February 2006 ISSN AIPractitionerways of letting go and enabling and fostering a sense of autonomy...

Lessons Learned from Living from the Heart ofAppreciative Inquiry

Ilene [email protected]

CONTENTS

1 Lessons Learned from Livingfrom the Heart of AI

3 About our Contributors

5 Walking the Talk: ThePrinciples of AI in Daily Living

9 Judging a Book by Its Cover?Re-Designing Our Perceptionsof Ourselves and Others froman Appreciative Perspective

11 Can I “Be” AI and Still FeelPain?

15 Appreciative Parenting:Immediate Impact and Long-term Intent of an AppreciativeConversation with a Child

20 Being a New Mother as myMetaphor for Nurturing Life-giving Forces in my Work

22 Strengthening BoundariesAnd Connections As A ParentOf Teenagers

27 Learning To Live AI In OurRelationships While Writing aBook about Living Relationally

29 A Passionate Presence -Appreciating Person CentredConnections

31 Living Our Destiny: OneGroup's Story of Forming andLiving Appreciative Practice

37 About the May 2006 issue:Getting Started: Secrets toInitiating and Contracting forSuccessful Large Inquiries

39 AI World Contacts

AI Practitioner is publishedquarterly in February, May,

August and November.To subscribe go to

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AI PractitionerThe international journal of AI best practice

February 2006 ISSN 1741-8224

IntroductionSince people started learning and applying the principles of AppreciativeInquiry, many of us have shared stories with each other about how AI ismore than a tool: it is a way of being and an orientation toward living.

Two particular questions I have found compelling for some time are:How does what we learn and develop as we work enhance how we relatein our personal lives, and how does what we learn in relating with ourfamilies and communities enhance the work we do in the world? Thesequestions have been the invitation and inspiration for this issue of the AIPractitioner. As we are a community of practitioners who share acommitment to a particular approach to our work, the invitation was toreflect on how we integrate our intentions for being in our work in ourevery day personal lives. The responses we had to these questions havebeen personal, insightful, and generative.

The contributors to this issue have provided rich examples of howAppreciative Inquiry, as a paradigm, a social construct and amethodology provides guidance for being in relationships in ways thatbring life to possibilities be they personal, consultative, managerial orparental. Living the principles is not something we turn on or off,depending on the context. Attending to how one engages with people,circumstances and challenges both in one’s work life and one’s personallife is mutually reinforcing. Further, the very relationships we fosterbecome our daily reminders of how our words and our intentions createthe vision of what we are moving toward and generate the social worldswe aspire to live.

What you will find in this issueWe begin with an article by Jackie Kelm, Walking the Talk: The Principles ofAI in Daily Living. Jackie presents a model of appreciating, imagining andacting and provides personal examples from healthy living as well asfrom the relationship with her son. In Susan Belgard’s Judging a Book by

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Its Cover? Re-Designing Our Perceptions of Ourselves and Others from an Appreciative Perspectiveshe shows how “Words Create Worlds” or the Constructionist Principle plays a crucial rolein interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. With A Passionate Presence – AppreciatingPerson Centered Connections Julie Barnes brings together her passion for Carl Rogers' workand AI. Used together, she says, “I connect with my creative energy and my ideas andactions flow.”

But is AI only about addressing positive experiences? Where is the place for pain,struggle, loss, vulnerability and social injustices? These questions frequently arise in ourwork. Joan Colleran Hoxsey in Can I “Be” AI and Still Feel Pain? addresses these commonlyasked questions about Appreciative Inquiry in the context of her experience facing a painfulpersonal tragedy. Cheri Torres and Jackie Stavros share their heartfelt reflections about whatthey learned about living AI in their relationship as co-authors of a book, in their article,Learning To Live AI In Our Relationships While Writing a Book about Living.

Three of the articles in this issue are about parenting. Whether you are a parent, workingwith children, or involved with children in some other way, each of these articles engagesyou in a conversation about how to nurture growthful relationships with children, and theassociation between the quality of relationships we foster with children and making theworld a better place to live. Dawn Dole, in Appreciative Parenting: Immediate Impact and Long-term Intent of an Appreciative Conversation with a Child, talks about her professional workcreating a parenting center and offers us specific questions that invite engagingconversations with children. Morgan Zantua writes about the magical surprise of becoming afirst-time parent in her 50’s in, Being a New Mother as my Metaphor for Nurturing Life-givingForces in my Work. As a peace and justice worker in the global arena, she discusses howbecoming a parent strengthened the imperative to increase the depths of the positiveconversations and sustainable change in her work. In Strengthening Boundaries AndConnections As A Parent Of Teenagers, I focus on the teenage years. Sustaining a positive andsupportive relationship during these years becomes particularly challenging in a sea ofpublic discourse about teens that is very deficit based. This article suggests that there areways of letting go and enabling and fostering a sense of autonomy and independence duringthe teen years that both elevates the best of your children, while maintaining the importantparent/child connection.

Finally, we have an inspiring piece from members of the Broccoli Alliance, thePhiladelphia, Pennsylvania based AI group. In this piece, Amy Steffen, Lonnie Weiss, NancyAronson, and Ferne Kuhn, describe the inspiring journey of this group of eleven AIpractitioners in Living Our Destiny: One Group's Story of Forming and Living AppreciativePractice.

As with all issues of the AI Practitioner, we aspired to provide a diversity of material froma diverse group of contributors. The diversity of our contributors is found in the span of age(from late 20's to mid 60's) and stages of life, family and personal life constellations. We hopeyou enjoy the ideas and questions that are provoked by this issue and join this conversationin future issues.

Ilene WassermanGuest editor, February 2006

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About our Contributors – in order of appearanceGuest editorIlene Wasserman, PhD leads and supports whole systems change efforts that promote diverseand inclusive organizational cultures. She works with senior leadership and work teams to bringto life the possibilities of engagement differences. Ilene is a founding principal of ICWConsulting Services and an Adjunct Professor at the Fielding Graduate [email protected]

Walking the Talk: The Principles of AI in Daily LivingJackie Kelm is an author, speaker and life coach who helps people apply AI on apersonal level. Before this, she was a manager in a leadership and organizational changegroup for a large consulting firm. She lives in Raleigh, North Carolina with her husbandand two children. [email protected]

Judging a Book by its Cover? Re-Designing Our Perceptions of Ourselves and Othersfrom an Appreciative PerspectiveSusan Belgard is a life, business and executive coach, group facilitator, and AIPractitioner and trainer. Her passions include delivering teleclasses and in-personworkshops using AI and coaching techniques to foster and advance personal andorganizational growth in a variety of contexts, including holistic legal education and lawpractice. www.coachingthefullspectrum.com [email protected]

Can I "Be" AI and Still Feel Pain?Joan Colleran Hoxsey D.Min., MS.ed. has over 35 years of experience working with a widevariety of not-for-profit organizations including governmental and private social serviceagencies. Her area of expertise is marriage and family development. She has directed programsincluding a governmental project for young children and their families. [email protected]

Appreciative Parenting: Immediate Impact and Long-term Intent of an AppreciativeConversation with a ChildDawn Dole is Executive Director, the Taos Institute (www.taosinstitute.net), Assistant Director,the Institute for Advances in Appreciative Inquiry, Weatherhead School of Management andKnowledge Manager, AI Commons (http://ai.cwru.edu). As a mother of two, she believesappreciation, affirmation and love are the best gifts we can offer our children as they [email protected]

Being a New Mother as my Metaphor for Nurturing Life-giving Forces in my WorkMorgan Zantua is a consultant, coach, systems designer and trainer for the Center for LearningConnections. She has BAWB Certification from Case Western and certification through theInstitute for the Study of Systems Renewal. Morgan integrates AI into her work facilitatingorganizational change to nurture a vital [email protected]

Strengthening Boundaries And Connections As A Parent Of TeenagersIlene Wasserman (see above)

Learning To Live Ai In Our Relationships While Writing a Book about Living RelationallyCheri B. Torres, MBA MA and doctoral student in Educational Psychology/ CollaborativeLearning, is a consultant with MTC Associates, LLC. She works with corporations, communityorganizations and schools developing excellence through integration and positivetransformation. She co-designed and patented an award-winning ropes course and has authorednumerous articles and books. [email protected]

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Jackie Stavros is an Associate Professor at Lawrence Technological University College ofManagement. Jackie has spent the last 12 years incorporating Appreciative Inquiry (AI)methodologies into her teaching, training and consulting work. She is editor for Taos InstitutePublishing and a Board member of the Positive Change Corps (PCC). [email protected]

A Passionate Presence - Appreciating Person Centred ConnectionsJulie Barnes is an independent consultant working in research, policy development and practiceimprovement in social care. She is a qualified personal counsellor and works with groups andorganisations to facilitate learning and change using Appreciative Inquiry and solution focussedapproaches in the [email protected]

Living Our Destiny: One Group's Story of Forming and Living Appreciative PracticeAmy Steffen helps her clients develop clarity and commitment to the future they want to create,provides guidance throughout change initiatives and offers training programs that providepractical skills and essential insights that enable them to realize their plans. Her firm, Steffen &Associates, works with business, social profit organizations and multi-stakeholder planninggroups. She is a member of the Broccoli [email protected]

Lonnie Weiss designs and facilitates strategic planning processes, policy development taskforces and systems change initiatives through her firm, Weiss Consulting, Inc. She createsenvironments conducive to multi-party collaboration and cross-boundary community building.She is a member of the Broccoli [email protected]

Nancy Aronson, Ph.D. is an independent consultant and partner in Arsht/Aronson. In herconsulting work, she brings practical, collaborative methods to organizations and communitiesfacing complex issues. She is a co-developer of the System Coherence Framework for ChangeLeadership and contributing author to Future Search in School District Change: Community,Connection and Results. She is a member of the Broccoli [email protected]

Ferne Kuhn is an independent consultant and founder of the Kuhn Consulting Group (KCG).KCG provides a variety of outcome-oriented organizational and human resource developmentservices to large corporations, small businesses, healthcare organizations and non-profit groups.She is a member of the Broccoli [email protected]

About the May 2006 issue: Secrets to Successfully Initiating and Contracting for Whole SystemInquiriesStephen P. Fitzgerald, PhD specializes in research, consultation and publication on complexcollaboration and strengths-based approaches to systemic change. He has published two books,Decision Making and Organizational Models, journal articles and book chapters on complexcollaboration and OD. He is Assistant Professor of Business Administration at Touro UniversityInternational (www.tourou.edu)[email protected]

Bernard J. Mohr M.ED, Dipl. Org'n Design, specializes in sustainable change through the co-creation of organizational arrangements that foster meaning, community and dignity. Recentbooks include Appreciative Inquiry: Change At the Speed of Imagination and The Appreciative InquirySummit: A Practitioner's Guide for Leading Large-Group Change. [email protected]

In this article, Jackie Kelm presents a simple model she created to help apply AppreciativeInquiry in daily living. The model is based on the underlying principles of AI as theyapply at the individual level.

What does it mean to “live” Appreciative Inquiry? What does it really mean to “walk thetalk?” I have spent the last several years exploring this topic at a deep level and my life hastransformed in ways beyond description. I believe the possibilities for personal change andgrowth with Appreciative Inquiry are equal to – even greater than – those in organizations.This article presents a simple three-step model I created to help apply AI in everydaysituations.

The Principles of Appreciative Inquiry

Be like the bird that,passing on her flight awhile on boughs too slight,

feels them give way beneath her,and yet sings,

knowing that she hath wings.~ Victor Hugo

My exploration into applying AI at the individual level began with an intense study of thefive original principles created by Cooperrider under the guidance of Srivastva (Cooperrider& Whitney, 1999), and five emergent ones recently proposed by AI practitioners. I researchedeach principle and summarized the essence of it as it applies in personal life:


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Walking the Talk: The Principles of AI in Daily Living

Jackie Kelm

[email protected]

The Five Original PrinciplesThe Constructionist PrincipleThe Poetic PrincipleThe Simultaneity PrincipleThe Anticipatory PrincipleThe Positive Principle

Applied at the Individual LevelReality and identity are co-createdWhatever we focus on growsWe live in the world our questions createOur images of the future become our futureFocusing on the good and feeling good leads to moregood

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These ten principles create a broad and deep paradigm from which to live. When Iconsidered the ideas together as a whole, three basic practices emerged and the AIA Processwas born.

The Appreciating-Imagining-Acting (AIA) ProcessThe Appreciating-Imagining-Acting (AIA)Process is a simple way tothink about integrating theprinciples of AI in ourpersonal lives as shown inthe following diagram(Kelm, 2005, pp. 145-155):

Appreciating the PresentThe first practice in the AIAprocess is appreciating thepresent. It suggests that welearn to see the good, theavailable learning and thepositive possibilities ofwhatever is showing up inour present experience.When difficulties arise thisstep can be easier said thandone.

People embarking onthis process usually havethe most questions about

this practice. It is easy to see how you can appreciate a beautiful sunset, but how do youappreciate a hurricane? How can you begin to feel good about a sudden job loss? When weare conditioned to see the “bad” in these situations, it is quite a task to shift our automaticthinking to see the good. Finding what’s right with others and whatever shows up in ourlives is a thinking habit that can be learned through experience, but it must be deliberatelylearned and practiced.

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APPRECIATING The Present

IMAGINING The Ideal

ACTING In Alignment

Feeling Good

Getting Clear

Taking Action

The AIA Process

www.AppreciativeLiving.com © 2005 J.Kelm

The Five Emergent PrinciplesThe Enactment Principle (Whitney & Trosten-Bloom,2003, pp. 72-74)The Free Choice Principle (ibid, pp. 75-79)The Wholeness Principle (ibid, pp. 69-71)

The Awareness Principle (Stavros & Torres, 2005, pp.79-83)The Narrative Principle (Barrett & Fry, 2005)

Applied at the Individual LevelBe the change you wish to see

True freedom comes from inner clarityWe are all inter-connected and part of a biggerwholeWe need to reflect on and be aware of underlyingassumptionsWe create stories about our lives and live into them

There are a variety of ways we can modify our thinking to shift our experience. One wayis to modify our underlying beliefs. If we don’t like what are experiencing, we can look foralternative ways to make sense of it by choosing to focus on aspects we do like. Anotherthing we can do is shift our underlying questions. Rather than asking what is wrong in thesituation, we can ask what is right, or what we want more of. We can also shift our mentalmodels by viewing the situation through the eyes of an admirer and advocate rather thanthose of a judge and executioner.

It is important in this practice to respect negative feelings and not try to bury or ignorethem. This is often a misunderstood aspect within AI. It is not the negative feelingsthemselves that we attempt to change in thinking appreciatively, it is the way we make senseof them and attach to them. Negative feelings tell us we are not focused on what we want,and that a change in thinking is in order. They sometimes let us know we are in danger. Welearn to find and appreciate the inherent learning and guidance they provide, and move on.

Positive feelings let us know we are focused on what we want and are in an appreciativespace. It can be overwhelming at first to begin thinking this way when we have a lifetime ofcritical, problem-focused habits. For now, start small. Just set an intention to find the good orto appreciate whatever you can in people or situations. One way to begin is by creating agratitude list in which you write 3-5 things each day for which you are grateful. Over timeyou will begin to notice the good more naturally.

Imagining the Ideal The next practice in the AIA process is imagining the ideal. The essence of this practice is toget clear about what you want. On a grand scale, you may create provocative images of yourideal future dreams using the 4-D cycle. On a small scale, you can create a mental picture ofwhat you want most in the moment. In either case, the stronger your feelings are about yourimages and the clearer your pictures are, the more likely they are to manifest.

I have found imagining the ideal to be a very powerful and practical daily practice. Eachmorning I take a quick look at the activities for that day and note what I want most for eachone. This simple exercise helps me get clear about what is really important to me, and it hasbeen one of the most powerful tools in helping me create a more satisfying and effective day.If I have something especially important going on, I try to spend a few minutes visualizingthe ideal outcome.

Acting In AlignmentThe last practice is acting in alignment, which means taking a small step forward to think orbehave in ways that are consistent with your greatest future images. The change can (andshould) be something small, and does not have to be a physical action. It can be a change offocus, questions or ways of perceiving.

Questions are an excellent way to begin making change, since we ask and answerquestions all day long. We can become aware of the underlying questions we ask and shift toones that bring us more of what we want (Kelm, 2005, p. 55). For example, your decisionabout what to eat for breakfast came from an internal question that might have been, “Whatcan I eat quickly for breakfast today?” Consider what would happen if you asked one


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different question in the morning such as, “What would be the healthiest thing I could eatthis morning that would leave me feeling good about myself and give me the greatest energyto start the day?” Even if you made the same breakfast choice, it would be done with adifferent mindset. If you continued to ask this same new question each morning, at somepoint you would begin to change your actions by virtue of your attention.

The key to making this practice work is small change. Small changes give our beliefsystems and support structures a chance to grow with us, which makes the changesustainable. I have also found that change is most effective when I work it from both thinkingand action perspectives. For example, when I wanted to improve the relationship I had withmy young son, I wrote one page a day on all the things I loved about him to shift mythinking. I also began spending more time with him doing activities that he enjoyed, whichwas an action. In less than three days we were closer than ever.

QuestionsHere are some questions to consider in any situation to help you move into a moreappreciative space (Kelm, 2005, p. 147):

1. Appreciating: Do I feel appreciative or good about this situation or person? If not, Iknow I am not focusing on the good. How can I shift to see more of what I desire?

2. Imagining: Am I clear about what I want and am I giving this my attention? Whatimages am I holding? My feelings again provide helpful information, because if I’m notfeeling good, I’m not focusing on or visualizing what I want, and I’m impeding its creation.

3. Acting: Do my current actions and thinking align with what I want? Is what I’m saying,asking and doing consistent with what I desire? If not, what small change can I make thatwould help move me just a bit closer to my ideal.

I hope these practices will help you begin a journey towards more joy in your life thanyou ever thought possible. For more information on Appreciative Living, or to purchase thebook, please visit www.AppreciativeLiving.com. Best wishes to all of us in finding thewisdom and courage within to create the life of our dreams!

References:Barrett, F., & Fry, R. (2005). Appreciative Inquiry: A Positive Approach to Cooperative Capacity Building. ChagrinFalls, OH: Taos Institute Publishing, 2005.Cooperrider, D.L, & Whitney, D. (1999). A Positive Revolution in Change: Appreciative Inquiry. Taos, NM:Corporation for Positive Change. This article was also reprinted in, Cooperrider, D., Whitney D., & Stavros, J.(2003). Appreciative Inquiry Handbook. Bedford Heights, OH: Lakeshore Publishers.Kelm, J. (2005). Appreciative Living: The Principles of Appreciative Inquiry in Personal Life. Wake Forest, NC: VenetPublishers. Stavros, J. & Torres, C. (2005). Dynamic Relationships: Unleashing the Power of Appreciative Inquiry in Daily Living.Chagrin Falls, OH: Taos Institute Publishing.Whitney, D. & Trosten-Bloom, A. (2003). The Power of Appreciative Inquiry. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler.

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Judging a Book by its Cover? Re-Designing Our Perceptions

of Ourselves and Others from an Appreciative PerspectiveSusan Belgard

[email protected]

“Words Create Worlds”, the Constructionist Principle, plays a crucial role ininterpersonal and intrapersonal relationships. This article reflects on the similaritybetween our “inner critic” and automatic inner dialogue about strangers and newacquaintances. It offers some suggestions about removing harsh judgments and recastingself- and other-directed negativity in more positive terms.

The Appreciative Inquiry constructionist principle, “Words Create Worlds”, plays anenormous role in my everyday judgments of people and objects. Late one night, I awokefrom a deep sleep, needing a glass of water. I padded downstairs to the kitchen, slowlyturned on the faucet, filled a glass and took a drink. A little light filtered in through thekitchen blinds and my peripheral vision was captured by a small object resting on a cloud-like formation on the countertop. Still sleepy, myopic and not entirely alert, thisassemblage looked like a beautiful abstract sculpture of birds in flight. Entranced, curiousabout where this lovely object had come from, I stepped closer and discovered it was mystep-daughter’s bite plate casually tossed on a crumpled bit of paper napkin. Withdrawinghastily from this much less appealing sight, a long moment passed before I couldacknowledge how reflexively I created my “reality”.

A short time later, I witnessed my reflexive, less-than-generous judgments about strangersand people I don’t know well and the worlds those judgmental words created. I was at aparty given by a favorite relative. She is beautiful and intelligent, chatty and outgoing, street-smart and lively, with a talent for being creatively adorned even in jeans and a t-shirt. Iobserved that her guests were quiet looking, somewhat demure and wren-like, andunequivocally low key. I immediately decided that they were not very interesting and vowedto spend only a short time talking with a few of them before departing.

The first person I talked to – a quiet young woman sitting somewhat tentatively on theedge of a sofa – designed software which had been heralded for its ability to render vastamounts of raw data meaningful in diagnosing the effectiveness of instructional programs. Iwas fascinated. Next I spoke to an unprepossessing man I had casually met before andlearned that he had been the chief human resources person of a major organization, chargedwith establishing pay equity by standardizing job descriptions. I listened and learned withadmiration. Then I ventured out to the back yard, where I encountered a young man in anondescript, non-logo t-shirt and wire-rim glasses who turned out to be a successful stocktrader willing to share all his secrets for amassing great wealth. With my initialmisperceptions still slightly active despite these encounters, I conversed with a few morepeople whose stories lurked behind their appearance. Despite all my AI training and

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experience teaching people to reframe to a positive perspective, I had limited my firstimpressions of potential encounters with judgments based on outward appearances.

Several days later, while delivering an AI-based teleclass about “inner critic/innerchampion” and waxing eloquent about the pernicious effects of unexamined internalconversation, I recognized a commonality between inner criticism and negative judgments ofothers. In our automatic, unconscious assessments, we often miss the rich magnificence ofthe full human being. In this teleclass, I encouraged participants to go beyond their inner-critic chatter by consciously reframing that inner dialogue – word by word, invective byinvective and sentence by sentence. For example, my own inner critic has a fondness fortelling me “You’re stupid”. For a long time, I wasn’t particularly aware of the words. I justfelt a sensation of low-grade discomfort right above my belly which I interpreted as dread.This inner voice haunted me well into adulthood and through many professionalengagements. My internal conversation did not match my actual accomplishments, but wasrelentless, recurrent and powerful.

Based on my own experience with my inner critic, I developed an antidote for myteleclass students and coaching clients. The first step is to identify precisely what the innercritic is saying – actually hear it and pay attention to it. The second step is to neutralize theobservation by removing all the adjectives and “color commentary”, the words that give youa sense of discomfort, with a description that is nonevaluative. The third is to reframe thesituation appreciatively and positively.

Now, when my inner critic contends “You’re stupid”, I first acknowledge that I don’tknow or understand something – a far different set of circumstances than being stupid. Bydoing so, I move from being mortified and embarrassed, or needing to hide or silence myselfto framing the predicate for actions that are affirmative and positive. By shifting to “I amvery experienced at learning new things and do so easily”, I am able to attract and engageothers who will help me understand.

I highly recommend the same process for working with negative first impressions ofstrangers. Simply notice what your mind is saying about the other person. Then leave out allthose descriptive adjectives the inner critic loves to throw in. As you practice this three-stepprocess, you will begin to notice that your “reflexive” responses migrate to a more benignand then appreciative universe. The more you practice reframing the inner critic and thenegative judgment of others, the easier it becomes to transition into that appreciative place.

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This article focuses on using AI in a complex work situation as well as in a family crisis.While initially not an enthusiast of AI, Joan Colleran Hoxsey found herself drawn to itwhen she needed a way for people who had polarized to discover their many strengths andpull together as a group. AI also helped her and her husband to create positive meaningout of their experience of facing a painful personal tragedy.

When I first experienced Appreciative Inquiry about 10 years ago I thought it was, quitefrankly, a bunch of baloney. I was attending a daylong workshop prior to a nationalconference and was very put off by the demonstration done by the workshop facilitator. Iremember that I gave the facilitator a pretty negative review and chalked AI up in the “niceidea but…” column.

Moving from Polarization to Working as a GroupFast forward a few years: I am the director of a very large, public, multi-million dollar projectresponsible for two things: determining which agencies got the funds and creatingcollaboration between a large number of agencies varying in size and capacity with a longand difficult history of competition for funds and recognition. To make matters moredifficult, this project was a mandated program which angered many of the participatingagencies. Much polarization had taken place prior to my arrival on the scene and I wasimmediately pulled into the polarization by my boss who was feeling hurt and angry. Shehad had no input in the design of the program and had taken a lot of criticism for herattempts to represent the needs of some of the less powerful agencies and their clients.People had taken up sides and I found myself pulled into one of those sides.

When I recognized how I had been pulled into the controversy I began to look for aprocess that would allow this group to focus on the many strengths they each had and whatthey had together as a group. I had had training in a number of strength based processesincluding Building Family Strengths and Solution Based and Brief Therapy, and was muchtaken by the so-called miracle questions that empowered families to look at often untappedresources and strengths. I thought about Appreciative Inquiry and began to revisit it againwith the thought that maybe I had been too quick to judge its value.

Signing up for a Couples’ RetreatMy friends and family will tell you that I am a big proponent of “twofers”: I love it when Ican get two for the price of one. That little fact is important only in that it explains what I wasthinking when I found a workshop/retreat on the AI Commons calendar (being done bysome couple named Jane and Ralph) I thought “aha, I can go to this with my husband

Can I “Be” AI and Still Feel Pain?Joan Colleran Hoxsey

[email protected]

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Michael (he could use a little positive thinking) and learn the process at the same time.” Ofcourse, I did not need any changing but these people I was working with and mynot-quite-perfect husband could use a lot of changing. (Ah, the stories we tell ourselves!)And so, with surprisingly little encouragement from me, Michael agreed to the retreat andwe registered. I wonder if he might have been thinking that I might need a little changingtoo…hmmm. We signed up for the retreat in early July for a September date and put thewhole thing out of our mind. Little did we realize what would come our way between thetime we registered for the retreat and the time we would attend.

Sudden Death of our SonOn July 15th, 2002, our beautiful youngest son, James, laid down on his couch to watch thegolf tournament on television. He never woke up! He died of natural causes, most likely anarrhythmia perhaps caused by apnea. He was thirty-three years old, the apple of hisparents’and his five siblings’ eyes. He was at the top of his game having just successfullyhelped his law firm win a major case as, in the words of his boss, the “firm’s brightestparalegal ever”. He had successfully done the LSAT and was most likely headed to lawschool: his girlfriend was a young physician and had just gotten a large bonus and a raise.

To say that we were shocked is such an understatement that it is hard to even write thosewords. We were bewildered, dazed, overwhelmed and any other adjectives that describedesolation that you care to mention. I don’t know how we got through those days. Iremember our second daughter coming to my office and not being able to tell me what hadhappened (two of James’ sisters had found him). All I wanted to do was scream and screamuntil I had no breath left in me.

The Many Understandings coming from the Couples’ RetreatWhen September came around we remembered that we had signed up for a retreat –somewhere, we weren’t quite sure where. I told Michael that I could not imagine how wecould possibly go. He suggested that maybe some time away would be good and that wecould always leave if things got too difficult. I remember thinking, “I can’t go thirty secondswithout thinking about Jamey, and how in the world can I go to this thing and learn anythingabout being positive?” How could anyone even suggest that there might be somethingpositive about the death of a child? I flashbacked to that AI facilitator I had experienced yearsbefore and thought: “No one is going to tell me to look for the good in this death. There isnothing that could possibly be positive here.” I did not want to hear about Kubler-Ross’stages of grief; I knew them all, hell I had taught them! I remember thinking how stupid allwe therapists were; we knew nothing about the things that we talked about. I decided to giveup my license and never wanted to counsel another person about loss. To say I was in a stateof incredible angst is an understatement and to say that both Michael and I were in terribleturmoil is also an understatement.

Despite all my (our) anxieties and fears about what lay ahead we got in the car and drovethe 500 plus miles from Cincinnati to the beach and this couple named Jane and Ralph. Theold proverb “when the student(s) are ready the teacher will appear” proved to be apt. Janeand Ralph were the teachers with whom we needed to be.

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What we experienced in those four days is in some ways beyond language. We were not“talked out of” our pain so much as we talked and cried out our pain in the company of suchloving and gentle people that we found ourselves almost breathless at times. We looked backover our very long marriage and recounted our gifts, talents, strengths and dreams. We listedthe many things we have overcome and revisited our reasons for being married in the firstplace. We talked about how each of us wanted to be comforted in the agony of losing thischild, this living symbol (some say sacrament) of the love and commitment we have tried tolive. And through this conversation with each other and the rest of the couples on the retreatwe began to construct another vision of who we are as couple, as parents, members of acommunity and now AI practitioners.

What has followed has been quite extraordinary for both of us and for me, in particular.Following the retreat we began to think about the AI principles as they apply to our marriageand have discovered so many things about how we relate to one another and to others. I, forinstance, realized how many stories I made up about how things ought to be or how I thinkthey are. We began to look at the effect of language on our relationship and realized howoften we have slipped into the culture of making fun of one another. I have begun to realizehow important it is to hold up a positive image of Michael as well as who we are as a coupleas we interact. Are we simply an old couple facing a downhill future or are we a seniorcouple with loads of experience and wisdom willing to share what we have learned and arelearning? Our future depends on which image we decide to amplify.

Over the years I had taken on the common belief that a marriage license gave me a“license to complain.” I feel sad when I think about how often I have complained aboutMichael and how few times I have extolled his many virtues. AI has given me a newperspective when it comes to the complaining I do or the anger I sometimes feel. I now askmyself the question “what is it that I want? What lies beneath this complaint or this story?” Ithink both Michael and I have come to understand how stories of concern are much morelikely to be meaningful in our relationship than complaining ever was.

And what about the grief, the terrible sense of loss? Can one still feel such feelings and befaithful to principles of AI? Do we have to mask, deny or submerge feelings like grief oranger in order to be appreciative or positive? I don’t think so. My experience of the last fewyears tells me that I must appreciate such feelings for the powerful connectors they are.While I will never see James’ death as a good or positive thing, I can see that good thingshave come about as a result of his death. There is an increased appreciation of ourrelationship with each other and our family. We have a deeper appreciation of the painothers feel when faced with tragedy. We have an incredible appreciation for the preciousnessof life itself and the deepest kind of appreciation for the gift Jamey was and continues to be.

Emerging Appreciations – The ProjectAnd what about the project I was directing? We did create a plan using AI. Are all the“problems” solved? I don’t think so. There were many families in the project who thankedme for the opportunity to talk about the gifts, strengths and talents they bring to thecollaboration they enter into when they come into this program. For me, that is the highestcompliment.


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Our Relationship and our WorkOne of the things Michael and I decided as the result of our couples’retreat is to renew ourcommitment to a vision of being AI in the world. At the end of the day we write a thank younote to each other about the things we have appreciated about each other and the day. Wehave both had further AI training and I teach an AI Foundations course with my mentors (co-elaborators) Chet Bowling, Mark Chupp and Marta Stone. We decided that with Michael’slove and support, I would do AI consultation in the not-for-profit world and that, as a couplewe would give AI couples retreats. We have written a little book entitled Finding theExtraOrdinary Marriage; A Guide to Building Strong, Loving and Compassionate RelationshipsUsing Appreciative Inquiry. We think James would be proud of us.

We have learned that AI is not about positive thinking, nor a negation of any of thefeelings we humans experience. It is, instead, an affirmation of our humanness and ourability to construct positive meaning from our experience.

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Appreciative LivingThe Principles of Appreciative Inquiry

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Parenting is the most important job we have today. We are raising the next generation tobecome independent, capable, caring human beings. Through appreciative dialogue withother parents we gain confidence, insight and energy. Through appreciative conversationswith our children we help them learn and grow along with us. It is the power of theappreciative questions and dialogue that will change the world.

“Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to thecountry and to mankind is to bring up a family.” – George Bernard Shaw

Have you ever thought about the magnitude of this service to the world which we call“parenting”? Imagine if every child, in every part of the world, no matter what socio-economic group, class, race, religion or life-style, lived with an abundance of love,acceptance, appreciation and affirmation? Imagine if we taught every child to see the worldfrom the perspective of appreciation and affirmation. Imagine if every parent-childrelationship was one of encouragement, positive focus, and strength-based in nature?

When we choose to have children in our lives, whether they are our own, adopted orthrough other means (nieces, nephews, grandchildren, neighbors or students) we areaccepting the responsibility to raise them the best we can. Each child is unique withstrengths, skills, assets and foibles. How do we bring out the very best in each child? How dowe teach them to see the positive in themselves, others and the world around them? How dowe teach our children to love, laugh, enjoy and cherish life? How do we love them whenthey are most unlovable? When they are struggling with life, school, friends, drugs and themany challenges that face our children today, how do we as parents guide them to the lightand to new possibilities? Parents are grappling with these questions all the time and oftenturn to books that describe “how to” with skills and techniques. I don’t know about you, butI often feel even more frustrated after reading one of those books. They don’t build me up asa parent and don’t often bring out the best in me. Appreciative Inquiry is the one thing thatdoes lift me up, boost my self-image as a parent, give me hope and energy and help meconnect more fully with my children.

Appreciative Conversations with Other ParentsIn organizations and workshops when adults learn about Appreciative Inquiry and thepower it holds to bring about positive change, inevitably the next question is: “How can wedo this (AI) in our families and with our children?”, or the next comment is “I wish I hadknown about this (AI) when my kids were little.” Four years ago, my friend Jackie Kelm andI began working with the concepts and principals of Appreciative Inquiry applying it toparenting. We spent hours talking about ways to apply AI to our relationships with our


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Appreciative Parenting: Immediate Impact and Long-termIntent of an Appreciative Conversation with a Child

Dawn Dole

[email protected]

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children and families. We then developed an appreciative interview protocol for parents andset out to do hundreds of interviews. Our hope was to gather data from these interviews tobegin setting up some guidelines, principles and practices for parents. We conducted abouttwenty interviews with parents including our friends, relatives, own parents and a fewinterviews with parents of families who had become homeless for various reasons and wereparticipating in a program for homeless families. The interviews and the conversations withthese parents taught me much about appreciating every moment with our children. In theactual conducting of the interviews, we found that the “process” of AI was much moreimportant than coming up with best practices, how-to’s and guidelines for parents. Theprocess of asking the unconditional positive question, the process of dialogue with others,and the discovery that happened for each person brought about a new perspective. It was thedialogue, the connecting, the discovery and dreaming that was most important.

I then started presenting Appreciative Parenting workshops in my community, throughmy church and other churches. The workshops were anywhere from 1.5 hours up to 9 hoursover three evenings. The most significant part of the workshop was having the participantsdo appreciative interviews using a sampling of the questions included later in this article.Again, the time the participants spent in the appreciative interviews was the most impactful.The participants will forever remember the stories they shared with each other and theconnections they made during that one hour interview. The appreciative dialogue, discoveryand dreaming helped change the way they viewed their children and their role as parentsand impacted on their everyday relationship with their children.

An Invitation: Begin a Conversation with a ParentWe learn a lot from studying what has gone well in the past and inquiring into the conditionsthat allow for success to occur rather than focusing on what’s not working. When we comefrom a place of appreciation and gratitude and we feel good about ourselves and ourchildren, we are most effective as parents.

Today, I encourage you to begin the conversation with every parent you know. (Somesuggested questions are at the end of the article.) Talk with your parents, friends, familymembers, your children, neighbors, colleagues, everyone. Ask about parenting successes – thingsthat people are proud of, most excited about, things that have worked well in their life as aparent. Learn, be open, explore and discover the best practices in parenting that are all aroundyou. Having those conversations are transforming in and of themselves. Come away from everyconversation with a renewed energy for nurturing your relationships with your children. Cherishthe new ideas and perspectives that you have discovered about your own role as a parent.

An Appreciative Conversation with a ChildIf you ask a child, “How was school today?” you will get, “Fine.” If you ask a child to thinkabout the best thing that happened that day at school, you might get something like, “It wasreally fun in Art because we got to paint.” And if you ask a child, “Tell me all about the thingyou were most excited about today at school and what made it exciting for you”, you mightget a 30 minute, animated, detailed account of something very special that happened thatday in school.

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I now use the 4-D’s (Discovery, Dream, Design and Destiny) to carry on many of theconversations I have with my children. Last year, my then 10 year-old daughter startedplaying soccer on a team after not playing for many years. She was feeling rather insecureand inadequate as a team member. Half way through the season, after a team victory, Inoticed that she was not feeling excited and proud of the game. She was really down onherself. On the way home in the car I asked her what she thought was the best thing she didin the game to help her team to that win. At first she could not think of anything. I waitedand asked again letting her know that maybe it was a small thing. She then starteddescribing what it was specifically that she did to help her team: she passed the ball, sheplayed her position, and she had good ball handling. I said great!!! Discovery. Then I askedher, “If you were to have the very, very best game ever, what would you be doing, whatwould the game look like and what would have to happen?” She said, “In my best gameever, I would make a goal.” Dream. Great, we had a dream with which to begin to work.Then I asked, “What do you need to do to make a goal in a game?” She then proceeded tooutline exactly what she had to do to make a goal in the next game. Design. And you knowwhat? In the next game she made three goals for the first time in her life. Destiny.

This conversation not only allowed her to begin to see her strengths, but it also allowedher to dream and think about how to work towards that dream. I was able to understandmore fully her concerns, insecurities, and then help her lift herself up. This type ofconversation can happen with any child, at any age, within any context.

The Power of StoriesIn the new book DynamicRelationships: Unleashing the Power ofAppreciative Inquiry in Daily Living,(Taos Institute Publication, 2005),one of the authors, Jackie Stavros,shares an experience she had with her family one Saturday morning. She asked her twoyoung children (ages 4 and 6) and husband, “What do you want to do today?” Each oneresponded with something different. Her daughter wanted to go pick flowers. Her sonwanted to go on a hike and use his new hiking stick. Her husband wanted to go running andget some exercise. And Jackie wanted to eat a good breakfast and replace some of the deadgreenery around the house. As they each shared their vision of the morning, it became clearand her daughter said, “Let’s eat some healthy cereal, and grab our hiking sticks and I willshare mine with mom because she does not have one and climb those hills behind the housewhere we can pick flowers and find mom those green things for her planters.” Theirindividual visions of the day came together to become a shared family day.

I love hearing stories like these. They give me hope, encouragement, ideas to try and asense of security in my own role as a parent. I think about all the conversations I’ve had withother parents, my husband and my children, and I get a sense of renewed energy. I also lookforward to the many new conversations we can have that will bring out the best in each ofus. I think about how we can bring our collective images of family, relationships, fun, choresand life together to create the best future possible.


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“I have found the best way to give advice to yourchildren is to find out what they want and thenadvise them to do it.” - Harry S. Truman

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Questions to help you Look for the Very Special Moment

“Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be”

David Bly

Start each new day with the following questions: Today, how can I see my children with neweyes, appreciating the very best of who they are and looking for that very special momentand gift? What is it that is the very best, most worthy, most joyful and most loving about mychildren? And then proceed to tell them what you see, what your greatest hopes are forthem, and that you believe in them. Appreciative Parenting is not a set of “how to’s”. It is nota set of best practices, skills and techniques that you learn from a book. It is a process ofdialogue to continually discover the best in ourselves, our children, our own parents andother parents.

Here are some more detailed questions to assist you in the many conversations I hope youwill be having over the next few months. Inquire, appreciate, learn, and open yourself toother’s experiences!

1. Peak Parenting Moment: As parents, we all have experiences that are wonderful andtimes when things don’t go so well. Today I’d like to focus on the high points. Think about atime that really stands out for you as a parent as a peak moment. Recall a time when you feltmost alive, most excited, most proud, most involved in your role as parent. Please tell meabout that time and what it was that made it so special.

How were you feeling at this time?What were you thinking?What made it exciting?Who was involved?What was happening?How were you feeling at this time?What were you thinking?Describe the time in detail.

2. Communication: Communication is so important in any relationship but especially in aparent/child relationship. Can you think of a time when communication went very wellbetween you and your child/children? A time when it was open, healthy, and loving?

What fostered this communication? How did this impact your relationship with this other person? How did it impact you?

3. Overcoming Difficulty: At times parenting is more rewarding than anything else in theworld and at other times it can be frustrating. Think of a time when a difficult moment wasturned into a loving, relational building, transforming moment. Tell me about that time andwhat it was that contributed to or fueled the transformation.

4. Taking Care of Ourselves: Parenting is rewarding and also takes a great deal of ourtime, energy and attention. What are some of the things you do now or have done in the pastto build yourself up as a parent, to take care of yourself so you are better able to be there foryour children?

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5. Support Systems: There is an expression that it takes a village to raise a child. Think fora moment about the support that you have had in raising your child/children. It may haveincluded family members, neighbors, friends, child care, or other organizations or people. Asyou reflect on these various types of support, think of one or two that really stand out. Whichones are they and what is it you appreciate most about them?

6. Values: Next I’d like to talk about the positive qualities in yourself and others. Thisquestion has three parts.

First, without being humble, what do you value most about yourself as a parent? Second, what do your children value most about you?Finally, what do you value most about your children, and what do you think they

value most about themselves?7. Our Parents and what we give to our children: As you consider all of your positive

qualities as a parent and as a person, think back to your childhood and adolescence. Whatdid your parents do to support the development of these qualities and characteristics? Howdid their behavior help to create these positive traits? Please give examples.

What are some of the values, characteristics and human qualities that you hope yourchildren learn from you? What do you do to teach, encourage or foster these?

8. Core Life-Giving Factor or Purpose: What do you see as the core purpose for your roleas a parent? What is it that is most important for you to keep as a parent even as you moveinto the future? What is it that you believe you are fundamentally supposed to be and do as aparent?

9. Hopes for Our Children: As parents we have hopes and dreams for our children asthey grow and develop, even though we know our influence is limited and that our childrenmust decide and create their own future. What is it that you most hope for as you thinkabout the future of your children?

Have you ever spoken to your children about these hopes?What do you think your children dream about for their future?

10. Three Wishes: If you were to have a wave a magic wand and could have three wishesgranted for you in your role as a parent, what would they be?

11. Action Items: What one or two things could you do right now that would help moveyou in the direction of your wishes?

Additional topics of inquiry: Traditions – Please share with me some family traditions that you are especially

proud of or excited about continuing into the future.Empowerment – think of a time you did something as a parent that turned out to be

particularly empowering for your child. Tell me about that time.As a child – Think of a time when you felt particularly appreciated, acknowledged,

recognized by your parents or other authority figure. What was happening, how did itimpact on you, how did it affect you?


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When Morgan Zantua became a mother even though she thought she was menopausal, shestarted looking at the world through the eyes of her child as well as being ‘childlike’ herselfin her work of creating a more peaceful world. These are her reflections.

Appreciative Inquiry (AI) as a philosophical framework describes how I design and live mylife. I was formally introduced to AI and formal systems thinking while working on myMaster’s Degree in Organizational Systems Renewal/Whole Systems Design. As part of mypersonal renewal process, I undertook a holistic nutritional detoxification. I did this to ensurethat the second half of my life would be as or more healthy than my first fifty years. Two andhalf months before graduation, I learned I was not menopausal at fifty-one, I was five monthspregnant. Now, living AI in my work and my life has become an imperative for me to make abetter world for my daughter to inherit.

I was blessed with the gift of motherhood when many women my age have grandchildrenolder than my daughter. The miracle of her birth has profoundly impacted my worldview. Ilook at the world through the eyes of my child — appreciatively, with wonderment and truecuriosity. It is that ‘seeking’with child-like innocence that impassions the work I do in abroad spectrum of organizational settings.

The gift of mothering my only child, Auriel, is my metaphor for nurturing the life-givingforce so central to the Appreciative Inquiry philosophy. She was 6 weeks old when I cameface-to-face with the imperative to embrace AI as a tool for creating the world my daughterand her generation will inherit. At 6 a.m. Pacific Standard Time (PST) I woke to the horror ofthe September 11th attacks. I had a lunch date that day with three graduate school colleaguesfrom Boeing. I offered to reschedule, but my friends said, “No, please come and bring thebaby.” When we arrived, people emerged from their cubicles desperate to hold this new lifein their arms. The presence of Auriel, the next generation, was a comfort in our state of shock.

During lunch we asked ourselves, what was our role in creating factions in a worldcapable of perpetrating such acts of violence. Since that lunch, I continue to charge myselfwith discovering what is working in the world and how I can be a catalyst to create morepositive change in the world.

Whether co-designing a Microsoft sponsored community technology conference orpresenting Appreciative Inquiry training at a Central American peace conference, I seek tofacilitate mapping a group’s positive core to enable them to vision and co-create the future oftheir dreams. As I move through this work facilitating recidivism projects for Department ofCorrections or designing a parent engagement workshop, I hear the echo of important values— the “fabric” that comprises positive cores — resonating among diverse organizations.These values include respect, trust and collaboration. People value positive communication;

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Being a New Mother as my Metaphor for NurturingLifegiving Forces in my Work

Morgan Zantua

[email protected]

the ability to listen and understand and the freedom to express their thoughts and feelings.People want caring and compassion, accountability and honesty.

The more I use AI in my life the more I see positive change taking root in my life and thelives of the people and organizations with whom I work. I realize when we increase thedepth of the positive conversation in the world, greater is the chance that our children andgenerations to come will inherit a world where respect, understanding, trust and opencommunication will protect human dignity with care and love. It is this world of peace Iwork to co-create as a gift to my daughter.


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This article summarizes some of what Ilene Wasserman has learned from her ownexperiences and from facilitated conversations with other teens and parents. In the first partof the article, she highlights the principles that help her feel increasingly comfortable with herteenagers’ autonomy and independence. In the second part of the article, she sets out thethemes and patterns emerging from facilitated discussions with other parents and teenagerson the best of boundaries and connections in teen-parent relationships.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you, For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon thepath of the infinite, and He bends with you His might that His arrows might go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1943 p. 17

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My husband and I read this passage from The Prophet at both my daughter’s and son’s babynaming ceremonies. I remember at the time, anticipating that the “letting go” part ofparenting would be challenging. Now, eighteen years after the gift of becoming a parent, Ihave learned that letting go is not an event, but a process. While this process ebbs and flowsin different ways at different stages of the parent/child relationship, letting go at this time issomething that I find myself reflecting about on almost a daily basis. The principles ofAppreciative Inquiry, positive psychology and the coordinated management of meaning(CMM – see AI Practitioner, July, 2005), are sources of support and guidance as I seek toencourage my children’s emerging sense of independence and self-reliance whilemaintaining the sense of connection in our relationship.

About 7 years ago, I immersed myself in social construction theory, CMM, and theprinciples and practice of Appreciative Inquiry in pursuit of recharging my professionalpractice. As I incorporated and played with these new lenses, I also attended to how I wasbeing in relationship, particularly as a parent of emerging teenagers. I anticipated the"teenage" years with great sensitivity to the need to balance “letting go” and maintaining

Strengthening Boundaries And Connections As A Parent OfTeenagers

Ilene Wasserman

[email protected]

close connection with my two children. Noticing how I was an integral part of making thequality of our relationships, I focused on doing so more intentionally.

The public discourse about teenagers creates an image of a group of people who makepoorly informed choices, are rebellious and are to be mistrusted. I strongly believe thatAppreciative Inquiry with its related principles are valuable tools to elevate an alternativefuture both in our personal relationships as well as in the larger community. This articlesummarizes some of what I have learned from my own experiences and from facilitatedconversations with other teens and parents.

The constructionist principle guides us to notice the generative process of parenting. Asparents there are times of sheer joy and exuberance, times of pain and angst, and the wholerange of experiences and emotions in-between. We amplify and grow that which we notice.At the times we are most challenged, we need to remind ourselves of that which has givenour relationship a firm foundation, the strengths and attributes of our children and ourrelationship and the potential benefits that can accrue from challenges.

Relationships with teenagers are sometimes experienced by their parents as distant.Conversations often consist of one word answers to questions such as: “How was your day?”As parents we need to find creative ways of staying connected and noticing the windows ofopportunity to promote conversations, information sharing and personal expression.Ironically, feeling connected and informed enhances parents’ comfort in supporting freedomand promoting independence. Moments of communication and connection need to beinitiated by teens and noticed by parents at this stage of parenting.

Last year I felt as if my daughter, though still living at home as a high school junior, wasdistant. I struggled with my own feelings of sadness and sense of loss. I vacillated betweenwanting to make our relationship different and my own soul searching about how I mightneed to revise my inner dialogue, the stories I was telling myself about our encounters andour relationship. I kept reminding myself that our relationship was a ongoing story in themaking (the poetic principle) and that this was but one chapter that was still being written. Ishifted the central story from one of distance and rejection to a focus on the workload andpressure my daughter was managing. I shifted my concern for our relationship to myempathy, even admiration, for how she was handling all her commitments. I recognized thather style of handling stress was to buckle down and do it all herself. Revising my storyhelped me reframe what I said to her from a complaint to appreciating all she was doing,and to be able to add that I was just missing her.

The positive principle brings our focus to the positive relationship between theboundaries or limits we provide as parents, and our connection with our teens and theirgrowth. Boundaries and limits provide the guidance from which our teens can discoverfreedom and a sense of self. For sure this process begins much earlier in our relationshipswith our children. As with babies, toddlers and children, boundaries and limits can bereframed from something that is imposed on adolescents to something that serves them.

Both my children have given examples of times when they appreciated limits. Mydaughter was invited to a concert on her birthday. That night was an evening we gatheredwith family friends on a regular basis. Our friends were expecting to celebrate her birthday.We discussed her alternatives. While she was conflicted, she preferred to be with our family.


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In this instance, she appreciated the benefit of our imposing the limit. My son’s example alsorelated to an invitation to a concert. We did not approve his going based on the reputation ofthe group and the safety risk. While he did not appear happy at the time, he now says “wemade the right decision”: in each of these instances, the limits were negotiated based on thearticulation of clear reasons and principles. We created trust by amplifying the values thatwere the basis of our decisions, that it was about the situation rather than about them.

The anticipatory principle helps us sustain those times when limit setting is mostchallenging. I recall many times when, setting limits or in conflict with one of our children, Iwould say to myself, “someday we will both look back on this and….” Anticipation of thepotential benefits of our decision despite how unhappy our child might have felt in themoment, helped us to follow through in those tough moments.

Our relationship with our teens is an emerging story. There will be times when we feelmore connected and other times less connected. Recently I was visiting an old friend with mydaughter. As my friend talked about her parents with great affection, I recalled how this wasa marked contrast to how she talked about her parents as a teenager. My daughter casuallysaid, “Mom, teenagers always complain about their parents”. I then paused – and as I wasdeciding whether to speak, my daughter, hearing my breath said, “What?” I paused… andthen asked…”Do you complain about us?” She replied: “of course!” I responded, “Well, if wetalk about it there is more of a possibility we can do something different!” The conversationitself helped us take stock of how our relationship was changing, and how we could stayconnected as she was becoming more autonomous. We also created an invitation to a newchannel: complaints can lead to new possibilities.

What I continue to learn from my relationship with my own children is that I feel morecomfortable with their increasing autonomy and independence when we are in contact, andshare key information and together, seek better ways of relating.

Facilitating Conversations between Teens and their ParentsRecently, a colleague and I have initiated a process of facilitating conversations between teensand their parents on the best of boundaries and connections in teen-parent relationships.Based on some of these conversations, the following themes and guidelines are emerging:

Be presentBe available for impromptu conversations. Be present and notice unanticipatedopportunities. Be prepared to take advantage of the moment. One parent talked about howshe reframed the inconvenience of her child being sick (having to reorganize her plans, etc.)to appreciating a connecting opportunity. Sometimes connecting comes in an unusualpackage. Ellen Galinsky of the Families and Work Institute shares her research findings:

“I heard teens saying that not only is the amount of time parents spend with theirchildren important. Particularly important to young people is that there’s time to hangaround together; that it’s not always planned or scheduled… just time to be together.” (2004)

Recognize your teen’s bests instinctsThe principles and methodology of Appreciative Inquiry help us shift from deficit and worry

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to assets and possibilities. There was the time when a teen had his first encounter with afriend smoking pot “Knowing how you trusted me helped me to know being trustworthy”.“You trust me to make my own decisions and learn from them.” In another example, aparent told me a story about her daughter knowing when to share confidential informationabout her friend, trusting her mother to know when and how to intervene.

Notice and support personal learning and play styles and interestsJust as we notice our child’s particular temperament when it comes to learning and play,teenagers have their own particular style. One might need encouragement loosening up,while another might need firmer boundaries to foster an internal dialogue. One might dealwith stress by acting agitated, another by shutting down. See your teen as a person todiscover and understand.

Foster a sense of optimism and hope“The basis of optimism does not lie in positive phrases or images of victory, but in the wayyou think about causes.”(Seligman, 1995, p. 52) An optimistic perspective is fostered bymaking shortcomings temporary and strengths permanent and pervasive. Hurts andmisunderstandings are understood but not personalized, and disappointments areopportunities for creating something desirable. As parents, we are in a position to help ourchildren reframe their experiences. This is particularly important in the teenage years, a timecharacterized by drama and intense emotion.

Negotiate clear boundaries to enable autonomy and differentiationFull and clear communicating fosters trust and commitment, even flexibility. Many parentsexperience a decline in communicating with their teens. Less information at the time ofincreasing individuation challenges a parent’s sense of trust. In the absence of informationwe make up stories. These stories are influenced by stereotypes and the dominant discourseabout teenagers only serving to arouse our worst fears, regardless of who our children are.

One teen complained that her parents were being inconsistent in their need to knowwhere she was, when, and when she was returning home. Once they took the opportunity totalk about this, the mother was able to articulate that she was willing to be more flexiblewhen she felt more informed about the situation, the people and the relationships. The nextday, her daughter turned down an invitation to go out to eat as a family in order to work oncollege applications. Given the conversations they had just had, her parents were better ableto respect her choice and not take it personally.

Don’t take it personally – it’s not about you. Acts of separation are part of the process ofgrowth and developmentThe feeling of withdrawal and momentary absence of communication are more than likelynot about you. Knowing when not to personalize (as well to sort out when it is) strengthensyour foundation. Remember, this is but a moment in the story of your relationship thathopefully was preceded by times of connection and trust and will be followed by the same.Our role as parents is to hold the space and be the constant.


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Despite all these tips, we need an outlet during this time. There will still be moments offrustration, loss and concern. Sometimes it is difficult to stay optimistic in a culture that tellsa story about teenagers as a group that is secretive, sneaky and not trustworthy. In thosemoments it is very helpful to seek the support of a partner or friends to move to the nextmoment, to live into the family narrative we seek to create with our children and to remindus what is delicious about parenting.

The task of teenagers is to push us away and the task of parents is to stay present. Onemother shared that she used to feel like a good parent but now she is not so sure. I asked herwhat made her a good parent in the past. She responded: quality time and making herdaughter her priority. I asked, how do you do that differently now? The question helped hersee herself in a different light. Different stages of parenting call for different competencies.What is probably most important is to feel competent and confident in how you are as aparent, enjoy it and maintain your sense of humor.

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GUIDELINES FOR USING AI WITH YOUR TEEN

DISCOVER:Personal: Be curious about who your teen is and who they are becoming. Notice when theyare excited. Distinguish what you want them to be excited about from their own sense ofpassion. Relational: Attend to the energy and connection in your relationship. Notice when thequality of the connection you desire is most present and amplify those moments. Noticewhat boundaries and connections are important and let go of others.

DREAM:Personal: Amplify and reflect back to your teen their most unique qualities. Relational: Invite conversations that generate and amplify the best of being in relationship atthis time. Expand the possibilities of pursuing new shared interests and commitments.

DESIGNPersonal: Notice the opportunities for connecting in the spontaneous moments and makethose opportunities often. Relational: Co-construct plans that work and fit who they are and where they are. Oneexample is regular meals together without exception. Another is to have a designated timewhen you share an experience of a community service project. Design principles that workare staying in contact and sharing information informally and intentionally to promote trustwhile supporting autonomy.

DESTINYPersonal: Live into new questions and new possibilities of your relationship – stay curiousand open to surprise. Share in the process of continuous story construction.Relational: Share in the process of continuous story construction.

As Cheri Torres and Jackie Stavros co-authored their new book, they discovered new waysof understanding what they thought they knew about dynamic relationships. Livingrelationally meant not only working that way with each other, but also with the publisherafter submitting what they thought was an all-but-final draft.

When sharing or teaching Appreciative Inquiry we often hear responses such as “Thischanges everything!” or “Whoa, this isn’t just another tool to pull out of my tool bag, this hasrepercussions for how I live my entire life in relationships with others!” A trainer respondedwith, “This is big. If I’m going to use this and sustain this with any integrity, I have to use iteverywhere in my life.”

Just about anyone who reads through the research on Positive Image/Positive Action hasa similar reaction. The message alerts us to the power of our personal and organizationalstories, the language we use to create meaning and possibilities together, and the ways inwhich we regard one another: in other words, the way we make meaning in the world. Itwasn’t until we began to make explicit what this means that we realized how important andprofound the Principles of Appreciative Inquiry (AI) are.

Our Dynamic Relationship StoryWriting about living AI meant discovering a lot about what we thought we knew but didn’t.AI is so much more than a way to transform organizations. As we co-authored the recentlypublished Dynamic Relationships: Unleashing the Power of Appreciative Inquiry in Daily Living(2005) we discovered new ways of understanding what we thought we knew. Our ability tolearn collaboratively – with one another and with the many people who helped us articulatethe ideas for the book – required putting the Principles into practice through cycles ofreflection and action.

Our story began with two women who had an interest in writing a book about AI beyondorganizational life. We first met at an AIC gathering in Annapolis, Maryland in January 2003.We did not know each other very well when our conversation began. We spent the next sixmonths exploring our ideas about what it meant to live and sustain AI on a daily basisthrough email and phone conversations. In October 2003, we met for a long weekend,together with our families, to figure out how to co-author a book in our mutual area ofinterest. In 2004, the writing began while simultaneously a wonderful and very dynamicrelationship between the two of us was being created.

Our experience was more than just writing a book. It was about experiencing and livingthe principles of AI while we wrote and were building a dynamic relationship. We haveshared a journey neither of us could take alone. This collaborative process of writing was a


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Learning To Live AI In Our Relationships While Writing aBook about Living Relationally

Cheri Torres and Jackie [email protected] and [email protected]

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relationship beyond the two of us and with our family members, friends, colleagues and thepublishing team. It truly brought home the relational and connective power of the principles.Using the principles as a paradigm for how to be in a healthy relationship continuouslybrought greater insight into deeper experiences of AI and the incredible generative power oflanguage. For us, the deep commitment has been to practice the principles of AI everywherein our lives. We, of course, could see all the places we could practice it long before werealized that sustaining that way of being in relationship requires more than just seeing thatit’s applicable.

Co-authoring for us meant turning your words and my words into our words. For us thismeant staying constantly open to possibilities, anticipating that together we would come to ashared understanding, and recognizing the value that each of us brought in the form ofquestions, ideas and enthusiasm. In the face of disagreement, it meant staying open.

A powerful learning came for us when we submitted what we thought was the all-but-final draft of the book to the publisher. When we got it back, it was clearly far from ready tobe published. In fact, entire chapters were crossed out; our approach needed a differentdirection. As you might imagine, there was an initial feeling of rejection. Our knee jerkreaction was to “Take our toys and go find another sandbox to play in.” Another reaction,however, came right on the heels of the first, “Why? What is it about the way we have thingsworded that does not fit with social constructionism?” Then we paused and decided to takethe next 48 hours to reflect upon the facts of the situation and how to best move forward.This space of time allowed us to reframe the situation and envision the positive possibility ofwhat could be and what we could learn from the Taos Institute editorial team. This action, ofcourse, is the one we followed. This second response emerged from our story line that said,“These people have good intentions, they see something we don’t, let’s listen to what theyhave to say.”

What we discovered reinforced our deep appreciation of the principles of AI. Ourinterpretation and response to the feedback we received could have gone in any number ofdirections; how we responded completely influenced (1) our relationship with the publisher,(2) the book itself, (3) our understanding and appreciation for the power of AI, and (4) ourpractice of living the principles ourselves. We saw the total interconnection of the principles– the dynamics, if you will. Out of those conversations came the title for the book and a newunderstanding that meant a rewrite.

Our Story ContinuesAs our story continues we have more than a book, we have a genuine friendship and passionfor living the principles in daily life. The co-authoring process called for a commitment toauthenticity. It continues to move us closer toward living in the appreciative paradigm whereliving by the principles flows effortlessly.

Stavros, J., & Torres, T. (2005). Dynamic Relationships: Unleashing the Power of AppreciativeInquiry in Daily Living, Chagrin Falls, OH: Taos Institute Publishing (www.taosinstitute.net orwww.dynamic-relationships.com ).

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Appreciative Inquiry and person centred practice, based on the work of Carl Rogers, bothoffer powerful ways of living, being and working through meaningful relationship andconnection. This article celebrates and reflects on their separate and combined impact inthe life and work of the author.

If I could ask one thing of a crystal ball in any situation, it would not be ‘what’s wrong andhow can we fix it’, but ‘what matters here and who cares?’(Marvin Weisbord, p. 257). I lovethis question and use it frequently in my work and in my everyday life. It speaks to me ofhope and possibility, essential ingredients in my work as a person centred therapist and AIfacilitator, and for me personally. I am at my best and most confident when I feel connectedwith my positive core and am doing what I love most. Recently, I have been reflecting on theconnections between AI and ‘person centred’ practice, both personally and in my work.

I work as a person centred (client centred) therapist in private practice and at a localhospice, with patients and carers. My approach is based on Carl Roger’s theory and practicefor therapeutic healing. He believed that the human organism is essentially positive andcreative and will seek its full potential in the presence of three ‘core’ conditions: when we arelistened to empathically by another who is being authentic in the relationship and whoaccepts us without condition. Rogers describes therapeutic healing as becoming a ‘fullyfunctioning person’in which we move from ‘fixity’ to fluidity, being open and responsive toour own experience, living fully in the moment, being less defensive and trusting ourselves.Natiello (p136).

If I can meet my clients in this way, I believe they have all the resources and expertise theyneed to achieve their own emotional healing and personal development. My role is to bealongside them in their journey, holding and supporting, not directing or leading. Meetingsomeone at this relational depth (Mearns and Cooper, 2005) and trusting them to workthings out for themselves is a respectful, challenging and engaging act.

Rogers is an inspiring writer and I felt a similar delight and optimism on first learningabout Appreciative Inquiry. Having witnessed and experienced the grindingly harsh, andoften futile, attempts at change management in UK public services, I was sure there had to bea kinder way for organisations and the people in them. Gill Edwards (1991) reminded methat we create our own reality by the thoughts and words that we use; and that we canchange through joy rather than through suffering. AI training invited me into a world wherepeople can work together, respectfully and powerfully, to create their own futures from theircombined strengths and successes.

For me, these two approaches create something wonderful and exciting and together theyhave provided me with a solid base from which to live and work. Rogers’ theory underpins


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A Passionate Presence – Appreciating Person CentredConnections

Julie [email protected]

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everything I do: in how I relate to myself and in meeting people at a level of connectionwhich is trusting, authentic and unconditional. This way of being supports me in co-creatingsafe environments in which individuals and groups can work freely.

AI builds on this and offers another dimension. When we start our search from what weknow works well, from our best experiences, we can use what we learn to go forward,tapping into the positive life force of an organisation (or an individual or myself) and usingthis knowledge and energy to create positive new futures. In my experience, working withAI enables people to meet and connect differently. The energy they generate from their veryfirst conversations feels exciting and wholesome and enables an imaginative, creative andcourageous flow. Out of this connection with each other and ourselves emerge new ideas,new hope and new connections.

What excites me about these two approaches for change is that they each offer powerfulways of working collaboratively and respectfully with people, groups and organisations, aswell as offering values for living. Diana Whitney and Amanda Trosten-Bloom discoveredthat, for some people, Appreciative Inquiry enhances self-esteem and self-expression (p. 234)helping one participant to ‘become more of who I’ve always been’. Whitney and Trosten-Bloomobserve that once people have experienced this powerful expression, they are ‘permanentlytransformed’. This echoes Rogers (p150) who observed that once clients reach a certain stagein their growth ‘these moments of immediate, full, accepted experiencing are in some sensealmost irreversible’.

While there are important differences between these approaches, I think they have muchin common and great potential. Both address universal human needs for connection andrelationship; both are interested in providing facilitative conditions for growth and change,and both are concerned with personal and collective empowerment. From a ‘person centred’base, I find grounding for myself personally, and a way of being which facilitates others intheir search for growth and change. In AI, I find the joy of creative energy and connectionwith others and am interested in its potential for fast-tracking to authentic relationship andconnection with our positive life force. In my experience, both approaches help individualsand groups to move from fixed ways of being to a more fluid, open and responsive state.Peggy Natiello (p 155) talks about a ‘passionate presence’ in relationships where there is‘intense awareness, genuine renunciation of control and a sense of wonderment andanticipatory attendance’. I experience this in working and living with both of theseapproaches.

References

Edwards, G. (1991). Living Magically. Piatkus Books, London.

Mearns, Dave & Cooper, M. (2005). Working at relational depth in counselling and psychotherapy. Sage Publications Ltd. London.

Natiello, P. (2001). The Person-Centred Approach: A passionate presence. PCCS Books, Herefordshire.

Rogers, Carl R. (1967). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Constable, London.

Weisbord, Marvin. (1987). Productive Workplaces: Organizing and managing for dignity, meaning, and community. Jossey-Bass,

San Francisco.

Whitney, Diana & Trosten-Bloom, Amanda. (2003). The Power of Appreciative Inquiry, A Practical Guide to Positive Change.

Berrett-Koehler Publishers Inc., San Francisco.

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The Broccoli Alliance (BA) is a vibrant professional group focused on the practice of AI.Infused with personal quotes and stories, this article describes how a 4D inquiry catalyzedthe group to live their positive core. Design choices and ritual practices contribute tosucceeding so splendidly in the Destiny phase of AI.

The coffee’s been brewed and the tea kettle starts to whistle. It’s 9:30 on a Wednesday morning, atypical workday made special by the arrival of a long-awaited meeting. Cars pull up in front of thehouse and in ones and twos, ten women enter a colleague’s home, carrying platters of food, soups,casseroles, tuna salad from an organic market. Hugs and enthusiastic greetings are exchanged aspeople catch up on work and life events. After half an hour of schmoozing, someone suggests, “Let’sget started.” Soon we’re seated in a circle, finding out what cases need to be discussed, who needs timefrom the group and who has lessons to share. Potential agenda items are written on a flip chart andthen we settle into our check in.

We’re generous with our time and attention during check in, having learned that magical andimportant work gets done when we tune in and listen to each other. As each woman discerns andarticulates what’s important to her right now, the rest of us listen fully. The benefits accrue for thelisteners and the speaker. Jill recalls her experience, “As each person checked in, I felt lighter andclearer…generous and available … free to be funny and fully present.” The speaker often discoverssomething important, a new level of self-acceptance or awareness of what’s truly important in a givensituation. Lonnie captures the spirit of our work together: “We perceive each other’s brilliance. We arecultivating life with a sense of humor.” Much of the morning may pass in this way, listening to theessence of work or life situations and affirming the best in each other.

Turning our attention to the common themes that have emerged in the check in, we allot time toour remaining agenda items. We pause to eat a delicious and nutritious lunch. As we continueworking our agenda, we laugh, we experiment, we have profound insights. All the while, we supporteach person to lean into her “best self” as she explores a client conundrum or tests out a technique onthe group. As four o’clock approaches, we reflect on the value of the day and plan our next meeting.

The Broccoli AllianceThis is a snapshot of the Broccoli Alliance (BA), a professional development group that hasbeen meeting since 1999. We are a group of 11 women, primarily OD professionals, meetingevery 6-8 weeks. We’ve all been trained in Appreciative Inquiry (AI) and our group focus isliving and learning its practice. Over time we have become a vibrant, committed and highlyvalued professional network in which AI infuses all we do. Members serve as a think tank oncolleagues’ projects, shadow consult, join each other on engagements and reinforce oneanother’s appreciative stance. We all have greater confidence to relax into our most authentic


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Living Our Destiny: One Group's Story of Forming andLiving Appreciative Practice

Amy Steffen, Lonnie Weiss, Nancy Aronson, Ferne [email protected], [email protected], [email protected] and

[email protected]

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selves – professionally and personally. As Bonalyn puts it, “We believe in the wisdom thatcan unfold for an individual when given the time. We see another on the brink of somethingand encourage her to go further.” This is the essence of who we are as a group being AI.

Unfolding an Appreciative LifeIn this article we show how the scenario we described above represents the BA living intoour destiny and living our positive core – the themes and provocative propositions that wearticulated when we launched an inquiry into – the future of our group in 2001. We recounttwo anecdotes about our experiences in the group, stories that exemplify the bold claims wepenned four years ago.

In the spirit of AI, we continue by exploring the factors that contributed to us succeedingso splendidly in becoming an appreciative group. First we look at the inquiry process itselfand what we did to enliven the positive core so it became a palpable reality. We focus on theiterative nature of the inquiry process and the way Destiny, or living into one’s Dream,reverberates throughout the 4D cycle. Second, we review how ritualized practices created acontainer in which our positive core unfolded.

Destiny: Examples of Living our Positive CoreIn 2001 the BA undertook an AI process to define itself and its operating principles. Fourthemes emerged from the generic interviews in the Discovery phase. We expanded thesethemes into a custom protocol and conducted a second round of discovery interviews. Today,these themes representing our positive core continue to resonate in our group’s interactions.

Broccoli Alliance Core ThemesAdult Play Group We have a spirit of adventure and spontaneity and we experience the joy of discovery. Intrinsic toadult play is allowing for uncertainty as to how to do something or whether it will work. Part ofthe discovery is the exhilaration of playing on the edge of our comfort zone.

Generosity of SpiritRelating to one another with generosity of spirit is a luxurious form of safety and creativity. Wehonor each other and our group, no matter how full our plates become. We slow down and arepresent with each other. We respond to others with curiosity and encouragement. Something newis likely to be created: an understanding, deepened trust, a reclaimed sense of wholeness.

The Exquisite Practice of Being AppreciativeThe Broccoli Alliance is a source of energy, a touch-point, a place that holds the appreciative spaceand allows us to immerse ourselves in the spirit of AI. We commit to working with our clients andliving our lives in an appreciative way. We seek a creative emergence, to make inseparable how weaspire to be from what we aspire to do.

Working With Heart and CourageWe are courageous with our clients and with one another. We take heart-pounding risk, stepthrough fear, and have the conversations we need to have. By fully bringing who we are and whatwe know to the group, we invent new possibilities.

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Writing this article was an opportunity for us to take stock and conduct new interviews.How do we experience our “best selves” in the BA? What practices make this possible? Allthe quotes and stories that emerged reflected our initial four themes; even micropropositions we hadn’t reviewed for four years were echoed in the interviews.

We typify Adult Play Group when we are on the edge of not knowing and are willing tolearn through experimentation, when we meet at our favorite coffee shop, go for walks, andcelebrate special events together. Generosity of Spirit is the BA’s most frequently citedstrength. “No matter what you ask for, the group says ‘Okay, we’re here.’“ As independentconsultants, it’s been a life altering experience to ask for help and to witness others asking forhelp. As one member put it, “I typically assume I have to do things alone. This group givesme a sense of belonging, a context for asking and receiving help.” Nearly all of our storiesillustrate the loving stance of The Exquisite Practice of Being Appreciative. Over and over,members said things like, “We listen and find the kernel of strength in the person” and“Each person holds the potential of the other’s best self.” Likewise, Working with Heart andCourage was echoed in many stories; we take heart-pounding risk to talk about difficultchallenges in life and work, to be vulnerable and truthful. Here are two of many stories thatillustrate our positive core in action.

Lonnie Asks for Help. Last year, Lonnie was preparing for a meeting with a potentialclient. The scope and complexity of the situation created high stakes (and high anxiety)! Hercontact was the top executive in a large statewide organization employing 20,000 workersand serving many more citizens. A recent spate of negative publicity had added despair tothis already stressed system. This client represented a jump in scale for Lonnie’s consultingpractice, a situation she both welcomed and hesitated to embrace. Lonnie asked the BA forassistance. The group listened to what she needed and made some specific suggestions, butbasically reminded her of her own strengths. “I knew what to do, yet hearing it from otherscemented it…how to frame questions, how to compose myself, how to focus on therelationship. In a sense, it was a chance for me to reconnect with my best consulting self.”The next day she met with her prospective client, established good contact anddemonstrated the AI approach. She was hired and along with a team she formed with otherBA members, went on to facilitate a long-term strategic intervention. Lonnie successfullystretched herself to fulfill a leadership challenge, an accomplishment that the rest of usapplaud.

Martha’s Leap Forward. Once you risk sharing what you want to grow into, the groupwill remind you of your strengths and encourage you to pursue your intentions! As anexample, a few years ago Martha agreed to design and lead us in a session of AuthenticMovement, a modality she had used as a dancer, but not as a consultant. This experiencerepresented the first time she was bringing it to a professional OD audience, and the BAbecame part of her 20-year inner dialogue about how to integrate these two dimensions ofher life work.

As Martha pushed her own learning edge, she opened a new way of being for the rest ofus. Authentic Movement involves moving in a spontaneous, non-choreographed way andwitnessing one another. Group members recall, “It was fun to interact with each otherdifferently than sitting and talking.” The witness role that Martha taught us shifted our


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interactions. We’ve become more thoughtful and deliberate about what we choose to say toeach other. We are aware of the power and the gift of being a witness, of sharing what isevoked for us and reflecting what we see in each other.

While the BA clearly grew from the authentic movement experiment, it was also awatershed moment for Martha. Looking back, she says, “That was a time when I was at acusp. I was just beginning to step into my stance and own that I had a gift to bring.” Sincethen she has taken major steps to integrate two aspects of herself that she treasures, herdance/movement self and her OD consultant self. She has conducted Authentic Movementworkshops and incorporated this modality into her OD and coaching practice. We delight inseeing her soar.

Our recent interviews confirmed that we are doing exactly what we set out to do:playfully and courageously taking risks, acting generously and appreciatively, growing intoour best selves professionally and personally. We have literally created a container, woven afabric of energy and love that envelops us, sustains us, and compels us to experiment. Ourcore themes form the basis of the group and our way of being. They are the warp laid on theloom, determining everything that follows. The initial inquiry undertaken in 2001 establishedand enlivened the fabric of this group.

Strength of the Initial Inquiry Following the blueprint of the 4D cycle, we engaged in an inquiry over several meetings ofthe whole group and sub-groups. We began with a basic protocol focused on best groupexperiences. From this data we identified the life-sustaining themes of our positive core.Subgroups developed sections of a custom protocol, writing extensive “lead ins” andquestions for each theme. Next the whole group gathered for the second round of interviews.Dream and design took place in a highly interactive day-long retreat. Our dream images tookthe form of interconnected haiku style poems. We designed with micro propositions thatarticulate concrete practices and behaviors implied by the haiku.

As our stories show, the BA strongly owns our positive core. What was it about thisinquiry that enabled us to inhabit our dream and live the destiny we defined? We believethat high participation and attention to experiential designs for each phase of the 4D cyclemade a difference. For instance, when subgroups crafted the lead-ins for our customprotocol, we bonded with the intent of our themes (Adult Play Group, Generosity of Spirit, etc.).We luxuriated in taking the time to have deep dialogue and develop shared meaning. Inaddition, we found an aspect of Destiny, of living the positive core, arises during each phaseof an inquiry. Experiential designs foster this strength of AI. We suspect that the moreopportunities people have to live and embody the positive core during an inquiry, the moresuccessful they will be at unfolding their destiny.

Like any group engaged in AI, the BA had many opportunities to live our destinythroughout the intervention. Experiencing the feelings, thoughts and body sensations of alife-affirming episode is at the heart of AI Discovery. It also is the heart of every subsequentphase in the cycle. In Discovery, we lived the positive core twice by recounting actualexperiences in two sets of interviews. In Dream, we creatively acted out the positive core as ifit were actively happening, thus living the experience. Shifting into Design we wrote

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provocative propositions, our haiku, in the present tense, again leaning into and living ourchosen destiny. We articulated micro-level propositions to describe simple structures andbehaviors to live out our bold claims and stay aligned with our positive core. The 4D cycleprovided multiple opportunities to energetically experience our positive core in body, heart,mind and spirit.

The BA’s inquiry firmly established a clear set of operating principles. Our initial inquirysprouted our positive core and the iterative nature of the process deepened the roots.Attention to living into our destiny at each phase allowed the positive core to grow. Anexpansive process and active, experiential designs were key to our success.

Ritualized Practices If our core themes are the warp – the long threads that define the cloth – then our ritualizedpractices are the weft laid down over and over, strengthening and expanding the fabric ofour relationships. Routines, processes that are regular, predictable, and reliable, created thespace for our Destiny to unfold.

One of the early practices we adopted was reading our haiku at the beginning of eachmeeting. It served as a poetic reminder of our intention. Sometimes we read the theme

The Broccoli Alliance Haiku

Bold Experiment

Sanctuary, crystal heart

Go deep to go far

Spontaneous play

Intentional risk-taking

Magical home base

Ritual gatherings

Commit to nourish our roots

Our great work abounds!

Courageous impacts

Life-affirming community

All is possible

statements from our protocol. Today, we are conversant in the language of our themes. Weoften mark significant moments by referring to them. Generosity of Spirit is invoked whensomeone experiences the group as kind and giving. Likewise, we recognize when someonereaches into their core and acts courageously – either within the group or with a client. Thosemoments get a nod and Working with Heart and Courage is named.

A second ritual involves nourishing ourselves and meeting in homes. Four years ago wecommitted to “...meet regularly and predictably in our homes…” and said we would nourishourselves with conversation and case studies. We have done this, and we have addednourishing ourselves with substantial and truly delicious food.


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Several of the micro provocative propositions became blueprints for ritual practices. Forinstance, “The Broccoli Alliance is committed to self-organizing. We follow our intellectual,emotional and spiritual energy in an intentional way.” As one member notes, “Today, wevalue the way we do things that are planned, and not planned. We go where the energy is.”BA meetings have a flexible yet reliable rhythm, a simple structure that we can count on. Thisbalance of ritual and emergent design requires that we declare our wants and needs someaningful contact can ensue.

“Check in” has become a central, life affirming custom, a constant medium for our mostintimate sharing and an intentional, disciplined process for finding out what’s important tous now. It is a practice field for astute listening and deeply affirming witnessing. We’velearned to notice themes that emerge and plumb them for meaning. We count on this time toconnect to our own authentic selves and become present to each other. In this way, we createthe space to live our positive core.

Impact and Lessons The Broccoli Alliance’s story is a testament to the value of AI. It is uncanny how closely ourlived experience tracks with our stated intentions. When we tell people about our group weoften hear, “I would love to be in a group like that!” We believe that AI can be a valuable toolfor creating other professional associations that are deeply life-affirming.

Our experience also suggests a blueprint for working with other systems. We developedownership of our positive core because we brought it vibrantly alive in the 4D intervention.The Exquisite Practice of Being Appreciative and our other themes took shape from that firstround of generic interviews and have continued to unfold in new ways since then. We nowsupport our clients to live their destiny at every phase of the 4D cycle. We keep our clientsmore intimately involved in each step, despite pressure to take short-cuts. We have come tounderstand that a system that deeply affirms its positive core is more resilient in the face ofchallenges.

Ritual practices literally create an energized field in which the system can unfold itspotential. Reading our haiku and theme statements helped build our “magical home base.”Our check in process created a reliable time and place in which we could take risks andreceive unwavering support. Emergent design holds us accountable to tune in and attend towhat has heart and meaning. Using these ritual practices, we have repeatedly andintentionally made the space to live out our destiny.

We’ve learned that Destiny involves an “unintentional intentionality”, living into thepositive core and the bold claims without an action plan! As we look to the future, it’s notsimply about sustaining our group and its progress. It’s about us being a generative group,continuing to live into our destiny and unfold our potential in new ways.

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AI success stories in print generally begin at the point of the first set of interviews. Yet beforethe agreement for a larger and more complex inquiry is finalized, there is a mysteriousperiod of contact development, relationship building, mutual education, offer crafting,exploratory dialogues at various levels, preliminary proposal writing, site visits, pilotprojects, AI and/or other OD processes implemented in sub-systems of the organization, etc.

Areas we would like to see coveredIn our May 2006 AI Practitioner issue, we seek to illuminate this typically hidden-from-viewDefinition or pre-Definition phase work and would like to explore:

The process of developing and nurturing new or expanded existing clientrelationships (High point stories of Definition, or even “pre-definition” e.g.nurturing the possibility for larger and more complex inquiries with prospectiveor existing clients over time; which can include inquiries still in the developmentalor Definition stage)

The activities, processes, and experiences that led to or contributed to theclient's decision to commit to a major AI engagement

Specific Processes, Challenges and Decisions involved in successful largeinquiries, including:

How AI was introducedSponsorship, scope, and inquiry architecture, etc.Which voices to bring into the room and for which activitiesWhether and how to deal with “contentious” or “negative”topics and issues Topic developmentOther key factors, issues, questions, discoveries, and learning’s regarding the work that occurs before and during the Definition Phase of whole system inquiries

INTERESTED IN CONTRIBUTING? WE'D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU!Please email your 250 word abstract, by February 15, as a MS Word file to both:Bernard J. Mohr: [email protected] P. Fitzgerald: [email protected]


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About the May 2006 IssueGetting Started: Secrets to Initiating and Contracting for

Successful Large InquiriesBernard Mohr and Stephen Fitzgerald

[email protected] and [email protected]

FOCUS ON YOUR PRACTICEAppreciative Inquiry in Your Work

MARCH 23 - 27, 2006 OCTOBER 11 - 15, 2006

FOCUS ON RELATIONSHIPCreating Appreciative Environments for Your Relationship

MAY 24 - 28, 2006 OCTOBER 4 - 8, 2006JOIN Ralph Kelly and Jane Magruder Watkins at MarshHaven, their

retreat house in the coastal marshes of Beaufort County, North Carolina.

LEARN MORE-WRITE TO:ralph@appreciativeinquiryunlimited.comwww.appreciativeinquiryunlimited.com

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COLLECTION CD 1998 - 2004

INTRODUCING...

The international online publication of Appreciative Inquiry best practice © copyrights 1998-2005

COLLECTION 1998-2004CD for computer use

The AIP collection CD 1998-2004 contains over 200 articles, interviews and reports, as well as industry contacts and resources. Written by professionals and active practitioners in the fi eld, it offers a unique insider’s perspective to the exciting global development of Appreciative Inquiry over the past 7 years.

Order information:[email protected]

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THE TAOS INSTITUTE

Workshop leaders

Anne Radford was one of the first people to work with Appreciative Inquiry in this country. She uses this, and other strength-based approaches to change, with businesses, in healthcare settings and communities. She coaches managers and consultants in their use

of these approaches and is the editor of Ai Practitioner, the international online publication of AI best practice.

Julian Rizzello, a Chartered Psychologist, works at the National School of Government. He has created and delivered a range of programmes for public and private managers on strategic planning, leadership, change and crisis management. His competences

include psychometric tests and Appreciative Inquiry.

Workshop Booking Form

Series fee includes attendance at the five sessions, full set of materials and tea/coffee breaks:

Booking paid for by an organisation £950.00Booking paid for by an individual £750.00Please ask about our NGO rate

PaymentCheque Please make payable to ‘Anne Radford’Credit card MasterCard / Visa / American Express

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Send to Anne Radford, 303 Bankside Lofts, 65 Hopton Street, London SE1 9JL or Fax. +44 (0) 20 7633 9670

Appreciative Inquiry

2 March 20063 March 20067 March 2006

21 March 200631 March 2006

A WORKSHOP OVER FIVE DAYSMarch 2006

Using Strength-based Approaches to Personal and Organisational Change: the Theory and Practice of Appreciative Inquiry

About Appreciative Inquiry

AI is an approach for creating and sustaining positive change in organisations and communities. Businesses, government agencies, and NGOs have successfully used this approach in complex changes like mergers, transforming systems, and involving a wide range of stakeholders.

The purpose of this series is to:

Understand the foundations of Ai including: new research on the value of positive emotions; the phases of Appreciative Inquiry; and the power of narrative and metaphor in organisational transformation.

Appreciate how Ai invites creative, new avenues for action in personal, organisational and social change and learn to apply it to your situations.

Introduce others to Ai including appreciative interviewing, crafting possibility statements, developing visioning, and collective and sustainable action.

Further InformationVisit www.aradford.co.uk/Pagefiles/events.htm

Visit www.aipractitioner.com

Call +44 (0) 20 7633 9630

Register online!

www.aipractitioner.com/NewShop/courses.htm

Designed for managers and consultants who want to develop or increase their ability to use AI.

Workshop leaders Anne Radford Julian Rizzello

Dates 2, 3, 7, 21, 31 March 2006

Location Central London

Sponsored by

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AI WORLD CONTACTSand AI Practitioner

subscription informationAUSTRIA Andrea Bumharter

[email protected] James [email protected] Liz Mellish [email protected] Gervase Bushe [email protected] John Brown [email protected] Ken Scott [email protected] Maureen [email protected] Joyce Rankin [email protected] Sara Inés Gómez [email protected] Dalsgaard [email protected] Jacobsgaard [email protected] Kongsbak [email protected] Southern Germany Walter Bruck [email protected] Germany Christoph Beck [email protected] Liebig [email protected] KONGCatriona Rogers [email protected] Bonner [email protected] Steinmeyer [email protected] ZEALANDPaul Dyer [email protected] Steinberg [email protected] Wright [email protected] AFRICABridget Woods [email protected] Sandstrom and Lisen Kebbe

[email protected] NETHERLANDS Joep de Jong [email protected] Thissen [email protected] Coast Muriel Finegold [email protected] Coast Marge Schiller [email protected] Coast Steve Cato [email protected]

PUBLICATION SUBSCRIPTIONSFOR THE AUTO-RENEWAL INDIVIDUALSUBSCRIPTION, go tohttp://www.aipractitioner.com/NewShop/newsub.htm

ONE YEAR FIXED AI PRACTITIONER PURCHASE: to buyone year’s worth of AIP Issues, go tohttp://www.aipractitioner.com/NewShop/newsub.htm

NGOS, STUDENTS AND COMMUNITY GROUPS HAVE ASPECIAL PURCHASE RATE, go tohttp://www.aipractitioner.com/NewShop/newsubstu.htm

A COPY FOR EVERYONE IN THE ORGANIZATION:To give access to the AIP password-controlled site foreveryone in the organization, buy the 1yr or 2yrCORPORATE LICENCE athttp://www.aipractitioner.com/NewShop/newsubcorp.htm

BACK ISSUESIssues 1 to 11 can be downloaded free of charge. There is anindex of issues atwww.aipractitioner.com/aipractitioner.htm

Single copies of Issue 12 onward can be purchased at thesecure shop athttp://www.aipractitioner.com/NewShop/aiprac.htm

CHANGE OF EMAIL ADDRESSSend the old and the new addresses [email protected] with ‘Change of address’ in thesubject line.

PUBLICATION ADVERTISING / SPONSORSHIP: Forthe advertising rates, contact Anne Radford.

PLEASE NOTE Views and opinions of the writers do notnecessarily reflect those of the publisher. Every effort ismade to ensure accuracy but all details are subject toalteration. No responsibility can be accepted for anyinaccuracies.PURPOSE OF AI PRACTITIONERThis publication is for people interested in making theworld a better place using Appreciative Inquiry. The AIPractitioner is designed to complement other AI resourcessuch as web sites, hard copy journals and the AI DiscussionList, and to support the whole tapestry of AI.

AI PRACTITIONER EDITOR/PUBLISHERThe editor/publisher is Anne Radford. Anne coaches consultants who want tobe AI practitioners. As an organisational consultant, she works withbusinesses, government and community groups. She is an Associate of theTaos Institute, New Mexico and a Founding member of AIC-AppreciativeInquiry Consulting. She is based in London and can be reached [email protected] publication is distributed quarterly: February, May, August andNovember. The postal address for thepublication is 303 Bankside Lofts, 65 Hopton Street, London SE1 9JL. Telephone: +44 (0)20 7633 9630 Fax: +44 (0)20 7633 9670AI Practitioner © 2006 Anne Radford

February 2006 ISSN AIPractitionerways of letting go and enabling and fostering a sense of autonomy...

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Transcript of February 2006 ISSN AIPractitionerways of letting go and enabling and fostering a sense of autonomy...