* Disclaimer *

Robert McAullife, in reality, knows a

limited, severely limited, amount about

basketball. Please do not be offended.

As I'm sure you are all aware, basketball

Hall of Famer and all time record holder

for most basketballs simultaneously

dribbled, Kobe Bryant, recently

announced his plans to retire from the

college basketball league.

This news came shortly after

his astounding underdog

victory against the Carolina

State Roadhawks, puzzling

sports commentators all

over the nation. Why would

a man at the height (a height

of 6'6" if my research is

correct) of his career choose

to ret ire? The Nielsen

National Basketball Ratings

Association had just ranked

him as the Number 1 player

in the nat ion. He had

adoring fans the world over

(including a rabid fan club in

New Zealand). So why would

he retire? That, dear readers,

is what I'd like to explain to

you.

You see, while Kobe

B r y a n t m a y b e a f i n e

specimen of raw athleticism

and sportsmanship on the outside, he

actually has a long history of a rarely-

d i a g n o s e d e m o t i o n a l d i s o r d e r ,

henceforth titled Post-Baller Syndrome.

Post-Baller Syndrome, or PBS, has a

multitude of symptoms. Some of which

include an over-

tendency to foul in

games. If you'll

remember, during

Kobe's previous

s e t o f g a m e s

against the Kansas

University Gremlins, he made a grand

total of 24 fouls, including unnecessary

roughness, unsportsmanlike conduct,

blocking in the back, and several counts

of being off-sides. Another symptom

would be a tendency to speak in a

particularly verbose manner, staunchly

different from the typically blunt,

incomprehensible vernacular of most

players. During an interview with the

Basketball Broadcasting Channel, he

began waxing philosophical about the

nature of his position on the team, and

finished the interview with a quote from

Chaucer, in perfectly-pronounced

Middle English, yet another sign Mr.

Bryant has come under the influence of

PBS.

Some of you may be thinking to

yourselves, "So what if he has PBS, he's

my favorite player! The Cincinnati

Sorcerers would be nothing without

him!", I implore you, consider the long-

term effects of PBS. It's been proven in

mice to cause an increase in brain

matter, a slight shrink in stature, and a

sharp boost in IQ. Obviously, Mr. Bryant

would be rendered ineligible to

participate in the sport of basketball if

these effects were to manifest in him.

His retiring is for his own good, and the

good of his team. If he continued to play,

it would only be a matter of time before

even his most loyal of fans began to turn

on him. So, please, before you criticize

his decision, take these factors into

account, and I think you'll see he has

every reason to retire from the greatest

of sports, America's pastime, basketball.

The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School since 1960Volume 41, Issue 24

The RecordFriday, April 29, 2011

Should Kobe Retire?

Robert McAullife ’12Basketball Insider

An insight into the college basketball scene.

“ H e h a d a d o r i n g f a n s everywhere (including a rabid fan club in New Zealand).”

Friday, April 29, 2011Volume 41, Issue 24

UpdatesThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

The Brand New

Record Staff

Editor-in-Chief:

! Luke D Slabaugh ’12

Layout Editor:

! Trevor Jin ’12

Content Editor:

!Jack O’Brien ’12

Faculty Moderator:

! Mr. Matthew Barrett

In this issue...

! Robert McAullife, ’12

! Xavier Bick ’12

! Luc Bettaieb, ’12

! Austin Krueger, ’14

! David Dobkowsi, ’16

! Thomas Burton, ’13

! Peter Cogan. ’13

! Luke D Slabaugh, ’12

!

The Record is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by student editors/staff members. Its purpose is threefold: to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members o f the Pr iory community , including students, faculty, and alumni. The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyright infringement, or unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.

The Record Disclaimer

Miami Heat Draft Brad Lenke

Epic Meal Time Strikes Every Tuesday

Gentlemen of The Saint Louis Priory School! It has come to my attention that a true tragedy is occurring on a weekly basis. Over the course of a few months, Canadian terrorist-poacher group Epic Meal Time has been using c o p i o u s a m o u n t s o f

animal-based meats in order to fulfill their s i c k , t w i s t e d fantasies. All m u c h k n o w about this awful d i s p l a y o f h u m a n i g n o r a n c e t o

our endangered animal friends, as opposed to v e g e t a b l e friends of whom ex-presidential candidate John McCain knows of very well. The extreme-terrorist-poacher organization, as we speak, is concocting a new plan to be

unveiled next Tuesday on their YouTube channel. Likely, it will be something of like evil to that of their notorious Thanksgiving creation which involved the creation of an unholy fusion between many an endangered beast. Brethren, we must band together to boycott

this travesty of obesity and extravagance. Just think about the blue-spotted dandy lynx.

Wouldn’t it do t h e s a m e f o r you? To answer that question for you, yes. Yes it would. So, be watchful on their channel, for on

T u e s d a y , w e s t r i k e ! B y watching with a raised brow!

Disclaimer: This article is terrible, but you should still watch Epic Meal Time! New

e p i s o d e s a r e every tuesday on their YouTube channel. Swag.

Luc Bettaieb ’12Beat Reporter

W e d n e s d a y a t approximately 7:45, Brad L e n k e r e c e i v e d a v e r y important phone call from the Erik Spoelstra, the head coach of the Miami Heat. Mr. Spoelstra informed Brad that

he was able to negotiate a deal with the NBA which allowed him to be drafted, months before the actual draft. “It came to my attention some time ago that we really needed a new center,” says Spoelstra, “but when one of my scouts saw the skill possessed by Mr. Lenke, we realized the true

problem lay, not with the players, but with our manager, Pat Riley. So I talked with our owner, M r . A r i s o n , a n d w e decided that we wanted

Bradley to be our new general

manager, as well as center.” Brad will be the first Priory student to start in the NBA. Not only this, but he will also be the first person in NBA history to be drafted outside the draft the first to function as both player and GM, and first 5'5” center in the league. “We could have just offered

him the job,” cites owner M i c k y A r i s o n , “ b u t considering his age we felt a draft was more appropriate. We're making a significant

investment here, but I believe it is the move is key for the future success of the team.” Brad will be receiving a salary of $400,000,000 (why make billions, when you can make millions, right?) per year,

which is eight times the salary of previous manager Pat Riley. LeBron James comments, “Simply by having Brad on the team, we are already miles ahead of the rest of the NBA. I believe Brad can carry this team to the top. We'll be the number one team in the NBA for years to come.”

In other news, general manager Pat Riley was mauled by a flock of squirrels a fortnight ago, finally getting what he deserves.

Xavier Bick ’12Draft Analyst

Over spring break, I travelled up

to New York City. I saw two Broadway

shows, “Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark”

and “How to Succeed in Business

Without Really Trying.” The main

reason that I wanted to see “How to

Succeed” was due to the fact that it stars

Daniel Radcliffe (a.k.a. Harry Potter)! I

would recommend this show to anyone.

Radcliffe plays a window washer who

wants to be part

of a big business.

He soon applies

for a job at World

W i d e W i c k e t s

headquarters. As

he works in this

b u i l d i n g , h e ’ s

f o l l o w i n g a n

instruction book

called: How to

S u c c e e d i n

Business Without

Really Trying .

As he follows this manual, he

moves up from the mailroom to

junior executive, to vice president

of advertising, and, finally, to the

vice president of the company. He

also shares a romance with a

secretary. Again, I truly would

recommend this show to anyone.

The music, dancing, and acting

were superb. If you are ever in New

York, please go see “How to

Succeed in Business Without Really

Trying.”

Friday, April 29, 2011Volume 41, Issue 24

EntertainmentThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

Priory Spring Choral Concert Amazes

The Kevin Klein Theater was

“standing room” only last Thursday for

the twelfth annual Spring Choral

Concert. Five separate choirs performed

(from the seventh grade, eighth grade,

freshman, sophomore, and junior

classes) all directed by Mr. Marting.

Each choir sang a variety of songs from

several different genres. A boisterous

round of applause followed each song,

with several groups receiving standing

ovations. Most notably, the soloists

performed spectacularly. The show even

included a guest performance by senior

cellist Richard Mazuski. For those of you

who did not attend the concert, you

missed out on the finest that Priory’s

music department has to offer. Finally,

the show closed with the traditional

singing of the school hymn: “God of

Great and God of Small.” Soloists

included:

Seventh Grade

Kyle Flores

Noah Van Bree

Connor Wright

Mitchell Schaedler

Eighth Grade

Alex Ayala

Patrick Lane

Nathan Walk (Piano)

Freshmen

Drew Callahan

Everett Zones

Chris Chivetta

Sophomores

Khaliq Snow

Ed Houser

Juniors

Andy Hernandez

Carter Gage

Andrew Rhodes

Ted Tooley

Paul Schulz

How to Succeed in Business (Without Really Trying)

Austin Krueger ’14Staff Writer

David Dobkowski ’16Staff Writer

Movies Coming Out Today

Fast Five - PG-13 AKA Fast & Furious 5 is a

street racing action film

directed by Justin Lin. Vin

Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock”

Johnson, and Ludacris are

among the members of the

group. Now backed into a

corner in Rio de Janeiro, they

must pull one last job in order

to gain their freedom.

Average Rating: 6.2/10

Hoodwinked Too!

Hood vs. Evil - PG From the team that brought

y o u H o o d w i n k e d , t h e

comedic portrayal of the fairy

tale Red Riding Hood, the

sequel finds the heroine Red

(Hayden Panettiere) training

with a mysterious covert

group called the Sisters of the

Hood.

Average Rating: 3.5/10

Prom - PG

Several intersecting stories

unfold at one high school as

the big dance apaproaches;

“ P r o m ” p o r t r a y s t h e

precarious passage from high

school to independence as

some relationships unravel

and others ignite.

Average Rating: 6.4/10

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night - PG-13

A new horror/comedy film

based on one of the world’s

most popular comics (60

million copies worldwide).

Dylan Dog is the famous

p r i v a t e i n v e s t i g a t o r

specializing in affairs of the

undead. “No Pulse? No

Problem.”

Average Rating: N/A

EntertainmentThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

Friday, April 29, 2011Volume 41, Issue 24

Cryptogram

- Walt Disney

Crossword PuzzleACROSS1. Feudal lord6. Proprietor11. 180° from NNW14. An analytic literary composition15. Hesitate16. Skillet17. Enforced19. Computer key20. Territories21. Bend23. Attack27. Laborer28. Nordic32. Preserves, as pork33. Take as one's own34. Pea container37. Website addresses38. Overact39. Seaweed40. Deli loaf41. Diving bird42. Braid43. Not liberal45. Pretense48. Worn away49. Prize

50. Unprecedented53. A scientific workplace54. Instructive60. Schuss61. Apostle Peter62. Humiliate63. Poetic time of day64. Piddle away65. Not dark

DOWN1. Floral necklace2. Any doctrine3. Extra Sensory Perception4. Girl5. What we blink6. Not closed7. Baton8. Cashews and pecans9. East southeast10. British soldier11. Incite12. Soothing ointment13. Come in18. French Sudan! 22. Ashes holder23. Ancient Assyrian city24. Frightening

25. French for "Room"26. Picnic insects27. Squeegee29. What we're called30. Sun-dried brick31. Elector34. Tartan35. Pointed arch36. Old hat38. Coastal raptor39. Countertenor41. A female deity! 42. Unfair43. Automobile44. Sleeveless garment45. Bogus46. Not asleep47. Log home50. Smoke51. Computer symbol52. South African monetary unit55. Downturn56. Japanese sash57. Henpeck58. Residue from a fire59. Permit

Word SearchWORDBANK

agent

argue

average

clean

dial

doubt

employment

environment

first

foreign

fridge

friends

gadget

idiot

lies

maiden

novice

pave

policy

president

ranch

rare

remove

resist

roam

sales

seen

stamp

standard

track

visa

voice

waiver

white

wound

wove

Sudokus

HARD

EASY

Friday, April 29, 2011Volume 41, Issue 24

SportsThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

AL MVPMiguel Cabrera 1B - Detroit Tigers

Despite his off-field problems, Cabrera is as consistent a performer as there is in the game.

Projected Stats:.317 Avg., 37 HR, 108 RBI

AL Cy YoungJered Weaver P - Los Angeles

AngelsHigh strikeout pitcher who has started out 2011 on fire.

Projected Stats:19-8 Record, 2.98 ERA, 232 IP, 228 K

AL Rookie of the YearJeremy Hellickson P - Tampa Bay RaysRays new number five starter will provide lots of strikeouts with a low ERA.

Projected Stats:14-7 Record, 3.32 ERA, 166 IP, 159 K

NL MVPTroy Tulowitzki SS - Colorado

RockiesHits for power and average, a rarity for a shortstop.

Projected Stats:.308 Avg., 32 HR, 94 RBI, 21 SB

NL Cy YoungRoy Halladay P - Philadelphia

PhilliesDefending Cy Young award winner is starting hot again in ’11.

Projected Stats:20-9 Record, 2.43 ERA, 242 IP, 233 K

NL Rookie of the YearBrandon Belt 1B - San Francisco

GiantsHigh average stud who will hit for some power too.

Projected Stats:.301 Avg., 17 HR, 88 RBI

Thomas Burton ’13Sports Writer

2011 MLB Predictions

Jered Weaver is the fastest to reach a 6-0 start in MLB history.

NBA Playoff Predictions

Eastern Conference Finals

For the Eastern Conference Final Series I have the Chicago Bulls pitted against the Boston Celtics. Boston will beat out Miami because they actually have chemistry, unlike the Heat who just give it to Wade and James and tell them to go score. The Celtics also have experience in the Finals that most of the Heat, except for Dwayne Wade, do not have. Even though Wade won it back in 2006, the Celtics won it more recently in 2008 and they have basically the same exact team as they did three years ago. I predict that the Celtics will beat out the Bulls in six games. Even though Derrick Rose will be the best player on the floor,

Doc Rivers will be specifically working with the defense on stopping his penetration into the lane. Also, Boston has a starting line-up that offers a variety of skills, each contributing in a different way to the team’s success. You can expect to see a confident Celtics team going to the NBA Finals.

Western Conference Finals

In the West I have the Oklahoma City Thunder facing off against the LA Lakers. Although the Spurs will advance to the quarterfinals, they will be a confused team trying to beat a powerful and confident Thunder team led by Kevin Durant. And even though the Lakers are struggling against the Hornets, they are the most experienced team in the playoffs and will run over an exhausted Portland team. The Lakers

will end up advancing to the NBA Finals for the fourth

year in a row because they are a consistent team under a phenomenal coach Phil Jackson, who has won 11 championships as a coach (not to mention another two when he played for the Knicks back in the 70’s). Not to mention that the Lakers have one of the best and most clutch playoff performers of all-time, Kobe Bryant, who has 5 rings and averages 25.5 PPG in the playoffs.

The Finals

In 2011 hopefully we will once again see the Boston and LA rivalry. Right now Boston has 17 championships and LA is only one short, so they would be looking to tie for the most NBA championships. The Lakers would also be looking for revenge from the 2008 Finals, when Boston defeated them 4 games to 2. I will

predict the winner in a later article.

Peter Cogan ’13Sports Writer

VS.

THE RECORD - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

500 S. Mason Road, Creve Coeur, MO 63141 314.434.3690 ext. 221 theprioryrecord@gmail.com

Editor in Chief: Luke D. Slabaugh, ’12 Layout Editor: Trevor Jin, ’12 Content Editor: Jack O’Brien, ’12 Moderator: Matthew L. Barrett

The Record WeeklyThe Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

Friday, April 29, 2011Volume 41, Issue 24

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011 will be a night forever remembered as legend in The

Pageant’s history. The small music venue off Delmar and Skinker Blvd played host to arguably one of the world’s best live acts, hard rock band Queens of the Stone Ag.e. This marked the band’s first appearance at The Pageant since 2002, when 4/5 of the band was comprised of different members. The quintet decided to reunite in early 2011 after separating into their own side-projects, in order to re-release their 1998 self-titled record which is currently out of print. Casual fans or complete strangers to the band were in for a surprise, for on this tour the Queens’ main set list would be comprised only of songs from this self-titled record. After an excellent performance by opening act The Dough Rollers and after illness nearly prompted vocalist Joshua Homme to cancel the show, the band took the stage to a sellout audience. Without even greeting or acknowledging the crowd, the band launched into their first two numbers, “Regular John” and up-tempo “Avon.” The crowd sang along to the melodic “If Only”. Glow sticks that were dangling from the ceiling (and oft interfering with sauntering frontman Homme, whacking him on the head much to his displeasure) started radiating multiple colors in the trance-like, robotic grooves of “Walkin On The Sidewalks”. Before he began to play the opening riff of single “How To Handle A Rope,” Homme called out the crowd, jesting, “You guys don’t like to dance. You like to watch, like voyeurs” which prompted much thrashing and dancing for the next few numbers. Other highlights included the laid back “I Was A Teenage Hand

Model,” a jam-filled “Mexicola” and 10+ minute-long chaos that is “You Can’t Quit Me, Baby.” T h e n i g h t w a s filled with constant head-banging and fist pumping, f rom a crowd rather ignorant of the band’s set list. However, the band came back for a 5-song encore, playing some of their well-known anthems, i n c l u d i n g “ B u r n T h e Witch” and “Little Sister”. Homme curtly thanked the audience for coming out and “going with the flow” before they broke out into their final song of the same name (hit single “Go With The Flow”) and e x i t e d t h e p r e m i s e s , despite the crowd’s roars for more.

Luke D Slabaugh ’12Editor-in-Chief

Queens of the Stone Age Rock The Pageant Again

SetlistRegular John

Avon

If Only

Walkin’ On The Sidewalks

You Would Know

How To Handle A Rope

Mexicola

Hispanic Impressions

The Bronze

Give The Mule What He Wants

I Was A Teenage Hand Model

You Can’t Quit Me, Baby

*Encore*

Long Slow Goodbye

Burn The Witch

Little Sister

Make It Wit Chu

Go With The Flow