My  kids  are  hilarious.    Read  on  for  examples  of  

why  hanging  out  with  them  is  more  entertaining  than  a  

night  at  the  Improv.  

By  TammySF,  G  and  O’s  mom  

Funny  Stuff  My  Kids  Have  Said  

Dad:  Are  fairies  real?    O:  No,  they’re  imagination.  Except  the  tooth  fairy.  Dad:  Why  are  tooth  fairies  real?  O:  Because  they  give  me  money  when  I  put  my  tooth  under  the  pillow.  Dad:  How  do  you  know  it’s  the  tooth  fairy?  O:  Who  else  would  give  me  money  for  my  tooth?  

O,  who  believes  in  anyone  that  gives  him  money.  Age  7.    

O:  Charlie  is  British.  Dad:  Are  Charlie’s  parents  British?  O:  No  Dad:  Is  Charlie  from  England?  O:  No  Dad:  Why  is  Charlie  British,  then?  O:  Because  he  speaks  British!  

O,  describing  his  American  friend  Charlie,  who  speaks  with  a  lisp.  Age  7.    

Being  dead  is  boring!!  All  you  do  is  close  your  eyes  and  look  at  the  dark.  

O  says  a=er  tes>ng  out  “being  dead”  by  closing  his  eyes  for  5  seconds.  Age  7.      

WAITER  (turning  to  O):  What  kind  of  pasta  would  you  like?  We  can  make  you  any  kind.  

O:  I  want  the  tae  bo  pasta!  

O,  reques>ng  farfalle  (aka  “bow  >e”)  pasta.  Age  6.    

O,  educa>ng  his  sister  about  “jungle  people.”  Age  6.    

They  sleep  on  the  ground,  eat  bugs  and  snakes  and  they  wear  brown  

bikinis.    

O  (proudly):  I  wrote  in  my  journal  at  school  that  I  am  responsible  because  I  make  my  bed  every  morning.  

DAD  (looking  dubious):  You  make  your  bed  every  morning?  

O  (long  silence):  I  was  going  to  write  “sometimes.”  

O,  learning  the  difference  between  a  lie  and  stretching  the  truth.  Age  6.    

Sweeeeet  ride!!  

O  exclaims  a=er  jumping  into  the  back  seat  of  a  rental  car,  the  ever-­‐fancy  Toyota  Corolla.  Age  6.      

Mommy,  you’re  being  too  harsh...  Like  a  stepmother.  

O,  likely  watching  too  many  Disney  movies.  Age  6.    

G:  I  hate  my  brother.  ME:  No  you  don’t.  Deep  down,  you  love  him.  G:  No,  really.  My  heart  is  throwing  up.  

G,  who  would  rather  have  a  younger  sister.  Age  7.    

Is  naked  waterproof?!  

O  asks  a=er  he  spills  water  on  his  bare  chest.  Age  6.      

Mommy,  did  they  have  shoes  when  you  were  a  

kid?  

G,  who  then  asks,  “How  about  toilet  paper?”  followed  by  “what  about  closets?”  Age  7.      

Does  summer  school  mean  you  learn  about  summer?    

O,  just  wan>ng  to  get  the  facts  straight.  Age  6.    

I  don’t  want  to  go  to  Italy  because  everything’s  broken  

there.  

Overheard  while  G  was  talking  with  her  friend  Chloe,  who  uPered  these  very  literal  words.  Age  7.        

O:  I  want  to  be  a  grownup.  DAD:  Why  do  you  want  to  be  a  grownup?  O:  So  I  can  be  a  race  car  driver.  DAD:  You  should  eat  broccoli  then.  O:  Does  broccoli  help  me  grow  up?  DAD:  Yes.  O  (pondering):  I  think  I  like  being  a  kid  for  now.  

O,  realizing  the  high  cost  of  growing  up.  Age  5.    

If  the  people  don’t  listen  to  you,  do  you  give  them  time  

out?  

O  asks  me  a=er  mee>ng  my  co-­‐workers  at  the  office.  Age  5.    My  reply:  “I  wish.”  

He  always  says  he’ll  put  them  outside  but  really  he  just  puts  

them  in  the  trashcan.  

G,  calling  out  her  dad,  the  self-­‐professed  animal  lover,  as  he  transfers  a  captured  spider  outdoors.  Age  6.    

O:  I’m  hungry  DAD:  I  have  only  green,  healthy  food.  O:  I’m  not  hungry  anymore.  DAD:  Are  you  sure?  O:  I’m  hungry  again  in  two  minutes.  Will  you  still  have  green  food  then?  

O,  again  slyly  trying  to  avoid  the  greens.  Age  5.    

G:  Where  are  we  going?    

ME:  We’re  exploring  our  new  neighborhood.  It’s  nice  to  explore  and  discover  new  things.  

G:  Can  we  explore  a  restaurant?  I’m  hungry.  

G,  whose  favorite  vaca>on  is  room  service.  Age  6.      

Don’t  forget  to  get    me  a  present!!  

O,  who  clearly  associates  airports  with  his  mom  traveling,  yells  while  he’s  going  through  security  and  waving  back  at  me.  Age  5.      

They’re  not  toys,  Mommy.  They’re  reptiles.    

O,  the  liPle  debater,  on  why  his  dinosaurs  should  not  be  classified  as  toys  and  therefore  not  be  put  away.  Age  5.    

They  build  plants  and  squeeze  cows.    

Clearly  the  city  kid,  O’s  answer  to  “what  do  farmers  do?”  Age  5.    

ME:  Your  teacher  wants  you  to  bring  in  your  favorite  book  to  class  tomorrow.    

G:  Why?    

ME:  So  she  can  get  to  know  you  better.    

G:  Why?  I’m  not  in  the  book.    

G,  second  week  of  first  grade.  Age  6.      

G,  walking  through  the  airport  in  Texas.  Age  6.      

Dad,  why  are  they  speaking  English?  Don’t  they  have  their  own  

language?  

Noooo,  Mommy!    Houses  belong  on  sidewalks!  

G,  when  I  ask  her  if  we  should  buy  a  house  on  Lake  Street.  Age  4.      

Mommy,  the  pee  and  poop  are  racing…  and  the  pee  wins!    

O,  giving  the  play-­‐by-­‐play  as  he’s  hunched  over  the  toilet.  Age  4.    

I’m  G,  and  this  is  my  best  friend,  Mommy.    

G,  introducing  herself  (and  me)  when  a  neighbor  asks  her  name.  Age  3.    

Hiiiiii,  Giant!!  

O,  very  loudly  addressing  and  waving  to  a  very  tall  man  as  he  walks  by.  Age  3.      

Mommy,  you  have  spider  webs  in  your  eyes!    

G,  staring  into  my  eyes  a=er  my  sleepless  night  spent  working.  Age  3.    

Contributions from the Scribd community!

Michelle Nott: Living in Belgium, English is our ‘fallback’ language when speaking to other international expats. When we went back to Ohio for a visit, my daughter (then only 3) asked, “Why does everyone only speak English?”

Liberty Newsprint: We live near one of the Occupy Wall Street Encampments – while passing in the car – during Thanksgiving week our 4 year old, our of the blue, said “I’m going to send those people a card saying – I’m very thankful for the government.”

SUZANNER: My three year old daughter asked me upon seeing her dad ride his bicycle to work: “Don’t daddy’s feet get dizzy?”

MICHAEL MORRISH: Here’s one my now 17 year old said when he was three. I guess I was having a difficult day when I was between jobs. He was sitting on the couch watching Mr. Roger’s. “Dad?” I heard him say. I looked over and he patted the couch, inviting me to sit next to him. “What’s up Ty?” I asked. He replied, “take your butt off your face and give it to someone else.” I guess I was walking around with a S*** look on my face. Sage words from a child.

HELENWINSLOW: Just discovered our kindergartner, who is learning Our Father, thinks it goes like this: “Our Father, Who Art in Heaven, Hollywood by they Name.”

CWDOWDY: Conversation overheard between my 7 year old twins. Proof the anti-smoking effort at school is alive and well, and they’re watching Dad too. “Dad went to the grocery. I hope he got some good food.” Yeah,” said Jack. “I hope he didn’t get just beer.” “He always gets beer,” said Wilkins. “That’s cause he is da-dicted.” “He’s da-dicted to beer because of the nicotine.” “There isn’t nicotine in beer,” Wilkins said. “MOM! Is there nicotine in beer?”

IPEBBLE: My older cousins were having an argument, when the youngest one walks in (3) and goes, "Nobody likes me because I drink juice!" it was priceless, and so adorable!

SABAKUVIOLIST: On a family car ride my sister was sitting in the front seat between my parents. She asked Mom when she'd last seen a movie. Mom told her it'd been about five years. Sister, openmouthed, looks up at Dad and says "You need to give the old bag more time off!"

MLAIRD: When pulling up to the country club one Sunday for brunch, M turns to me and says “Are we at the retirement home?”

KENOSIS23: My sister was three or four, we were driving in the country and happened to pass a field in which sheep were pasturing. "Look, see the ewes,” my dad said to my sister. To which she replied, “them ain't mes.”

MANDM3808: 6-year old to his brother: “Do I have to seal your mouth with goose tape?”

HELENWINSLOW: Ten-year-old daughter who sings around the house was wandering around trilling the advertising jingle "Paramount Equity/Lends with integrity" but her version was: "Paramount Equity, Living in jeopardy”

HELENWINSLOW: “Mom, was there anyone famous alive when you were little, like, you know, George Washington?”

HELENWINSLOW: Seven-year-old racing excitedly out of the bathroom: “Daddy! I had demi-puke! I wanted to throw up and I almost did but I couldn't!”

DOUGWORM: Our young son's uncle Chris had been playing with him and his little Nerf football and would poise the ball to throw saying "go out for a pass" So the next time we all got together our boy runs in with his football and says to his uncle "Uncle Chris, go pass out" we still laugh about it to this day.

Another time we took a long drive to visit grandparents and along the way we drove through some cattle areas, there was a stand a trees and several cows laying in the shade chewing cud and staying cool. Our son was impressed and tells us matter of factly "look, the cows are having a picnic”