Guide to Survive Stupid

8/14/2019 Guide to Survive Stupid

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Guide to Survive StupidityPatrick Lendon Green

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." Elbert Hubbard

So I was sitting down at my computer, it was that ubiquitous three oclock in the

morning, and I just had this crazy idea. Now before I go into the idea I should explain its

origins. First off I was listening to George Clinton and the Parliament Funk, enough saidthere. Next it has been well over a year in a half since seeing any of my friends. And

need I remind you that it was at three oclock in the morning. Or really I should say it is,

because Im writing still in the process of writing it, during this point of clarity andinsanity.

But really all insanity begins in the early hours of the morning. When the

people who have been up since who knows when, and the people who are not yet

truly up wander the earth. This of course has been referred to by many well meaningpeople who have never seen the light of day as the zombie hour (the author doesnt

actually know any well meaning people). This is the time that if you care for your

sanity, the only place you can possibly be is in a bed somewhere, preferably with amember of whatever sex you prefer next to you. And as an aside, I would like to hope

that for all that read this, they find themselves in the before mentioned circumstances

regularly.And if you made it to this point of this diatribe, I wonder for your own sanity. As

I was explaining the reasons for my insanity, and not your own questionable sanity, I shall

continue, to your eventual woe. I have spent most of the night sitting reading several web

comics. Most, as all good comics should, making fun of and destroying stupid people.

Of course I share this very correct thought process. Do I believe that a person needs to beaware of whats going on in the world to be smart? No, by no means no (and a HELL

NO for good measure). In fact I believe that some of those people who useknowledge of current events to validate their own intelligence should be the first shot.

And finally we come to my idea. For those people who have a firm grasp of

their own intelligence, I hope you will find this piece of literature useful. I will attemptto place down proper etiquette and uses for the mass of stupid people you may run into

on your journey through life. I will attempt to cover how to identify a moron, idiot, ass,

imbecile, etc. Other things I will cover are how much beating one of these miscreantsshould receive for what they say or do. I will also touch on possible uses of said

imbecile. I will also set out to point out a few sites that the more intelligent person may

enjoy online that realize the word people should be used as a curse word (hence everytime I use the word I will be putting it into quotation marks).

For legal reasons, just to cover my ass should a stupid person actually read this, I

must point out that some of things suggested herein are highly illegal. And unless youre

a politician, rich enough to leave the country quickly, or willing to serve time in prison,and hence becoming someones bitch, do not take my words seriously. In fact if you

were going to do that, stop reading this. I mean it, put down the printout, put down the


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book, close the window (on your computer silly, ask a smart friend), and ask for help.

Trust me; you are a special kind of stupid if you take me seriously.

As Im writing this Im still not sure what format this should be in. Do I write abook, but then I have to publish it. Maybe an essay, but then whats the point of skating

through high school. Possibly putting it down as a very forceful blog, but then I have to

post it on several sites to get it read. Though I do know Im all for the free internet, and Ireally dont want to charge for this at all. Cause then it might become a fad, and it might

come into the hands of a stupid person. And no one wants that. Well Ill just write and

figure it out when Im done.

Step One: Identification

Okay first off is to identify possible drains on society. I would like to point outthat there can be some mistakes made. Such as, a person who is crazy is not necessarily

stupid. In fact, they may be very intelligent; theyve just dealt with to many people for

their own good. Another possible mistake is a person who is normally rather intelligent

but makes a boneheaded mistake. It happens to the best of us, and more often the worstof us. Reasons vary for this event. Sleep deprivation is a common cause, as is repetitive

tasks. But the most common reason is overexposure with the stupider side of the humanrace. Later in this monstrosity I will go over areas to avoid and how to survive them if

you are forced to find yourself there. The last most common reason for stupidity among

the intelligent mostly afflicts males. This of course being hormones, or our libido.

Males, and by this I mean guys not men (refer to Dave Barrys Guide to Guys forclarification), are the most likely to sink into this temporary stupidity.

There are also many types of stupidity. Knowing them all is not necessary to a

better life, but most likely youve already witnessed many of them: especially if you haveever turned on the television, or surfed the net. I will list some of the types here and can

even tell you the things you should really fear about them. Itll be like a demented

animal planet nature show. And here we see the alpha dimwit mark his territory by

placing his high school letterman jacket over the bimbos shoulders. Trust me it should

only cause a few people to need therapy. And hey without causing emotional scars

what fun is it?We will start our journey through that which is hell on earth by meeting an idiot

not regularly seen by the public, the military moron. Trust me they exist, and in this case

at least natural selection can be more common. The most common nitwit spoken of in the

military circles is the one that throws the pin. Yes, I mean they throw the pin, andcontinue to hold the grenade, the live grenade. Trust me folks there is reason claymore

mines are labeled Front Towards Enemy. I will tell a true personal story just to prove

it.I served in the Marine Corps as a combat photographer, so I know crazy people.

All Marines after boot camp go through combat training. Depending on your future job

depends on what course you go through. I went through the non-grunt (grunt meaninginfantry) course. Within my platoon, thankfully not my fire team or even my squad, was

a Marine who must have been led by his boot straps throughout life.

Anyway, the company was doing a live-fire (real bullets) exercise. The range was

set up pretty simply, we move around an area acting like were on patrol, weapons safed


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and unloaded. When we reach the actual firing portion of the exercise we come on line (a

line where were all facing the same direction), load our weapons, and prepare to fire and

maneuver down the range. Some basic rules for this are that there is no flagging(pointing the weapon at with no intention of doing so) of the line, when someone anyone

calls cease fire you cease fire and put your weapon on safe, and of course dont shoot any

wildlife you happen to see (we were supposed to be a nature reserve). All very basicrules of common sense, safety stuff to keep us all alive. So in a matter of twenty minutes

all before mentioned rules were violated. Thankfully, they were not all by the same

person. The Marine that shot the deer just hadnt seen it, not stupid just bad luck for thedeer. But cease fire was called, and one man ignored it, he then was accosted by an

instructor. At this point he did the dumbest mistake you can do on a live fire range. He

flagged the line with an unsafe, loaded weapon. If you need to see an example of this

watch Heartbreak Ridge, good film Clint Eastwood might have made a good Marine,where a man on the range turns and fires several rounds along the dirt behind other

members of his platoon. Fortunately for the Marine in question (and everyone around

him), he never fired any rounds when he flagged the line

This is but one example, from just one guy (he has more, some that still piss meoff), of military stupidity. If you know someone in, or who was in, the military, ask them

all about the simpletons they ran across during their time. If you dont understand theacronyms they use, dont worry sometimes they dont know either. Just do what we all

learned in boot, go with the flow.

The next stop on what could only be a misery journey is a very simple stop. It is

an exhibit of moronity. It has made several intelligent well thought out shows move oreven be canceled entirely. Its a mar on society that has unfortunately created spin-offs of

the original. It needs to be destroyed and all its satanic (no offense to Satan worshipers,

Im sure some of you are intelligent people) children. And of course I am speaking ofnone other than American Idol. I need to burn my hands just for typing those words

together. But worse than the show is the people who watch it religiously. And in

reality I think the people who thought of it were geniuses, evil geniuses, but stillgeniuses. I mean they found a product that the American idiot (pun slightly intended)

would eat up. And one that would torture the rest of us.,

Now, I have to hit on the religious nuts. Im talking to you Jesus Freaks, anyonewho thinks a Jihad is a good idea, and pretty much any other radical religious nut out

there. Though I must not leave out the people that pick up a religion because they want

to get under someones skin, or to live out some fantasy, these people are a drain on

that religion and the world in general. Plus they are the ones that are more likely tobecome the radical nuts. Before anyone goes into religious rant of wrath and hate, I must

state that yes I believe that Jesus is my savior but that I do not go well with any church or

religion. Maybe its all the people, but I dont do well. I will not force my faith onanyone else and will be the first to laugh at a good Jesus joke. You know how the rest of

this spiel goes, yada, yada I respect all religionsblah. Anyway, I actually think anyone

who will force their beliefs on someone else is in all regards nuts and stupid. That prettymuch wraps up the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses. If you want to bring people to

your religion, try a pancake breakfast, not door to door marketing. If religion comes up

in the conversation, say because Mel Gibsons Passion of the Christ was in someones

DVD collection fine, not bringing the movie to a friends house along with the Left


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Behind series. Ok so you can really hear me going off against the Christian religions,

only because you write what you know and my Torah and Koran studies are a little bit

rough. But Im sure they have similar problems, I mean their people.Now since were hitting the nuts who believe in something, we just have to go

political next. There is nothing stupid about being aware and even possibly active in the

political system. The problem of stupidity comes up when you start believing insomething with out really knowing what it is. Or getting behind a candidate because their

running for your party. You were born with a brain, use it. If you pick one news source

to get all your news in todays day and age, you are most decidedly a raving, stumblingposter child of the lobotomized. I almost hate to say it, but it seems the best source of

non biased information now seems to be the comedians. They are the most impartial

anchors Ive seen on television or the web. Theyre impartial only because they try to

make fun out of everybody. If thats what it takes to be impartial, wait that is actually agood idea. Actually I have found the best way to find impartiality for your nations

politics is find another nations news thats covering your political situation. They really

dont care, and it makes politics seem so funny looking. If youre American I suggest the

BBC news programs. (When this was written this was still a good idea, being before the2008 election, now even BBC seems biased)

Now for the final group of ignots (this group is so special I have to create a newword for them). And this can include anyone, at any time, in any store. Yes, if you are a

consumer you have the capability of becoming an ignot (I really like this word; its just

fun to say). If you think this unfair, to most people, think again. I realize most of you

are normal and intelligent. But when anyone walks into a store, or even visits one online,they change, their intelligence is sapped. Weve all done it, you may not even realize

youve done it, but you have. Does that mean if youre in a store you are automatically

an ignot? No, it just means that there is higher risk of being stupid. Dont get me wrongclerks and sales representatives can be equally dummifying (yes another made up word,

you have to love that poetic license crap), but thats a whole other level. And really the

two categories could just be put down to over contamination. I tend to believe that thesales clerk tend to know something about what their selling, at least I hope they do.

And of course there are many other varieties of imbeciles. I wont go into them

now, mainly because I have the feeling I should move on before I piss off everyone. Butthen again theyre just people.

Step two: Punishment

I would like to say that if you are luckless enough to find yourself accosted by one

of the many nincompoops this world has to offer, it is your privilege, right, and even your

duty to exterminate the person from the gene pool and any spawn they may have alreadysqueezed out; this is illegal in most nations. And for some reason it is even frowned

upon. Though I must state that the Darwin Awards are a step in the right direction, the

next step might possibly be of course helping these people out of the pool. Now I didnot say a quick way out on purpose. Each ignotosy should probably deserve its own

special punishment.

Now I really dont think Ill be going too in depth into possible punishments for

all possible crimes of stupidity. Mainly because each is like a snowflake, theirs too many


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of them for me to try and categorize them. At least not in my current sleep deprived state.

I may eventually put out a revised version where I add all sorts of categories. But, I like

to think this is being read by some one who has some common sense and a littlecreativity. Thats all you really need to create a decent punishment. And if you lack

creativity there are several web comics out there that can point you in the right direction.

But because I was hit with a muse of stupidity this evening I will give one idea ofa possible punishment. The event of stupidity that occurred was that a female friend of

mine was in a more seedy part of town walking to an appointment, when a man (see

libido comments earlier) pulled along side her and propositioned her as a woman of thestreets (to use an euphemism, weeding out the idiots all the time). I must say she handled

it very well, and all she did was say two words. Well one word really, but she said it

twice in a very demanding tone, just WHAT? I of course was on the phone with her at

the time and thought of several things I could have done to the said man in the car; mostnoticeably, to test whether his windshield was shatter-proof, with his forehead. Of course

I soon thought of other things I could have done to shatter his small brain. The most

cruel I can think of in my current state is, using my best stereotypical gay male voice, to

tell him that it was my night off and that if he really wanted to try me he should try backtomorrow night. I can almost see his confused face, and his brain exploding. Who says

only females can play mind games?

Step Three: Possible Uses

Well unfortunately I can actually think of several things an intelligent person mayuse a stupid person for. Just to start, you can always use one as a human shield. I have

heard they are also good for good meaningless sex. If you have a really talkative one we

can always use them as an interrogation technique. I would say that they would create aacceptable substitute for water-boarding, but I think if it was left to intelligent people

water-boarding wouldnt be an issue. Before you go all crazy lynch mob on me for that

you must realize, that I also think most atrocities, wars, and civil actions would have beeneliminated if the intelligent actually ran the world. This is a short step. I probably would

have used up more page space if I had done a list, but hey lists are for people who can

think straight.

Step Four: Possible Intelligent Media

Unfortunately Im hesitant to actually put anyone down until I actually contactthem and kindly ask their permission to use their creation as validation that there really

are smart people out there. But for now keep hope, we are not a dying breed. And Im

done for now. There will be revisions eventually. People,I need a drink.

Guide to Survive Stupid

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