paul's death nonetheless was sudden and unexpected. In the months that followed his passing we reflected on what kind of community we wanted to provide our children now that significant members of our family had passed away. We felt that a religious community would offer more comfort than a purely social community. We had little discussion of joining a church since that had not been part of Melanie's upbringing and it wasn't in her mindset. Melanie had grown comfortable, however, in a Jewish religious setting as part of our marriage. We therefore joined the local Reform temple.

We felt warmly welcomed into the temple community as an interfaith family. Our daughters started going to the temple's day care with the obvious different and increased religious emphasis. We felt comfortable with the lessons the girls were learning, and the exposure to Jewish rituals at this time in our daughters' lives snowballed into greater and greater Jewish observances. They now go to a community Jewish day school, increasing still the influence of their Jewish heritage. The school leased space from our temple and we watched it on a daily basis during the year before the girls entered kindergarten. In the community Jewish day school, we found another welcoming Jewish community where our children would learn a foreign language and lessons on morality and ethical behavior.

But rather than losing our Christian observances, they also became more ritualized. We purchased an artificial tree, marking not only the permanence of our family's Christmas observance but also setting the level of celebration. New next-door neighbors invited us to become part of their large extended family for Easter, creating a new annual tradition. One of my daughters proudly proclaims that our family's Christmas observance is her favorite holiday. Both daughters love our Easter rituals. If you ask them if they are Christian or Jewish, they will tell you, "We are special because we have Christmas and Easter the way their mother did when she was a little girl, but we, and our entire family including our mom [who has not converted], are Jewish." This is how they see our family.

The rabbi who married Melanie and me recommended we provide any children we had with some sort of faith-based beliefs. Rabbi Sherwood's preference was Judaism, but in his view even other faiths would be superior to none. In the end, the children piloted the direction of our interfaith family's religious observances and helped create the framework within which we celebrate our religious beliefs today.

Michael Brent is a stay-at-home dad. He and Melanie have been married for 20 years. They live in Lafayette, Calif., where they are active members of Temple Isaiah. Their twin daughters are in the third grade at the Contra Costa Jewish Day School where Michael is co-president of the Parents' Association.




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Home > Article Archive > Life-Cycle Ceremonies > Birth Ceremonies

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Challah and Rice Cakes By Tracy Hahn-Burkett We were already an interfaith family when my husband and I decided to adopt a baby girl fromKorea. A Jew (me) and a non-Jew (him), we had agreed in just one heartfelt conversation to raise our children as Jews. Having successfully worked out those details, we were confident that we could incorporate another culture into our family. We eagerly accepted the challenge of integrating various aspects of Korean culture into our lives so that, as much as would be possible for a couple of white Americans, we could raise our daughter with some understanding of all of the elements of her American-Jewish-Korean identity.

This blend of cultures figured prominently in our plan for a huge celebratory weekend for our daughter's first birthday. We invited friends and family from hundreds of miles away. On Friday, "Emmie" would receive her Hebrew name. That ceremony would be followed the next day by a Korean tol, or first-birthday party. I couldn't wait to mark the real beginning of our multicultural family with this blend of customs and traditions.

The "Weekend of Emmie" began at our small synagogue on Friday night. Friends and family joined us in the cozy, slightly frayed sanctuary to witness our ascent to the bimah (a platform at the front of the sanctuary similar to an altar), where Emmie was to receive her Hebrew name. Our daughter, whose angelic behavior long past her bedtime seemed a miracle in itself, began to squirm, but then she mysteriously became transfixed when the rabbi opened the sacred Ark that held the Torah, the scrolls containing the first five books of the Old Testament. The tradition of welcoming a baby girl with a formal naming ceremony has only recently become popular in some Jewish communities, but as I listened to the rabbi's words in English and Hebrew, I felt an unexpected yet inextricable link between a Jewish history that stretched back millennia and myself, my Korean daughter, her Jewish-born brother and her non-Jewish father. At the oneg, or reception following services, our friends and the congregants took turns, between bites of braided challah and sugary pastries, wishing us mazel tov--congratulations.

Having made it through the previous night's celebration with outstanding behavior from our two young children, I was worried that Saturday's party would not yield more of the same. Nevertheless, we bravely decked out both of our children in their stiff, brightly colored hanboks (traditional Korean clothes), and headed to the Korean restaurant located surprisingly close to our smallish New Hampshire community. Emmie nearly swam in the bright red-and-white dress, jacket and headpiece given to us for this occasion by her foster mother, who had cared for Emmie in her first months of life before we brought her home from Korea. "Jack" also looked somewhat lost in a navy-and-gold boy's hanbok, whose pants kept threatening to slide off of his slim, 4-year-old figure.

Once at the restaurant, 70 family members and friends joined us in commemorating what is a major milestone in Korean culture--although conditions have improved vastly today, many Korean babies historically never survived their first year. We feasted on a variety of Korean foods we have come to know and savor: bulgogi, a slightly sweet beef dish, the spicy pickled cabbage known as kimchi that is daily fare for many Koreans, a traditional rainbow rice cake and other delicacies. Our guests then watched as a bewildered Emmie sat before a large, fruit-laden table and performed the toljabee, the Korean ceremony where the 1-year-old honoree selects from a variety of objects placed before her on the table. The object she chooses is supposed to tell the child's future. We're not really sure what the future holds for Emmie because even with the assistance of the restaurant's Korean proprietor, our unfamiliarity with the ceremony led us to encourage Emmie to grab multiple objects; she may

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be bound for learning, wealth, or just confusion.

When the guests had finally left, the last of the leftover pastries and rice cake had been consumed, and the weekend ended, I reviewed events in my mind. And I realized that something truly joyous had happened. Yes, Emmie's weekend fulfilled my goal to honor all the aspects of Emmie's heritage. My daughter, who now had three names--one Korean, one English and one Hebrew--had worn the clothes of her ancestors, been welcomed into Judaism in the new tradition of our--now her--people, and smeared frosting from her birthday cake across her face. But what impressed me most about the weekend was that ultimately, it had not been about our being a multicultural family or about my daughter's belonging to different faiths and traditions. What the weekend had really been about was celebrating a child's first birthday with a community of family and friends. People who matter to us--Jews, Christians, individuals of diverse ethnicities--welcomed our daughter to our extended family. Emmie may have three names, but she, like any child, is a single, unique person who we hope will grow up to be a joy to everyone around her.

And those are common themes in every culture.

Note: I have changed my children's first names for the purpose of this article in order to protect their privacy.

Tracy Hahn-Burkett is a writer who focuses often on family topics, including interfaith and multicultural family issues.




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Does Circumcision Reduce the Risk of Contracting HIV? By Rabbi Donni C. Aaron On a recent episode of the reality show, "Tori and Dean: Inn Love," the couple was discussing their differing views with her doctor regarding whether they would circumcise their soon-to-be-born son. Tori wanted to circumcise and Dean did not. Tori, as in Tori Spelling, is Jewish, and Dean McDermott, her actor husband, is not. What I found fascinating about their conversation is that whether you are rich and famous, or just the average couple like most of us are, the issues expressed are the same. Tori expressed her desire for her son to "look like" everyone else. She also said that she is Jewish and that is what Jews do. That perspective is very common for Jews, regardless of their religious involvement or lack thereof. Dean, on the other hand, expressed his fear that his son might be harmed by having a circumcision done, a frequent concern.

The most interesting yet partially distressing part of the conversation for me was the doctor's response to the couple. He simply said there is no medical evidence to support circumcision. However, he also said that the rumors Dean had heard about the possibilities of death related to circumcision are just theoretical if the circumcision is properly performed. The doctor was correct on the latter statement, but very wrong on the first. In the past year alone, in addition to decades-long research studies, definitive evidence about the medical benefits of

infant and adult circumcision has been staggering.

Let me now give you an overview of these medical findings. I will also share with you that medical findings were and remain very much a part of how Jewish tradition has developed. After reading this information, if you and your spouse have a conversation similar to the one Tori and Dean had, you, unlike them, will have the correct information to make an educated decision.

Over the last two decades, dozens of research results have confirmed the link between male circumcision and prevention of HIV. When the HIV/AIDS epidemic struck in the early 1980s, the twin African villages of Luvale and Lozi in Zambia had drastically different HIV rates-Lozi's was three times higher than Luvale's. According to Dr. Edgar Schoen, a prominent pediatrician and the chairman of the 1989 American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on Circumcision, when the HIV/AIDS epidemic struck in the early 1980s, the villages differed in only one respect: sacred circumcision was practiced in Luvale while the Lozi were left uncircumcised. It was calculated that if the epidemic continued at the same rate, 60% of the Lozi children would die of AIDS. The Lozi parents saw this danger, and in defiance of tradition and the village elders, began to take their young sons to other villages to be circumcised. These two villages are just one example of the growing awareness of how circumcision can help prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS--an awareness that is causing an enormous push for circumcision throughout Africa and other parts of the world where AIDS is rampant. In 2001 the potential for circumcision in fighting HIV was recognized in an article in the Botswana Guardian: "If in the year 1985, all Botswana men and boys had been circumcised, HIV/AIDS might never have reached pandemic proportions in this country… The time has come in this country for public discussion about making circumcision widely available in clinics on a voluntary basis and strongly recommended for all boys under the age of 15."( Klatis and Mogwe, Botswana Guardian, Jan. 2001).

Jewish tradition teaches that saving even a single life is as if you have saved an entire world and thus destroying a single life is as if you have destroyed an entire world.

You also needn't worry that a mohel will rush to circumcise your son. Jewish law is very clear




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about the importance of taking into account medical concerns when determining the date of the circumcision.

According to the Talmud:

Extreme care should be taken not to circumcise an infant that is ailing; for the fulfillment of all precepts must be postponed in deference to human life. Moreover, the circumcision, normally performed on the eighth day of life, can be performed on a later date (than one prescribed by law), while the life of a human being once sacrificed can never be restored. (Shabbat 134a; Maim. Milah I, 16, 18; Yoreh Deah CCLXII, 1; CCLXIII, 1)

…If a woman lost a child because of the circumcision, and the same thing happened to one of her sisters, then the children of her remaining sisters must not be circumcised until they are grown up and have a stronger constitution. (Yebamot 64b; Maim. Milah I, 18; Yoreh Deah CCLXIII, 2, 3)

It is essential that the circumciser thoroughly examine the physical condition of the infant, and he must warn the mother to notify him of any weakness she may observe in the infant. (Kitzur Shulchan Arukh CLXIII, 3)

In addition to the potential medical benefits--and the proscribed medical precautions--the ritual of circumcision has the power to link your son with a vibrant, growing Jewish tradition and community. And please know that this powerful connection to Jewish life can be embraced immediately, or if you haven't yet decided how much (or little) of an embrace your family wants, can be postponed until the moment is right for your family. In any case, once your son has had a circumcision, whether ritually or not, your family will have many choices as to the kind of embrace you want, be it Reform, Reconstructionist, Conservative, Orthodox, Humanistic, New Age or secular.

I would encourage you to empower yourselves by learning all you can about the issue. Then whatever your conclusion is, feel secure that it was based on knowledge, not ignorance or fear!

Rabbi Donni C. Aaron received her ordination from the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in 2001. She is the current director of the Berit Mila Program of Reform Judaism based in Los Angeles, Calif. Aaron is also the director of education at Emanuel Congregation in Chicago, Ill. In addition, she develops Shabbat worship experiences and curriculum for children and families and serves as a consultant in this area to other congregations around the country. Aaron is proudly married to Rabbi Scott T. Aaron, an informal Jewish educational consultant and author. Together, they have two sons, Meitav and Nitzan, and a daughter, Naor.




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Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Raising Children in Interfaith Families

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Baby Talk By Sarah Sookman Thirty-odd years ago, I was the new baby to a Jewish father and Protestant mother; they both grew up in families that were regular worshippers. My mother's family attended the United Church of Canada. My father's family attended the only (Orthodox) synagogue in town. There was no brit bat (the covenant of a daughter) for me, though two years later when my brother was born in Toronto, my father arranged for a bris (circumcision ceremony) at the hospital.

I believe my parents had intended to raise my brother and me according to the BBW, the Best of Both Worlds School of Interfaith Parenting. This meant that Santa squeezed through our chimney, and the Easter Bunny peeked inside my bedroom. This also meant joining a Reform congregation in Mississauga, a Toronto suburb. In 1980, the guitar-strumming rabbi gave me and all the other 5-year-olds our first Torah scrolls.

But as I grew up, I felt something was missing.

When my cousin (who is my age) had her first Communion, our extended family took notice. We missed the ceremony, but I remember my cousin's photograph, that pretty white dress she wore. That same spring, two other cousins (brothers) had their Confirmation. We skipped the religious service and attended the house party, where my Sicilian aunt fluttered about, serving the shrimps and the pigs' knuckles.

At that age, 7-and-a-half to be precise, I had no clue what a first Communion was, or a Confirmation. All I knew was that it

had to do with something that wasn't Jewish.

When I turned 10, my family moved from suburban Ontario to rural Quebec, where I didn't meet one Jewish kid. I turned 12, then 13, and there was no Bat Mitzvah. I described myself as "half-Jewish" until after high school when I met "real" Jews who decided I wasn't Jewish at all. By that time the few Jewish traditions I had known were tucked away like the good china--there, but never used.

It was probably fate that I found Dan, a nice (Jewish) boy to marry. Only a Jewish wedding would feel right, so we met the only rabbi in Montreal to perform intermarriages without conversion. I had toyed with the idea of conversion several times during adolescence and young adulthood, but I eventually decided that I was comfortable with myself; it didn't matter to me whether I was Jewish or not. Once we began planning our wedding, however, I understood that not converting could affect our future children.

They would be raised Jewish but I did not want them to ever have to explain their Jewish status to anyone, especially since some branches (Orthodox and Conservative) adhere to the doctrine of matrilineal descent--meaning a child is only Jewish if its mother is, unless the child is converted. I also wanted my future children to grow up with a clear sense of self and be free of the confusion that clouded so much of my own youth. Dan and I could convert our children after birth, but that option could open the door to even more confusion: Why didn't Mom convert?

I finally acknowledged that my connection to Judaism had always been present. I had met a Jewish man, wanted a Jewish wedding, and intended to raise Jewish children. Converting was a logical step.

Three weeks before my wedding, I went to the mikvah (the ritual bath), completing the final step of my conversion process. At last the remaining piece of my identity puzzle clicked into place. And along with my DNA, that part of myself was precisely the piece that was passed on




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when I gave birth to my son almost three years ago: a mere six pounds of new identity.

Eight days after my son was born, Dan's uncle, a local pediatrician and highly experienced mohel (ritual circumciser), performed the bris in my mother-in-law's kitchen. Our parents, relatives and closest friends shared our joy, even Dan's brother, who spent eight hours traveling for the three-hour visit.

As parents of newborns, we have no clue who that newborn is or will become. The first thing we give a child after birth is a name. We named our son after Dan's great-uncle and my zaida (grandfather) whose Hebrew name was Yehuda--which means "the Jew." My little Natan Yehuda will always know who he is because the baby ceremony planted the seeds of his identity. When he is older, he will know he is Jewish. Ask him now who he is and he will tell you:

I am Nathan.

Sarah Sookman holds a Bachelor of Education degree from McGill University (Montreal, Quebec, Canada), and is a member of Temple Emanu-El-Beth Sholom in Westmount, Quebec. She is a marketing communications writer by profession and occasionally dabbles in creative writing.




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A Secular Welcoming By Rabbi Miriam S. Jerris I adore officiating at baby welcoming ceremonies. They are so full of joy, heightened emotion and deliciously noisy children. In Humanistic Judaism we honor the birth of children with a celebration--usually, but not necessarily, within the first six months of a child's life. It may take place at home or in a congregational setting, at any time of day, and lasts from five minutes to about half an hour. A shared meal, as in most celebrations, is part of the festivities. The food served depends on the time of day and location of the event. This celebration is referred to in myriad ways, most commonly as a baby-naming ceremony. I tend to refer to them as welcoming ceremonies.

In Humanistic Jewish ceremonies we strive to make sure that the stated beliefs and feelings of the individuals involved are consistent with the acts being performed. The main purpose of the ceremony is to welcome and name the baby. In creating the ceremony, we want the people involved to feel that the event is an authentic reflection of their values, philosophy and deepest feelings. We also want the connection to family, to the Jewish people and to the human community expressed in a meaningful and relevant way. Since so many of the families we serve are intermarried, these ceremonies also honor the families' multicultural backgrounds.

In Humanistic baby-welcoming ceremonies, we follow a series of guidelines. They are flexible and are meant to do exactly what they say--guide. They are as follows:

Female and male children are treated equally. Circumcision is not required to welcome a baby boy as a member of the Jewish people. Circumcision surgery is typically held separate from the baby welcoming ceremony. Inclusivity of both families and their traditions is important. Ancestors deserve to be recognized and honored. Reflection on the name, its meaning and why it was chosen is a central part of the celebration. Guideparents (our term for godparents) are part of the ceremony. Siblings are identified and included in the celebration.

Humanistic baby-welcoming ceremonies are not uniform, and differ in content and style from one rabbi or leader (non-rabbinic clergy) to another. Each of us has adapted ceremonial aspects from the traditional Jewish ceremony and added new ones. Consistent with Jewish tradition, a part of almost every ceremony is the giving of a Hebrew or Yiddish name. And typically there is a baby blessing that includes the sipping of wine, possibly by all those attending.

Grandparents may be honored during a candle lighting or flower presentation. They may have the chance to say something to the child, often a very moving and tender part of the ceremony.

Generally, circumcision is not part of the ceremony. Parents decide whether or not they want to circumcise their sons independent of the decisions they may make regarding a ceremony. Most circumcisions are done in the hospital, but, on occasion, they are done on the eighth day as part of the baby naming. Humanistic Judaism affirms the rights of parents to choose whether or not to circumcise their sons. We recognize the Jewish identity of a child whether he is circumcised or not.




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We have also created some new ceremonial elements. Some families have planted a tree outside, or seeds or flowers in a pot, to symbolize the potential of the newborn child and the nurturing role of the community in raising the child.

To give a clearer idea of what our ceremonies are like, what follows are some examples of the kinds of things we say and do.

As part of the welcome and introduction to a welcoming ceremony for an intermarried couple, I have said:

(Names of parents) have chosen this birth celebration for (name of child) to honor both his Jewish and Christian heritages. These seemingly different traditions have in common the values of community, family, and love and respect for one's fellow human beings. These values are the values that (names of parents) commit to impart to (name of child). This ceremony acknowledges that the process has already begun and will be a foundation of their parenting.

In naming the child, we want to describe the reasons for the choices and celebrate those connections. Sometimes the meaning of the name in English or in Hebrew provides its own unique challenge. Here is an example of how a negative meaning can be both acknowledged and transformed.

(Name of parents) chose the name Maia to honor Grandpa Max. They hope Maia shares his qualities of peacefulness and inner strength. Maia shares her middle name, Ann, with her mother and Grammy Carol. She also carries her mother's family of origin name, (name inserted). These names connect Maia to (mother's) family. In Hebrew, we have named Maia, Miriam (name is pronounced and written in Hebrew). Miriam comes from the Hebrew word that means bitterness from the sea. In knowing the bitterness in the world, may Maia be spared personal bitterness and be full of empathy for those who are inflicted with it. The biblical Miriam is the sister of the great prophet, Moses. It was Miriam's ingenuity that saved Moses from certain death as she placed him in the bulrushes to be discovered by the princess of Egypt. Miriam, a leader in her own right, led the Israelites in dance, brandishing her tambourine, after they successfully crossed the Red Sea. Today, modern feminists have acknowledged her status as a prophetess and created Miriam's cup that now sits beside the cup of Elijah on the seder table. May the heritage of the Biblical Miriam and the meaning of her name provide her with a balance of the characteristics of empathy, joy, compassion and leadership in her life and help her appreciate and know the fullness of all that life will bring her way.

In including an older sibling and also giving her a Hebrew name, we said:

(Name of child), this is a special time for you too. You are now a big sister. You can teach (baby brother's name) the things you know and help him learn about life. When a new baby comes home, your parents have to spend a lot of time feeding and taking care of the baby. Mommy and Daddy want to thank you for your patience and understanding, and your help. They want you to know how much they love you today and every day. Today, we are going to give you a Hebrew name: Yael, which means "deer." When we think of a deer, we think of something that is quiet, strong and swift. We hope that these qualities also will be with you throughout your life and will bring you strength and confidence as you travel along your life's path.

Including the idea of godparents for Humanistic Jews, who focus on human relationships rather than a connection to a supernatural being, provided an interesting challenge. The solution was to create a category that we call, "guideparents."

In accordance with both Christian and Jewish traditions, (name of parents) have selected (name of guideparents) as Jacob's godparents. (To the guideparents), (name of parents) have chosen you as godparents because they believe you share similar life values and trust that you will play a significant and guiding role in (child's) life. For this reason, we will call you guideparents.

Humanistic Jews seek to be philosophically consistent in their life ceremonies, while respecting, honoring and retaining the connection to both families and their traditions. The welcoming ceremony is a Jewish-focused ceremony created in a way that is inclusive and embracing of other cultures and traditions, an authentic reflection of the child being celebrated.

Some of the ideas in this article were originally published in an article entitled, "Welcoming the



Humanistic Jewish Child," in the journal Humanistic Judaism, Summer 1988.

Rabbi Miriam Jerris is the community development director of the Society for Humanistic Judaism. She has been supporting intermarried couples and their families for more than 22 years. Jerris has been married to her Humanist, born-Catholic husband for more than 16 years. Contact her at [email protected] or through her website theweddingconnection.net.




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Hipster Dad in Yuppieland By Alizah Salario Review of Alternadad by Neal Pollack (Random House, 2007).

Parenthood is a lifetime sentence. I mean, a lifelong blessing (oops, Freudian slip). According to the irreverent wisdom of hipster-writer/wannabe-rock star/purveyor-of-pop-culture/newly minted dad Neal Pollack, fatherhood is transformative no matter how you perceive it. In Alternadad, Pollack gives us the scoop on the ups and downs of rearing his poop-smearing, compulsively biting, adorably intelligent son Elijah--while trying not to lose his cool (or more of his hair).

Alternadad is a series of amusing anecdotes--some poignant, others grotesque--that takes readers from Pollack's single days in Chicago (with friends reminiscent of "Seinfeld" characters with more tattoos and less money) to bringing up baby in Austin with unconventional ideals and a school-of-rock mentality (baby Elijah makes requests for the Ramones while still in diapers.)

Pollack's ode to fatherhood reads with the self-reflexive absorption of a blogger and the moral debating of a Talmudic scholar. He laments over the gut-wrenching decisions and compromises that come with parenting territory. Regular soymilk or vanilla? Penalty box or no dessert? To snip or not to snip? (circumcision). As Pollack journeys into parenthood, conflicts become magnified, resentments inevitably emerge, and hipness begins to recede as quickly as his hairline. Still, Pollack manages to keep his cool by starting a subpar rock band. Well, sort of.

Alternadad is as much about Pollack's own metamorphosis into a full-fledged adult as it is about rearing a child. Although he strives to be the anti-SUV-driving suburban soccer mom, even in his irreverence for all things mainstream Pollack consistently finds himself becoming the poster boy for yuppieland. Carrying Elijah in the Baby Bjorn, walking his purebred Boston terrier on a leash, running out on his lawn sporting boxer shorts to tell the ruckus-making neighbors to quiet down, feeding his son capers instead of cheetos--all this and more force Pollack to an insightful conclusion: "These are

but the trappings of yuppiedom! It's not who I am in my soul." Underlying the cute anecdotes is Pollack's internal struggle to negotiate the realities of fatherhood with his hipster image and progressive ideals. The truth is, it's hard to live on the edge when you rock out to the Wiggles.

So here's the irony: Pollack strives to flee the soul-sucking conformity of "yuppiedom" for a glamorized notion of urban life--authentic, gritty, real. This idea prompts a move from gentrifying Chicago to Philly, in large part because he sees a kid repeatedly bouncing a tennis ball off his front porch (ooh, authentic urban life!) and then on to Austin. It is this same urban lifestyle that generations past of Jewish grandparents exchanged for two-car garages and kidney-shaped swimming pools within "boring" suburban enclaves, the likes of which Pollack himself grew up in. After repeated attempts to effect change in his neighborhood, Pollack leaves Austin because it's unsafe. Can parents find the supposed character-shaping realness of urban life without crime and danger? Can Pollack give Elijah safety and privilege outside of sheltered suburbia? Pollack's grappling to match his ideals with his actions, and the inherent contradictions he faces in his quest, will resonate with readers. The bottom line is that what Pollack really wants transcends boundaries: the best life he can give his child.

Furthermore, Pollack is an intermarried Jew, and thus has another reason to poke fun at himself. In fact, he jokingly states that his marriage is in the "American Jewish manner" of Jews marrying non-Jews. "To Snip or Not to Snip" is the one chapter where Pollack really explores his Judaism. Pollack's wife is adamantly opposed to circumcising Elijah because of

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modern research describing the practice as painful and brutal; his parents will not consider Elijah their grandson if he remains uncircumcised. The chapter ends with freshly circumcised Elijah, Pollack and his wife bawling in the car on the way home after the procedure. Then there's "The Jew Who Cooked a Ham for Christmas," a chapter indicative of the way Pollack latches onto such loaded phrases for a cheap laugh. He spends the cultural currency of Jewish experiences like the Shiner Bock beer that practically seems to flow from faucets in Austin. His references to Jews and Judaism--the kiddie rockers with Jew-fros, the impressive but pricey Jewish preschool, Elijah's traumatic experience trying to get a popsicle at the JCC on Shabbat--are cliché and trite representations of a complex religion, but situations readers can relate to nonetheless.

Anyone with an alternative parenting philosophy, a penchant for potty humor, or an appreciation for witticism and snappy one-liners (my favorite is about my hometown--"the people of Rogers Park are the sediment left over after you put the city of Chicago through a sifter") will enjoy Alternadad. Readers should remember that being controversial and occasionally offensive is all part of Pollack's shtick. His journey is memorable precisely because he doesn't force false epiphanies or lay down heavy-handed morals about parenting. Perhaps because it doesn't take itself too seriously (not in spite of it) Alternadad could become a modern parenting guide for a generation still trying to figure it out.

Alizah Salario is a freelance writer and teacher who currently lives in Chicago.




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Home > Article Archive > Arts and Entertainment > Books

From Le Thi Hong to Rivka Shoshanah By Cheryl F. Coon Review of Rebecca's Journey Home, by Brynn Olenberg Sugarman, illustrated by Michelle Shapiro (Kar-Ben, 2006).

Last year, a good friend traveled to China to bring home her new daughter. She wasn't alone. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that 13 percent of all adopted children in the United States were foreign-born (258,000) and nearly half of them were born in Asia.

Families with international adoptees know that their children will face special challenges, from racial discrimination to the more subtle issue of identifying both with their biological heritage and their new family's cultural background. These are issues for which children's books can be immensely helpful, and in recent years, many books have appeared with the theme of international adoption.

Rebecca's Journey Home is just such a book, with something added. For a Jewish family adopting a child from Asia, Rebecca's Journey Home fills a special niche. While addressing adoption issues, the story focuses particularly on bringing an Asian child into a religious Jewish home.

As the story begins, the family (mom, dad and two sons) is excited because it's finally time for the mother to depart for Vietnam. Author Bynn Olenberg Sugarman handles the question of "why" in a particularly sensitive way:

Mrs. Stein had always wanted to adopt a baby. She loved her two boys, Jacob and Gabriel, very very much. It had felt warm and wonderful each time she had a baby in her belly. But she also knew there was another way to build a family. That was to share their home with a child who was already born.

Much of the story focuses on the name of the Stein Family's new daughter, and this proves to be a useful conceit for exploring identity. When the children argue whether she will still be Vietnamese after she joins the family, the mother explains how it's possible for her to be Vietnamese, Jewish and American all at the same time. Her given name is Le Thi Hong. The name bestowed on her by her new family is Rebecca Rose. Later, when the baby is brought to the mikvah, the ritual bath, she gains yet another name. Now, she has a Hebrew name: Rivka Shoshanah.

"She was Vietnamese, American and Jewish.

'And she'll be many more things someday," Mrs. Stein said.

'Maybe a mother like you," Jacob suggested. 'Or an astronaut like me," Gabe added.

It's a winning approach for exploring these issues, especially for a family with young children. The bright, double-page illustrations and softly appealing portraits of the family will entice young children to sit through a reading. For somewhat older siblings whose feelings are more challenging, families might consider pairing Rebecca's Journey Home with Just Add One Chinese Sister by Patricia McMahon and Conor Clarke McCarthy, illustrated by Karen A. Jerome (Boyds Mills Press, 2005). This sensitive story about Asian adoption, while not including the Jewish perspective, is nevertheless beautifully told from the ambivalent perspective of the older sibling in the family.



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For Jewish families and for interfaith families, these recent offerings about international adoption will be warmly welcomed.

Cheryl F. Coon is the author of Books to Grow With: A Guide to the Best Children's Fiction for Everyday Issues and Tough Challenges. Cheryl lives with her husband and children in Portland, Oregon.




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Home > Article Archive > News and Opinion > Newsmakers

Will Sarkozy's Jewish Roots Impact France's Policies? By Raanan Eliaz Reprinted with permission of the European Jewish Press, a pan-European news agency based in Brussels.

In an interview French President-elect Nicolas Sarkozy gave in 2004, he expressed an extraordinary understanding of the plight of the Jewish people for a home: "Should I remind you the visceral attachment of every Jew to Israel, as a second mother homeland? There is nothing outrageous about it. Every Jew carries within him a fear passed down through generations, and he knows that if one day he will not feel safe in his country, there will always be a place that would welcome him. And this is Israel."

Sarkozy's sympathy and understanding is most probably a product of his upbringing. It is well known that Sarkozy's mother was born to the Mallah family, one of the oldest Jewish families of Salonika, Greece. Yet it remains to be seen whether his personal history will affect his foreign policy and

France's role in the Middle East conflict.

In the 15th century, the Mallah family (Hebrew for messenger or angel) escaped the Spanish Inquisition to Provence, France, and moved about 100 years later to Salonika. In Greece, several family members became prominent Zionist leaders, active in the local and national political, economic, social and cultural life.

In 1917, a great fire destroyed parts of Salonika and damaged the Mallah family estate. Many Jewish-owned properties, including the Mallah's, were expropriated by the Greek government. The Jewish population emigrated from Greece and much of the Mallah family left Salonika for France, America and Israel.

Sarkozy's grandfather, Aron Mallah, nicknamed Benkio, immigrated to France, where he converted to Catholicism and changed his name to Benedict in order to marry a French Christian girl named Adele Bouvier.

Although Benedict integrated fully into French society, he remained close to his Jewish family and culture. Knowing he was still considered Jewish by blood, he hid his family in the village of Marcillac la Croisille in western France during World War II.

During the Holocaust, many of the Mallahs who stayed in Salonika or moved to France were deported to concentration and extermination camps. In total, 57 family members were murdered by the Nazis. Testimonies reveal that several revolted against the Nazis.

In 1950, Benedict's daughter, Andree Mallah, married Pal Nagy Bosca y Sarkozy, a descendant of an aristocratic Hungarian family. The couple had three sons, Guillaume, Nicolas and François. After the couple divorced in 1960, Andrée Sarkozy raised her three boys close to their grandfather, Benedict. Nicolas was especially close to Benedict, who was like a father to him.

Sarkozy says he admired his grandfather, and through hours spent listening to his stories of the Nazi occupation, the Maquis (French Resistance), De Gaulle and D-Day, Benedict bequeathed to Nicolas his political convictions.

Sarkozy's family lived in Paris until Benedict's death in 1972, at which point they moved to Neuilly-sur-Seine to be closer to the boys' father, Pal (who changed his name to Paul)

Nicolas Sarkozy, the president-elect of France, is descended on his mother's side from the Mallah family, one of the oldest Jewish families of Salonika, Greece. Photo courtesy European Jewish Press.

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Sarkozy.

Various memoirs depict Paul Sarkozy as a father who did not spend much time with his children or help the family monetarily. Nicolas had to sell flowers and ice cream in order to pay for his studies. However, his fascination with politics led him to become the city's youngest mayor and to rise to the top of French and world politics. The rest is history.

It may be a far leap to consider that Sarkozy's Jewish ancestry may have any bearing on his policies vis-a-vis Israel. However, many expect Sarkozy's presidency to bring a dramatic change not only in France's domestic affairs but also in the country's foreign policy in the Middle East.

Nevertheless, there are several reasons that any expectations for a drastic change in the country's Middle East policy, or foreign policy in general, should be downplayed.

First, France's new president will spend the lion's share of his time dealing with domestic issues, such as the country's stagnating economy, its social cohesiveness and the rising integration-related crime rate. When he finds time to deal with foreign affairs, Sarkozy will have to devote most of his energy to protecting France's standing in an ever-involved European Union. In his dealings with the United States, Sarkozy will most likely prefer to engage on less-explosive agenda items than the Middle East.

Second, France's foreign policy stems from the nation's interests rooted in reality and influenced by a range of historic, political, strategic and economic considerations. Since Sarkozy's landing at the Elysée on May 16 will not change those, France's foreign policy ship will not tilt so quickly under a new captain.

Third, France's Foreign Affairs Ministry exerts significant weight over the country's policies and agenda. There, non-elected bureaucrats tend to retain an image of Israel as a destabilizing element in the Middle East, rather than the first line of defense of democracy. Few civil servants would consider risking France's interests or increasing chances for "a clash of civilizations" in order to help troubled Israel or Palestine reach peace.

It is fair to predict that France will stay consistent with its support in establishing a viable Palestinian state with East Jerusalem as its capital, existing side by side with a peaceful Israel. How to get there, if at all, will not be set by Sarkozy's flagship, but rather will follow the leadership of the United States and the European Union.

Although Sarkozy's family roots will not bring France closer to Israel, the president's personal Israeli friends may. As interior minister Sarkozy shared much common policy ground with former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

The two started to develop a close friendship not long ago, and it is easy to observe similarities not only in their ideology and politics but also in their public image. If Netanyahu returns to Israel's chief position, it will be interesting to see whether their personal dynamic will lead to a fresh start for Israel and France and a more constructive European role in the region.

Raanan Eliaz is a former director at the Israeli National Security Council and the Hudson Institute in Washington, D.C. He is currently a Ph.D. candidate at the Catholic University of Leuven, Belgium, and a consultant on European-Israeli affairs.


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Survey Shows High Level of Satisfaction with InterfaithFamily.com By Micah Sachs May 22, 2007

A recent survey of more than 500 users has shown that the majority of people who visit InterfaithFamily.com are "highly satisfied" with the site, which provides services and resourcesto interfaith couples with a Jewish partner and a non-Jewish partner.

The survey, which was conducted online from Jan. 23 through Feb. 20, also gave a clear portrait of who visits InterfaithFamily.com. The majority (56%) of visitors are intermarried. But substantial minorities are parents of children in interfaith couples (18%) and Jewish professionals working with interfaith couples (17%). Few visitors are interdating (9%) or children of interfaith couples (7%).

Demographically, most visitors (73%) are Jewish, and most are female (78%), reflecting recent studies that have substantiated the lead role women tend to take in a family's religious life. Most visitors are parents as well, and most are between the ages of 30 and 49. The typical user visits the site once a month or more (76%) and 43% visit the site once every two weeks or more. As might be expected given InterfaithFamily.com's emphasis on raising Jewish children, nearly two-fifths (38%) of visitors are intermarried or interdating people with children.

The survey also revealed the significant effects that InterfaithFamily.com has had on its users' lives, especially among the 64% of users who are intermarried or interdating. Large majorities of intermarried/interdating users say that use of the site has led to or improved their experience of: celebrating Jewish holidays (70%), incorporating Jewish rituals into their life (63%) and incorporating Jewish traditions into life-cycle events (60%). Slightly less than a third (30%) of intermarried/interdating users say that the site affected their decision to raise their children Jewish. The impact of the site was especially dramatic among non-Jewish users--fully four-fifths (80%) of non-Jewish users say that InterfaithFamily.com improved their experience of celebrating Jewish holidays.

"It was really gratifying to see the level of impact we've had on people's lives," said Ed Case, president and publisher of InterfaithFamily.com, which started operations in 2002. "It's right in our tagline: we want to encourage Jewish choices."

The survey provided a window into what kind of products and services InterfaithFamily.com's users would like to see in the future. A majority expressed interest in informational packets on Jewish holidays (58%), informational packets on Jewish life-cycle events (55%) and email newsletters containing information about local interfaith-friendly events in their area (56%). Two-fifths (40%) of users were interested in connecting with other interfaith families in person or online; non-Jewish users were particularly interested (51%) in connecting with other interfaith families.

Surprisingly, only one-third of users said they found the website through an Internet search. This contrasts with InterfaithFamily.com's own web traffic statistics, which show that more than 50% of visitors come from Google and other search engines. Also, a significant minority came to the site through recommendations from rabbis and outreach professionals.

On the negative side, the survey found that few users were aware of some of the website's newer services, like the Rabbinic Officiation Referral Service and the blogs, both of which were launched last fall. Nearly half of visitors (41%) were completely unaware of Connections in Your Area, a database and calendar with information from more than 400 interfaith-friendly organizations that was launched in 2003. Heather Martin, vice president of operations and marketing, said those results indicate that InterfaithFamily.com needs to a better job

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marketing its array of services. "Most users know us only through our Web Magazine and email newsletter," she said.

"The user survey is going to be a really valuable tool for us," said Case. "It gives us a good sense of what we're doing well and what we need to do in the future."

InterfaithFamily.com receives up to 20,000 visitors a month, and more than 7,500 people receive InterfaithFamily.com's biweekly email newsletter.

Micah Sachs is online managing editor of InterfaithFamily.com.


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Home > Article Archive > Spirituality > Interfaith Families and the Synagogue

For more information, visit our Synagogues and the Jewish Community and Interfaith Families Resource Page.

Country Cheder Aims to Turn Sunday School into Family Time By Aaron Leibel Reprinted with permission of Washington Jewish Week.

March 14, 2007

Looking for a nontraditional Jewish Sunday school for your children or grandchildren in upper Montgomery County? The Country Cheder, at the Am Kolel Sanctuary and Renewal Center in Beallsville, Md., might be just what you are seeking.

Hilde Alter's desire to provide an alternative Jewish education for her grandchildren, Jess and Jake Foster, who have a Jewish mother and a Catholic father, drove her to push Rabbi David Shneyer to start the Sunday school.

"I wanted to provide any Jewish education for my grandchildren, but from my daughter's perspective, it had to be more engaging than the Hebrew school that she went to," Alter says.

Her daughter and the mother of Jess, 7, and Jake, 6, Melissa Foster, says she is "thrilled" by the new school. She has looked for six years for a school like this one, which will be "hands-on, learning through arts and crafts and music and really building a community."

"It's not all going to be only academic, it's going to be fun," she says.

Alter had the inside track for her lobbying, the Rockville resident explains. She has known the rabbi for years, plus her daughter was the real estate agent who sold Shneyer the property for Am Kolel.

Her effort has borne fruit with the Country Cheder due to open in September.

But, this Sunday school, which is slated to be in operation 4-6 p.m., will not be run according to the drop-the-kids-off-and-pick-them-up-later model, explains Mat Tonti, educator and camp director at Am Kolel and co-director of the new school.

"That hasn't worked because the kids would learn in a vacuum without the parents having invested themselves and making learning a part of their family culture," he says.

At the Country Cheder, parents will take part in a "parallel education" program. Part of the time, the parents and their kids will learn separately, at other times, together.

But that's not all that is different about the school.

Tonti believes it should appeal to people who are either turned off by the organized Jewish community or who haven't found their place in it yet.

That might include children from intermarried relationships and people who want something "more funky" in their kids' Jewish education.

"The sanctuary is out in the country with a huge garden and woods and a cozy house," Tonti says. "So, it's not a big, ornate synagogue, and will have an intimate feel."

With his own background in environmental and experiential education with Jewish kids, he says that there's going to be a heavy dose of arts, music and storytelling--in addition to getting the kids to be able to read basic Hebrew.

He also hopes "to use the land as a teaching tool" in "nature-ecostudies."

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"Judaism is land-based," Tonti explains, noting that many holidays are linked to agricultural seasons and harvests, in which first fruits were brought to the Temple.

"Maybe we can work in the garden, and we will have something to bring in for Sukkot," he says.

The educator will use objects in nature to talk about Jewish ritual. For instance, he foresees bringing in a grape vine, allowing the students to handle it and discussing its connection to Judaism.

"That would become a catalyst for discussing wine and why we use it in Jewish rituals," he says.

In addition, he wants the children to understand that one of the first mitzvot was to work the land and protect it.

He wants them to ask if now we are really protecting the land.

This is asking "an environmental question through a Jewish lens," he says.

Wanting to start with kindergarten through third grade, Tonti is aiming for a minimum enrollment of 10 kids for the Sunday school. The fee has yet to be determined.

Aaron Leibel is arts editor at Washington Jewish Week.


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Home > Article Archive > Holidays > Other Holidays

For more information, visit our Shabbat and Other Holidays Resource Page.

Shavuot Lesson: Jews Must Champion Cause of Strangers in a Strange Land By Rabbi Jill Jacobs May 15, 2007

NEW YORK (JTA)--As Shavuot approaches, Congress again seems poised to take up the question of immigration reform.

Frustrated by last year's stalemate on the subject, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid earlier this month announced his intention to bypass the normal Judiciary Committee process and take an immigration bill that the Senate passed last year straight to the floor for debate.

The bill, S.2611, is not quite the bill for which immigration advocates had hoped. It would: provide additional visas for prospective immigrants; create a means for some of the 10 million to 12 million immigrants here illegally to change their status; speed up the family-reunification process; and guarantee that those who provide social services to immigrants will not be prosecuted.

Unfortunately, it also would create a complicated, three-tiered legalization process that probably would leave millions unable to adjust their status, and would

include "touchback provisions," which require immigrants already in the United States to leave the country in order to return legally.

Critics of these touchback provisions worry that this requirement will constitute a financial and bureaucratic disincentive for immigrants to go through the legalization process.

The White House is backing a different bill that essentially would end the family-reunification system, which keeps families together by giving immigration preference to close relatives of U.S. citizens. The bill also would create a guest-worker program in which workers could receive three-year legal status through their employers.

We should think about these bills as we read the Book of Ruth on Shavuot. Fittingly, the book begins with a double migration: fleeing the famine in Canaan, Elimelech, his wife Naomi and their two sons leave for Moab.

The sons eventually marry Moabite women and, in short order, father and sons die of unexplained causes. Naomi returns to Canaan with Ruth, one of her daughters-in-law. Without any way to earn an income, the women fall into poverty.

We might imagine each of the central characters feeling simultaneously at home and out-of-place at each critical point in the story: Elimelech and his family are at home in Canaan, yet find their land betraying them by failing to produce sufficient produce. In Moab, where the family should feel out-of-place, the sons find wives and establish households.

Upon returning to Canaan, Naomi finds herself distanced from her former community and dependent on her foreign daughter-in-law to provide for her. Finally, Ruth finds her real home in Canaan, far from her family and within a new community and religious tradition.

This narrative of place and displacement finds a parallel in the central event of Shavuot, the re-enactment of the revelation of the Torah at Mount Sinai. In the biblical story, the Israelites flee slavery in Egypt on the promise of becoming a sovereign nation in their own land. The people soon arrive at Sinai, where they formally establish themselves as a covenantal community in relationship with God.

While the people find their place in the cosmos, so to speak, almost immediately after being

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liberated from slavery, it takes another 40 years and the death of an entire generation for them to claim a physical home as well.

Throughout all of this the people complain, paradoxically, that they felt more at home in Egypt, where they were officially and permanently relegated to outsider status.

Jewish history and memory are full of such stories of displacement, interrupted by the periodic discovery of home. We have formed our collective identity around the assumption that we are destined always to be wanderers.

In America, Jews have found a greater level of stability than at virtually any other point in our legendary wanderings. While we still tell our families' immigration stories, they increasingly have become folk tales told by and to those born too late to meet the immigrant subjects.

Despite our power and security, we continue to identify ourselves as the still-vulnerable descendants of poor immigrants who somehow managed to scramble their way into the middle class.

For generations, our immigrant history has driven American Jews to champion the rights of others who wish to settle in the United States. Opinion polls routinely show that American Jews hold more positive views of immigrants than does the general population; virtually every mainstream Jewish organization with a domestic agenda has passed a position in favor of maintaining the United States as an immigrant nation; and more than 20 local and national Jewish organizations, convened by the Jewish Funds for Justice and the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society, have spent the past year collaborating to garner Jewish support for immigrants and for an immigration-reform bill that would make it easier for newcomers to build a better life here.

On the other hand, some Jews have argued that an influx of immigrants will threaten our ability to maintain our place in the middle and upper-middle class. Others worry that immigrants from Muslim countries pose a security risk to Jewish communities. Still others shy away from immigration issues out of ambivalence about the presence of an undocumented Israeli immigrant community.

As the memory of our own immigration begins to fade, and as we feel increasingly at home in America, some of us begin to see strangers only as a threat to our comfort and not as mirror images of our own immigrant relatives. We reinvent our own coming-to-America stories, imagining that our families came through the appropriate channels and worked their way to the top without any outside support.

Unlike Ruth, Naomi and the Israelites who stood at Sinai, we can feel entirely at home in the place where we live. As a community we have acquired significant wealth and influence; we mostly are able to care for our own community's basic needs; and we can live, attend university and work wherever we want.

Our growing comfort in America threatens to make us less likely to protest when cities pass ordinances prohibiting landlords from renting to "illegal" immigrants, or when employers forbid immigrants from speaking their native languages on the job. We differentiate ourselves from the immigrants who enter America illegally, forgetting that many of our own families were able to enter the United States only by virtue of the open-border policies of the first part of the 20th century, and that millions of Jews died as a result of the visa system established in 1924. We complain that today's immigrants are draining our public resources, ignoring the fact that our own entrance into the middle class was made possible by the public education system.

According to one oft-cited midrash on the Book of Ruth, Elimelech and his family leave Canaan not because they're starving as a result of the famine, but rather because they're wealthy and wish to hide their own food stores from the desperate masses. This selfishness prompts God to punish the family through the deaths of Elimelech and his sons.

The irony of the story, according to this midrash, is that Elimelech flees Canaan in order to protect his own wealth, only for his wife and daughter-in-law to find themselves back in Canaan destitute and dependent on the generosity of the wealthy.

The point of this midrash is clear: Our own success should make us more, not less, sympathetic to those immigrants who differ from us only in the language they speak and the decade they arrived in America.

Jill Jacobs is the rabbi-in-residence at Jewish Funds for Justice.

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Home > Article Archive > Arts and Entertainment > Films, Theater, TV and Music

Interfaith Celebrities: Paul Wolfowitz's Arab Girlfriend and The Naked Brothers Band By Nate Bloom May 22, 2007

Powerful Jews and the Arab Women who Love Them Quite a few international films have featured Jews and Arabs whose Romeo-and-Juliet type romances are heavily influenced by the Arab-Israeli conflict.

However, in the real world, people just fall in love. Unless they are living in the middle of a political cauldron, like Israel, politics is usually not that big an issue in their relationship.

In the United States, Christian Arabs and Jews have been marrying in reasonable numbers for decades. Famous men's clothing designer Joseph Abboud, who is a Christian Arab-American of Lebanese descent, wrote in his autobiography that his American Jewish wife's family and his family had many cultural affinities and politics was never an issue between them. He added that he never had any problem being an Arab in the American fashion industry, which is heavily Jewish.

Still, when a famous American Jew has a romantic relationship with a person of Arab background, people notice--and they are surprised.

As this item goes to press, Paul Wolfowitz has resigned from his position as the president of the World Bank. Wolfowitz, who is Jewish, has been accused of improperly using his influence to get a cushy State Department job for his girlfriend, Shaha Riza, a former World Bank staff member.

Riza, 53, was born into a Muslim family in Libya. Some reports say she is no longer a practicing Muslim. Her father was a Libyan and her mother was Syrian-Saudi. Her father was a consultant to King Saud of Saudi Arabia.

Riza was well-educated in the West and speaks five languages. Before joining the World Bank in 1997, she worked for the National Endowment for Democracy, a United States government funded group that seeks to spread democracy around the world.

Wolfowitz, 63, comes from a religious Jewish family that was also very culturally involved. His father, a Cornell professor, taught in Israel, and Paul's sister, a biologist, married an Israeli and lives in Israel.

Wolfowitz became famous or infamous, depending on your perspective, as Deputy Secretary of Defense from 2001 to 2005. He was one of the "neo-cons" who strongly favored the invasion of Iraq, seeing it as a critical step in the democratization of the Arab world (Wolfowitz taught himself Arabic in the '80s).

Wolfowitz and Riza were both married when they met in the early 1990s. Although it is not crystal clear, it is likely that they did not start dating until at least 1999, by which time Wolfowitz had separated from his Jewish wife of 30 years and Riza had also got a divorce from her husband.

Although their differing backgrounds have not been a main focus of media coverage of their relationship, some sources have discussed it. The London Sunday Times said in 2005, shortly after Wolfowitz was appointed head of the World Bank:

Paul Wolfowitz recently resigned as president of the World Bank following his help to get his Arab girlfriend, Shaha Riza, a well-paid job at the State Department. REUTERS/Yuri Gripas

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Riza, an Arab feminist who confounds portrayals of Wolfowitz as a leader of a 'Zionist conspiracy' of Jewish neoconservatives in Washington...[and who] works as the bank's senior gender co-ordinator for the Middle East and north Africa... not only shares Wolfowitz's passion for spreading democracy in the Arab world, but is said to have reinforced his determination to remove Saddam Hussein's oppressive regime.

It is kind of sad that what many people would view as a bridge relationship across the Arab Muslim and Jewish divide is mired in scandal.

I was surprised about the Riza/Wolfowitz relationship, but I was really knocked-back when I read in the May 11 issue of the New York Daily News that Queen Noor of Jordan and famous Jewish billionaire investor and political activist George Soros were "keeping company":

They set out to help the world's poor, but…George Soros and Queen Noor may have arrived at a romance… buzz is building that the billionaire philanthropist and the widow of Jordan's King Hussein share more than a passion for open societies.

More and more, you're apt to find Her Majesty at the side of the Democratic Party kingmaker. Last November, she turned up for a lecture he gave at Oxford on "The Consequences of the War on Terrorism." (They drove off together afterward.) Last February, she accompanied him on a four-day trip to Liberia…

Soros, 76, and Noor, 55, have been friends and political allies for years… But lately, a good friend confirms, "They have been dating. They seem very happy." The queen, born Lisa Halaby in Washington, D.C., became the fourth wife of King Hussein in 1978, and with him had four children. Since his death in 1999, the erudite beauty, who converted to Islam, has only been linked with one other man, AOL co-founder Jim Kimsey.

The Hungarian-born Soros moved in 1956 to New York, where he established his market-moving Quantum Fund. Three years ago, he and second wife divorced.

A spokesman for Soros denied he's dating the queen and said, "I do not believe he's attending (Tuesday's) event."

Soros, by the way, is not a practicing Jew and only recently has expressed any interest in Jewish issues.

Queen Noor's whole background is nicely covered in the first chapter of her autobiography. Note that her paternal grandfather was a Lebanese Arab Christian immigrant to America (her other grandparents are not Arab). Interestingly, Noor says that her paternal grandfather ended up settling in Dallas, Texas, and, in the 1920s, went into business with the Jewish founder/owners of the famous Neiman-Marcus department store.

Wolffs Leading the Tween Pack A "mockumentary" comedy series on Nickelodeon, "The Naked Brothers Band," is now the top-rated cable program in America for children aged 6-11 (the so-called "tween market.") Launched in February, the show features real brothers Nat Wolff, 12, and Alex Wolff, 9. "Naked" follows the boys' rock band, their friends, and their kiddie crushes.

The boys really do play instruments and are entertaining "naturals." But how they got on the air is a bit more complicated. Their dad is highly respected Jewish jazz pianist Michael Wolff. He met the boys' mother, actress Polly Draper, when he was music director for Arsenio Hall's talk show in the early '90s.

Draper is best known for co-starring as Ellen Warren on TV's "thirtysomething." I am sure Draper is not Jewish by birth. However, my sources are unclear whether she converted to Judaism upon marrying Michael Wolff. I don't think so, but I cannot say one way or the other with certainty.

Inspired by their sons' real-life band, Wolff and



Draper made a comic film about the boys in 2005 called "The Naked Brothers Band." They got Uma Thurman, Julianne Moore, and the entire cast of "thirtysomething" to make cameo appearances. Nickelodeon execs loved the film, which is now out on DVD, and turned it into a TV series. Polly Draper produces the TV show and Michael plays the boys'

father on TV.

Michael Wolff told the Cleveland Jewish News that his family is "culturally Jewish" and that he, Draper, and his sons celebrate Passover and Hanukkah.

Suzanne Pleshette (AKA Newhart's First Wife) Actress Suzanne Pleshette, 70, is an odd Jewish duck. She's had a very long acting career, first in dramas like The Birds, and then as co-star of the classic comedy "Bob Newhart Show." However, if she ever talked to the press about being Jewish, it had to be a very long time ago. I have never found any interview in which ever stated or even hinted that she was Jewish.

About five years ago, I pieced together that Pleshette was Jewish from information I found about her parents. I noted this information on a Jewish biographical website I then edited. Not long after, the user-created web encyclopedia Wikipedia essentially lifted this info without credit and put Pleshette on its list of Jewish-American actors.

Recently, Wikipedia has altered its practice and now does credit its sources, but you will notice they still have no source explaining why they describe Pleshette as Jewish. The reason is that this fact is not found in any standard biography of Pleshette.

Well, now Wikipedia will have a good source--this column item.

I recently spoke with Army Archerd, 85, a legendary Variety columnist. Archerd, who knows Pleshette, told me she is Jewish.

Pleshette's husband of six years, comedian Tom Poston, died on April 30. Archerd attended Poston's funeral and burial at Hillside Jewish cemetery in Los Angeles. Hillside has long been the favorite Jewish cemetery for West Coast showbiz Jews.

Pleshette, Archerd wrote in his blog, gave a witty and warm eulogy that celebrated Tom's life. Pleshette told the funeral crowd that Poston, even though he wasn't Jewish, was "the best Tevye." Poston played Teyve in a stage production of "Fiddler on the Roof." Younger TV viewers probably know Poston best for his supporting role as the dim-witted handyman George Utley on the sitcom "Newhart," which aired from 1982 to 1990.

Before Poston, Pleshette was married for 22 years to non-Jewish businessman Tommy Gallagher. During her eulogy for Poston, Suzanne made a little joke that she had to change Gallagher's name to "Goldberg" so she could bury him at Hillside when he died in 2000. (Actually, Hillside has always permitted the burial of non-Jewish spouses).

Suzanne Pleshette, sadly, is now suffering from lung cancer. I only wish this beautiful, funny, and often "cool" woman had been more public about being Jewish.

Nat (L) and Alex (C) Wolff, stars of Nickelodeon's "The Naked Brother Band," are sons of Polly Draper, of "thirtysomething," and Jewish jazz pianist Michael Wolff. The brothers are shown here with '80s pop goddess Cyndi Lauper.

Suzanne Pleshette, the Jewish actress who played Bob Newhart's wife on the original "Bob Newhart Show," was married in 2001 to Tom Poston, who was a regular on Newhart's next show, "Newhart." Poston died last month. REUTERS

Nate Bloom writes a column on Jewish celebrities, broadly defined, that appears in five Jewish newspapers. If you have any comments or wish to republish parts of this article, please contact Bloom via [email protected].




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