Finding Common Ground:

Customer Service, Communication

& Conflict

Presented by:

Susan K. Adams N.C. Office of State Human Resources

Objectives

• Assess your own communication & conflict

styles and recognize how this can be perceived

by customers;

• Understand where negativity and defensiveness

comes from and how this influences the

customer’s behavior;

• Be able to respond to negative behavior and

anger with specific skills and techniques to

minimize negative consequences.

Communication &

Conflict Styles

Lose – Win

Accommodate Compromise

Passive Style

Win - Win

Collaboration

Assertive Style

Lose – Lose “No Deal” Avoidance

Passive-Aggressive

Style

Win - Lose

Competition

Aggressive Style

L Concern for Self H

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Adapted in part from the conflict models of Covey (1), and Thomas & Kilmann (2).

PASSIVE Communication

You Win!

And I Lose!

Passive Communication

Strategies

• Placing another’s

needs before your

own

• Denying one’s own

needs

• Placing harmony over

the issues

• Giving in or giving up

Passive Communication

Disadvantages

• Requires a party to give something up

• Lost ability to influence the situation /

relationship

• Issues likely to remain unresolved

• Does not generate creative solutions

• Leads to frustration, resentment and

damaged relationships

• Can foster competition (win-lose)

Passive Communication

Practice When

• You could be wrong

• To keep harmony in the relationship

• The relationship is more important than the

issue

• Losses can be minimized by compromising

• A party needs to “save face”

• To bargain for leverage (compromise)

• Weak

• Insecure

• Low Self-Esteem

• Pushover

• Whiney, Moody

• Playing the Victim

Perceptions of Passive

AGGRESSIVE Communication

I Win!

And You

Lose!

Aggressive Communication

Strategies

• Command & control

• Verbal arguments

• Critique, belittle, hostile remarks

• Denies own responsibility

• Escalation

• Threats (punishment) and coercion (reward)

Aggressive Communication

Disadvantages

• Requires “losers”

• Strains and damages relationships

• Less likely to use or value constructive

approaches

• Leads to stalemate / impasse (lose-lose)

• Leads to resentment, desire for revenge and

passive-aggressive actions in others

Aggressive Communication

Practice When

• Immediate and decisive action is necessary

• With issues of safety and legality

• There is no relationship of value

• The issue is more important than the

relationship

• The outcome (what is at stake) is important

• Need to prove strength or commitment

• Surly, Cold

• Intimidating

• Hostile, Mean

• Militant

• Bully, Tyrant

• Controlling

Perceptions of Aggressive

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

Communication

We Both Lose!

Passive-Aggressive

Communication

Strategies

• Blame, denial, evasive maneuvers

• Veiled hostility, insincerity

• Deliberate and repeated failure to comply

• Intentional inefficiency & procrastination

• Opposition, obstruction, resistance

• Sabotage, manipulation

Passive-Aggressive

Communication

Disadvantages

• Issues unlikely to be resolved

• Stifles creativity, energy, morale

• Generates frustration, confusion and

increased conflict

• May result in others giving up (lose-win)

• Damages trust in relationships

• Leads to exclusion, hostility, aggression

towards the individual

Passive-Aggressive

Communication

Coping Response Practiced When

• One is dealing with an aggressive

communicator

• One has insufficient power to disagree

with demands

• In defiance of absolute authority

• When the risk associated with open

communication is high

Perceptions of

Passive-Aggressive

• Insincere, phony

• Petty, catty, negative

• Sullen, resentful

• Oppositional

• Obstructionist

• Backstabber, liar

• Manipulative,

devious, destructive

ASSERTIVE Communication

And You

Win!

I Win!

Assertive Communication

Strategies

• Friendly and positive demeanor

• Listens to another perspective

• Seeks input into solutions

• Accepts responsibility for own actions / feelings

• Openly and honestly expresses own needs

• Seeks dialogue rather than debate

Assertive Communication

Disadvantages

• Takes more time and energy

• Collaboration may be seen as a weakness to

an aggressive party

• Requires at least one party to be an effective

communicator to model the process

• Requires both parties to be committed to the

process

• May require a third party to facilitate

Assertive Communication

Practice When

• The relationship is important

• A mutually satisfying outcome is desirable

• Both views are too important to compromise

• Underlying issues need to be addressed

• New and creative solutions are desired

• Potentially destructive conflict needs to be

prevented

• Respectful

• Reasonable, Fair

• Friendly, Likeable

• Self-Confident

• Sincere, Honest

• Secure, Stable

• Straightforward

Perceptions of Assertive

Conflict with the Customer

25

When the Difficult Customer is YOU!

• Recall a time when YOU

were a difficult customer.

• What were your

expectations as a

customer?

• Did anything increase

your frustration?

• Any outside issues

contributing to the

problem?

The Difficult Customer

“Formula” • Disrespect

• Fail to Listen

• Embarrass

• Ignore

• Treat Rudely

• Unclear Expectations

• Miscommunication

• Control the Outcome

• Stress

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Abraham Maslow 1943

"A Theory of Human Motivation"

The Games People Play

• Parent state – Rules, regulations, “must

do’s” & threats

• Child state – Emotional, irrational,

name calling, swearing or passive avoidance

• Adult state – Calm, logical, thinks

things through

Eric Berne (3), 1964.

Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships

Conflict Is…

• A perceived threat to needs

– Triggering Event

– Meaningful

• An assumption of incompatibility

• Accompanied by significant levels of

misunderstanding

Defensiveness

• A natural reaction to

feeling attacked or

threatened

• An attempt to

“protect” our self

• May occur even when

there is no threat or

attack

Beneath the Water Line

• Fear

• Lack of Competence

• Lack of Confidence

• Guilt

• Shame

• Low Self-Esteem

• Helplessness

• Cynicism

• Embarrassment

Positions What we say we

want

Interests What we really want and

how we really feel

Needs What we must have

Line of Resistance

What People Tell Us

What We Need to Find

Out

PIN Model

Positions v. Interests

Position

• Non-negotiable

• Judgment or demand

• Narrowly defined

• Win-Lose

• Perceived as

incompatible with

other party’s goal

Interest

• A goal, concern or

need

• Room to negotiate

• Broadly defined

• Win-Win

• Underlies positions

Communication

Skills & Strategies

35

Customer Service Basics

• Personal Friendliness

• Job Knowledge

What Customers Expect

• To feel Welcome

• To be Listened to

• To have their Needs Responded to

• To be Respected

How Do You Make Someone

Feel Welcome?

38

Delivering Your Message

• 60% Body Language

• 30% Tone

• 10% Words

Listen!

“Listening looks easy,

but it’s not simple.

Every head is a world.”

~ Cuban Proverb

Listening Is Key-

Are You Listening?

• Preoccupation

• Personal bias

• Reactive listening

• Distractions

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

“Active” Listening

• Look at the person

• Give them your full attention

• Reduce distractions, internal & external

• Be quiet

• Ask questions

• Show that you understand by paraphrasing

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing; a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones

we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us

unfold and expand.”

~Karl Menninger, American Psychiatrist & co-founder of the Menninger Foundation

Paraphrasing

• Demonstrating that

you understand

– what the other

person is feeling

– and why they feel

this way

• Some “translation”

may be required

“So, what I hear you saying is…”

• “If I understand you correctly, you are …”

• “Correct me if I’m wrong,…”

• “Are you saying that…?

• “It is important to you that…”

• “It must have been difficult for you to…”

• “You feel strongly that…”

• “It sounds like you are worried that ….”

Listening to Understand

• Increases trust

• Clarifies the details

• Reduces defensiveness

• Makes people feel valued

• Allows us to “hear” one another

• Makes the speaker more accountable

• Focuses on the problem, not personalities

• Models effective two-way communication

Types of Questions

• Open-Ended—

to expand, build

relationships

• Close-Ended—

to focus, make

progress

• Minimal

Encouragers—

to support

Asking Good Questions

• “What has been your experience with this?”

• “How does that affect you?”

• “What does that mean to you?”

• “What gave you that impression?”

• “What concerns do you have?”

• “What would you like to see happen?”

• “Help me understand …”

• “Tell me more about…”

Conflict Pitfalls

• Getting carried away with emotions

• Taking things personally

• Adopting a parental position

• Aiming for a quick “right” answer

• Getting stuck on positions

• Creating a win – lose situation

Tips for Resolving Conflict

• Recognize and disengage from your own

defensive response

• Separate the issue from the emotions

• Put yourself in their shoes: what might their

interests and needs be?

• Identify and prioritize your needs and

interests too

• Make suggestions, not demands

• Be tough on problems, gentle on people

• Demonstrate integrity and professionalism

References & Resources

1. Covey, Stephen. The Seven Habits of Highly

Effective People. Free Press, New York, NY., 1989,

2004.

2. Thomas, Kenneth W. & Kilmann, Ralph H. “Thomas-

Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.” CPP, Inc. Palo

Alto, CA., 1974, 2002.

3. Berne, Eric. Games People Play: The Psychology of

Human Relationships. Grove Press,1964.

4. Fisher, Roger & Ury, William. Getting to Yes:

Negotiating Agreement without Giving In. New York:

Penguin Books, 1981, 1991.