Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010

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Ishita Gupta

Ishita Gupta

advertising [at] fearlessstories [dot

Matt Atkinson

Katie Byrne

Jason Ramirez

fear.less

Publishers

Executive Editor

Advertising

Deputy Editor

Copy Editor

Senior Designer

acknowledgments

fear.less magazine is built on our contributors time, wisdom, and generosity. Gracious thanks to them. W

especially thank Brian Clark and Karen Preziosi for sharing their moving stories on September 11th.

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contents

12 16 2820 346

MAKE IT HAPPENAlex Gibney

6

4 EDITORS LETTER

THE BLANK SHEET OFPAPERMichael Paterson

16

RESPONSE ABILITYBrian Clark

28

12 WALK INTO FEARJacqueline Novogratz

THAT DAYKarens Preziosi

34

20 FOLLOW YOUR HEARTTom Kelly
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3/20

In matters of style, swim witthe current; in matters of

principle, stand like a rock.

Thomas Jefferson

There is no right way. Lets start off with

that. Fall is right around the corner (sum-

mer with a kiss of fall, a friend put it) and

with the seasonal change so with it comes my

personal desire to shed old habits and create

new grooves in my brain. Happy grooves. This

season of change brings relief, and Im glad

for it. What Ive noticed in the latest season

of my life (being a New Yorker, publishing a

magazine, working with inspired and creative

people, pushing myself and getting pushed

back) is that there is no right way.

Theres no right way to be an entrepreneur

(particularly lovely to know), no right way

to publish a never before published maga -

zine on a touchy topic, no right way (that

Ive heard) to balance work and personal life,

no right way to organize, no right way to do

crunches for awesome abs, no right phrase

to seal the deal. Ive had all these thoughts

in varying degrees in the last year (some sil-

ly, some major) but nonetheless Ive thought

them all.

Thats important.

It shows just how often we evaluate eve-

ry part of our lives, no matter how small or

huge, based on a right way. Were indoc-

trinated by well-meaning friends and family,

and not so well-intentioned media that show

us, very specifically, the right way to feel,

dress, smell, BE.

And lets not forget another culprit you and

I. We listen to everyone but ourselves, and

drown out our intuition by searching for an-

swers to questions were not even sure were

asking. We lose trust in our abilities, our

skills. We forget that we already know what

is right.

Im (clearly) not the Dalai Lama, but Ive

done my fare share of searching, and though

we usually shy away from general lessons

in fear.less, I want to share with you what

works for me. Take what you like and toss

the rest. (Repeat, rest, repeat): THERE IS NO

RIGHT WAY. TRUST YOUR INTENTIONS & DE-

CISIONS. BE WARY OF ALL GENERAL ADVICE.

STOP SEARCHING. LEARN (from others. FROM

YOURSELF), JUST DO THINGS. SO WHAT. MIS -

TAKES MATTER, MAKE THEM A LOT.

Not very lama-esque. But Ishita-esque. It

feels like me, and as the seasons change and

I get more comfortable in my own skin, I re-

alize how nice it is to not just be in my ownskin, but occupy it. Feels good, man.

In nature there is no right way. A tree isnt a

bush and it doesnt care about being one. A

bush isnt a squirrel nor does it want to be. A

squirrel doesnt want to be a fig (nyc squir-

rels will tell you so damnit!) Fall reminds me

not to wish for a different way, but to accept

the way thats unfolding in the moment (to

get Buddhist on you.)

Our contributors in this issue faced their own

questions about how to do it, whether it was

creating an Oscar-winning film (Alex Gibney),

facing his deepest fears in strict ashram life

(Tom Kelly) or quitting his job to uncover his

creative side (Michael Paterson.)

It wasnt easy (is it ever, really?), no doubt

they were laughed at, told they couldnt do

it, but in fact doing things their way brought

them to the success theyre known for now.

Being this awesome doesnt come from just

doing things the right way.

Keep reading to find more courageous folks

in this issue and as we change with the sea-sons (I think thats all of us), please share

fear.less with anyone who needs to hear that

their way is the right way.

Itll produce some really happy grooves.

xo Ishita

editor(s)letter


4/20

Alex Gibney is an Oscarand Emmy-winning director and

producer. His work includes Enron:

The Smartest Guys in the Room,

Jimi Hendrix and the Blues, The

Human Behavior Experiments and

the Academy Award-winning Taxi

to the Dark Side, about a taxi driver

in Afghanistan who was tortured and

killed at Bagram Air Base in 2002.

Gibney is president of JigsawProductions an independentproduction company producing

lms, music documentaries and TV

miniseries.

HYPOTHETICALHORRIBLES INAFGHANISTAN

Ive had moments In

afghanIstan where

bombs exploded very

near my house, and

once a journalIst

was kIlled by someone

wearIng chest

explosIves at a spot

I had been just a few

mInutes before. so

theres no questIon

You just have to trust theprocess.

MAKE ITHAPPEN

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5/20

at I felt fear, but in those times,

ou cant really overcome that

ar; you just take precautions

nd be sensible. You realize that

nything can happen, and all you

an do is be cautious. That calms

ou down, to some extent.

those moments, theres noth-

g to do but focus on details.

stead of being frozen by hypo-

etical horribles, you focus on

e immediate details in front of

ou: How should I best accom-

ish this task? How can I nd

hat Im looking for? Who can I

sk? Who might speak English?

y focusing on the details, I found

at my broader, more generalar dissipated slowly.

................................

A PARENTSWORST FEAR

m usually thinking more about

y family than I am about myself

those moments, and although

m concerned for my safety, I

ertainly felt a responsibility for

em. Its much tougher to take

ose kinds of risks when people

e depending on you.

he most devastating fear for

e is to look into the future and

magine that you dont have thebility to take care of your chil-

ren. It may not sound like the

ar one experiences when facing

ring squad, but when you look

small kids and youre not mak-

g any money, and your pros-

ects look dim, and you dont

now if theyll be able to go to a

good school and you dont know

if you can keep a roof over their

heads, its a terrifying thought.

These thoughts racked me with

fear for many years and were

the worst moments of my life.

I wasnt able to sleep, it was so

consuming.

..................................

NO NEED TOPANIC

I was overcome by anxiety early

in my career during the editing

process, thinking that I wouldnt

nd the story or structure. It

overwhelmed me to the point

where I felt paralyzed, unable to

move forward. I was thrashing

about in a desperate state, always

trying to nd a way to the issue

of the lm. But in a documenta-

ry, youre trying to discover the

story through the material, so es-

sentially youre writing the script

at the end of the process rather

than at the beginning. Inevitably,

you go through a process where

you just dont know what the sto-

ry is, youre not certain how it will

turn out. You just have to trust

the process and visualize a mo-

ment in the not-so-distant future

when you know youre getting to

the end, and you know the end

will be good.

You have to have enough con-

dence in yourself to know that

youll get there somehow. That

realization allows you to nd

the story more quickly, because

youre not crippled by anxiety

and you know that its OK not to

know. Its a little like being in a

fog. You know sooner or later the

fog will lift, so theres no need for

you to panic.

..................................

IMAGINEYOURSELFSUCCEEDING

Youre not sure how youre go-

ing to get there, and you dont

know the path to reach the end,

but by being condent or fooling

yourself into a condence that

youll get there, it allows you to

go forward. If you visualize fail-

ure in the forefront of your mind,

youre done. You somehow have

to imagine yourself succeeding,

which allows you to then move

onto a path of success. If youre

lost in the woods and you pan-

ic, you get yourself into a much

worse situation than if you do

something rationally with the

hope that things will turn out

OK. Sometimes you can actually

take some comfort from admit-

ting that things are not good at

the moment but that they will get

better, and you focus on making

them so.

Getting lost in the woods is a lot

like making a documentary lm.

You have a lot of trees, a lot of

material, but you dont know how

to see any order in that mate-

rial or how to see your way out

of the forest. As a young man, I

was ailing around saying, Oh

my God, we dont know what

the structure is! This is terrible!

Sometimes I would impose a

structure, to the lms detriment.

It got me to a semi-nish line,

but it wasnt the best thing to

do. Allowing yourself time to nd

just the right story is crucial. It

takes some time to discern that,

but you have to be condent that

youll be able to get there.

..................................

FEAR IS THEPRICE OFAMBITION

Fear of failure and competit

still very much a driving fo

my career. I recently read a

on sociobiology that chang

thinking about fear called

Moral Animal by Robert W

He talks about how anxie

be a rather useful mechani

survival. If everyone was on

all the time, theyd never

get out of the woods if they

lost. Theyd be ne wher

are because, why did it m

They wouldnt have any am

These thoughts racked mewith fear for many years andwere the worst moments of mylife. I wasnt able to sleep, it wasso consuming.

It overwhelmed me to thepoint where I felt paralyzed, unable to move forward.

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6/20

ecause they wouldnt have fear

f failure as a motivator. Fear still

otivates me - I imagine releas-

g a lm and everyone walking

ut saying, What a joke. The

orst thing is if people yawn and

ink, Man, this is boring. Just

ecause Im at a certain level in

y career doesnt mean the fear

as disappeared. But if it werent

ere, I dont think I could push

yself to do the work.

................................

CHECKYOURSELF

hen I see new lmmakers who

ave a lot of fear, I tell them to

cus on the essence of their

ory, to nd one they think will

and the test of time and to in-

estigate how to make it happen.

hey need to check themselves

pfront to make sure its a story

at they feel in their gut, and if

is, then to pursue it as aggres-

sively and completely as possible.

When youre done, you need to

envision that youll be judged

by other people. You dont want

to spend too much time think-

ing about what others think, but

you need to be aware of it. At

the same time, use yourself as a

gauge. Would I be interested in

this? Would I walk into a theater

to watch this? It helps to imagine

yourself as the audience of your

lm.

I dont think the lms I make are

that great a risk. Yes, sometimes

I make lms about powerful

people, but its hard to imagine

that powerful people would no-

tice me, or if they did, that theywould take me out. When I go to

a dangerous place, that does oc-

casionally give me pause, but I

dont really focus on the risk that

much; I focus on the interest of

the story.

And usually, Im interested in

stories where I think some fun-

damental wrong has been com-

mitted. That kind of pisses you

o and makes you want to do

something about it. Im telling

that story. Im not worrying too

much about Is Dick Cheney go-

ing to be angry with me?

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7/20

Jacqueline Novogratzis the founder and CEO of

Acumen Funda nonprot ven-ture fund that uses entrepreneurial

approaches to redene solutions to

poverty. Acumen Fund nances en-

trepreneurs who bring aordable

clean water, housing and health care

to the poor. Prior to Acumen Fund,

Jacqueline directed The Philanthropy

Workshop at the Rockefeller Founda-

tion and founded Duterimbere, a mi-

cronance institution in Rwanda. Her

book The Blue Sweater tells stories

of a new philanthropy, emphasizing

bottom-up solutions over traditional

top-down aid.

A LOT OF ARMS TOCATCH YOU

I never felt too much

fear, even as a lIttle

kId. my mother tells

a story about when I

was 6 and how I really

wanted to walk

to school, because

the nuns cleaned

the sacrIsty In themornIng, and It was

about a mIle away

from our house. to get

there...

If anything, fear makes mework harder.

WALK INTOFEAR

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8/20

had to leave at 6:30 a.m. in the

ark, and she thought it was a

rrible idea but saw that there

as no stopping me. On the rst

ay, she literally drove behind

e slowly as I walked! She said,

Youre going to get yourself

lled! The next day, I did it by

yself.

espite this, I would get really

nxious about being the last kid

n the swim team. And some-

mes I was the worst kid on the

wim team, but I just did it any-

ay. What put things into per-

pective was after a race, when I

alized I survived and felt much

e same afterward as before. I

as lucky because I had parentsat said, You cant be good at

verything. Part of the blessing

f having a big family is that if

ou fall down, there are a lot of

ms to catch you.

................................

GIVE LOVE TOTHEM

Another aspect of being in a big

family is big expectations. As

the eldest child, you always want

to get good grades and just be

good the biggest fear is failing

at something.

As a young person, the thing I

was most scared of was public

speaking. The rst time I had to

talk to a big group of people, I

was absolutely terried. I used to

practice my speeches 20 times if

it was a big one, and Id be up

half the night working on it. Now

I dont practice at all unless its

really high stakes! But the more I

did it, the more I felt comfortable

with it. It took a lot of years and a

lot of practice.

I just looked at it and thought,

Its not about you. Its about

giving a message to those peo-

ple out there. Your job is to go

out there and be an instrument

and give love to this audience. I

talked myself into it, and then Id

go and do it. Its not that the fear

isnt there; its a commitment to

looking at the fear and walking

through it.

..................................

ANYTHING BUTMEDIOCRITY

To me, mediocrity was always

a much bigger fear than falling

down and having to pick yourself

back up. It felt much worse.

When I rst started Acumen,

someone said to me, Tell me

about your fear of failing. I said,

I dont have a fear of failing. He

said, Just visualize it for me. I

said, I cant visualize it for you,

its ridiculous. Im not going to

fail. He got so frustrated with

me, because he thought I wasnt

looking internally enough, but I

reected on that later, that per-

haps thats the nature of being an

entrepreneur - you cant visual-

ize failure, only success.

In Africa, there was a great deal

of uncertainty, and I wasnt quite

sure what my works role was ini-

tially. I questioned, Should I be

here? Am I doing the right thing?Am I good enough for this? But

again, maybe its entrepreneur-

ship, maybe its leadership, may-

be its just getting things done in

the world. You look at that fear,

and you just kind of walk into it.

You dont let it paralyze you.

..................................

KEEPINGYOURSELF INCHECK

One of the fears of being suc-

cessful is that perhaps youll lose

your humility. Another is that

youll move too far away from

the people that youre ultimately

serving and then be less eec-

tive. A third fear, which abso-

lutely needs to be confronted, is

that youll pay the price of losing

some of your closest social rela-

tionships, that you wont be there

enough for family and friends,

because youre so focused on the

mission that youre trying to ac-

complish.

Even if those work out, its still

possible you wont be good

enough, that you wont even

know if youre successful or if

youre really changing the world

for anybody in a way that real-

ly matters. And if you are good

enough, the world starts paying

a lot of attention to you, so you

have to somehow balance the

condence in going after what

you need to accomplish with the

humility of knowing youre a long

way from getting there.

I feel these fears every day. If any-

thing, it makes me work harder.

At some level, if I didnt have

those fears, then Id hope that

one of my friends would slap me.

Theyre motivating, cont

fears. The fear that will che

and your ego, check you an

desires.

.................................

LIMITLESSPOTENTIAL

Even as a young person, I

ways believed that peop

capable of extraordinary t

Human beings really do hav

limited potential, I have no

about that. I believed in s

Acumen from the though

bridging charity and the m

place could solve big proand that the world would r

nize more and more how

connected we are.

Part of theblessing ofhaving a big

amily is that ifyou fall down,

here are a

ot of arms to

catch you.

To me,mediocritywas always amuch biggerfear than fall-ing down andhaving to pickyourself backup.

One of thefears of beingsuccessful isthat perhapsyoull lose yourhumility.

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9/20

Michael Patersonis Creative Director at Ogilvy and

Mather Advertising in New York. He

started as an account executive in

London after earning his masters

in modern languages from Oxford

University. After living in Paris for

six years, he came to New York and

progressed up the corporate ladder,

rising to management supervisor. In

2000, he abandoned his corporate

career and, after studying nights andweekends and creating his portfolio,

began a new one as an art director at

Ogilvy. Michael has created extensive

advertising campaigns for clients

such as IMB, Motorola, Cotton, Inc.,

and Lenovo.

IMMERSE YOURSELF

fear Is a blank sheet of

paper. Its hard to face

the questIon, where

do you start? as a

creatIve professIonal.

you address that by

makIng sure youre

armed wIth all the

resources you can

possIbly have. that

means beIng swamped

In art and culture,

and really beIng

knowledgeable about

whats goIng on.

There isnt much to be afraid ofbesides failure.

THE BLANKSHEET OF

PAPER

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10/20

hat at least ensures that youre

quipped when you need to be,

o that you can solve the large

eative problems and things

pring to mind immediately when

ou confront the blank sheet of

aper. By educating yourself and

mmersing yourself in it, you di-

inish that fear. The imposing

ank sheet of paper becomes an

mazing canvas to create some-

ing original on. Its still the

cariest thing, but also the big-

est opportunity.

he biggest fear as a cre-

ive professional is, How

ood is my next idea go-

g to be? Im faced withat fear every day, and

s a creative person, the

uck stops with you. You

ant turn to anybody else

solve the problems for

ou, youre the end of the

hain, and you have to solve

em yourself. People come to

ou because they want you to

olve the problem, and that hap-

ens every day, and youve got to

andle it.

................................

FROMDARKNESS TOSUNLIGHT

efore this job I was doing some-

ing entirely dierent, so I know

e dierence between being a

eative professional and being

uck in a job youre not sure is

ght for you. Ive always been

eative, even as a kid, always had

n interest in art and photogra-

phy and fashion, but my previous

job was a business management

job where my creative side wasnt

engaged at all, and I became

very frustrated. I began debating

whether to switch careers. I was

thinking, I should do this, but I

dont know if I can, or how. That

was the most fearful time for me,

but I asked myself Whats the

a l t e rna - tive? I had no

rationale for staying in business,

so confronting my fear was the

only option.

The transition when I gave it all

up was a very exciting moment

of owering in my life. Really, it

was like the sun coming out af-

ter a huge long period of dark-

ness. I thought to myself, You

only live once, and to me it

meant, Why not actually live?

I dont think people really un-

derstand that, they forget what

that means. Sure, you might take

a risk, but theres always a risk

involved no matter what you do.

Sure, you might have to change,

and change is something I think a

lot of people fear, but in my ex-

perience, change has always been

a good thing. Its always provided

new avenues and opportunities,

things youve never even thought

of. Of course theres always the

chance things could go wrong.

But isnt it better to take that

risk? Or is it better to look back

at the end of it and say, I wish

Id taken that risk. The risk

of staying stagnant is muchworse than the risk of ex-

ploring opportunity, even

though its scary. If I hadnt

changed and made that tran-

sition in my life, I would be in

a much worse place right now.

..................................

UNCERTAINTY,MEETOPPORTUNITY

These uncertain times are a huge

opportunity for people. There are

a lot of people who dont like what

they do who can now choose to

reevaluate how they spend their

time. People will speak to me

and ask, What do you do? When

I say Im an art director, I cant

tell you how many times theyve

responded, Oh, that sounds like

fun. Whats it like? And I tell

them how I love getting up in the

morning and cant wait to come

to work, which doesnt even feel

like work, it just feels like my

life. Its what I do. So many times

people say, I have a job, but I

really dont enjoy what I do. So

lots of people obviously dont like

where theyre at. The troubles on

Wall Street might be a blessing

in disguise because maybe our

lives wont be so driven by money

anymore. Theres much more to

life than money, but in the past

20 years, money has been such a

huge driver.

..................................

FAILURE: GIVEIT A GO

There really isnt much to be

afraid of besides failure, and

what is failure anyway? If you try

something and it doesnt work, is

that really a failure? If you cause

a problem for somebody else or

you harm someone, thats dif-

ferent. But I always have in the

back of my mind, Well, at least

nobody died, its not that big a

deal. Thats what I say to myself.

Try it. Go for it. Give it a go. The

worst anyone can say is No. And

for every no there is a yes.

The creative industry is extremely

competitive, and competition is a

very healthy inspiration for suc-

cess. It inspires people to do well,

to do their best, to stay current.

And failures not a bad thing. Id

say most of the things Ive worked

on failed in one respect or anoth-

er. But Im still proud of them be-

cause theyve taught me some-

thing. I dont see the time I spent

before I became an art director as

a negative thing. If I hadnt done

that, I dont think I would have

the drive or enjoyment for what

I do now. That experience of not

doing what I loved makes thistime that much more valuable. I

look at everything from that per-

spective, that youve got to go

one step at a time and learn from

each experience.

..................................

REMAINING AGENERATOR

As you progressively b

more successful, the down

that you move away from

the person who actually c

the work and comes up w

idea to someone more in th

of enlisting and inspiring

people to come up with

You begin to move away fro

reason you got into it in th

place. Thats why you have

main you. You have to co

doing and thinking crea

You must actually generate

as well as develop them in o

because if you lose that co

tion to the blank sheet of

you cease to become a cperson. The best creative

are the ones who continue

those two things as they b

more successful. I couldn

up and get to work every

I didnt have that motivatin

The reason I come in is the

to create something.



11/20

At the age of 24, Tom Kellyentered the Self-Realization Fellow-ship monastic order, taking vows of

simplicity, chastity, and obedience.

There, he spent the next 25 years as

a monk steeped in meditation and

humanitarian service. In 1999, Tom

left the monastic life to expand his

training and share his self-transfor-mation with others. He founded the

Soul Centerin Encinitas, Califor-nia, where he brings Raja Yogato the community through classes,

spiritual coaching and meditation.

Tom is an inspirational speaker who

travels worldwide to teach the trans-

formative power of yoga.

efore I went

Into the ashram

I was In college,

takIng all the relIgIon

and spIrItual classes

I could. I knew there

was somethIng In

my lIfe that I had to

understand and In

college the knowledgewas just pumpIng In

from the InsIde-out I

dIdnt feel It was rIght

for me. I realIzed that I

wanted to try to lead

the lIfe of a monastIc...

FOLLOWYOURHEART

You must keep utilizing whatworks for you.

B

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12/20

become a monk. My whole

piritual life, Ive followed my

eart, not my head. In college. I

alized that instead I wanted to

arn the life of a monastic and

ad my heart set on a particular

shram. After a long year of wait-

g on the wait list, I followed my

eart into the ashram and was

ery excited about going in. The

ay I arrived, I was over the moon

ecause I knew this was my lifes

urpose, and I couldnt believe I

as actually in. After waiting for

o long, it was wonderful.

he second day, however, my

ead started to get in the way. I

arted to question: Is this really

ght for me? This is really serious.

hat have I just done? Theres no

rning back from here. I knew

at this way of life was some-

ing you couldnt just do half-

ay - that it was going to be very

emanding for me personally. So

started to doubt my decision.doubted all day and the strife

ept building and building all day

ng and even into the night, to

e point where I couldnt sleep

at night because my heart was

clipsed by so much fear. I had

o much fear in my mind about

hether Id be able to live this

fe, whether I was disciplined

enough, whether I was too world-

ly of a person, whether Id miss all

the things of the world if I lived in

the ashram. By the time the third

day rolled around, I had already

decided I was leaving - my things

were packed.

My wholespiritual life,ve followedmy heart, notmy head.

That same afternoon on the third

day, the head monk called me in

for a meeting. I still hadnt methim yet since getting in, and the

rst thing he said to me when he

saw me was, Why are you think-

ing of leaving? I was shocked,

because I had never met him and

I hadnt told anyone about my

plan, so I thought, This guys a

mind reader! So I asked him if he

was.

Its written all over your face,

he said. Then he explained to me

logically that it didnt make sense

to wait so long to come into the

ashram and then leave after two

days. Why dont you just give us

one year here and see if youre

not happier at the end of the

year, he said. It sounded logical,

and being so young and scared, I

didnt have a rational argument,so I said, Ill give it one year.

Now, that still didnt take any of

the doubts or pain away, and the

fears didnt go away, but it did

help me to at least commit for

one year. Only now do I realize

that it was part of what I needed

to go through early in my life - to

face my fears head on - and I had

no other recourse but to pray and

meditate deeply.

..................................

THE DOORSCLOSEDBEHIND ME

When I came into the ashram, the

biggest fear in my mind was the

fear of living in the strict envi-

ronment and of leaving my fam-

ily, and it wasnt until the doors

actually closed behind me that

the stu hit the fan. All of my old

tendencies that Id tried to shed

before the ashram returned with

a vengeance and it felt like the

few years of spiritual work Id

done before didnt make any dif-

ference at all.

Nothing made sense to me. Noth-

ing. It was so hard to live with the

decision I made, and it felt like

life or death - just plain survival.

I didnt know from one day to the

next how I was going to make it

through. All I relied on was guts

and faith, the things that got me

in there. I actually cried a lot of

tears that rst year.

I think God wanted me inside

the door, with 15 other people,

in a very intense environment,because he knew I wouldnt be

able to leave even though I really

wanted to. The only way is to just

follow your heart, regardless of

what your head, your habits, or

the world, say to you. Thats how

youll be victorious. You have to

have counter-intelligence, and

counter the things that seem like

reality. You have to create

way of looking at your tho

and be super imaginativ

creative about what works f

to stay close to peace and

fear. It sure wont be eas

nothing of value is ever ac

easily.

As soon as you form a lofty

tion for something good fo

soul, its no cakewalk, be

theres a force in this worl

opposes the good, and as

as we get serious about

ing our consciousness, tha

gets more active. But I don

lieve were put in situation

are truly too much for us

though we think they are. T

a spiritual guidance team b

everything, orchestrating

going on. Theyre aware

we have to go through som

karma, theyll put us in a

tion where well face it ancome much stronger than w

coming at us.

After my rst year I had a

meeting with the head mon

he asked, Well, are you hap

And I had to say yes. I was

pier. Perhaps because of a d

I had so much fear in mymind about whether Id be ableto live this life...

I didntknow from oneday to the nexthow I was go-ing to make itthrough.

I dont be-lieve were pin situationsthat are truly

too much forus.



13/20

ommitment to my soul, which

ad given me clarity and courage

follow my heart in the past, I

as able to keep my fears at bayr a little while. I lived that life

ear after year for 25 years, and

s long as I was happier each

ear, then that way of life was

orth it for me.

................................

BALE HAYWHILETHE SUN ISSHINING

have a lot of tools, sharpened

ver many years, to recognize

ar and to practice things that

set fear almost instantaneous-

. But that doesnt mean that itoesnt come back, and when

does, I use another tool. You

ave to keep utilizing what you

ave and what works for you, and

nce you nd them, using them

ecomes 100 percent the focus.

hen you build up a bank account

f amazing, wonderful energy,

conscious awareness and skills

so that when you face some un-

expected darkness or tests, you

have so much in reserve to deal

with it. Most people have noth-

ing in reserve to deal with fear,

and life just takes them down.

Its crisis management for most

people. The best way to handle it

is to make a lot of spiritual eort

in phases when youre not go-

ing through a test or a moment

of fear, so that you can prepare

yourself for when you do.

You need to have the eye of the

tiger and sense the nish line

even though it might be lifetimes

away. Theres a saying, Bale hay

while the sun is shining, so when

things get rough, theres no lev-

eling out. Theres no status quo

on the spiritual path. You have to

have a go-for-it attitude, take

advantage of every opportunityof good health and every oppor-

tunity to meditate, because thats

what abundance is about. Its the

abundance of all those wonderful

eorts put in over a long period

of time that store up amazing

grace when you need it.

Im talking about doing it rightnow. Go for it right now, wher-

ever youre at and whatever

youre doing. Theres no time to

waste. The good times are a time

to make a lot of spiritual money,

store up a lot of good spiritual

energy and put it in the bank -

the bank of the soul. Youve got

to bank on your soul. Its the re-

pository, the center of the wealth

of the universe. Thats the pro-

active approach to dealing with

fear.

..................................

THE OPPOSITEOF FEAR

When the time came that I seri-

ously considered leaving the ash-

ram after 25 years, I went on a

month-long retreat. I started hav-

ing signicant fears about leav-

ing the ashram after being there

for so long, and I started journal-

ing my fears in a notebook. After

nearly lling an entire notebook,

I thought, Theres no way I can

leave here. I have to stay. Whats

interesting is that even though I

felt fear in my heart, I didnt re-

ally think of them as fears at that

time; I just thought they were

feelings guiding me to stay in

the ashram rational feelings, I

thought. Everything I wrote down

suggested that it would be a bad

move to go out in the world.

Then one morning I looked at

each fear, every single one, and

wrote the opposite of each one

down. After I wrote the rst one,

I couldnt believe how all of the

sudden my heart felt lighter just

by writing it down. I felt that

when I wrote the opposite of each

fear, it almost reminded me, Oh,

thats who I am. This fear isnt

who I am, this idea beyond my

fear is who I am. So I proceeded

to do every single one like that,

the pages upon pages of fears I

had written down. By the time I

nished the last one, I knew: Its

absolutely time to leave the Ash-

ram.

Whats really interesting is that

none of those fears that I wrote

down that day have come true

since I left. Not one has materi-

alized. Its only in leaving that I

realized that my fears were base-

less. All my thoughts of Would

I be able to make it on my own?

Would I stay as spiritually intense

as I was in the Ashram? and on

and on werent even a consider-

ation. The answer was yes. Yes.

Im glad I addressed those fears

then, but the bottom line is: Write

down the opposite of your fears.

Youll probably realize that thats

who you really are, and then fol-

low that. Then always follow that.

Always follow your heart even if

it makes absolutely no sense to

your head. Follow and trust love.It will take you on a path that you

could never dream up in your

mind that leads you straight to

where you need to go.

..................................

LIFE: THEMOVIE

We live on a planet of change, of

duality. Theres birth and death,

sickness and health, youth and

age, sadness and happiness all

built into the human condition.

We dont know from one mo-

ment to the next if were

to be alive or if our loved

are going to be alive. So w

fear because its our fundam

human right. Add the stres

modern-day living and eco

pressures, and theres a c

tive fear that is a major fo

our lives. But fear and co

are constructed from the

entity, like dierent shape

movie screen formed by a

beam of light. When we

that we dont have to live

lusion, we are truly empow

When you turn inward, t

your soul, you gain a pow

daunted by the reality of

I still feel fear sometimes, b

35 years of spiritual eo

shown me that fear can

greatest thing to help turn

attention toward light a

motivator to change our

from the illusion of our wo

the potential we have withi

I try to keep my focus o

thought every day. As soo

forget that truth, Im in fe

soon as you choose anythi

truth, youre in delusion,

delusion theres fear. It

clear-cut - there isnt much

You haveto keep utiliz-ing what youhave and whatworks foryou.

We feel fear

because itsour funda-mental humanright.

As soonas you form aofty intentionor something

good for yoursoul, its nocakewalk.

I lookedat each fear,every singleone, and wrotethe oppositeof each onedown. Fear acourage a

constructfrom the saentity..



14/20

ou either choose the positive

ought and mitigate the fear, or

ou choose the negative thought

nd remain in the darkness of

ar. Weve all been hypnotized to

rget how to do this. It has to be

practice of remembrance of

eady focus. We dont just need

minders every now and then,

e need to initiate the willpower

remember all the time. This

onstant practice is something

nyone can do.

.................................

STATE OFGRACE

e should recognize that theres

divine orchestration behind our

lives. Sometimes were so over-

whelmed by challenges and dif-

culties that we dont realize that

everything is still divvied up by

God. Were only given as much

as we can handle to grow but

never enough to smash us. I be-

lieve that our trials to come to us

in moments when were able to

handle them and grow to teach

us lessons, not to defeat us.

Now, Im approaching almost 40

years of steady spiritual living, 25

years in the monastery and when

Im in a state of grace, Im fear-

less. And I know for a fact that

sincere eort brings grace. Grace

comes when you are totally, sin-

cerely wanting to know truth,

from wanting to be a good per-

son, from wanting to do the right

thing. Its all in degrees. So the

more that you make steady, daily

progress and give daily remind-

ers to yourself, the more fearless

and in a state of grace youll be-

gin to feel.

..................................

Were onlygiven as muchas we can han-dle to grow butnever enoughto smash us..

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15/20

THE ROOMFALLS APART

The rst 10 seconds after the

plane hit our building, the

room fell apart. For ve or six

seconds, the building swayed

towards the Hudson River

about 6 feet, and then it came

back to vertical and stopped.

During that oscillation, I was

terried that the building was

going to fall over.

After the rst plane hit, we

werent sure that it was a hi-

jacking. We knew it was se-

vere, because we could look

up next door and see ma-

jor damage, but we really

thought it was an accident or

just a one-o situation. But

our tower was hit 17 minutes

afterward, and then I knew in

an instant that it was terror-

ism.

..................................

A FEELING OFCALM

When the building came back

to vertical, I felt that I was

physically ne and I could

think rationally. I could walk

about freely, I wasnt trapped,

and I had my ashlight with

me. I had this feeling - not

calmness, but optimism. I

had a sense of certainty that

I would be OK.

Since the 93 bombing, I had

volunteered to be a re mar-

shal on our oor, so I felt a

responsibility to help people

evacuate and get to a safe

zone. I led a group of seven

people down the west hall-

way to the center core where

we began our descent down

stairway. The plan was to go

to the center, nd a stairway

and start our descent. It was

only three oors down when

a woman came up the stairs

and stopped us, blocked us

from going further. She said,

We just came o a lower

oor, and there was ames

and smoke. Weve got to go

up higher.

..................................

SCREAMINGFOR HELP

I tried listening to this woman

but was interrupted by hear-

ing this banging noise and

mued screaming. I shut

my eyes and tried to concen-

trate on what I was hearing.

Turns out it was a stranger

screaming for help on oor

81. I left our group to go and

help, even though it pulled

me out of the group of peo-

ple I was leading down the

stairs. They turned around

and went upstairs, doing

what they thought was best

and listening to that woman,

and I was now focused on go-

ing to get this stranger. After

some probing in the smoky

darkness, I found the man

RESPONSEABILITY

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16/20

nd rescued him where he was

apped. He introduced himself

s Stanley.

hen we came back to the stairs,

didnt see any ames that the

oman had mentioned, so I wentown to investigate with this

ew friend of mine. Stanley and

picked our way through the de-

ris, through the 81st and past

e 78th oors. There were some

ames in the wall, but we just

ept going. At the 74th oor, all

f a sudden, we were in normal

onditions. The lights were on,

nd there was fresh air. There

as about an inch of water ow-

g underfoot from some bro-

en pipes, but once we got to

e 74th, I remember thinking,

Were ne. Well just walk out of

ere and be OK.

................................

A CRITICALDECISION

retrospect, the dilemma I was

ying to understand in that ear-

er moment was, Should I lis-

n to the woman or go to help

e stranger? If I were someone

se, I wonder if I would have

just thought, OK, this woman is

right. Theres got to be ames

down there. Im going to go up.

Thats clearly what my other

friends thought when they heard

her story, but they didnt make it

out. I only heard her talk for 10

seconds as she blocked us from

going down the stairs.

If that woman hadnt been there,

a lot of stories would be dier-

ent. I would have led that group

down, we would have dug our

way through the debris, but Stan-

ley would have been stuck where

he was and he would have died.

Its bizarre to think about.

I went because my grandmother

instilled some simple values in

me, and I put myself in Stanleys

position and knew I would have

wanted someone to help me if I

really needed help. So in I went.

Thats how it unfolded in that

moment. My friends didnt makea bad decision; they just made an

unfortunate one. They were given

information at the time, and they

accepted what she was saying.

Maybe if I had stayed in that con-

versation I could have convinced

everyone to go down and not up.

I dont know.

..................................

ANOTHERSTORY

I went in on the 81st oor with

a co-worker of mine named

Ron DiFrancesco. Ron was in

my group of six or seven that I

was leading down the stairs. It

was dark, and there was lots of

smoke. We were walking slowly.

It took awhile to move a short

distance just because it was dark

and so full of smoke that we re-

ally didnt know where we were

going. We were just responding

to this strangers voice. Halfway

there, Ron, who was right beside

me, was completely overcome by

smoke. Stanley, who I hadnt met

yet, was screaming, Help, Im

buried, I cant breathe, and Ron,

who was 2 feet away from me,

was just sputtering, completely

overwhelmed and gasping for

oxygen. But somehow, around

me was this bubble of fresh air,

like I was in a space helmet or a

divers mask. Ron left me, went

back to the stairs and went up.

He caught up to the other peo-

ple who were walking up, while I

continued further onto the 81st

oor and got Stanley.

Ron actually survived. He went up

to the 91st oor, 10 oors higher.

Thats where he caught up to ev-

erybody, and they said they were

starting to lie down on the oor

thinking they could get fresh air

closer to the oor. He said people

started falling asleep. That was

the phrase he used. They were

unconscious.

Thats how itunfolded in thatmoment.

Ron said he was almost asleep

when he heard a voice within him

say, Get up - almost a spiritual

thing. He said he knew that he

had to see his wife and children

again, so he fought his way back

to the stairs through the smoke.

The rst upper oors werentobstructed; about 80 or 81 was

where the damage started, and

Ron picked his way through the

debris as Stanley and I had done

earlier. He ended up following us

down and out of the building.

..................................

NONIGHTMAREONE DREAM

Despite my experience, Iv

blessed with the ability asleep when my head hi

pillow. I dont have night

about that day or anythin

that, but I did have one dre

signicance. September 11

a Tuesday, and on the foll

Monday night, I fell into a

where I was lying in my be

Despite myexperience, Ivebeen blessed

with the abilityto fall asleepwhen my headhits the pil-low.

I had asense of cer-ainty thatwould be

OK.



17/20

y head o the pillow. To the

ot of my bed came Jos Mar-

ro.

anley and I had passed Jos on

e stairs on the 68th oor - he

as walking up. Hes the only

erson that Stanley and I saw in

e stairs in our entire decent.

e didnt overtake anybody. No-

ody overtook us. There were no

remen or policemen walking up

e stairs. We didnt see anybody

ith this one exception. I said,

os, where are you going? He

aid, I can hear Dave Vera up

bove, hes on the walkie-talkie

elping people. Im going up to

elp him. He didnt come backown.

ut a week later, Jos came to

e foot of my bed in my dream.

here was no tunnel of light, no

ashing lights, nothing like that

just Jos with this lovely smile

at he was known for. I looked

him and I was almost accusa-

ry. I said, Jos, youre alive!

ow did you do that? You fooled

verybody. Thats amazing! He

dnt respond to me, other than

smile and a nod of the head. He

onveyed a message, without him

erbalizing it, of Youll gure it

ut. So, I stared at him for an-

ther second or two, and then I

hut my eyes and shook my head.

that split second, he disap-

peared. About two seconds later,

my alarm went o. And from that

moment, I knew that Jos was

ne and my co-workers were

ne, and I have had no trouble

telling this story.

..................................

NO DOUBT

Any doubts about my faith evap-

orated after that dream. I was

raised a Protestant Christian, and

of course its natural to question

whats real and whats possible,

but now, I just have absolutely no

doubt about life after death and

there being a heaven. Ive always

been accused of being an opti-

mist, so its kind of natural for

me to continue that optimism.

Its not new, but it is reinforced.

..................................

RECOVERY

Less than a week after September

11, our company had a meeting

where we decided that we would

rebuild the company as best we

can and nancially help the fami-

lies of our victims. We lost 61

people out of 250 employees in

our World Trade Center oce.

We were fortunate. Prudential

Securities gave us a full oor of

one of their oce buildings. Dell

came in with computers from

their warehouse. We got support

its naturalto questionwhats real andwhats possi-

ble, but now, Ijust have abso-lutely no doubtabout life afterdeath.

from New York Telephone. Our

tech sta used the equipment to

create a makeshift trading oor.

Two weeks after moving into the

temporary oce, we had coun-

selors on the oor. We were go-

ing to group sessions and indi-

vidual therapy. Only a few peoplecouldnt come back to work. For

them, it was and remains a great

diculty.

But the rest of us managed to

help each other to recover. On

any given day, Susie would break

down, and ve or six people in

her immediate area would come

to her area and say, Thats OK,

Susie, were here together, and

then the next day it would be

Harry who would break down,

and Susie would now be one of

the ones doing the comforting.

So we all went on never know-

ing when that emotion was going

to hit us or who it was going to

hit next. And we did it together

much easier than trying to do

it alone.

..................................

THEAFTERMATH

For the next ve years, until his

retirement in August 2006, Brian

served as president of The Euro

Brokers Relief Fund, a publiccharity that continues to nan-

cially support the families of his

companys 61 victims.

Brian currently serves as presi-

dent of the deacons at The

Wycko Reformed Church and is

on the Board of Trustees at New

Brunswick Theological Seminary,

where he also chairs the Invest-

ment Advisory Council. In addi-

tion, he is on the

Board of Governors of Op

nity International (http:/

opportunity.org), a global

prise that provides micro

ness loans to the poorest

poor in 29 developing cou

In 2004, Brian was the r

ent of the Norman Vincent

Award for Positive Thinking

Brian Clarkwas hired in 1973 as the 10th employeEuro Brokers in Toronto and rose to become their executive

president one year later when they relocated to New York C

On September 11, 2001, Brian was on the 84th oor of the W

Trade Centers South Tower when the second airplane slam

into the building six oors below him. Brian is one of only

survivors above the planes point of impact from either towe

the rest ofus managed tohelp each otherto recover.



18/20

was on the bus when

I saw smoke pouring

out of the buildings,

and I just remember seeing

this ve-story hole. I imme-

diately called the Help Line at

work and a man named Calvin

Dawson answered. He said he

was told it was a small six-

man plane that hit the other

building. At that point, I was

just in shock, and then think-

ing that the top of the build-

ing could fall over, it was too

much. I started screaming at

the top of my lungs on this

bus that it was no small plane

and they should all get out of

there. Then we got discon-

nected. My cell phone no lon-

ger worked...

I

Having been an EMT, I thought I

could help and I walked towards

the Trade Centers. No one could

get too close as it was blocked

o. Were standing there, and I

remember looking up and seeing

smoke coming out of the second

building and that another plane

had hit, and then all of a sudden,

the top of the second tower start-

ed to fall, and we started running

away, and thats when I really felt

fear, when I thought this building

was literally going to just collapse

on top of me.

None of the other fear in my life

came to the extent of this. The

ash just overtook us tumultuousdust and cement and asbestos

and burning esh, and you were

inhaling it, not able to breathe. It

was pitch black, and you couldnt

see your hand in front of you.

People were walking the streets,

crying, covered in gray toxic ash,

everyone was scared to death. I

was crawling on the sidewalk,

thinking, Oh, my God, theyre

going nd my body and tell my

mother, Your daughter died

on the streets of New York. So

many thoughts go through your

mind. It dawned on me I was on a

sidewalk in NYC and within feet of

me should be a door of a build-

ing. I realized I had to get inside

and out of the dust for clean air.

I heard another person crawling

and whimpering and knew we hadto get up. I said, Come with me,

to this man next to me, and I was

holding this complete strangers

hand, and Im dragging him with

me. Were both nervous, scared,

but it helped me to have another

person there and to be nurturing,

worrying more about him than

just me, to just focus on his fear

instead of mine for a minute.

It stopped me worrying about

my own life, and I thought, Ive

got to help this other person,

because he was whimpering and

crying. Even though I dont have

kids, I went into a protective, nur-

turing mode, and it took my mind

o of my own personal predica-

ment. I felt stronger and some-

how, things started making sense

in my head. The dust was making

it impossible to see so I decided

to follow the sound of breaking

glass not knowing whether it was

an explosion or going to lead

to safety. Someone had broken

open a window as several doorson nearby buildings that we felt

for were locked. We both jumped

through.

While on that sidewalk, I re-

member feeling that I got a little

strength from the thought that

my grandparents, and my father

who had already passed on, were

saying to me, Get up! You cant

die on the sidewalk! Even just

the touch of another human be-

ing gave me courage to say, Im

just not ready to die. Its not my

time. My life cant be over yet.

Something just kicked in.

..................................

NOT TRAINEDFOR THIS

I remember I had a lot of survi-

vor guilt. I kept thinking, Why

am I alive and theyre dead?

Why was my friend up there? It

didnt make any sense to me. The

death. The destruction.

co-workers, some of them

friends. We were suppos

launch new software that

ing, and one of the guys wh

had a baby said, You don

to come in. My kid gets m

Ill be here at 7 a.m. On M

night, I watched the Giants

ball game to the end. It we

ally late, so when my alarm

o the next morning and

rushing to take the earlie

I thought, Oh, others are

anyway. I dont have to ru

sleep in a bit more. So I di

and thats probably what

up saving my life.

I dont know if you ever

sense of something like

Over time, you learn to

it, but Im not sure it ev

tally goes away. There are

when Ill get emotional a

and days where I can talk

it like it happened to som

else, but I dont think your

really over it. To this day,

an emotional attachment th

not sure will ever go away.

that by the end of August th

mid-September, Im som

depressed every year. Las

was the rst time I went

during that time to Italy, a

the 11th, I hoped that being

would help, but it didnt. I

up crying about it and wa

ancholy the whole day. No where you are in the worl

day has a certain meanin

I think its just somethin

Ill live with the rest of my

was such emotional turmo

so tragic. I wasnt trained

in the front line of war lik

diers are, and even soldier

go to war, no matter how



19/20

ou try to train them, come back

aumatized. I dont have anxiety

ound it, theres just a sadness.

................................

YOURE YOUROWN BESTFRIEND

ve always gotten support from

y family and friends, no mat-

r how traumatic the situation,

ut more than that, I got cour-

ge from my own inner strength.

here were weeks on end where

I didnt get up and go to work,

ay in bed and cried. But slowly,

ou get back to real life, and

ver time, you get stronger. It

ame from inside myself, and

though it took some time, I

arted to feel like I could over-

ome, that I could tune in to my

wn inner strength and that it

ould get me through.

oure your own best friend, and

oure the only person you can

ly on 24/7. Even though some-

ne else can talk to you, the truth

, sometimes you just have to

o through the things you have

go through. Everyone grieves

erently, and youve got to nd

our own way of getting through

Personally, and I believe this

as true even before 9/11, I re-

ly needed to embrace the pain

f life and feel it to my

ore, like when my grandmother

died in my arms. I believe you

have to embrace the pain, make

ove to the pain and that will get

ou through the pain. I cried ev-

ery night for about a year after

my grandmother passed, and

nally one morning I awoke real-

izing I didnt cry last night so I

must nally be starting to heal. I

still cried for a while but on and

o as time passed, it got better.

I embraced my pain, forcing my-

self to do things and go out, and

at some point, it starts picking up

little by little. I dont believe in

trying to numb that pain. I think

that just prolongs the agony. I

nd the more I really let myself

feel it, the better it gets and the

less time it takes to get through

it. I feel that thats more realistic,

not courageous. Whats workedfor me is to look it straight in

the eye and say, Yes, Im feeling

pain. Lying in bed, wallowing in

it and really looking at it directly

helped me get over it, although

the transition was slow. But then

its two steps forward, one step

back the entire way. The rst an-

niversary was the most dicult.

It was like I had climbed 12 steps

up the healing ladder only to fall

back down eleven of them.

..................................

SHARINGGRIEF

I created a memorial website,which turned into a memorial

book, and I think that hearing

other peoples grief and talking

to them about it was therapeu-

tic, in a way. Sharing grief with

people at the company was help-

ful too, because although every-

bodys story was so incredibly

dierent, whether you were up-

stairs, downstairs, outside, in-

side, you ran down the stairs or

you ran when the building was

falling, it brought us together.

To be honest, those are the only

people who truly understand how

it aected my life that day.

..................................

KarenPreziosi worked asthe Vice President of infor-

mation technology, nancialand business software for

Maxcor / Euro Brokers Inc.,

located in 2 World Trade

Center. The September 11,

2001, attacks claimed the

lives of 61 of the companys

employees. Karen volun-

teered to raise money for

relief funds that stemmed

from the tragedy and also

produced a Euro Brokers

memorial website for her

lost friends and colleagues,

which helped publish a re-

membrance book for the

families and friends on therst anniversary. Now Karen

works in the voice brokering

division for BGC Partners.

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20/20

I HAVE NO COMPETITION AND NO RIVALS.

EVERYBODYS GOT THEIR OWN PACE, THEIR OWN

TRIP. I DONT TRY TO KEEP UP. IF YOU DONT TRY AND

KEEP UP, YOU JUST SOUND LIKE YOURSELF, WHICH

SHOULD SOUND LIKE THE MOMENT.

Grace Jones

fear.less

Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010

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Transcript of Fear.less Magazine SEPTEMBER 2010