FINAL WCG Election Special
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Transcript of FINAL WCG Election Special
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8/6/2019 FINAL WCG Election Special
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Nick Griffin, who was hoping to
win over the public with his dev-
ilish good looks and impish per-
sonality.)
Unquestionably, conventional
wisdom had it that these debates would
be a major triumph for Cameron. All he
needed to do was show his suspiciously
glossy forehead on stage and his mainopponent, with the face of a depressed,
alcoholic Fat Controller would have lost
as modern democracy did its job.
However, this didnt happen. Instead, the
debates saw Clegg rise to the fore of na-
tional politics as Cleggmania swept the
nation off its feet like an underwhelming
victory by Andy Murray. Clegg inces-
santly attacked the old parties and their
dirty style of politicking, presenting
THE election is once again upon us
and this years is closer and more in-
triguing than any Zimbabwean
equivalent. Following the televised
prime ministerial debates, British
politics has taken historic leap in the
light: newly polished and prepped to
assume its squeamish position under
the glare of the studio lights. The ex-citement was hard to contain. It was a
chance for Gordon Brown, David
Cameron and Nick Clegg (leader of
the Liberal Democrats, apparently) to
connect with the electorate and im-
press with their firebrand rhetoric.
(There are other parties you could
vote for, obviously. But they're ex-
cluded from the debates and therefore
no longer exist a terrible blow for
himself as a hopeful white Obama.
Ironically, the fact that most of the
electorate hadnt even heard of him
before the debates made his cam-
paign all the more successful, afford-
ing him with a freshness which
couldnt be matched. Although his
critics may say his act has gotten
tedious and uninspiring, one cannot
deny that the election is now an ex-
citing three-horse race.
So, whos it to be? The polls say that
Cameron is currently in the lead,
followed by the energised Clegg and
trailed by Brown who seems to havean allergy to luck after the
bigotgate gaff. (For a provocative,
cerebral and entertaining analysis of
each candidates chances see pages 2
-3) Then, of course, theres the pos-
sibility of a hung parliament surely
a prospect less inviting than a cup-
cake made by Peter Mandelson.
Whatever the result, its clear that
British politics will never be the
same again.
The Wildcat Gazette:
Quick Fire NewsSame News, Just Faster
Chuck Norris has three fists:It has been revealed that where
Chucks chin is supposed to be
there is just another fist.
Tetley Tea secret ingredient re-vealed:
Is actually coffee.
Kim Jong-Il - Bring on Tiger:The North Korean hero recently
played his first round of golf and
shot nine hole in ones!
Election Special: Bon Voyage Brown,Demonic Dave and Cosmic Clegg Lets get ready
to rumble
Vending Machine:Allen wants a vending machine
with decent drinks, like Roche. We
the wildcats are sick of Five Alive,
Appletiser and Orange juice. In-
stead we at the WCG suggest a
mixture of high protein shakes and
energy drinks.Want your story in the gazette email
us at:
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Whether it be drunken chavs
or pretentious socialites,
Gordon Brown is often the
topic of cynical hysteria
bounced around a conversa-
tion. The Cyclopes has in-
deed had a hard premiership,
with an economic climate
that can only be blamed on
the previous Chancellor....
oh wait. This weeks events
brought Brown to a newlow. We are not referring to
another humiliating loss to
Nick Clegg, a man who the
Gazette featured only a
month ago in the article
Who is Nick Clegg; but of
course to the withdrawal of
Peppa Pig, the popular chil-
drens cartoon who pulled
out of appearing at a Labour
election event highlighting thepartys policy on families. The
devastating blow to the Flashs
campaign could be costly, a La-
bour party spokesman told the
Gazette Peppa and Gordon
were extremely close, Gordon
was known to call up Peppa
with questions about the reces-
sion and even basic economic
problems in the early hours.
The partys morale but most
significantly integrity has most
defiantly suffered from
Peppas withdrawal.
surprised at Cleggs TV debate
success. Surely no one really be-
lieved that the Gordon Brown cha-
risma robot or Questionably Shiny
Dave would (or could for that mat-
ter) awe us with their magnificent
oratory? It seems however Nick is
lacking a vital component in hisarmoury. In an attempt to bolster
support we saw Gordon Brown
bring out his wife Sarah (to make
him seem human), Dave and Sam-
Cam apparently work as a team,
and Nick - as we all know has his
dependable Vince. (Incidentally
Uncle Vince Cable has recently
re-released his famous single For
the love of money feat MC Merv)
But the lack of public appearancesof the Cleggete - Miriam - has
caused some political punters to
question her very existence, or per-
Like a white man on crack Nick
Clegg has stormed to the front
in the sprint that is the election
campaign in recent weeks.
Cleggmania has been sweeping
the country and the Liberals
ratings are higher than the time
of Menzies Campbells birth, soany piece on the Lib Dems
should rightly start by address-
ing Nicks Cleggtastic perform-
ances in the prime ministerial
debates in recent weeks. This is
surely the crucible to their in-
creased popularity - at one point
Clegg even led the fabled
worm polls. It is fair to say
that Nick Clegg has revitalised
the Liberalss image. (Peopleactually recognising him now is
clearly a bonus). But to be hon-
est, should we really have been
haps that she just has a monobrow.But one things for sure its defi-
nitely become acceptable to vote
for the Liberal Democrats, unless
you live in Sheffield that is.
Liberal Democrats
Labour
Page 2The Wildcat Gazette: Dubious At Best
Blue
Steel
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hugged hoodies; he went green; heeven visited a council estate without
insisting on having a tetanus jab first.
All seemed well in Conservative-land
George Osborne even had a successful
stint in the Christmas pantomime season
2008. The people of Britain were se-
duced, and began to think of this man,
webbed feet and all, as the best candi-
date to lead their nation out of the eco-
nomic crisis (or at least better than the
Cyclops and the other chappy).But then his, and the Conservatives,
true colours began to emerge. The sup-
posed hoodies were actually undercover
Etonians. His house was found to be
powered by burning the corpses of
Syndactyly (the condition of having two
or more fused digits) has experienced
something of a nadir since the antics of
Joseph Stalin. In fact, quackers have
had a less than positive impact on hu-
mankind in recent centuries. Whether it
be the Terror of Maximilien Robespi-
erre or the horrors of Michael Bay, it
seems that they are determined to de-
stroy all that the modern civilisation
holds dear.
All this leads one to question the politi-
cal expediency of the Conservative
Party having a leader afflicted by this
deformity. No doubt they have pushed
the envelope before. Benjamin Disraeli
was the first Jewish PM (non-
practicing) and Margaret Thatcher was
the first female PM (non-feminine),
whilst Iain Duncan Smith was the first
party leader made of cardboard. They
even released a manifesto (1970)
through the medium of dance. However,
surely putting David Duckhouse Cam-
eron on the ticket is just one step too
far.After narrowly defeating the Evil Grim-
ace in the closest fought Party Leader-
ship battle in decades Cameron worked
hard to cleanse the Party image: he
working class single mothers. He wasrecorded describing the north of Eng-
land as worse than Mordor and Nazi
Germany combined. A few months
ago it looked as if Dave would romp
home to victory; they could still win
with a majority, albeit a narrow one.
This is truly worrying due to the prece-
dent set by others of his kind, and this
reporter can only hope that Britain
under Cameron doesnt suffer like the
USSR under Stalin (unless the faminesthat killed 30 million in Ukraine can be
repeated in Scotland... that wouldnt be
so bad).
Conservatives
Page 3The Wildcat Gazette: Dubious At Best
WhoShouldIVoteFor???Ilikesmallgovern
ment
Jeevescooksmy
dinner
Ilaughatthepoor
VoteConservative
I am Jeeves
I like pie and ale
I hate southern soft-ies
Vote Labour
I was bullied at
school
I am a white, middle-aged, agnostic den-
tist
Opinions?
Vote Lib Dem
Im an idiot
Vote for the others
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Pope Benedict
has caused con-
troversy by
declaring that
there is no truth
in reports of
child molesta-
tion by Catholic
priests. Accord-
ing to the Holy
Father, the
victims have
fabricated a massive conspiracy to help them triumph in talent
competitions such as the X-Factor in Britain and American Idol
in the USA. Successful acts on these shows have generally been
backed up by sob-stories aimed at pulling on the heartstrings
of sympathetic voters. For example, Same Difference played
the Fritzl children of Britain card in 2007 and finished 3rd,
despite being quite clearly the least talented humans of all time.
Nevertheless,
Bennys claims are some-
what difficult to support dueto the huge number of cases
and the physical evidence. It
seems that this is just the
latest of a series of strange
outbursts by the former Hit-
ler Youth member (he was
forced...). During his Christ-
mas 2009 address he pro-
claimed that vegetarians had
deposed the Devil as the
biggest threat to Christen-
dom. Just last week he an-
nounced that Jesus Christs
name was to be changed to
John Parkin with immediate
affect.
All this leads the WCG to
question whether the worlds
largest religious organisation
can really be led by a man
who is so clearly senile.Surely it is time to replace
Benedict with someone more
in touch with the modern
world. Because of this we
have compiled a five man
(obviously) list of potentially
better candidates: 1) Barack
Black Jesus Obama; 2)
Bruce Forsyth, perfect for
adding some young blood; 3)
Big Bird, 4) Gordon Brown,
hes gonna have a lot of free
time soon; 5) Menzies
Campbell, he could really
get Catholics back to their
basic principle, having been
one of Jesus 12 apostles.
Benedict: Child abuse reports no more than X-Factor
sob-stories
Page 4The Wildcat Gazette: Dubious At Best
BerlusconisThought For The
Week!
Does this rag smell
like chloroform to
you?
Iceland: Public Enemy
No.1. Ahead Of NickGriffin.Inarecentopinionpoll,IcelandsEy
jafjallajokullvolcanowhichdevastated
internationaltravelcameaheadof
BNPsfhrerNickGriffin.Forcomment,theWCG calledtheBNPyouth
HQinChippenham.However,our
statusasradicalleftwingpublication
meantwewererefusedan interview.
IndefenceoftheIcelandicmenace,thevolcanologist KarlCarlsontoldthe
WCGthatVolcanoesgetabadrep,
theyrereallyhot.Greatstuff.
TheGreenPartyalsospokeupagainst
thevolcanothisweekaccusingitof
producingunacceptableC02emis
sions,andaseriousbreakingofthe
Kyotoagreement.
TheEUisnowconsideringeconomic
andtradesanctionsagainstIcelands
Eyjafjallajokull.UKIParguedthatthis
isanotherexampleofwhywe
shouldntbeinEurope.
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Straight talking comments from everyones favourite
nuke-head...
Mahmoud on... FACIAL HAIR
How can you judge a man? His watch, his car, his
property (donkey, house, wives)? No; far more im-
portant is his facial hair. This is how you judge a
man. A man without facial hair is a man without
honour. Think of the worlds great men Hitler, Sta-
lin, Bin Laden, Thatcher they all have glorious
whiskers. A full-faced man is a successful man, a
fertile man, a happy man. With facial hair one canwake up in the morning, open ones bedroom win-
dow, and shout I AM A MAN. Hairless men can-
not say this. They must wonder the roads lonely, without a beard to comfort
them, hold them, caress them. I feel sorry for these men. They are destined to a
life of failure and poverty.
For tips on how to grow and maintain facial hair buy my new book, from my
popular Mahmoud on... range,Mahmoud on Facial Hair: from shadow to
mane. It is available online and in all good book stores, and has an RRP of just
7.99. Also available: Mahmoud on Israel, Mahmoud on Democracy, and
many more...
The Real Africa Wildlife Guide
THE VIEW FROM ARABIA:
Page 5The Wildcat Gazette: Dubious At Best
During a safari remember, Lions will always get the better
of you. Also, never trust a Cheetah or go too near the wa-
tering hole. And remember kids GUNS DONT KILL
PEOPLE, HIPPOS DO!
WCGINorOUTIn
- Luiz Incio Lula
- The British General
Election
- Afghani cricket
- Hegelian metaphysics
Out...- Greeces economy
- Liverpool FC
- Sacerdotal paedophilia
- Icelandic volcanoes
Interview With Nelson Piquet Jr.The WCG caught up with Jr.
Whats your favourite film?
Definitely Crash. I find that I can relate to that film
like no other.
What would be your first question to the people of
Antarctica?
Do any of you want to start an F1 team?
Whos your favourite dictator?
Colonel Gaddafi. Hes had such a great life.
Whos your hero?
Rear Admiral Masafumi
Arima (inventor of the Kami-
kaze tactic). I admire any pi-
lot who has the guts to pur-posely crash on command,
they shall inherit the kingdom
of heaven.
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SPORTSFootball Special: Was Socrates Offside?
In the Monty Python classic Greeks v. German philosophers football fixture,questions have been raised about whether Socrates winning goal was onside.
In the original, refereed by Confucius, Captain Nobby Hegel led out a Ger-
man team that incongruously included one real footballer - the great Franz
Beckenbauer, the only player wearing a football strip. The Greeks, clad in
togas, stood around thinking, as did the Germans in frock coats. Nothing hap-
pened until in the final minute surprise selection Archimedes shouted
Eureka! and encouraged his side to start kicking the ball towards the goal.
After a neat one-two between Archimedes and Socrates, Heraclitus set up
Socrates for a superb diving header past German goalie Leibniz that was
possibly the most important goal of his career, the commentator declared.
Meanwhile Marx who had come on for a lacklustre Wittgenstein - claimedoffside. Replays on YouTube now seem to vindicate him. Meanwhile Hegel
argued that reality was merely an a priori adjunct of non-natural ethics, and
Kant, via the categorical imperative, asserted that ontologically it exists only
in the imagination. Fair point.
Horoscopes
21/05/2010?
Leo
July 24 August 23
You will regret wasting about ten seconds of your life
any time around about...now, there you go, told you.
Virgo
September 24 October 23
There is a gun trained on you, Virgo; now stay still,don't try anything and no one will get hurt, understand?
Scorpio
October 24 November 22
Today you will feel satisfied with your life/suicidal
[delete as applicable].
Sagittarius
November 23 December 21You really are a gullible idiot aren't you.
Capricorn
December 22 January 20
You will contemplate becoming an astrologist, but aftermuch ridicule, think better of it.
Aquarius
January 21February 20
You will meet the love of your life in your lifetime.
PiscesFebruary 21 March 20
Hitler will invade Poland in 1939.
Aries
March 21 April 20
You will see a man, or possibly a woman, unless you don't.
Taurus
April 21 May 21
Like your star sign, Taurus, this is bull.
GeminiMay 22 June 22
Mercury is prominent today, so don't drink tap water.
Cancer
June 23 July 23
You will meet, and then kick an investment banker.
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