Great Pieces of ARSE

8/14/2019 Great Pieces of ARSE

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Contents

Business Is Murder by doctorwoo

Meat & Veg by TANK

Legalise Canada by jimbob70

Artist's Remote Control (Unsung Artist) by NoFrillsart

Weird noises by caanan

Internet Lust is Sin by Chanel2

The ascent of Homer by Atomikboy

The Marlborough Lisa by Cathie Tranent

Pull My Finger by Danny Nolan

True Romance by Chanel2

School Holidays by Chanel2 So Sad But True by Adrian Something

Stealing The Light In Their Eyes by Scott Robinson

Bert and Ernie Zombies by KillerNapkins

Indeterminacy 334 (A Valentine's Carol) by

Indeterminacy

The Real thing.... by Scott Robinson

The enchanted wood. by Danny Nolan

Various by Chris White

On Procrastination Of Domestic Duties by Brynn

A Greener Australia by LAWFORD

Edgar Allen Pooh by Danny Nolan

MacGyver To The Rescue.. by Brad Hutchings

Well Played Gladys by thetatecreative

Breasts Are Mind Control Devices by Randy Monteith

For a Moment I tought we were in a Shopping Twolley

by STRINGER

In Clowns We Trust by Atomikboy

Octavius: Captain of the Guard by Randy Montieth

How to write poetry on Red Bubble by Danny Nolan

The A.R.S.E Group



Business Is Murder

by doctorwoo Category Art



Meat & Veg

by TANK category ART



Legalise Canada

by jimbob70 Category Clothing



Artist's Remote Control (Unsung Artist)

by NoFrillsArt Category Art



Weird noisesby caanan category Clothing



Internet Lust is Sin

by Chanel2 Category Writing

Bone crunching

Pelvic thrusting

Writing full of

People lusting

Moons are high

As lovers sigh

Tender touching

Aching thighs

Naked chests

Sweetly caressed

Love juice floods

The internet

I need a break

From all this sin!

Um…I’ll just go put the

Washer on spin…



The ascent of Homer

by Atomikboy category Art



The Marlborough Lisaby Cathie Tranent category Clothing



Pull My Finger

by Danny Nolan Category Writing

“Pull my finger” said dad

“No” replied the son

“Go on , it’s a surprise”

“Dad, I’m thirteen. It isn’t even funny anymore”

“Go on, humour your old man”

“NO”

“Come on for your dear old dad’s sake. It’s been brewin’ for a while”

The son knew he would never get to fully enjoy the television show

he was watching unless he complied with this age old ritual.

The son took his father’s finger and in a moment of

cheekiness decided to push instead of pull.

The last thing the son remembers of his father was

the look of shock and pain seconds before he exploded.



True Romance

by Chanel2 Category writing

I love my husband dearly

He truly is my heart

But when it comes to romance

He falls down at the start

His best flirtatious efforts

Has him dancing all about

Mick Jagger form of strutting

With his thingies hanging out

Often when the time has come

To end a busy day

Kids are tucked up in their beds

The washings put away

To change in my pyjamas

Is a chore to say the least

Then from my corner eye



Will come, this crazy dancing beast!

A candle by the bathtub

Soft music, glass of wine

A flower that’s been handpicked

Could have me feeling fine

It’s surely not much effort

And he really needs to know

Will get him more attention

Than his dancing willy show



School Holidays

by Chanel Category Clothing



So Sad But True

by Adrian Something Category Clothing



Stealing The Light In Their Eyes

by Scott Robinson Category Clothing



Bert and Ernie Zombiesby KillerNapkins Category Art



Indeterminacy 334 (A Valentine's Carol)

by Indeterminacy Category Writing

It was Valentine’s Day. I brought down the wall-bed and there she was.

“Who are you?” I asked the girl prone on her back wearing a mini skirt and casual

black boots.

“I am the ghost of girlfriends past,” she moaned at me the way a ghost would.

“How delightful to see you,” I told her, showing her my undivided interest – as I was

indeed delighted to see her – or all of them, even if the relationships hadn’t lasted all

that long. I began to recognize Miriam’s eyes, Simone’s thighs and Katherine’s arm

resting demurely below the tautly covered breasts that I knew were Tricia’s and Tina’srespectively.

She offered me Vickie’s hand and I grasped it in mine. Instantly we were out on the

town, on a conglomerate of first dates. But it went terribly wrong in a faux pas flurry

of slurped soup and stepped on feet and overstepped bounds followed by slaps to my

face, and the odd kick below the belt. I returned limping to my room, having lost

them all in one night. There on the bed lay another girl.

“I am the spirit of girlfriends present,” she stated less eerily, because she wasn’t

dead.

I recognized all three of my current flirts in one body, which was kind of a touchy

situation, as they weren’t supposed to know about each other. She sprang up and

glared at me with Georgia’s fiery eyes and clawed at me with Lina’s razor-like

fingernails and spat at me with Vera’s venomous mouth. It was all I could do to toss

the three of them back onto the bed and close it into the wall before she could lunge

at me again. She would have scratched my eyes out, I’m sure, and swallowed them for

breakfast.

After a long quiet I deemed it safe to open the bed again. “I am the imagination of

girlfriends yet to be,” announced the dark-haired beauty, her suggestive voice melting

the icy fear of the previous visitation. I looked into her eyes and saw a collage of girls

I’d had my eye on or stalked. She stared a beaconing gaze at me, then curled up on

the bed, as if awaiting my advance. But she began to snigger as I approached, then to

laugh outright, louder and fiercer. The love in her eyes turned to wicked mirth the

nearer I came, and the laugh full of wrath. I pounced onto the bed to claim her kiss

but found my mouth full of chicken feathers spurting from the mattress. After my

coughing settled I noticed she was gone, and a note left on the pillow: “I’m leaving

you, retroactively.”But the day was still young. I went to the store to buy a new set of Valentine cards.



The Real thing....

by Scott Robinson Category Clothing



The enchanted wood. Category Writing

by

E. Ned Blyton-Society

Aka Danny Nolan

“Dash it and a blow it” huffed Jane “That silly book has fallen again”

The big book of Fairies that Jane was reading had slipped from the carrying basket and

plopped itself between her and Johns seats.

"Now I’m going to get my knees dirty."

Jane crouched down and rescued her book from under the seat.

John noticed the man opposite bend forward paying Jane’s activity a bit too much

attention. Ever since they entered this compartment he had had his hands in his

trouser pockets and shaking something in them.

“Um.. Jane get up please. I think our stop is next” he said. “Got it,” Jane exclaimed.

A look of disappointment overcame the man’s features and he went back to playing inhis pockets.

It was their first trip alone to Aunt May’s house. Usually Mother and Daddy came as

well but Daddy hadn’t been home for some time now and Mother didn’t wake up until

lunchtime these days and never really changed out of her dressing gown.

Though Aunt May was fun and let them do things Mother and Daddy wouldn’t their

favourite reason for their summer holidays was to return to the enchanted wood.

When they arrived at Puffington Station, Aunt May had arranged for a cab to collect

them. The cab driver was a scruffy but happy man who asked John to sit in the front

seat with him and was kind enough to ask John what he thought of his magazines that

he kept in the glove box.

There were just picture books of big muscled men.

”How do like those apples son?” the cabby asked.



“Very firm and ripe” John answered not really knowing what the man was talking

about.

When the children arrived at Aunt Mays the driver said to John if he wanted he could

show him a way to save Aunt May the cab fare.

John was too excited to be at their destination that he smiled and ran inside.

There to meet them were cousins Dick and Joan. “Oh it is so good to be back

again”But instead of happy talk and hugs Dick and Joan both wore long faces.

“Oh Jane and John it so terrible what they have done. We’re so glad you have come”

Said Joan.

“What’s wrong? What’s happened?” asked John and Jane together.

“The enchanted wood” began Dick “It’s all gone”

“No” exclaimed both John and Jane. “How?”

“The council have bulldozed the wood and the little people are lost” cried Joan.



“We must go investigate” said John.

The children ran through the field that ran along the back of Aunt Mays house and

jumped the brook. There in front of them where the lush trees and heavy ferns of the

enchanted wood once stood was a construction crew building a stadium and huge car

park. Together the four of them approached a large man with a hard hat on.

“What have you done to our wood and what of the fairy people” yelled Jane

Two questions were obviously too much for this man because he replied “What?”

“Why is this happening?” cried John.

“Oh, I see” began the large man

“The wood and the insects”“Fairies” Joan corrected.

“Right, well what can I say kids. It takes a lot of money to build a stadium like this and

on week ends a lot of mum’s and dad’s wanna see their kids play, so that means a lot

of cars. Car parks can’t make themselves not like trees they pop everywhere, did you

know I’m growing one in my lounge room?”

“What about our friends the Fairy people?” sobbed Jane



“Oh, yeah . Them. Well they put up a good fight, with their itchy spells and fart

bombs, but when the guys realized that when you squash them they were made of

raspberry jam, the battle was over. They took off somewhere else”

“You horrid horrid man” said Dick “Where did they go?”

“Couldn’t give a toss, now piss off , this is a building site and I got a monster turd

poking it’s head out and your in the way of a good read on the porta-loo”

The children had no idea what the large man was talking about as he turned and

walked away leaving them sad and confused.

As the children walked slowly back to Aunt Mays a voice whispered.”Pssst Hey!”

The children stopped .

“Over here” the voice called. “It’s me”

“Ding” cried the children all together.

A small man with pointy ears, a green vest and a large hat stepped out from behind a

shrub.

“You’re alright” said Joan as she went to hug the fairy.

“But we lost so many” Ding said as he hung his head and sobbed

“Poor poor thing” comforted Jane.

The children and Ding sat in the long grass warming themselves in the summer sun,

they waited for Ding to compose himself.

“It was so horrid” Ding said eventually “But we were badly beaten, but we have

regrouped and have made a decision” But the children just looked back at him with

blank expressions, he continued anyway. “We will bring forth the bad majik, we have

gathered the witches and asked for and paid dearly for their services. We will regain

what is ours at any cost”

By now Ding was hopping up and down ,while Jane and Joan were making daisy chainsand Dick was taking a nap.



Ding continued

“Beware my little friends, remove yourselves from the zone only fire, brimstones and

nashing of teeth await those who stay” and with that he twirled three times quickly

and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“I’m hungry” said Dick

“Me too” said the others and they went back home for dinner.

That night an explosion of devastating ferocity blew half the town of Puffington apart

including the new stadium and its surrounds. At first it was thought to be the work of

Al Quida operatives working out of the south of England but this was discounted when

no signs of detonation were found and large amounts of Raspberry jam were

discovered all over the blast site.

The children spent the rest of their summer holidaying at Brighton.



Various

by Chris White category Art



On Procrastination Of Domestic Duties

by Brynn Category Writing

I see you watching me; yon mottled dust,

Feathery filth, but clean you I must.

Oh how much I do thee loathe;

For all yon shelves do thee clothe.

Thou poorly sight of beggar’s chaff,

Thy unknown home of such rif raf.

From depths of scum thou dost appear;

To cloak all things both far and near.

Enthusiasm thus I lack;

or more than thee I loathe the act.

Such a bore time surely waste,

Yet here I sit in no great haste.



Must I fight thee in a duel?

Surrender now yon grimy fool!

Washed already I have this day,

Foe I’d rather stay that way.

The point alas I cannot see;

Omniscient you’ll always be.

Crawling, creeping, floating down,

Here to haunt me and surround.

So as I sit and curse at thee,

More time passes and I see.

For not my effervescent woe,

I could have finished long ago



A Greener Australia by LAWFORDCategory Writing

Water Saving Tips.

We should all only shower every third day – then no one willnotice as we all start to pong up together. But we must ALL start next Monday OK? Have a crap at work so that the water you are double flushingis not being paid for by you. (The double flushing is requiredbecause some bright spark decided that by reducing the water

in the toilet cistern from 10 or 11 liters to 7 that it would savewater. Only trouble is it won’t flush the floaties away –because there is not enough water to do it – and you have toflush twice. So you now use 14 liters to do the job) Drink beerif you need to re hydrate. There’s less water in a stubby ofbeer than there is in a 750ml bottle of water that costs moreanyway.Build another pipeline from Melbourne to theGoulburn Valley. This is a new one to take all of Melbourne’s

grey water to them. It’s only fair. We’re taking their cleanwater.

Ban/Stop using Plastic Bags.

It is much better to collect your groceries in a paper bag andhave the bottom drop out of it as you are halfway up thestairs.The plastic bag you carelessly discard will end up in the

sea and choke a dolphin. Don’t worry about the rottingvegetable peels and waste that no longer get put into plasticbags and buried in land fill. We will all be dead from variousdiseases carried by filthy flies within 5 years anyway so wewon’t have to be concerned with buried plastic bags in theearth for the next 6 hundred years.What’s wrong with land fillanyway? Is there something wrong with holes in the ground?



Flatulence contributing to Green House Gasses.

Stop farting. Yes YOU. Don’t pick on the cows. Sure, theyfart. But so do you and you can control it. They can’t.

Cars.

Give up work. That way you will not need to leave the housefor 5 or 6 days a week as you do now to go to work. Then youdon’t need a car, or if you already have one you won’t needto use it except for going out to get the groceries. When yourun out of money because you are not working you won’t evenneed to use it to get the groceries.Buy as many cars as youcan and put them in storage. That way there will be fewercars out there for other people to use. You can only drive oneat a time now cant you?Buy an electric car. No pollutioncaused by you in the city where you drive. Only a little bitmore pollution added over the Power Stations every time youplug in for a recharge. But that’s Ok ‘cause you wont seeit.Use corn based fuel in your car. It’s better for clean air.There’s too much food in the world anyway.Buy a dieselpowered car. You will use less fuel to get around. Themanufacturing process of diesel fuel is less costly and takesless time so is more efficient all round. Every body saves –except you because the oil companies charges double theprice they need to and their profits increase at a better rate.Exxon Mobil made US$39.5Billion profit last year.

Have you got shares?

Population Growth.Start a war.A really big one. I don’t care how you do it, just do it. None ofthis fiddling around like Bush is doing. We need to take thepressure off the planet ’cause there are too many people on it



eating our food and using our fuel. We need to get rid of atleast a billion of them. With the population increasing by200,000+ people a day it will take a while to get back to thecurrent number and give us a bit of space.Just don’t bringyour war to my country as we don’t want it.

Recycled Paper.

Use recyled paper for everything. It stuffs up the photo copierat work, but hey, you don’t have to pay for the repairs. Yourphoto/print quality will be excellent – if you like that sepialook to your shots that is.Dunny paper. Really not worth theshit that gets on your finger when it splits as you use it. Buythe good stuff. You deserve it – then you can rub and not haveto dab.

Electrical Items.

Go to a supermarket and buy yourself the biggestmagnification glasses they have. I think 5x is the largest. Thensit really close to your regular size TV and you won’t have tobuy a 5 metre plasma screen. Better still. Turn it off and reada book printed on recycled paper.Don’t throw that oldcomputer or mobile phone away. Pull it apart yourself and getthe gold and other precious metals out of it. You might getenough to buy a cup of decaf coffee.Make some Money.Come up with a way to make yourself somemoney from the green effect.Design an organic cottonclothing range and sell it the public at twice the usual price.They’ll feel good and you’ll get rich.Build wind turbines in theback shed and stick them up on the coastline. Better views foreverybody.

But most of all. Feel good about yourself for yourcontribution. No matter how small it may be.



Edgar Allen Poeby Danny Nolan Category Clothing



MacGyver To The Rescue.....

by Brad Hutchings Category Art



Well Played Gladys

by thetatecreative Category Clothing



Breasts Are Mind Control Devices

by Randy Monteith Category Clothing



For a moment there i tought we

were in a shopping twolley!

by Ivan Stringer Category Art



In Clowns We Trust

by Atomikboy Category Art



Octavius: Captain of the Guard -

The Land of Morphoria

by Randy Monteith Catergory Art



How to write poetry on Red Bubble Category Writing

Danny Nolan

Great tips for new players

As you may have noticed all types have a go at expressingthemselves on Red Bubble.

The Photographers, illustrators, Tee Shirt designers even thecasual observers all like to contribute a verse or too. Thisguide is to help those who wish to (but haven’t yet got theconfidence) publish their poetic thoughts.

Lesson One:

Never think that you have to make sense or rhyme.

Poetry has always in its nature been vague. Lots of history’sgreatest poems are incomprehensible.Read anything by Milton, TS Elliot or even Chaucer and you’llunderstand.

Most literature has a basic principal. Start, Middle, End.

With poetry there is a more artistic licence it’s more like:Start, Forget street directory, Get lost, Abandon car and hitch home.So if you forget what you started, don’t worry, most peoplereading won’t know either.

Which bring us to our Lesson Two:

Most poetry is usually by default accepted as personal , eitherdescribing personal events or conveying the deepest emotionsof the author. Which basically means no one is going have aclue what you are writing about. So the reader willautomatically feel sympathy.Both the previous rules present problems for the average



reader. Not everyone (read as NOBODY) wants to read somesyrupy whiney clump of words and then feel embarrassedbecause they made a comment about your dead cat and youwere writing about the time your boyfriend slept with yoursister!

This is why Lesson Three is so important in relation to RedBubble

Lesson Three: Always start with a short note before the poem startsexplaining vaguely what your verse is about. This way thereader won’t feel foolish and will be able to comment on yourjournal because one the can pretend to feel empathy orpretend they understand what you are talking about.Lesson Four: Back to style. Never use one word when twelve will do.

Example:

Don’t Use: I hate you.Use: In the deepest crevices of my total beingI cannot claw out the blackness,the distaste,the utter contempt I feel for you.

Another example:Don’t use: I licked a lollipopUse: My tongueTwirled in and around The buds all ticklingMy mind unsound To the luscious likesThat I had found.

Lesson Five : Over express and /or describe everything refer Lesson Four



Lesson Six:

Emphasis. Simple rules to convey a feeling or secret thought.

Example:

Your Aim- Projecting whispering, quiet , a thought.I whispered I love you(but only for your money)

Example: Your Aim- expressing shouting , loud, anger

I screamed your name to the wind GIVE ME BACK MY TROUSERS

Lesson Seven:

If you are young—pepper everything with random swear wordsto convey any emotionExample:

Mum and Dad They hate me bad Fuck!

All I did was take the car and stack while pissed shit! How am I supposed to learn If I don’t make mistakes Bastards

Lesson Eight:

Do not ever inject comedy, parody or humour in your work.No one will get it.



All works remain copyright of individual owners.

For more information visit the artists at:

http://www.redbubble.com/people/doctorwoo

http://www.redbubble.com/people/tank

http://www.redbubble.com/people/jimbob70

http://www.redbubble.com/people/nofrillsart

http://www.redbubble.com/people/chanel2

http://www.redbubble.com/people/atomikboy

http://www.redbubble.com/people/cathiet

http://www.redbubble.com/people/danny

http://www.redbubble.com/people/thefatman

http://www.redbubble.com/people/resisto

http://www.redbubble.com/people/killernapkins

http://www.redbubble.com/people/indeterminacy

http://www.redbubble.com/people/transmute

http://www.redbubble.com/people/brynn

http://www.redbubble.com/people/lawford

http://www.redbubble.com/people/94gixxer

http://www.redbubble.com/people/thetatecreative

http://www.redbubble.com/people/snowdog

http://www.redbubble.com/people/stringer

http://www.redbubble.com/people/caanan

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