Funny Poets

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  • I've got to lose a kilogramMe buttonholes are stretchingAnd when I bend down in me shortsMe rear end aint so fetchingBut morning tea is on the go,A creamy lemon spongeAnd Easter eggs are in the shopsNext week I'll take the plunge.I've got to lose 2 kilogramsMe zipper's lost its zipMe jeans feel like steel corsetsAnd won't pull past me hips.But there's a birthday celebrationWith chips, ham and cheese platterSo I'll just have a tiny smidgeAnd watch me waist get fatter.I HAVE to lose 3 kilogramsMe swim togs straps feel shorterThey "cut" and I can't stand up straightSo I avoid the water.With all the Christmas barbecuesHeld at the beach or poolI hide behind the snags and grogAnd pile on kilojoules.Poem by:Tess Rowley

  • How am I you ask? Well I must sayI'll be fine as soon as this pain goes awayI'll be fine when I lose a few hundred poundsand my cough isn't really as bad as it sounds

    The sight in my eye will return they sayas soon as this pain in my head goes awayI guess I'll be able to hear againbut the doctor can't really tell me when

    My teeth are ok all the bad ones fell outAnd I could be walking if it weren't for the goutbut other than that I really feel fineif only they'd fix this curve in my spine

    How am I you ask well I'll tell you real quickI was fine till you asked me but now I feel sickPoem by:Donna Vickodil

  • Today I feel rottenLost and forgottenMoody, misty and blueMy hair is splittingNothing is fittingBoth my thumbs I chew

    Today I feel crazyLike a wind-shaken daisyThe dizziest dame on your wayI am all out of orderOn the misery borderAnd my heaven is terribly greyPoem by:Anita V.Today I am mouldyAnd "Oh" such an oldyA shrunken, outdated pruneMy joints are all rustyMy corners all dustyAnd my voice is all out of tune

    I look at the sheetThat lays underneathMy unhappily writing "ball"And I ask with a sigh"Whyever and Why"Do I write such nonsence at all.I am awfully saddenedNot very much gladdenedIt's as if a bad crop I grewEverything's creepyI am feeling all weepyWhen I see the thumbs that I chew

  • The other day, I happened by chance,As I passed a mirror, to give it a glanceAnd I wondered who that old man could be,Who, with his mouth wide open, was looking at me.

    His bald head was sprinkled with a little grey fuzz,And he wasn't at all handsome (like I always was)He looked like a sack of mismated parts,Put together without aid of instructions or charts.

    And while I know that my shoulders don't slump,This person's were misshapen in one ugly hump'Now, if that was my image, I only can say,They don't make mirrors like they did in my day.Poem by:Lucy Blades

  • Love me when I'm old and shockingPeel off my elastic stockingsSwing me from the chandeliersLet's be randy bad old dears

    Push around my chromed Bath ChairLet me tease your white chest hairScaring children, swapping denturesLet us have some great adventuresPoem by:Bee RawlinsonTake me to the Dogs and BingoTeach me how to speak the lingoBone my eels and bring me teaShow me how it's meant to be

    Take me to your special placesWatching all the puzzled facesYou in shorts and socks and sandalsMe with warts and huge love-handles

    As the need for love enthralsWrestle with my dampproof smallsMake me laugh without constraintBuy me chocolate body paint

    Hold me safe throughout the nightWhen my hair has turned to whiteBelieve me when I say it's trueI've waited all my lives for you.

  • In 'Deaths' today I saw my name,"Can't be" I thought, and looked again,Yet there it was as plain as plain,In black and white it said the same.

    "But no! said I, this cannot beFor here I am for all to see.""It must be someone else not me,A case of wrong identity".Poem by:John PickersgillRang a number, crossly said,"How dare you tell the world I'm dead,That this living life I've fled,You surely must be off your head".

    The gleeful voice that answered back,Said, "Yeah, yeah man - they all say that,Believe it man, you've hung your hat,You kicked the bucket two hours back".

    "You've dialed Limbo triple 0,Press 1 for yes or 2 for no,The choice of where you wanna go,Is wings above or fire below ".

    "But be aware, I gotta sayIt makes no difference either way,Your future's looking grim and gray,It's roast and toast for you this day".

    The roar of flames, the smell of soot?The stamping of a cloven foot?Must I drink this bitter cup?"Like Hell! " I said, as I woke up.