Healing Children Through Healing Parents · hating her long enough to ... self-accepted punishment...

The Primary Mission Theory

Ali Ansari 1/24 Surrenderworks.com

5/6/2009

Healing Children Through Healing Parents

THE PRIMARY MISSION THEORY Understanding the Complexities of Healing Children

Ali Ansari www.surrenderworks.com

Summary Note: (As children) we won’t manifest (our best) as long as there is something else on our minds.

And what’s always on our minds? At the root of it is the dilemma of the need for self-justification, arising from an unwanted and unconscious compulsion to please our parents or to try to escape from pleasing our parents.

So to that I say this. This attempt to please our parents is the root of all neuroses. It is our search for unconditional love. But even after we’ve found unconditional love it’s hard for us to release our neurosis, our neurotic searching. Putting our neuroses back where they came from is integral to self healing.

Children can never please their parents, it’s impossible and they shouldn’t have to. Parents must be pleased with their children, which means they must first be pleased with themselves.

If they (the parents) are not (pleased with themselves)(and how many do you know that are?), they look to be pleased and project their need to be pleased onto their children. In effect, they put their children in the position of needing to please them - which can never be done because they cannot be pleased if they are not already.

But if children can negotiate the shift from pleasing their parents to healing them, they can set themselves free and gain the approval they’re looking for. And for this they need their parents help.

http://www.surrenderworks.com/



5/6/2009

Preamble- The Secret Sister Understanding Bulimia as a Case in Point

“Yes, I admit that I have a split personality, and kinda insist that everyone does whether they know and admit it or not. Don’t we all have “two (or more) sides” to ourselves? Why do we always refer to “a part of me” when we’re undecided about something? But in the case of bulimia, I have to admit that there is clearly an insistent side and a persistent side.

“The more “I” insist that I want to be well from it and that it go away, the more “she” persists in hanging around. The more “I” resist, the more “she” persists. “She” seems to accept me pretty well and is patient and ok with my insistence, but “I” do not accept her at all, quite the contrary. I hate and vilify her with my every breath and waking thought. I’m totally obsessed and possessed by her, and want only to be rid of her. So who am I here, really?

“You’d think I’d “get the message” that she’s not going to go away, and learn to live with and accept her, but what I think I’d have to go through to do that would be unbearable, I feel so much that I should be ashamed of her. And what’s more, I hate and am ashamed of my mom, too, and would rather die than be like her, but I am.

“It seems that my only chance is through understanding, since God knows nothing else (and I’ve tried literally everything) has worked. So if I’m going to understand this, I’m going to have to discover her secret. And if I’m going to discover her secret, I’ve got to somehow stop hating her long enough to listen even though I do not like (obviously) what she has to tell me.

“So - if I’m going to listen to her, first I’ve got to accept her. Hmmmm.

“So who is she, anyway? She’s certainly me, but what is she trying to tell me? She’s like my secret sister, so “she’s” my secret! I know that much, but if she’s got a message for me, I’ve got to get to the state of accepting her before I can hear it.

“But believe me, that’s not easy, ‘cause it’s the one thing I’ve dedicated my life to not do.

“I’m determined! I will not accept her and I will not accept my mom in her present condition, and I will not accept myself in my present condition - except that myself in my present condition is already a manifestation of my not accepting myself. So I’m certain of only one thing, and that is that I’m really confused. And why not? How could I not be? No one, and I mean absolutely no one, has ever made any sense of, or in, my life.

“So what is this deep secret love that I carry? And what is the secret of this deep secret love that I carry?”



5/6/2009

Understanding Spiritual Healing

Spiritual healing is the approach to divinity and divine love well understood by Eastern masters and more recently by the leading edge psychological researchers and groups of western healers looking into all resources to understand reasons and cures for modern diseases. The most recently discovered foundation to this approach states that the whole of healing is in knowing the difference between conditional and unconditional love, and that it requires support from the people of unconditional love to help the people of conditional love make the transformation. Evidently, the whole of our self-limiting can be attributed to attempts to meet conditions for love. Yet love is divine, holy and endless and more and more people are coming to that realization daily. But if not, then the first step is getting their attention, getting them to believe and understand it, hence the point of suffering.

The Sufi poet Hafiz wrote: “All your images of winter I see against your sky. I understand the wounds that have not healed in you. They exist because God and Love have yet to become real enough to allow you to forgive the dream.”

It’s very clear that until the emotional entanglement around an anchoring issue is cleared, in most cases, attempts to clarify or eradicate that issue will fail. So what are ‘anchoring’ issues? Anchoring issues are those issues, traumatic or otherwise, that hold a physical incapacity in place.

Conscious Denial and Why People Refuse to Heal Our conscious mind is in many stages of denial all at once. We deny remembering

everything no matter what and for good reason - even what we ate yesterday. But the entirety of our experience is stored in our memory.

Healing definitely means revisiting - being able to make sense of our lives, rather than exist in a coma of traumatic shock - and people simply do not want to do that. So rather than heal themselves, they pass their illnesses and the responsibility for healing them on to their children who, understandably begrudged, necessarily shoulder that responsibility. Eventually, after hostility develops, these children want to cause pain back, they want their parents to show remorse and suffering, to feel something, so they increase the intensity of their illness or behavior. This becomes a vendetta in which one would rather die than forgive and forget.

For many people anger and desire for revenge can be so strong that they will rebel against the idea of healing themselves before tasting it. For many people, sickness is their chosen means of expression for anger, futility, frustration and grief, and of course they do not want to admit that. So if your sickness is plaguing you and everything you do to help it go away seems to be failing, you might want to look into a well-known trick of the self called PR or Psychological Reversal. You know if you’re doing it! It’s quite possible that in spite of all your outward affirmations, you may not really want to get well. It’s possible that your intention has actually degenerated to pure revenge or some other lesser form of drawing attention to the



5/6/2009

real unspoken problem, rather than to getting well. If that is the case then your illness is the self-accepted punishment you feel you must suffer for the pleasure you feel in advance for the cruelty you’re enjoying afflicting.

It’s OK! We understand this and you are not wrong! You feel you’ve been hurt beyond repair and only getting back looks like any payback at all for the suffering you’ve endured. But how would it be if we could show you a better way? So you could lighten up on your objects of revenge, and take some of the pressure and the pain off of yourself?

Explaining Illness as a Manifestation of Love The Secret is this - In the perfection of God, there is nothing really wrong, it is only a

progression towards understanding that. We need to know what’s right, what is really happening underneath our illusions and opinions. So in God’s perfect world, which is present in spite of appearances, everyone is healed (saved) already, but reaching to that understanding. We help others to reach this understanding by sending them love and healing from our hearts first - by seeing them first in the light of God, as already perfect, healed and progressing toward understanding that. That sending - of light, love, healing and compassionate understanding - is what heals us! I’m not saying that this is easy to comprehend, but it is the eventuality, if your course of healing is progressing in the right direction.

Healing is what reconnects us with that from which we felt separated. If we are not - never have been and never will be - separated from God, (by virtue of the impossibility) then the question is, where and when did we pick up the feeling or perception of separation? If there is in reality no separation, what then do we heal? We can only really heal the feeling of separation. And if we are not healing by increasingly feeling our divine connection, then something is getting in the way (often referred to as our ‘self’ or self-definition).

Most of us feel at least somewhat separated from love or from God. That might even be our primary feeling, and the motivation to feel love would be our primary motivation. But if it’s not true that we are or ever have been separated from God or from love, then where did the feeling that we are come from? It came from where we by now no longer want to go or return.

The feeling of separation is the result of our initial perception of rejection or misunder-standing by our parents. On the soul level, that, to us, is completely unacceptable, as we feel bound to fulfill our primary mission, that of being a source of love and healing for our parents. So accordingly and in the final analysis, all of our so-called “innate” hostility can be understood as a manifestation of our rejection of rejection.

And the BIG Question is, “Are we willing to let go of that?”

It’s not about getting ‘back’ to God. We’re already there and never weren’t. It’s about healing our feelings of separation. And what is our first experience of that feeling? Our perception of rejection from our parents!



5/6/2009

On a soul level, our first material perception of frustration, anger and hostility arose with our perceived inability to connect, to complete our primary mission - that of being a source of love, joy and healing to our parents. We were simply not getting through.

We can only attribute this feeling of separation to our perception of rejection. In the infantile framework we have no other point of reference except to connection or rejection. The feeling of rejection can only cause us to get sick and eventually hostile. We will then spend the rest our lives in an attempt to heal ourselves – our expression of trying to find out and heal “what’s wrong” – and discover that it all boils down to our own self-imposed reactions to the perception of rejection. Frustration, sickness and hostility all arise from the perception of rejection. All of our “hostility” is in reality nothing more than a manifestation of our reaction to this perception, our rejection of their rejection. How is it then, not a manifestation of our Love?

As parents learn to heal themselves, their children will respond accordingly!!! Think about that! Think how well it makes you feel to see your parents happy and healed (or does it?). So heal them in your heart and teach them this! Don’t say it can’t be done! It can be done! Here’s how, but will you?

Healing Parents The Primary Mission Theory

First - A Working Hypothesis - What does it mean to have one? A working hypothesis is a context into which we can place a series of events and from which

we can make sense of them, which offers the possibility of an optimistic, positive outcome. I have found that by accepting this theory and presenting it to others as a working hypothesis, we seem to be able to reach with relative speed and understanding results hitherto unaccomplished in the field of enlightenment and spiritual healing.

Case in point In the final analysis, the illness of Bulimia (see “The Secret Sister”), reportedly incurable in

a vast majority of sufferers, is not just a cry for help. It’s a social outrage, speaking out in anger, protest and self-suffering against a society that has no mercy for parental anxiety and suffering the whole world over. It is a cry for understanding, support, healing and forgiveness from these sufferers as children, but not so much for themselves as for their parents. But what we steadfastly refuse to do is take the focus off the kids and put it on the parents! And why is that?

Refusing to Accept Rejection Looked at from the standpoint of spiritual healing, it will be found that the underlying

statement of self-sick children is one of rejection of rejection. The peaceful self-aware soul voice of the sufferer is saying, “I’m really OK in spite of myself and all the things I’ve taken on to



5/6/2009

impress you with something. And don’t think I couldn’t stop this in a moment if you were ok, but I won’t until you figure out why - that it is you that needs help, not me.” How do we arrive at this very helpful understanding?

As we all know in one way or another, children are sent from God to be a blessing, a mercy and a healing for their parents. However, they are not always accepted as such. I am proposing that when as babies we are not allowed (for a variety of reasons later to be investigated) to perform this divine and holy function it literally makes us sick, which manifest as frustration, confusion and acquired anxiety. This is currently thought of as the children taking on the anxieties of the parents, and well understood as such, but I am taking it a step further and adding to it a yet deeper dimension by hypothesizing the possibility of an unwavering truth, which I call the Primary Mission Theory, that “children are sent to bring love and healing to their parents”. It is their primary mission, and that the illnesses they take on are a strategy expressing the spiritual frustration coming from the inability to fulfill that mission, coupled with an inability to understand why. So they set out on a quest to understand sickness, and the first they eventually understand, if they succeed, is their own. But it relates directly to the psychological predicament of their parents.

It is now proven, if not well known, that Unity heals. Psychological and emotional investigation shows that releasing emotional blocks increases our capacity to perceive and love Unity, which increase brings peace of mind and further enables us to heal and to think well of ourselves. Since Unity is all that exists, can it not be said that feelings of separation are only feelings, and that it is these feelings themselves that are interfering with our perception of Unity? So if there is no real separation, but only the feelings of separation, where do these feelings come from and how can we prove it and eradicate them?

Experiments have proven to me that even having pleasant thoughts about our parents goes a long way toward increasing our perception of unity and we can actually feel it in the form of an increased feeling of well being. Reactions to - or varying degrees of acceptance of - the concept of sending love and healing to our parents will quickly show the depth and orientation of the problem.

Many spiritual traditions state that children are the secrets of their parents. This is an assertion with profound and mostly unwanted implications.

As the parents of self-sick, angry, violent, neurotic, depressed, destructive, suicidal, bulimic, anorexic murderous children continue to hide their individual versions of dysfunction through the conventionally accepted defensive facade of normalcy, these children, forced to accept it, see that the parents do not know how to correctly accept personal responsibility. And in looking outside themselves for some reason for their personal, and in many cases, unrecognized difficulty, they are willing to cast the blame and responsibility on “being born” itself. They soon realize that they have no recourse but to quickly preemptively blame themselves and soon come to believe that there is actually something wrong with them, no matter how hard the parents may, in almost all cases, strive to convince them otherwise. These children will then, of course, go to great extremes to show and prove “their” (acquired) dysfunction by acting out and creating (almost mocking) manifestations of it. The false



5/6/2009

explanation that there is something wrong with the children is gladly accepted by all, and their condition is thereby exacerbated and magnified by being the focus of attention (which is a ruse).

These children, due to their inability or unwillingness to understand and accept that something is wrong with their parents - a difficult realization at best and impossible when you are young, (although it may dawn somewhat later in life if they are among the lucky ones who find support for this reasoned approach from among their peers) - find that they have no choice but to take on the responsibility, blame and sense of causation for parental dysfunction and therefore must act out the sickness in themselves that they perceive but cannot understand in their parents. Mind you, it does not have to be and rarely is the same form of illness, but for the purposes of this theory, we’ll just say that sickness is sickness, regardless of the manifestation.

This acting out, as it were, is in its simplest terms simply the process of understanding. Naïve and innocent, they literally put themselves on the cross, in the same fire, in order to take on the responsibility of reaching its conclusion. They take the brunt of the parental illness or disregard and in doing so demonstrate and emphasize their parents’ lack of real understanding and self-forgiveness. Setting aside all reactions, defenses and facades, in every case we will find that there is truth to this hypothesis. Parents must and often do admit to the stark truth of the matter - that they are completely ignorant of what’s really going on.

Children are the secrets of their parents This has been stated in religious and spiritual tradition and the reality of it has been

proven and exemplified time and again. Societal support for the parental denial involved in the inflicting of children with diagnosable disease adds to the obscuration and mystery of this problem and many children (now become adults) would prefer to, and do, die of (their) dis-ease than give up their family secrets. Unfortunately, the parents of these children are the witting or unwitting accomplices in this tragedy.

The bottom line is simple and proven if not easy. As parents learn to heal themselves, the children will respond accordingly. Just thinking about it makes one feel better.

The sickness that a bulimic or anorexic child demonstrates is, in its reducible form, no more than a manifestation of her perception of the sickness in her family. Her sickness was, and is still, supported by her family and serves its purpose by taking the attention off of themselves, by placing it squarely upon the child. And in her mind and heart - because it is a constructive and purposeful manifestation of her dedication and determination to fulfill her primary mission - it cannot go away (be healed) until her primary mission of bringing love and healing to her parents is accepted. But in order to do that she must heal herself. And in order to do that she must be able to take the blame off herself, which is virtually impossible without this understanding by her parents. Hence, Healing Parents.

Healing Parents - the need for paternal love - its purpose and why we have it



5/6/2009

Look how many people there are in every profession and especially healing - studying, learning investigating, traveling, working. And what is the recognizable first and primary motivation of all children, which carries on into life should it not be fulfilled in childhood? It is simply to please - and to please our parents, specifically daddy.

We have, recognize and act upon our need for paternal love because in our minds the reality of it is simply not there. We’ve simply given up and accepted that we’ll never really bring the love and healing to our parents. For many of us the possibility is no longer even on the horizon. The question in need of healing is - why is it not there? Why are so many, if not all of us, driven by our need or desire for paternal love? I might go so far as to propose that unconsciously we are driven into the fields of healing and psychotherapy by our need to understand its absence and how to heal it. We are driven by our desire to heal - but is it just ourselves, and can that ever be enough? I focus here on men because if the men in families are secure, loved and healed, the women and children will more likely be also.

Is not security and the perceived lack of it the major paternal issue? Why do men feel so all alone? Could it be because they are? Have men abandoned each other? Is not security in society the reason for guilds (which means welds or bonds of loyalty and brotherhood)? Is it not the reason for gangs? How different could it be if gangs were understood in this light and not made wrong and vilified by a society in need of enemies upon whom to wage the war at which they are so experienced and from which they make so much money? What if it were possible to see that the gangs are simply kids acting out a societal deficiency? Could they not be turned around? Will they be, or will they continue to manifest their insistence upon help for their parents?

Everyone knows that Aikido is the supreme and perfected martial art based on knowing that there is no enemy, only fear, and turning fear, and enemies, into friends. And fear is just the basic survival instinct. Is it really needed? Or do we, as lonesome, isolated people, only still think that it s? But if we are still operating from that adrenaline rush of having just survived, then even if there is no longer any enemy in sight, we will look to create one out of need to justify our un-calmed war mode. We are coming out of the lesser battle for survival and into the greater battle of calming and clearing the excited, still fighting self. This is the art of peace - of bringing peace, love and security into ourselves and our world. It’s what children, and innocent, secure and unafraid adults, are all about.

As parents learn to heal themselves, their children will respond accordingly. Just think about it.

A Passionate Demand for Help Until her parents can recognize their part in the creation of this sickness, they will not

cease to be plagued by it, and the child will not be vindicated and satisfied - released from the self-imposed responsibility to manifest it. In many cases the persistence of the bulimic activity can be completely cleared of emotional confusion and accepted for exactly what it is, a life saving, self and soul preserving habit acquired as a needed tactic for self preservation. But the habit is hard to kick until it can be heard and understood for what it is - a manifestation and



5/6/2009

reminder of deep seated resentment, anger and hostility. Then it will simply not be needed any longer.

Clearing the underbrush - the emotional confusion around the acquisition of the habit - requires time and a consistent, properly oriented therapeutic support. But until the habit itself is deeply understood, it persists in its need to deliver a message. The message is simple, but not easily heard: “Help my parents, not me!”

The illness serves also another function, that of causing the child to investigate herself and the nature and causes of her condition - where it came from, what it is, how and why she took it on, what it is demanding (recognizing its symbolization, what it stands for) - all of which will lead to the inevitably conclusion of hearing a passionate demand for help for her parents.

This line of reasoning applies not only to this set of symptoms. As we know, we have a whole generation of societies of quietly or actively rebellious children bound and determined to scream on their parents in one way or another, while the parents dutifully seek support in a medically oriented society willing to accept their money in exchange for absolution. Only the few and the brave among them seek to apply radical techniques of personal responsibility and psycho-spiritual techniques of self investigation to come to proper and satisfying conclusions.

But as the evidence to this line of reasoning increases, more and more successful cases will emerge to convince the society at large that radical reform is both necessary and immanent, and it does not involve blame, but necessitates the taking of personal responsibility. As larger support groups develop even more speedy and radical means towards psychological and emotional clearing, it may pave the way toward a new understanding of the cause and cure of theses illnesses, which will set free a great number of grateful people to increase the universal success of this work.



5/6/2009

THE ATTEMPT TO BE PERFECT Cancer As Unexpressed Or Unresolved Complaint

“Ali, my wise and beloved friend.. I love the new piece on cancer as unresolved complaint... As a social worker and “trained listener”, I concur! I felt many times in my practice as a social worker of the healing power of active listening... Even now that I am no longer practicing per se, I still experience it in my everyday relationships... In fact, thank you for reminding me to be more conscious of its importance... This should be actively and consciously applied in our marriages, relationships with children, friendships, offices, and everywhere else... Active and caring listening as a form of healing... As always, you have provided me with another level of understanding to this important reality... Great stuff...Wassalam,” ~ Abdul-Lateef Abdullah ~

More on the Primary Mission Theory If our Primary Mission as infants is to bring love and healing to our parents, then our

primary complaint to God would be that of failure, of being unappreciated. Yet that is the very problem we’re sent to resolve. So we take it on, all the time wondering “what’s wrong”. So we dedicate ourselves to discovering what’s wrong, and first we have to figure out what’s wrong with ourselves. And the ultimate healing will reveal finally that there is nothing (further or really) wrong. So the problem then becomes, where did we come up with the idea that there was, and why did we spend so much time working on a problem which, in the final analysis, doesn’t really exist?

And it turns out that our parents still believe that there is something wrong and are, by virtue of that belief, a part of and contributing to the problem, rather than the solution. So they too, must do their homework and discover where on earth they came up with the all-consuming idea that there is something wrong, and it will turn out to be again the Primary Mission Theory, that they too were sent to bring love and healing to their parents, and that they too, due to the obstinacy of their parents, came away with the feeling that there was something wrong with themselves, not wanting to, in their loving kindness, or being able to, due to overwhelming influence, attribute something wrong to the parents. So ask them now and they’ll still tell you that their childhood was perfectly normal, and what’s wrong with you for thinking that it might be otherwise?

And then we arrive at the point of distinction between genuine love and joy and perfect love and joy. By the latter I mean the love and joy that is so perfect that no fault can be seen in it or by it, and by the former I mean the Love and Joy that sees all faults but loves and joys within and in spite of them.

Look at the lives of cancer victims and you will determine that perfection is cancer inducing, because it does not allow for faults. It exists in a totally unforgiving world, because there is nothing wrong and therefore nothing to forgive. Evil will arise where it is not seen. This is because it exists, but not in the form we imagine and therefore reject and fight against. It exists to be known - to be recognized, understood and forgiven, in every form. There is nothing unforgivable, except the unwillingness to be forgiven, to accept forgiveness and



5/6/2009

reconnect with innocence. And that’s only because man dares to pit his will against God’s will and create for himself a living hell. Even if he was born into it and insists that it is not just his but “the” reality, when confronted with the opportunity to rethink his options, he obstinately refuses and continues to create mischief all the while believing that he is doing good. Such is the nature of our competitive world that we would far prefer to be right than happy. (Note: from ACIM- “You may wonder why it is CRUCIAL that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent.” “You are not seriously disturbed by your hostility.”)

Hence God’s primary complaint to Man is exactly the same as man’s primary complaint to God - unappreciated.

This brings one to experiment with and eventually discover the healing power of acknowledgment, appreciation and the need for a reflection, since we rarely discover it on our own, of our ability to acknowledge ourselves and self-appreciate. Imagine yourself totally appreciated. Doesn’t it feel like you could live forever in that? Just feel the appreciation and realize the healing power of it. After all, God is also the Grateful and the Shower of Appreciation. Can you not at least appreciate yourself for your capacity to enjoy, feel and thrive in appreciation?

Def: To appreciate: - to increase in value, to decrease our inability to feel ourselves, to increase in the feeling of TrueSelf, physical health, spiritual safety and wellness, self value, personal worth, happiness and value to others, and sense of contributing to the creation of an appreciating (increasing in value) environment.

This theory may apply even more to all diseases in general, since all disease manifests first as a complaint, either heard or unheard. That’s why we call it dis-ease. Our ease, our personal or spiritual composure, is being ‘dissed’ in some way, either felt or recognized. That’s why ease is the opposite of and cure for dis-ease. That’s why hospitality is the root and basis of hospitalization. Because true hospitality will show genuine appreciation for who you really are. It is the reality of “Namaste”. Can you offer, can you accept, this kind of hospitality? It is general and unconditional, whereas hospitalization is severely conditional upon the severity of your dis-ease. Is it life threatening? Do you have money?

Are our complaints being heard? Is not a hospital the ‘complaint department’ of life? Is not the doctor’s office the entrance to the hospital? Can he in his wisdom provide the

hospitality necessary to find, field, harbor and maybe even provide resolution for the genuine complaint and thereby remedy the dis-ease by exemplifying for the patient how to restore his personal or spiritual composure, his “ease”? Why do we not do this? Why do we not harbor complaints? Do we ourselves feel under attack? Do we feel ourselves so unable to offer resolution that we will not allow that which we do not understand or are extremely uncomfortable with to arise?

[Do we feel ourselves so dis-eased that we need money so badly that we will sell our souls to the devil and sell the devil’s medicine to our patients which only increases the stress and the feeling of dis-ease? (Then are we the real drug pushers. We are a drug pushing nation, and we



5/6/2009

insist on selling our experimental and inferior grade products to the poorer, more ‘needy’ nations at an even greater price.) ]

A genuine Hakim sees Divine Wisdom in everything, and through understanding the Divine Wisdom provides resolution to the complaint and relief for the dis-ease of the patient. Through seeing the ultimate purpose of everything, she can explain the true nature of the perceived injustices that cause complaint and eventually disease, and provide rectification through knowledge of God’s Mercy and Forgiveness.

People don’t want to complain, even though they do want to. Even though it’s a major pastime, we always complain about our complaining. Why do we always say “I don’t want to complain, but…”?

It’s because we all know that complaint is rarely if ever received very well, but have we ever asked why that is? I might venture the reply that it is because we feel that it is asking of us more that we can give. We just do not have the answers, and for the most part that brings up our ancient and horrible feeling of helplessness. So we can only at best shrug our shoulders and commiserate (offering consolation, compensation and adjustment) and we do not like that. We simply do not know what to do, and we can’t stand that feeling. So since we’d rather not feel that way, we request politely or demand with punishment that no one complains. This now accepted social ‘norm’ becomes accepted preemptively. We expect it, so we learn to repress our complaints. And there we have the basis for stoicism, martyrdom, secret silence and victimhood. In a word, cancer.

But that does not make the complaint go away; and indeed, in normal life all things are passing and there is a great deal of our life that does not leave traumatic scars. But many things leave the scars of deep injustice and misunderstanding, which are then repressed and aggravated by the misconception that we, and our complaints, are wrong and do not count because nothing can be done about them anyway. So our lives become meaningless in terms of genuine spiritual accomplishment or personal healing, and meaningful only in terms of perfection in the eyes of others; and such is the difference between the healing which we were sent to do, and pleasing, which we are forced to do. This is why ‘bad’ things happen to ‘good’ people, and why terminal diseases such as cancer and tragedies such as Columbine often strike the people who appear to be doing the best job of all of life.

But if we only knew that all we really have to do is listen intelligently instead of rebuff complaint, we would learn something and the healing would take place as a result of the expression and the absence of repression, and not as a result of our response.

But since complaint is considered to be the symptom of something to fix, or a demand for something that we do not feel capable of delivering, we do not want to hear it and so repress it, when, for the most part, hearing it completely is all that is really necessary.

in peace and love ali



5/6/2009

Afternote: I’m convinced that disease is psychosomatic in origin and that free and educated people

will not have any disease. But disease is big business so keeping people in slavery to money is as essential as keeping them in ignorance while calling it science, medicine and education. I’m also convinced that death by disease is the sign of and liberation from hopeless entrapment; even if by all social standards the individual appears to have attained all the freedom and education life has to offer.

If we’re not consciously receiving our health, guidance and physical energy from the Highest Divine Source (God) at all times and willing to sacrifice all of our mortal attachments in the quest for that form of spiritual health, then we are not really free, and that means me, too. Therefore, in order for us to attain to and realize the ultimate freedom gift of God the Underappreciated, we must create some form of liberation from the bonds of this existential life, and that form is death. If we cannot do it on our own by willpower alone, we will create and be grateful for some assistance. The body will eventually break down under the stress and weight of its attachments. This is why the creation and existence of spiritual orders is so important. After all, it was taught by the Buddha that three elements are necessary for liberation from the fear of death into the real life - Buddha, Dharma, Sangha - the realized guide, the truth teachings and the community formed around the required practices. And so it is in all spiritual communities.



5/6/2009

AVIDYA - IGNORANCE OF OUR SPIRITUAL REALITY More on Cancer as Unexpressed Complaint

(and The Three Responses to Fear)

Could it be that both fear and desire are caused by ignorance of self? Both fear and desire can certainly be called suffering, and in Sanskrit the cause of suffering is ignorance of self - of our Spiritual Reality - which manifests as the absence of personal fulfillment - no presence. Knowing neither self nor God would certainly be sufficient to cause both fear and desire. So presence - knowledge of our Spiritual Reality- conquers fear and satisfies desire.

Avidya - The Absence of Personal Fulfillment (Presence) is the underlying cause of every motivation, and motivation (motive/e-motion) is the cause of every deed.

It seems, then, that if we can catalyze or provide the (generic - lowest common denominator) means for the attainment of personal fulfillment (genuine self-presence in God), then we can obviate (to some degree) the need for explorative investigation into the psyche or individuality.

So in the case of a cancer that is (theoretically) a pathological (see definition) response to a traumatic event, or was (theoretically) “triggered” by a significant traumatic event, what was triggered was fear, and the response was one (or more) of the three basic known responses(*) (see “the three responses to fear” - below).

(* probably governed by constitutional type and miasmatic tendencies coupled with psychological background governing preparedness for traumatic incident.)

And, according to the most recent discoveries in successful healings done by Dr. Hamer (see his website - www.newmedicine.ca) the active participant was a physical organ or location in the body related to, activated and controlled by a particular location in the brain, the theory becomes that if the fear can be released (through identifying the trauma and reliving it in ‘safe’ mode, which is what hypnosis is all about) then the body no longer feels the need to retain the memory in the response mode of its predisposition.

Hypertension is what keeps it in place, and hypertension is the result of a deeply instilled fear, and even though that fear should and will be identified and dealt with appropriately, the (fear-based) method of digging after it only stimulates it to dig/hide deeper, for it is in fear itself and for itself - for it contains a message that it deems of great importance (ultimately that there is nothing to fear) and does not want to be destroyed or cast out as a demon.

It’s only by listening that its message will be heard and its mission accomplished. it needs to be loved too but it will be the last and the final OK.

So- how to go about doing what - that is the question....

Absence of Self Fulfillment (Avidya - Sanskrit for ignorance of self) manifests as unfinished business, or fear of death. Self-Fulfillment manifests as no fear of death. Fear of

http://www.newmedicine.ca/



5/6/2009

death is fear, and fear is the antithesis of trust and love. Trust and love are great on the tongue but rarely truly known and actually felt. But seeking truth (our true personal fulfillment) is the means to discovering them, not the other way around.

Fear is the antithesis of healing since it is fear itself that causes disease and needs to be healed. This seems impossible to/for/by the fearful.How can a fearful healer heal another? (Hence iatrogenesis). It doesn’t seem possible except that they catalyze mutual self-discovery.The ultimate fear in most cases is the fear of death and therefore a resulting fear of life. Knowledge of God is the antidote for the fear of death but where do we and how can we find the true Knowledge of God? (Hence the search for Truth, which comes from and culminates in, the Knowledge of God).

We know so much but we also know that knowledge without practice is useless if we do not know how to practice what we know. Will following the instructions of others who do not know and trying to “get there” help? It may be that they do “know” what to do, and even “know” “how” to do it but do they Know what the goal is and have they reached and do they Know what it is to really know or are they only hoping, expecting, working towards it, practicing.

Without the actual physical presence of one who has actually reached to a goal, it is difficult to find a way or even know where or what the goal is without a map from one who has been or is already where you are wanting to be. And when you get there you will find yourself in the company of others who are there also. And you will Know, of a Certainty. There will be no doubt. And you will be ready, truly prepared, to die, and thence to live. La khaufun ‘alaihim wa laa hum yahzanun Q:2:56 “No fear upon them nor shall they grieve”.

Fear of death is instilled. It is not innate. Except in the cases of pre-natal trauma, babies are not naturally born with the fear of anything, much less death. Fear (of death) is instilled. We need to un-instill it. That is the paramount goal. With no further fear of death the human being is free to live a joyous, long healthy life.

The Three Responses to Fear: Fight, Flight or Freeze Fight leads to Anger and destruction. Flight leads to Sadness and abandonment. Freeze

leads to Paralysis (the opposite of Chameleon/everchange).

Freed Freeze (survived) leads to Depression. Unfreed Freeze is Paralysis.

Normal Paralysis=acceptance with fear resulting in resignation, readiness, decisive indecision, immediate analysis, temporary increase awareness, immediate consideration of options. Pathological Paralysis has no options, is the immediate outcome of engramatic hopelessness.

Hamer relates cancer to paralysis. Is there a relationship between cancer and stubbornness? Trauma is paralysis. Traumatic event causes paralysis. The defenses of fear and desire

(flight and fight) are temporarily put on hold. An inability to immediately cope causes temporary loss of consciousness. The subconscious (vulnerability) is totally, if even



5/6/2009

momentarily exposed. At moments of loss of consciousness impressions are engrammed. Body does not understand context, simply remembers words, mostly as commands.

Example: “You’ll never get anywhere without a college education” may be sound advice in one

context but in the traumatic context of realizing that you are unloved for who and what you are in the moment and seriously getting the love you crave is dependent upon some distant and incomprehensible behavior in the future, in that moment of hopelessness/vulnerability, the words are -

“you” - “will” - “never” - “get” - “any” - “thing/where” - “without” - “college” - “education”.

and they are commands... and they are all negative.

They negate “getting” (anything/anywhere) affirming that there is somewhere/thing to get that will never happen so get used to it (being a loser) because you’re sure to miss getting that which make you a winner,

They negate “college”, and “education”, so that no matter how successful you may be at self-education, which turns out to be the only real education there is, you will never feel educated (enough) and therefore always less capable of “earning a living”, which is another horribly engrammed/negative phrase which I rarely want to deal with - my response is to hell with it, (earning a living) in any kind of structured pattern since I’ll never do it anyway, so financial survival forces me onto the job market, which is also rarely satisfying except as a means of support to “get” to a “better” place, about which I know absolutely nothing and the chances of attainment for which I have little serious hope. Hence resignation/paralysis.



5/6/2009

WHAT KIDS REALLY WANT An Introduction to Healing Children through Healing Parents

Understanding the Primary Mission Theory and

Rediscovering the Importance of Parents A New Light on Personal and Surrogate Healing

Explaining Illness, Anxiety and Hatred as Manifestations of Love

Parents! Have you Lost Touch with Your Kids? Learn what your kids really want from

you and how to give it to them. Understand What’s Really Going On!

Children are bonded to their parents in a way much more than the parents know and understand. That’s why the Sufis say that the children are the secrets of their parents.

What kids want more than anything is for their Parents to Be Well, (often translated as “cool”), but parents are exploiting this bond (“I’m well when you’re Good”, “You make me sick”) rather than recognizing it.

Don’t deny it! Because until you learn to recognize this common fault and error, you cannot heal it.

Learn to own your fear: We cannot change what we do not own.

Argue with me all you want. I’m sure you will, and your kids might too, because they are by now as convinced as you

about your values in life, but maybe not. And since their mission has by now transformed from healing (they’re always trying to be a source of love and happiness for you, haven’t you noticed?) - which they may have given up on so long ago that it’s not even a consideration any more - to serving (pleasing or displeasing, as the case may be), their attitude toward establishing a genuine rapport with you could now be simply “Forget it, it’s never gonna happen.”

But maybe not! And it doesn’t matter what they think, ‘cause everything changes. But it is more than

highly likely that they themselves would love you to practice even a little bit of what you preach, so here’s how to do it and it will make them happy (and you).

All is not lost! Start now! Learn how to support your kids properly and to teach them - and exemplify your teaching - what is truly of value in life. It’s way easier than you think.

Parents are so selfish. All they ever think about is themselves and what’s wrong with their kids. They’re so focused on wanting their kids to be perfect, or happy, or well adjusted (to what, may I ask?), and all this so that they can feel relieved and that they are doing a ‘good’ job of parenting and have model kids and have pride and good standing in some community.



5/6/2009

They want their kids to be happy but not for the kids’ sakes but for their own. And THAT will never happen.

Until parents learn what’s really going on with kids (and themselves), they’ll never be happy with them until their kids are picture perfect outwardly and totally repressed inwardly. Just like they want to be.

But it manifestly does not work that way. Isn’t it obvious? Never in the course of history has there been so much crime and disease.

All of it is the expression of YOUR own soul wishing to be free.

It can be done! But not through repression of expression and behavior control or modification.

Parents must learn to be Really brave and unafraid, and that’s not easy in today’s society. But it can be done and the reward far outweighs the pain.

It’s much easier than you think. But it’s still not easy. It means that YOU must face Your Fears, BEFORE asking your children to face them.

Can YOU do that? If not, how can you expect your children to? Your True Self is not “bad”, it’s actually quite happy. But if your kids are unhappy, it’s

definitely because Your True Self is repressed! Can you get that through your head after all your years of upbringing in an environment that has taught the perfection of self repression for the sake of conformity and survival?



5/6/2009

PARENTS! Learn how to Establish Rapport with you kids

through Self Understanding. (Sound Like a Good Idea?)

Take a Course on Healing Parents

Learn the Principles of Self Realization and watch how your children change. Believe me, deep down all they want is for You to Be Well !

IMPROVE YOUR RAPPORT!

Understand What’s Really Going On! In the Home: with Parents, Children and Spouse

On the Job: with Employers, Employees and Co-workers Socially: with Friends, Associates and Love Interests A Simple Training in Meditative Introspection can

Easily Improve Your Life and Relationships. Help Your Parents, Help Your Children, Help Yourself ! Improve Your Life, Work, Healing Practice or Profession!

Kids of all ages!

Recognize your desire to heal your parents and learn how. Given up? Simply don’t know how? Rather wring their necks?

No Problem! We can deal with it. Think and Grow Friendly!

Email me here!

Phone me for personal training applying the principles of Intentional Contemplation to this or any other problem.

Ten Week Course for Permanent Results. Affordable Rates

Surrenderworks!

Spiritual Healing & Holistic Health Education Classes, Groups & Personal Consulting

ALi Ansari ~ 618-698-8001



5/6/2009

THE REALITIES OF SPIRITUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY (and the Pinnacles of Sufi Psychology and Healing)

Dedicated to my Mother and my Father, Manifestations of Divine Love

THE END OF HEALING: Understanding our Primary Mission, the Importance of its Completion,

and the Significance of the Absence of its Completion.

Positing the peculiar Sense Of Separation carried by most human beings to be the primary cause for their neurotic behavior (including compulsive normality or conformity), the underlying neurosis of which being an unidentifiable anxiety - an unnerving and unrelenting sense that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Also positing the misdiagnosis of this unrecognized and untreated potentially minor neurosis and trying to fix it as the cause of all identifiable major neuroses and psychoses, which manifest as ill health and unpleasant behavior in their search to be healed.

Trying to fix it necessarily denies its root cause. Trying to fix it posits it as true and therefore potentially remediable. From this false belief come all the so-called remedial attempts that have only served to complicate and obfuscate the real problem, which is a perfectly normal and understandable sense of separation.

All illness and unpleasant behavior is a call for help. This could be recognized as an undeniable truth.

If our primary mission is to know God, and God created us for that, then how can we fail if our will is in sync with Divine will, and Divine will be done. (as in finished?)

What does it mean, “The book is written and the ink is dry”? So if knowing God is our primary mission, and it’s done already, why do we not feel

complete? Why do we still sense incompleteness? (Hadith about children, heaven and parents) Why are we still behaving in response to neurotic behavior patterns? Why are we not at peace - in harmony and joy with ourselves and with others? Why do we still have anxieties which lead to ill health?

Perfection is an Attitude! We can adopt it if we choose. We can choose to see perfection, or we can choose to seek for faults. Faultfinding is actually blame. We’re blaming the fault for and to manifest our dissatisfaction. In order to blame a fault we have to find one - hence faultfinding.

OR, we can choose to see perfection, and can God see otherwise? It is only from our sense of separation that we seek. If we had no sense of separation we

would not feel the need or desire to SEEK Unity. Why should we seek what we already have, what is already there?



5/6/2009

If the Sense Of Separation is recognized as the fundamental illusion, and all neuroses as extensions and perpetuations of this fundamental illusion, then it would stand to reason that the healing of this Sense of Separation would eliminate the primary fault upon which all neurotic manifestations were constructed.

It seems as though everyone agrees that Unity is the resolution of all problems, and that a Sense Of Separation is the primary agitation that causes acting out and repression. When we feel One with ourselves everything feel fine. Agitation is an absence of this feeling of Oneness/everything is fine. We then diagnose this agitation and prescribe for it which only posits it as real and somehow fixable. ‘Diagnosis and prescription’ is the thought form of a mechanic, not of a healer. Healers look for cause, not changes in the effect.

Healing The Sense Of Separation Bu if we are NOT separate from God, as it is an impossibility, what is the TRUE Source of

the sense of separation which is the source of the agitation the desire for the cure of which leads us into all forms of neurotic behavior?

How to Listen in the Healing Way “A number of spiritual teachings tell us to let go of fear and desire. But those spiritual practices are

usually unsuccessful. They haven’t gone to the root of the dysfunction. Fear, greed, and desire for power are not the ultimate causal factors. Trying to become a good or better human being sounds like a commendable and high-minded thing to do, yet it is an endeavor you cannot ultimately succeed in unless there is a shift in consciousness. This is because it is still part of the same dysfunction, a more subtle and rarified form of self-enhancement, of desire for more and a strengthening of one’s conceptual identity, one’s self-image. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness.” Eckhart Tolle—A New Earth

“And We will not change the state of a people until they change what is in their hearts” ~ Qur‘an

If you want to be a real healer you must listen with intelligence, resolution and devotion to learning. If you think you know what’s wrong before your client has told you, it’s you. It’s not just ok but imperative that you know the resolution beforehand, but its application to the patient only the patient can show you. Even if the resolution is the same, and it is (more on resolution later) the application of it to the case at hand will be determined only by the patient. To simply assume that you can diagnose, i.e. tell your patient what’s wrong and what they have to do, is making a huge assumption, and even if in some cases it may be true, the possibility of losing or confusing the client still exists, not to mention the opportunity to learn something new. Every case is different, even if the resolution is the same.

The resolution is always that there is no problem, only a misinterpretation of signs. As soon as the patient sees that there is no problem, the patient is healed. This requires in many cases a complete re-education, but rather than years it can be accomplished in seconds, even



5/6/2009

instantly, as soon as the patient hears of or comes within sight of the accomplished healer the paradigm shift has begun.

Learning to learn from spirit is the goal of the patient/healer relationship. Once the shift is enabled, the period of support and integration begins. This could and does require at least a few minutes and maybe even weeks, but it should not take long and the diligence of the patient is assumed given the orientation toward painlessness, health and good feeling, and the relief from the anxieties of the past.

Would that I could convey to you the vision of the healer and its power. Even Allah says in Qur‘an to the people of HIs benevolent testing, “wa maa adraka ma al haaaqah” - “and what will show you this reality?”

Please understand that by “the vision of the healer and its power” I do not mean the commonly accepted “psychic” or “intuitive” self-convincing and ego-inflating diagnostic insight with which the common world is so enthralled. I’m talking about the power to heal, not to discover. This is the vision to see and know clearly that there is in reality absolutely nothing wrong and the wisdom to see how far the patient is from that realization, and the patience, love and good humor to bring him or her to the same conclusion. This is not some pat, formulaic prescription of a puja or atonement for which the rabbi charges and upon the collection and dispensation of which his livelihood depends.

The ancient adage of “Physician, Heal Thyself” applies in full here. If we as healers are not in the space of knowing, then we are still seeking and practicing, and our clients will be providing us with opportunities for advancement. In that case it is we who should be paying them.

Healing is about the reconciliation of differences.



5/6/2009

Shahada: Self Certification in Islam How to Certify Truth

We Certify Ourselves by Certifying Truth. or “As we remember God, God remembers us.” ~ Qur‘an

In Islam, self-certification is not only a possibility and a joy, but a requirement. Self

Certification brings Health and Happiness, so we are literally required to be happy. If we are not, we are not witnessing properly. And if we are witnessing properly, we will be content with Allah and His Prophet, and healing a feeling to a level of increasing improvement with which we will be well pleased, and which certainly leads to felicity in this life and the hereafter. Otherwise we will find ourselves in continuing confusion, uncertainty and chaos, and wondering why. So if this description fits you, please come study with me for even a short time, and learn the keys to successful self-mastery, contentment and happiness. When we remember Allah, Allah remembers us. We take one step, He takes ten. When we send blessings of peace and love upon the prophet pbuh, he sends them back to us. When we send blessings of peace and love to the world, the world sends back its own multiplied, as “a reward for what you have done.” We truly reap what we sow, and heaven awaits the believers.

As Muslims, we are required to teach what we know. And, as Muslims, our first knowledge is of the Unity of God and the Prophecy of Muhammad PBUH. But it behooves us to know at what level is our “knowledge” or our “knowing” of that. Our ability to teach or transmit is dependent upon the level at which we have actually internalized our knowledge (our students will “get it” to level that we get it - and maybe even more, but we won’t get that), so this knowledge is also knowledge of the method of internalization, the embodiment or realization process (hence self realization).

Ascertainment of the “level” of knowledge or embodiment is dependent upon, equivalent to and can be gauged by an embodied knowledge of the three stages of the process. It applies also to belief. Do we hear and speak of belief, do we witness belief or do we actually embody belief? Genuine transmission is a body to body experience. Total embodiment implies total acceptance. We only thoroughly believe what we have thoroughly accepted, and acceptance itself is subject to the three stages. We can think about it, we can think we got it, and we can really have it. We do not thoroughly believe what we do not feel or see embodied.

Accomplishment is based upon thoroughness of knowledge. It is impossible to create something without knowing how creation is accomplished. Since this is one of the knowledges included in the Science of Knowledge, it is often referred to as the Science of Accomplishment, or “How Things Get Done”.

Knowledge of the three stages of learning constitutes the Science of Certainty. These three stages are expressed in Arabic as ‘Ilmul Yaqin, ‘Ainul Yaqin and Haqqul Yaqin.



5/6/2009

Without a third level knowledge of this science it is impossible to ascertain or honestly evaluate your level of knowledge of any subject or science, and that’s why this science is often referred to as the science of knowledge itself.

Certain Knowledge, Certain Vision, Certain Truth Manifestation - Haqq ul Yaqin: The certainty of Truth is the manifestation or the bringing

of the certain vision into reality.

Envisioning - ‘Ain ul Yaqin: A certain vision is bound to come into reality. All that is realized has been envisioned first, and that after having been thought of or imagined.

Knowledge - ‘Ilm ul Yaqin: Knowledge of this certainty constitutes the teaching of it -hence the hearing of it, hence the certainty of its reality realizing itself upon the seekers of it.

The certification system, or the science of certainty or certitude, begins with hearing about it. The first step to any learning process is hearing about it. In the Sufi way, the learning process of self certification or certainty begins with hearing about it, this is the hearing of the knowledge that there is a way to certainty, a way to certify, a way to be certain. This way leads one out of doubt and despair of resolution of difficulty. This is a universally available understanding and has been expressed also in the Sanskrit, but for the sake of Sufism will be expressed in Arabic. The Arabic expression for the step of hearing about the science of knowledge is “‘Ilmul Yaqin”. It means the science of certainty, or the certain science. It implies its own existence and the existence of what it implies, i.e. certainty itself and the certainty of the science or knowledge leading to certainty.

As the discovery of, the knowing about or hearing about a science, realizing its existence, is the first step toward mastery of it or anything, ‘Ilm ul Yaqin, the hearing of the existence of such a science is the first step. So the science is defined and advertised by its title “The Science or Knowledge of Certainty”. Defining certainty we come upon the ability to certify, or ascertain as to the veracity or validity of a knowledge or reality.

Surrender Works! Ali Ansari is a practitioner of spiritual healing in the tradition of the ancient masters. His

study and research includes Macrobiotics, Homeopathy, Sufism, Zen and Ayurveda. He currently resides in Carbondale, Illinois and is available for phone consultations at 618-698-8001, Email [email protected] or visit his website @ www.surrenderworks.com

mailto:[email protected]

http://www.surrenderworks.com/

Healing Children Through Healing Parents · hating her long enough to ... self-accepted punishment...

Documents

Transcript of Healing Children Through Healing Parents · hating her long enough to ... self-accepted punishment...