Goals of Goals of Discouraged ChildrenDiscouraged Children

All misbehavior stems All misbehavior stems from discouragement from discouragement

Real or percieved threat of Real or percieved threat of loss of status, acceptance, loss of status, acceptance, belongingbelonging

Four Categories of Four Categories of Discouraged Goals Discouraged Goals

AttentionAttentionPowerPowerRevengeRevengeDisplay of inadequacyDisplay of inadequacy

Clues needed to determine goalsClues needed to determine goals

Child’s feelings and behaviorChild’s feelings and behavior Feelings and reactions of adults Feelings and reactions of adults

who interact with the childwho interact with the child Child’s responses when crticism Child’s responses when crticism

or punishment is experiencedor punishment is experienced

AttentionAttention active constructive-----------T’s petactive constructive-----------T’s pet passive constructive----------clinging vinepassive constructive----------clinging vine active distructive--------------class active distructive--------------class

clown/obstructiveclown/obstructive passive passive

distructive-------------”lazy/dependent”/shy/sdistructive-------------”lazy/dependent”/shy/scaredcared

Feelings of adult=annoyed, irritatedFeelings of adult=annoyed, irritated

Play strategies for Play strategies for Attention SeekersAttention Seekers

Ignoring when child is Ignoring when child is seeking/demanding attentionseeking/demanding attention

Giving attention when child is Giving attention when child is not seeking/demanding itnot seeking/demanding it

Interpreting (during insight Interpreting (during insight phase) phase)

PowerPower Active--power struggles involving Active--power struggles involving

arguing, fighting, defiancearguing, fighting, defiance Passive--power struggles involving Passive--power struggles involving

disobedience, forgeting, manipulating, disobedience, forgeting, manipulating, being stubborn, being laziness, being being stubborn, being laziness, being uncooperativeuncooperative

Feeling of adult=anger, challenged, Feeling of adult=anger, challenged, threatenedthreatened

Play strategies for Play strategies for children with too little powerchildren with too little power

Give all choices/control/power Give all choices/control/power at first then work at shared at first then work at shared powerpower

Take turns making rules for Take turns making rules for games played/directing roleplaygames played/directing roleplay

Limited decisionsLimited decisions

Play strategies for Play strategies for children with too much powerchildren with too much power

Egalitarian power sharing from Egalitarian power sharing from beginningbeginning

Give choices and set consequencesGive choices and set consequences Avoid taking threat/challenge to Avoid taking threat/challenge to

power personallypower personally Avoid asking “parentified children to Avoid asking “parentified children to

be too responsiblebe too responsible

Play strategies for Play strategies for children from “chaotic” familieschildren from “chaotic” families

Allow child to be in control at Allow child to be in control at beginning stage then move beginning stage then move to shared controlto shared control

Teach survival skills to childTeach survival skills to child

RevengeRevenge Active revenge--violent, malicious, Active revenge--violent, malicious,

cruel, i.e. bullies. Bed wetting, cruel, i.e. bullies. Bed wetting, soiling, and stealing prized soiling, and stealing prized possesions.possesions.

Passive revenge--moody, pouty, Passive revenge--moody, pouty, threatening, withdrawal, sabotage.threatening, withdrawal, sabotage.

Feelings of adult=hurt,angerFeelings of adult=hurt,anger

Play strategies for Play strategies for revenge seeking children revenge seeking children

Avoid taking the child’s attemps Avoid taking the child’s attemps to hurt you personallyto hurt you personally

Exercise patience and Exercise patience and consistencyconsistency

Assure that abuse is not Assure that abuse is not currently occuringcurrently occuring

Proving inadequacyProving inadequacy Active--suicideActive--suicide Passive--Not trying, giving up Passive--Not trying, giving up

easily, avoiding people/situationseasily, avoiding people/situations Feelings of Feelings of

adult=hopeless,discouarged, adult=hopeless,discouarged, helplesshelpless

Play strategies for children Play strategies for children who are proving inadequacywho are proving inadequacy

Avoid all criticism/judgementAvoid all criticism/judgement More emphasis on asset hunting More emphasis on asset hunting

(teachers/parents)(teachers/parents) Choose activities with high chance of Choose activities with high chance of

success (games of chance, i.e. shoots and success (games of chance, i.e. shoots and ladders, candyland, finger painting, sand ladders, candyland, finger painting, sand play.play.

Limit number of toys to reduce chance of Limit number of toys to reduce chance of overwhelmingoverwhelming

LifestyleLifestyle

Family atmosphereFamily atmosphereFamily constellationFamily constellationEarly recollectionsEarly recollections

Family AtmosphereFamily Atmosphere Parental attitudes toward the Parental attitudes toward the

childrenchildren Parental discipline philosophiesParental discipline philosophies Lifestyle of the parentsLifestyle of the parents Family valuesFamily values

Family AtmosphereFamily Atmosphere

Marital relationshipMarital relationship Parenting skillsParenting skills Personal problems interferring with Personal problems interferring with

ability to provide warmth, respect, ability to provide warmth, respect, and structureand structure

Family atmosphere of the parents’ Family atmosphere of the parents’ family of originfamily of origin

Typical types of Typical types of family atmospheresfamily atmospheres

Democratic Democratic RejectiveRejective AuthoritarianAuthoritarian InconsistentInconsistent PityingPitying HoplessHopless

Typical types of Typical types of family atmospheresfamily atmospheres

SuppressiveSuppressive OverprotectiveOverprotective High StandardsHigh Standards MaterialisticMaterialistic CompetitiveCompetitive DisparagingDisparaging InharmoniousInharmonious

Investigating Investigating family atmospherefamily atmosphere

Observing the child and Observing the child and the parentsthe parents

Asking questionsAsking questionsArt techniquesArt techniques

Observing the child and parentsObserving the child and parents

Child--during play session--stick with Child--during play session--stick with the metaphor, during free play and the metaphor, during free play and other unstructured times, i.e. cafeteriaother unstructured times, i.e. cafeteria

Parents during consultationParents during consultation Parents interacting with child in waiting Parents interacting with child in waiting

room, or during family session early in room, or during family session early in the counseling processthe counseling process

Asking questionsAsking questions

Lifesyle questionaire Lifesyle questionaire 3-4 questions per session is recommended3-4 questions per session is recommended Frame questions to the child metaphorically, Frame questions to the child metaphorically,

using the play situation as a base, i.e. “What using the play situation as a base, i.e. “What happens when the child doll doesn’t do what happens when the child doll doesn’t do what the mommy doll says to do? “ or “Tell me the mommy doll says to do? “ or “Tell me about the sister rabbit,” or “ Which of the about the sister rabbit,” or “ Which of the parent rabbits is the baby rabbit most like?” parent rabbits is the baby rabbit most like?”

Art techniquesArt techniques Kinetic family drawing (appendix E for Kinetic family drawing (appendix E for

questions)questions)• How does the child see others gaining How does the child see others gaining

significance?significance?• What are the interactional patterns?What are the interactional patterns?

Draw a symbol for each person in your Draw a symbol for each person in your familyfamily

Draw a symbol for the entire familyDraw a symbol for the entire family

Family constellation/birth orderFamily constellation/birth order

Psychological vs. ordinal Psychological vs. ordinal positionposition

Only, First, Second, Middle, Only, First, Second, Middle, YoungestYoungest

Divide class into groups and Divide class into groups and discuss traitsdiscuss traits

OnlyOnly relate easily to adultsrelate easily to adults independentindependent creativecreative pampered/expect others to be in their pampered/expect others to be in their

serviceservice more self focused with low social more self focused with low social

interestinterest

FirstFirst ResponsibleResponsible Achievement/leadership Achievement/leadership

orientedoriented Protective/nurturingProtective/nurturing BossyBossy Overly organized/responsibleOverly organized/responsible

Second Second Avis complex/catch Avis complex/catch

up/discouragedup/discouraged Opposite personalities from Opposite personalities from

oldestoldest Good social skillsGood social skills

MiddleMiddle Invisible/neglected/unlovedInvisible/neglected/unloved Peacekeepers/mediators/Peacekeepers/mediators/

negotiatorsnegotiators Innovative/creativeInnovative/creative RebelRebel

YoungestYoungest Charming/entertainingCharming/entertaining SpoiledSpoiled Not taken seriouslyNot taken seriously Excel at something differentExcel at something different

Investigating Investigating family constellationfamily constellation

Observation/questions/artObservation/questions/art Looking for assets and liabilitiesLooking for assets and liabilities Sibling rating scale (appendix c) Sibling rating scale (appendix c)

for parentsfor parents Kinestetic school drawingKinestetic school drawing

Early recollectionsEarly recollections Snapshot from first 6-8 years of how person Snapshot from first 6-8 years of how person

sees self, others, life, what is worth pursuing sees self, others, life, what is worth pursuing and what is likely to happenand what is likely to happen

ERs provide clues to lifestyle, mistaken ERs provide clues to lifestyle, mistaken beliefs, social interactions, and goals of beliefs, social interactions, and goals of behaviorbehavior

Event that happened only once vs. a regular Event that happened only once vs. a regular patternpattern

ERs usually not used with children under 6-7ERs usually not used with children under 6-7

Obtaining ERsObtaining ERs Before asking for ERs establish rapport, Before asking for ERs establish rapport,

and get family constellation informationand get family constellation information Tell, draw, act out using puppets 5-7 Tell, draw, act out using puppets 5-7

ERs over several sessions ERs over several sessions Write down everything the child says Write down everything the child says

about the ERabout the ER Ask child to describe feelings Ask child to describe feelings

associated to the ERassociated to the ER

Making meaning from ERsMaking meaning from ERs

Look for central themes Look for central themes Demo . Everyone writes Demo . Everyone writes

2-3ERs. Volunteer shares ERs 2-3ERs. Volunteer shares ERs and class uses questions to and class uses questions to discover central themes discover central themes

Lifestyle hypothesesLifestyle hypotheses

I am I am I must I must Others are Others are The world is The world is Life isLife is Therefore I must act as ifTherefore I must act as if Therefore my behavior must be Therefore my behavior must be

Lifestyle hypothesesLifestyle hypotheses

Share over time to help child Share over time to help child gain insightgain insight

Present as quesses using Present as quesses using metaphors, art, & metaphors, art, & interpretations of conversation interpretations of conversation and playand play

Insight phase-- Helping child Insight phase-- Helping child understand:understand:

Goals of their behaviorGoals of their behavior Their basic convictions about Their basic convictions about

themselves, others and the worldthemselves, others and the world Behaviors they use to gain Behaviors they use to gain

significance and sense of belongingsignificance and sense of belonging

Techniques for insight phase--Techniques for insight phase--

rate 1-10 ability to use these ten rate 1-10 ability to use these ten techniques--techniques--

Sharing tentative hypotheses/interpretationsSharing tentative hypotheses/interpretations Metacommunication/communication Metacommunication/communication

patterns/nonverbal communicationpatterns/nonverbal communication Reading reactions to counselor statementsReading reactions to counselor statements Role playRole play

Techniques for insight phaseTechniques for insight phase

MetaphorMetaphor Mutual story tellingMutual story telling BibliotherapyBibliotherapy Art Art Immediacy, humor, confrontationImmediacy, humor, confrontation Connecting play sessions with real Connecting play sessions with real

worldworld

Interpretation using direct and Interpretation using direct and indirect tentative hypothesesindirect tentative hypotheses

Indirect for children who are resistant or Indirect for children who are resistant or defensive about direct interpretationsdefensive about direct interpretations

Indirect interpretations use the toy,doll,role play Indirect interpretations use the toy,doll,role play character or puppet as the focus of guesses character or puppet as the focus of guesses about goals and convictions. It is importnat to about goals and convictions. It is importnat to stay with the child’s metaphor. (see p. 151) stay with the child’s metaphor. (see p. 151)

Children’s play is usually more rich than their Children’s play is usually more rich than their verbalizations for interpreting goals and verbalizations for interpreting goals and convictionsconvictions..

Metacomunication--Metacomunication--counselor interpretations of:counselor interpretations of:

Patterns in how counselor and Patterns in how counselor and child relatechild relate

Nonverbal communicationNonverbal communication Child’s reaction to counselor Child’s reaction to counselor

statements, interpretations, and statements, interpretations, and questionsquestions

Role PlayRole Play Allow repetitions of role play events Allow repetitions of role play events

when the child seems to be gaining when the child seems to be gaining insight or emotional release from theminsight or emotional release from them

After 6-8 repetitions consider changing After 6-8 repetitions consider changing the scenario by adding a character or the scenario by adding a character or changing the direction of the role play.changing the direction of the role play.

Use the whisper voice and/or character Use the whisper voice and/or character voice to suggest changes.voice to suggest changes.

MetaphorsMetaphors

Using child’s metaphorUsing child’s metaphor Designing therapuetic Designing therapuetic

metaphors for the childmetaphors for the child Mutual StorytellingMutual Storytelling BibliotherapyBibliotherapy

Using the child’s metaphorsUsing the child’s metaphors Statements and guesses are made about the Statements and guesses are made about the

thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and goals of the thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and goals of the characters in the play vs about the child.characters in the play vs about the child.• Ex. from Kottman--Lori, tying the house up--fear of Ex. from Kottman--Lori, tying the house up--fear of

divorce--”Looks like you are trying to keep the house divorce--”Looks like you are trying to keep the house from coming apart--It must be scary to the people who from coming apart--It must be scary to the people who live in the house to think the house may come apartlive in the house to think the house may come apart

Avoid breaking the metaphor--addressing the Avoid breaking the metaphor--addressing the problem directly--linking to child’s life before the problem directly--linking to child’s life before the child is ready to deal with the issue directlychild is ready to deal with the issue directly..

Designing Therapuetic Designing Therapuetic Metaphors (see p.161 for steps)Metaphors (see p.161 for steps)

Counselor develops story which is Counselor develops story which is parallel to child’s situation.parallel to child’s situation.

Characters are included that Characters are included that represent the key people in the represent the key people in the child’s life situation.child’s life situation.

The characters face problems The characters face problems similar to the child’s.similar to the child’s.

Designing Therapuetic Designing Therapuetic Metaphors (see p.161 for steps)Metaphors (see p.161 for steps) Feelings, thoughts, actions, and goals are Feelings, thoughts, actions, and goals are

attributed to the characters that match the attributed to the characters that match the child’s situationchild’s situation

After hardships the characters solve their After hardships the characters solve their problem in some healthy/constructive problem in some healthy/constructive fashsionfashsion

Below age 8 animal characters usually work Below age 8 animal characters usually work best, after age 8 people characters seem best, after age 8 people characters seem best.best.

Mutual StorytellingMutual Storytelling For children up to age 8--ask child to choose For children up to age 8--ask child to choose

puppets or animals, pretend they can talk and tell puppets or animals, pretend they can talk and tell a story with them.a story with them.

The story should not be something that really The story should not be something that really happened or from a movie, tv, book, but happened or from a movie, tv, book, but something they make up.something they make up.

The story needs a beginning, middle, and end. The story needs a beginning, middle, and end. The characters need to have a problem to solve The characters need to have a problem to solve and to find a way of solving it.and to find a way of solving it.

See questions p.165 to interpret the storySee questions p.165 to interpret the story

BibliotherapyBibliotherapy Bookfinder-American Guidance Bookfinder-American Guidance

Services-Circle Pines, MN.Services-Circle Pines, MN. Bibliotherapy catalog-Bibliotherapy catalog-

Paperbacks for Educators--Paperbacks for Educators--• 1-800-227-25911-800-227-2591

Books That Heal--Books That Heal--

ArtArt Extending Kinetic DrawingExtending Kinetic Drawing• Compare drawing at various stages Compare drawing at various stages

of counselingof counseling• Try other family/school drawings, i.e. Try other family/school drawings, i.e.

ideal, with changes child would like, ideal, with changes child would like, how they would like relationships to how they would like relationships to be with key people in their lifebe with key people in their life

CartoonsCartoons Cartoon helpers (age 8 & up)Cartoon helpers (age 8 & up)• Draw fearful, worrisome situationDraw fearful, worrisome situation

• Draw a cartoon helper who can Draw a cartoon helper who can help with the problemhelp with the problem

• Draw how the fear/worry will look Draw how the fear/worry will look when it is resolvedwhen it is resolved

Symbolic RepresentationsSymbolic Representations

Oaklanders’s rosebushOaklanders’s rosebush Members of their Members of their

family/teacher/classmates family/teacher/classmates symbolicallysymbolically

Reorientation/Reeducation--Reorientation/Reeducation--

learning and practicing new learning and practicing new ways to:ways to:

view self, others, worldview self, others, world behave in various situationsbehave in various situations relate to othersrelate to others

Style of counselor interaction Style of counselor interaction reorientation/reeducation phasereorientation/reeducation phase

More directiveMore directive Problem solving/application to outside Problem solving/application to outside

situationssituations Teaching/skill training Teaching/skill training • Social skills, sharing, negotiatingSocial skills, sharing, negotiating• Providing practice/coachingProviding practice/coaching

Review gains and prepare for terminationReview gains and prepare for termination