CrewEditors-In-ChiefCarmen Lau & Karen Wong

VP CommunicationsMichael De Santis

Publications CommissionerShahir Mishriki

ContributorsMichael ProceeJeremy KooymanNeuczki MathurinJordan StoskyMila Goroberts

Letter from the Editors

A welcoming message from our new Editor-In-Chiefs!

Frosh Week

Look here for the schedule and event descriptions!

How to Survive First-Year Engineering

Check this article out if you think you’ll need help surviving.

They’re Not Stereotypes Because They’re Wrong

An overview of typical engineering stereotypes.

How to Survive the Fall Semester - If you’re a Second Year Student

A handy guide on how to survive second year.

Mexico: The Place You Thought You Knew

Experiences from a study abroad in Mexico.

Schulich iSchool of Engineering

Newsflash on the search for the new Dean.

Pi-LFs, Ask Supercow and ERML

Random shoutouts and the answers to all your questions!

Horrorscopes

See what’s in store for your sign this month.

Actitivites & Comics Fun time!

LETTER FROM THE

EditorsHello Geers!

Welcome to a new and exciting year of engineering! We are excited to co-edit this year’s The GaG, and hope that it serves you well throughout the school semester. For those who are new, The GaG is the engineering newsletter that comes out every month to fulfill your cravings of awesomeness, including news, satire and comedy. The GaG is an acronym for “Geers are Gods”, in which “geers” is slang for “engineers”. This year, we are hoping to advocate participation within the engineering community and revive the spirit of The GaG!

We are both currently entering our third year of Mechanical Engineering and have recently returned from a month’s worth of travels in Greece and Turkey. During the past few years, we have contributed several comics to The GaG, as well as a few articles. We are extremely happy to acquire the position of editors-in-chief.

If you are interested in contributing to this monthly newsletter, feel free to contact us any time at:

gag@ess.ucalgary.ca

We are always looking for new members who can write, take photographs, edit, design layouts, draw comics, or juggle blindfolded! We promise that this year will be amazing and you should be a part of this awesomeness.

Yours Truly,

Carmen Lau & Karen Wong

The GaG is an ESS Publication. All written, photographic, and illustrative works are subject to copyright. Any unauthorized reproduction or plagarism of articles is frowned upon - kittens die when it happens.

Cover Art: Karen Wong

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GEERS ARE GODS

Contents

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It’s that time of the year again...

FROSH WEEK

Frosh Week is an epic week full of incredible activities, events, and people. Frosh Week can set the mood for your entire year, so come out and make the most of it. Be sure to purchase your Frosh Week T-shirt in the ESS office (ENE 132) for only $5.00, and check off as many events as you can! Meet some great new people, grab a cool BEvERage, and let the festivities begin!

MoNDAY SEPTEMBER 13 • Opening Ceremonies

Michael De Santis

FRoSH WEEK

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FROSH WEEK EVENTSoPENING CEREMoNY AND PARADE What better way to kick off Frosh Week than by parading through campus and pissing everyone off? You’ll sing the Engineering Song so much that you might run out of breath, but make sure you conserve enough energy for a grand finale in Scurfield Hall. Let those business students know who we are: THE ENGINEERS!

TuG - o - WAR A classic event of Frosh Week. Get as many people as you can, grab your end of the rope and pull!

CHARIoT RACES By far the messiest event of Frosh Week. Strip down to your skivvies, don the traditional wear of the competitors (black garbage bags), and mount your chariot! The path is perilous, and only the strong-stomached will survive the barrage of filth being hurdled by the crowd. Ready, set, SHoTGuN!

No EVENT This is NoT an event. That is why it is NoT listed. Regardless, you should NoT check it out, especially if you do NoT want to have a great time.

ENGG GLADIAToR The only thing missing from this event is Hulk Hogan as host. Here, engineering gladiators will enter the coliseum and compete in ridiculous events, all in the name of gladiator glory!

QuIz HEADS This event is for the more intellectually inclined. Show up, pick someone smart as your partner, and compete in trivia.

KEG oLYMPICS Even empty, kegs can still be a lot of fun. The events are: Most People on a Single Keg, Keg Walk, Tallest Free-Standing Keg Tower, and Keg Toss.

RAID THE DEN Exactly what it sounds like. An army of thirsty engineers hits The Den and attempts to drink it dry. Make sure to arrive early - it fills up fast! Also, if you arrive late, we may have already succeeded in our goal.

PoETS “Piss on Everything, Tomorrow’s Saturday”! The first PoETS of the year is always well attended, and is a great way to socialize with active students in the engineering community. Ice cold BEvERages are served, scavenger hunt items are judged and the winners of Frosh Week are determined. Then, it’s the Minotaur Run! Frosh try to navigate around the engineering building while avoiding the terrifying minotaur! Run Frosh, run!

TAP THE ToWN Hopefully you have survived the Minotaur Run, and are ready for some last shenanigans before the weekend. You’ll get on a bus, drive to an undisclosed location, and party all night. Then, all partied out and barely alive, you’ll get back onto the bus and head back. After a week like this, you will need a lot of sleep.

FROSH WEEK SCHEDULETuESDAY SEPTEMBER 14 • Tug-O-War • Quiz Heads

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 15 • Chariot Races • NO EVENT

THuRSDAY SEPTEMBER 16 • Keg Olympics • Raid the Den

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 17 • ENGG Gladiator • POETS • Tap the Town

FRoSH WEEK

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FRoSH WEEKFRoSH WEEK

HOW TO SURVIVE First-Year Engineering

Many people in their first year of engineering do not understand how first year really works. These principles will help you understand the concept better, and will provide you with tips that may be helpful. Remember that nothing works for everyone, but these tidbits certainly worked for me.

“EVERYBoDY PANIC!”— SEMI PRo

This is how engineering really works. Yes, engineering is one of the toughest undergraduate degrees; and sometimes you need to buckle up and study, but still the fear is slightly exaggerated. Every year there are a good 500 students going into second year out of the 700 original students, and around 400 getting into the programs they like. So you’ve really got a solid 70% chance of success here.

10-MINuTE RuLE

This is something that could be your best friend or your worst enemy. use it with caution. The 10-minute rule states that a student can ultimately know everything being taught in the lecture by going for the first 10 minutes of the useless lectures. Some of the lectures you will be attending are going to be useless, so if you feel it really isn’t worth your time, either go to another lecture, or go for 10 minutes to see what what you’re missing and learn it on your own.

“WHENEVER IN DouBT, MuMBLE”

This applies to exams. At times you will encounter a question where you’ve got nothing. Start writing down anything that you know about the class.

“You JuST HAVE To ACCEPT THAT SoME DAYS You ARE THE PIGEoN, AND SoME DAYS You ARE THE STATuE.” – THE oFFICE

Some weeks you will feel like you are on top of your workload, and other weeks you will be sinking into lab reports. This is normal. Expect a busy

Shahir Mishriki

2 weeks around midterms. Make a priority list of what needs to get done first, based on how much everything weighs (because sometimes you won’t have time to do everything).

“BooKS ARE uSELESS”—THE SIMPSoNS

Don’t go and buy all of your textbooks from the bookstore. Some books you will never ever use.

“AS INTELLIGENCE GoES uP, HAPPINESS GoES DoWN. SEE, I MADE A GRAPH. I MAKE A LoT oF GRAPHS.”—THE SIMPSoNS

Make sure you are maintaining balance. Remember to get involved, because that’s what makes your undergraduate degree worthwhile. Also remember that a GPA of 4.0 isn’t going to get you the job; what really matters when you go for an interview is your life experiences, and there isn’t a better place to start than here.

THEY’RE NOT Stereotypes

BECAUSE THEY’RE WRONG You’re going to find that engineers have a lot of reps around campus. Let’s face it, stereotypes never did anyone any good. Here is a list of some common ones that you may encounter; you can make a point of trying not to fall exactly in that stereotype. The bottom line is, be yourself, make friends that are like you, but don’t be afraid to come out of your shell. As a side note, the Schulich School of Engineering looks down on stereotypes, so I would like to emphasize the fact that none of these stereotypes occur at our school! Everyone who attends the university of Calgary for engineering is normal and a perfectly functional member of the student society. With that being said, here are some stereotypes that other schools may face...

THE CooL SMART KIDThis type of person boasts Versace sunglasses and new rocking hair styles. Hair will range anywhere from a full on mohawk to a more contemporary shaved side mohawk, but you won’t see these kids rocking the fohawk—it’s too amateur. These kids have a genuine lack of interest in school and engineering events. They tend to enjoy the norm: drinking and partying at clubs. The difference between a “cool smart kid” and a “cool kid” is that all the cool kids drop out after first year.

Rarity: There are a few in every class, but they won’t hang out in groups; there is always a leader.

Do you want to hang out with them? These kids will not do much for your academics

but if you are here to party, have a good time and live by the motto “C’s make degrees”, then you want these kids in your corner. Don’t confuse “smart people” for “helpful people”!

THE BIG NERD oN CAMPuSThis is the kid that was clearly beaten up in high school; he’s looking for revenge now in terms of GPA. These kids have the upper hand and if you make fun of them publicly, you just look like a tool.

Rarity: Engineering attracts them like bees to honey. At least four in every class.

Do you want to hang out with them? Yes! There should be at least one in every group—but you don’t want to be the one in a group of only their type. They can help you with practically all your assignments; just make sure you learn their name. If you call them “buddy” and only talk to them when you need help, they will catch on to your little game. They’re not idiots.

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THE EAGER BEAVERon the Engineering Students Society, Solar Decathalon team, Formula SAE and Students union, he/she will make sure that you know about all the events that are happening! Listen to this kid; some of the information they give may be pointless, but some are also very important. It’s up to you to sort the shit from the tips.

Rarity: There are hundreds of clubs on campus and at least three are in each group (usually holding high positions). You do the math—that’s why you’re here.

Do you want to hang out with them? Bless their hearts, they will try to help you, but it is not that easy for them to balance school and extracurricular activities. They are always busy, but they are always helpful! Try to be friends with all of them!

FRoSH WEEKFRoSH WEEK

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Jeremy Kooyman

There is a wealth of information out in the ‘verse that is geared towards making the transition into engineering a little more tolerable for first year students. Then once you’re done first year, everyone just assumes that your head is on straight and you’re good to go. What a horrible assumption...

Let’s get a few things straight here:

• Second year is harder than first year. I don’t care what you heard from your second cousin twice removed who attended some random engineering school.

• You’re going to make the same poor choices you did in first year. These are not mistakes but are simply part of growing up.

• Academic success does not have to come at the cost of a social life.

Now before I start spouting off advice to you, I’ll take a moment to explain why I’m so awesome uniquely qualified to do so.

My name is Jeremy and I’m entering my final year of mechanical engineering with a biomedical specialization. I have written two final exams while semi-inebriated (both A’s), I have been an ENGG week judge, I have been a Frosh week judge, and I’ve never once missed a “No Event” (except that one time I lost feeling in part of my hand, and destroyed a garbage can). I’ve been on both sides of the fence; the academic Deans List side, and the “attend every event ever” social side. A comfortable middle ground does exist.

Cue the advice spout.

1. AVoID THE ENGG LouNGE AND DARC*

First year students are annoying. They’re either lost, complaining about AMAT 217 online assignments, or wanting help with 205 homework. If you avoid the ENGG Lounge and DARC, you avoid having to put up with the majority of them. Additionally, you’ll save yourself the embarrassment of stating that you did quite well in 205, attempt to help them with their problems, and end up getting beat down by the simplest of cross-products (true story). *This does not apply when a Frosh week or

ESS activity is taking place there.

2. SELL YouR TExTBooKS.

Textbooks are a scam, straight up. Tragically, they’re necessary and you’ll probably fail if you don’t buy them. However, if you still have a shelf full of first year textbooks it’s time to get rid of them. Don’t fool yourself by thinking “oh but I might use them again!” You won’t. Everything I needed was easily found by Google, and was often presented in a more digestible format than my old textbook. Track down a first year student and sell all of your books to them. You get cold hard cash, they get cheap books.

3. GIVE AWAY YouR oLD LAB REPoRTS.

Yes, you’ve probably spent 100+ hours on your gorgeous ENGG 201 lab book but you’re never going to use it again. Give it away when you sell your books but be sure to emphasize that the purpose of a Roadmap is not to facilitate plagiarism, but to add detail and clarity to the otherwise useless laboratory manuals.

4. FIND A “WoRK GRouP.”

You either did this in first year, or you flew solo. The point is that you will not be able to survive the next three years without a close group of friends that you can depend on. Coordinate your schedules, work together on as much as you can, and help each other out. You’re going to remember more if you’re teaching someone at the same time you’re studying it. I can comfortably say that I would have failed a few courses had I not had my posterior saved a few times by timely help on challenging assignments or by getting missed lecture notes emailed to me. Choose your group wisely though since you’re in this for the long haul.

5. PAY ATTENTIoN To YouR DEPARTMENT’S STuDENT SoCIETY.

The only thing that sucks more than putting on an event that no one attends, is finding out about it a week after it happened and wanting to go. There will be guest speakers, networking events, and even tours/field trips organized by your department. Attend

HOW TO SURVIVE THE FALL SEMESTER - IF YOU’RE A

Second Year Studentall of these. Not only will they expose you to aspects of engineering you hadn’t considered before, something as simple as a handshake and a business card can be the difference between having a high-paying summer engineering job and being “funemployed.”

6. KNoW YouR VICES AND INDuLGE IN THEM.

Perhaps vice is too strong a word, but what I’m getting at here is that you’ll need to be aware of quick and easy ways of cheering yourself up. Classes cover more material in the same amount of time as first year, so you’re going to have less time to wallow in self pity about bombing your thermodynamics midterm before you’re onto the next topic. So go to the Den after a particularly brutal test. Hit the gym. Do whatever it is you do to make yourself happy, or else you will burn out. Remember that you have three more years of hard schooling ahead of you. It’s a long trip – take time to smell the flowers.

7. BE NICE To THE ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANTS (HI SHAILA!).

These people are incredible sources of information and can be the difference between accomplishing a goal and failing miserably. This is often the first exposure someone has to the “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” business mentality, and it’s a powerful one. A polite greeting and a smile go much farther than a furrowed brow and a raised voice. Bear this in mind when you need help changing your timetable around, or are trying to track down tickets for that sold out ESS event.

With respect to all the above information, you simply must remember to not take yourself or engineering too seriously. Know when to ask for help from a friend, a professor, or even a mental health professional. Engineering is a rough trip, but if you’re not having fun you’re doing something wrong.

THE NATuRALLY SMART KID This is the kid that sits in your class and takes no notes what-so-ever, but always aces the tests. Be warned, there are a lot of imposters out there. Some kids will try to lead you to believe they don’t take notes at all when in reality they study their asses off at home out of their books. To tell if they are actually a “naturally smart kid”, they will have a GPA between 3.0 and 3.4, as it is very rare to have a GPA higher than this in engineering without cracking open a book.

Rarity: There are typically a few in each class.

Do you want to hang out with them? These kids generally have trouble explaining concepts. They have no difficulty understanding them, but they don’t want to waste their time explaining it to someone else. Not much to gain from making friends with these guys, but they usually have no problem checking your work, so make sure you know a couple of their names.

No one does, but they latch onto you. kind of girl you can bring home to mom! And if you’re lucky... she may be a lady on the street but a freak in the bed. There are a lot of negative stereotypes associated with female engineers, and at first you may notice—or even agree with these—but after a semester or two of engineering, in classes with only men, you may find you’re pining after them!

Rarity: Difficult to determine, everyone has their own tastes!

Do you want to hang out with them? In engineering, you will naturally latch onto any girls you can find because they are already rare in this faculty!

THE “Too CooL FoR ENGINEERING EVENTS” KIDThese kids bring themselves down along with everyone around them. They do not read The GaG (because they believe they are cooler than all other engineers and their events), so we can make fun of them here. Every time an event is announced, they will immediately make their lack of interest public. They will hang out in large groups of like minded people. Don’t listen to them; do what you want. Remember, you are here to meet people and get the most out of your experience! Don’t just gain book knowledge; make friends for life!

Rarity: Sadly you will run into many of them, but an easy way to avoid them is by going out to events!

Do you want to hang out with them? No!

ADDITIoNAL HINTS, TIPS AND TRICKS!

1) Every engineer shares one common trait—they always think they are right. It is best to avoid arguments and not talk until you let the person explain themselves entirely, even if you know that you are right. The satisfaction is much greater than arguing and yelling at each other. Listen first, then calmly explain why they are stupid and wrong afterwards.

2) In engineering, there are several ways to solve a single problem. In many instances, engineers will argue the same point and not realise it because neither of them listen to one another. To correct this, first, check to see if you got the same answer. If you did—golden! Don’t bother checking each other’s work. Also, make sure you listen to the other person in the argument. Try to think of how they are approaching the problem, and if it could be a correct alternative for you.

3) The Schulich School of Engineering is currently experiencing an aggressive outbreak of “Polio”. Polio is defined as wearing polo shirts with little or no bicep. This is not how polo’s are suppose to be worn; they should be tight against the bicep. Some of the more aggressive cases appear to resemble a worm poking out of a gopher hole. If this is a problem, you can do one of two things: (1) You can do as I do, and buy your polo shirts in a boys medium, or (2) You can start hitting the gym.

4) Do not fail a class, and do not go out drinking before an exam!

5) Have fun and get involved!

Michael ProceeIllustrations by non-engineer Alexandra Darazs

THE “ARTISTIC ENGINEER”These kids understand the fact that just knowing how to do math doesn’t separate them from the pack anymore; they need another gimmick. They will attempt to convince you that they know a lot about the arts, which can range anywhere from movie reviews to artistic eras. These kids always point themselves out right away by correcting your grammar in public. Sarcasm is their greatest weapon.

Rarity: Almost as common as the “cool smart kid”

Do you want to hang out with them?

THE BLoND BoMBSHELL (CoMES IN A VARIETY oF HAIR CoLoRS) Wow, even your high school was lacking these babes. Some women will try to pretend to be one; they come straight out of a small high school and think they can use their charm to get you to do her assignments for her. You can tell if you are falling victim to one if you only ever see this girl at school. Don’t fall for her! It is actually quite comical; if you enter DARC, you see groups of men, each with their own pretty girl in the middle, laughing and batting her eyelashes at them. Don’t get me wrong, there are beautiful engineering women out there.... they’re just not interested in you. It’s fine to be friends, but don’t fall in love!

Rarity: Few and far between, maybe four or five beautiful ones that are trying to use everyone they meet to get by, but you can find many attractive nice girls throughout engineering who like you for you.

Do you want to hang out with them? Never hurts to be seen with a babe, but don’t be carrying her books or getting hugs goodbye! Hugs are for losers and best guy friends act like they’re sisters!

THE FEMALE AVERAGE ENGINEERNice, smart and funny—she’s that nerdy girl in high school that you always found kind of cute but was too embarrassed to make a move. Make a move now! This is the

patriotic nation when it comes to the world’s top sport; for every Mexican game, classes were canceled, work was delayed and streets nearly deserted! It didn’t take long for me to get involved in the sport’s gossip or politics. Soccer is ingrained into the lifestyle, with recreational leagues available for all ages. It truly was a demonstration of a sport rallying together a nation.

Me enamoré con la gente. Family plays a significant role in Mexico. If the extended family members aren’t already your neighbours, you’ll still see them on monthly if not weekly basis. My trip was extended following my new friends’ gracious invitations to visit their homes. In my last two weeks, I was welcomed into four families who helped me discover other cities while giving me a glimpse of their daily lives. It’s one thing to live on campus

ExCHANGE ExCHANGE

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and socialize with fellow students, and something completely different to be taken into a home and treated like one of their own. The generosity and warmth was overwhelming. The expression, “mi casa es tu casa” truly applied in this case; the hospitality I was shown were these words in action.

The Mexico Tourism Board sums this experience quite well with their promotional phrase, as the article is entitled, “the place you thought you knew.” Clearly these are only a few of my experiences, in a list which also includes meeting deer and peacocks on campus, going to the movie theater with reclining, leather seats for the price we pay here and celebrating Canada Day amid Hurricane Alex rains… All experiences contrary to anything I could have imagined.

An exchange is not without its risks or frustrations, but living outside of Canada awakens a whole new world of possibilities and of course, many privileges we often take for granted. A study abroad opportunity is a unique experience for each person. I have been inspired in more ways than I can describe.

I spent two months in Mexico and never had an opportunity to go to the beach, but I met and lived with Mexicans. To see the friends I made is sufficient reason to return. Ya te extraño México!

Neuczki Mathurin

MEXICO:THE PLACE YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW

Mexico… what comes to mind? Perhaps beaches, tacos and ¿una cerveza por favor? Although true, this captures little of the country’s diverse climates, rich culture and warm people.

My trip to Mexico was an individual summer exchange at ITESM in Monterrey, which is one of the country’s largest cities situated in the northeast, with the intention to learn Spanish and complete a complementary studies option. From late May through to the end of July, while perfecting a language I discovered everything from the amusing to the shocking to the quirky.

una noche, bailé hasta las 4 de la mañana. There is a strong social culture among Mexicans. All the students I met, enjoyed having a good time with others, whether friends

or new acquaintances. Invitations to restaurants were a weekly occurrence, especially since food is cheap. And if food is cheap, so is the alcohol: 1L of your favorite cocktail for $70 pesos! (12 MxN = 1 CAN… you can do the math). Nonetheless, I was most surprised by the tardiness of their outings. Arrive at a nightclub at 12:30 AM and you’ll still have to wait another hour before it starts to fill up. of course, when in good company you can’t forget about the after party that follows.

Comí tacos casi todos los días. Yes, tacos are popular. There are more taquerías there than hotdog stands here, but there is so much more food to try! Each region has its own cuisine according to the climate and local products. Mexico truly has its own gastronomy. Next time you see mole, tamale, pozole or nopales on the menu, you have found

an authentic Mexican restaurant. For some typical flavors, try using corn tortillas, add lime or garlic and sprinkle generously with chili. The latter is found in more than just your plate; you can find it in candy, beer and even in your choice of bubble tea! Some friends took great pleasure in adding some of the country’s hottest chili sauce to my shrimp dish and as keen as I was to try everything Mexican, me enchilaron! No matter your complexion, with this stuff you’ll still be red in the face…

Me compré una playera de México. I was made completely oblivious to the Stanley Cup finals as a result of the promotion and excitement for the FIFA World Cup, which started the same week. Prior to going to Mexico, I had never seen an entire soccer game in my life. This didn’t make me immune to the World Cup fever though. Mexico is a

Arrivied empty-handed, returned with a heart full of gratitude

”“

Steve Jobs to become the next Dean of the Schulich School of Engineering?

Pi-LFs0.14159... MORE LINES THAN THE GAUNTLET!

NEWS

Pi-LFs are your chance to get your thoughts published in the GaG. Tell a joke, write a haiku, or express your love to that girl who sits three rows up in your ENGG 349 lecture, who you swore looked at you one time. You can say it all in a Pi-LF. Here are a few of our favourites from over the years...

To the girl I see everyday in Engineering I wish I was your ENGG 349 assignment, because then I’d be long and hard... and you’d be doing me in the DARC. - ENGGuendo

To: SSE Take those motherf****** calculators, and shove them up your motherf****** a**. (all 1500 of them). From: Casio fx-991MS

I am a 7 year old lost in the Vatican. Please send help - Scared

An ode to ENGG 253:Here’s to Inclusive Design, a thought process that seems quite fine It forces you to consider, dexterity and reach but at the end of a lab, I want to drink bleach.

To the girls I carried home on Friday night. You left your puke buckets in my car. kthxbye

To the cute girl I always see studying in the DARC with her laptop. You are cute, want to integrate some time? - Likes to integrate in the DARC

Haiku Corner:I will miss PloughboyKicking Horse coffee is bestF*** other places

Dear Nippley Asian,Bringing your gf to your engg classes when she is not in engg will not get you laid. So stop doing it.

I got you a kitty in a box. Don’t open it. It may or may not be alive :| - Kyle Schrödinger

This Schulich stuff is getting to be a little bit much, first the school is named, then the calculators, now I caught my girlfriend screaming “Schulich!” while making love. - Thanking Wayne’s Geoid

I didn’t realize why the right-hand rule wasn’t working for me until I found out I was using my left - Ambidextrous

AskSupercow!

Submit your Pi-LFs by e-mailing

pi@ess.ucalgary.caor by dropping them off in the Cow Cube in ESS.

Dear Readers,

I’m happy to let you know that I’m back to answer all your questions. I am still stolen away by those bastards from the École de Technologie Supérieure, but that won’t stop me from keeping an eye out for you.

If you are wondering if size matters, how to measure the moment of inertia of rigid members, or even the meaning of life, you are in the right place.

Don’t be shy. I am one experienced cow, whether in the bedroom or in the classroom. Engineers always come to me for my wisdom. Send all of your questions to:

supercow@ess.ucalgary.ca

Cheers,

SCHULICH iSCHOOL OF ENGINEERING

With the search for the xth Dean of the Schulich School of Engineering well underway, many candidates’ names have been circulating around the school. This fall, the GaG has secured an exclusive anonymous source involved in the selection process who’s willing to speak about one of the most prominent and distinguished candidates eligible for the school’s top position - Steve Jobs, CEo and visionary of Apple. our source has revealed that Steve Jobs, not content with controlling the hippest technology company, wants to indoctrinate educate a new target audience and is considering to accept the post here in Calgary on the condition the school is renamed again to the Schulich iSchool of Engineering.

At this crossroad in our school’s history, several other changes will be implemented, should Steve Jobs take the helm. With the school renovations still underway, he wants to have the hardworking construction workers finish the rooms off with a sterile, white glow. Additionally, Steve wants to change the designs for the new engineering building so that it’s

Jordan Stosky

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Schulich Calculator—with the Schulich approved iPad. The Schulich approved iPad introduces popular features such as it being solar powered, “deathgrip” signal loss, and compared to the current Schulich calculator, it will be guaranteed just as useless. The textbooks will be all digital, and open iPad exams will not only test students’ engineering skills for finding zero force members, but also their loyalty to their omnipotent leader.

Steve Jobs is apparently also familiar

last year’s VA) as well as no fewer than 3 naked ladies riding around on horses. According to sources familiar with the incidents, this has led to the current lock-out of adult themed iPhone apps, as well as the no flash policy. Conditional to his acceptance of the job at the u of C, Steve Jobs has mentioned that he would like to extend that policy to the university, stating, “There will be no flash photography on campus. That leads to immoral behaviour through inappropriate poses, and without flash photography, people’s low quality images will force people to forget about posing suggestively on the engineering lounge couches in the dim light.”

carved out of the world’s largest (and most expensive) chunk of aluminum.

The selection committee is also sympathetic to Steve Jobs prominent insight to knowing what students want. His vision for the school is to replace the brick—that is, the

with long-running engineering traditions. With his term at Apple, he has seen his share of giant iPods hung from the ceiling of his Apple Retail Stores, apple stickers all over his Cupertino buildings (he swears they were given out as promotional items and it was the customer’s fault they ended up everywhere, not unlike

His vision for the school is to replace the brick—that is, the Schulich Calculator—with the Schulich approved iPad.

ERML, standing for “engineering ruined my life”, is the engineering equivalent for FML.

Email your engineering horror stories to:

gag@ess.ucalgary.ca

Also keep an eye out for the upcoming ERML blog, where you can post submissions online!

FuN STuFF

(YOU CAN SAY IT ALL IN 3.1415... LINES FREE)

HorrorscopesFuN STuFF FuN STuFF

The “Days of the Week” song will perfectly describe your Frosh Week. Are you going to be happy? You bet the f*** you are!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your hangover incurred from Tap the Town will last all month. No amount of coffee and cold showers will help.

Taurus(April 20 - May 20)

At Raid The Den you will make $7.00 in change. How? The loonies people throw in the trough. Make sure you wash your hands plenty. With bleach.

Gemini(May 21 - June 20)

You will find out where the “Door to Nowhere” goes... the hard way. ouch.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

After drinking all Frosh Week long, you will feel so shitty that you have to see a doctor. His diagnosis: your liver has died.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be plagued with severe menstrual cramps, whether you have ovaries or not. Sucks to be you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

After Chariot Races, you realize someone stole your clothes. You have to spend the rest of the day in a soiled garbage bag or go the full monty. Either way, you earn yourself a new nickname.

Libra(September 23 - october 22)

After having one too many BEvERages at PoETS, you will be convinced that dying yourself green is a good idea. It’s not. The only thing that will remove the dye: bleach.

Scorpio(october 23 - November 21)

Since you have always dreamed of athletic fame, you try your luck at the Keg olympics. However, the keg you choose to try and toss isn’t an empty one. Hello hernia.

Sagittarius(November 22 - December 21)

Alcohol poisoning. I hear what the doctors do to get the alcohol out of your bowels isn’t pretty.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

During Frosh Week, your cellphone will get soaked in beer and you will have to use that loaner phone for the rest of the year.

Aquarius(January 20 - February 18)

You will be that kid who doesn’t go to any Frosh Week events. As soon as the week is over, you will hear the stories and regret it for the rest of your life.

Pisces(February 19 - March 20)

EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE...

Activities & Comics

Karen Wong Carmen Lau

Mila Goroberts

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Mila Goroberts

Stellar interpretations by Shahir Mishriki and Michael De Santis