Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes

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Funny Gilmore Girls quotes [Lorelai's having Rory] Young Lorelai : Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please. Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey. Young Lorelai : Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead? Nurse: What? Young Lorelai : Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better. Nurse: No, you cannot hit me. Young Lorelai : Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something. Rory : Do something to make me hate you! Lorelai : Um, go Hitler? [turns to Rory and says sarcastically] Jess : So Courtney, what about you? Sookie : [petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long! Paris : Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red. Madline : I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad. Louise : She was being sarcastic. Madline : Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month. Michel : [about Paris] She's back! She's coming back! Lorelai : What? Why?

Transcript of Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes

Page 1: Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes

Funny Gilmore Girls quotes [Lorelai's having Rory]

Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go

away, please.

Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.

Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?

Nurse: What?

Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make

me feel better.

Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.

Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady

on you 'cause I really need to do something.

Rory : Do something to make me hate you!

Lorelai: Um, go Hitler?

[turns to Rory and says sarcastically]

Jess: So Courtney, what about you?

Sookie : [petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!

Paris : Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school

swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I

ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated

brow line? Man, was my face red.

Madline: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.

Louise: She was being sarcastic.

Madline: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.

Michel : [about Paris] She's back! She's coming back!

Lorelai: What? Why?

Michel: I don't know - maybe she forgot her phone, or her spell

book, or something.

Zach : [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never

failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?

Brian: What?

Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing.

Brian: I think it's a wall.

Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally

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gay.

Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a

sin or something.

Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.

Zach : [singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but

now I see.

Mrs. Kim: Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break

while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.

Brian: Was she looking at me?

Zach: She wasn't looking at me, dude.

Dave : You're drunk.

Lane: No, I'm... am I?

Dave: We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?

Lane: Oh, I can hit the sticks on those brums.

Dave: Great, great, but what about the drums?

[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her

mother made her get involved in]

Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.

Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date

Leonardo DiCaprio now.

Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.

Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You

need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We

could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.

Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to

do something about it.

[on phone]

Lorelai: Hey Mom!

Emily: Well, hello.

Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did

Bitty tell you?

Emily: No, she did not.

Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You

might want to send someone out there to look.

Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting

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involved.

Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next

weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.

Emily: Well, good for you.

Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how

Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved

somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.

Emily: Excuse me?

Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll

provide hair and makeup.

Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.

Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.

Emily: This is ridiculous.

Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm

involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's

future?

Emily: All right.

Lorelai: Start measuring.

[hangs up]

Rory: You feel better now?

Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.

Lorelai : I love ranting Luke. (In extension, Lorelai loves Luke!)

Michel : Well, you know what happens when you assume.

Lorelai: What?

Michel: I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid

American phrase.

Dave : What we need is a name.

Brian: I made my suggestion.

Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.

Brian: So yours is better?

Zach: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable

and classy.

Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.

Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying

your name.

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Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your

respiratory illnesses.

Brian: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the

Dessert" is too long.

Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to

F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.

Luke : [Jess' beeper goes off when Luke visits him in his run-

down apartment] What, are you a drug dealer now?

Rory : I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris,

Madeline and Louise.

Lorelai: Really?

Rory: Paris has appointed herself as director.

Lorelai: Nice. What part are you playing?

Rory: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests

right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.

Lorelai: Screen tests?

Rory: 24 takes.

Lorelai: Ah, I so want a copy.

Rory: Forget it.

Lorelai: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought

you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the

crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'

Rory: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our

costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you

tomorrow at three.

Lorelai: What?

Rory: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous

work and, uh, referrals.

Lorelai: And my bare butt to kiss?

Rory: If you think that will set you apart from the other

applicants, yes.

Luke : [Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew

to see them] What are you doing?

Andrew: I have to ring them up.

Luke: I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $24.99.

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Andrew: That high?

Luke: They're your prices!

Andrew: Can I just see the book?

Luke: I'm reading you the book. It says right here.

[looks at the price again]

Luke: Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $14.99.

Andrew: Will you just let me scan the book?

Luke: When you scan the book, do you see the title?

Andrew: Yes.

Luke: Then no.

Andrew: Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?

Luke: You sell porn?

Andrew: No!

Luke: You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?

Andrew: I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the

books.

Luke: [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.

Andrew: A hundred bucks? That's way too much!

Luke: Take it.

[he leaves, then comes back in]

Luke: Bag.

[Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]

Tobin : Michel, did you get a bagel?

Michel: I don't want a bagel.

Tobin: Are you sure? They're kosher.

Michel: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines

and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain

there until you die.

Sookie: Ew! Shut up!

Lorelai : Luke, will you marry me?

Luke: What?

[Luke has hired a new waiter]

Rory: Oh, my god.

Lorelai: What?

Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis.

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Lorelai: And?

Rory: Ew!

Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad.

Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands,

and then ate a sandwich.

Lorelai: Ew!

Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He

watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt

cheeks together.

[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired]

Lorelai: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you

food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from

doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that

Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here

and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.

Luke: What are butt napkins?

Lorelai: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back

pocket.

Luke: Hey, Bren?

Brennon Lewis: Yeah, boss?

Luke: Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?

Brennon Lewis: Yeah.

Luke: Don't.

Brennon Lewis: Okay.

Michel : [Sookie wants Michel to choose a cookie] I don't care.

Sookie: I just need a quick opinion!

Michel: It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care, that's as

quick as I get.

Marty : Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all

out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a

very similar result.

[notices Anna]

Marty: Hey.

Rory: This is Anna.

Marty: [gasps excitedly] Did Paris move?

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Paris: [from behind] I'm right here, Marty.

Marty: I know, Paris.

Rory : Asher Flemming is dead.

Marty: In bed?

Rory: No

Marty: Damn, I lost the pool.

Marty : So, I just bartended this crazy brunch, with chocolate

fountains and floating ice sculptures and I snagged us all kinds of

hors d'oeuvres

Paris: Nice going, bucko.

Marty: Okay, so she didn't really mean nice going, right? 'Cause

there's sort of a devil eye thing going on

Sookie : Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry

pancakes.

Michel: Are there 12?

Sookie: 12 what?

Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.

Sookie: Or what?

Michel: What do you mean, or what?

Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?

Michel: This is a silly conversation.

Sookie: Would you die?

Michel: Just hand me the plate.

Sookie: Only if you don't count.

Michel: I won't count.

Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's

Child break up if I count these blueberries.'

Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group.

Sookie: Nope.

Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!

Anna : [after Rory shooed away two college guys, whining] Rory!

Rory: Anna!

Anna: Well that's not fair. You get to talk to boys!

Rory: What?

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Anna: You were over there, talking to Marty.

Rory: [laughs] That's different. Marty's just a friend. Which is

another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends.

Nothing romantic, just a good pal.

[Marty looks pained]

Rory: Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless

the word "friendship" is tattooed on your butt. Now drink your

coffee.

[they take a sip]

Rory: It's good, huh?

[Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party

and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]

Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours

tomorrow.

Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?

Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling.

Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's

talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she

like a chimp, Gypsy?

Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me.

Lorelai: If only I had that power.

[At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony]

Lorelai: Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.

Luke: Nice to meet you.

Marilyn: You, too.

[pulls Lorelai aside]

Marilyn: Is he a gardener?

Lorelai: Um, no, he owns a diner.

Marilyn: Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a

gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now. (Remember, desperate

housewives pilot?)

[Jess is eating a sandwich at the dance marathon and Mrs. Kim

walks up to him]

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Mrs. Kim: Who are you?

Jess: I'm Jess... ma'am. (Mrs. Kim even scares Jess!!!)

Lorelai : [at the town meeting, when everyone is talking about

the bad things that Jess has done] I hear he controls the weather

and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!

Taylor : [Luke won't give out free coffee at the dance marathon]

You would knock the crutch out from under Tiny Tim, wouldn't

you?

Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's goin' down.

Madeline : Paris has gone bye-bye.

Luke : It's the kind of lock burglars look for.

Lorelai: Why do burglars look for that lock?

Luke: Because it's easy to break into. I proved that.

Lorelai: You proved that by...?

Luke: Breaking in through the back door.

Richard : Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the

audience in their underwear? Well, don't do it. I did it once and I

had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos

Lorelai : [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion

rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away

with it. I need some heroes.

Clara : Is Jess your real name?

Jess: Yes.

Clara: Do you like it?

Jess: It's fine.

Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?

Jess: No.

Clara: Frank?

Jess: No.

Clara: Mike?

Jess: No.

Clara: Bob?

Jess: No.

Clara: Ed?

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Jess: Does this belong to you?

Dean: Clara, you want a snowcone?

Clara: Yes, will you get me a snowcone?

Jess: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait

for me, I'll be right back.

Emily : You were on the phone?

Richard: Long distance.

Lorelai: God?

Richard: London.

Lorelai: God lives in London?

Richard: My mother lives in London.

Lorelai: Your mother is God?

Richard: Lorelai...

Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.

Richard: Lorelai.

Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for

favors.

Richard: Make her stop.

Rory: Oh, that I could.

Luke : Rory's not here yet.

Lorelai: Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay

Burger boy, dance.

Luke: Will you marry me?

[Lorelai is taken aback]

Luke: Just looking for something to shut you up.

Sookie : What's going on?

Lorelai: Michel's gonna live forever.

Sookie: Like the kids from 'Fame'?

Lorelai: That's what I said.

Lorelai : Hey, you didn't wake me up.

Rory: I set the clock.

Lorelai: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it

against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You,

however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you,

thus insuring the wake up process.

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Lorelai : Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest

word in the entire world.

Rory: Hmm.

Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and

not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.

Emily: Oh dear God.

Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.

Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.

Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the

same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know?

Like, "Oy with the poodles already."

Rory: Hehe.

Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise,

we will use our favorite new catchphrase:

Rory: Oy with the poodles already.

Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout,

Willis?" right out of first place.

Lorelai : That's the *last* time I buy anything just because it's

furry.

Jess : Yeah women right, can't live with 'em can't stop them from

jumping in closets... go figure.

Jackson : I think we should get married.

Sookie: But - uh, but...

Jackson: Soon.

Sookie: Are you pregnant?

Jess : Hey, if you're going to get all Ward Cleaver on me, I'm

gonna have to call Eddie and Lumpy and tell I'm gonna be late.

Luke: Shut up for a minute, will ya?

Luke : Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the

end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no."

And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted

Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they

unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed

closely by, "Taylor, no."

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Jess : Why are you running so fast?

Rory: Well our president says to exercise and I'm very patriotic.

Lorelai : Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only 2 or 3 crack

heads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.

Lorelai : What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed

in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?

Jess: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa

Claus.

Lorelai: Very funny.

Jess: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous

response.

Jackson : The rate I have children is between me and Sookie.

Luke: And the lord,

[Lorelai gives him a look]

Luke: still not helping?

Luke : Red meat kills, enjoy.

Tristan : He likes me.

Rory: He's drunk.

Lorelai : Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do

except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which,

apparently, the United States government frowns upon.

Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were

waiting for me?

Lorelai: Just a little.

Rory: How much is a little?

Lorelai: Learn Russian.

Lorelai : Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing

this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and

so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is

the kitchen, is Luke.

Rory: Was he naked?

Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast.

Rory: Naked?

Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.

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Rory : [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me

to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-

shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.

Jess's New Girfriend: Hi.

Jess: Hi.

[they kiss]

Jess's New Girfriend: So?

Jess: One sec.

Jess's New Girfriend: Jess!

Jess: Relax!

[closes his book, turns to Luke]

Jess: I'm out!

Lorelai: Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in one

word sentences.

Dean: [walks into Luke's] OK, don't hate me, but I already ate

breakfast.

Rory: See, nice, full sentences.

Dean: What?

Lorelai: Don't ruin it.

Dean: OK...

Lorelai : I think I have gangrene.

Rory: You do not.

Lorelai: And vertigo.

Rory: Oh boy.

Lorelai: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.

Rory: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over

again, isn't it?

Luke : Ow.

Lorelai: Luke, are you okay?

Luke: Stupid box. Stupid lamp.

Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions

again?

Rory : I can't even open my eyes.

Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo,

Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.

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Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my

eyes again.

Jess : Hi.

Rory: Hey.

Jess: Hi.

Lorelai: Hi.

Jess: Hi.

Luke: Hi.

Rory: I have to get to school.

Jess: Yeah, me too.

Rory: Bye

Jess: Bye. Bye.

Lorelai: Bye.

Rory: Bye.

Lorelai: Bye.

Rory: Bye.

Luke: Bye.

[Jess and Rory leave]

Luke: What the hell was that?

Lorelai: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.

Lorelai : Rory, we're home.

Richard: Lorelai, you really should think about...

Lorelai: Rory, for the love of God be home.

Luke : This is Liz's kid, Jess. Jess, this is Mia, Lorelai's boss, she

owns the Independence Inn.

Mia: Hello.

Jess: Hmmph.

Luke: That's "Hello, nice to meet you." in slacker.

Principal: ...And five hundred baseballs have suddenly come up

missing.

Luke: Jess, didn't take them, I swear. He has no use for

baseballs.

Principal: [gives Luke the look]

Luke: I'll check when I get home.

Lorelai: yes, it’s jess?

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Rory: mom!

Lorelai: It's not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme.

Lorelai : My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and

say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time - maybe we'll

pull a Freaky Friday.

Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around

acting really immature. Oh, wait...

Lorelai: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.

Rory: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.

Paris: what about him? What about that guy over there?

Luke: who, reverend Nickels?

Paris: what is that, like Dr. feel good?

Luke: Rory, how much do you like this person?

Rory: do what you have to, Luke.

Lane : I guess I kind of overreacted.

Rory: Kind of? You did everything but tie a string with you at one

end and the Statue of Liberty at the other.

Lorelai : Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if

you're gonna build a moat around the diner but...

Luke: It's fine.

Lorelai: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him

something inflatable, make it a blonde.

Lorelai : Can I ask you stupid questions?

Luke: There's no such thing.

Lorelai: How does ink come out of pens?

Luke: All right, there is such a thing.

Rory : Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it

is for a person to be properly presented to society.

Lorelai: Ugh.

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Rory: And how every young girl dreams of this day.

Lorelai: Agh.

Rory: And how there are flowers.

Lorelai: Oh Lord.

Rory: And music.

Lorelai: Please.

Rory: And cake.

Lorelai: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.

Lorelai : I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably

never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a

nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.

Lorelai : Why are we standing here?

Rory: Because the sign says 'wait to be seated'.

Lorelai: Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers,

and there are like fifty open tables.

Rory: You're exaggerating.

Lorelai: One, two, three, four, fifty - no I'm not.

Emily and Richard have split up]

Emily: At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are,

he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also.

Lorelai: Absolutely. MoveOn.org.

Emily: [pause] I think it's time for me to date.

Lorelai: [chokes on her drink] Oh, my God.

Emily: I want to go on a date.

Lorelai: With - a *man*?

Emily: No, a weasel. Of course, a man!

Lorelai: I'm not hearing this.

Emily: Well, why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.

Lorelai: I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.

Emily: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past,

have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out

how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience

with men. How do you let them know that you're available?

Lorelai: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.

Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I

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did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take

me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him

and you say...

Lorelai: ...Hello.

Emily: Is that too forward?

Lorelai: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a

social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a

weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your

hindquarters.

[Emily glares]

Emily : When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not

buy her a puppy.

[Luke and Lorelai arrive at Emily and Richard's vow renewal.

Luke is already in his suit and complains that his pants are

wrinkled]

Lorelai: Hey, stop being such a nancy-boy about the pants.

Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?

Luke: Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role

model do you want me to make this guy?

Lorelai : Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex

of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.

Rory: You would think.

Lorelai: What's green for, aliens?

Tourist: Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Which way is

44th?

Rory: Oh, um, that way.

Tourist: Great, thanks.

Rory: I got asked directions.

Jess: I saw.

Rory: He took me for a native. That's so cool.

Jess: That's very impressive. 44th's the other way.

Lorelai : Hey, is Jackson in the house? Let me here you say unh.

Jackson: Unh.

Lorelai: A new toy.

Rory: Shameless.

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Emily : You're having a baby - do you know that, Lorelai?

Lorelai: Well, that explains the stomachache.

[after Michel has begged Lorelai to take him to an auction run by

her mother]

Lorelai: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be

in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out

towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking

trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.

Michel: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.

Lorelai: All right, then, you can come.

Michel: Thank you.

Lorelai: Buttercup.

Michel: You cannot give them suggestions.

Luke : You tuck a bed in on both sides?

Lorelai: Yeah, and then I slip in, like it's a straightjacket.

Luke: Oh, you must feel at home there.

Zach : Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.

Liza: You're Mr. Announcement Guy today.

Zach: What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?

Liza: Can it.

Zach: Stuff it.

Lorelai: They're in love.

Sookie: Clearly.

[Jimmy's girlfriend's daughter, Lily, likes to read under tables and

in closets]

Jess: She do that a lot?

Jimmy: All the time.

Jess: You ever find it a little weird?

Jimmy: All the time.

Rory : I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do

this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who

knows it.

Lorelai and Rory arrive late to the town meeting]

Taylor: Late again, are we?

Page 19: Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes

Lorelai: Ooh, yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.

Taylor: What?

Lorelai: Are these seats taken?

Luke: don’t drag me into this.

[Luke's deceased Uncle Louie is being buried with his prized

possessions]

Luke: Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack

out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and

selfish all his life. For God's sake, he's even selfish in death.

Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I

would've loved to have those baseball cards. He's got Lou

Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others -

but no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife

with him.

Luke : What was wrong with that place?

Jess: It was pink.

Luke: We can paint it.

Jess: You mean I can paint it.

Luke: *We* can paint it *together*

Jess: Great, and afterwards we can hold hands and skip around.

Lorelai : [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion

rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents

and got away with it. I'm lookin' for some heroes.

Jason : You're still mad about that.

Lorelai: I was fully dressed.

Jason: I remember. Green T-shirt, no bra.

Lorelai: What?

Jason: Trust me. I was the hero of Cabin 5 for the rest of the

summer.

Babette: I just hit F4, and the numlock key and the one with the

little apple on it and its FREAKING OUT like its on acid or

something!!

Page 20: Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes

Who are you?

Why do you call Lane?

How do you know Lane?

Do you date her?

Did you try to?

Then why are you here?

Empty your pockets.

Obsessive...

Lorelai : Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting

these parties on. And you put her out of work. You know that;

your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these

functions away from her. What would she have left?

Jason: More time with the pool boy?

Lorelai : My mother - she was here. I can feel it.

Rory: Grandma hasn't been here.

Lorelai: Smell that?

Rory: Smell what?

Lorelai: The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5

Luke : Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?

Russell: I will leave.

Luke: Okay, you ready?

Russell: Yes.

Luke : His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...

Russell: Dewey.

Luke: Cheatham...

Russell: Cheatham.

Luke: And Howe.

Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.

Emily : I *just* found out that Sookie is pregnant.

Lorelai: Uh huh...

[Emily stares in disbelief]

Lorelai: Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.

Kirk : What time is it?

Luke: I'm not going to tell you.

Page 21: Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes

Kirk: Why not?

Luke: Because I just told you 30 seconds ago.

Kirk: *45* seconds, if you count all the bickering.

[Luke is shoveling Lorelai's walk after they had a fight]

Lorelai: Ooh, this is great. Can we fight again, 'cause I need my

roof gutters cleaned.

[Kirk's planning the annual Stars Hollow Firelight Festival]

Kirk: After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come

through.

Miss Patty: Okay, Kirk.

Kirk: They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz

hands. Then out come the flaming batons.

Miss Patty: That sounds good, Kirk.

Kirk: Are you ignoring me?

Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.

[Lorelai is buying collector's stamps while Luke is signing for his

divorce]

Lorelai: Do you have any Lucille Balls left?

Kirk: Yes, I have some Balls.

[Luke stares at him]

Lorelai : The freaking Blue Man Group is outside our house!

Rory: I was sleeping through it!

Lorelai: It had to have woken you up.

Rory: No, my insane mother Margot Kidder Gilmore woke me up.

Rory : Taylor thinks I'm casing the place. Like I would ever

shoplift there.

Lane: You have shoplifted there.