25 April 2014

Dear Grandparent of Ithaqua Nodens:

First, we at Miskatonic University would like to congratulate you for your grandchild’s recent enrollment in our institution. As you know, Ithaqua is about to enter one of the most exciting periods of her life. We’ve enclosed a packet that describes a number of ways in which grandparents can meaningfully participate in and support their grandchild’s future educational endeavors and help them make a smoother transition to Miskatonic University life. However, we at Miskatonic University have recently discovered that having a grandchild enrolled in our institution brings its own challenges for the grandparents themselves. An extensive, longitudinal study of grandparent mortality rates conducted by our institution over the years 1985-2005 revealed that the average Miskatonic University student loses 13.7 grandparents over the course of their college careers. While generations of increasingly higher divorce rates make it likely that many students will have more than the traditional four grandparents, this number is astonishingly high, and in fact represents a 250% mortality rate for grandparents of Miskatonic University students. To put it bluntly, you are not only very likely to pass away while your grandchild is enrolled in our institution, but will mostly likely die at least two to three times. We are vigorously investigating the causes of this high grandparent mortality rate, but until these causes are uncovered, we would like to suggest some strategies to help better your odds of surviving your grandchild’s educational years here at Miskatonic University.

• Move into a nursing home with full medical facilities. • Do not leave your room, ever. • Do not eat foods with bones in them. • Do not drive. • Do not get into any vehicle of any kind at any time. • Get weekly checkups. • Get biannual blood transfusions. • Correspond with all of your grandchild’s instructors every term at least twice per semester,

preferably once before midterms and once before finals. We have found these strategies to be effective in reducing grandparent mortality rates to approximately 175%; the latter is amazingly effective, bringing mortality rates down to well below the 20% range.

While we are as yet unable to explain this phenomenon, we have found it very effective and would like to encourage you, for the sake of your own future survival, to employ it rigorously. Thank you for your time. Please feel free to contact the Student Affairs Office of Miskatonic University at 666-687-6969 with any questions at any time. Your grandchild’s first semester schedule, with instructors’ names, mailing and email addresses, and phone numbers is enclosed for your convenience. Sincerely, Dr. Ward Phillips I President Miskatonic University