HAL DOWN THE HALL

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

Hal Down the Hall

Half hour multicamera sitcom

Characters

Hal - 55, aggravating, obnoxious, but not really a bad guy

once you get to know him

Jess - 23, thin, attractive, confrontational

Joe - 25, doesnt take things seriously, easy to get along

with, somewhat unintelligent, has a bit of the LA surfer boy

personality type

Sally - 50, tough, doesnt take crap from anyone, but can

also be friendly, and occasionally shows her vulnerable side

Carlos - 25, South American, almost never smiles, serious

demeanor, not sociable or friendly, quiet--but in an

intimidating kind of way

Jackie - 23, cheerful, pleasant, outgoing

INT. JESSS APARTMENT - DAY

JESS (23, thin, attractive) is watching TV in a small,

somewhat messy apartment. The doorbell rings. Jess turns off

the TV walks to the door, and looks in the peephole. She

opens the door to reveal HAL (55).

HAL

Hi.

JESS

(hostile, unfriendly)

... Seriously?

HAL

Um. Lets try that one more time.

Im gonna say "hi." And then youre

gonna say...

JESS

Bye.

She closes the door. The doorbell rings again, and she opens

the door.

HAL

OK. That was a little better. But

lets try it one more time. Im

(MORE)

2.

HAL (contd)gonna say "hi." And then youre

gonna say...

JESS

How did you get into the building?

He walks in, and Jess closes the door. Hal examines the

room.

HAL

Well. This is a nice place.

JESS

What do you want from me?

HAL

Nothing. Im just saying. This is a

nice place.

JESS

Whats your point?

HAL

My point is... as far as places go,

this one is nice. Its a little

messy, though.

JESS

Well. Youll have to excuse the

mess. I didnt expect you to show

up like this, unannounced after

eight years.

HAL

Yeah. Well. ... So, youre really

a, you know... a grown up.

JESS

Yeah. I vote, I pay taxes, I use

tampons.

HAL

Um. I heard that you got a job at

Neiman Marcus.

JESS

Yes.

HAL

So what do you do there?

3.

JESS

... I work there. What time is it?

Hal looks at his watch.

HAL

1:00.

JESS

You should get going. Youre gonna

be late.

HAL

For what?

JESS

I dont know--just make something

up.

HAL

Um. I think you got the whole "fake

excuse" thing backwards. If youre

trying to avoid someone, youre not

supposed to tell him to make the

excuse. Otherwise, it might sound

fake to him.

JESS

I want it to sound fake.

HAL

... So. At your job at Neiman

Marcus, where you work, what kind

of job do you have?

JESS

Well. Its a job where you go to

work, and you work, and then you

leave work, and then the next day,

you work.

He spots a picture of her with the Dalai Lama.

HAL

Is that the Dalai Lama?

JESS

No. Thats his stunt double, Rusty.

HAL

(looks at the picture, and

then looks back at Jess)

... You look awfully thin. Have you

been eating enough? You know, I

(MORE)

4.

HAL (contd)have a half pack of M&Ms in my car.

I can get it.

JESS

(annoyed)

Uggh.

She takes out a cigarettes, puts one in her lips, and starts

reaching for a lighter.

HAL

Since when do you smoke? How long

have you been smoking?

JESS

I dont know. Three years.

HAL

How come no one told me about your

smoking?

JESS

Hm. Thats a good question. How

come my absent father doesnt know

anything about me?

HAL

I am not your absent father. I was

present for the first 15 years.

And, um, I paid child support the

next four.

JESS

Does that mean I should call you

daddy?

HAL

Well--whatever you want to call me,

the point is that I dont want you

to smoke.

JESS

You dont want me to smoke? You

work for a tobacco company!

HAL

But my company doesnt make

cigarettes for people like you.

JESS

People like me?

5.

HAL

Girls shouldnt smoke!

JESS

Im not a girl. Im a woman. A

grown up. Remember the taxes and

tampons?

HAL

Youre only 22.

JESS

Im only 24.

HAL

Honey--you know Im not good at

math.

JESS

Knowing your daughters age isnt

math. By the way--its my birthday

today.

HAL

Oh. Happy birthday, honey. I, uh,

got you some M&Ms.

JESS

What the hell are you talking

about?! My birthday was four months

ago! You dont know my age, or my

birthday!

HAL

... Honey. What you just did is

called entrapment. Its illegal.

JESS

Im not 24. Im 23! Uggh! You just

walked in here, and youve already

been wrong about my age twice. How

is that even possible?!

HAL

Well. Maybe its because youre

using female math, and Im using

male math.

JESS

What?

6.

HAL

You see, honey--male math is

consistent, while female math keeps

changing, until it confuses the

hell out of me. Now will you please

put out that cigarette?

JESS

Says the man who makes cigarettes.

HAL

My company makes cigarettes for

grown men. Men who drink beer at a

bar after they work as a lumberjack

for ten hours. Men who ride horses

and lasso cows. Men who eat a pound

of bacon before they go to

bed. Theyre the ones who should be

smoking. Not my 23 year old

daughter.

JESS

Will you please stop playing the

role of my father the anti-smoking

activist?

HAL

OK. Well. I guess you want me

to butt out. ... By the way, thats

a cigarette pun. Butt out.

I thought Id lighten the mood with

some smoking humor. Or, as we in

the industry like to call it, a

"smokey-jokey."

Jess smokes her cigarette and stares at him.

HAL

OK. Ill butt out.

JESS

Great.

He looks in the bathroom, and sees some aftershave.

HAL

Is that aftershave?

He spots something in the bedroom. He takes a few steps

towards the bedroom.

7.

HAL

Are those boxer shorts?

No response.

He spots some more boxer shorts

HAL

Theres another pair. And another.

Thats three. Three pairs of boxer

shorts.

JESS

Well. Apparently, youre not that

bad at math, as long as it doesnt

involve my birthday.

HAL

Whose underwear is that?

JESS

My boyfriends.

HAL

Youre living with your boyfriend?

JESS

No. I just like how his underwear

matches the color of my floor.

HAL

How come no one told me you were

living with your boyfriend? How

long have you been seeing him?

JESS

Butt out! And get out! Go back to

your life in Chicago.

HAL

Oh. That reminds me. Ive got some

good news. ... I just moved to LA.

JESS

What?

HAL

I got a job here with my old

company, LD Tobacco.

JESS

What was wrong with your job in

Chicago?

8.

HAL

Well. My parking spot was way too

far from my office. Furthermore, I

got fired.

JESS

There are plenty of jobs in

Chicago. Go find one.

HAL

Jess. Listen. I moved here for two

reasons. One--for my job. And

two--for you.

JESS

I doubt that.

HAL

I can prove it.

He holds up a key. He walks to the front door, opens it, and

takes a couple of steps out.

HAL

Follow me.

She closes the door on him. He knocks, and she opens the

door.

HAL

OK. Lets try that again. Follow

me.

JESS

Where?

HAL

Just follow me.

She rolls her eyes, puts on her shoes, and leaves with Hal.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Hal leads her a few apartments down, and uses his key to

open the door. It reveals an empty apartment.

JESS

What the hell is this?

HAL

Its my apartment. Notice how

theres no underwear on the floor.

(MORE)

9.

HAL (contd)

Im, uh, moving in at 2. So. What

do you have to say about that?

She starts walking out.

He follows her.

She walks back to her apartment while Hal follows her.

INT. JESSS APARTMENT - DAY

JESS

What do you want from me?

HAL

I dont want anything. Were just

hanging out. Father and daughter.

JESS

Im 24--not 23. Thats the third

time youve been wrong about my

age. Youre not my father.

HAL

Fine. Were just hanging out. Me,

Mr. Hal Johnson, and you, Miss Jess

Johnson.

JOE (25) walks in.

HAL

And him, Mr. Jockey Shorts.

JESS

(to Joe)

Hi, honey. Um. This is

my... biological father, Hal

Johnson. Hal--this is my boyfriend

Joe.

HAL

Well. If it isnt Joe. Or Joey boy,

as some like to call him. Ive

heard so much about you, Joseph.

JOE

Really?

10.

HAL

Well. I havent heard that much

about you. But Ive seen so much of

your underwear lying around my 24

year old daughters apartment.

JOE

(to Jess)

I thought you were 23.

HAL

Well, Jospehus--that depends on

whether youre using female math or

male math.

JOE

Um. Is that like Spanish, where

some words are "la," and other ones

are "el?"

HAL

Let me ask you something, Joe Joe.

Have you ever heard of a hamper?

JOE

Um. Yeah. Actually, I work at Crate

and Barrel. I sell hampers--I just

dont really use them.

HAL

Well Joe, I guess we have a lot in

common. You sell hampers, and you

dont use them. I sell cigarettes,

and I dont smoke them.

JOE

Well--we dont have that much in

common. I mean, hampers dont give

you lung cancer.

HAL

(to Jess)

Great, Jess. Youre living with the

Surgeon General of Crate and

Barrel.

JESS

(to Joe)

Joe--can I talk to you for a second

in the bedroom?

11.

HAL

You mean the male bedroom or the

female bedroom?

JESS

We only have one bedroom.

HAL

You should have two bedrooms--and

each one should be in a different

country.

JESS

(to Joe)

Joe. Get in the bedroom.

HAL

Joe. Pick up your underwear.

They walk into the bedroom and shut the door.

INT. JESSS APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

JOE

So. Uh. Whats he doing here?

JESS

Oh. Hes just visiting, and moving

in to our building today at 2:00. I

havent seem him since I was 15,

and now he thinks hes my father.

And he rented the apartment down

the hall.

JOE

Down the hall? What is

this--Everybody Loves Raymond?

He starts picking up his underwear.

JESS

What are you doing?

JOE

Im just picking up my underwear.

JESS

Drop your underwear right now!

He drops the underwear.

12.

JESS

This is not Everybody Loves

Raymond.

JOE

Right. Its more like Make Room For

Daddy.

JESS

No. Its Make No Room for Not My

Daddy.

JOE

Um. Isnt that a double negative?

HAL (O.S.)

(yelling from the other room)

Pick up your underwear, Joe!

Joe looks confused. He looks at his underwear.

JESS

Dont pick up any underwear.

JOE

Well--what should we do now?

JESS

I was kind of hoping you would

know.

JOE

Why would I know that? I have a

normal father, and I dont even

know how to deal with him half the

time.

She opens a drawer, grabs three pairs of his underwear and

throws them on the floor.

JOE

What are you doing?

JESS

Im decorating. Your underwear

matches the color of this floor.

JOE

Um. Maybe if we just hang out here

for another five minutes, hell

leave.

13.

HAL (O.S.)

Oh Joey boy! You better not be

putting the moves on my

daughter--or else Im gonna break

down this door and put a crate up

your barrel.

JOE

(to Jess)

Or we can call the police.

JESS

Or we can call my mother.

JOE

Whoa. Lets not get carried away,

Jess. Your mother will beat his ass

the way the cops beat Rodney King.

Jess dials a number on her phone.

JESS

(into phone)

(casually)

Mom. You know that guy you used to

be married to? ... Yeah--hes in my

apartment, counting Joes

underwear. ... Uh huh. ...

Yeah--and hes also moving in to

the apartment down the hall from

me. ... OK.

She gets off of the phone.

JESS

(to Joe)

Shell be here any minute now, with

her baseball bat.

JOE

Great.

HAL (O.S.)

You better not be proposing to my

daughter either, Joe-hosaphat.

Jess--if he gets on one knee, just

punch him in the face!

Jess grabs three pairs of Joes underwear off of the ground,

and opens the door.

14.

JESS

(to Hal)

Dont worry. Joes not gonna

propose until hes sure the baby is

his.

She throws the underwear into the kitchen.

HAL

What?!

JOE

Shes kidding. The babys not mine.

HAL

What?!

JOE

I mean--the baby is mine. I

mean--there is no baby, and its

not mine.

JESS

Isnt that a double negative?

Hal looks inside their bedroom, and then in the kitchen.

HAL

It looks like Joes underwear is

multiplying. It went from three to

six.

JESS

(to Joe)

Mr. Johnson is learning math by

counting your underwear.

JOE

Oh.

(to Hal)

Its easier if you use flash cards.

HAL

Listen, Joe. If you want to keep

seeing my daughter, you better move

out of here, and you better get her

to smoke less and eat more.

(to Jess)

And if you want to keep dating Joe,

he better pick up his underwear,

move out, and get a job that pays

more than hamper salesman.

15.

JESS

You dont get to lecture me or him

about anything--whether its

smoking, or money, or underwear

management.

HAL

Listen, Jess. You want to know why

Im telling you to stop smoking?

JESS

Because youre a hypocrite, and a

butt-in er.

HAL

Because Im trying to be your

father, instead of Mr. Johnson.

JOE

(to Jess and Hal)

Um. This seems like a pretty

personal conversation. Maybe I

should, like, go.

JESS

No. You shouldnt go. You should

butt in.

JOE

Butt in?

JESS

You butt in.

(to Hal)

You butt out.

HAL

So Im moving in at 2. I got

furniture coming in. How about you

and Joe help me decorate? You know.

Tell me where to put my sofa and my

underwear.

JESS

How about you put your underwear in

Chicago, and then you go join it?

JOE

Jess. You know. If your father...

JESS

My what?!

16.

JOE

I mean, if Mr. Johnson is gonna

move in down the hall, we might as

well just try to get along with him

a little.

JESS

OK. Great suggestion, Joe. Now

heres my suggestion to you. Butt

out!

JOE

I thought you wanted me to butt in?

JESS

I wanted you to butt in because I

thought you were gonna take my

side.

JOE

I am taking your side!

JESS

No youre not. Youre taking his

side.

JOE

How am I taking his side? Hes the

one who told you to punch me in the

the face!

JESS

Maybe I should punch you in the

face!

JOE

Now youre the one whos taking his

side.

JESS

No. Im gonna punch you in the face

for taking his side.

The doorbell rings.

HAL

OK. And thats the end of round

one. Both fighters, go back to your

corners.

JESS

Were not fighting each other.

Were fighting you.

17.

Jess opens the door, and reveals SALLY (55) holding a

baseball bat.

JOE

(to Jess)

I think round two just started.

HAL

(to Sally)

Uh. Hi.

SALLY

What the hell are you doing here?

HAL

Lets try this again. Im gonna say

"hi," and youre gonna say...

SALLY

Hi. What the hell are you doing

here, asshole?

HAL

... Im good. And how are you?

SALLY

Homicidal.

HAL

Great. Have you met Joe?

Jess takes out another cigarette and lights it.

HAL

(to Sally)

You know, shes been smoking for

three years.

SALLY

You know, youve been a schmuck for

55 years.

HAL

... Joe--are you gonna let her talk

to me like that?

Joe looks confused.

SALLY

(to Hal and Joe)

Well. I see the two of you have

met.

18.

HAL

Oh yeah. Me and ol Joe Joe Joey

boy.

SALLY

Well, Joe. What do you think of my

ex-husband the schmuck?

HAL

Objection. Referring to me as "the

schmuck" is an attempt to sway the

witness.

SALLY

Hes not a witness yet. I still

havent committed the homicide!

HAL

Jess--will you please tell Mark

McGwire to put down the bat and

stop taking steroids?

JOE

You know, this seems like a

personal matter, and I dont want

to witness a homicide--so Im just

gonna go home.

JESS

Joe--this is your home.

The doorbell rings

JESS

That must be Jackie and Carlos.

Were supposed to go bike riding

with them today.

SALLY

Go ahead. Ill stay here with Hal.

HAL

Jess--dont leave me alone with

her.

Jess opens the door to reveal JACKIE (23) and CARLOS (25,

Hispanic).

JESS

Hi.

19.

HAL

There you go, Jess. Thats a

greeting. Hi.

JESS

Jackie, Carlos--this is Hal

Johnson. Mr. Johnson, these are my

friends Jackie and Carlos.

HAL

Carlos! Feliz Navidad, amigo! Have

you met Jose?

CARLOS

Jose?

JOE

He means me.

HAL

So, Carlos and Jackie--what brings

the two of you here?

JACKIE

Well. We, um--were supposed to go

biking with Joe and Jess.

HAL

That sounds like fun. Can I come?

JACKIE

(cheerful, smiling, friendly)

Yeah. That would be great. By the

way--who are you?

HAL

Im Jesss, uh--well, according to

Jess, Im not her father.

JACKIE

I see. Well, according to Jess, Im

not her father, either.

HAL

Right. Well. We have a lot in

common.

SALLY

(to Hal)

You dont have that much in common,

Hal. According to Jesss mother,

youre a 55 year old schmuck.

20.

HAL

Sally--youre swaying another

witness. Now one more persons

gonna think Im a schmuck.

CARLOS

Two more people.

SALLY

I guess its unanimous.

HAL

I declare a mistrial.

JACKIE

(to Sally)

Um. Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

SALLY

Hi, Jackie.

JACKIE

Why are you holding a baseball bat?

JESS

Because it matches the color of Mr.

Johnsons head.

JACKIE

OK. Im gonna put two and two

together, and conclude that Mr.

Johnson is your father.

JESS

My biological father.

JACKIE

Well...

(turns to Hal)

Its so great to finally meet you,

Mr. Johnson.

HAL

Well its great to meet you too,

Jackie. Thats the first nice

greeting Ive gotten all day.

JACKIE

What brings you into town? Jess

tells me you live in Chicago.

21.

HAL

I just moved to LA to be around

Jess.

JACKIE

Oh. How wonderful. Where in LA?

HAL

Down the hall. Im moving in today.

JACKIE

Jess--this must be so exciting for

you.

JESS

It musnt.

HAL

(to Jackie)

I, uh, kind of surprised everyone

with my move here.

CARLOS

That explains the baseball bat.

JACKIE

(to Hal)

Well. Welcome to the neighborhood.

My apartment is three blocks from

here. And Carlos lives nearby, too.

HAL

Is Carlos your boyfriend?

JACKIE

Yeah.

HAL

And just to were clear--you dont

live with him.

JACKIE

Right.

HAL

(to Jess)

Honey--learn from your friend

Jackie. She and Carlos have a male

apartment and a female apartment.

(to Carlos)

And Carlos--what do yo do for a

living? Do you sell hampers?

22.

CARLOS

Donuts.

HAL

Excuse me?

CARLOS

I own a donut shop.

HAL

(to Joe)

Joe--learn from Carlos. Hes a

businessman.

(to Jackie)

And Jackie--what do you do?

JACKIE

I work at Neiman Marcus, with your

daughter.

JESS

Im not his daughter.

JACKIE

(to Hal)

I work at Neiman Marcus, with not-

your-daughter.

HAL

And what it is that you and

not-my-daughter do at Neiman

Marcus? I tried asking

not-my-daughter, but

not-my-daughter would not answer.

JOE

That sounds like a triple negative.

JACKIE

(to Hal)

Well. Me and Jess sell shoes.

HAL

OK. Lets see. We got

(points to Jess)

shoes,

(points to Jackie)

shoes,

(points to Carlos)

donuts,

(points to Joe)

hampers, and

(points to Sally)

(MORE)

23.

HAL (contd)homicide. Oh--and

(points to himself)

cigarettes. Thats a good mix.

JESS

Yeah. If we add an Indian Chief, we

can be the Village People. Now can

you please get out of my apartment?

JACKIE

Jess. He moved into your building.

I mean, maybe you should just kind

of, sort of, give him a little

chance.

HAL

And Sally--maybe you should put

your bat in the dugout, and piss

the steroids out of your system.

JESS

(to Jackie)

Great. Youre taking his side,

too--just like Joe.

JOE

I never took his side. No ones

taking his side.

CARLOS

(stares at Hal)

Especially not me.

HAL

Jess. For what its worth, I just

want you to know that, uh, when I

left, I left because of me--not

you. It just seemed like I didnt

belong here. I needed a fresh

start--a new life.

JESS

I know. You told me that eight

years ago.

HAL

Right. I just--Ive missed you a

lot. I wanted to call or

something--but I just couldnt pull

the trigger. I couldnt do it. I

uh, I built a wall around my life

(MORE)

24.

HAL (contd)back there. And I--I had a fiance

in Chicago, and that was my life.

But, you know, here I am now. No

more wall. So uh, if you want to,

uh--if you want to borrow some

coffee, or talk, or whatever, you

know where to find me. Ill be down

the hall. OK?

(to Joe)

And Joe--pick up your underwear.

He walks out.

SALLY

(to Jess)

Why is his underwear in your

kitchen?