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By Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus

Copyright © 2012, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., under the title “Mother Goosed”

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every live, pre-recorded, virtual, or online performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, internet, television, cable, motion picture, live streaming, public reading, and translation into a foreign language—should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

No live, pre-recorded, virtual, or online performance, broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind, in whole or in part, may be given without permission from Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia, and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT OR E-SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

PHOTOCOPYING, REPRODUCING, EMAILING, OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all paper and digital programs and advertising the following information must appear:

1. The full title: Goose-Napped!2. Writing credit: By Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus3. Publication notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Denver, Colorado”

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ABOUT VIRTUAL THEATRE

Virtual theatre is a new and exciting art form that is just beginning to evolve and reveal its potential. Just a short time ago, no one would have conceived of trying to perform a scene, let alone an entire play, with every actor isolated in their own home. And yet, it’s happening… with surprisingly positive results.

This play is written specifically for the characters to be communicating electronically, without face-to-face dialogue, yet still interacting with each other in real time. This unique quality creates the ideal scenario to perform them on Zoom, Google Hangouts, or a similar digital platform.

Even though the audience will be watching the performance on a screen, this is still a theatrical play, not a screen play for a movie. Cinematic elements such as camera angles, shifts in lighting, elaborate sets, and close-ups on an actor’s facial expressions are beyond most people’s skills. Yet these productions are like movies in that the camera becomes a tool that helps us create our characters. As actors, we need to learn to play to that, even as we sit in front of our laptops.

By necessity, blocking is quite limited in virtual theatre, elevating body language—facial expressions, gestures, posture, and body positions—to a heightened level of importance. For instance, facing the camera directly is the strongest body position, but this should never be a static pose. You can create a more nuanced performance by adopting other positions, such as a one-quarter front position, facing partially left or right. If two actors face one another in full profile on the screen, it will create the sense that they are sharing the scene. For even more dramatic effect, a three-quarter back position so that only your shoulder and one side of your head is visible can suggest weakness, hurt, or anger.

Clearly, virtual theatre is far more than storytelling on camera, and there’s a world of acting still to be done to add depth and meaning to the words you’re speaking, even without a traditional stage.

Want more tips and suggestions? Pioneer Drama is proud to offer you a complimentary copy of A How-To Guide for Virtual Theatre. Download it now for free at www.pioneerdrama.com/pdf/VT_HowTo.pdf

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GOOSE-NAPPED!

By FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUS

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

JO AUGUST .........................no-nonsense, by-the-book 166 cop; female

JACK ..................................all-around good guy with a major 26 short-term memory problem

JILL ....................................Jack’s older sister who’s tired 41 of looking after him

BO PEEP .............................inept shepherdess and damsel 10 in distress; deary me

GEORGIE ............................babe magnet and all-around “playa” 33MARY LAMB ........................one of Georgie’s girls—wants 12

some space from her clingy lambST. IVES GUY ......................in a major hurry to get to St. Ives 21MRS. ST. IVES ....................in an even bigger hurry, if that’s 34

possible; also plays MOTHER GOOSE

OLD MACDONALD ...............simple country-folk farmer 19FREIDA ...............................farmer’s wife, hiding a secret 20

criminal historyPETER PETER ......................over-protective, jealous husband 36PETER’S WIFE .....................loving wife; totally enamored 26

with her husbandHUMPTY DUMPTY ................good egg who tends to 22

bruise easilyOLD WOMAN .......................frazzled, over-worked mom 20

down to her last nerve

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GOOSE-NAPPED!

CAMERA ON JO: She is a stoic babe and the deadest pan you’ve ever seen. She wears a trench coat and a fedora. MUSIC STING à la Dragnet.JO: (To AUDIENCE.) There are a million stories in the book. This is

one of them. My name is August. Jo August. I’m a cop. (MUSIC STING. [NOTE: The same MUSIC STING is used throughout. See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) I work out of the Fairy-Tale Precinct, Nursery Rhyme Division. It was Tuesday when I got the call. Seems that Mother Goose was missing. That meant trouble. Fairy tale world can’t survive without Mother Goose. Someone had to find her. That’s what I do. I’m a cop. (Another MUSIC STING.) Somebody somewhere knew something. I started by making calls to the usual suspects. (CAMERA ON JACK. He’s got a huge bandage around his head.)

JACK: Hello?JO: Are you Jack?JACK: I don’t know. Who are you?JO: I’m Jo August. I’m a cop. It’s what I do. JACK: Who am I?JO: You don’t know?JACK: No. That’s weird. I don’t know who I am.JO: You’re Jack.JACK: Jack? Cool.JO: You really don’t know who you are? What’s the last thing

you remember?JACK: I went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.JO: Where’s the pail?JACK: I don’t remember.JO: Were you alone?JACK: I don’t think so.JO: Who was with you? (CAMERA ON JILL, who joins the call.)JILL: Jack! Oh, Jack. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it. Are you okay?JACK: I think so. Who are you?JILL: Who am I?JACK: You don’t remember either?JILL: Jack, honey, it’s me. It’s Jill.JACK: How you doin’, Jill? My name is Jack.JILL: I know who you are.

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JACK: Good. One of us should.JILL: Jack, I’m your sister.JACK: I have a sister?JILL: Yes.JACK: Awesome.JILL: You don’t remember what happened?JO: Looks like Jack fell down, broke his head.JILL: You mean crown?JO: What?JILL: Crown means head. It sounds better if you rhyme.JO: Whatever. So Jack fell down and broke his crown?JILL: I guess. Who are you?JO: Jo August. I’m a cop.JILL: A cop?JO: Fairy-Tale Precinct, Nursery Rhyme Division. What are you

sorry for?JILL: What?JO: When you first came on, you said, “I’m sorry, Jack.” What are you

sorry for?JILL: I never said that.JACK: Yes, you did.JILL: THAT you can remember?JO: You said you didn’t mean it. Didn’t mean what?JILL: I… uh… I just… I didn’t want Jack to get hurt.JO: Where were you when your brother was tumbling down the hill

head first?JILL: You mean crown first? I was with him.JO: No, ma’am. You weren’t.JACK: You weren’t?JO: Not today.JILL: Sure I was.JO: Don’t lie to me, ma’am. Just the facts.JILL: Okay, so I wasn’t with him today. What’s the big deal? I go with

him every day. Every single day we have to go all the way up the hill to get water. Seriously, who puts a well on top of a hill? It’s stupid. You put the well in the valley or near the house. Not at the top of the hill. Who would do that?

JO: Mother Goose. She created this world.

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JILL: And it’s stupid. I hate it.JO: You hate Mother Goose?JILL: Hey, I didn’t ask to be written, okay? But it’s her world. She’s

the head honcho.JO: You mean crown honcho.JILL: Head honcho. In this case, the alliteration sounds better. JO: Whatever.JILL: We all have to play by her stupid rules.JO: It would be nice if you didn’t have to do what she said, huh?JILL: That would be great. Just for one day.JO: I see. (Whips out a notepad and starts writing things down.)JILL: Why do you care?JO: I’m looking into the disappearance of Mother Goose.JILL: Mother Goose is gone?JO: Yes. And so were you.JILL: Hey, you don’t think I had anything to do with this?JO: Where were you just now?JILL: I can’t tell you that.JO: If you don’t have an alibi, ma’am, you’ll be a person of interest in

our investigation.JILL: I didn’t do anything.JO: We can do this the hard way. You don’t want the hard way.JILL: I um… I can’t… I don’t want…JO: You’re in trouble, ma’am. Where were you?JILL: Alright, fine. Whatever. I leave for a little while, and Jack falls

down. Typical.JO: Where were you?JILL: I was off seeing… my boyfriend.JO: I see. This boyfriend have a name?JILL: Why?JO: I’ll need to talk with him.JILL: You can’t do that. I’ll get in trouble.JO: Ma’am, you are in trouble. What’s your boyfriend’s name?JILL: Um… Ah… Urgh! Georgie Porgie.JO: Thank you, ma’am. I’ll just have to check out your alibi. JACK: Who’s Alibi? Is that our dog’s name? Do we have a dog? Am I

a dog? (JILL sighs in frustration. CAMERAS OFF JACK and JILL.)

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JO: (To AUDIENCE.) I told them to stay by their devices. I’d need to talk to them again. And soon. Meanwhile, I called Georgie Porgie. (CAMERA ON GEORGIE PORGIE, BO PEEP, and MARY LAMB, all in a Zoom meeting.)

BO PEEP: Aw, gee, Georgie Porgie. You are the greatest.GEORGIE: Naw, baby, you is de greatest. BO PEEP: Aw, Georgie. MARY LAMB: Georgie Porgie, I thought I was the greatest.GEORGIE: Naw, dollface, you’se de most interesting. MARY LAMB: Aw, Georgie.BO PEEP/MARY LAMB: We love you, Georgie.JO: Mister Puddin’ N’pie. GEORGIE: Please, Mister Puddin’ N’pie is my father. Call me Georgie. JO: Okay, Georgie. My name is Jo August. I’m a cop. It’s what I do. I

need to ask you a few questions. GEORGIE: Can it wait? I’m in the middle of a Zoom meeting with

my peeps. BO PEEP: Hi, I’m Bo. JO: I need to ask you about your girlfriend. BO PEEP: What about me?MARY LAMB: What about me? JO: Not either of you. His other girlfriend. BO PEEP: Georgie Porgie. You got yourself another girl?GEORGIE: No, Peep. I didn’t.BO PEEP: You said I was the only girl for you.MARY LAMB: And that’s what you told me.GEORGIE: (To BO.) Listen, baby, doll face… BO PEEP: (Starts to cry.) I can’t believe I left my sheep for you. MARY LAMB: You left them? I thought they ran away.BO PEEP: I abandon them. I’m a horrible person. Georgie Porgie, I

never want to see you again. (Turns OFF CAMERA.)GEORGIE: (To MARY LAMB.) Listen, sweetie, muffin top…MARY LAMB: (Bursts into tears.) I thought you cared about me. I never

want to see you again, either. (Turns OFF CAMERA.)JO: (Takes notes.) So, Georgie Porgie Puddin’ N’pie. Kissed the girls

and made them cry. I need to ask you about Mother Goose.GEORGIE: What about her?JO: She’s missing.

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GEORGIE: I don’t know nothin’ about ‘dat. JO: Jill said she was with you when it happened. GEORGIE: Could be. I dunno when it happened. But yeah, okay, fine, I

was with Jill in the morning. JO: And then?GEORGIE: And then I was on the road to St. Ives.JO: Anybody vouch for that?GEORGIE: I met a guy. JO: You get a name so I can verify your alibi?GEORGIE: No. But dude had seven wives. Seven! And each wife had

seven sacks, and each sack had seven cats, and each cat had seven kittens. It was crazy.

JO: Did you ask for a name?GEORGIE: Naw, I just ran away.JO: Why?GEORGIE: I gotta, okay? It’s what I do.JO: Run away?GEORGIE: Yeah. What... you think I like it? I don’t. I hate it.JO: Then why do it?GEORGIE: I gotta, don’t I? On account of Mother Goose. It’s her world.

I gotta run away every time da boys come out to play. You know I never played stick ball once my whole life.

JO: And you’d like to.GEORGIE: Heck, yeah. I’d do anything to play ball or marbles or maybe

try dat PlayStation I keep hearin’ about. But no. ’Cause of stupid ol’ Mother Goose.

JO: If Mother Goose were gone, you think you could do what you want?GEORGIE: Yeah.JO: (Takes notes again.) I see. (Writes.) Subject in St. Ives all day.GEORGIE: No. Not really. JO: So where were you the rest of the day?GEORGIE: I don’t gotta tell you nothin’.JO: You just admitted you wanted Mother Goose gone. You’re my

number one suspect.GEORGIE: Okay, geez, I was hiding.JO: Why?GEORGIE: ’Cause all da boys came out to play. JO: Where?

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GEORGIE: At a farm just up the road. Old MacDonald’s. In a haystack.JO: Anyone who can verify this alibi?GEORGIE: That one kid with the horn.JO: Little Boy Blue?GEORGIE: That his name?JO: He can vouch for you?GEORGIE: Nah, he’s asleep. Kid can sleep through anything. I mean

his sheep’s in the meadow, his cow’s in the corn, and he snores like a woodsman. It’s creepy. But the farmer’s wife caught me hiding in his haystack and run me off with an axe.

JO: The farmer’s wife. From the farm up the road?GEORGIE: Yeah. Look, I gotta go. Da goils is real upset with me.

(Turns OFF CAMERA.)JO: (To AUDIENCE.) Georgie had motive, but I wasn’t sure if he had

opportunity. I needed to check his alibi. And I knew a guy who went to St. Ives all the time. (CAMERA ON ST. IVES GUY. He’s using a phone, walking and in a big hurry.)

ST. IVES GUY: Hello? JO: Sir, I’m Detective August, Fairy-Tale Precinct, Nursery Rhyme Division. ST. IVES GUY: Yeah, so?JO: I’m investigating the disappearance of Mother Goose.ST. IVES GUY: I have no idea what you’re talking about. And I’m so

late. We have to get to St. Ives. JO: Just a few questions, sir.ST. IVES GUY: Here, talk to one of my wives. (CAMERA OFF. CAMERA

ON MRS. ST. IVES, who struggles with a large sack.)MRS. ST. IVES Hello?JO: Hi, are you his wife?MRS. ST. IVES: One of them, anyway.JO: He has more than one wife? MRS. ST. IVES: There are seven of us. And we’re all so very late

getting to St. Ives. We’ve got to hurry. (Wrestles with a sack that seems to be attacking her.) Oh, Fluffy, stop it! Ah!

JO: Are you alright, ma’am?MRS. ST. IVES: The cats are getting restless. JO: You have cats in that sack?MRS. ST. IVES: (Fighting the sack.) Seven. And each cat has seven

kittens, and I have seven sacks, and we’re so late for St. Ives.

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JO: I won’t keep you. Just have a question. Did you see Georgie Porgie today?

MRS. ST. IVES: The little boy with all the girls? Yeah, he ran into us when we first started this morning. (Fighting the sack.) Calm down, Meatball! (To JO.) Is this about Mother Goose?

JO: What about her?MRS. ST. IVES: I heard she was missing. JO: How’d you hear that?MRS. ST. IVES: News travels fast. You think she was goose-napped?JO: I’m not sure. I’m not even convinced she’s truly missing. I’m just

following the facts. MRS. ST. IVES: I hope you find her. I’m so late. We have to go. (To

the sack.) Showflake, stop that. Argh. (CAMERA OFF ST. IVES WIFE.) JO: (To AUDIENCE.) So, Georgie Porgie had an alibi for the first

part of the day. I needed to see if he spent the afternoon at the MacDonald farm, like he said. (CAMERAS ON OLD MACDONALD and his wife, FREIDA.)

OLD MACDONALD: Yello?JO: This the MacDonald farm?OLD MACDONALD: Ayup. Reckon it is.JO: And are you the owner?OLD MACDONALD: Ayup.JO: (Takes out her notepad.) Your name, sir?OLD MACDONALD: MacDonald.JO: M-A-C?OLD MACDONALD: Ayup.JO: First name?OLD MACDONALD: Old.JO: Old?OLD MACDONALD: Ayup.JO: Your first name is Old?OLD MACDONALD: I’s named after my grandfather.JO: Can you spell it?OLD MACDONALD: O-L-D. This here’s the wife.JO: Ma’am.FREIDA: Hello. I’m Freida.JO: Freida. (Writes in her notepad.) F-R-E-I?FREIDA: E-I.

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JO: Oh. Did either of you see a young man on your property?OLD MACDONALD: Boy Blue there. Asleep in the hay.FREIDA: That boy never does his work.JO: Anybody else?OLD MACDONALD: Not that I recollect.JO: Ma’am?FREIDA: No.JO: You didn’t chase a different boy out of your haystack with an axe?FREIDA: I would never do such a thing.JO: I’m sorry, ma’am, but you do have a history of violence.FREIDA: That’s not true.JO: (Reads her notes.) Two years ago you were arrested for aggravated

assault with a deadly weapon.FREIDA: I was never convicted.JO: You willfully attacked three mice.FREIDA: They ran after me.JO: You cut off their tails with a carving knife.FREIDA: It was self-defense.JO: They were blind, ma’am.FREIDA: Well, I didn’t know that. Little creatures scurrying everywhere.

I had just had enough.JO: Enough of what, ma’am?FREIDA: Of this life. With the mess and the smell and the noise. All

night long it’s a moo-moo here and a cluck-cluck there, here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink-oink.

OLD MACDONALD: You said you liked pigs.FREIDA: I said I liked bacon! I just can’t take it anymore.OLD MACDONALD: You want to leave?FREIDA: But I can’t, can I? Oooh, no. I’m the farmer’s wife, so I have

to stay on the farm. Stupid Mother Goose created a world where we have no choices.

JO: So you’d like it if she were gone.FREIDA: I wish for it every night on Star Light, Star Bright.JO: Looks like you got your wish.OLD MACDONALD: Mother Goose is gone? Do you suspect… fowl

play? (ALL do a slow take to the AUDIENCE on that joke.)FREIDA: Mother Goose is missing? I had nothing to do with that.JO: Where were you earlier, ma’am?

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FREIDA: (Sighs.) Chasing that Porgie boy out of our hay, just like you said. Reckon Little Boy Blue saw me.

JO: So now the truth comes out. And before that?OLD MACDONALD: We were down the lane, delivering a pumpkin.

Reckon it took a few hours.JO: Can anyone verify that?OLD MACDONALD: Ayup. You could talk to the man we done sold it to. JO: You have his name?OLD MACDONALD: Peter.JO: Peter?FREIDA: He’s a… (Whispering like it’s a bad word.) …pumpkin eater. JO: Thank you for your time. I may need to talk with you again.

(CAMERAS OFF OLD MACDONALD and FREIDA. To AUDIENCE.) Seemed like Mother Goose had quite an enemies list. I wasn’t sure why. She’d always been good to me. But right then, I was tracking down a pumpkin. (CAMERAS ON PETER PETER and PETER’S WIFE.)

PETER PETER: Yeah, what d’ya want? JO: Are you Mr. Pumpkin Eater? PETER’S WIFE: Hi. Yes. That’s right. It’s him. I’m his wife. Hi. Hello. PETER PETER: (To his WIFE.) What have I told you about talkin’

to strangers? PETER’S WIFE: But I never get to meet people.PETER PETER: And this is why.PETER’S WIFE: But, Peter—PETER PETER: I don’t want you talking to nobody. PETER’S WIFE: But, Peter, I think—PETER PETER: You don’t think. I think. Go get back in your pumpkin. PETER’S WIFE: But, Peter, why can’t I stay in the house?PETER PETER: ’Cause I can’t keep you there.PETER’S WIFE: But I don’t want to go in the pumpkin.PETER PETER: Don’t argue with me.PETER’S WIFE: But it’s cold and gooey and smells funny.PETER PETER: I just spent a lotta money on this pumpkin shell, and

there I’ll keep you very well.PETER’S WIFE: But, Peter, I think—PETER PETER: What did I just say? I do the thinkin’ for both of us.JO: Take my advice, pal, people need to think for themselves.PETER PETER: Hey, why don’t you mind your own business, girly?

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JO: This is my business. I’m a cop. (MUSIC STING.) It’s what I do. And I don’t like how you’re treating your wife. Where’d you get this pumpkin shell?

PETER PETER: Got it from a farmer up the road.JO: Just now?PETER PETER: Few hours ago. Took a while to scoop all the junk out

of it.PETER’S WIFE: He wants me to live in it.JO: Why?PETER PETER: ’Cause I can’t keep her anywhere else. Leave it to

Mother Goose to stick me with some whacky dame.PETER’S WIFE: I’m trying to be a good wife. I clean, I cook—PETER PETER: You are a lousy cook. Why couldn’t Mother Goose

hook me up with some other dame?PETER’S WIFE: Like who?PETER PETER: I dunno. I think that Bo Peep’s kind of cute. JO: So you’ve been here for several hours cleaning out the pumpkin

shell… Is that true, ma’am?PETER PETER: What are you askin’ her for? She don’t know nothin’.JO: Ma’am?PETER PETER: Besides, She disappeared for a few hours.JO: Is that true, ma’am?PETER’S WIFE: Um…JO: Where were you?PETER PETER: I told you I couldn’t keep her.JO: Who were you with, ma’am? PETER’S WIFE: Nobody. I won’t tell you.PETER PETER: (Punching buttons on his phone.) Really? Well, let’s

log in and see who you’ve called recently. (CAMERA ON HUMPTY DUMPTY. He’s sitting on a wall, with his arm in a sling and wearing a neck brace.)

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Hello? PETER PETER: Humpty Dumpty?! You’ve been seeing my wife? HUMPTY DUMPTY: You told him?!PETER’S WIFE: I’m sorry, Humpty. I didn’t mean to.JO: Are you Humpty Dumpty?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Yes.JO: What are you doing on the wall?

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HUMPTY DUMPTY: I don’t know. It’s what I do. We all have to do things we don’t want to do.

JO: And you don’t want to sit on a wall?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Hey, I have dreams. Ambitions. But I’m stuck here.JO: (Makes notes.) I see. (There’s a commotion from OFF CAMERA on

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S end.) What’s that?HUMPTY DUMPTY: I don’t know. It’s been going on all day. Big ruckus

at the shoe.JO: The shoe?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Yeah, the shoe.JO: I see. (Makes a note.) Have you seen Mrs. Pumpkin Eater?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Why?JO: Just answer the question, sir. Was she there earlier today?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Yes. PETER PETER: I knew it.PETER’S WIFE: Peter Peter.PETER PETER: Don’t Peter Peter me me. (To HUMPTY DUMPTY.) I’m

gonna scramble you up good. PETER’S WIFE: Is that what happened to you?PETER PETER: Hey, I didn’t touch him.HUMPTY DUMPTY: No, I fell.PETER PETER: See, he fell.HUMPTY DUMPTY: I had a great fall.PETER’S WIFE: Oh, Humpty. Did you see a doctor?HUMPTY DUMPTY: I saw all the king’s horses and all the king’s men.

They were no help.PETER’S WIFE: You need a doctor.HUMPTY DUMPTY: They’re not covered by my insurance.PETER’S WIFE: We really need a single-payer system.PETER PETER: So what were you doing with my wife? PETER’S WIFE: Peter! He was teaching me to cook.PETER PETER: To cook?PETER’S WIFE: To cook.PETER PETER: (To HUMPTY DUMPTY.) You cook?HUMPTY DUMPTY: I told you I have dreams. Ambitions. I want to be

a great chef.PETER PETER: (To his WIFE.) You were learning to cook?

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PETER’S WIFE: Yes. I know I’m not very good. I want to get better. I want to make you happy.

PETER PETER: You do?PETER’S WIFE: Of course, I do. I love you.PETER PETER: You do?PETER’S WIFE: Yes. PETER PETER: Awww. JO: So, Humpty, you can verify her alibi?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Yes. JO: Alright. I’ll need to talk with you all again. Stay close to your

phones. This isn’t over. (CAMERAS OFF PETER PETER, PETER’S WIFE and HUMPTY DUMPTY. To AUDIENCE.) Seemed everybody had a motive, but nobody had the opportunity. But I wasn’t gonna let this go. And that’s when I got the text. A ransom note. (Punches a button on her phone.) Here, I’ll share my screen. This is the note I received. (A text message shows up, filling the screen. “WE HAVE MOTHER GOOSE. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER ALIVE, LEAVE 10 BAGS OF GOLD BY THE OLD WELL.” After a moment, JO re-appears in the frame.) A ransom note for Mother Goose. They wanted ten bags of gold. I knew where I had to look. Who needed the money most? The same person Humpty said had a big ruckus. (CAMERA ON OLD WOMAN, looking haggard and worn. She’s wearing a robe, hair in curlers… a hot mess.)

OLD WOMAN: (Screams to unseen kids OFFSCREEN.) Tommy, stop jumping on the bed. Elizabeth, stop kicking the wall. Daniel, get those out of your mouth, you don’t know where they’ve been.

JO: Excuse me, ma’am.OLD WOMAN: What?!JO: Sorry, ma’am, need to ask you a few questions.OLD WOMAN: I’m very happy with my internet provider. I don’t need

any insurance.JO: Not those questions.OLD WOMAN: You’re not from the census bureau, are you?JO: No, ma’am.OLD WOMAN: Thank goodness.JO: Is this your home?OLD WOMAN: Yes.JO: Looks like a shoe.OLD WOMAN: Yes, yes, it’s a shoe. A shoe. I’m a single mother

on a budget. You think I live in some fancy boot or one of those

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posh strapless sandals? (Screams OFF.) Stop that! It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.

JO: You live here alone?OLD WOMAN: Ha! I wish.JO: Who lives here with you?OLD WOMAN: My children.JO: How many children?OLD WOMAN: I have so many I don’t know what to do.JO: All those children are yours?OLD WOMAN: Yes.JO: Ma’am, I got a report there’s been a lot of screaming over

here today.OLD WOMAN: Yeah? We call those weekdays.JO: Can you tell me what the screaming was about?OLD WOMAN: I don’t know anymore. I tend to block it all out. (Screams

OFF.) If you keep making that face, it’ll freeze like that, and we’ll have to sell you to the circus!

JO: Do you know what the yelling was about?OLD WOMAN: I am doing the best I can. You think it’s easy being a

single mother, living on a fixed income? You think I asked for this life? Talk to that goose!

JO: Mother Goose? OLD WOMAN: Yeah. I’m stuck here. I just wish we had a bigger place.

A size thirteen or something with enough rooms in the heel. But no. I’m written this way. Now I’m stuck in a life I didn’t ask for. I could kill Mother Goose for this.

JO: Did you?OLD WOMAN: What?! No, of course not. JO: When’s the last time you saw Mother Goose?OLD WOMAN: A few days ago. She came to get a buncha cats. JO: You have cats?OLD WOMAN: I have kids. They collect cats, puppies, goldfish,

hamsters, guinea pigs and an iguana. Mother Goose cleared out a buncha our cats.

JO: Thank you, ma’am. Stay by your phone. (CAMERA OFF OLD WOMAN. To AUDIENCE.) So all the pieces fell into place. Have you figured it out yet? It was time to gather all the suspects and tell the truth about what happened to Mother Goose. (CAMERAS ON ALL CAST MEMBERS.) Thank you all for coming. As you know, Mother Goose

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was goose-napped. Nearly everyone here had a motive to see the old girl gone. But everyone seemed to have an alibi.

JACK: So maybe nobody did it.JO: Maybe, or maybe nothing happened to Mother Goose. MRS. ST. IVES: But you got a ransom note.JO: I did?MRS. ST. IVES: Didn’t you?JO: Yes, but it was a private text message. How did you know?MRS. ST. IVES: You must’ve mentioned it.JO: I didn’t. And the text didn’t come until after I told you that I wasn’t

sure Mother Goose was missing. You were trying to throw me off the scent.

MRS. ST. IVES: No, I wasn’t.JO: Sir, where are your other wives?ST. IVES GUY: I told them to wait for me. PETER PETER: And they did? Awesome, wives should do what

they’re told.PETER’S WIFE: Peter.PETER PETER: Aw, I’m just kiddin’. JO: And what’s this wife’s name, sir? ST. IVES GUY: Um… (Looks at MRS. ST. IVES closely.) Brenda? No,

but you don’t look like Patty either. Cheryl? Bonnie? (Beat.) I don’t know. Why don’t I know your name?

JO: Because, sir, this is not your wife. (Dramatically.) This is Mother Goose! (Gasps and shocked reactions from ALL.)

GEORGIE: Yo, wait a sec. MARY LAMB: Hold it. BO PEEP: Does anybody know what is going on?JACK: Wait, she’s Mother Goose? (NOTE: Just to make things

easier, we will now refer to MRS. ST. IVES by her real name—MOTHER GOOSE.)

MOTHER GOOSE: Yes, dear, I’m afraid so.JACK: Hi. How you doin’? I’m Jack.JILL: Everybody knows who you are.JACK: Except me. (To HUMPTY DUMPTY.) I broke my crown.HUMPTY DUMPTY: I broke everything else.OLD MACDONALD: (To MOTHER GOOSE.) But why would ya do this?MOTHER GOOSE: I just wanted to get away.JILL: But why?

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MOTHER GOOSE: You’re not the only ones who are stuck here doing the same thing, year after year, generation after generation. And I have never been anywhere. Ever. The owl and the pussycat went to sea. Some go to market. Some go to Babylon. Even the cow jumped over the moon. But me, I’m stuck here just like you. A prisoner of my own making. I just wanted to see the world. Or at least St. Ives.

ST. IVES GUY: You had never been to St. Ives?MOTHER GOOSE: Not before this. It was nice.ST. IVES GUY: Eh.FREIDA: But don’t you fly on a gander whenever you want to wander?MOTHER GOOSE: Yes, I fly on my gander. But I never get far. After

all this time, I’d just like to see some of the great big wonderful world. There’s so much more than just our little slice of the planet. I would’ve done anything to see it.

OLD WOMAN: You don’t get to see your world?MOTHER GOOSE: No. I’m always here. For generations it’s always the

same old story.OLD MACDONALD: Over and over and over.MOTHER GOOSE: And now I see you all hate the world I created for you.JACK: Wait. We hate the world?JILL: Yes, don’t you remember?JACK: Not much.MOTHER GOOSE: I just wanted to get away.ST. IVES GUY: By going with me?MOTHER GOOSE: Yes.PETER’S WIFE: Oh, that’s sweet. Isn’t it, honey? (Hugs PETER

PETER’S arm.)PETER PETER: Yeah, okay, fine. Sweet.HUMPTY DUMPTY: So I guess that solves the mystery of what

happened to Mother Goose. (ALL nod and ad-lib agreement.)MARY LAMB: Wait, wait. (To MOTHER GOOSE.) So you’re not his

seventh wife?MOTHER GOOSE: No, dear. I was just pretending.MARY LAMB: (To ST. IVES GUY.) And you have six wives waiting outside?ST. IVES GUY: Each with seven sacks. And each sack still has

seven cats—MARY LAMB: Yes, I got an A in calculus. But if there are six wives

outside, and she’s not your seventh wife, then what happened to your last wife?

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ST. IVES GUY: I um… I don’t know.BO PEEP: So your seventh wife is missing.ST. IVES GUY: Um… I guess?JILL: (To MOTHER GOOSE.) What happened to his wife?MOTHER GOOSE: I… I… I don’t know.GEORGIE: What did you do to her?!MOTHER GOOSE: I didn’t do anything.JILL: You said you’d do anything to get away from here.JACK: Yeah, you did say that.MOTHER GOOSE: That you remember?GEORGIE: Did you hurt her?HUMPTY DUMPTY: Did she have a great fall?FREIDA: Did it involve a carving knife?MOTHER GOOSE: I didn’t do anything.ST. IVES GUY: What did you do with my wife? (Now EVERYONE is

hurling questions and accusations ad-lib. Just when it’s about to become a mob—)

JO: Stop! Stop! Leave her alone! (EVERYONE quiets.) She didn’t do anything to your wife. (MUSIC STING as JO pulls off her fedora.) I am your wife. (ALL react.)

PETER PETER: Wait. (To JO.) You’re his wife?JO: Yes.PETER PETER: (To ST. IVES GUY.) Couldn’t keep her, huh?ST. IVES GUY: Honey?JO: Oh, don’t “honey” me.ST. IVES GUY: Why would you do this?JO: What’s my name? Huh? What’s my name?ST. IVES GUY: Brenda?JO: No.ST. IVES GUY: Cheryl? Bonnie?JO: No. No, it’s Josephine! See, this is what it’s like. You don’t even

know my name.ST. IVES GUY: I’ve always just thought of you as Seven.JO: Seven? That’s not even a name!ST. IVES GUY: But it’s easy to remember.JO: That’s no excuse.MOTHER GOOSE: She’s right, dear. I think I made a mistake with all

the Jacks. And all the Mary’s. Oy!

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JACK: Hey. I’m Jack.MOTHER GOOSE: I thought it would be easier to keep track. But I think

now maybe I was wrong. I think everyone deserves better. Maybe you all shouldn’t have to do what’s written.

JO: Exactly. I got tired of going to St. Ives and back and forth and back. I mean how many times can you eat at the same restaurants and hit the same gift shops? I wanted more.

ST. IVES GUY: We could go someplace else. I hear Bermuda’s nice.JO: It’s not just about going someplace. It’s about who I want to be.ST. IVES GUY: And who do you want to be?JO: Me. Jo August. I like being a cop. I like solving mysteries, and I

think I’m pretty good at it. That’s what I want to be.HUMPTY DUMPTY: I want to be a chef.FREIDA: I’d like to get off the farm.OLD WOMAN: I’d like to hire a nanny.MOTHER GOOSE: Maybe you all could. Maybe it’s time you all start

telling your own stories. (General excited agreement from ALL.)JO: Because that’s exactly what Mother Goose and I did. See, when

Mother Goose wanted to see the world, or at least St. Ives, and I was tired of always going there, we agreed she could take my place, and it would free me to pursue criminal justice.

GEORGIE: It was a brilliant plan. MARY LAMB: That way you could both do what you wanted.MOTHER GOOSE: Exactly!HUMPTY DUMPTY: (To JO.) If you knew she was Mother Goose all

along, then why did you start to investigate her disappearance in the first place? (MUSIC STING. The OTHERS ooh and ahh, suddenly wondering the same thing.)

JO: I don’t know. It’s what I do. I’m a cop. (MUSIC STING.) HUMPTY DUMPTY: But it doesn’t make any sense. JO: You’re right. It doesn’t. (Thinking hard now, trying to unravel this

new mystery.) I just did what I had to do.JACK: Like we all have to.JILL: ’Cause we’re part of Mother Goose’s stories.JO: Yes. But I was following a new story.MOTHER GOOSE: A new story?JO: Yes. It felt like before, doing what I had to do. But this time I was

doing what the new story told me to do.HUMPTY DUMPTY: Do you know what that means?

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MOTHER GOOSE: That means somebody is editing my stories. Your stories.

GEORGIE: You mean there’s somebody else out there?MOTHER GOOSE: Yes. Somebody else is changing our stories.JILL: Making us do what they want us to do.MOTHER GOOSE: But who could do such a thing? (ALL eye EACH

OTHER suspiciously.)JO: (To the AUDIENCE.) It’s a mystery. But don’t worry. I’m all over it.

(MUSIC STING. She puts on her fedora.) I’ll solve it. After all, it’s what I do. My name is August. Jo August. And I’m a cop. (MUSIC STING. ALL CAMERAS OUT.)

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESNotepad, writing utensil, phone (JO)

Sack (MRS. ST. IVES)

Phone (PETER PETER)

MUSIC STINGThe MUSIC STING is in the style of the old cop show Dragnet. NOTE: Most video conference platforms only allow sound from one source at a time, so make sure this music sting is between lines, not on top of them. Since this music sting always appears either immediately before, during, or after a line from JO, it will work best if JO controls the music sting from her computer to ensure that no lines are lost and that there is no lag.

COSTUMESCostumes can be as simple or as complex as your budget will allow. We encourage imagination. You can go with black pants and shirts and simple pieces to suggest each character. For example, a bonnet and staff for BO PEEP. Or you can go full-on costumes. Or any combination in between. It’s up to you. Otherwise, specific costume notes are as follows:

JO wears a trench coat and fedora.

JACK wears a large bandage on his head.

HUMPTY DUMPTY wears an arm sling and a neck brace.

OLD WOMAN wears a robe and hair curlers.

VIRTUAL PRODUCTION TIPAlthough this show is meant to be performed online, we suggest making it as theatrical as possible. What costumes, props, and sets can you do from home? Consider hats or other costume pieces; whatever you can put together. Can you do a set or drop in a virtual set via green screen? Zoom has virtual backgrounds available. The more theatre you can put into this, the more fun you’ll have and the more your audience will enjoy it.

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