Guide Unit 6

Let’s Walk In Your Shoes

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FATHERS IN MOTION

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www.FathersInMotion.com Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

A treasure is found when a son truly trusts and confides in his father.

Sure you have conversations and make small talk. As he gets older, these tend to become more superficial in nature. Often times, this is a learned response due to his adversity in disappointing you or his concern as to how you may react to what he is thinking or doing. The ritual dance and habits between the two of you, always trying to get him to do the right thing or criticizing because you want him to do better, can result in a father not being a close confidante. This is something he might not even be aware of. The norm is for fathers to be closed off from the more personal thoughts and concerns of their sons as they grow into young men.

The purpose of this module is to guide you in a process where he will confide and deeply share with you, creating a treasured, trusted and lasting bond for life.

~Lao Tzu

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OBJECTIVE

There are many different types of conversation. The treasured few are where a son confides in his father in real issues, concerns and thoughts. The ability to create the trust and environment where these types of conversations are fostered and are able to take place, requires a developed skill that we will help you with in this module.

Men have a way of thinking – it’s called ‘solving the problem’. That is what we do! It is this ability to focus on the outcome or problem that makes us so good at what we do. Unfortunately it is also the same skill that often alienates sharing by our sons. If your son or anyone else has an ‘issue’ or problem, men generally approach it as follows: (i) give me a summarized version of the facts (ii) then, this is the solution to how you solve the problem. Our Two-Step solution framework is how we get ahead and remove problems. While this may work for the problem itself, it does not spawn into a level of discussion and trust that lie at the heart of being a true confidante. Just ask any woman!

We achieve this in a process where we ensure the Conditions are built for trusted sharing first, then we take Steps in a manner where you actively listen to sharing their thoughts. Delay the first trigger response of rushing straight to the solution, your traditional end goal. Finally, we share examples with you of how you both open and then follow through on such a conversation.

The objective is to actively listen and for your son to feel he can come to you with any issue and that you will “Walk In His Shoes”. For both the problem at hand and where he is in time and space - he needs to see you not only as his father, but as someone he can trust and confide in to help him work his way through life‘s issues.

I have heard “I am his father, I do not need to be his best friend”. Agreed! This is about being more than a friend and expanding your son’s understanding of his inner self.

Let me explain.

By focusing on ‘fixing problems’ as the first route of action in your toolkit, it misses the growth process of intimately working through issues with you. A son has three levels of self knowledge.

Level One: What he knows and shares with others

Level Two: What he knows and keeps to himself

Level Three: That which he does not know or see

Level three is the gateway to self-knowledge and mastery. For example he may have a habit of

“He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted”

~ Lao Tzu

being slightly rude without intention by not being aware of his body language. Despite bringing it up to him in the past, he does not see the flaw in his behavior. However, he continually reaps the consequence. For example, people do not easily or willingly help or befriend him. In this example, the lack of co-operation issue really stems from a deeper cause of a barrier initially created by his body language of which he is not explicitly aware. By working through issues with him in a guided way, we open the door to self mastery so that he can see that frequent issues in his life are symptoms of a very different cause.

So the process has several benefits that flow for your son, beyond that of a friend:

First, by sharing and having questions raised. This assists him in gaining clarity on issues. By surfacing the various alternatives and options together on a non-emotional level, and identifying the consequences and likely outcomes, it will build his ability to make good decisions.

Secondly, by the loop of his disclosure and our coaching and feedback, his world view will expand and he begins to understand an insight to Level Three above, removing his blinkers of limited thinking. This is where he begins learning about himself and possibilities on a whole new level – expanding his self-knowledge about himself.

Lastly, you are building a skill-set of active listening that you can use in other areas of your life, including business, and consequentially passing on these skills to him through modeling.

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OBJECTIVE

There are many different types of conversation. The treasured few are where a son confides in his father in real issues, concerns and thoughts. The ability to create the trust and environment where these types of conversations are fostered and are able to take place, requires a developed skill that we will help you with in this module.

Men have a way of thinking – it’s called ‘solving the problem’. That is what we do! It is this ability to focus on the outcome or problem that makes us so good at what we do. Unfortunately it is also the same skill that often alienates sharing by our sons. If your son or anyone else has an ‘issue’ or problem, men generally approach it as follows: (i) give me a summarized version of the facts (ii) then, this is the solution to how you solve the problem. Our Two-Step solution framework is how we get ahead and remove problems. While this may work for the problem itself, it does not spawn into a level of discussion and trust that lie at the heart of being a true confidante. Just ask any woman!

We achieve this in a process where we ensure the Conditions are built for trusted sharing first, then we take Steps in a manner where you actively listen to sharing their thoughts. Delay the first trigger response of rushing straight to the solution, your traditional end goal. Finally, we share examples with you of how you both open and then follow through on such a conversation.

The objective is to actively listen and for your son to feel he can come to you with any issue and that you will “Walk In His Shoes”. For both the problem at hand and where he is in time and space - he needs to see you not only as his father, but as someone he can trust and confide in to help him work his way through life‘s issues.

I have heard “I am his father, I do not need to be his best friend”. Agreed! This is about being more than a friend and expanding your son’s understanding of his inner self.

Let me explain.

By focusing on ‘fixing problems’ as the first route of action in your toolkit, it misses the growth process of intimately working through issues with you. A son has three levels of self knowledge.

Level One: What he knows and shares with others

Level Two: What he knows and keeps to himself

Level Three: That which he does not know or see

Level three is the gateway to self-knowledge and mastery. For example he may have a habit of


being slightly rude without intention by not being aware of his body language. Despite bringing it up to him in the past, he does not see the flaw in his behavior. However, he continually reaps the consequence. For example, people do not easily or willingly help or befriend him. In this example, the lack of co-operation issue really stems from a deeper cause of a barrier initially created by his body language of which he is not explicitly aware. By working through issues with him in a guided way, we open the door to self mastery so that he can see that frequent issues in his life are symptoms of a very different cause.

So the process has several benefits that flow for your son, beyond that of a friend:

First, by sharing and having questions raised. This assists him in gaining clarity on issues. By surfacing the various alternatives and options together on a non-emotional level, and identifying the consequences and likely outcomes, it will build his ability to make good decisions.

Secondly, by the loop of his disclosure and our coaching and feedback, his world view will expand and he begins to understand an insight to Level Three above, removing his blinkers of limited thinking. This is where he begins learning about himself and possibilities on a whole new level – expanding his self-knowledge about himself.

Lastly, you are building a skill-set of active listening that you can use in other areas of your life, including business, and consequentially passing on these skills to him through modeling.

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CONDITIONS

This module is about you, Dad, learning to actively listen to your son. When your son feels like he can trust you in an unreserved way, that you are on his side and sharing his process, he will learn to confide in you. This means less of the automatic “Dad response” of solving problems (with often a little criticism thrown in for good measure), but of looking at how he really feels. It’s about gaining a true sense of a problem and then working through it with him and allowing him to find the answer with you. You are his Father and not his best friend, but certainly you want to be a Dad with whom he will closely confide and share.

The steps we follow are in the following section. But for these to work, the ideal environment should be created over time, under the right conditions. If these do not currently exist, an awareness and concerted effort on your behavior as we move forward will start to establish these.

The Three Conditions are:

1) Mutual RespectHe must respect and trust you enough that he would confide in you. This comes from your behavior as a man and as a father; that you have walked your talk, including how you have spoken to him over time.

2) ConfidentialityWhat he says to you, that you will treat with ultimate confidence.

3) AcceptanceYou are there for him, without judgment. Your first interest is not in lecturing him or solving the issue, but first and foremost simply in being there for him. You defer judgment of the issue and how this reflects on him. As you love him unconditionally, you will help him work through issues, regardless of what they are. This is easier said than done!

“Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”

~Bill Cosby

FATHERS IN MOTION

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“A Dad is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.”

~Anonymous

“If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.”

~Anonymous

"It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"

~A.A. Milne from Winnie-the-Pooh

“A Father is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

~Anonymous

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STEPS

At the risk of repetition, this module is about you, Dad, learning to actively listen to your Son. When a son feels like he can trust you, that you are on his side and sharing his process, he will learn to open up more and more. It is a gradual process.

First things first. The right environment must be created and the conditions must be in place for him to confide in you. Being by yourselves is important, so try create regular time when the two of you can spend time with each other, alone. I have found that creating a time, or habit, when you and your son just go for a simple walk, works incredibly well. In this manner, you can practice the four steps of active listening without him feeling ‘processed’ in any way.

Son, I feel like going to walk, I would really like you to join me….

The Four Steps are:

1. Accept2. Listen3. Understand4. Guide

“You know, father’s just have a way of putting everything together.”

~Erika Cosby

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This is not only when there are issues to solve but for everyday discussion – when your son is excited, discussing life’s opportunities and just a way of truly learning to hear the other person and connect at a deeper level.

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ACCEPT: Suspend judgment or criticism Not looking for solution You are there for him only

Creates a safe space for him to share By sharing he is not facing potential personal criticism

LISTEN: Focus on how he is feeling Seeking to understand Hold back internal thoughts or building a response – just listen Limited words and positive body language Be very sensitive to actually what he is both saying in content, and how he is saying it to identify his feelings associated with the issue

UNDERSTAND: Ask questions to clarify issues Ask questions so he can try see the deeper issue and create self-awareness Thought provoking questions surface often deeper drivers (cause) of what he sees as the issue (symptom)

GUIDE: Respond to both the content and to how you perceive he is feeling about the issue Avoid instruction (words of “should”, “must”) but speak from your experience when facing a similar challenge Avoid rushing to the one solution with reasons, layout several alternatives for him to consider with consequences

Changes the usual one directional solution response dynamic Sees you as a mentor in surfacing issues, deeply thinking through issues, identifying alternatives and consequences Move into role of mentor rather than solution provider where he runs the risk of how you are judging him

”There will always be a struggle between a father and a son, while one aims for power and the other for independence.”

~Samuel Johnson

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ACCEPT

YOU SEPARATE ISSUES FROM HIM AS A PERSON AND DEFER JUDGEMENT. YOU ARE THERE UNCONDITIONALLY TO SUPPORT HIM IN HIS THINKING AND DEVELOPMENT, NOT TO JUDGE OR LECTURE HIM OR EVEN SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS. YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM, WITH HIS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.

Pay attention and give him your undivided attention

Look at him

Let your body language and gestures show that you are engaged and listening with full concentration

Nod or smile if appropriate, ensure your facial expression, body language and posture is open and inviting. Even when you hear things you do not like, do not allow facial expressions or body language to convey your disagreement or discomfort as he will infer this as judgment and immediately bring it back to a superficial discussion

Don’t allow distracting thoughts but be completely focused on him

Accept that his statements, views and conclusions are absolutely true for him, regardless if you disagree at this stage

A judgmental facial expression, body language, comment or judgmental language of any sort (regardless of how small or subtle) will shut down open dialogue and close him off to meaningful communication. Without awareness of the notion, he will become mentally defensive, withdraw and change the topic as he has received verbal or non-verbal cue’s that he is in an unsafe environment to share his thoughts. Judgmental language is a subliminal flag that you need to avoid comments such as “you must/should /have to” or similar expressions that translate with absolute value

Encourage him to speak freely, including expressing his feelings (even if at first you disagree or feel discomfort with the particular emotion). Other than with subtle cue’s of encouragement, let him speak and express freely and avoid the two major killers (i) do not interrupt him with your thoughts, always allow him to finish (ii) do not introduce sarcasm or inappropriate humor

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LISTEN

ACTIVE LISTENING MEANS YOU FOCUS FIRST ON FEELINGS, THEN SECOND ON THE ISSUE

YOU DO NOT SOLVE, YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT AND YOU LET HIM TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS HE NEEDS TO SHARE

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO HIM, DO NOT MAKE HUMOROUS OR DISTRACTING COMMENTS, REMEMBER THIS IS HIS TIME

Watch and be attentive to his choice of words, body language and tone of voice to gain perspective on how he is feeling

Encourage him to talk with small verbal comments such as “Yes”, “OK”, “I see” or “uh huh”

Do not interrupt, use inappropriate humor or offer advice of any kind at this stage

Do not make small comments or questions to change subject or trajectory of his sharing

Do not start thinking of a rebuttal, or anything you do not agree with, or the solution to the problem

Your key here is to speak as little as possible. You may use small cues to encourage him to talk, but be sure you are absolutely listening with undivided attention to ensure he feels like he is in a safe environment where you are not making the judge.

Active listening is a model for respect, empathy and understanding. In this phase, you encourage and gain information. You may not say the following yet your small comments and body language shows your Son that:

• I take you seriously• I hear you• I will deliberately listen to what you are saying, with intent• I respect and understand how you are feeling about this• I understand that this is important to you• I want to hear this and am not focused on changing you or immediately solving the

issue. Let me hear you out, there is no rush• I respect your ability to explain this without me interrupting• I respect this is important for you so will not make funny or distracting comments or

change the topic until we have dealt with this to your satisfaction• I respect your ability to solve problems

“Nothing has any power over me other than that which I give it through conscious thought.”

~Anthony Robbins

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UNDERSTAND

ASK LIMITED QUESTIONS TO CLARIFY YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE ISSUE IF REQUIRED.

IF APPROPRIATE, ASK LIMITED THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTIONS WHERE HE CREATES DEEPER SELF-AWARENESS IF THERE IS AN UNDERLYING CAUSE TO WHICH OFTEN THE ISSUE IS ONLY A SYMPTOM, AND MAY JUST BE HIS PERSPECTIVE OF THE ISSUE

Before asking a question, tell him why you are asking the question or why you do not have clarity on this point. This will prevent him from becoming defensive and offer him insight as to why you are asking the question (and understand your train of thought).

In order for him to share, he should feel safe and not defensive. Avoid questions that

• Interrogate• Embarrass• Pre-emptively lead the discussion towards your own bias or conclusion• Have advice or judgment inherent in the question or likely answer

Thought provoking questions are designed for him to explore the issue from a different perspective, not to provide your conclusion

• “…about a year ago, a similar thing happened with you and Peter, why do you think this has happened again…”

• “If what you say occurs, what is the worst thing that will happen to you”•“…this event seems to have been caused by Peter’s behavior in front of your friends, is

there something happening in Peter’s life or home that could have caused his outburst…”

Keep the number of questions limited

Your tone and body language should show that you care and put forth with an effort to understand rather than that of a judging parent

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GUIDE

THE STRENGTH IS NOT TELLING HIM THE SOLUTION, BUT PROVIDING HIM INSIGHT WITH WHICH HE CAN DRAW HIS OWN CONCLUSIONS AND OWN THE OUTCOME

Speak from your own experience, use “I” statements, trying to draw parallels from when you came across similar events and how they played out both in terms of decisions made and consequences.

“… I have not met Peter but when I was at school, there was this bully called John. What he used to do…… then one day, I decided I had enough and …….the outcome of that was I learned two lessons. I was not aware that his parents were in the middle of a huge angry divorce so maybe pity or empathy would have been a better response. But more importantly I learned that regardless of his actions, which I could not control, I did realize that I could control the amount of MY mind space I was letting him take up and purposefully took this large noise in my mind that was related to him and put it in a small mental box in my mind. Once I decided that I would control how much mind space he would occupy of mine, not him. I felt a lot more at ease. His 10 minutes at school in the corridor would not take up 4 hours of my worrying. The next thing I did…….”

Be specific and clear in what you are trying to share or the point you want to make

Be brief so the story does not dilute the message

Provide various short scenario’s for him to consider and present the major consequences of each

Respond to the content and feelings that you saw him expressing

Avoid instructional language like “should” or “must”

Old:- “….you must do [solution]….

New:- “ …of the various alternatives, what do you think will be the outcome if you chose [solution]……’

“In dreams begins reponsibility.”

~W. Yates

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PRACTICALLY STARTING THIS PROCESS

As you recall, there are the right Conditions (respect, confidentiality and acceptance) and then four Steps in the process of active listening.

Start:Son, I feel like going for a walk (sitting on the patio etc), I would really like you to join me… [he must not feel there are guidelines or he is being processed but that it is a light activity or discussion]

Model and plant the seedsIf he is not use to confiding in you, then you may have to model the process and plant the seeds in order for the conditions to exist for you to share. So the first or second time, the role may be reversed and it may be you who is sharing:

I just wanted to chat about [this issue at work, saving for retirement, health concerns, your aspiration or challenge] and get your perspective. I respect your insight and have respected the way you are able to keep confidential things between us [by stating these, he will then start to sub-consciously offer these and begin to expect them in return, your new ritual will start to plant seeds]. Next, go through your issue and share how the issue makes you feel. Try to elicit his sense of alternatives. You are going through a role reversal of the process and planting the seeds of the conditions and modeling opening up to him.

Ongoing:Son, I feel like going to walk. I sense that you have an issue around [what you have observed lately] and I’d be happy to spend a few moments chatting about it. Tell me about it ….and use the four steps in active listening.

ENJOY!

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FOR ME:

What would be the ideal environment for the two of us that would be natural where we can spend alone time together (a walk, a hobby, adequate driving time, patio) in which this will take place for us?

How do I consider the current conditions between us considering Respect, Confidentiality and Acceptance, and what can I do to role model and foster these better in the future?

For the initial process, what could I share from my side that is important to me that I keep close to myself, that I could share with him to initiate the process? In order to be trusted, I must first trust.

What are a few areas that would help him to open up and for me to play the role of confidante?

Where else in my life and what other relationships would benefit by me truly slowing down and hearing what the other person has to say, leading to increased appreciation of the quality of that relationship?

“All things are difficult before they are easy.”

~ John Norley

FATHERS IN MOTION

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Some Fathers demand Sons not to take a certain road.

I wish to be a father who listens and guides my son on his chosen road, to assist him in avoiding potholes and whisper to him to take a rest when he is tired on that road should he have an accident.

Guide Unit 6

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Transcript of Guide Unit 6