34

The Peace and HopeThat Nature Provides

When I experience the pure awesomeness of nature, I feel a deep sense of peace. My heart may

still feel heavy for the losses I’ve had, but the sheer beauty that surrounds me is amazing and

tends to lighten the burden I carry, even if only for a few moments. I hope to be able to bring

some of that feeling of peace to others who may have lost hope - the ones who may not think

they can find it on their own. I look forward to helping others understand that this peace

really is out there for us to find, if our mind and eyes are open. I know from experience, that

at the very moment you find yourself in the midst of sorrow, it feels as though your heart will

explode and that nothing else in life will ever matter again. Believe me, this too will pass and

life will start to matter again.

The sheer beauty that surrounds me tends to lighten the burden that I carry, even if only for a few moments.

50 Embrace the past

58

Basically I was numb. I would come and go in a daze trying to keep functioning. My body

kept going but my mind – it was fuzzy.

That day, the day my husband died, my world, my life, stopped - while everyone else’s just

kept going.

The spotlight was on us...

The spotlight seemed to be on us. Everyone was watching to see how we’d handle our new situ-

ation. Many times I stayed away from home taking care of business just so I didn’t have to

face people that had stopped by to visit. I had a difficult time making eye contact with every-

one. I’ve always said that anyone who wouldn’t make eye contact with you had something to

hide. I did. I didn’t want anyone to see the pain that I carried. I didn’t want them to have to

share it with me. I felt like it was my burden to carry on my own. Friends would ask “How

are you doing? How are the kids doing?” I didn’t know how to answer that question. Did they

really want to know the truth? At first I said “Fine,” but I wasn’t fine, I hurt like hell! The way

I saw it, the average person didn’t really want to know how bad I felt – they couldn’t deal with

it – they just wanted me to know that they cared about me and that they were thinking about

us.

I was so proud and happy that evening to

be able to present my boy with his much

earned diploma, although it was one of the

toughest, loneliest times in my life doing

it without his dad.

106

Be proud of who you areAnd

Proud of where you came from

88

Why did this happen to me? Why does grief happen to anyone? I don’t know specific reasons.

I may never know, but my grandma always taught me that everything happens for a reason.

Scott and I had always grown up believing that.

I think that one reason grief comes to us is to produce change. I have definitely experienced my

share of change throughout the time since the accident. I’ve become a different person than I

was before, and am continuing to change into my new self. I have different aspirations, try

new experiences and enjoy other things. I’m a much stronger and more resilient person. I’ve

learned that I can still be happy without him by my side – just in a different way. It doesn’t

mean that I don’t miss my husband or that I’ve lost respect for him. In fact, it’s just the op-

posite. I have a special place in my heart for his memory. He’s had a great impact on who I am

and I hold the utmost respect for him. He taught me a multitude of things while he was here,

most of which I am putting to use every day. I urge YOU to accept the changes that come with

YOUR grief, while still embracing the past; by doing so your heart will experience ultimate

peace.

I think that one reason grief comes to us is to produce change...

172

Surround yourselfWith positive energy

182

I’ve had a lot of friends confide to me that I’ve had an effect on them; I’ve been an inspiration

to them. They now look at the situations they’re in and the problems they have and decide that

they’re not that bad. They’ve watched me go through a devastating experience and stay posi-

tive throughout it. Now my kids probably wouldn’t say that, because they live with me and

have actually seen the bumps I’ve hit along the way. They’ve seen the times I’ve fallen to my

knees and had to pull myself back to my feet. They have literally seen me lie in the bed and

not feel that I had a reason to get up. Now those times are few and far between but they have

happened. My kids have seen me get angry and bitter and have seen the sadness that Scott’s

death has brought me. Jacob has acquired a sense that seems to let him know when I am down.

I don’t have to say a word but find him behind me rubbing my shoulders

They live with me and have actually seen the bumps I’ve hit along the way.

195

Moments of darknessCan bring clarity

To the purpose of life