Have A New Teenager by Friday

by: Dr. Kevin Leman

Have A New Teenager by Friday

by: Dr. Kevin Leman

FCMS/Teens & In-BetweensMarch 2012

FCMS/Teens & In-BetweensMarch 2012

He/She used to be normal. What

happened?

He/She used to be normal. What

happened? He eats cereal out of a large mixing bowl.

Her bedroom looks like a garbage dump...on a good day.

If there were an Academy Award for eye-rolling, he’d win.

She changes outfits three times before breakfast.

He eats cereal out of a large mixing bowl.

Her bedroom looks like a garbage dump...on a good day.

If there were an Academy Award for eye-rolling, he’d win.

She changes outfits three times before breakfast.

Congratulations!!!Congratulations!!!

You have a tween-ager/teenager in your home!!!

You have a tween-ager/teenager in your home!!!

It’s not your Grandma’s World...

It’s not your Grandma’s World...

Today’s children are growing up faster than ever before.

Issues: cutting, drugs, depression, suicide, terrorism threats, uncertain economic future, anorexia...peer pressure, hormone changes, homework, life stresses, worry about getting into college...

Today’s children are growing up faster than ever before.

Issues: cutting, drugs, depression, suicide, terrorism threats, uncertain economic future, anorexia...peer pressure, hormone changes, homework, life stresses, worry about getting into college...

If you want to have a new teenager by Friday, the rules must change - with NO warning...

If you want to have a new teenager by Friday, the rules must change - with NO warning...

p. 29 - Dr. Leman... p. 29 - Dr. Leman...

MondayMonday Points to consider... Decide: total reconstruction, partial replacement, or a little paint job

Identify your parenting style: “Whatever you want, dear”...”It’s my way or the highway”...or “Equal but different roles”

Develop a game plan.

Points to consider... Decide: total reconstruction, partial replacement, or a little paint job

Identify your parenting style: “Whatever you want, dear”...”It’s my way or the highway”...or “Equal but different roles”

Develop a game plan.

How can I help my tweenager/teenager?How can I help my

tweenager/teenager? What kind of construction work do you need?

Total reconstruction - Your teenager is telling you where to go and what he/she is going to do...

Partial replacement - Your kid has turned lazy - “forgets” to do his/her chores...

Paint job - Your kid is getting mouthy - becoming a Mister/Miss “Know-it-all.”

What kind of construction work do you need?

Total reconstruction - Your teenager is telling you where to go and what he/she is going to do...

Partial replacement - Your kid has turned lazy - “forgets” to do his/her chores...

Paint job - Your kid is getting mouthy - becoming a Mister/Miss “Know-it-all.”

Act - Don’t ReactAct - Don’t React Respect begins from the earliest of stages and builds up over years of relationship together.

Battle of the wills - 18 months and up Pick your battles so that you don’t react but act.

Reacting takes you out of the driver’s seat & flings you onto a moment by moment roller coaster.

Acting allows you to sit back, relax, say things ONCE and HOLD FIRM, and remain calmly in control - letting the chips fall where they may.

Respect begins from the earliest of stages and builds up over years of relationship together.

Battle of the wills - 18 months and up Pick your battles so that you don’t react but act.

Reacting takes you out of the driver’s seat & flings you onto a moment by moment roller coaster.

Acting allows you to sit back, relax, say things ONCE and HOLD FIRM, and remain calmly in control - letting the chips fall where they may.

So when your two-year old spouted off, how did you

respond?

So when your two-year old spouted off, how did you

respond? You said, “Oh Johnny, you shouldn’t talk that way - it’s not nice...I’m going to give you one more chance to be nice.”

Or - “Young man, you’ve just earned yourself a time-out. Get in the corner for the rest of the morning!”

Or - You turned, walked into another room, and ignored him. Later, when he wanted to play with his favorite toy, you said, “No, you can’t play with that toy today. I don’t like the way you talked to me.” (No amount of pleading changed your mind either.)

You said, “Oh Johnny, you shouldn’t talk that way - it’s not nice...I’m going to give you one more chance to be nice.”

Or - “Young man, you’ve just earned yourself a time-out. Get in the corner for the rest of the morning!”

Or - You turned, walked into another room, and ignored him. Later, when he wanted to play with his favorite toy, you said, “No, you can’t play with that toy today. I don’t like the way you talked to me.” (No amount of pleading changed your mind either.)

Which scene played out over and over in your

house?

Which scene played out over and over in your

house? Your child didn’t morph overnight into this alien teenage creature...guess where he had help from?

How we’ve acted as parents and how we’ve run our homes has everything to do with the person our teenagers are now!

Your child didn’t morph overnight into this alien teenage creature...guess where he had help from?

How we’ve acted as parents and how we’ve run our homes has everything to do with the person our teenagers are now!

What kind of parent are you?

What kind of parent are you?

Whatever you want, dear...” (Permissive) Anything goes...few guidelines/boundaries...no one feels safe

These parents want their kids to be happy...Per Dr. Leman, ”An unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.”

When was the last time in your life your were happy 24/7?

Life -curveballs...reality Teenagers don’t need another friend...they need a parent...

Whatever you want, dear...” (Permissive) Anything goes...few guidelines/boundaries...no one feels safe

These parents want their kids to be happy...Per Dr. Leman, ”An unhappy teenager is a healthy teenager.”

When was the last time in your life your were happy 24/7?

Life -curveballs...reality Teenagers don’t need another friend...they need a parent...

Patterns are ingrained after many years...work hard to combat them...

Patterns are ingrained after many years...work hard to combat them... Change starts with you and your own willingness to turn things around.

RELATIONSHIP is key... Respect is a two-way street... Watch your own “tude.” Disciple - not discipline...car keys

Change starts with you and your own willingness to turn things around.

RELATIONSHIP is key... Respect is a two-way street... Watch your own “tude.” Disciple - not discipline...car keys

My Way or the Highway - Authoritarian

My Way or the Highway - Authoritarian

“Do what I say because you have to, and I won’t have it any other way.”

This will be met with outright rebellion...

These parents often come from strict, traditional roots ...were not allowed to have a say in their own homes when they were growing up.

May possibly need to control others to feel good about themselves.

“Do what I say because you have to, and I won’t have it any other way.”

This will be met with outright rebellion...

These parents often come from strict, traditional roots ...were not allowed to have a say in their own homes when they were growing up.

May possibly need to control others to feel good about themselves.

Often authoritarian parents struggle with anger issues - their families tend to walk a tightrope, hoping not to upset Dad/Mom.

Home -encouragement... Authoritarian - do not need just a paint job - they need some “foundational work!”

Must completely change the way they think and act toward their teenagers...don’t try to control - encourage and partner.

Often authoritarian parents struggle with anger issues - their families tend to walk a tightrope, hoping not to upset Dad/Mom.

Home -encouragement... Authoritarian - do not need just a paint job - they need some “foundational work!”

Must completely change the way they think and act toward their teenagers...don’t try to control - encourage and partner.

Either extreme - permissive or

authoritarian is dangerous...

Either extreme - permissive or

authoritarian is dangerous... If you’re a “whatever” parent -

begin by respecting yourself enough to stand up for yourself - say NO and stick to it.

“My way or highway...” realize that you are not better than your child - you have a different role - think before you speak - encourage/nurture...

If you’re a “whatever” parent - begin by respecting yourself enough to stand up for yourself - say NO and stick to it.

“My way or highway...” realize that you are not better than your child - you have a different role - think before you speak - encourage/nurture...

Hot topics...Angry teen

Hot topics...Angry teen

p. 128 - Jason Don’t let his/her anger build up...

Balloon - breaths of air Let him/her talk - (We need to keep our mouths shut - just listen!)

Empower...

p. 128 - Jason Don’t let his/her anger build up...

Balloon - breaths of air Let him/her talk - (We need to keep our mouths shut - just listen!)

Empower...

Doesn’t fit in with peers...

Doesn’t fit in with peers...

p. 174 - Jimmy p. 174 - Jimmy

Slamming doors...Slamming doors...

p. 176 - p. 176 -

It’s all about relationships...It’s all about

relationships... Live...laugh...love...

Your teenager will eventually grow up to be someone in whom you can have a deep, meaningful conversation with...

Hang in there!

Live...laugh...love...

Your teenager will eventually grow up to be someone in whom you can have a deep, meaningful conversation with...

Hang in there!