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By Eddie McPherson

© Copyright 2017, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

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RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

WIZARD OF OZ: THE DELETED SCENE

By EDDIE MCPHERSON

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

DOROTHY ...........................meek farm girl from Kansas 152FARMER ..............................has crow problem 38WIFE ..................................Farmer’s spouse 19SNICKER BIRD ....................giant, colorful bird under a spell 18RAVEN ................................giant, black bird under a spell 6CROW .................................another 40GLINDA ...............................sassy diva on a mission 160TINSMITH ...........................Tin Man’s creator 28APPRENTICE .......................Tinsmith’s assistant 3WEST .................................wicked witch thereof 109ARMY BIRD ONE..................a soldier in West’s flying army 21ARMY BIRD TWO .................another 5GLINDALINA ........................Glinda’s faithless apprentice 21GRETEL ..............................vacationer in Oz; hates witches 15HANSEL ..............................another; Gretel’s brother 10REPORTER ..........................Munchkin reporter 8CAMERA PERSON ................reporter’s assistant 2MUNCHKIN ONE ..................Dorothy admirer 6MUNCHKIN TWO..................another 3TOTO ..................................Dorothy’s growling, growing dog 14JACK ..................................Glinda’s eager ally 4JILL ....................................another 11RED ...................................advocate for courage 18POLICE ...............................Munchkin police officer 35WITCH DOCTOR ...................the wrong kind of witch doctor 5HUSBAND ...........................Munchkin father-to-be 2

GLINDALINA first appears in a dress like GLINDA’S, then WEST’S, and finally DOROTHY’S.

REPORTER, CAMERA PERSON, MUNCHKINS ONE and TWO, and POLICE should wear clothes that are too small for them since the short spell has been broken, and they are regular-sized people now.

For BIRDS and TOTO, only suggestions of their animal characteristics are necessary and do not require fully realized animal costumes. SNICKER BIRD must have a yellow chest.

JACK, JILL, HANSEL, GRETEL, and RED should dress like their storybook characters.

WITCH DOCTOR can wear any sort of large headdress with feathers, blossoms, twigs, etc.

FLEXIBLE CASTING NOTEThe roles of SNICKER BIRD, CROW, RAVEN, APPRENTICE, ARMY BIRDS, REPORTER, CAMERA PERSON, MUNCHKINS, TOTO, POLICE, and WITCH DOCTOR can be played either male or female.

The following parts only appear in one or two scenes so can be easily doubled or tripled for a smaller cast: SNICKER BIRD, RAVEN, CROW, APPRENTICE, ARMY BIRDS, HANSEL, GRETEL, REPORTER, CAMERA PERSON, MUNCHKINS, TOTO, JACK, JILL, RED, POLICE, WITCH DOCTOR, and HUSBAND.

Here are some roles that could be most easily doubled or tripled to reduce the cast size to fifteen:

CROW/RAVENSNICKER BIRD/ARMY BIRD ONEAPPRENTICE/CAMERA PERSON/POLICEREPORTER/WITCH DOCTORMUNCHKIN ONE AND MUNCHKIN TWO/JACK AND JILLGRETEL/REDHANSEL/WITCH DOCTORARMY BIRD TWO/TOTO/HUSBAND

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SETTING

Time: Once upon a time, soon after a certain house landed on a certain witch.

Place: The yellow brick road between Munchkin Land and the farmer’s cornfield.

SET DESCRIPTIONThe stage depicts a section of yellow brick road leading from Munchkin Land OFF LEFT to the Farmer’s cornfield OFF RIGHT. The road is lined with trees, and just the edge of the cornfield is showing RIGHT. There is a tree stump UP CENTER.

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE

Tree stump.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONBasket with small stuffed dog, scissors, red ribbons, vitamins, girdle

(DOROTHY)Whistle on a string, burlap sack, butterfly net (WIFE)Ear of corn, folded map, scarecrow head (FARMER) Glittery wand, small spray bottle, burlap sack (GLINDA)Tin can with a string (TINSMITH)Broom, rubber ball, small stuffed dog, Hansel and Gretel’s two water

pistols, crystal ball (WEST)Banana, basket with a stuffed cat, a handheld mirror, an apple, and the

map (GLINDALINA) Two colorful water pistols (HANSEL & GRETEL)Microphone (REPORTER)Video camera (CAMERA PERSON)Water bottle (TOTO)Autograph book, pen (MUNCHKIN ONE)Pail with confetti (JILL)Basket with teddy bear, brochure, list of names (RED)Pill bottle (WITCH DOCTOR)Tin can with a string (HUSBAND)

SOUND EFFECTSCanned applause, phone ringing, canned boos.

TOTO Toto is a stuffed animal in this play except for one scene when the dog is played by an actor. When the stuffed animal Toto barks or growls, this should be voiced from offstage by the actor playing Toto.

COSTUME SUGGESTIONSDOROTHY wears her traditional dress and shoes. GLINDA dons a tiara and an old-fashioned prom dress, the fluffier the better—especially the sleeves. WEST wears a witch’s traditional black robe and hat, with green makeup.

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DOROTHY ENTERS LEFT, holding a basket with a stuffed dog inside.DOROTHY: (Skips and sings to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”)

Skip, skip, skip alongThe shiny brick of gold.Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,To the wizard we’ll go.Skip, skip, skip along— (Stops short as the stuffed dog “TOTO” barks. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) What’s that, Toto? (TOTO barks.) Yes, I realize that’s a cheesy song, but I’m not allowed to sing the more popular, well-known tune because it would be copyright infringement. (Waves and speaks OFF LEFT.) Thank you for all your help, little people! (Points.) This yellow brick road here, right? (Nods.) Okay, bye now! (To TOTO.) Well, Toto, our journey begins. (TOTO barks.) Yes, those people were quite short, but very helpful. (Searches the sky.) I must remember to keep out of sight of that wicked green woman. Miss Glinda the Good was nice, though. I just loved her dress. (Stretches.) I am so very tired from the ride on that cyclone. (Sees tree stump.) This looks like a good place to rest a moment before we continue our journey. (Turns and dusts off the seat. CROW runs ON RIGHT, stops, looks around, and runs OFF LEFT. DOROTHY doesn’t see him. FARMER and WIFE run ON RIGHT and look around.)

FARMER: Where did he go? (Shouts.) Hey, Crow, you better get back here!WIFE: (Shouts.) You can’t run forever!DOROTHY: (Straightens up and approaches them.) Good morning.FARMER: (Gruff.) Who are you?DOROTHY: Dorothy Gale from Kansas.FARMER: Where in the world is Kansas?DOROTHY: Why, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump from—FARMER: I don’t care. Did you happen to see a giant crow run

through here?DOROTHY: Well…WIFE: (Holds her hand up.) He’s about this high and covered with

black feathers.DOROTHY: Well…FARMER: That crow will not stay out of my cornfield!DOROTHY: Well…WIFE: It’s that dadgum spell the Wicked Witch put the birds under.DOROTHY: Spell?

GLINDA: (Puts her arm around DOROTHY.) Sweet, little, innocent, naïve, and meek Dorothy Gale.

DOROTHY: Yes, Miss Glinda?GLINDA: (Looks around to make sure no one is listening.) Listen, my

little pumpkin. No one has to know about any of this, do they? I mean, if word gets out that I have been a grouchy diva this whole time, my sweet and charming reputation could be tarnished forever.

DOROTHY: Well, now that you mention it, I guess it could at that.GLINDA: I tell you what. I can zap the memories of everyone involved

in this little episode, but as long as you’re wearing those slippers, I can’t use my magic on you. What I’m trying to ask is…

DOROTHY: What you’re trying to ask is would I keep everything that happened this morning to myself?

GLINDA: (Pats her head.) You are a smart little farm girl.DOROTHY: Don’t worry, Miss Glinda. Your secret is safe with me.GLINDA: That is a relief. (Realizes.) Oh dear, I just thought of something.

I sent the Farmer, the Tinsmith, and Little Red off to… I tell you what, before you get going, I’ve got to go ahead of you and make sure everything is as it should be for the story to work. Don’t start until I call you on the tin can. Say you promise?

DOROTHY: I promise. Oh, I’m so happy I could click my heels together three times—

GLINDA: No, don’t do that! Don’t be clicking any heels together just yet. Got it?

DOROTHY: (Taken aback.) Uh, yes, ma’am.GLINDA: Goodbye, Dorothy Gale. See you in a little while! (Shouts OFF

RIGHT.) Hey, farmer man! Get rid of that sack of brains and put the head back on that scarecrow! Pronto! (Runs OFF RIGHT.)

CROW: Dorothy? (Holds up the whistle.) How does this contraption work?DOROTHY: It’s quite simple. You merely put it up to your lips like this.

(Blows it. The WIFE runs ON RIGHT, holding a butterfly net.)WIFE: Where?! Where is that crow?CROW: (Throws up his arms and starts to run.) Ah! (Still yelling, he makes

a U-turn and runs to DOROTHY.) Bye, Dorothy! Ah! (Runs OFF LEFT.)WIFE: I’ve got him this time. Get back here, you pesky crow! Bye,

Dottie! (Runs OFF LEFT.)DOROTHY: (Shouts OFF LEFT.) It’s Dorothy! Bye! Sorry, Crow! (Sighs.)

My, Toto, it’s clear we’re not in Kansas anymore. (SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGING.) Oh, it’s the tin can ringing. (Puts the tin can to her ear.) Hello? Oh, hello again, Miss Glinda. What’s that? You

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FARMER: The birds of Oz are under a spell of the Wicked Witch of the West. That crow is now man-sized and keeps knocking down my prize-winning scarecrow.

DOROTHY: I’m sure that’s annoying.FARMER: (Stares at DOROTHY, impatient.) Who are you?DOROTHY: Dorothy Gale from Kansas.FARMER: Where’s Kansas?DOROTHY: Just a hop, skip—WIFE: (Interrupts DOROTHY and slaps FARMER on the arm.) Never

mind. (To DOROTHY.) Cornelius is bound and determined to catch that bird and bake him in a pie.

DOROTHY: Crow pie? Oh my, we would never eat such a thing where I’m from.

FARMER: And where is that?DOROTHY: Kansas.FARMER: Where’s Kansas?DOROTHY: Just a hop—WIFE: Anyway, Dorothy, if you happen to see that oversized bird,

could you give a little whistle on this? (Hands DOROTHY a whistle on a string.)

FARMER: Just blow that there whistle, and we’ll come running real quick-like. I plan to catch me that giant crow before nightfall.

DOROTHY: But I won’t be staying around that long. I’m on my way to the Emerald City to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz so he can send me back to my humble dwelling.

FARMER: (Ignores her.) So… (Hands her an ear of corn.) …what you will do is set this bait out on the yellow brick road, and when the crow comes out to eat it, you blow the whistle and we come running.

DOROTHY: (Examines the whistle.) But won’t the whistle scare the crow away?

FARMER: (To WIFE.) You can tell she’s a foreigner.WIFE: (To DOROTHY.) The crow won’t hear the whistle. Every creature

in Oz can hear it but crows.DOROTHY: (Marvels.) Oh, my. Well, like I said before, I would love to

help you out, but I have this journey—FARMER: Journey, schmerney. I’m telling you we need your help. (Beat.

An idea.) Wait a minute! I have just the thing you need.DOROTHY: Whatever do you mean, Mr. Farmer and Wife? Are you

saying you have just the thing to take away my strife?FARMER: What’s with the rhyming?

DOROTHY: The shortcut! It doesn’t show how to get to the Emerald City to see the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. It shows how to get to the Sandstone Village to see the Mediocre Wizard of the South Swamp!

GLINDA: (Perks up.) What? (Grabs the map.) Let me see that. (Reads.) “The Mediocre Wizard of the South Swamp. He may not be able to grant wishes, but he performs a mean card trick. Free night’s lodging with attached coupon.”

WEST: (To herself.) I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.DOROTHY: I never thought to actually look at the map before now.

(Slaps herself on the forehead.) Silly me.GLINDA: Yay! This means you will have to follow the yellow brick

road after all. You’ll meet your friends, have a fantastic journey, and most importantly, I will become the famous witch I’ve always dreamed of!

WEST: Fine! And I will become the most powerful witch whether her three freaky friends help her out or not! (Waves her arms.) Birds of the air, my flying army—oh, what the heck? Hermy!

ARMY BIRD ONE: (Marches ON RIGHT.) You called, Your Evilness?WEST: Where were you?ARMY BIRD ONE: Over there talking to Myrtle.WEST: Who the heck is this Myrtle you keep talking about?ARMY BIRD ONE: Oh, Myrtle is a monkey friend of mine. Since I can’t

fly anymore, she’s teaching me how to swing from trees.WEST: (Looks up.) You mean there are monkeys in this part of Oz?ARMY BIRD ONE: Yes, ma’am, the trees are full of them.WEST: (Rubs her chin.) You don’t say. I just got the best idea of my

wicked career. Army Bird, you’re fired!ARMY BIRD ONE: Fired? But I’m the only one who stuck with you till

the end!WEST: (Shrugs.) They don’t call me the Wicked Witch for nothing.

(Turns and yells OFF RIGHT.) Oh, Myrtle, I need to see you! ARMY BIRD ONE: But wait! If you leave me, where will I go? What will

I do?WEST: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a—GLINDA: West, please. This is a family show. (WEST laughs a wicked

laugh and runs OFF RIGHT.)ARMY BIRD ONE: Come back! I love you! (Runs OFF RIGHT after her.)DOROTHY: Well, Miss Glinda, I’m sorry to have caused you so

much grief.

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WIFE: This is Oz, honey. Not Whoville.FARMER: The Munchkins told you about the Emerald City, right?DOROTHY: Right.FARMER: But did they tell you about the… (Looks around to make

sure no one hears him.) …shortcut?DOROTHY: Shortcut? To the Emerald City?WIFE: It’s a shortcut the Munchkins don’t know about. (FARMER holds

up a folded map.)DOROTHY: Whatever do you have there?WIFE: The only map in existence that shows you the shortcut to the

Emerald City.DOROTHY: Thank you ever so much. (Reaches for the map, but

FARMER snatches it away.)FARMER: Wait a minute. There’s a catch.DOROTHY: A couch?FARMER: A catch.DOROTHY: Cash?FARMER: Catch. Catch! Geez! While you’re there, maybe ask the

wizard for a hearing aid?WIFE: (Scolds him.) Cornelius. (To DOROTHY.) What he means is that

if you want the map, you’ll have to do something for us in return.FARMER: I’ll give you the map, but only if you help me trap that

giant crow.WIFE: Then you can get back home in time to do whatever it is farm

girls do out in the middle of nowhere.FARMER: Remember, as soon as you see that giant crow, blow the

whistle. Got it?DOROTHY: Got it.WIFE: Pinky promise? (Holds out her pinky.)DOROTHY: Pinky promise. (They hook pinkies.)FARMER: Let’s go, dear.WIFE: Nice to have met you, Dottie. (FARMER and WIFE EXIT RIGHT.)DOROTHY: (As they leave.) It’s Dorothy! And bye! (To TOTO.) My, Toto,

they sure seem anxious to catch that giant crow. I hope he only eats corn and not sweet little girls and ugly little dogs. (TOTO growls.) I mean cute little dogs. Let’s see, the farmer said to set the corn out… (Places the ear of corn on the ground.) …and when the crow comes to eat it, I blow into the magic whistle. (Puts the whistle around her neck.) Toto, help me keep an eye out for that giant crow.

DOROTHY: (Now just speaking lines.) Am I going to sit here all day, or is someone helping me up?

WEST: Glindalina, help the brat, so she’ll shut up.POLICE: Now from this point, I want the action to move in slow motion.

(Demonstrates, elongating every word.) Talk slowly. Move slowly. CROW: And… action.GLINDALINA: (Speaks in a low, slow voice and moves very slowly as she

helps DOROTHY up.) “Glindalina, do this. Glindalina, do that.” I am sick and tired of being a lowly assistant. (Reaches inside DOROTHY’S basket, makes a fist, and then puts her fist in her own basket.)

POLICE: Stop! Did you see it? While helping Dorothy up, Glindalina took the map out of Dorothy’s basket and put it in her own basket. It was clear as day. (CROW nods behind POLICE in agreement.)

WEST: (To GLINDALINA.) Land sakes alive, child, let us see the basket. A-ha! (Holds up the map.) No wonder you started carrying that basket.

DOROTHY: (Points to GLINDALINA.) Why did you take the map?GLINDALINA: Because I am tired of being nothing but a lowly assistant.

I took the map so I could quickly sneak off to the wizard disguised as the farm girl and ask him to make me a full-blown witch.

WEST: You’re fired!POLICE: Not only are you fired, but you’re also under arrest for

theft and impersonating a humble naïve farm girl with an ugly little dog. (TOTO growls.) Let’s go, criminal. (Starts to EXIT LEFT with GLINDALINA.)

GLINDALINA: Miss Glinda, is this a good time to ask for my old job back? (EXITS LEFT with POLICE.)

WEST: Well, Dorothy, you have your map, now be on your way.GLINDA: (Sits and sings in a low voice.) Nobody knows the trouble

I’ve seen…DOROTHY: (To CROW.) Okay well, goodbye, Crow, I will miss you ever

so much.CROW: Thank you for not turning me in to the grouchy farmer.DOROTHY: Here. (Puts the whistle around his neck.) Take this to

remember me by.CROW: I’ll keep it forever.WEST: (Pushes her.) Blah, blah, blah. Get going. Get going!DOROTHY: (Opens the map and traces a line with her finger. CROW

follows along.) Let’s see. The map says, “You are here.” I take the shortcut across this wooden bridge to—oh, no!

WEST: What’s the matter now?

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SNICKER BIRD: (From OFF LEFT.) Ready or not, here I come! (Runs ON LEFT, darting and looking from one side of the stage to the other. Suddenly, to DOROTHY.) Did you happen to see a big funny-looking bird run through here?

DOROTHY: No, giant colorful bird, just you.SNICKER BIRD: (Looks around.) She’s always been a good hider.DOROTHY: Wait a minute, you must be—don’t move! (Blows the whistle.)FARMER: (Runs ON RIGHT.) Where? Where is he? Where’s that crow?DOROTHY: He’s standing right beside you!SNICKER BIRD: What’s going on around here?FARMER: (Looks SNICKER BIRD up and down.) That? That’s not the

giant crow!SNICKER BIRD: Crow? (To DOROTHY.) You think I’m a crow?DOROTHY: (To FARMER.) But it’s a bird. And it’s big.FARMER: Silly girl! Because of the wicked witch’s spell, all birds in

this part of Oz are big.SNICKER BIRD: (Offended.) I can’t believe you thought I was a crow.FARMER: (Points his finger in DOROTHY’S face.) Now, I’ll give you one

last chance with that whistle. If you mess up, you’ll never get this map!

DOROTHY: Yes, sir. I mean no, sir. I won’t mess up again, sir. (FARMER stomps OFF RIGHT.)

SNICKER BIRD: Wow, he’s really upset.DOROTHY: He loves his prize-winning scarecrow.SNICKER BIRD: (Sarcastic.) Ya think?DOROTHY: I’m supposed to blow this whistle when I see the crow that

knocked it over.SNICKER BIRD: Well, you can plainly see that I’m no crow. I’m a

proud, red-breasted snicker-snock.DOROTHY: Did you say you were a red-breasted snicker-snock?SNICKER BIRD: That’s right.DOROTHY: But your breast is yellow.SNICKER BIRD: That’s okay. I’m color-blind.DOROTHY: Oh. (Beat.) Anyway, if I help capture the crow, the farmer

will give me a map of a shortcut to the Emerald City.SNICKER BIRD: Nice. Well, it was good to meet you. (Shouts through

his hands.) Okay, Raven, I give up! I can’t find you!RAVEN: (Runs ON RIGHT.) You give up too easily, Snicker Bird.

DOROTHY: Look, she’s dressed like me!WEST: What are you doing in that getup?GLINDALINA: Nothing much. Just out for a leisurely stroll with my pet

kitty-cat, Too-too. Well, goodbye everyone! (Starts to EXIT RIGHT.)GLINDA: (Grabs her elbow.) Get back here!GLINDALINA: Mind your own business! Can’t you see I’m in a hurry?POLICE: (Stands in her way.) I hereby order you to take part in our

little re-enactment. CROW: (Pleads.) Come on, it’ll be fun. GLINDALINA: Well, all right. But can we please make it quick? I’m

losing precious daylight.POLICE: Take it from Dorothy falling to the ground.DOROTHY: I have to fall again?POLICE: (Impatient.) Places!JACK: Miss Glinda, we’re here!JILL: How can we help you, Your Goodness?WEST: (Still pulls the basket. Unenthused.) What are you two brats

doing here?GLINDA: (Still pulls the basket. Unenthused.) I called them on the tin can. WEST: (Lets go of the basket, causing DOROTHY to fall. Points to JILL.)

What do you have in that pail, you little brat?JILL: Fresh water from the well.WEST: How dare you bring a bucket of water so close to my wickedness.DOROTHY: Am I going to sit here all day, or is someone helping

me up?WEST: Glindalina, help the brat, so she will shut up.GLINDALINA: “Glindalina do this. Glindalina do that.” I am sick and

tired of being a lowly assistant. (Helps DOROTHY up.) There, are you happy?

DOROTHY: Thank you ever so mu—POLICE: Stop right there. Ladies and gentlemen, I have solved

the mystery.DOROTHY: You have?POLICE: Dorothy, get back on the ground.DOROTHY: Again?POLICE: Now!DOROTHY: Okie dokie. (DOROTHY falls.)POLICE: Take it from Dorothy’s line, “Am I going to sit here all day?”

And… action!

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DOROTHY: (Excited, points and grabs the whistle.) It’s the crow! (Starts to blow the whistle, but SNICKER BIRD stops her.)

SNICKER BIRD: No, don’t!DOROTHY: I have to, I pinky promised!SNICKER BIRD: But she’s not a crow!DOROTHY: Yes, she is! She’s the big, giant crow that has been seen

in the farmer’s cornfield!SNICKER BIRD: She’s not a crow. She’s a raven.RAVEN: That’s right. I’m a raven. My name is even Raven. Raven

the raven.DOROTHY: You sure look like a crow.SNICKER BIRD: Show her your bill. (RAVEN does.) See, her bill is

bigger and thicker than a crow’s. Show her your tail. (RAVEN does.) See, her tail is wedge-shaped. Let her hear your voice.

RAVEN: (Deep voice.) Rok! Rok!SNICKER BIRD: See? She says “Rok! Rok!” A crow says “Caw! Caw!”RAVEN: That’s right. (Deep voice.) Rok! Rok!DOROTHY: I see. Well, I’m sorry if I interrupted your fun.SNICKER BIRD: (Turns to RAVEN.) Hey, where were you hiding, anyway?RAVEN: Behind that tree over there. Your turn to hide!SNICKER BIRD: Okay. Bye, Dottie! (Runs OFF LEFT.)DOROTHY: It’s Dorothy! Bye, Snicker Bird.RAVEN: (Closes her eyes.) One, two, three, four, five. Ready or not, here

I come! Bye, Dottie! (Runs OFF LEFT.)DOROTHY: Dorothy! (Waves.) Bye! (To TOTO.) My, Toto, Oz is such

an interesting place. (CROW sneezes OFF LEFT.) What was that? (Another sneeze.) Hello? Is someone there?

CROW: (From OFF LEFT.) No! (Sneezes again.)DOROTHY: Come out, come out, whoever you are!CROW: (From OFF LEFT.) I’m afraid.DOROTHY: There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s just me and my ugly

little dog. (TOTO growls.) I mean, my cute little dog.CROW: (From OFF LEFT.) If I come out, are you going to blow that whistle?DOROTHY: Of course not. I promise. (CROW slowly steps ON LEFT.)

You’re the crow! (Starts to blow the whistle.)CROW: (Runs over and stops her.) You promised!DOROTHY: But you’re the crow!CROW: It was an accident. I didn’t mean to knock the scarecrow

over. Honest!

POLICE: Excellent! That’s where we will begin our re-enactment.GLINDA: I won’t do it.POLICE: If you don’t, you will be arrested, which means you’ll have

to give up your gown and wear nothing but black-and-white striped pajamas.

GLINDA: (Beat.) Where do you want me to stand for this re-enactment?DOROTHY: Wait a minute. I just remembered that Jack and Jill were

here for this part.POLICE: (Shouts OFF RIGHT.) Hey! Send out the kids with the pail!JILL: (Runs ON RIGHT with JACK.) You called, sir?POLICE: We’re re-enacting your first entrance. Places!JILL: (Curtseys.) Yes, sir. (EXITS LEFT with JACK as ALL place themselves

as before. CROW shadows POLICE à la stage assistant.)POLICE: And action!GLINDA: (Runs and grabs DOROTHY’S basket. Dramatic.) Dorothy, no!

You must take the long road. (Pushes her STAGE RIGHT.)WEST: (Also grabs DOROTHY’S basket. Dramatic.) Dorothy, you’re going

this way!GLINDA: (Pulls the basket.) This way!WEST: (Pulls the basket.) This way!DOROTHY: (Dramatic.) Oh, my! (The WITCHES pull DOROTHY back and

forth like a rag doll.) Please stop! You’re pulling my dainty little frame apart. (JACK and JILL run ON RIGHT. JILL carries her pail.)

JACK: Miss Glinda, we’re here!JILL: How can we help you, Your Goodness?WEST: (Still pulls the basket, to JACK and JILL.) What are you two brats

doing here?GLINDA: (Lets go of the basket.) I called them on the tin can.WEST: (Lets go of the basket, causing DOROTHY to fall. Points to JILL.)

What do you have in that pail, you little brat?JILL: Fresh water from the well.WEST: How dare you bring a bucket of water so close to my wickedness!DOROTHY: Am I going to sit here all day, or is someone helping me up?WEST: Glindalina, help the brat, so she will shut up.GLINDA: (Breaks character.) Wait a minute! We’re missing someone.

Glindalina isn’t here.POLICE: (Shouts OFF RIGHT.) Send in Glindalina! GLINDALINA: (ENTERS RIGHT, dressed like DOROTHY. She holds the

same basket, but with a stuffed cat inside.) What do you want?

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DOROTHY: (Ponders.) I’m going to blow the whistle. (Starts to blow the whistle.)

CROW: (Stops her.) No! Listen to me for just a minute. I was trying to rest on the scarecrow’s shoulder, but because I’ve grown so big, I accidentally knocked it over. We’re under a spell conjured by the wicked witch. Her magic has caused all the birds in Oz to grow human-sized.

DOROTHY: But why would she do that?CROW: Rumor has it she’s trying to build an army of flying creatures

so she can overthrow Glinda the Good.DOROTHY: Really?!CROW: Yes, and now that the other wicked witch is dead—DOROTHY: Yes, my house fell on her.CROW: Good shot.DOROTHY: Thank you.CROW: Now that she’s dead, there is only Glinda the Good and the

Wicked Witch of the West left. Speaking of Miss Glinda, here she comes now! (GLINDA rushes ON LEFT, carrying her glittery wand. SOUND EFFECT: CANNED APPLAUSE. GLINDA hears the applause, stops quickly, turns to the audience, and curtseys, smiling. SOUND FADES OUT and GLINDA’S smile disappears.)

GLINDA: (Continues to DOROTHY, angry.) Dorothy!DOROTHY: Hello again, Miss Glinda.GLINDA: Don’t “hello” me, young lady. What do you think you’re doing?DOROTHY: I beg your pardon?GLINDA: You should have met the scarecrow by now.DOROTHY: The scarecrow?GLINDA: Stop playing innocent. What are you trying to do to me? I

come to you in Munchkin Land, in my own private bubble, to guide you on your journey to the wizard. You should have been halfway to the Emerald City by now!

DOROTHY: I’m sorry! You see, a farmer and his wife asked me to help him catch this crow—

GLINDA: Dorothy, I asked you to do one simple thing. All you had to do was stay on the yellow brick road until you arrived at the Emerald City.

DOROTHY: But the farmer told me about a shortcut to the Emerald City.GLINDA: (Shocked.) Shortcut? To the Emerald City? No! Bad, Dorothy,

bad! (Points to the ground.) Now there’s the brick road that leads you right beside that farmer’s cornfield where you will meet a zany,

WITCH DOCTOR: You’re not? (Turns to CROW.) Crow, you must have dialed the wrong number. I’m a baby doctor. But since I’m here, I must say, Miss Glinda, that you look quite stressed. (Takes out a pill bottle.) This will make you feel better. Open your mouth. (GLINDA does. WITCH DOCTOR pops a pretend pill into GLINDA’S mouth, causing GLINDA to cough and gag. SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGING.)

CROW: I’ll get it. (Speaks into the tin can.) Hello? Yes, right here. It’s for you, Doc.

WITCH DOCTOR: (Into the can.) Hello? Doctor speaking.HUSBAND: (Steps ON LEFT, holding a tin can to his ear and facing the

AUDIENCE.) Thank goodness I found you. You must hurry over, Doc. My wife is having a baby!

WITCH DOCTOR: Is this her first child?HUSBAND: No, this is her husband.WITCH DOCTOR: Boil some water. I’m on my way. (Drops the can and

runs OFF LEFT as the HUSBAND EXITS LEFT.)DOROTHY: (Calls after WITCH DOCTOR.) Thank you, funny-looking witch

doctor! How are you feeling, Miss Glinda?GLINDA: (Dreamy.) You know, I feel as though I could fly away in a

thousand bubbles and leave my worries behind.DOROTHY: The witch doctor helped you after all! (Sighs.) Well, it’s

clear to see we’re not going to find the map, so I’m going with the original plan, which is to follow the yellow brick road, see the wizard, and get the heck out of Dodge! Let’s go, Toto.

POLICE: Wait a minute!DOROTHY: (Turns sharply.) What do you want?POLICE: (Stern.) Could you ask that again without the attitude?DOROTHY: Sorry. (Smiles.) What do you want?POLICE: I have one last idea on how we might find the shortcut map.GLINDA: (To POLICE.) Didn’t you hear what Dorothy said? Are you

deaf? Do you have cotton stuffed in your ears? Is your hearing aid turned off? She’s taking the yellow brick road, so just let it go.

WEST: (Sarcastic.) Well, she’s back to normal.POLICE: (Ignores WITCHES.) We will re-enact the moment just before

the map disappeared. Miss Dorothy, you said Crow snuck the map from a distracted Miss Glinda and then you placed it in your basket. (CROW mimes how he moved the map.)

DOROTHY: That’s right. Then my Toto came in as a giant dog, the wicked green woman shrunk him back down to size, and she and Miss Glinda pulled me in two directions.

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colorful character hanging on a pole, and you will take him with you, and… and… Oh my, I’ve said too much. Dorothy, just do as I ask, please? (Starts to stomp OFF LEFT when SOUND EFFECT: CANNED APPLAUSE. She stops short, turns to the audience, and curtseys, smiling. SOUND FADES OUT. Smile fades and she quickly EXITS LEFT.)

DOROTHY: (To TOTO.) That’s odd, Toto. Why wouldn’t Miss Glinda want us to take the shortcut to the Emerald City?

CROW: Dorothy, I’ve been thinking. Because you protected me from the farmer and his wife, I’m going to help you get that map without having to catch me.

DOROTHY: But the angry farmer man won’t give it to me now that I didn’t help him trap you.

CROW: I have a plan. You wait here. (Runs OFF RIGHT.)DOROTHY: Oh my, it’s getting so late, Toto. I wonder what time the

Emerald City closes. (TINSMITH and APPRENTICE rush ON LEFT.)TINSMITH: (Upset.) If told you once, I told you a hundred times—

always lock the door!APPRENTICE: I’m sorry, sir. It will never happen again, sir.TINSMITH: There’s no telling where he is by now.DOROTHY: (Approaches TINSMITH.) Excuse me, do you know what

time the Emerald City closes?TINSMITH: (Ignores her. To APPRENTICE.) If we don’t find him by

nightfall, it’s your head that’s going to roll.APPRENTICE: I’m sorry—TINSMITH: I don’t want to hear about how sorry you are. That tin man

was my prize creation!DOROTHY: (Curtseys.) I’m Dorothy Gale from Kansas.TINSMITH: (Turns to her, sharply.) I don’t remember asking. (Takes out

a tin can with a string attached.) Here it is. I knew it was around here somewhere. (Points OFF RIGHT. To APPRENTICE.) Go that way! If you see him, call me on the tin can.

APPRENTICE: Yes, sir, I will call you right away. (Runs OFF RIGHT.)DOROTHY: Excuse me, but are you looking for someone?TINSMITH: (Sarcastic.) No, we were just out for a leisurely morning

stroll through the poor side of Oz.DOROTHY: I’m not sure why you have to be so mean. I’m just trying

to strike up friendly conversation until the crow gets back with the map.

TINSMITH: If you must know, Miss Snoop—

GLINDA: (Hands him the bag. Dejected.) Here, take your brains. Put them in your scarecrow’s head. Red, forget about delivering that message to the cowardly lion. Let him find his courage at the workshop. (Ties the tin can string back together.) Call Jack and Jill and Hansel and Gretel, and let them know I won’t be needing their help anymore. (Kicks TINSMITH’S foot.) Tinsmith?

TINSMITH: (Raises his head. Groggy.) Yes?GLINDA: Go get your tin man.TINSMITH: Really? You’re not going to squirt me anymore?GLINDA: I promise.TINSMITH: Sweet. (Stands.)GLINDA: Red, go conduct your coward workshop.RED: It’s about time. (Rushes OFF RIGHT.)GLINDA: There’s no way at this point that I’m going to save the story

now. Who needs another silly children’s tale, anyway? Dorothy, take your shortcut to the wizard. I’ll just sit right over here and stay out of everyone’s way.

FARMER: (To WIFE.) Ma, I got my brains back! Prepare the scarecrow! (Runs OFF RIGHT, followed by WIFE.)

TINSMITH: I’ve got to hurry so I can give my tin man his heart. (Runs OFF RIGHT.)

DOROTHY: Miss Glinda, please don’t feel sad.WEST: Why is everyone feeling sorry for her? Give me that basket!

(Takes DOROTHY’S basket and pulls items from it.) What is all this stuff in here? Red ribbons?

DOROTHY: For my beautiful long hair.WEST: Vitamins?DOROTHY: For my youthful vitality.WEST: Girdle?DOROTHY: No comment.WEST: (Turns the basket upside down.) There’s nothing else in here.POLICE: Check under the secret bottom.WEST: I did, sonny. The map isn’t here. CROW: (Rushes ON LEFT, pulling WITCH DOCTOR behind him.) Look,

everybody! It’s the witch doctor. (Leads WITCH DOCTOR to GLINDA.) Right over here. Is there anything you can do, Doc?

WITCH DOCTOR: (Looks at GLINDA.) Someone boil me some water. I need fresh linen. Delivering a baby is serious work.

GLINDA: I’m not having a baby.

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DOROTHY: It’s pronounced Dorothy. I’m on my way to see the Wizard.TINSMITH: Look, Miss Dorky, I created this incredible man of tin, and

before I could finish him, he ran away—DOROTHY: Why did he run away?TINSMITH: I’m trying to tell you. Geez! Maybe you should ask the

Wizard for a little patience?DOROTHY: Sorry. (TOTO growls.) It’s okay, Toto, he’s just being mean.TINSMITH: Before he became a tin man, he was a woodsman. The

Wicked Witch of the East cursed his axe and caused him to chop off his own limbs because he was in love with a Munchkin girl. But when I rebuilt him from tin, I forgot to give him a heart, and so he lost the love he had for the girl. Now he has run off in search of a heart.

DOROTHY: That’s a really sad story. CROW: (Runs ON RIGHT, holding up the map.) Dorothy, look, I have it!

I have the map!TINSMITH: Would everyone be quiet? Now, no one is to say anything

until I finish my entertaining story. Where was I? (SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGING.) Excuse me, the tin can’s ringing. (GLINDA ENTERS LEFT and listens.) Hello? You did? Where is he? He’s what? Rusted, huh? Must have rained on him. Meet me back at the shop, pronto! (Sets the tin can on the stump and starts to run OFF LEFT.)

GLINDA: (Catches TINSMITH by the elbow.) Mr. Tinsmith, where are you going?

TINSMITH: Back to my shop for an oil can. (Tries to go.)GLINDA: (Grabs him again, worried.) Your oil can? (Feigns ignorance.)

But why?TINSMITH: My apprentice found the tin man rusted in the woods. I’ve

got to find him and take him back to my shop. (Tries to go.)GLINDA: (Grabs him again.) But you can’t do that.TINSMITH: Not if you keep grabbing me like that.GLINDA: (Through her teeth.) You’re going to mess up the whole story.TINSMITH: Ma’am, I don’t know what story you’re talking about, but I

need to save the tin man! (Yanks away and runs OFF LEFT.)GLINDA: (Yells after him.) Get back here this instant! Dorothy is the

one who’s supposed to find him! (Crosses quickly to CROW.) Now, look what you have done!

CROW: What did I do?GLINDA: Because of you, Dorothy is running late! She is supposed to

find the tin man rusted in the woods!

POLICE: (Ignores WEST. To DOROTHY.) Think very hard. What events followed you placing the map inside your dainty little basket?

DOROTHY: Let me think. I put the map inside my—oh my, I just remembered something. I have a fake bottom.

POLICE: (Looks at DOROTHY’S backside.) A fake bottom?DOROTHY: In the basket, dummy.POLICE: My dear, I have solved the mystery. The map is under your

basket’s fake bottom.DOROTHY: Oh, thank you, Mr. Police. Thank you ever so much. (Goes

through the basket.) My, Toto, you’re looking awfully sick. (Beat.) And the reason you’re looking awfully sick is that you’re not my Toto at all, you’re a teddy bear. (Pulls out a small stuffed bear. Realizes.) This isn’t my dainty little basket. Little Red what’s-her-name must have picked up my basket by mistake!

POLICE: You must catch up with Red and get your basket back.DOROTHY: (Sarcastic.) Ya think?POLICE: Go! (DOROTHY runs OFF RIGHT.)WEST: (Refers to her crystal ball.) Forget it. I need a newer model to

keep up with all these plot twists. (Pitches the crystal ball OFF LEFT.) What’s going on?

POLICE: Little Red picked up Miss Dorothy’s basket by mistake, so she went to find her and get it back. (DOROTHY rushes ON RIGHT, holding a basket and followed by RED.)

RED: You come back here at once with my basket, Dottie!DOROTHY: But this isn’t your basket, it’s my basket. This one is yours.RED: Let me see that. (Looks inside her basket, holds up the teddy bear,

and speaks to it.) Did the nasty farm girl hurt you, my little Teddy-Weddy? (GLINDA rushes ON LEFT, still holding the bag of brains.)

GLINDA: Red, what are you doing back? Did you deliver my message to the lion?

RED: I was on my way when she pulled me back here.DOROTHY: I’m sorry, but she took my basket by mistake.POLICE: Miss Dorothy says she has a fake bottom.GLINDA: (Looks at DOROTHY’S backside.) You’re telling me.DOROTHY: My basket has a fake bottom, and that’s where the map

has been lost.GLINDA: So you found the map at last? (Drops her head, sad.) I give

up. A witch can only take so much stress in a single day.FARMER: (Runs ON LEFT with the scarecrow head.) Here she is! (WIFE

runs ON LEFT. To GLINDA.) Hand over my brains!

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DOROTHY: (Holds up the map.) But I just want to get back to Kansas as fast as I can.

GLINDA: (Rushes to DOROTHY and points to the map.) What are you holding?

DOROTHY: (Hides the map behind her back.) I’m not sure I want to tell you.

GLINDA: Is that what I think it is? (Reaches.) Give it to me!DOROTHY: No! It’s my shortcut map to the Emerald City!GLINDA: (Gasps.) You can’t use that!DOROTHY: I can, and I will. This is my journey.GLINDA: You don’t understand. If you use that map, there will be no

story to tell.DOROTHY: What do you mean?GLINDA: You won’t meet your three friends on the way to the Emerald

City. Dorothy, you cannot take that shortcut! If you hurry, you still have time to rescue the scarecrow and make it to the tin man before the tinsmith does.

CROW: Dorothy, don’t listen to her. Take the map and hurry on your way. (Wedges between DOROTHY and GLINDA. Puffs out chest.) I’ll hold Miss Glinda back for you.

DOROTHY: Oh dear, I’m not sure what to do. I need time to think.CROW: (Points OFF LEFT.) There’s another stump. Let’s take a moment

over there. Come on. (As DOROTHY and CROW EXIT LEFT, CROW backs off, facing GLINDA.)

GLINDA: (Shouts after them.) Don’t go far! I’m keeping my eye on you two! (WEST quickly ENTERS RIGHT, holding a broom. SOUND EFFECT: CANNED BOOING. WEST stops cold and glares at the audience, holding up her fists to them. SOUND FADES OUT as she continues across the stage.)

WEST: (Sees GLINDA. Surprised.) Glinda, what are you doing here? You’re not supposed to return until the end of the story.

GLINDA: (Rushes to WEST.) West, we have a big problem on our hands. Dorothy has discovered a shortcut to the Emerald City.

WEST: You’re crazy, Glinda. She’s probably talking to the scarecrow right this very minute.

GLINDA: She’s not. She has befriended a giant crow, and he has given her a map. It’s all your fault!

WEST: My fault?GLINDA: You and your dumb bird-growing scheme.WEST: I need a flying army.

WEST: It’s not working, birdbrain. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes cut the string.GLINDA: (Weak.) Here, use my glittery wand to call the witch doctor. It

comes with free long distance. Just wave it around a little.FARMER: (From OFF RIGHT.) Dottie! Dottie, where are you?DOROTHY: (Alarmed.) Crow, it’s the farmer.CROW: Yikes! I’ll call the witch doctor from over there. (Runs OFF LEFT

with the wand. FARMER rushes ON RIGHT, holding a scarecrow head.)FARMER: Dottie, haven’t you seen that nasty crow by now?DOROTHY: Well, you see—FARMER: Don’t forget, if you want to take that shortcut, you must help

me catch that crow.GLINDA: (Points to the scarecrow head.) What are you doing with that?FARMER: Well, I suddenly remembered I forgot to give my prize-winning

scarecrow some brains.GLINDA: (Shocked.) Brains? (Rushes over and looks OFF RIGHT.) The

scarecrow! You took off his head! (In FARMER’S face.) No! Bad farmer! Bad! Get back there this instant and put that head back on your scarecrow. (Grabs FARMER.) There is another way for him to get his brains.

FARMER: (Struggles.) Let go of me.WIFE: (Runs ON RIGHT with a burlap sack.) Cornelius! Cornelius, I

found it!FARMER: What did you find, Ma?WIFE: That sack of brains we were looking for.FARMER: (Takes the bag.) Glory be! I thought I had lost my brains forever!WIFE: Come on, I got everything set up for the surgery.GLINDA: (Points to something behind FARMER.) What’s that?FARMER: What? (Looks behind him, and GLINDA grabs the sack.

FARMER turns back to GLINDA.) Miss Glinda, you have no right to take my brains.

GLINDA: Just try and stop me! (Laughs wickedly and runs OFF LEFT.)FARMER: Come back here with my brains!WIFE: You’re supposed to be the good witch! (FARMER and WIFE run

OFF LEFT after her.)POLICE: (To DOROTHY.) Now, about that map.WEST: (Pulls out a small crystal ball and looks into it.) No, no, no!DOROTHY: Any luck finding the map in your crystal ball?WEST: (Hits her crystal ball with the palm of her hand.) Not at all. I

think it needs new batteries.

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GLINDA: But if that farm girl takes a shortcut to the Emerald City, there will be no journey. And if there is no journey, there will be no story. And you know what that means?

WEST: (Realizes.) Heavens to Betsy and golly gee willikers!GLINDA: Without that journey, I will never be known by millions of

children worldwide. No story, no movie, and no Broadway musical!WEST: (Caught up in Glinda’s fervor.) Oh no! What do we do?GLINDA: The tinsmith is on his way to the woods to retrieve the tin

man and take him home. We must stop that from happening so Dorothy will find him and take him to the Emerald City with her.

WEST: This is a good time to call in my flying army! (Waves her arms around, dramatic.) Birds of the air, my flying army, take to the skies and quickly swarm me!

GLINDA: What are you planning to do with your giant flying bird army?WEST: I’ll have them fly into the woods and distract the tinsmith until

we figure out how we’re going to snatch that shortcut map.GLINDA: What a wonderfully whacky and whimsical idea! (Snaps her

fingers.) If only I had thought of it. ARMY BIRD ONE: (ARMY BIRD ONE and ARMY BIRD TWO run ON

RIGHT, flapping their arms. ARMY BIRD ONE rushes to WEST.) You called us, Your Evilness?

WEST: (Looks around.) Where’s the rest of my army?ARMY BIRD TWO: They flew the coop. Said they don’t want to be part

of your diabolical plan anymore.WEST: Make a monkey out of me, will they?ARMY BIRD TWO: This whole flying army thing isn’t working,

Your Evilness.ARMY BIRD ONE: Yeah, we’ve grown so big, we can’t fly anymore.

We’re too heavy for takeoff.ARMY BIRD TWO: We’ll show you. (ARMY BIRDS run around the stage

a couple of times, flapping their arms and jumping, and then return to WEST and GLINDA.) We have no lift.

ARMY BIRD ONE: We have no thrust.WEST: I have no army.GLINDA: (To WEST.) We’re losing precious time!WEST: Don’t rush me, Glinda. (To ARMY BIRDS.) Listen, I need you two

to fly down—ARMY BIRD ONE: We can’t fly!WEST: Fine, run down the path and distract the tinsmith from reaching

the tin man.

GLINDA: (Through her teeth.) Look, Little Hood, either you give him this note, or I’ll turn you into a red-tailed lizard.

RED: (Reconsiders.) Why, I’d be glad to tell him for you.GLINDA: That’s more like it. (Picks up DOROTHY’S basket by mistake

and hands it to RED while POLICE talks to DOROTHY.) Run along now, and be sure he gets it before that stupid workshop begins. (Pushes RED OFF RIGHT.)

WEST: (Laughs.) Just give up, Glinda. It’s too late to save your story.GLINDA: No! It’s never too late. (Unraveling.) It’s never too late! Do you

hear me? Never!POLICE: (To DOROTHY.) A lost map, huh? You should let me help you

find it. Solving mysteries happens to be my specialty.GLINDA: I can’t stand all this stress. Woe is me… woe is me!WEST: Oh no, she’s about to sing.GLINDA: (Dramatic, sings.) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen—WEST: (To the AUDIENCE.) It’s okay, that song is in the public domain.GLINDA: (Sings.) Nobody knows my sorrow.CROW: Miss Glinda, you’re getting all upset, and that’s not good for

your delicate circulatory system.GLINDA: (Nose-to-beak with CROW. Cries.) I’m trying to save the story,

am I not?CROW: Yes, ma’am. Come over here and have a seat on this stump.GLINDA: The children deserve a good story, don’t they?CROW: Yes, ma’am, they do.GLINDA: (Sings.) Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen—CROW: Don’t worry, Miss Glinda. I’ll call the witch doctor for you.

(Helps her sit.)POLICE: (To DOROTHY.) Now, can you remember who had the map last?DOROTHY: Let me think. The last time I remember having the

map was when Crow picked it up after that Munchkin reporter distracted Miss Glinda. He gave it to me, and I placed it inside my dainty little basket.

POLICE: May I see the dainty little thing, please?DOROTHY: Of course. (Picks up RED’S basket and hands it to him.)POLICE: (Examines the basket. To himself.) Hmm, nothing here

but cakes and pies. (To the AUDIENCE.) So if the map isn’t in the basket, that means it must be… (Dramatic pause.) …somewhere else.

CROW: (Picks up the tin can and speaks into it.) Hello, hello? Operator, can you please connect me to the witch doctor?

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GLINDA: Do not let him take that tin man home!ARMY BIRD TWO: Got it!ARMY BIRD ONE: I’ll ask Myrtle and a few of her friends to help

us out.WEST: Who’s Myrtle?ARMY BIRD ONE: She’s this friend we met last week over in—GLINDA: Would you please hurry?ARMY BIRD ONE: Sorry. (To ARMY BIRD TWO.) Let’s go! (ARMY BIRDS

run OFF RIGHT, flapping their wings.)WEST: Wait, Glinda, since when do we work as a team?GLINDA: Since Dorothy decided to take that shortcut.WEST: You said if she takes the shortcut, you won’t be known by

millions of children.GLINDA: Right.WEST: Why would I care about that?GLINDA: Because you won’t be known by millions of children either.WEST: Children don’t matter to me. It’s power I desire. Power! (Jumps

up on the stump and raises her hands to the skies.) I plan to be the most powerful being in all of Oz!

GLINDA: (Beat.) That was a little over the top, don’t you think?WEST: Sorry. (Climbs down.) The thought of power makes me a

little crazy.GLINDA: I understand. Just as the thought of fame makes me tingle

all over.WEST: (A thought occurs.) Wait a minute. It’s because of the help of

Dorothy’s three friends that she’s able to escape from my castle. And if they help her, I’ll never get my hands on those slippers.

GLINDA: (Tries to change the subject.) You shouldn’t think so hard, West. It will give you a wicked migraine.

WEST: (Fully realizes.) Listen to me, Glinda. Getting my wicked hands on my sister’s slippers and obtaining their power is more important to me than you starring in some dumb fairy tale.

GLINDA: (Dismissive.) There is nothing more important than worldwide fame.

WEST: (Suspicious.) You almost had me fooled, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes. But I want those two shoes, so I’ve got to make sure Dorothy does take that shortcut. If she doesn’t meet and get help from her pesky friends, those slippers will be mine for sure!

GLINDA: (Points her finger in WEST’S face.) No! Bad, evil witch! Bad! Dorothy must take her journey and meet her friends!

GLINDA: Yes, yes, we know the story. (Paces.) This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all.

DOROTHY: Whatever do you mean, Miss Glinda?GLINDA: The cowardly lion lives in that part of the forest. (To RED.)

Listen, Little Blue—RED: It’s Red.GLINDA: Whatever. Do you happen to have a list of creatures who will

be attending the workshop?RED: Yes, I do. Here it is. (Hands GLINDA a piece of paper.)GLINDA: (Reads.) Gingerbread Man, Three Little Pigs, Ugly Duckling,

Cowardly Li— (Screams.) That’s what I was afraid of. If the cowardly lion goes to that workshop and is cured of his… Could this day get any worse?

POLICE: (Runs ON LEFT, blowing his whistle, and wearing clothes two sizes too small.) Don’t worry, the Munchkin Police have arrived. What’s the problem? Who called?

TINSMITH: (Stirs and raises his head.) Did someone say police? (Groggy.) It was me. I called to tell you I have been kid— (GLINDA sprays him again, and he drops his head back to the floor and snores.)

POLICE: Did I hear him say he called the police?GLINDA: No, Silly Willy. He said he called Maurice. Maurice is his…

his… cat, Yes, that’s it—his cat, Maurice. Maurice, not police. Who would name their cat Police? I mean, really.

DOROTHY: (Approaches.) Oh Mr. Police, while you’re here, I was wondering if you could help me find a lost—

GLINDA: (Rushes to DOROTHY.) No! Bad Dorothy! Bad!RED: Well, I’d better be going, or I’ll be late.GLINDA: (Rushes to RED. POLICE crosses over to talk to DOROTHY.)

Wait a minute, Little Plaid.RED: It’s Red.GLINDA: Whatever. I need your assistance. I need you to take this

note to Cowardly Lion. (Writes a note on the brochure and hands it to RED.)

RED: (Reads the note.) This says that the workshop for cowards has been canceled. But it hasn’t been canceled.

GLINDA: I know that, and you know that, but Cowardly Lion doesn’t know that.

RED: That doesn’t seem right.

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WEST: (Points her finger back at GLINDA.) She will take that shortcut. I will personally see to it!

GLINDA: (Points her wand at WEST.) West, if you try to help Dorothy, I will blast you with this wand.

WEST: You’re kidding me, right?GLINDA: Okay, fine. Then I’ll just take this. (Grabs WEST’S broom.)WEST: Give me back my broom!GLINDA: (Points the broom at WEST.) Not until you promise to never

interfere with the farm girl’s fantastic journey. (Shouts OFF LEFT.) Glindalina!

GLINDALINA: (ENTERS LEFT dressed like GLINDA and eating a banana.) Yeah, boss?

GLINDA: Here, take this broom and hide it so ol’ Wicked Greeny here will never find it. (Gives GLINDALINA the broom.)

WEST: Don’t you dare!GLINDALINA: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let me get this straight. You…

(Points to GLINDA.) …want me to hide this broom, and you… (Points to WEST.) …don’t want me to hide this broom.

WEST: Give me my broom!GLINDALINA: (Rubs her chin.) This is a very interesting situation.GLINDA: Why aren’t you doing what I ask?WEST: Wait! (To GLINDALINA.) How much does she pay you?GLINDALINA: Five dollars a week.WEST: I’ll give you ten.GLINDALINA: I don’t work for Miss Glinda for the money, but for the

goodness she gives the world.WEST: I’ll give you twenty.GLINDALINA: Deal! (Hands WEST her broom.)GLINDA: You little traitor! (To GLINDALINA.) You’re fired!GLINDALINA: I quit!WEST: You’re hired!GLINDALINA: I accept!GLINDA: What?WEST: Good! Now, go change your clothes so you will look like a

powerful witch’s assistant.GLINDALINA: (Excited.) Yes, ma’am! (Jumps and kicks her heels

together.) Yippee! (Runs OFF RIGHT.)GLINDA: So you want to play dirty, do you? (Turns sharply and shouts

OFF LEFT.) Hansel! Gretel!

ARMY BIRD ONE: (Laughs.) Birdbrains, that’s funny because we’re birds, and you called us… (Beat.) Wait a minute, that means I’m a birdbrain.

GLINDA: (Steps between them.) We’re losing precious time. (Pushes ARMY BIRD ONE OFF RIGHT. Turns.) Dorothy, it’s plain to see the map is gone for good, so you might as well stick to your original travel plans.

DOROTHY: Well—WEST: No! By now it’s the principle of the thing. We’re more than

content to wait for the map to show up.GLINDA: You are such a party-pooper.WEST: You are such a goody-two-shoes! (She and GLINDA stick their

tongues out at one another.)DOROTHY: Maybe Miss Glinda’s right. I could have been halfway to

the wizard by now.RED: (Skips ON LEFT with her basket.) La-la-la, la-la-la, la-tee-da.

Skippety, skippety.GLINDA: (Grabs RED’S elbow.) Hold it right there.RED: Ouch! That’s my arm you’re grabbing, rude glittery woman.GLINDA: Can’t you see we’re in the middle of something here?RED: I am ever so sorry. (ALL surround her.)WEST: Where are you going in that red getup?RED: I’m skipping to a workshop on the other side of the haunted forest.CROW: Wait a minute, I know you. You’re that little girl who visits her

grandmother all the time.RED: In the flesh.CROW: (Shouts and points at her.) Little Red Riding Hood! Ha! I

guessed it! I guessed it! I win!GLINDA: Shut up, Crow.CROW: (Drops his head.) Yes, ma’am.DOROTHY: What kind of workshop are you going to, Little Red?RED: I helped organize a visit from a motivational speaker who gives

talks on the subject of courage. (Takes a brochure from her basket.) Here’s the brochure. Maybe you could help me spread the word?

GLINDA: (Takes and reads the brochure aloud.) “How to scare away the coward inside of you. A motivational talk by Ima Shivering.” Did you say this workshop is on the other side of the haunted forest?

RED: That’s right. You see, I’m terribly frightened of mean wolves who like to dress up in women’s clothes. But if I’m going to rescue my dear sweet grandma, then I must overcome—

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WEST: (Suddenly worried.) Why are you calling those two brats? They’re not in this story.

GLINDA: They’re vacationing in Oz, and they are two fairytale characters who know how to treat wicked witches like you.

GRETEL: (Runs ON LEFT.) Did someone call us? (Turns and shouts OFF LEFT.) Over here, Hansel!

HANSEL: (Runs ON LEFT.) Here I am! (WEST hides behind GLINDA.)GRETEL: Miss Glinda, it’s so good to see you. (Hugs her.)WEST: (From behind GLINDA.) Get rid of them, Glinda. I’m warning you!HANSEL: (Bows.) How may we serve you, Your Goodness?GLINDA: Hansel and Gretel, I hate to interrupt your vacation, but it

seems I need your help.GRETEL: We will do anything to help you, Miss Glinda.GLINDA: It has something to do with a wicked old witch.HANSEL: Wicked witch, huh?GRETEL: Our specialty!HANSEL: The last wicked witch that messed with us got thrown in

an oven.GRETEL: Out of the frying pan, right into the fire!GLINDA: Yes, yes, I know the story. What if I were to tell you there’s

another wicked witch very close by?GRETEL: (Puts up her fists and looks around.) Wicked witch?! Where?

Just show us, and we’ll give her what for!HANSEL: I’ll use my judo. (Mimics martial arts move.) Hi-ya!GRETEL: If a witch ever tries to throw us into a fiery oven again, we will

be ready this time. Right, Hansel?HANSEL: (Pulls out a colorful water pistol.) Right, Gretel.GLINDA: (Smiles.) Oh, look what you’re holding! It’s a water pistol!WEST: (Wide-eyed.) Water?GRETEL: That’s right. (Pulls out a bigger water gun.) We’re ready to put

out any fire we may be thrown into.GLINDA: (Enjoys this.) Oh, wonderful! You have two water guns. (To

WEST.) Isn’t that nice?GRETEL: So, just point her out, and we’ll take care of her. (GLINDA

steps aside, revealing WEST. WEST, looking down, doesn’t realize GLINDA has moved. GLINDA points to WEST. GRETEL crosses and taps WEST on the shoulder.)

WEST: (Looks up, shocked. Starts to back away.) You stay away from me with those water toys of yours. Do you understand? Stay away from me! (Runs OFF RIGHT.)

WEST: How dare you bring a bucket of water so close to my wickedness.DOROTHY: Am I going to sit here all day, or is someone helping me up?WEST: Glindalina, help this brat so she’ll shut up.GLINDALINA: “Glindalina, do this. Glindalina, do that.” I am sick and


DOROTHY: Thank you ever so much.WEST: Glindalina, you’re my assistant, so get rid of that water at once.GLINDALINA: (Takes out an apple from her basket.) I would love to, but

it’s time for my break. (Walks OFF RIGHT.)WEST: (Shouts OFF RIGHT.) You’re fired!GLINDA: West, my patience is running thin. Hand over that map!WEST: You’re crazy! I don’t have the map. The farm girl has it.DOROTHY: I do? Everything’s happening so quickly, I can’t even keep

track! Maybe it’s in my basket. (Looks.) It isn’t here. Hold on. Crow, I think you were the last to have it.

CROW: No, I gave it to you.WEST: (Points her broom at GLINDA.) Glinda, hand over the map now,

or I’ll pop your magic bubble once and for all!GLINDA: Jill, the water!JILL: (Picks up the pail.) Yes, Miss Glinda!WEST: (Points to the pail.) Zap! JILL: (Pitches the contents of the pail, now confetti instead of water, on

WEST.) You de-liquefied my pail of water!JACK: Uh, Jill, I think we better get out of here! (Runs OFF RIGHT.)JILL: I—I think that’s a great idea. Wait for me! (Runs OFF RIGHT.)GLINDA: (Starts to push DOROTHY STAGE RIGHT.) Dorothy, if you leave

now, there’s still lots of time to meet your friends.WEST: Not so fast! (Raises her arms to the sky.) Birds of the air, my

flying army, take to the skies and quickly swarm me!ARMY BIRD ONE: (ENTERS RIGHT, speaking to someone OFFSTAGE.)

Talk to you later, Myrtle! (To WEST.) Army Bird One reporting for duty, Your Green Evilness.

WEST: (Looks around.) Where’s the rest of my army?ARMY BIRD ONE: You mean Dougy? He’s gone.WEST: What do you mean?ARMY BIRD ONE: Vanished, vamoosed, went bye-bye, flew the coo—WEST: That’s what I get for trying to train a bunch of birdbrains.

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HANSEL: Get back here, you evil witch! (Runs OFF RIGHT.)GRETEL: Who do you think you are, bothering such a nice witch as

Miss Glinda? (Runs OFF RIGHT.)GLINDA: (Brushes her hands together.) That should keep her

out of my way for a while. (DOROTHY and CROW ENTER LEFT. DOROTHY carries the basket with the map, but the stuffed dog is no longer inside.)

DOROTHY: Miss Glinda, I have made my decision. I am taking the shortcut, and I’d like to see you stop me. (Holds the map up in front of GLINDA’S face. There is a pause. GLINDA snatches the map.) That’s not fair! That map is mine!

CROW: Miss Glinda, that map belongs to Dorothy.WEST: (Runs ON RIGHT.) Glinda, get them away from me! (Runs

OFF LEFT.)HANSEL: (Runs ON RIGHT.) Get back here, you wicked witch! (Runs

OFF LEFT.)GRETEL: (Runs ON RIGHT.) You belong to us now! (Runs OFF LEFT.)REPORTER: (Runs ON LEFT, holding a microphone, followed by CAMERA

PERSON, who holds a video camera. They both wear clothes two sizes too small for them. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] They rush to DOROTHY.) Here she is, right over here! (To DOROTHY.) Excuse me, may I have a few words with you?

GLINDA: Why, of course you may! (Sets the map down without thinking. At some point during the following scene, CROW moves the map away from GLINDA without being noticed.)

REPORTER: I was talking to the farm girl.DOROTHY: (Innocent.) Me?REPORTER: Is it true you killed the Wicked Witch of the East?DOROTHY: Yes I did, but it was a terrible accident.GLINDA: (Steps closer to DOROTHY and speaks into REPORTER’S

microphone.) Hello, I’m Glinda the Good.CAMERA PERSON: (To GLINDA.) Excuse me, ma’am, could you back

up? You’re in the shot.REPORTER: (To DOROTHY.) You’re very famous. Everyone is talking

about the young witch who fell from the sky.GLINDA: (Squeezes in.) That’s right, and did you hear how I showed up

in my bubble to help her find her way back home?REPORTER: (Ignores GLINDA. To DOROTHY.) I’ve been told you’ll go

down in all our history books. How does that make you feel?DOROTHY: Oh my, I don’t know. It’s all happening so fast.

WEST: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying the stuffed dog. CROW sneaks ON behind her.) Because she works for me now. (GLINDALINA poses like a model.) Glindalina, I love that dress!

GLINDALINA: (Twirls.) Why, thank you. (Pulls small handheld mirror out of her basket and looks at herself.)

GLINDA: I can’t deal with this right now. I need a pair of scissors. (Takes a pair of scissors out of DOROTHY’S basket.)

TINSMITH: (Into the can.) I said I’ve been kidnapped by Glinda the— (GLINDA cuts the string.) Hello? Hello? (To GLINDA.) What did you do?

GLINDA: I’m on a mission and don’t have time to be arrested.TINSMITH: That won’t stop me. I’ll simply walk to the police.GLINDA: I can’t let you do that. (Pulls a small spray bottle from her

pocket and sprays him in the face, causing him to drop quickly to the floor and fall asleep, snoring.)

DOROTHY: (Shocked.) Miss Glinda, you killed him!GLINDA: Don’t be silly. I just sprayed him with my extra-strength poppy

spray to put him to sleep until I do what I need to do. (Puts scissors back in DOROTHY’S basket.) So, take your tacky little basket and away you go. Right down this yellow road here. Look at that cute, little scarecrow hanging over there. Maybe you want to go over and talk to him.

WEST: Leave her alone, Glinda. (Pulls DOROTHY DOWN LEFT.) Here’s your ugly little pooch. (Puts stuffed dog in DOROTHY’S basket.) Go ahead. The shortcut is right over there. Just follow the map. Run along, now!

GLINDA: (Runs and grabs DOROTHY’S basket.) Dorothy, no! You must take the long road. (Pushes her STAGE RIGHT.)

WEST: (Also grabs DOROTHY’S basket.) Dorothy, you’re going this way!GLINDA: (Pulls the basket.) This way!WEST: (Pulls the basket.) This way!DOROTHY: Oh, my. (The WITCHES pull DOROTHY and her basket back

and forth like a rag doll. JACK and JILL run ON RIGHT. JILL carries a pail.)

JACK: Miss Glinda, Jack and Jill here!JILL: How can we help you, Your Goodness?WEST: (Still pulls the basket.) What are you two brats doing here?GLINDA: (Lets go of the basket.) I called them on the tin can.WEST: (Lets go of the basket, causing DOROTHY to fall. Points to JILL.)

What do you have in that pail, you little brat?JILL: Fresh water from the well.

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MUNCHKIN ONE: (Runs ON LEFT with an autograph book and pen, followed by MUNCHKIN TWO. Their clothes are also two sizes too small.) There she is! (Points at DOROTHY.)

MUNCHKIN TWO: It’s her! I can’t believe it! (They run to DOROTHY.)MUNCHKIN ONE: (Holds out the autograph book.) May we have

your autograph?DOROTHY: (Takes the book and pen.) I guess so. (As she writes.) You

two are Munchkins? But you’re both so tall now.MUNCHKIN TWO: The Wicked Witch of the East had us all under a

short spell. Not long after you dropped your house on her, the spell was finally broken.

MUNCHKIN ONE: It’s so great to be tall again.GLINDA: (Squeezes in.) Hello, remember me? The beautiful witch with

puffy sleeves?REPORTER: (To MUNCHKIN ONE.) Do you have anything you’d like to

say to Miss Dorothy?MUNCHKIN ONE: (Pulls the microphone over.) Oh, yes. You’re my hero,

Miss Dorothy from Kentucky!DOROTHY: Kansas.MUNCHKIN ONE: Right, Kansas. Well, off we go!MUNCHKIN TWO: We must rebuild our houses now that we are

tall again.MUNCHKIN ONE: Otherwise, we’ll have to stoop the rest of our lives.

(MUNCHKINS run OFF LEFT.)REPORTER: Dorothy, is there anything else you’d like to say to the

wonderful folks of Munchkin City?DOROTHY: I would like to say… I’m so glad the spell has been broken

and that everyone is nice and tall now.REPORTER: (Turns quickly to face the camera.) This is Reporter Norton,

a once very short reporter who must now buy bigger clothes.CAMERA PERSON: And… that’s a wrap. (REPORTER and CAMERA

PERSON run OFF LEFT.)GLINDA: Wait, you forgot about me! My name is Glinda the Good.

Come back! Look at my glittery wand! (Runs OFF LEFT after them.)CROW: Dorothy, now’s your chance. Take the map and go!DOROTHY: But Miss Glinda has the map.CROW: (Holds up the map.) No, she doesn’t.DOROTHY: You’re so clever! (Takes the map and puts it in her basket.)

Thank you for everything, Mr. Crow. Come on, Toto. (Looks around.) Toto? Oh, no! Toto is missing!

GLINDA: (Turns back around, still talking into the can.) Please hurry, Jack, and bring Jill with you. (Sets the can down and rushes to DOROTHY.) Dorothy, you must leave on your journey while there is still plenty of light. (Looks around.) Where’s the old green grouch?

DOROTHY: She’s changing Toto back into a little dog.GLINDA: Good, while she’s busy, you can start on your exciting journey.

(Points RIGHT.) Now, the scarecrow is hanging right over there. See? See the pretty scarecrow?

DOROTHY: But I can’t leave without Toto.GLINDA: (Throws up her arms in desperation.) This is a bad dream.

(ARMY BIRDS drag TINSMITH ON RIGHT, holding his arms.)TINSMITH: I told you to let go of me!ARMY BIRD ONE: And I told you to keep quiet. (Turns and shouts OFF

RIGHT.) Thanks for your help, Myrtle!GLINDA: (Approaches.) Good job, Army Birds. You got him in time

before he reached the tin man.TINSMITH: Are you the one responsible for this kidnapping?GLINDA: You have to understand, I’m doing this for little

children everywhere.DOROTHY: But, Miss Glinda, I told you I’ve chosen to take the shortcut.GLINDA: (Sticks her finger in DOROTHY’S face.) No! Bad Dorothy! Bad!

You must take the long journey.TINSMITH: (To ARMY BIRDS.) Let go of me, or I will call my cat

over here!ARMY BIRD ONE: (Lets go.) Cat?TINSMITH: Yes. A cat who loves birds.ARMY BIRD TWO: (Lets go and points to GLINDA.) It was all her idea.ARMY BIRD ONE: (Backs away from TINSMITH.) Sooo… see you

around! (ARMY BIRDS turn and run OFF RIGHT.)TINSMITH: (Gives GLINDA a dirty look.) I’m going to get to the bottom

of this once and for all. (Grabs the tin can phone.)GLINDA: (Rushes to him.) Who are you calling?TINSMITH: The Munchkin Police. I will have you all arrested. (Into the

can.) Hello? Hello? Get me the police!GLINDA: (Shouts OFF RIGHT.) Glindalina, I need you! (GLINDALINA

ENTERS RIGHT, now dressed like WEST, eating an apple, and carrying a basket.)

GLINDALINA: You called, ex-boss?GLINDA: Why in the name of the wizard are you dressed like that?

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TOTO: (ENTERS RIGHT, holding a water bottle.) Calm down, I’m right here.

DOROTHY: Who are you?TOTO: I’m your ugly little dog.DOROTHY: Toto?CROW: What happened to you?TOTO: How should I know? I’m a dog. DOROTHY: You’re human-size.TOTO: No kidding, Sherlock.CROW: (Points to the water bottle.) Look, he must have gotten into the

Wicked Witch’s bird-growing tonic.TOTO: (Burps.) Good stuff.DOROTHY: Get in the basket, Toto, so we can be on our way. (TOTO

steps inside the basket and stands there with his arms crossed. DOROTHY tries to pick up the basket to no avail.) Goodness, you’re too big to carry. You’ll just have to walk.

TOTO: (Stubborn.) Can’t walk.DOROTHY: Why not?TOTO: Tired.DOROTHY: (Turns to CROW.) What are we going to do? WEST: (Runs ON LEFT, out of breath and holding the two water guns.

To DOROTHY.) Hide these, quick!DOROTHY: Here, put them in my basket.WEST: (Slaps TOTO’S legs.) Get out! (TOTO hops out of the basket,

whimpering. WEST throws the water guns into the basket. HANSEL and GRETEL run ON LEFT. WEST tries to look innocent, whistles.)

GRETEL: Here she is!HANSEL: Hand us our water guns, you wicked old witch.WEST: I don’t have your silly water guns.GRETEL: We were enjoying a nice quiet vacation in Oz before you

showed up.WEST: So just ignore Glinda and go back to your vacation.GRETEL: You have a point. Hansel?HANSEL: Sounds good to me. (To WEST.) Just keep the water pistols.

Let’s go, Gretel.GRETEL: That settles it. Next year we’re going to Wonderland. (EXITS

LEFT, followed by HANSEL.)DOROTHY: (Waves to them.) Goodbye! It was nice meeting the both

of you!

CROW: (To WEST.) Dorothy can’t leave on her journey because her dog got into your growth tonic. (TOTO gets back inside the basket.)

WEST: Stupid dog, get out of that basket this instant.TOTO: No!WEST: That wasn’t a request.TOTO: I’m comfortable.GLINDA: (ENTERS LEFT.) Hold it right there, sister! What are you doing

back here?WEST: I don’t have time for you, Glinda. (To TOTO.) I said, get out of

that basket, you mutt. (Points her fingers at him.) Zap! TOTO: (Rubs his arm.) Ouch! Watch where you’re pointing those

bony fingers.WEST: Bony fingers, huh? (Points at him.) Double zap!TOTO: Ouch! (Jumps out of the basket.)GLINDA: You have interfered enough, West. (Grabs the tin can phone

on the stump.) Hello, hello? Yes, get me Jack, please.WEST: (Rushes to GLINDA.) Who are you calling now? (TOTO gets back

in the basket.)GLINDA: (Hushes WEST with her finger.) Hello, Jack? Glinda the

Good here.WEST: (Reaches for the can.) Give me that phone.GLINDA: (Pulls away.) You know that yellow road that runs by the

cornfield? Well, I need you to listen very closely. (Turns so that the rest of the conversation can’t be heard.)

WEST: (Turns and sees TOTO.) What are you doing back in that basket?TOTO: I told you I am T-I-R-E-D, and that spells pooped! (DOROTHY whispers

in his ear.) And that spells tired! (Crosses his arms and pouts.)WEST: Tired, huh? Then I guess you don’t want to chase… this!

(Produces a rubber ball.)TOTO: No, please, not that.WEST: See the ball, huh? See the ball?TOTO: (Excited, but tries to hide it.) Yes, I see the ball.WEST: See the pretty ball? Pretty ball? (Throws the ball OFF LEFT.)

Fetch the ball! Fetch the ball! (TOTO barks, enthusiastic, jumps out of the basket, and runs OFF LEFT after the ball. To DOROTHY.) Now that the dog’s distracted, I’ll shrink it back down to size. (Runs OFF LEFT after TOTO.)

CROW: (To DOROTHY.) I don’t trust that witch. I’ll go keep an eye on your dog for you! (Runs OFF LEFT.)

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