The Life of the Pastor’s Kid

A Reality to Understand

Final Research Paper

For

Master of Transformational Leadership Program

By:

Noel Santos- Roxas

Abstract

Title: The Life of the Pastor’s Kid

A Reality to Understand

Statement of the Problem: the study aims to preview the reality of

normal, but above standards members of the society, the Pastor’s kids.

Specifically this study will answer and explain the following questions and

concepts.

Who are the Pastor’s Kids?

o Literally

o Figuratively (their description from the society)

What these Kid’s do?

o Inside the Church

o Outside the Church (With friends/ at school/ in the community)

o At Home

What are the labels given by the society to them? What are the effects

of those labels?

Is there any importance in understanding them?

Assumptions: This study was based on the following assumptions.

That the parents, are also human, committing mistakes like their child/

children.

That pastor’s kids are also normal kids, like any other kids who has the

liberty to do what they want.

That these children should not experience nor receive any form of

discrimination and special treatments from the society and even inside

the Church.

Scope and Limitations: this study is composed and limited to pastor’s and

pastor’s kid.

Significance of the Study:

To the Parents (Co-Workers)

o To the parents and Pastors should know how to pray hard and

bring his family to God in full trust and confidence

o The parents and pastor should learn to trust God at all times and

believes that God will always there to care for.

o The pastor should know how to influence his/ her family to satisfy

and be contented for what they have.

To the Kids/ Children

o Children must understand that they should not rely solely on the

basis that they are pastor’s kid, but being such carries

responsibilities as well. It is a privileged to be called and be a

Pastor’s kid, but it does not end there, to carry a name that is

being respected by many requires to act in accordance with the

norms covered by that name.

To the Society

o The society must not judge nor give very much importance to

these kids. Everything should be balanced so that these kids

would learn to do things on their own. Exercising their liberty,

enjoying their freedom and making their own names and not

hiding to the shadows of their parents.

To the future researchers

o The conclusion of this study can give backgrounds, points,

factors that could be needed in their future research.

Acknowledgement:

It is only by His grace that I am here right now. Only through Him that I

was sustained and I know that He’s always there throughout my journey.

Jesus won it all for me.

Also special thanks to my family for their untiring support t and

prayers, understanding, and commitment in joining me with my ministry. To

rev. Kyoung Gyun Han and the rest Of PCK-SNP who supported me all the

way for financial support, prayers and encouragement to take the said MTL

program of ASDECS.

For UCCP-TRECE and UCCP-Amadeo, Thank you so much for your

prayers, understanding and financial support. For Prof. Zaldy Barotil and

Prof. Dr. David Lim for their encouragement to finish the course and even for

being a good mentor and motivator. And lastly to all my classmates in

ASDECS, thank you so much for our sharing, testimony and community study

it brought us a lot of learnings and developed our camaraderie. And for the

people and friends who always there for prayers and encouragement to

finish the course.

Chapter I

The Problem and Its Background

This chapter intends to provide an explanation about the background and

main problems of the study. It outlines the parameters and its limitations,

probability and realism of the study, and the meaning of terms defined by

the researcher.

As we observe, the existence of the Pastor’s Kids are now already in the

limelight. They are not confined anymore in the Church and in the shadow of

their parents. Their identities are now recognized from the fruits of their own

labor and not just because they bear the surname of their father or the

image of their mother.

In this study, I focused on finding out the ways of how we can deeply

understand the life of these kids, their reality and how they interact with the

society.

Statement of the Problem

The study aims to preview the reality of life of normal, but above standards

members of the society, the Pastor’s Kids. Specifically this study will answer

and explain the following questions and concepts.

Who are the Pastor’s Kids?

o Literally

o Figuratively (their description from the society)

What these Kid’s do?

o Inside the Church

o Outside the Church (With friends/ at school/ in the community)

o At Home

What are the labels given by the society to them? What are the effects

of those labels?

Is there any importance in understanding them?

Hypothesis of the Study

I as a researcher tested a hypothesis.

H: there is the need to understand the reality of life of these Pastor’s Kids.

How they were raised and how they were treated in the society.

Significance of the Study:

To the Parents (Co-Workers)

To the Kids/ Children

To the Society

To the future researchers

Definition of terms

Pastor’s Kid- Offspring/s of Pastors, Church Workers

Pastors- a spiritual overseer; especially a clergyman serving a local church

or parish.

Ministry- the office, duties, or functions of a minister.

Church-a building for public and especially Christian worship; a body or

organization of religious believers as the whole body of Christ.

Understanding- the power of comprehending; the capacity to apprehend

general relations of particulars.

Reality-something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists

necessarily

Society-community, nation or broad grouping of people having common

traditions institutions and collective and activities and interests.

Who are The Pastor’s Kid

Literally, they are the offspring of the Pastors. Descriptively, they are the

ones who grew up in the Church, grew up with the ministry.

Figuratively, they are known or being judged as the “holy child”

Pastor’s kids are often judges as kids who do not mingle with ordinary

people, or on the contrary, they are the ones who are always ready to mingle

with other kids. They should always be presentable. Their actions are

watched and counted by people outside. Other people think that they should

not laugh loud, they should not hangout, and they should not…. And

should……

These kids are mostly confined to live in a life of SHOULDS and SHOULD

NOTS. Most often than not, their lives are like an open movie for everyone,

open for likes and critics.

What these Kids do?

Environment Positive Negative

Outside the Church

(with friends, at school,

They share the word of

God

They tend to forget who

they are.

in the community) Their lives becomes a

living testimony for

others

They help others in a

Christian Way

They are being judged

by other people.

At Home Feel more comfortable

at their own comfort

zones.

Feel free from the

judgments of the

society

Inside the Church They feel safe, and not

different at times.

They tend to conform

with the practices, even

though at times, they

are just forced to do

such.

What are the effects of the Labels given by the society to them?

Any person being labelled by other people will of course feel sad, and get

hurt.

Two things might happen to the labelled ones and that is (1) they prove

other people that the judgment is wrong and (2) they live with the judgment

and prove that the other people are right with their judgment.

In due relevance with the labelling theory which was also propounded by

George Herbert Mead, the society or the “other people” “outsiders” do really

contribute to the creation of one’s self identity. Nevertheless, whatever the

society would say, it will really affect the formation of identity of a person,

especially if the labelling started at the early age of their lives.

Is there any importance in understanding them?

Of course, it is important to understand the life of these kids. Not only

because they are literally part of the family, but these kids live in a life with

thin boundaries of standards from being normal to above normal members of

the society. They do have special needs in which not only the members of

the family should understand but as well as their friends, teachers, and the

community in whole. They should not be treated as “holy child” who

shouldn’t be dirty and playing with ordinary kids. They should not receive

extra or very special treatment because they also need to learn from their

own and out from their liberty, they can learn lessons in life, in which would

become a factor for them to grow as responsible members of the Church and

the Society.

Chapter II

The Related Literature

The following articles were considered as related literature by the

researcher. The primary source of the articles is the Internet.

Pastor's Kids: living a life most people could never comprehend

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-such-a-

target.html

Last month   here  at Survive and Thrive Ministry Wives I wrote about

protecting our PK's (pastor's kids) from the enemy's assignment. We know

that it is the goal of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy all of us, (John 10:10)

however I believe he has a special assignment against PK's. First of all, he

knows that the greatest way to hurt a pastor is to hurt their kids! I can

handle a lot of things in life, with grace. But harm my kids, and it's not a

pretty scene. I am like a Momma bear, protecting her cubs, as most mothers

are. There was once a mother who who was walking along pushing her baby

in a stroller. Suddenly a pit bull appeared and ran up to the stroller and

began barking and growling. Two men were off in the distance and saw

this. One man exclaimed to the other, "oh no!"  and the other man said, "Oh

no is right!  I feel sorry for that pit bull!"  One thing is for sure, mothers have

a natural instinct to protect their children that sometimes borders on

craziness. In the pastorate, ministry wives have an immense challenge in

protecting their PK in the natural as life for the child of a minister is often so

complicated. 

PK's walk such a tightrope between needing to be treated as normal kids,

and having a few perks to offset the often challenging things they face.  You

often hear admonitions for people in the church to "treat PK's as they would

any other child" and indeed it is important to give them room to be

themselves, and to just be kids. However at the same time it's important to

give them some benefits or recognition to encourage them. These are the

things that often keep PK's going when the going gets tough.

This past month during pastor appreciation one of our pastors -- George

Dearborn and his family, came to the platform to do a presentation for my

husband and I and they asked our children to come to the platform.  They

honored them with gifts and then the Dearborn's daughter Rebecca, now age

23, shared how important it is to encourage PK's because in her words, they

are "often harshly judged and live life under a microscope."  

Rebecca (affectionately known as Becca) shares the following about how

PK's can be a target of mistreatment at the hands of unhappy

parishoners:  "There was a difficult situation at my Dad's first church that he

pastored in New Hampshire where the pastor's children were required to

attend the church's Christian school. I was in the third grade. At this school

and church one family was pretty much in charge of everything. Then when

my father came along with a vision for change and growth and they didn't

like that much. The children of this family went to the school I was good

friends with the daughter but the son used to pick on me until  I screamed or

cried or both. His grandmother was the principal of the school and never

punished him for anything that he did to me. This was mostly because of the

problems she had with my father. She took it out on me. I remember coming

home and crying, sitting under my desk crying, and getting detention for

yelling at him to stop bothering me. This lady always accused me of all of

this being my fault and she hated me simply because my Dad was a good

pastor. After that I vowed to NEVER go to a church school ever again, and my

mom agreed with me because of what I went through, and thankfully never

made me do that again." 

It is said that vocational ministry defies explanation to those living outside of

it.  This also extends to the offspring of pastors. The children pay the price at

times for people who are angry at decisions their parents have made. 

Jealousy is another factor. People become envious of the smallest things,

with little knowledge or regard for how much children have sacrificed for

those blessings.  For instance, our children have "grown up in the church" -

literally.  Larry and I have both worked there full time since they were all

three born.  I nursed and diapered babies in between meetings and they've

taken naps while I've counseled.  We had cribs in the church office, 

and closets full of toys. Playing tag and hide and go seek in the church as

well as skating or biking in the parking lot were common.  The church is truly

their second home and many times they probably felt like it was their

first. Sometimes they love it, sometimes they hate it.  They have their ups

and downs.  In practically living there, they are able to do things other kids

are not.  It can get old living at the church day after day. Like most parents,

we try to make it fun and accentuate the positive.

One summer day when the boys were little, they were playing at the church

while we worked.  At one point during the day, a woman dropped by to

do something at the church and she had her  children with her.  Earlier,

Jordan had come into his Dad's office, asked for a piece of paper out and

started drawing. He was busily amusing himself while Larry and I worked. 

Suddenly some of the other children ran into the secretary's office and asked

for paper and supplies to draw on.  She said she did not have supplies on

hand to give to all of the children. The other children's mother angrily

stepped in and grabbed Jordan's paper off of of the table where he was

drawing and said,"if my children don't get a piece of paper, neither does

he!"  Keep in mind Jordan was quite young at this point and he was

defenseless against this woman.  He said, "I am allowed to have a piece of

paper from my Daddy's office.  He gave it to me to draw on while I was

waiting."  The woman wouldn't hear of it and said, "It's not fair.  If my kids

don't get paper, you aren't getting it either just because you're the pastor's

son!"  She snatched it away, put it in her purse and left with it.  Jordan

was upset (and rightfully so) but I didn't find out about this until the whole

thing was over and the people were gone from the building that day.  Keep

in mind, when those other children left with their mother and went on to play

at home or do other things, my son was still waiting at the church, finding

things to do while we worked.     

You might think a situation over a piece of paper is small but it's the principle

of the thing that I want to get across. You see, the woman in question was

just "stopping by the church" for a brief time to do something and happened

to have her children along. She wasn't spending most of her waking hours at

the church. She was also not employed there. To illustrate in another way...if

you owned a sandwich shop or even managed one, if your child came to the

shop and you gave them a piece of cheese to eat, would anyone be upset

about it?  No. You run the shop.  The fact that your kid is there and ate a

piece of cheese would be no surprise to anyone nor would it be seen as

inappropriate.  What is different between a piece of paper and a piece of

cheese?  Nothing. But for some reason, in ministry things are

different. Sandwich shop owners/manager's children are not under a

microscope nor are there any expectations to any great degree unless they

are older and happen to work there.  However for pastor's kids the variables

are enormous, throughout their lifetime.  My own boys have faced these

challenges and thankfully experienced  breakthroughs and emotional healing

at pastor's kids camps and retreats. I've never attended one of those but my

children tell me they are filled with many crying children at the altar,

reaching out to God and others for hope and healing. 

A pastor friend of ours had some church members question the fact that his

children played basketball in the church gym that was normally locked/off

limits during non-service or event times. Some members also got upset that

his kids played video games in the fellowship hall while the pastor was

working. The pastor explained to them that his children had given up a

considerable amount that their children never had to. Their children did not

have a vacation cut short because someone died and their parents had

to come home and do a funeral. Their children did not wait long periods of

time after services to go home because their parents had a line of people

waiting to talk to them. Their children didn't have the phone ring non-stop at

home for their parents, interrupting their family time and  often taking their

attention away at times when the kids really wanted it or needed it. Their

children didn't grow up in the "fishbowl" that is the ministry, often a cruel

place when it should be a nurturing one. He explained that for all that his

children had to deal with in their lives, the perk of playing in the gym or

fellowship hall during "off times" was quite small in comparison.  

Children are children and as such as still learning and growing in dealing with

jealousies and other such negative emotions.  What amazes me is when

ADULTS who should know better become jealous of  things PK's receive

versus what their child gets, or what they perceive is the glamorous life of

the PK,  living in the limelight and being continually bestowed with

blessings. The truth is, what blessings children of full time ministers receive

in exchange for the burden they bear is quite small. 

One parishoner was upset years ago and spoke to my husband and I about

"keeping our children's blessings a secret from the other children in the

church so that there would be no hurt feelings."  Again, to relate this

back back to the comparison of the sandwich shop/manager's child -- would

such a person go to great lengths to hide the fact that their child ate a piece

of cheese?  Of course not.  Think about this - if a child's parents owned a sub

shop they would probably say to their friends, "I  love that I can have

sandwiches from my parents shop anytime I want to.  It's a cool part of

them having this shop."  Nobody would think a thing of it, in fact they would

probably say, "that's great that he/she has that benefit." Why should a

pastor's child have tohide their blessings because other kids might be

jealous?  It seems to me it would be a marvelous time for those parents

to teach their children about the dangers of envy and jealousy.

Just because minister's children have some additional blessings doesn't

mean there should be unfair demands.  PK's must be released of unfair

expectations by the congregation (after all, they didn't ask for this life nor

sign up for it), and it's important that they have a few blessings unique to

them.  It helps them to see that there are actually some benefits to being

PK's and it's not all sacrifice.  It encourages them that God's people love

them and want to reach out to them in special ways.  While they are "normal

kids" they are not exactly the same as every other child in the church, as

what they live with is often a yielding of their immediate desire for that of

the church people.  For that sacrifice, it is nice to be rewarded once in a

while.

Pastor's wives, it's important that we watch out for our kids and be there to

correct injusticeswhen we see them.  It's also helpful to explain to others

that our children are in a unique and sometimes challenging situation that is

helped by understanding a periodic blessings along the way.   Our children

didn't sign up for ministry - we answered the call and thereby put them

there.  Now that they are there it's important that we watch out for them,

and make sure they don't get swallowed up by the jealousy or envy of

others who take opportunities to knock them down a peg or two whenever

the opportunity presents itself.  It's so sad to say but there are those sick

people in the church who actually love it when the pastor's kid screws up

because then it makes them feel that their kids aren't so bad, or that they

aren't such a bad parent.  That is just unconscionable to me that some

people would actually think that, but they do.  Sadly there are those who are

just waiting for the PK to  make a mistake because somehow they believe in

their erroneous minds that it makes them or their child look better.  Of

course we know there's only one thing that makes this better -- those folks

getting to the altar and and being changed by God.  We can't change them,

only the Holy Spirit can.  But in the meantime, while we are waiting for

them to be changed, they can really affect our kids unless we keep an eye

on the situation.  Mothers in the faith, we must be diligent watchwomen on

the wall for our children both in the spirit and in the natural.

It's a shame that we should even have to speak of such an issue but it is

reality to affect PK's for a LONG time.  Recently I encountered a man who is a

PK and is still coming to grips with hurts from when he was a child and not

only received no blessings for sacrifices made but dealt with a lot

of injustice.  He recalls a situation 30 years ago when he the church his

father pastored was having an evangelism/attendance contest and was

giving an Easter bunny away to the child who brought the most visitors for

Easter.  He wanted to try along with all of the other kids to win the bunny,

but the church purposely excluded him, thinking that if the pastor's son won,

it would be favoritism. This man says the following:  "[When I was growing

up] if you were a pastor's kid or a child of the Sunday School Superintendent

you were always disqualified from any real good incentives by the fine print

of the contest to avoid any special treatment complaints. This always

bugged me and 30 years later still does."  

I'm sure some people will think that is petty and that it is ridiculous that a

man is still upset about such thirty years later. However keep in mind he isn't

simply upset about an Easter bunny.  He is dealing with the aftermath of

an entire childhood filled with such injustices.  The cost of  repeated

situations like this in PK's lives can be tremendous, so much so that many

walk away from the church and ultimately the Lord.  

 Last month Pastor George's wife Irene closed the time of sharing about our

children by saying something to this effect: "Due to these kind of things in

their lives [that Becca described], many PK's do not end up serving the Lord.

But our pastor's kids ARE serving the Lord. And for this we are very

thankful." 

Indeed.  I am very thankful.  And intentional.  Pastor's wives,  remember

that few understand or comprehend the life your children live.  You are their

advocate here on earth.  Yes, they have Jesus but you are "Jesus with skin

on."  Of the Proverbs 31 woman, the message Bible says, "She keeps an eye

on everyone in her household..." (Verse 17)  Take up your role as nurturer

and protector of those God has entrusted to you.  Keep an eye on them and

protect them as much as you can from the unfair treatment,expectations

and jealousy of others.   

Growing up as a pastor's kid

What is it like to grow up in the home of a pastor? Two children, now grown

adults, share their perspectives on this experience and what it meant to

have a dad who was a church leader. Are you a pastor's child? Share your

stories and thoughts at churches@fotf.ca.

http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/pastors/pastors/growing-up-as-a-pastors-kid

Often, people perceive the concept of growing up in a pastor’s home in a

generally negative way. For example, you’ve probably heard stories of

children who had a distant, preoccupied pastor father, or those who had

pastor dads who held impossibly high expectations.

Thankfully, this has not been my experience as a pastor’s kid. I can’t think of

a better way to “raise a child in the way they should go” than to be raised in

a healthy and vibrant Christian community. I myself, now at age 24, have

had the profound blessing to be raised in the context of such an environment

within the body of believers who took a genuine concern and responsibility

for my spiritual life. Church has been and will always be my family and a

place where I can find encouragement, support and spiritual nutrition in my

walk with Jesus.

As a young boy, it was in church that I was guided through the Bible stories

of people who obeyed God and experienced blessing, and those who

disobeyed and suffered the consequences. Most importantly, I learned about

a God of mercy and love who sacrificed His only Son Jesus to save me from

the penalty of my sin. When I was seven, it was in a Sunday school

classroom that I made the decision to invite Jesus into my heart and

apologize to God for the bad things I had done.

The body of Christ was truly a community around me while I was growing up.

For example, when I took an interest in music, it was a church member who

gave me a guitar and taught me not only how to play skillfully but to do it to

the glory of God. When looking for a job, church members stepped in and

taught me their trades. After I graduated from high school and got involved

in missions, the church prayerfully and financially supported me. This and

countless other instances of direct church involvement have marked my life

in a significant way.

I am deeply grateful to have been raised as a pastor’s kid within the

community of the church and can confidently testify to God’s active grace in

using the church to raise up and edify its people. I can’t imagine where I

would be in my faith journey without the constant involvement of committed

people that gave so much to me.

By Jeremy MacDonald

Growing up as a pastor’s kid didn't always feel like an amazing experience at

the time. But, looking back, I don't think I really knew how much God was

using it to bless my life and grow me into the woman I am today.

I knew everyone in our church. I can remember all of their names, and I

developed a true sense of community amongst the members of our church

and was able to experience what a church family really looked and felt like.

I felt so connected and felt as though God was using me in a small way to

benefit those in my church family. He also used the lives of other church

members to speak deeply into my life and help me develop my faith journey.

It wasn't just my dad that God was using; God was using me, too.

I do admit there were times when, as a pastor’s kid, I thought I was being

lectured with one of those “mini sermons.” You know the ones I mean! But

the older I got, the more I deeply appreciated hearing a variety of people,

including my mom and dad, speak into my life about God. Now, as an adult

with my own family, I often find myself going back to some of the

conversations we had.

God used these experiences to really grow in me a heart for people and for

servanthood. I would watch every week as my parents opened our home to

invite people in for a meal or for Bible study. I was able to watch mom and

dad as they served those in our church and loved on them by inviting them

into our home. The value of time together with people really impacted my

life. I thank God for the opportunity to be a pastor’s kid.

By Jodie Lemke 

My Life as a Pastor's Kid

Honest Thoughts on Life as a Pastor’s Kid

http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/164018-sarah-weber-

honest-thoughts-life-pastors-kid.html

For 26 years I have been a PK (PK= Pastor’s Kid).

I have watched my dad closely over the years as he has moved from youth

pastor to church planter to senior pastor.

Through the years I got an inside look into ministry and took lots of notes

during the journey.

So here are some lessons I learned from being a PK:

1. Actions Affect More Than Yourself.

It appears to me everyone is born with the same “me-myself-and I”

mentality. It is like we are the stars of our own show and everyone else are

just extras.

Being a PK made it loud and clear this life is not to be lived selfishly.

When myself or my siblings would sneak into the baptismal pool, run around

the church or play pranks on other church members, my dad would hear

about it and would have to deal with our mishaps. Our actions affected him

and my mother.

So even though we are all guilty of living selfishly, I learned when I only think

about myself, the consequences tend to trickle out to other people in my life.

2. People Watch and Wait for Failure.

In high school I was really involved in our church’s youth group. Anytime

there was a youth event I was there. More often than not, I’d help carpool

students to events.

One day, in my sweet Ford Probe, I dropped a younger girl off at her house.

Not two minutes later did I get a phone call from my dad asking me if I was

smoking in my car.

Really? Me smoke? I’m 17 and at a youth event.

Turns out, I was eating an apple caramel lollipop when I had dropped the

young girl off. The mom looked out the window and saw the white stick

coming out of my mouth and assumed I was smoking and gave my dad a

call.

I wasn’t angry at that mom. But many moments after that in my life taught

me the world is watching us a Christians. And they wait and hope for the

moments when we fail. 

As Christians we must live above reproach, because we never know

who is watching us and how we may unintentionally harm the image

of Christ. 

3. Christians Need Forgiveness.

My family went though some rough times when I was in junior high.

Like things that families should never be put through by other members of

the church body.

I became familiar with church splits, angry deacons and other things at the

tender ages of 11-13. Some of the things that happened to my family gave

me (and all my siblings) a legitimate reason to hate the church and

Christians.

But Christ is bigger than our sins.

Christ is bigger than church splits and rumours.

At a young age I learned the importance of forgiveness as I watched my

parents walk through forgiving their transgressors.

As a church body we should always love each other. But when other

Christians fail us or hurt us, we must choose to forgive.

I could list off many more lessons but for the sake of your time I’ll stop here.

Final thoughts for Pastors:

1. Be wise in your decisions because your children are watching you ever so

closely.

2. Encourage your children with the Word.

3. Make time daily to pray with your children. My dad did this through the

entire time I lived at home and that time together was priceless. 

Pastor's Kids: living a life most people could never comprehend

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-such-a-

target.html

Last month   here  at Survive and Thrive Ministry Wives I wrote about

protecting our PK's (pastor's kids) from the enemy's assignment. We know

that it is the goal of the enemy to steal, kill and destroy all of us, (John 10:10)

however I believe he has a special assignment against PK's. First of all, he

knows that the greatest way to hurt a pastor is to hurt their kids! I can

handle a lot of things in life, with grace. But harm my kids, and it's not a

pretty scene. I am like a Momma bear, protecting her cubs, as most mothers

are. There was once a mother who was walking along pushing her baby in a

stroller. Suddenly a pit bull appeared and ran up to the stroller and began

barking and growling. Two men were off in the distance and saw this. One

man exclaimed to the other, "oh no!"  And the other man said, "Oh no is

right!  I feel sorry for that pit bull!"  One thing is for sure, mothers have a

natural instinct to protect their children that sometimes borders on

craziness. In the pastorate, ministry wives have an immense challenge in

protecting their PK in the natural as life for the child of a minister is often so

complicated. 

PK's walk such a tightrope between needing to be treated as normal kids,

and having a few perks to offset the often challenging things they face.  You

often hear admonitions for people in the church to "treat PK's as they would

any other child" and indeed it is important to give them room to be

themselves, and to just be kids. However at the same time it's important to

give them some benefits or recognition to encourage them. These are the

things that often keep PK's going when the going gets tough.

This past month during pastor appreciation one of our pastors -- George

Dearborn and his family, came to the platform to do a presentation for my

husband and I and they asked our children to come to the platform.  They

honoured them with gifts and then the Dearborn's daughter Rebecca, now

age 23, shared how important it is to encourage PK's because in her words,

they are "often harshly judged and live life under a microscope."  

Rebecca (affectionately known as Becca) shares the following about how

PK's can be a target of mistreatment at the hands of unhappy

parishioners:  "There was a difficult situation at my Dad's first church that he

pastored in New Hampshire where the pastor's children were required to

attend the church's Christian school. I was in the third grade. At this school

and church one family was pretty much in charge of everything. Then when

my father came along with a vision for change and growth and they didn't

like that much. The children of this family went to the school I was good

friends with the daughter but the son used to pick on me until  I screamed or

cried or both. His grandmother was the principal of the school and never

punished him for anything that he did to me. This was mostly because of the

problems she had with my father. She took it out on me. I remember coming

home and crying, sitting under my desk crying, and getting detention for

yelling at him to stop bothering me. This lady always accused me of all of

this being my fault and she hated me simply because my Dad was a good

pastor. After that I vowed to NEVER go to a church school ever again, and my

mom agreed with me because of what I went through, and thankfully never

made me do that again." 

It is said that vocational ministry defies explanation to those living outside of

it.  This also extends to the offspring of pastors. The children pay the price at

times for people who are angry at decisions their parents have made. 

Jealousy is another factor. People become envious of the smallest things,

with little knowledge or regard for how much children have sacrificed for

those blessings.  For instance, our children have "grown up in the church" -

literally.  Larry and I have both worked there full time since they were all

three born.  I nursed and diapered babies in between meetings and they've

taken naps while I've counselled.  We had cribs in the church

office, and closets full of toys. Playing tag and hide and go seek in the church

as well as skating or biking in the parking lot were common.  The church is

truly their second home and many times they probably felt like it was their

first. Sometimes they love it, sometimes they hate it.  They have their ups

and downs.  In practically living there, they are able to do things other kids

are not.  It can get old living at the church day after day. Like most parents,

we try to make it fun and accentuate the positive.

One summer day when the boys were little, they were playing at the church

while we worked.  At one point during the day, a woman dropped by to

do something at the church and she had her children with her.  Earlier,

Jordan had come into his Dad's office, asked for a piece of paper out and

started drawing. He was busily amusing himself while Larry and I worked. 

Suddenly some of the other children ran into the secretary's office and asked

for paper and supplies to draw on.  She said she did not have supplies on

hand to give to all of the children. The other children's mother angrily

stepped in and grabbed Jordan's paper off of the table where he was drawing

and said, “if my children don't get a piece of paper, neither does he!"  Keep

in mind Jordan was quite young at this point and he was defenceless against

this woman.  He said, "I am allowed to have a piece of paper from my

Daddy's office.  He gave it to me to draw on while I was waiting."  The

woman wouldn't hear of it and said, "It's not fair.  If my kids don't get paper,

you aren't getting it either just because you're the pastor's son!"  She

snatched it away, put it in her purse and left with it.  Jordan was upset (and

rightfully so) but I didn't find out about this until the whole thing was over

and the people were gone from the building that day.  Keep in mind, when

those other children left with their mother and went on to play at home or do

other things, my son was still waiting at the church, finding things to do while

we worked.     

You might think a situation over a piece of paper is small but it's the principle

of the thing that I want to get across. You see, the woman in question was

just "stopping by the church" for a brief time to do something and happened

to have her children along. She wasn't spending most of her waking hours at

the church. She was also not employed there. To illustrate in another way...if

you owned a sandwich shop or even managed one, if your child came to the

shop and you gave them a piece of cheese to eat, would anyone be upset

about it?  No. You run the shop.  The fact that your kid is there and ate a

piece of cheese would be no surprise to anyone nor would it be seen as

inappropriate.  What is different between a piece of paper and a piece of

cheese?  Nothing. But for some reason, in ministry things are

different. Sandwich shop owners/manager's children are not under a

microscope nor are there any expectations to any great degree unless they

are older and happen to work there.  However for pastor's kids the variables

are enormous, throughout their lifetime.  My own boys have faced these

challenges and thankfully experienced breakthroughs and emotional healing

at pastor's kids’ camps and retreats. I've never attended one of those but my

children tell me they are filled with many crying children at the altar,

reaching out to God and others for hope and healing. 

A pastor friend of ours had some church members question the fact that his

children played basketball in the church gym that was normally locked/off

limits during non-service or event times. Some members also got upset that

his kids played video games in the fellowship hall while the pastor was

working. The pastor explained to them that his children had given up a

considerable amount that their children never had to. Their children did not

have a vacation cut short because someone died and their parents had

to come home and do a funeral. Their children did not wait long periods of

time after services to go home because their parents had a line of people

waiting to talk to them. Their children didn't have the phone ring non-stop at

home for their parents, interrupting their family time and  often taking their

attention away at times when the kids really wanted it or needed it. Their

children didn't grow up in the "fishbowl" that is the ministry, often a cruel

place when it should be a nurturing one. He explained that for all that his

children had to deal with in their lives, the perk of playing in the gym or

fellowship hall during "off times" was quite small in comparison.  

Children are children and as such as still learning and growing in dealing with

jealousies and other such negative emotions.  What amazes me is when

ADULTS who should know better become jealous of things PK's receive

versus what their child gets, or what they perceive is the glamorous life of

the PK, living in the limelight and being continually bestowed with

blessings. The truth is, what blessings children of full time ministers receive

in exchange for the burden they bear is quite small. 

One parishioner was upset years ago and spoke to my husband and I about

"keeping our children's blessings a secret from the other children in the

church so that there would be no hurt feelings."  Again, to relate this back to

the comparison of the sandwich shop/manager's child -- would such a person

go to great lengths to hide the fact that their child ate a piece of cheese?  Of

course not.  Think about this - if a child's parents owned a sub shop they

would probably say to their friends, "I  love that I can have sandwiches from

my parents shop anytime I want to.  It's a cool part of them having this

shop."  Nobody would think a thing of it, in fact they would probably

say, "That’s great that he/she has that benefit." Why should a pastor's child

have to hide their blessings because other kids might be jealous?  It seems

to me it would be a marvellous time for those parents to teach their

children about the dangers of envy and jealousy.

Just because minister's children have some additional blessings doesn't

mean there should be unfair demands.  PK's must be released of unfair

expectations by the congregation (after all, they didn't ask for this life nor

sign up for it), and it's important that they have a few blessings unique to

them.  It helps them to see that there are actually some benefits to being

PK's and it's not all sacrifice.  It encourages them that God's people love

them and want to reach out to them in special ways.  While they are "normal

kids" they are not exactly the same as every other child in the church, as

what they live with is often a yielding of their immediate desire for that of

the church people.  For that sacrifice, it is nice to be rewarded once in a

while.

Pastor's wives, it's important that we watch out for our kids and be there to

correct injustices when we see them.  It's also helpful to explain to others

that our children are in a unique and sometimes challenging situation that is

helped by understanding a periodic blessings along the way.   Our children

didn't sign up for ministry - we answered the call and thereby put them

there.  Now that they are there it's important that we watch out for them,

and make sure they don't get swallowed up by the jealousy or envy of

others who take opportunities to knock them down a peg or two whenever

the opportunity presents itself.  It's so sad to say but there are those sick

people in the church who actually love it when the pastor's kid screws up

because then it makes them feel that their kids aren't so bad, or that they

aren't such a bad parent.  That is just unconscionable to me that some

people would actually think that, but they do.  Sadly there are those who are

just waiting for the PK to make a mistake because somehow they believe in

their erroneous minds that it makes them or their child look better.  Of

course we know there's only one thing that makes this better -- those folks

getting to the altar and being changed by God.  We can't change them, only

the Holy Spirit can.  But in the meantime, while we are waiting for them to be

changed, they can really affect our kids unless we keep an eye on the

situation.  Mothers in the faith, we must be diligent watchwomen on the wall

for our children both in the spirit and in the natural.

It's a shame that we should even have to speak of such an issue but it is

reality to affect PK's for a LONG time.  Recently I encountered a man who is a

PK and is still coming to grips with hurts from when he was a child and not

only received no blessings for sacrifices made but dealt with a lot

of injustice.  He recalls a situation 30 years ago when he the church his

father pastored was having an evangelism/attendance contest and was

giving an Easter bunny away to the child who brought the most visitors for

Easter.  He wanted to try along with all of the other kids to win the bunny,

but the church purposely excluded him, thinking that if the pastor's son won,

it would be favouritism. This man says the following:  "[When I was growing

up] if you were a pastor's kid or a child of the Sunday School Superintendent

you were always disqualified from any real good incentives by the fine print

of the contest to avoid any special treatment complaints. This always

bugged me and 30 years later still does."  

I'm sure some people will think that is petty and that it is ridiculous that a

man is still upset about such thirty years later. However keep in mind he isn't

simply upset about an Easter bunny.  He is dealing with the aftermath of

an entire childhood filled with such injustices.  The cost of repeated

situations like this in PK's lives can be tremendous, so much so that many

walk away from the church and ultimately the Lord.  

 Last month Pastor George's wife Irene closed the time of sharing about our

children by saying something to this effect: "Due to these kind of things in

their lives [that Becca described], many PK's do not end up serving the Lord.

But our pastor's kids ARE serving the Lord. And for this we are very

thankful." 

Indeed.  I am very thankful.  And intentional.  Pastor's wives, remember

that few understand or comprehend the life your children live.  You are their

advocate here on earth.  Yes, they have Jesus but you are "Jesus with skin

on."  Of the Proverbs 31 woman, the message Bible says, "She keeps an eye

on everyone in her household..." (Verse 17)  Take up your role as nurturer

and protector of those God has entrusted to you.  Keep an eye on them and

protect them as much as you can from the unfair treatment,expectations

and jealousy of others.   

Chapter III

The Research Method

The methods and procedures used in this study is presented in this chapter,

the research design, and the subjects.

Research Design: in this study, I used the descriptive method, which

consist of informations gathered, analysed and summarized along certain

lines of thoughts for this study.

Subjects: The subject of this study are the Pastor’s kids.

Chapter IV

Presentation, Analysis and Interpretation of Data

Table 1 shows the Number of Pastor’s Kids covered by the research.

(Offsprings of KTKK Pastors)

28%

25%

43%

4%

Elementary Students High School Students College Students Married

Most often than not, these Pastor’s Kids spend more time in school, and

there, they experience a new environment and at times, judgments and

extensive care. The school is their second home.

Among the percentages above, at least 30%-40% experienced to be bullied,

pre-judged by the society. But nevertheless, the remaining percentage

experienced overwhelming acceptance and love from the community.

Chapter V

Summary, Conclusion and Recommendations

Being a Pastor’s kid is not an easy one, many people, the elders from the

church, and specifically the church members are the one who have a high

expectation and always watching with regards for their action, testimony and

even for their failure. But in some other ways, Being a Pastor kids is really a

blessings and really enjoyed the privileges’ and provision coming from God.

Therefore, being a pastor’s kid has advantages and disadvantages because

the reality speaks that these children are also human, they commit mistakes,

and experience failures. But in the eyes of many people and church

members they were also a blessings.

References

Internet References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-

such-a-target.html

http://www.takerootandwrite.com/2009/11/pastors-kids-why-are-they-

such-a-target.html

http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/pastors/pastors/growing-up-as-a-

pastors-kid