FBPC Presentation Handout PPT-- Forgiveness in Counseling
Transcript of FBPC Presentation Handout PPT-- Forgiveness in Counseling
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Using Forgiveness in the Counseling Process Virginia T. Holeman, PhD Professor Counseling Asbury Theological Seminary
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Research based approach
Evere% Worthington, Jr. REACH model of forgiveness
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Transgression
Perception of Offense and Hurt
Hot Emotions – Anger & Fear
Rumination
Unforgiveness
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Unforgiveness is…. • Unforgiveness is defined as delayed emo@ons involving resentment, biBerness, residual anger, residual fear, hatred, hos@lity, and stress, which mo@vate people to reduce the unforgiveness
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Unforgiveness • 2 paths: hold a grudge or forgive
• magnitude gap • myth of pure evil • grudge benefits
• Unforgiveness as condi@oned fear -‐ “hurt” • freeze, ignite stress system, react • amygdala’s emo@onal hi-‐jacking of the brain over @me
• Unforgiveness as anger • “Unfair” • Fundamental aBribu@on error
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Some ways we try to reduce unforgiveness • Revenge • Seeing jus@ce done • Forbearing • Accep@ng the transgression • Forgiving
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Myths
• Forgiveness wipes out the fact of wrong having been done.
• Forgiveness means I forgo punishment altogether.
• True forgiveness means I will never have pain about this event again.
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Myths
• Either I have or have not forgiven. • Repentance must precede forgiveness.
• Forgiveness always follow repentance.
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Myths
• ReconciliaDon and relaDonship restoraDon are inevitable once repentance and forgiveness occur.
• Its easy to rebuild a fractured relaDonship.
• All offenses are the same.
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Misconceptions • Forgiveness IS NOT
• Reconcilia@on. • ForgePng. • Excusing. • Smothering a conflict. • Denying the facts. • Minimizing the event.
• Pseudoforgiveness • Priva@za@on of forgiveness
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REACHing for Forgiveness Worthington Model
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Forgiveness is… • Replacing the hot emo@ons of anger or fear following a perceived hurt or offense
• Challenging the resenWul & biBer rumina@ons • With posi@ve emo@ons such as agape love, empathy, & compassion.
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Forgiveness is… • Balancing jus@ce and mercy
• Jus@ce demands “what’s righWully mine.” • Mercy priori@zes the future rela@onship over my present “rights.”
• Gen. 37-‐50 • Keeping a pathway to my heart open. • Luke 15
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REACHing For
Forgiveness
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Recall the hurt
Empathize
Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness
Commit Publicly to Forgive
Hold onto Forgiveness
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Recall the hurt
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Recalling the Hurt
• Not all hurts are alike • Avoid, deny, retaliate, revenge • Take every thought cap@ve! • Recall objec@vely and with empathy
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Recall the hurt Empathize
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Empathy
• Levels of empathy • Understand from other’s point of view • Iden@fy emo@onally with the other • Feel compassionate as well as emo@onal iden@fica@on
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Empathy • To feel for another
• To see the other and yourself through a different pair of eyes
• Fundamental aBribu@on error • Recognize how you contribute to the rela@onship pain
• Develop compassion for the other through the power of the Spirit
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Have this mind…..
• Hard emo@ons hide sod emo@ons • People are influenced by situa@ons • People are reac@ve when they feel threatened.
• Peoples past condi@on automatic reac@ons [knee jerk reac@ons].
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Reframing • Wrongdoer is viewed in a broader context -‐ a more complete picture • Mo@va@on & Personality • History
• A way of separa@ng the wrong doer from the wrong • A human being, not the epitome of evil
• “Aha” or inten@onal cogni@ve shid by seeing yourself differently too
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Empathy Exercises
• Write a leBer as if you were the person who hurt you. Explain the offender’s mo@ves, thoughts, & feelings.
• Write a leBer of apology as if you were the offender
• Pray for God’s heart for the person who hurt you.
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Recall the hurt Empathize
Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness
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Why forgive? • Sick & @red of being sick & @red. • Commanded to forgive. • Grows out of love for Jesus and gra@tude for own forgivenness.
• MaBhew 18
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An attitude of humility
• Recall your own salva@on story. • The cross of Christ. • The gid of Christ’s forgiveness.
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Altruistic Gift of Forgiveness
• Guilt • Gra@tude • Gid
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Assignments • Reflect upon your own forgiven-‐ness • Find something from nature that can symbolize that
• Find a stone that represents the weight that you carry because of unforgiveness or unrepentance
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Recall the hurt Empathize
Altruistic Gift Of Forgiveness
Public Commitment to Forgive
Holding onto Forgiveness
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Checking Doubts at the Door • If you see your offender again • If you are reminded about your offense • When you are under stress • When a related date roles around • When life events unfold that are affected
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Holding onto Forgiveness
• Seek reassurance from a friend, spouse, prayer partner
• Use the reminders you have created to help you remember
• Review the steps and repeat as needed
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Holding onto Forgiveness
• Realize that the pain of a remembered hurt is not unforgiveness.
• Don’t dwell on nega@ve emo@ons. • Remind yourself that you have forgiveness the person
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What does it mean? • Rela@onship consequences may be in place
• Remember that reconcilia@on takes two while forgiveness takes only one.
• Holding onto hope for changed rela@onship
• Taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, & ac@ons