September 12, 2013

Just ListenHow to get through to anyone – Tips from a former FBI negotiation trainer

Mark Goulston

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Todd LewisSenior Campaign ManagerGoToAssist

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Mark GoulstonAuthorJust Listen – Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

How to Get Through to Anyone

Tips From a Former FBI Negotiation Trainer

a Webinar with Dr. Mark Goulston

September 12, 2013 11 – 12:15 PM EDT

• Who Dr. Goulston works or has worked with:

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Question:

I have never met a person whose professional and personal life would not be immediately and immeasurably improved if they became a better listener.

Do you agree?

Why you’re here.

Improve getting through to people.1

Enhance your influence.2

Better persuade and negotiate.3

Why you’re really here…1. Rightly or wrongly you are judged by your results.2. You’re interested in getting better results. 3. Achieving better results is dependent upon not only what you do, but upon what you get other people to do.4. How you motivate others to do what you’d like is directly tied to how effective you are as a communicator.

Why you’re really here…5. A big part of communication is how well you listen.6. You have enough humility to accept that you could improve your listening skills.7. Or someone has told you that you need to improve them.

That’s why you’re here.

Why am I here?

Why am I here?

Negotiator

The Persuasion Cycle™

• Why don’t THEY listen?

• Why don’t YOU listen?

• A Modem is a piece of computer hardware. It is used to communicate between distant computers. Two modems, one on each computer, are required to make a connection, and each modem can send and receive data to and from the other modem. The term modem stands for modulator - demodulator.

• Modulation is changing the digital data in the personal computer to analog data (audio tones or sounds) so that it can be sent.

• Demodulation is changing the analog data (audio tones) that is received over the telephone lines to digital data to be used by the computer.

• Pieces of data are sent from one modem to another modem at a set speed or rate. This rate is called the baud rate. One baud is one bit per second.

Mirror Neurons

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How Mirror Neurons Work

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Mirror Neurons are Involved in Learning

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Mirror Neurons are Involved in Empathy

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Mirror Neurons Dysfunction are Involved in Autism

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The Mirror Neuron Gap

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The Mirror Neuron GapWhat widens it?

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And widens it even more.

1. Winning too much.2. Add too much value.3. Passing judgment.4. Making destructive

comments.5. Starting with NO, BUT,

HOWEVER.6. Telling the world how smart

we are.

What Narrows the Mirror Neuron Gap?Core Competencies of Effective Communication

Levels of talking.4

1.Talking Over2.Talking At3.Talking To4.Talking With

And narrows it even more?Core Competencies of Effective Communication

Levels of listening.4

1.Removed Listening2.Reactive Listening3.Responsible Listening4.Receptive Listening

And narrows it even more?Core Competencies of Effective Communication

• “Do YOU Get us”: Company Awareness

• “Do YOU Get it” : Situational Awareness

• “Do YOU Get me” : Personal Awareness

And narrows it most of all…Feeling Felt

– Trying to persuade people causes resistance, because they feel you pushing your agenda on them.

– Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

– When you succeed, you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat.

– At that instant, instead of trying to get the better of each other, you “get” each other and that breakthrough can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication.

Feeling Felt Eliminates the Mirror Neuron Gap.

“Hey dad, wanna have a catch?”

“You make me want to be a better man!”

What is the sign that someone feels receptively listened to and

“feels felt?”

They exhale

And what do they do after they exhale?

They relax, and then…

They feel grateful to you.

Or may sleep with you.

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Tips for getting through

1. Talk with or at least talk to, but never talk at or over

2. Get into their listening3. Fill in the blanks4. The Impossibility Question5. The Power of Pause, “Hmmm…,” “Say more

about…” 6. Take your conversation to the ICU7. The Meeting Surprise Pop Quiz

Stress Free Negotiation• Replace “win/win” with “no lose/no lose”

Stress Free NegotiationBecome the champion and guardian of a deal or agreement where each person will:

1. Feel okay immediately afterwards2. Not be thrown under the bus by a second

guessing superior (a.k.a. either person getting fired because of it is off the table)

3. Feel it was a fair and decent agreement one month later

And Become a PAL“The purest form of listening (and probably caring) is to listen without memory or desire.”

Wilfred Bion, psychoanalyst (1897 – 1979)

•When you listen with memory, you’re listening with an old agenda that you’re trying to plug someone into; when you listen with desire, you’re listening with a new agenda that you’re trying to plug them into. In neither case are you listening to their agenda.

•To really get through to people, use Purposeful Agendaless Listening (PAL). And your purpose is listening to serve vs. listening to sell. When you do, what you trigger in others…

Dr. Mark Goulston

Bestselling author, speaker, executive coach

Today’s speaker

Other Resources

SmartBlog - “Who’s holding you hostage? Mastering Difficult Conversations – http://bit.ly/175J5PJ

http://amzn.to/15SjYD2

Also be certain to check out the sequel to “Just Listen” :

http://amzn.to/19IIN1E

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Be More Successful... Starting NOW! with Heartfelt Leadership Programs

http://heartfeltleadership.com

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Mark GoulstonAuthorwww.markgoulston.com@markgoulston

Todd LewisGoToAssistwww.gotoassist.com@gotoassist

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