Friendship and Love Relationships

Chapter 8:

Human AdjustmentJohn W. Santrock

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Chapter Outline

Forming Relationships: Attraction

Friendship

Love

The Dark Side of Close Relationships

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Learning Goals

1. Discuss the factors involved in attraction

2. Describe friendship

3. Characterize the types of love and other factors involved in love

4. Explain the dark side of close relationships

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8-4FORMING RELATIONSHIPS: ATTRACTION

Familiarity and Similarity

Physical Attractiveness

Personality Traits

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Familiarity and Similarity

Familiarity is necessary for a close relationship to develop–Moreland and Beach (1992) found students said they liked

women who attended class more often, even though the targets didn’t interact with anyone

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Familiarity and Similarity

Similarity is also important and the people we like are usually similar to us.–Consensual validation - our own attitudes and behavior

are supported when someone else’s attitudes and behavior are similar to ours

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Physical Attractiveness

When seeking an intimate partner, heterosexual women rate as important in men: –Considerateness–Honesty–Dependability–Kindness–Understanding

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Physical Attractiveness

Heterosexual men rate as important in women:–good looks– cooking skills– frugality

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Physical Attractiveness

Buss (1988) found that:–men use tactics that involve resource possession and

display (brag about cars and money, display strength)

–women use tactics that alter their appearance (wear make-up, keep well-groomed, wear stylish clothes, wear jewelry)

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Physical Attractiveness

Matching hypothesis = although people may prefer a more attractive person in the abstract, in the real world, they end up choosing someone close to their own level of attractiveness

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Personality Traits

Anderson (1968) found we are attracted to people with personality traits such as being:– sincere–honest–understanding– loyal– truthful– trustworthy– intelligent–dependable

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Review - Learning Goal 1

–What roles do familiarity and similarity play in attraction?

–What is the link between physical attractiveness and attraction?

–How are personality traits related to attraction?

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FRIENDSHIP

The Benefits of Friendship

Gender and Friendship

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The Benefits of Friendship

Benefits of friendship include:– can reduce loneliness

–be source of self-esteem

–provide emotional support

Friendships = close relationships that involve intimacy, trust, acceptance, mutual liking, and understanding

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Gender and Friendship

In friendships between women, women–have close friends–are likely to listen and be sympathetic– share their thoughts and feelings

In friendships between men, men are more likely to engage in activities and show more competition

In friendships between women and men, problems arise because of different expectations

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8-16Adjustment Strategies

for Getting and Keeping Friends

1. Be nice, kind, and considerate

2. Be honest and trustworthy

3. Respect others

4. Provide emotional support

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8-17

Review - Learning Goal 2

–What is friendship? What are the benefits of friendship?

–What role does gender play in friendship?

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LOVE

What is love?

Attachment

Gender and Love

Falling Out of Love

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What Is Love?

Liking involves–Similarity–positive evaluation of another person

Loving involves:–being close to someone–dependency–a self-less orientation–absorption and exclusiveness

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Romantic Love

Romantic love (passionate love) = type of love that has strong components of sexuality and infatuation, and often predominates in the early part of a love relationship

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Romantic Love

Romantic love includes intermingling of emotions:– fear–anger– sexual desire– joy– jealousy

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Affectionate Love

In a love relationship, the early stage of romantic love grows into affection

Affectionate love (companionate love) = type of love that occurs when individuals desire to have the other person near and have a deep, caring affection for the person

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Affectionate Love

Affectionate love includes:– secure attachment– familiarity–a deeply caring relationship

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Consummate Love

Consummate love - in Robert Sternberg’s view, the strongest form of love that consists of:–passion (sexual attraction)

– intimacy (emotional feeling of closeness)

–commitment (cognitive appraisal of relationship)

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Consummate Love

Sternberg argues passion, intimacy, and commitment can combine to form various patterns of love:– infatuation

–affectionate love

– fatuous love

– consummate love

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Figure 8.4 Sternberg’s Triangle of Love

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Attachment

Quality of romantic relationship is linked with quality of our attachment (emotional bond) to caregivers such as our parents during infancy and childhood–Romantic partners give us secure base to return to and

obtain comfort from in stressful times

–We learn an attachment style as infants and use it as a model for adult relationships

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Attachment Styles

Mary Ainsworth (1979) identified three attachment styles between infants and caregiver:–Secure attachment style (70%) - caregiver is responsive

to infant’s needs; infant trusts caregiver

–Avoidant attachment style (20%) - caregiver is distant or rejecting; infant suppresses desire to be close to caregiver

–Ambivalent attachment style (10%) - caregiver is inconsistently available and overbearing with affection; infant clings anxiously to caregiver and then fights against closeness by pushing away

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8-29Links Between Attachment in Childhood

and Close Relationships in Adulthood Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver (1987) examined

continuity between childhood attachment and romantic relationships–Securely attached infants are more likely to have a secure

attachment to adult romantic partner

– Individuals with avoidant attachment style in childhood find it difficult to develop intimate relationship in adulthood

Individuals can revise attachment styles in adulthood

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8-30

Gender and Love

Men conceptualize love more in terms of passion Women think of love more in terms of friendship Women are more expressive and affectionate than

men in marriage Women disclose more to romantic partners

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Falling Out of Love

Falling out of love may be wise if you are:–obsessed with a person who betrays your trust

– involved with someone who is draining you emotionally or financially

–desperately in love with someone who does not return feelings

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8-32Adjustment Strategies

for Breaking the Bonds of Love

1. Identify feelings that make it hard to end the relationship

2. Develop a stronger sense of self-esteem and independence

3. Recognize self-defeating thoughts that prevent us from taking effective actions to leave the relationship

4. Fall in love with someone else when you are emotionally ready

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Review - Learning Goal 3

–What forms does love take?

–Does our attachment to our parents in childhood shape our relationships as adults?

–How is gender linked to love?

–What factors are involved in falling out of love?

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8-34THE DARK SIDE OF

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS

Anger

Jealousy

Spouse and Partner Abuse

Dependence

Loneliness

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Anger

Driscoll (2002) identifies three cyclic patterns of anger in close relationships:–Anger justifies itself - you make arguments to justify your

anger and then use these arguments to fuel further anger

–Passivity and outburst - your resentment builds as a result of failure to confront problems and then anger bursts out

–Catharsis (perceived injustice) your partner’s anger makes you angry, which makes your partner angry all over again

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Anger

Carol Tavris (1989) provides suggestions to break cycle of anger:–Stop thinking you will rescue your partner

–Assume responsibility for your emotions and actions

–Civility is important

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Jealousy

Jealousy emerges when there is a challenge to the relationship–Men tend to show sexual jealousy

–Women are upset at emotional infidelity

Jealousy = fear of perceived possibility of losing someone else’s exclusive love

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Jealousy

Jealous individuals tend to idealize their partner and underestimate their own worth

Overcoming jealousy involves reducing feelings of insecurity and thinking more rationally about the relationship

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Spouse and Partner Abuse

Anger and jealousy can lead to spouse or partner abuse

Spouse/partner abuse affects one in four couples

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Spouse and Partner Abuse

Walker (2000) described a three-phase cycle of domestic violence:

1. tension building

2. acute battering incident

3. loving-contrition

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Spouse and Partner Abuse

Obstacles to change in batterers:– they minimize and deny amount of violence

– they are dependent on spouse as source of intimacy and support

– they have low self-esteem

– they were socialized with violence

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Dependence

An excessively dependent person is perceived as a burden by the partner–The partner feels resentment and hostility

Excessively dependent people have low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity

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8-43Adjustment Strategies

for Overcoming Excessive Dependence

1. Admit the problem exists

2. Explore the reasons for such neediness

3. Initiate strategies that lead to increased independence

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8-44

Loneliness

People who do not interact with others in close relationships may feel lonely

Chronic loneliness is linked with impaired physical and mental health

Men blame themselves for being lonely Women blame external factors for their loneliness

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Loneliness and Life’s Transitions

Loneliness can occur with life transitions, such as:–moving

–divorce

–death of friend or family member

– first year of college

At the beginning of college life, 75% said they felt lonely at least part of the time

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Loneliness and Technology

Technology might be contributing to loneliness– link between television-viewing and loneliness

– Internet may increase social disengagement

For some, the Internet may help overcome loneliness

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8-47Adjustment Strategies

for Reducing Loneliness

1. Participate in activities you can do with others

2. Be aware of early warning signs of loneliness

3. Draw a diagram of your social network

4. Engage in positive behaviors when you meet new people

5. See a counselor or read a book on loneliness

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8-48

Review - Learning Goal 4

–What are some characteristics of anger in close relationships?

–What are the sources of jealousy?

–What is the nature of spouse and partner abuse?

–What characterizes overdependence in a close relationship?

–What factors are involved in loneliness?