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P.O. Box 37Ormond Beach, FL 32175-0037

Telephone ~ 1-888-857-6920Fax ~ 1-386-673-3563

Dear Connecticut Funeral Service Provider:

Your schedule is busy enough without spending valuable time in the classroom completing your continuing education. That is why we set out to create a home-study continuing education course that would be comprehensive but at a very low cost to you.

This 6-hour continuing education course will satisfy all of your continuing education requirements in one convenient, comprehensive home-study book. You can complete all 6 hours for $49.95. We accept all competitors’ price specials and coupons if their price is lower than ours. Simply enclose their coupon with your test and pay that amount, no questions asked. We will not be undersold!

The state of Connecticut accepts all courses approved by the Academy of Professional Funeral Service Practice (APFSP). Our courses are approved by APFSP.

We also offer testing online at www.elitecme.com. Our secure online site offers you the same low cost with an additional benefit of immediately receiving your certificate of completion, as long as you pass the course with at least 75 percent.

Should you have any questions, do not hesitate to contact us at our toll-free number, 1-888-857-6920.

Sincerely,

Christopher CalabucciElite CME, Inc.

Courses approved by the Academy of Professional Funeral Service Practice Provider No.1046.

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The Connecticut Department of Public Health records indicate that your license will need to be renewed. Therefore, you are required to complete 6 hours of continuing education prior to renewing your license. If you do not need all 6 hours, you can complete the courses separately.

After reviewing the material, you must complete the final exam questions located at the end of each chapter and mark your answers on the answer sheet on page 24. Fill out all information on the answer sheet (be sure to fill in your license number) and include payment of $49.95 made payable to Elite CME. As long as you receive a 75 percent or better, you will receive a certificate of completion.

MAIL: You can complete the final exam and mail it to us in the envelope provided. If you have misplaced your envelope, you can mail it to us at:

Elite CME, Inc. • PO Box 37 • Ormond Beach, FL 32175-0037

FAX: For faster service, you can fill in your credit card number and expiration date and fax your test to us at 1-386-673-3563.

ONLINE: For an even more convenient way of completing your CEUs, you can take the test online at www.elitecme.com. Upon passing, you will then be asked to fill in your information and will be able to print out a certificate of completion for your records.

Our website is secured by Thawte. We are rated A+ by the National Better Business Bureau Online Reliability Program.

No problem, we are here to help you. Call us toll-free at 1-888-857-6920, Monday-Friday, 9:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m. Eastern time.

NOTE:The Connecticut Department of Public Health will accept courses approved by the Academy of Professional Funeral Service Practice (APFSP). Listed below are our event approval numbers received from the APFSP for the contents in this course: Event No. 10-1620 - Funeral Services: Interpersonal Skills and Communication (3 hours) Event No. 10-1947 - Dealing with Difficult People and Situations (3 hours)Elite CME’s Academy of Professional Funeral Service Practice provider number is 1046.

bout your CE

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ow do I complete this course?H

ow do I obtain credit for this course and receive my certificate of completion?H

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A Carefully read the instructions below.

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Elite CMETable of Contents

Funeral Services: Interpersonal Skills and Communication(3 CE Hours) ..........................................................................................................Page 1Final Examination Questions ...............................................................................Page 16

Dealing With Difficult People and Situations(3 CE Hours) ..........................................................................................................Page 17Final Examination Questions ...............................................................................Page 23

Final Examination Answer Sheet .........................................................................Page 24

Course Evaluation ................................................................................................Page 25

All Rights Reserved. Materials may not be reproduced without the expressed written permission or consent of Elite CME Inc. The materials presented in this course are meant to provide the consumer with general information on the topics covered. The information provided was prepared by professionals with practical knowledge in the areas cov-ered. It is not meant to provide medical, legal or professional services advice. If necessary, it is recommended that you consult a medical, legal or professional services expert licensed in your state. Elite CME has made all reasonable efforts to ensure that all content provided in this course is accurate and up to date at the time of printing.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

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CHAPTER 1

FUNERAL SERVICES: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS AND COMMUNICATION

(3 CE Hours)

Learning objectivesBe able to discuss and respond to the grieving process in ways !

that assist the bereaved.Develop strategies and skills that enhance interpersonal !

communications.Be familiar with the consumer information provided by the !

Federal Trade Commission in “Funerals, A Consumer Guide.”

IntroductionAs a funeral director or funeral home staff-member, you are accustomed to encountering grieving people in the course of your work, and know that a career in funeral services demands considerable skill in interpersonal relations, including many of the same skills required of counselors and therapists, who also commonly work with individuals or families in emotional pain. Like these professionals, you can help the bereaved by providing insight into the grieving process, discouraging denial or avoidance patterns, and encouraging ways to work through the painful process in an emotionally healthy way.

Effective interpersonal skills are an essential part of funeral service practice, and many of these skills can be learned. Because much of your job relates to caring for the living as well as the deceased, this guide should help you assist the bereaved in a caring and comforting manner, and make helpful interpersonal relationships an important objective of your business practices. Grief is a natural response to the death of a loved one, and understanding something about the grieving process will make you better able to assist and comfort the bereaved. The following chapter provides practical skills and principles for funeral home staff members that are drawn from clinical thanatology, the study of the effects of death and dying.

This course has three main parts. The first will help you understand the grieving process, while the second will acquaint you with communication skills and useful methods for working with and assisting the bereaved. The final section is a consumer guide published by the Federal Trade Commission, meant to acquaint the consumer with funeral products, services, and pricing. Making this information available to the bereaved will make them more knowledgeable and sure of themselves in an environment they are not accustomed to. It also reviews legal qualifications regarding pricing and services of which you should be aware.

Part I: The grieving processThe bereaved may react one of two ways to loss: They may attempt to avoid the emotional pain or choose to experience it. Many things, including the circumstance of the death, the relationship of the bereaved to the deceased, and the situation in which the survivors find themselves, influence the intensity of the pain experienced by the bereaved, as well as the way that individual responds to the death. Grief can be very painful, even unbearable, to the individual experiencing it, who may feel this way for some length of time. Generally experienced as a combination of many different emotions that ebb and flow over time, grief can be incapacitating to an individual, making it even more difficult for the bereaved to attend to the necessary functions surrounding a loved one’s death.

It is commonly held that there is a standard process of grieving, in which the individual will feel shock, denial, anger, guilt, depression, and finally, acceptance and growth.1 Realize that not all individuals

feel each emotional stage, or feel the stages in this order, and many feel a combination of feelings at once. Each individual responds to the loss of death differently and adjusts in a unique way, according to his or her own widely varying timetable. Individuals may grieve for months and even years. Eventually, over time, the pain of that grief begins to subside, although it may never disappear.

Common symptoms of griefShock/numbness/denial/disbelief: Especially in cases of sudden death, the bereaved may initially feel shock or numbness. Family members may have trouble accepting the finality of death. An individual’s mind may approach and retreat from the reality of death many times as he or she tries to integrate it into their psychological processes. Shock and/or denial may manifest themselves in a feeling of disbelief about the death, in which the individual refuses or is unable to adjust to the immediate loss, assuming the individual will return to their lives and life will go on unchanged. In some cases, the individual appears to function normally, feeling little emotion of any kind. The bereaved may describe feeling as if they are experiencing a bad dream from which they cannot wake. Grieving friends and family members may experience unusual, or a lack of, physical sensations, such as hunger.

Aggression/anger/resentment/rage: Anger or resentment may be targeted at the deceased for leaving, at the medical team for not “doing enough,” at family members for not recognizing the severity of an illness, or even at the funeral parlor staff, simply because they are at the right place at the right time to absorb emotional outbursts from the bereaved. Explosive emotions, like anger, hate, resentment, rage, or jealousy, which can be upsetting to individuals around the mourner, often mask feelings of pain, frustration, helplessness, fear, and hurt. Aggression and resentment may manifest themselves outwardly, in angry demonstrations aimed at God, friends, family, or funeral home staff members, as well as inwardly. Mourners expressing their anger inwardly may show symptoms of depression, guilt, low self-esteem, and physical distress or pain, as well as agitation and restlessness.

Guilt/regret/remorse/blame: Blaming oneself or feeling guilt is a common feature of grieving. The bereaved may experience feelings of regret or guilt regarding the way he or she acted, or did not act, toward the deceased when that person was alive. The bereaved might believe that he/she would have acted very differently or said something significant if only he/she had known death was imminent. Mourners may also feel guilty that they were not with the deceased when he/she needed them, or at the point of death, with the mourner feeling he/she could have done something or changed the outcome if he/she had been there. Guilt, like anger, can be expressed inwardly or outwardly, at other members of the family, friends, or staff members.

Guilt may manifest itself in statements starting, “If only I had…” or “Why didn’t I …” in which the bereaved wishes he/she had taken care of some unfinished emotional business relating to the deceased. This expression of guilt is not rational or logical, but a normal part of the recuperative process. One particular manifestation of guilt known as “survivor guilt” is demonstrated in the individual who asks, “Why did they die, and I survive?”

Mourners may feel guilt associated with a conscious or unconscious wish for the deceased’s death, in the case, for example, of a long, painful illness, where the person’s death is finally met with some sense of relief, or in situations in which the bereaved will no longer need to put up with antagonistic or unpleasant character traits exhibited by the deceased. The mourner may also experience guilt as he/she begins to recuperate from the grieving process; the mourner

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may feel he/she is betraying the deceased individual by once again taking pleasure in the joys of living.

Sadness/depression/loneliness/loss/emptiness: Sadness is the emotion most commonly associated with death. Survivors may feel they have been abandoned, left alone to struggle with an insurmountable situation. Feelings of hopelessness may appear after the initial shock, numbness, or anger of loss have passed. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, or hopelessness can be physically and emotionally draining, leaving the bereaved ill-prepared to take on the responsibilities required of them regarding preparation for the funeral. The individual may feel he or she can do nothing but cry or think about the loss incessantly.

Feelings of sadness and loss are often the most difficult for the griever, in part because these feelings do not happen all at once, but keep recurring after weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes friends and family members try to “distract” the bereaved from their feelings of sadness or loneliness; this behavior or strategy should be discouraged. It is not uncommon for feelings of intense sadness to recur when the individual is reminded of his/her loss; at night, during holidays, or on arrival to an empty house.

Shame/fear/anxiety/panic: Feelings of fear or anxiety are also typical of the grieving process. Survivors may question their ability to live without the deceased, and wonder about the purpose or meaning of their lives. Death tends to rob individuals of their security, provoking feelings of panic, intense fear, or “going crazy.” A loved one’s death can bring one face-to-face with many fears of the future, of one’s own mortality, of other deaths and vulnerabilities. The bereaved may feel overwhelmed by emotional and economic stresses, including the worry and burden of becoming dependent on others.

Disorganization/confusion/yearning: The bereaved may have difficulty discerning what behavior is normal or abnormal during this phase of grieving. As the unconscious mind attempts to make order out of the confusion and pain of death, the bereaved may dream of the deceased, or believe that he or she hears or sees the deceased, with visual and auditory hallucinations not unusual or abnormal. This stage is often accompanied by difficulty sleeping, eating, waking up, and/or carrying out necessary tasks. The bereaved may take little or no pleasure in normally pleasurable things, and may feel more or less disoriented at a certain time of day or night. Thoughts may be disjointed or erratic, and the individual may be unable to finish tasks he/she has begun. Instead, he/she may feel a sense of agitation, restlessness, or impatience, taking some period of time before they are emotionally “normalized.”

Acceptance relief /resolution/reconciliation: Acceptance, relief, and recovery result only after time and the experience of mourning. The bereaved individual acknowledges the loss has occurred and the deceased will not be a part of his/her future. He/she accepts that life will go on, but it will be a changed life. For some, it is a period of personal growth. The bereaved may learn to participate in new activities or projects, with new friends. Acceptance may be accompanied by an enhanced ability to focus outside oneself, empathizing with others who have experienced loss. The individual may discover or rediscover independence, new abilities, or emotional resources previously unknown.

While reconciliation marks a return to “normal life,” it should be understood as a different life than the one prior to the death. The experience of grief changes a person, and while we do not completely “get over” the death of a close loved one, reconciliation describes the bereaved’s capacity to become involved again in life’s activities as healing takes place. Little by little, the intense pangs of

loss becomes less severe and shorter in duration, with the bereaved feeling a renewed sense of purpose and energy, and an interest in daily activities and work.

It is important to point out that each individual responds differently to death and that each death is unique. Not only do people mourn in different ways, but a range of other variables influence how each person will respond to the death of someone close to them. Each individual’s personality, the nature of the relationship between the two people, the manner in which death occurred, the support system surrounding the bereaved, and his/her ability to take advantage of the support network all shape the mourning experience. Because of this, in assisting the bereaved, it is sometimes useful to learn:

The nature of the relationship that existed between the grieving �

individual and the deceased.The function and importance of the deceased in the grieving �

person’s life.The degree of depth or attachment of the bereaved to the deceased. �The deceased’s personality. �

What role the deceased played within the family. �

The circumstances surrounding the death. �

Knowing the age of the person who died, and whether the death was expected or sudden, for example, may play an important role in shaping the survivors’ grief.

Our culture tends to be impatient with the grieving process. How long does grief last? When will this be over? These are questions we have all heard and asked. We are encouraged to “get back to normal” as soon as possible; to put grieving behind us or overcome, rather than experience, the grief. Instead of expressing the tears, hurt, and fear associated with the loss, we are commended for staying under control, keeping the pain hidden. By discouraging grieving, both in spoken and unspoken ways, we fail to support the bereaved.

Avoiding griefGiven the intense pain of grief, it is easy to understand why some individuals try to avoid or “get over” the loss by denying the pain. Unfortunately, when these emotions are not experienced, the individual may not be able to put the pain of their loss behind them. Only by understanding and experiencing these emotions can the bereaved work through his/her pain, toward recovery from the loss. While sometimes a slow, painful process, grief must be experienced, in all its emotional manifestations, before the individual can move on. Grief that is ignored or avoided tends to manifest itself in other damaging or detrimental ways. Suppressed grief may manifest itself as agitation, inability to concentrate, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and physical ailments, and can negatively influence relationships with family members and friends.

Reasons for avoiding grief are numerous and varied. Some individuals are averse to expressing pain or any intense feeling; others may be unable to tolerate the lack of control that accompanies grieving; others may have a network of friends or family members who discourage the expression of grief. While it is now commonly held that the bereaved should be encouraged to share their grief with those around them, there may still be family members or friends of the bereaved who prefer not to mourn in any public way. Even well-intentioned individuals may discourage open grieving and stress the importance of self control.

A number of common avoidance patterns follow. It is useful to be aware of these patterns and able to identify them. A bereaved individual may use any combination of strategies to avoid or deny his/her own grief, and this repression is not only destructive to the bereaved, it can also negatively influence those around him/her.

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Delaying: This individual attempts to avoid grief by postponing its expression, thinking it will eventually go away, but it does not. Instead, grief builds up, eventually coming out in any number of ways, sometimes explosively, that may be equally or more detrimental to the individual. The delayer believes that it will be better to experience the pain at some future point, and may distance him/herself from his/her own feelings associated with the loss. The more a person wants to express his/her grief, the greater effort he/she makes to postpone any expression. Delay may be both a conscious or unconscious strategy. “I’ll think about it later,” the individual may say to himself. Society tends to reward the strategy of delay; those around the bereaved may feel he or she has “adjusted quickly” to the situation of loss and is doing well.

Displacing: The displacer shifts the expression of grief away from the loss, in inappropriate or unrelated directions. The individual may complain about other relationships or situations in his/her life, may be in a constant bad mood, or get agitated easily. The displacer may explode at minor events. Usually, the strategy of displacement is an unconscious one. Displacers may be bitter toward life in general. Some turn their bitterness inward, experiencing depression. Displacers may project their unexpressed unhappiness to others around them, finding interactions with others unpleasant or overwhelming. By shifting the expression of grief from the loss to a less threatening object, situation, or person, he or she may avoid grief, but find life in general more stressful and unhappy.

Replacing: Replacers fill the void in their lives that occurs with loss with a new relationship or involvement. Those around the bereaved may express surprise that the individual can “move on” so soon after their loss, even questioning their feelings about the deceased. Replacers need not always replace the deceased with another relationship. They may also become workaholics, completely married to their jobs, or begin an all-consuming project. Generally an unconscious strategy, replacers use a new relationship or occupation in such a way that no time is available to consider the loss.

Minimizing: The minimizer is typically aware of his/her grief, but attempts to rationalize it away. The minimizer seems to get back to a normal routine fairly quickly, but is repressing feelings related to the loss instead of expressing them. Like the delayer, society assumes minimizers are recovering quickly from their loss. In many cases, the minimizer intellectualizes his/her grief, thinking through it on a conscious level, but not feeling the pain associated with it.

Ailing: The ailing individual is the person who converts the emotional pain of grief into physical symptoms or illness, which may range in degree and duration from relatively minor aches and pains to greatly debilitating disorders. The ailing individual may be encouraged by receiving nurturing and comforting attention from the people around them. They may fear if they express their grief, this comfort would be withdrawn. Playing “sick” is typically an unconscious strategy.

It should also be recognized that a great many people experience real physical ailments or illness during the mourning period. Grieving can negatively influence the immune system, making the individual more susceptible to illness and injury. By no means should you assume that the bereaved is converting all their emotional grief into physical symptoms and ignore real symptoms of illness.

Part II: Skills for assisting the bereavedIn a funeral home, you are exposed to a wide range of emotional states. Your ability to empathize with the bereaved is essential to helping them. Sensitivity to their feelings during this difficult time is crucial, as they may be feeling emotionally overwhelmed. How you respond will

determine whether they find you helpful and informative, or intrusive and pushy. It is key that you understand and accept the bereaved’s feelings, without judgment or criticism. This means:

Everyone has a right to his or her feelings.1. Feelings are neither good nor bad.2. Feelings are always understandable within an appropriate context.3. Feelings, in themselves, are not dangerous or wrong.4.

Some funeral directors seem to be natural helpers. In many cases, they have developed these useful qualities over a period of many years. Some of these helpful characteristics are:

Empathy: � Conveying accurate empathy is vital to the helping role. This individual has the ability to understand the essence of the bereaved’s emotional distress – the ability to focus on the feelings expressed by this individual and communicate that perception back to them. It is not merely saying “I understand how you feel,” but also conveying deep emotional understanding.Respect: � It is a non-possessive concern for others, and the sincere belief that other people know best what is best for them, rather than you. This means accepting the other individual’s feelings and opinions, including the ways they are different from you and disagree with you. This is conveyed to the deceased’s family when they feel they are able to make decisions without pressure from the staff, and demonstrated sensitivity for the family’s feelings and beliefs. Compassion: � The ability to express friendly verbal and nonverbal behaviors. Compassion is the ability to communicate warmth and concern, providing a supportive and appropriate intimacy during the family’s time of crisis. Compassion may be communicated in a caring touch and the ability to communicate caring instincts through eye contact, posture and physical presence, use of gestures, or tone of voice.Sincerity: � The ability to present oneself honestly, without being phony, defensive, or artificial, disclosing your true feelings or opinion when necessary. Sincerity should go hand-in-hand with good timing, as disclosing how you feel at an inopportune moment may negatively influence or otherwise interfere with your clients’ ability to make a decision. Always explore the family’s sentiments and opinions before you disclose your own. Also be sure you are nonjudgmental in your responses and provide your opinion only when it is useful and helpful to do so.

It is useful to consider four levels of helping abilities or characteristics; harmful, neutral, helpful, and very helpful. At the harmful level, there is no evidence of these helping characteristics and the individual communicates a lack of concern for the bereaved. The neutral level also shows little or no evidence of helping characteristics. At the helpful level, the other individual feels a sense of understanding, warmth, or support from the interaction. At the very helpful level, the individual conveys even greater empathy, compassion, respect, and sincerity in his/her interactions with the bereaved.

Handling difficult situations authentically and compassionately means being available to people in pain. In doing so, the individual focuses on others’ needs, understanding what the deceased’s family is going through and how best to help. The helping relationship is open and trusting, and can be understood as a multi-phase process. In the first phase, the family typically contacts the funeral home and informs you that a family member has died. In the next phase, you express an interest in assisting the family, discuss with them what needs to be done, and answer any questions they have. After listening carefully to family members, you present any options in services or products that are appropriate.

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The family will come to certain conclusions about the kind of funeral service that best fits their needs and preferences and conduct a service that conforms to their wishes. You may also bring specific helping resources to the family members in this phase, assisting them in gaining a sense of closure and relief through the funeral service. In the final phase or phases, you may follow a structured post-funeral program, offering additional help and informational resources to family members, referring them, if necessary, to further resources or help, through counseling or community services. Through this multi-phase process, a helping relationship develops between the deceased’s family and the funeral home staff, and appropriate funeral alternatives are presented and chosen. Then, the funeral is complete, and post-funeral follow-up services are provided.

In dealing with the bereaved, remember to:Listen sympathetically and patiently: The willingness to listen �

is a significant way to help. Ask about the deceased, and allow the bereaved to talk freely, letting them recount happy, or even unhappy, memories. Know that you do not need to provide any specific answer or advice. Simply let them express themselves.Reassure the individual that whatever he or she is feeling is not �

unusual and is appropriate. Also reassure the bereaved that they will recover from the loss in time.Be available: Make yourself available to the bereaved, giving �

them time as well as attention. Communicate your concern in writing: Sympathy or condolence �

cards can have great value and significance to the bereaved. Be encouraging and speak from the heart. Notify the bereaved that you are thinking of them on holidays, the anniversary of the death, or other occasions that are particularly sad or stressful, with sympathy and support.Take the initiative: Go out of your way to relieve the bereaved’s �

burden or suffering.Be hospitable and compassionate. �

Be patient and understanding: Sometimes this means taking all �

that is said with a grain of salt. If emotional or angry outbursts are inappropriately directed at you, take an extra breath and respond patiently, without anger or irritation.

Help the bereaved by encouraging them to:Feel the depths of their pain, which may ebb and flow over time. �

Talk about their feelings, especially their sorrow. The bereaved �should feel comfortable expressing their sorrow, in tears or words. Articulating the loss is an important part of working through it. While you may not know specifically how to respond to their expressed sorrow, you can help by allowing them to discuss their feelings without changing the subject or cutting them off. Forgive themselves for anything said or done, or left unsaid or �

undone, with the deceased. For example, the individual should be encouraged to forgive him/herself for any expression of emotion, anger, embarrassment, or guilt, among other feelings that he or she may consider undesirable or unattractive in retrospect.Take care of their physical self: Grief can be overwhelming �

and exhausting. It is not uncommon for the immune system to become more vulnerable or susceptible to illness during the grieving period. Acute grief may be accompanied by physiological changes such as shortness of breath, lack of energy, tightness in the chest or heart palpitations, difficulty sleeping, headaches, or a range of other physical symptoms. These symptoms are usually short-lived. In some cases, the mourner will feel unwell, or physically sick when he/she is not encouraged or given permission to mourn by the people around him/her. Instead “sickness” becomes the only way he/she can express the grief of loss.

Eat appropriately: The bereaved may not feel hungry or thirsty, �

and may forget to eat or drink appropriately. It is important than the individual pays attention to his/her physical health at a time when emotional strength is at a minimum. While exercise may be the last thing the bereaved feels like doing, exercising, or just doing something active, like taking a walk, for example, can relieve or refresh the grieving individual enormously. Treat themselves well, including comforting or indulging �

themselves if they have the opportunity. Treating yourself well may include taking naps, listening to music, or reading good books, if you have the concentration and inclination. Doing something you might otherwise consider frivolous, like taking a bubble bath or getting a pedicure, can be a good way to feel a respite from your pain.Be aware that special days, such as holidays, birthdays, or �anniversaries, can be particularly painful to the bereaved, even making the bereaved feel he or she is reliving the experience of the deceased’s death. Inform the bereaved that he/she may not wish to be alone on these occasions, or may choose to celebrate the holiday or anniversary of the death in a specific manner. Marking these dates with special ceremonies or sharing time with friends and relatives may be important for emotional recuperation. Not face the loss alone. In one sense, we are all emotionally �

alone or isolated by death and the process of grieving. Bereavement groups can reinforce the commonality of the grieving experience and help alleviate feelings of isolation that occur with death. Sharing the feelings of grief with friends, relatives, or new acquaintances, in the case of support groups, can provide an important network from which the bereaved can draw strength. In some cases, the individual may choose to engage in therapy or discussions with a counselor or therapist who can provide personal and appropriate attention. If you believe the individual is in danger due to substance abuse, depression, or neglect of themselves, suggest to the individual or his/her family members that the person may be in need of professional help to assist them in the grieving process.

Learning to listenIn active listening, you give the individual or family your full attention, both in regard to verbal and non-verbal communication. Apply these principles of active listening to increase the accuracy and reliability of shared information:

Don’t “multitask” when you speak with a client, in person or on �

the phone, or let competing business matters, calls, paperwork, or other aspects of your work keep you from listening attentively to what a family member has to say. Give family members adequate time to contemplate your questions �and consider their answers. Never interrupt or rush a response. Paraphrase the family member’s response. Accurately restating �

his/her comments in your own words is a way to confirm that you interpreted the statement correctly. Address any inconsistencies or misunderstandings and clarify �

ambiguities.Summarize what you have heard, reviewing the most significant �

points and relevant implications.

Be available to the bereaved, remembering each individual’s experience of grief is unique and should be heard. Good listeners share a number of common characteristics: First, they have the sincere desire to be a good listener; they aren’t “faking” an interest. Second, they are committed to hearing what you have to say. Third, they are patient. Once a good listener has decided to get involved, he or she takes the time necessary to listen, without hurrying the bereaved, or interrupting repeatedly. If you’re anxious or rushed, you

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will probably be a poor listener. Be sure that if you are not able to talk at a particular moment, you communicate this to the bereaved, and immediately set up a better time to talk.

One important aspect of being patient is learning that you do not need to fill every silent moment with words. Sometimes, at these moments, it is best to remind yourself that you do not have to keep the conversation “going.” Instead, allow the individual to whom you are listening to use the quiet time to consider or reflect upon what he or she has said. Remember, there is a right time for talking and a right time for listening.

Active listening requires specific listening behaviors, which enhance your ability to focus in and respond to what is being communicated, both by verbal and nonverbal means. Develop these listening or attending skills that help convey your interest in hearing what the person has to tell you. Each of these characteristics can influence your listening and communicating ability both negatively and positively.

Negative NonverbalCommunication

Positive

Discourages communication

Encourages communication

Staring; shifting gaze Eye contact Appropriate eyecontact

Does not match emotional expression and tone of speaker; cold; detached

Facial expression Matches emotional expression and tone of speaker; compassionate; warm

Too loud; too soft; speaks into hand, mumbles; cold; clinical

Tone of voice Matches emotional tone of speaker and situation, speaks clearly; compassionate; warm

Does not speak at conversational pace; too fast; too slow; sounds nervous or uncomfortable; may sound impatient

Speaking rate Speaks at a natural, deliberate pace

Tense, jerky, or distracting movements that don’t facilitate communication

Gestures Natural, appropriate movements

Dressed inappropriately, disheveled

Appearance Cool, collected, professional

Crowds speaker, or sits too far away

Personal space Maintains appropriate (arm’s length) distance

Leans or turns away from speaker; uncomfortable

Physical bearing Leans toward speaker; relaxed

Sleepy; lethargic; has trouble concentrating

Energy level Alert and attentive throughout interaction

Frequent interruptions and distractions, noisy

Environment Quiet, private, uninterrupted

Keeps people waiting; does not give them adequate amount of time

Use of time Schedules appropriate amount of time at the family’s convenience; meets on time

Eye contact: Eye contact is perhaps the most effective way to communicate your interest and concern. Attending to the individual or family means meeting their gaze, and looking them in the eye, without staring. Practice looking into the eyes of the individual to whom you are listening, especially when he or she is speaking, but also when they are silent. Appropriate eye contact makes the individual feel more comfortable and included in the conversation.

Facial expression: Your facial expression should approximate the emotional expression or tone of the situation and those around you. Facial expressions can easily and quickly communicate compassion or warmth, and send a message of understanding and empathy to the bereaved. Take notice of your facial expressions. Are you sending the message you want to convey?

Tone of voice and speaking rate: Your tone of voice should also approximate the emotional expression or tone of the situation of those around you. The tone should be calm and soothing, conveying assurance and authority. The speaking rate should be neither too fast nor too slow, and well paced.

Gestures: Gestures should be natural and not distract from your verbal message. Do they help send the message you want to convey?

Personal space: An appropriate amount of physical space should exist between you and the speaker. Use the other person’s responses to the distance between you as a guide. If they move or pull back, you may be crowding them. While different cultures vary considerably in this detail, it is common, in this country, for individuals to communicate at a distance of about three feet from one another – a little over an arm’s length. Think about ease of conversation when you choose a seat in the room with the bereaved, to ensure that you will be able to speak and listen effectively and comfortably.

Physical bearing: We communicate a great deal through our posture. Our physical bearing can show that we’re fatigued or nervous, or alternatively, express our interest in what the speaker is saying. Leaning slightly toward the speaker communicates a willingness to help.

Environment: The setting in which you communicate with the bereaved individual or family is important. Choose a time and a place where you can give them your undivided attention. Never “multi-task” while someone is speaking. Do not interrupt. If they are in your environment, arrange the furniture to increase comfort and facilitate discussion. Desks and tables should be arranged so they are not barriers to communication. Different families have different ways of communicating; take your cue from them. Some people feel more comfortable speaking around a table.

Consider your own use of these actions and behaviors to determine in which attending behaviors you are skilled and in which you are not. Negative influences tend to feel awkward and discourage conversation, making people feel uncomfortable. If you find yourself unable to focus on the conversation, you will probably notice changes in the individual or family’s behavior in response. They may tune out, assuming you are not sincerely interested in communicating with them, or they may become upset with your inattention and express anger or impatience with you. If the individual or family responds negatively to your attending behavior, find out in which skills you are lacking.

Conversation should ease the individual or family’s emotional burden, and give you and the family members the opportunity to know one another. In many cases, the individual or family members are in the throes of grief. Provide the time, energy, and attention the individual or family members deserve. You can learn a great deal by

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giving the person or family the time to talk about what they consider important, without a lot of interruptions or questions.

Rate your own and your colleagues’ skills in regards to the following helpful or active listening behaviors. Notice how more skilled individuals are better able to guide the helping relationship.

-1 = negative influence 0 = neutral influence +1 =positive influence

RatingEye contactFacial expressionTone of voiceSpeaking rateGesturesAppearancePersonal spacePhysical bearingEnergy level

In providing useful feedback to colleagues, remember:Feedback should describe, not judge. �

Feedback should be specific in nature. �

Feedback should be compassionate. �

Feedback should be directed toward behavior that can be changed. �

Helping statementsActive listening requires some degree of appropriate vocalization. Clarification, restatement and summary are active listening methods in which the listener confirms the essence of the speaker’s communication. In restating, or paraphrasing, the listener repeats the speaker’s basic message, although in different (and preferably fewer) words. Once you have tested your understanding of what the speaker has said by restating it in different words, the speaker is able to correct any misinterpretations on your part, further clarifying their essential message. Each time the listener reflects the message he or she has heard by restating it, he or she has also communicated to the speaker his or her concern and interest in what the speaker has to say.

The value of paraphrasing is its ability to confirm what you think is being said and communicate that understanding back to the speaker. The process works best when the listener simply restates, rather than interprets, the speaker’s basic message. If you find yourself adding information to the message, you may be projecting, or introducing your own thought processes into the conversation, which can “muddy up” the message. This complicates communication and is a sign that your interest has shifted away from the bereaved, to yourself. If you feel you are off-track, ask yourself: What is the bereaved saying and feeling right now? Then, when there is a pause in the conversation, state this message. Your listener will confirm the accuracy of your statement, and redirect you, if necessary.

Active listening is a skill that cannot be acquired overnight. It becomes easier to detect natural breaks in the conversation, and paraphrase accurately and concisely over time, with practice. Once you have started using this method, you will find it dramatically enhances your listening abilities and communication skills, overall. Done correctly, it makes the speaker feel he or she is understood and accepted, and allows them to clarify how they think and feel. The speaker feels encouraged to continue, and any misconceptions or miscommunication is corrected almost immediately.

ClarificationA second aspect of active listening is clarification. In clarification, the listener goes beyond simple rephrasing to get a better understanding of the subject matter. In doing so, the listener makes an assumption or educated guess regarding the basic message by stating what he or she believes it to be. This allows the speaker to quickly clear up any uncertainties he or she has with the message. This increases both the speaker’s and the listener’s understanding of the communication and again communicates that you are interested and concerned in what the bereaved has to say.

This is especially useful because grief can complicate communication. The grieving individual may feel confused or disoriented. He or she may be in shock and have difficulty verbalizing his/her thoughts. Conversations may be emotionally charged and confusing. There are a number of ways you can clarify what has been said. If, for example, if you are not able to follow the conversation, state what you think has been said: “I’m not sure if this is what you mean. Let me try to state what I think you are saying.” Then do so, and let the speaker clarify any misconceptions you have. If you are not able to paraphrase what the speaker has said, you might say: “I’m not sure I understand, could you review what you said about [topic]?” Do not be hesitant to ask the speaker to slow down or clarify what he or she is saying. At minimum, you can politely ask the speaker to elaborate on what they are saying, or ask to hear more about a specific topic.

Clarification results in better understanding between the speaker and listener. Clear statements are extracted from the conversation and checked for accuracy, and the speaker is encouraged to continue verbalizing thought and feelings. You can practice clarification anytime someone is speaking in a disorganized or confused fashion, or has gone off on a tangent. At a natural break in the conversation, offer the best statement of clarification you can, and see how accurately you have guessed the message by the feedback you get.

Another aspect of active listening is the reality check. In the reality check, the listener asks the speaker for verification of what has been said in the conversation. A reality check allows the listener to get immediate feedback regarding the accuracy of the message he or she has heard, to verify or nullify what he or she believes the message to be. Some statements that introduce a reality check, are, “Did I hear you correctly…?” “Let me confirm what I think you said....” “Do I have this right…?” In each case, the person to whom you are listening can clarify any confusion in your understanding. These phrases also help the person know immediately that you want to check your perceptions about what you have understood. Again, one of the benefits of the reality check is its ability to clarify what is being said as well as convey to the speaker that he is being understood.

There are some situations in which a funeral director may anticipate the direction of the bereaved’s conversation and make encouraging statements to draw him or her out. This technique is called leading. Depending how it is used, it can either be a helpful method for encouraging the thoughts of the bereaved, or, if misused, can be used by the listener to dominate or direct a conversation.

Encouraging the bereaved to expand or elaborate on a topic or explore his/her feelings further can be liberating to the grieving individual, allowing him/her to focus on what is important to him/her. There are two kinds of leading questions or comments. One is indirect and general. Some examples of indirect leading are: “What else would it be useful for you to talk about?” or, “Do you have any questions for me?” In some cases, simply remaining silent and looking expectantly at the speaker will encourage the individual

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to open up. Direct leading focuses on a specific area of interest. Examples are: “Tell me more about your mother’s interests.” How can we make the music meaningful to your family? “How did you usually spend holidays together?” In direct leading, the speaker experiences your interest and concern, and is gently directed to a specific topic area.

Better questionsAsking good questions is another important component in communicating with the bereaved. In asking good questions, you channel the direction of a conversation, to get specific information or learn more about a subject. Poorly worded questions invite misunderstandings; keep questions specific, direct, and clear. Avoid technical jargon and define any specialized lingo in simple terms to assure your meaning is understood. Ask questions in a logical order, and don’t combine a number of related questions in one sentence; instead, ask one question at a time and clarify each answer before moving on.

Make sure the speaker understands the context of your questions and reasons for asking them so he/she can provide the most specific, relevant information. Evasive, vague, or incomplete responses to sensitive questions can be common and should be reviewed, then clarified as delicately as possible with open-ended or closed-ended questions, as appropriate.

Open-ended questions encourage exploration. They are broad and non-specific, giving the individual freedom to express both the amount and depth of information he/she chooses. Open-ended questions provide an opportunity for skillful funeral directors to learn more about the bereaved and communicate a willingness to listen and help. Open-ended questions help the speaker talk more about what he or she is thinking and feeling. “How have you been?”, “What services are you considering?”, and “Tell me about your general preferences,” for example, are open-ended questions that invite the bereaved to address a topic in their own words and at greater length.

Closed-ended questions tend to emphasize facts over feelings, and elicit shorter, more specific responses, but can risk the possibility of missing significant details about an individual’s thoughts and feelings. Examples of closed-ended questions are: “What is your date of birth?” or “How old was the deceased?” Such questions have their place but tend to demonstrate a lack of interest if they are the only questions asked.

Sometimes it is best to ask general and open-ended questions initially rather than set a precedent of asking many closed-ended questions in a row. “For example, one might ask this open-ended question: “Tell me about your mother’s illness,” rather than asking, “How long was your mother ill?” The first draws the bereaved out, asking him or her to expand in general on thoughts and feelings they consider significant. Using open-ended questions effectively enhances communication and helps the bereaved to “open up” with you. It is a way of assisting the bereaved while conveying respect and understanding.

Questions should be phrased in a neutral or unbiased way to avoid “leading” the speaker in a particular direction. Seemingly minor differences in wording can encourage wildly different responses. Examine your phrasing to avoid any language that might cue the speaker to respond in a particular way, such as suggesting by your words or tone that one answer versus another is right, wrong, or preferred in any way, or expressing a preconceived notion or assumption about the individual. For example, “Are you cold?” is preferable to “You’re not cold, are you?” The second question is more likely to skew the client’s response because it suggests the practitioner’s anticipation or predisposition to hearing a negative response.

When questioning, it is best to match the tone and pace of your voice to the person to whom you are speaking. Speaking too slowly can suggest poor understanding while speaking too fast can suggest a lack of interest or a desire to “get things over with quickly.” Never push or pressure and individual to disclose more than he or she feels is appropriate or comfortable. Some families are more revealing or private than others by nature, and may be more or less comfortable discussing their grief or pain. Consider the content and sensitivity of the questions you ask and evaluate your need for answers.

Pay attention to nonverbal signs and seek clarification if you suspect that you and the client are not “on the same page.” Grief, fatigue, disability, language difficulties, and cultural issues are some of the many factors that complicate communication between the bereaved and funeral home staff. Sometimes the grieving survivors have an initial period of difficulty speaking their mind; they may feel rude, awkward, or vulnerable expressing disagreement or making specific demands, revealing pain or weakness, or effectively communicating their fears, concerns, or needs. Assist the bereaved by asking clear, direct questions that are easy to answer.

Three final related listening skills: reflecting, informing, and summarizing, are worthy of review:

Reflecting involves expressing the essence of the speaker’s �

message in your own, and preferably fewer, words. In reflection, you are encapsulating your understanding of the bereaved’s feelings in a statement and conveying it to him or her. Reflecting communicates your understanding of what the speaker is saying and feeling, emphasizing that you are listening and learning from the speaker. It tells what the speaker has and has not conveyed, and can help clarify vague concepts or misunderstandings. Informing is the process of sharing your expertise and experience �

with the bereaved. It is the step in which you provide necessary information to the bereaved so that he/she will be able to make informed decisions relating to your business. The bereaved often rely on the funeral director to guide them through required decision-making, providing necessary assistance in their time of need. Convey this information in a way that is useful and clear to the bereaved. Funeral directors that are accused of being pushy, difficult, or patronizing may not be delivering their information in the most helpful or friendly way. Informing is also used to explain why specific information is �

needed. When asking for specific information, always explain why it is needed. For example, you may need to ask certain questions in order to fill out the death certificate. Before asking the individual about his/her preferences in caskets or flowers, for example, preface the question by informing the individual about all of the pertinent details he/she needs to make an informed decision, yet without going into needless elaboration. In informing, give the family time to think or work decisions through, as a family. Decision-making is more complicated with more decision-makers. Be sure to offer the family time to consider all their options. It is always useful to ask individual members of the bereaved family if they have any questions you can answer at this time. Summarizing is the method of pulling together a cluster of �feelings and/or ideas regarding the subject matter at the end of a conversation. It communicates the feeling that progress has been made and provides closure to the interaction. Done effectively, it increases the degree of empathy and understanding of one another, and provides the opportunity for further clarification, if necessary.

Summarizing provides a way to demonstrate understanding �of a situation or decisions that have been made. In summarizing, be sure you include any important issues

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and decisions that have been reached in the conversation. Summarize each important point, at a slow enough pace that you can be interrupted and corrected easily if you are mistaken about anything. You may wish to put the summary into writing and provide a copy for the individual making arrangements. In summarizing, preface your statement with a few words, such as, “Let me just go over what we’ve discussed today…” or “I’d like to review the decisions reached in our conversation…” Summarizing can be therapeutic because it reassures �the speaker that you have heard correctly and are taking action based on their needs. It also communicates that you understand the decisions that have been made, and provides a final opportunity to clarify any misconceptions. It is also a useful and graceful way to conclude a conversation and move on to a different topic.

Much of the goodwill built up between the funeral home and the family occurs during the selection of funeral products. Patience of the funeral home staff during this crucial time may play the most significant factor in the satisfaction of the family. Remember that families that take longer to consider their choices are simply concerned with making the right decision and spending their money wisely. It is often these families who express a higher degree of satisfaction with the funeral home.

Families that take longer to make casket selections should be encouraged to take their time. It may be difficult for everyone to agree on one choice, especially in a big family. Consider that these selections are made once in a lifetime, and should be treated as weighty decisions – not one that should be rushed or forced. Rushing a family who has recently experienced a loss can make them feel insignificant or unimportant. Because few family members will tell you honestly that you are hurrying them, it is wise to review your own actions to ensure that you are not speeding family members through the selection of merchandise or in other ways risking loss of their goodwill. Never give the family a time limit, and avoid scheduling meetings at times that pose potential conflicts.

Barriers to communicationCertain inappropriate behavioral patterns can be detrimental to communication. This section identifies some common patterns of behavior to avoid and explains their negative influence on interpersonal communication. The following actions discourage conversation and suggest to the bereaved that they are responding to the death inappropriately. Funeral directors and staff members should avoid:

Denying the existence or importance of the bereaved’s feelings, 1. in any way or to any degree.Suppressing or attempting to suppress the bereaved’s emotional 2. expression.Implying that the bereaved’s feelings are somehow wrong or 3. inappropriate.

Such behavior may include:Discouraging displays or expressions of emotion; Pressuring the bereaved not to grieve: As we have discussed, the expression of grief is integral to emotional healing, so it should not be discouraged. Some individuals associate tears with emotional or personal weakness. Others feel uncomfortable or helpless around tears and other expressions of grief. Telling an individual he or she is too old to cry, or that the deceased “wouldn’t have wanted” the individual to cry, are examples of not-so-subtle discouragement commonly heard in some families. As a funeral director or staff member, you are commonly in a position where people share their emotional pain with you. Do not discourage the individual from crying or expressing

sorrow. Allow them to let their emotions out. Avoid telling people how they should channel their distress or more appropriate ways for them to express grief. Whatever is natural to them is appropriate and acceptable. Different religions and cultures respond differently, some with wailing, and a great show of emotion, while others mourn relatively silently. Avoid telling mourners how they should be feeling or acting, and don’t assume you have to hide your emotions to protect theirs.

Pressuring the bereaved to discard the deceased’s personal items: Out of sight is not necessarily out of mind. Familiarity of personal effects can assist in the grieving and recuperation process. In fact, memories evoked by the belongings of the deceased may be important to grieving and recovery.

Pontificating, offering platitudes, clichés, or insincere reassurance: Offering false assurance is another expression of emotional distance. Saying, “Time heals all wounds,” “Everything is going to be fine,” or “You’re a strong person, you’ll get through,” are all statements that can leave the mourner feeling more isolated and empty. They suggest to the bereaved that you do not really understand their depth of emotion. In addition, such statements and sentiments show a lack of respect toward the bereaved. After a death, avoid meaningless clichés or chit-chat in favor of more consequential words.

Avoiding emotionally painful subjects or discussion: Do not avoid mentioning the deceased or avoid topics that you think might encourage expressions of grief, or bring back painful memories or recollections of the deceased. Do not change topics, avoid mentioning the deceased name, or refuse to listen to memories that the bereaved wishes to share.

Staying away: Do not avoid being around the bereaved because you are unsure about what to say or do. Simply being there and listening is a caring concerned gesture. Speak simply and honestly to the individual, avoid clichés, and let your presence be a comfort.

Minimizing the loss: Comments such as “You can have another baby,” “It was for the best,” or “I know how you must feel,” denies that the loss is unique, and the individual irreplaceable. One child cannot replace another, as each life is unique. Other things to avoid saying: “It was God’s will,” “God never gives us more than we can bear,” “At least he/she isn’t suffering, or is at peace.” “I know how you must feel,” can be insensitive, as you can never really know the depth of their pain. It may be appropriate to say that you or a friend experienced a similar loss, and that recuperating is a long slow process, but they will recover. It is better to say that you are sorry for the loss and are available to them.

Inappropriate intimacy or self-disclosure: Self-disclosure shifts the focus away from one of helping the bereaved, to a self-focused discussion that is unlikely to benefit or apply to the mourner. While some self-disclosure may be appropriate and even helpful, excessive discussion of one’s own experiences are not the subject of a helping conversation.

Inappropriate inquisitiveness or questioning: Excessive questioning discourages communication, in that it limits your interaction with the individual to a situation in which you rely primarily on questions to get information or understand feelings, rather than allowing the bereaved to focus on what he or she feels is important at the time. Bombarding the bereaved with questions and forms may make the bereaved feel that you are not interested in his feelings and that your own agenda is more important than his needs. Excessive questioning can easily shift the bereaved into a passive, rather than active, role. Ideally, your relationship and interactions

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with the bereaved are a partnership that ensures the bereaved voices are heard, and promotes sound, informed decision-making. While some individuals welcome the opportunity to take a decisive role in funeral decisions, others may be intimidated or overwhelmed by the responsibility. Remember that the family’s best interests should always be your primary goal, and the guide for all your actions and decisions. If you suspect any other interest is taking priority over your client’s welfare, review your rationale. When in doubt, ask: what is optimal for the grieving family?

Oppressive domination: A dominating ego or personality may express itself in this characteristic, which may be exhibited by a general impatience in the conversation, changing the topic, attempting to persuade or influence the bereaved in one direction or another, preaching to the bereaved, lecturing, or not letting the bereaved speak. Dominating people consider their opinions and preferences more important than those of the bereaved. They often feel there is only one right or appropriate way to grieve. Domination of a conversation or a meeting shows a lack of respect for the bereaved as well as implying that the person cannot decide for him/herself what is best. Always remember that you are first there to listen, not to speak.

Recognizing funeral service “burnout”Assisting people in the preparation, during, and after the funeral is demanding and emotionally draining work. Working around those in grief may force staff members to confront their own fears and losses relating to death. In caring for others you should not forget to care for yourself. The stress of such work is not inconsequential. If you find yourself minimizing or denying mourner’s emotional pain, you may be suffering from funeral service “burnout,” Symptoms include:

Inertia or lack of energy: Stress can trigger feelings of exhaustion. This is a way in which your body forces you to slow down physically and emotionally.

Irritability, agitation, impatience: Internal stress can explode in irritability and impatience. Your capacity for happiness may diminish as your agitation grows. Be sure you are not putting your own family’s needs behind that of your clients or blaming others for difficulties you face. Treat your family and staff with the same sensitivity and compassion you show mourners.

Emotional detachment or avoidance: Emotional detachment or avoidance characterizes individuals who are emotionally distant or aloof, often performing their jobs in a competent way, but without conveying a sense of warmth or compassion. One may respond to stress by distancing oneself emotionally from the family one is serving. You may begin to question the value of your work and tell yourself it is best not to get too involved with grieving family members. You may avoid topics or individuals you associate with strong emotion or feelings of grief.

Physical ailments and depression: Both real and imagined physical complaints, as well as symptoms of depression, may be signs of professional burnout. Symptoms of depression are varied and may include difficulty sleeping or sleeping excessively, loss of appetite, abrupt mood changes, and a feeling of hopelessness. Stomach distress and headaches, among a host of other physical symptoms, may also be stress-induced. Other signs of stressful overload include the belief that you are indispensable or the only one able to perform your job competently, which shows a lack of respect for other competent funeral directors and staff members with whom you work.

Excessive confusion, forgetfulness, the need to be all things to all people all can be manifestations of emotional burnout or stressful

overload. Burnt-out individuals tend to minimize or deny their feelings through rationalizations. While everyone may have a bad day now and them, burnout characterizes a chronic state of lethargy and lack of motivation, characterized by psychologists as emotional exhaustion or emptiness.2 Burnout can make an individual feel resentful, isolated, and disconnected from peers, family, and friends. They may find their accomplishments or work growing less meaningful or effective. If you find yourself more fatigued than usual, are growing increasingly irritable, or are distancing yourself emotionally from others, and avoiding emotional entanglements, you may be experiencing emotional burnout.

Prevent burnout by taking these important steps for better physical and emotional health:

Give yourself the time and opportunity to recharge after �

emotional experiences. Take time out for rest and renewal, and don’t overtax yourself by taking on too many responsibilities at once. Avoid self-defeating thoughts or actions. Remember that both the body and mind need to recuperate from stress. Treat yourself well and accept your human frailty. We are all �

only human and make mistakes. Accept the fact that mistakes are a part of development and do not reflect poorly on your character. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and consider your work valuable, even if your help is rejected or its significance is minimized by others.Learn to set appropriate limits on other people’s behavior, use �

your time effectively, and set practical, realistic deadlines. Learn what you find motivating and rewarding, and find time for �

these activities.Recognize that burnout exists and evaluate your level of risk. �

Discuss burnout with coworkers and educate them to recognize signs of burnout. Develop a good support system and give yourself permission to ask for help if you need it. Eat, drink, sleep, and be healthy. Pay attention to the physical �

ways stress manifests itself or takes its toll on you, and take care of yourself.

Assisting childrenChildren have been called forgotten mourners because it is assumed by some that they have a lesser capacity for emotional pain or are not influenced by the death. In reality, the experience of grief is associated with one’s ability to feel, rather than understand, emotional distress. Children of all ages grieve. While young children may have a poor grasp of the finality of death, they can be acutely affected by loss. In general, children may be more likely to express grief through behavior, rather than relying on verbal expressions. In regard to children, funeral directors and staff members should:

Consider themselves a source of emotional support for children �

as well as adults.Encourage children to ask questions about death and dying and �

discuss their feelings.Encourage families to include children as participators in the �

events associated with death.Explain that grief is associated with the capacity for love. �

Children should be allowed the same opportunity that adult family members have to participate in the funeral and related rituals, but should never be forced to attend against their will. Funeral directors can remind parents to explain to children and discuss the reasons they attend a funeral. Parents should explain its purpose and discuss their own need for support and comfort in a difficult and emotional time. Children should experience a funeral home for the first time with family members who are available to answer any questions or concerns they might have regarding death or the funeral service.

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Viewing the body of a loved one may have both positive and negative affects on children. Most children are not fearful of the body, and some people consider viewing the body the best way to say goodbye to the deceased. As with attendance at the funeral, viewing the body should be a matter of choice and should not be forced on the child.

Different families have different beliefs regarding death. Adults may not want you to share your personal religious or cultural beliefs with their children. When speaking to children, be honest, and stress that your ideas may not be shared by everyone. Children are usually able to express grief if significant adults in their life provide an example. Children usually appreciate the special circumstances surrounding death and appreciate being treated as a responsible member of the mourning family. In speaking to children or answering their questions, the following guidelines may be useful:

Explain the truth in simple terms. Do not avoid using the words �

“death” or “dead.” You might say that a very sad thing happened, then explain the circumstances surrounding the death in general terms (for example, saying the individual was ill, or was in an accident, or was very old). Explain that death is no one’s fault, and that the person will be missed very much by the people who loved him or her. If a child’s parent dies, reassure them that the surviving parent is �

not likely to die.Be honest. Children have a great capacity to handle the truth. �

Encourage them to ask questions.Offer reassurance that you will be there to help them recuperate �

from the grief.Do not postpone explaining facts surrounding a specific death or �

the topic of death, in general. In some cases, children may consider themselves fully or partly �

responsible for the death of someone close to them, believing that something they said or did influenced the death. Reassure children that they could not have caused the loss of the deceased, explaining that thinking something cannot make someone sick or cause their death.In talking of death, avoid describing death as a long journey, �

which can reinforce feelings of abandonment by a loved one, or saying that the deceased is “asleep” forever, as a child may develop trepidation associated with going to bed at night.If the child wishes to attend the funeral, explain to him or her �

beforehand what will take place, and what they will see and do, describing the open or closed casket and rituals surrounding death. Explain that many people will be crying and expressing their grief because they are saddened by the loss.

It is generally considered healthy for adults to express feelings of grief in front of children, as this gives the message that grief is normal, rather than the implication that there is something wrong with grieving openly. Children can learn that parents may be sad at times, but that this is a normal response and is in no way a rejection of the children. Adults should be encouraged to share their thoughts and feelings related to the loss, and understand that grieving is something shared by a family.

One can usually determine rather quickly if a family is emotionally “open” or “closed.” Some families allow and encourage the full spectrum of emotion in its members; some do not. In addition, some families accept children’s capabilities to understand death at their own level and view children as integral in the family grieving process. In emotionally open families, children are allowed to ask questions, and the occasion of death becomes an opportunity for emotional growth of the child.

Emotionally closed families are explicitly or implicitly discouraged from showing certain emotions including grief. Parents may exert subtle pressure on children to deny or hide their feelings. The message in these families is that everyone mourns the same way, and there is no need to discuss the thoughts and feelings associated with the loss of the loved one. In some cases, the expression of grief is interpreted as irrational or inappropriate. Children in emotionally closed families may never learn to express their grief, which can express itself in emotional and physical distress of other kinds.

Working with difficult familiesSome families present a special set of problems. For those who cannot be soothed by your helpful manner, remember than there are people who enjoy being angry, rude, or unpleasant. Remember also, that as poorly as they respond to your kindness and interest in them, they will only respond more poorly to detachment, arrogance, or anger from you or other staff members. Your best option in such a case is to be sincere and helpful. Any exhibition of impatience or poor humor reflects poorly on the profession and can be a handicap to you in the future.

In responding negatively to a negative remark, you lose the opportunity to gain the goodwill of the family member. But if you are diplomatic with a crabby individual, you may win them over. If you are surprised by the animosity or unpleasantness of some families, remind yourself that they are grieving, and are likely under great stress or facing greater adversity than you are, at the moment. Also know that a bad mood or aggression is used by some to hide pain. By maintaining your poise under pressure, you can often diffuse some of their hostility.

Unreasonable or difficult family members may behave poorly or make thoughtless or sarcastic remarks. You may find yourself caught in a venting session, which some mourners consider part of the grieving process. Allow the venting individual to exhaust him/herself without any aggression or attitude from you. Make every effort to communicate your concern and interest in serving them, and do not allow them to draw you into a fight. Always try to put yourself in their shoes and treat them hospitably. Difficult family members typically lose their fight when they are greeted by kindness and empathy.

Handling complaints Complaints are inevitable, and handling them skillfully and successfully is key to your success. In handling complaints, funeral professionals should always be courteous. The natural inclination may be to greet the complaint and complainer with a negative manner or cool tone. Handling the situation professionally means you should do the opposite; use a courteous and warm manner to avoid any emotional escalation on either side. Realize a just solution will satisfy both the funeral home and the family; it means both sides win. If you find that you have lost the goodwill of a member of the family, react quickly to make amends. If you do not address or explain it, you risk that slight growing more significant in the family member’s eyes and the family growing increasingly bitter about it.

Most people who complain are a little unsure of themselves because they are not sure how you will react. When a complaint is handled well, with compassion and efficiency, the complainer becomes an advocate, which should be the ultimate objective of complaint handling. While we may consider a complaint tedious or troublesome, we should remember that family members generally act in good faith, paying with the assumption that everything will progress satisfactorily. A grieving person would probably prefer not to complain during this emotionally difficult time. If he or she was prompted to do so, it is probably for a good reason as they have taken some effort to do so.

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Mourning family members can be hypersensitive or touchy. Moods and tempers easily flare. Listen to complaints with the same sympathy and empathy with which you listen to the bereaved family’s grief. By being soothing and helpful, and even expressing dismay at the matter that prompted the family’s remark or complaint, you diffuse the anger and immediately address the difficulty. When mourners receive a response that is not one of assistance and sympathy, or a complaint is made and the complainers see no response, they are likely to grow more upset.

The informed consumerPerhaps the most common mistake made in the funeral services business is the assumption that the family knows more about the process than they actually do. For example, most people working outside of the industry know very little of the terminology you regularly use in your business. Think about how often you take for granted how much you know about the funeral home’s products, services, and schedule. What is second nature to you is probably new to the family with whom you are working. Do not let your familiarity with the funeral service business get in the way of explaining options and issues to family. Family members will not know about the services and products unless you provide all the necessary details. It is not uncommon to lose sales and opportunities because funeral directors have not told the family what they need to know to make an informed decision.

As a professional, it is your responsibility to anticipate and answer unspoken questions, taking the initiative to explain all the pertinent details that need to be learned. Family members may feel uncomfortable asking questions. They may not know exactly what to ask or how to frame the question. Silent family members sometimes need to be drawn out through skillful inquiries. Consider that many silent family members may be shy or timid, or are simply unsure about what to do or what choices to make. They are not trying to be difficult, but are not very comfortable in their current positions. Other family members are just naturally quiet. In some cases, this may be the first time they find themselves in a funeral home and have no idea what to expect.

Family members will appreciate your interest in them and your explanations of products and services. Help them have a thorough understanding without going into excessive, unnecessary detail. Because family members usually only know as much as you tell them, and may have difficulty asking the right questions, the Federal Trade Commission and Federal Citizen Information Center produced the following information sheet to inform the consumer about basic issues related to funeral products and serves. Providing grieving family members with this information can be very useful, as it provides a starting point for inquiries or discussion. Family members equipped with the consumer guide may be less tentative or uncomfortable.

Below is information you can give to consumers to help build trust.Part III: Consumer informationThe following information is an excerpt from publications produced by The Federal Trade Commission (FTC at http://www.ftc.gov/), which includes a contact number for consumer grievances, and the Federal Citizen Information Center (FCIC at: http://www.pueblo.gsa. gov/). For the complete text, please refer to:

http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov/cic_text/misc/funeral/funeral.htm, or http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/services/funeral.htm

Funerals: A consumer guide3

When a loved one dies, grieving family members and friends often are confronted with dozens of decisions about the funeral – all of which must be made quickly and often under great emotional duress.

What kind of funeral should it be? What funeral provider should you use? Should you bury or cremate the body, or donate it to science? What are you legally required to buy? What other arrangements should you plan? And, as callous as it may sound, how much is it all going to cost?

Each year, Americans grapple with these and many other questions as they spend billions of dollars arranging more than 2 million funerals for family members and friends. The increasing trend toward pre-need planning – when people make funeral arrangements in advance – suggests that many consumers want to compare prices and services so that ultimately, the funeral reflects a wise and well-informed purchasing decision, as well as a meaningful one.

A consumer product Funerals rank among the most expensive purchases many consumers will ever make. A traditional funeral, including a casket and vault, costs about $6,000, although “extras” like flowers, obituary notices, acknowledgment cards or limousines can add thousands of dollars to the bottom line. Many funerals run well over $10,000.

Yet even if you’re the kind of person who might haggle with a dozen dealers to get the best price on a new car, you’re likely to feel uncomfortable comparing prices or negotiating over the details and cost of a funeral, pre-need or at need. Compounding this discomfort is the fact that some people “overspend” on a funeral or burial because they think of it as a reflection of their feelings for the deceased.

The funeral rule Most funeral providers are professionals who strive to serve their clients’ needs and best interests. But some aren’t. They may take advantage of their clients through inflated prices, overcharges, double charges or unnecessary services. Fortunately, there’s a federal law that makes it easier for you to choose only those goods and services you want or need and to pay only for those you select, whether you are making arrangements pre-need or at need.

The Funeral Rule, enforced by the Federal Trade Commission, requires funeral directors to give you itemized prices in person and, if you ask, over the phone. The Rule also requires funeral directors to give you other information about their goods and services. For example, if you ask about funeral arrangements in person, the funeral home must give you a written price list to keep that shows the goods and services the home offers. If you want to buy a casket or outer burial container, the funeral provider must show you descriptions of the available selections and the prices before actually showing you the caskets.

Many funeral providers offer various “packages” of commonly selected goods and services that make up a funeral. But when you arrange for a funeral, you have the right to buy individual goods and services. That is, you do not have to accept a package that may include items you do not want.

According to the funeral rule: You have the right to choose the funeral goods and services you �

want (with some exceptions). The funeral provider must state this right in writing on the �

general price list. If state or local law requires you to buy any particular item, �

the funeral provider must disclose it on the price list, with a reference to the specific law. The funeral provider may not refuse, or charge a fee, to handle a �

casket you bought elsewhere. A funeral provider that offers cremations must make alternative �

containers available.

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What kind of funeral do you want? Every family is different, and not everyone wants the same type of funeral. Funeral practices are influenced by religious and cultural traditions, costs and personal preferences. These factors help determine whether the funeral will be elaborate or simple, public or private, religious or secular, and where it will be held. They also influence whether the body will be present at the funeral, if there will be a viewing or visitation, and if so, whether the casket will be open or closed, and whether the remains will be buried or cremated.

Among the choices you’ll need to make are whether you want one of these basic types of funerals, or something in between.

“Traditional,” full-service funeral This type of funeral, often referred to by funeral providers as a “traditional” funeral, usually includes a viewing or visitation and formal funeral service, use of a hearse to transport the body to the funeral site and cemetery, and burial, entombment or cremation of the remains.

It is generally the most expensive type of funeral. In addition to the funeral home’s basic services fee, costs often include embalming and dressing the body; rental of the funeral home for the viewing or service; and use of vehicles to transport the family if they don’t use their own. The costs of a casket, cemetery plot or crypt and other funeral goods and services also must be factored in.

Direct burial The body is buried shortly after death, usually in a simple container. No viewing or visitation is involved, so no embalming is necessary. A memorial service may be held at the graveside or later. Direct burial usually costs less than the “traditional,” full-service funeral. Costs include the funeral home’s basic services fee, as well as transportation and care of the body, the purchase of a casket or burial container and a cemetery plot or crypt. If the family chooses to be at the cemetery for the burial, the funeral home often charges an additional fee for a graveside service.

Direct cremation The body is cremated shortly after death, without embalming. The cremated remains are placed in an urn or other container. No viewing or visitation is involved, although a memorial service may be held, with or without the cremated remains present. The remains can be kept in the home, buried or placed in a crypt or niche in a cemetery, or buried or scattered in a favorite spot. Direct cremation usually costs less than the “traditional,” full-service funeral. Costs include the funeral home’s basic services fee, as well as transportation and care of the body. A crematory fee may be included or, if the funeral home does not own the crematory, the fee may be added on. There also will be a charge for an urn or other container. The cost of a cemetery plot or crypt is included only if the remains are buried or entombed.

Funeral providers who offer direct cremations also must offer to provide an alternative container that can be used in place of a casket.

Choosing a funeral provider Many people don’t realize that they are not legally required to use a funeral home to plan and conduct a funeral. However, because they have little experience with the many details and legal requirements involved and may be emotionally distraught when it’s time to make the plans, many people find the services of a professional funeral home to be a comfort.

Consumers often select a funeral home or cemetery because it’s close to home, has served the family in the past, or has been recommended by someone they trust. But people who limit their search to just one funeral home may risk paying more than necessary for the funeral or narrowing their choice of goods and services.

Comparison shopping need not be difficult, especially if it’s done before the need for a funeral arises. If you visit a funeral home in person, the funeral provider is required by law to give you a general price list itemizing the cost of the items and services the home offers. If the general price list does not include specific prices of caskets or outer burial containers, the law requires the funeral director to show you the price lists for those items before showing you the items.

Sometimes it’s more convenient and less stressful to “price shop” funeral homes by telephone. The Funeral Rule requires funeral directors to provide price information over the phone to any caller who asks for it. In addition, many funeral homes are happy to mail you their price lists, although that is not required by law.

When comparing prices, be sure to consider the total cost of all the items together, in addition to the costs of single items. Every funeral home should have price lists that include all the items essential for the different types of arrangements it offers. Many funeral homes offer package funerals that may cost less than purchasing individual items or services. Offering package funerals is permitted by law, as long as an itemized price list also is provided. But only by using the price lists can you accurately compare total costs.

In addition, there’s a growing trend toward consolidation in the funeral home industry, and many neighborhood funeral homes are thought to be locally owned when in fact, they’re owned by a national corporation. If this issue is important to you, you may want to ask if the funeral home is locally owned.

Funeral costs Funeral costs include:

Basic services fee for the funeral director and staff.1. The Funeral Rule allows funeral providers to charge a basic services fee that customers cannot decline to pay. The basic services fee includes services that are common to all funerals, regardless of the specific arrangement. These include funeral planning, securing the necessary permits and copies of death certificates, preparing the notices, sheltering the remains, and coordinating the arrangements with the cemetery, crematory or other third parties. The fee does not include charges for optional services or merchandise. Charges for other services and merchandise.2. These are costs for optional goods and services such as transporting the remains; embalming and other preparation; use of the funeral home for the viewing, ceremony or memorial service; use of equipment and staff for a graveside service; use of a hearse or limousine; a casket, outer burial container or alternate container; and cremation or interment. Cash advances. 3. These are fees charged by the funeral home for goods and services it buys from outside vendors on your behalf, including flowers, obituary notices, pallbearers, officiating clergy, and organists and soloists. Some funeral providers charge you their cost for the items they buy on your behalf. Others add a service fee to their cost. The Funeral Rule requires those who charge an extra fee to disclose that fact in writing, although it doesn’t require them to specify the amount of their markup. The Rule also requires funeral providers to tell you if there are refunds, discounts or rebates from the supplier on any cash advance item.

Calculating the actual cost The funeral provider must give you an itemized statement of the total cost of the funeral goods and services you have selected when you are making the arrangements. If the funeral provider doesn’t know the cost of the cash advance items at the time, he or she is required

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to give you a written “good faith estimate.” This statement also must disclose any legal, cemetery or crematory requirements that you purchase any specific funeral goods or services.

The Funeral Rule does not require any specific format for this information. Funeral providers may include it in any document they give you at the end of your discussion about funeral arrangements.

Services and products Embalming Many funeral homes require embalming if you’re planning a viewing or visitation. But embalming generally is not necessary or legally required if the body is buried or cremated shortly after death. Eliminating this service can save you hundreds of dollars. Under the Funeral Rule, a funeral provider:

May not provide embalming services without permission. �

May not falsely state that embalming is required by law. �

Must disclose in writing that embalming is not required by law, �

except in certain special cases. May not charge a fee for unauthorized embalming unless �

embalming is required by state law. Must disclose in writing that you usually have the right to choose �

a disposition, such as direct cremation or immediate burial, that does not require embalming if you do not want this service. Must disclose in writing that some funeral arrangements, such �

as a funeral with viewing, may make embalming a practical necessity and, if so, a required purchase.

Caskets For a “traditional,” full-service funeral: A casket often is the single most expensive item you’ll buy if you plan a “traditional,” full-service funeral. Caskets vary widely in style and price and are sold primarily for their visual appeal. Typically, they’re constructed of metal, wood, fiberboard, fiberglass or plastic. Although an average casket costs slightly more than $2,000, some mahogany, bronze or copper caskets sell for as much as $10,000.

When you visit a funeral home or showroom to shop for a casket, the Funeral Rule requires the funeral director to show you a list of caskets the company sells, with descriptions and prices, before showing you the caskets. Industry studies show that the average casket shopper buys one of the first three models shown, generally the middle-priced of the three.

So it’s in the seller’s best interest to start out by showing you higher-end models. If you haven’t seen some of the lower-priced models on the price list, ask to see them – but don’t be surprised if they’re not prominently displayed, or not on display at all. Traditionally, caskets have been sold only by funeral homes. But with increasing frequency, showrooms and websites operated by “third-party” dealers are selling caskets. You can buy a casket from one of these dealers and have it shipped directly to the funeral home. The Funeral Rule requires funeral homes to agree to use a casket you bought elsewhere, and doesn’t allow them to charge you a fee for using it.

No matter where or when you’re buying a casket, it’s important to remember that its purpose is to provide a dignified way to move the body before burial or cremation. No casket, regardless of its qualities or cost, will preserve a body forever. Metal caskets frequently are described as “gasketed,” “protective” or “sealer” caskets. These terms mean that the casket has a rubber gasket or some other feature that is designed to delay the penetration of water into the casket and prevent rust. The Funeral Rule forbids claims that these features help preserve the remains indefinitely because they don’t. They just add to the cost of the casket.

Most metal caskets are made from rolled steel of varying gauges – the lower the gauge, the thicker the steel. Some metal caskets come with a warranty for longevity. Wooden caskets generally are not gasketed and don’t have a warranty for longevity. They can be hardwood like mahogany, walnut, cherry or oak, or softwood like pine. Pine caskets are a less expensive option, but funeral homes rarely display them. Manufacturers of both wooden and metal caskets usually warrant workmanship and materials.

For cremationMany families that opt to have their loved ones cremated rent a casket from the funeral home for the visitation and funeral, eliminating the cost of buying a casket. If you opt for visitation and cremation, ask about the rental option. For those who choose a direct cremation without a viewing or other ceremony where the body is present, the funeral provider must offer an inexpensive unfinished wood box or alternative container, a non-metal enclosure – pressboard, cardboard or canvas – that is cremated with the body.

Under the Funeral Rule, funeral directors who offer direct cremations: May not tell you that state or local law requires a casket for direct �

cremations, because none do.Must disclose in writing your right to buy an unfinished wood �

box or an alternative container for a direct cremation. Must make an unfinished wood box or other alternative container �

available for direct cremations.

Burial vaults or grave liners Burial vaults or grave liners, also known as burial containers, are commonly used in “traditional,” full-service funerals. The vault or liner is placed in the ground before burial, and the casket is lowered into it at burial. The purpose is to prevent the ground from caving in as the casket deteriorates over time. A grave liner is made of reinforced concrete and will satisfy any cemetery requirement. Grave liners cover only the top and sides of the casket. A burial vault is more substantial and expensive than a grave liner. It surrounds the casket in concrete or another material and may be sold with a warranty of protective strength.

State laws do not require a vault or liner, and funeral providers may not tell you otherwise. However, keep in mind that many cemeteries require some type of outer burial container to prevent the grave from sinking in the future. Neither grave liners nor burial vaults are designed to prevent the eventual decomposition of human remains. It is illegal for funeral providers to claim that a vault will keep water, dirt or other debris from penetrating into the casket if that’s not true.

Before showing you any outer burial containers, a funeral provider is required to give you a list of prices and descriptions. It may be less expensive to buy an outer burial container from a third-party dealer than from a funeral home or cemetery. Compare prices from several sources before you select a model.

Preservative processes and products As far back as the ancient Egyptians, people have used oils, herbs and special body preparations to help preserve the bodies of their dead. Yet, no process or products have been devised to preserve a body in the grave indefinitely. The Funeral Rule prohibits funeral providers from telling you that it can be done. For example, funeral providers may not claim that either embalming or a particular type of casket will preserve the body of the deceased for an unlimited time.

Cemetery sites When you are purchasing a cemetery plot, consider the location of the cemetery and whether it meets the requirements of your family’s religion. Other considerations include what, if any, restrictions the

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cemetery places on burial vaults purchased elsewhere, the type of monuments or memorials it allows, and whether flowers or other remembrances may be placed on graves.

Cost is another consideration. Cemetery plots can be expensive, especially in metropolitan areas. Most, but not all, cemeteries require you to purchase a grave liner, which will cost several hundred dollars. Note that there are charges – usually hundreds of dollars – to open a grave for interment and additional charges to fill it in. Perpetual care on a cemetery plot sometimes is included in the purchase price, but it’s important to clarify that point before you buy the site or service. If it’s not included, look for a separate endowment care fee for maintenance and grounds keeping.

If you plan to bury your loved one’s cremated remains in a mausoleum or columbarium, you can expect to purchase a crypt and pay opening and closing fees, as well as charges for endowment care and other services. The FTC’s Funeral Rule does not cover cemeteries and mausoleums unless they sell both funeral goods and funeral services, so be cautious in making your purchase to ensure that you receive all pertinent price and other information, and that you’re being dealt with fairly.

Veterans cemeteries All veterans are entitled to a free burial in a national cemetery and a grave marker. This eligibility also extends to some civilians who have provided military-related service and some Public Health Service personnel. Spouses and dependent children also are entitled to a lot and marker when buried in a national cemetery. There are no charges for opening or closing the grave, for a vault or liner, or for setting the marker in a national cemetery. The family generally is responsible for other expenses, including transportation to the cemetery. For more information, visit the Department of Veterans Affairs’ website at www.cem.va.gov. To reach the regional Veterans office in your area, call 1-800-827-1000.

In addition, many states have established state veterans cemeteries. Eligibility requirements and other details vary. Contact your state for more information.

Beware of commercial cemeteries that advertise so-called “veterans’ specials.” These cemeteries sometimes offer a free plot for the veteran, but charge exorbitant rates for an adjoining plot for the spouse, as well as high fees for opening and closing each grave. Evaluate the bottom-line cost to be sure the special is as special as you may be led to believe.

Solving problems If you have a problem concerning funeral matters, it’s best to try to resolve it first with the funeral director. If you are dissatisfied, the Funeral Consumer’s Alliance may be able to advise you on how best to resolve your issue. You also can contact your state or local consumer protection agencies listed in your telephone book, or the Funeral Service Consumer Assistance Program.

You can file a complaint with the FTC by contacting the Consumer Response Center by phone, toll-free, at 1-877-FTC-HELP (382-4357); TDD: 1-866-653-4261; by mail: Consumer Response Center, Federal Trade Commission, 600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Washington, DC 20580; or on the Internet at www.ftc.gov, using the online complaint form. Although the Commission cannot resolve individual problems for consumers, it can act against a company if it sees a pattern of possible law violations.

Planning for a funeral

Shop around in advance. Compare prices from at least two 1. funeral homes. Remember that you can supply your own casket or urn. Ask for a price list. The law requires funeral homes to give you 2. written price lists for products and services. Resist pressure to buy goods and services you don’t really 3. want or need. Avoid emotional overspending. It’s not necessary to have the 4. fanciest casket or the most elaborate funeral to properly honor a loved one. Recognize your rights. Laws regarding funerals and burials 5. vary from state to state. It’s a smart move to know which goods or services the law requires you to purchase and which are optional. Apply the same smart shopping techniques you use for other 6. major purchases. You can cut costs by limiting the viewing to one day or one hour before the funeral, and by dressing your loved one in a favorite outfit instead of costly burial clothing. Plan ahead. It allows you to comparison shop without time 7. constraints, creates an opportunity for family discussion, and lifts some of the burden from your family.

Prices to Check Make copies of this page and check with several funeral homes to compare costs.

“Simple” disposition of the remains:Immediate burialImmediate cremation If the cremation process is extra, how much is it?Donation of the body to a medical school or hospital

“Traditional” full-service burial or cremation:Basic services fee for the funeral director and staffPickup of bodyEmbalmingOther preparation of bodyLeast expensive casketDescription, including model #Outer Burial Container (vault)

Glossary of terms4

Alternative container An unfinished wood box or other non-metal receptacle without ornamentation, often made of fiberboard, pressed wood or composition materials, and generally lower in cost than caskets.

Casket/coffin A box or chest for burying remains.

Cemetery property A grave, crypt or niche.

Cemetery services Opening and closing graves, crypts or niches; setting grave liners and vaults; setting markers; and long-term maintenance of cemetery grounds and facilities.

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Columbarium A structure with niches (small spaces) for placing cremated remains in urns or other approved containers. It may be outdoors or part of a mausoleum.

Cremation Exposing remains and the container encasing them to extreme heat and flame and processing the resulting bone fragments to a uniform size and consistency.

Crypt A space in a mausoleum or other building to hold cremated or whole remains.

Disposition The placement of cremated or whole remains in their final resting place.

Endowment care fund Money collected from cemetery property purchasers and placed in trust for the maintenance and upkeep of the cemetery.

Entombment Burial in a mausoleum.

Funeral ceremony A service commemorating the deceased, with the body present.

Funeral services Services provided by a funeral director and staff, which may include consulting with the family on funeral planning; transportation, shelter, refrigeration and embalming of remains; preparing and filing notices; obtaining authorizations and permits; and coordinating with the cemetery, crematory or other third parties.

Funeral planning society See Memorial Society.

Grave A space in the ground in a cemetery for the burial of remains.

Grave liner or outer container A concrete cover that fits over a casket in a grave. Some liners cover tops and sides of the casket. Others, referred to as vaults, completely enclose the casket. Grave liners minimize ground settling.

Graveside service A service to commemorate the deceased held at the cemetery before burial.

Interment Burial in the ground, inurnment or entombment.

Inurnment The placing of cremated remains in an urn.

Mausoleum A building in which remains are buried or entombed.

Memorial service A ceremony commemorating the deceased, without the body present.

Memorial society An organization that provides information about funerals and disposition, but is not part of the state-regulated funeral industry.

Niche A space in a columbarium, mausoleum or niche wall to hold an urn.

Urn A container to hold cremated remains. It can be placed in a columbarium or mausoleum, or buried in the ground.

Vault A grave liner that completely encloses a casket.

ENDNOTES1 http://www.hospicenet.org/html/grief_guide.html2 Maslach, Christina [1982]3 http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/pubs/services/funeral.htm4 http://www.pueblo.gsa.gov/cic_text/misc/funeral/funeral.htm

Glossary Courtesy of the California Department of Consumer Affairs, Cemetery and Funeral Bureau

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FUNERAL SERVICES: INTERPERSONAL SKILLS AND COMMUNICATIONFinal Examination Questions

Choose true or false for each question and mark your answers on the answer sheet found on page 24 or complete your test online at

www.elitecme.com.

Thanatology is the study of the effects of death and dying.1.

True False

Delaying, displacing, replacing and minimizing are four skills for 2. assisting the bereaved.

True False

Empathy, respect, compassion and sincerity are four strategies 3. for avoiding grief.

True False

In active listening, you give the individual or family your 4. full attention, both in regard to verbal and non-verbal communication.

True False

In active listening, eye contact is perhaps the most effective way 5. to communicate your interest and concern.

True False

Open-ended questions tend to emphasize facts over feelings, 6. and elicit shorter, more specific responses, but can risk the possibility of missing significant details about an individual’s thoughts and feelings.

True False

Questions should be phrased in a neutral or unbiased way to 7. avoid “leading” the speaker in a particular direction.

True False

Summarizing is the process of sharing your expertise and 8. experience with the bereaved.

True False

Barriers to communication include discouraging displays or 9. expressions of emotion, pressuring the bereaved not to grieve and minimizing the loss.

True False

In discussing death with children, avoid using the words “death” 10. or “dead.”

True False

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CHAPTER 2

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS(3 CE Hours)

Learning objectivesDescribe the physiological reactions that product the “fight or !

flight” response.Explain the relationship between stress and illness. !

Define and give examples of very aggressive and very passive !

behavior. List some characteristics of active listening and explain its purpose. !

IntroductionYou have probably worked with at least one or two “difficult” individuals in your career; anyone who makes your life more complicated or stressful by creating and including you in situations you would like to avoid. Difficult people tend to contribute to a negative atmosphere. They may have poor work habits or social skills. Difficult people are likely to complain when their business is too busy, and too slow. They may be petty and gossipy, start rumors, or repeat unhelpful comments.

Difficult people may talk too much, be loud, rude, and/or physically imposing. They may be verbally or physically abusive. They may be sulky, or give you “the silent treatment.” They may be bullies or nags. They may be constant whiners, or pathological liars. Difficult people make your life difficult. While funeral parlors are supposed to offer a little sanctuary for family members and friends of the deceased, they may have just the opposite effect on funeral directors or technicians who are plagued by a difficult personality at work – a coworker who always raises your blood pressure, perhaps, or a manager who won’t stay out of your business.

Difficult people encourage “burnout” in those around them. We may feel manipulated by them. They make us lose our temper, slow down progress, and prevent us from getting things done. They may make us feel guilty, anxious, or upset. In many cases, working with someone you don’t get along with is not only a difficult and stressful experience, but one that negatively affects productivity. Coworkers who are not happy in their positions can “bleed” discontent onto their clients or coworkers. Even if you try to hide dissatisfaction or frustration from your superiors, coworkers, and clients, this kind of stress can build up, and it is possible to sense the negative energy in your environment, as well as be affected by it.

Everyday we encounter difficulties and negative responses in others. What should we do when confronted by difficult people who are a pain to deal or work with? You may try to reason with the person, ignore the behavior, or respond in kind – someone launches into you; you launch back. But this brings you no closer to a solution, and may make the situation worse. Ignoring the person contributes to lowered morale, in general, as difficult people tend to make everyone a little more on edge. Additionally, you may feel resentful that the individual causes you distress and uses up your time and energy. Irritation and frustration can mount, until tempers explode.

What if you could respond in a way that effectively diffuses the anger and directly addresses the dilemma? It is possible to change the way you deal with difficult situations and behaviors, to bring out the best in people and effectively address difficult people and situations. This chapter should help you:

Examine the “challenging” behaviors you encounter. �

Understand something about why people act as they do. �

Analyze how you react to them. �

Learn ways to prevent and address difficult situations. �

Understanding behavior I: habitual responses; emotion vs. logicBefore you can address the problem of difficult people and behaviors, you must be able to observe and identify your own actions and moods, realistically and objectively. Answer these questions to assess how strongly you are affected by a particular difficult person, and to what degree this individual negatively influences your behavior:

Talking or working with this individual drains my energy. �

When I know I have to have contact with this person, my mood �

takes a turn for the worse.I tense up around this person. �

I would be very relieved if I knew I did not have to encounter �

this person anymore.I plan ways to avoid this person. �

This person seems to bring out the worst in me. I do not like how �

I act around him/her.

If you answered yes to these questions, you are having strong emotional reactions to this individual and are likely experiencing a significant amount of stress related to him/her. Tension or stress may manifest itself, over time, in physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, and stress-related behavior, including impatience, anger, sadness, and overreaction. In some people, long-term reactions to stress may include depression. Stress over long periods of time can run you down and eventually take its toll on your health.

Learning techniques to handle difficult people or address difficult behavior involves a number of steps. The first step is learning to identify your own emotional responses in a difficult interaction and know this about human emotions and behavior: Much of how we think and act is a matter of habit, or repeated patterns of behavior, including the way we deal with difficult people or situations. If our habits our negative, our results tend to be negative, too. The challenge is to express the negative emotions you feel in useful, positive ways.

Most people are unable to behave logically under stress because they react automatically, without thinking. Confronted with difficulty, the body tends to respond with the “fight or flight” response1; the heart beats more rapidly, and perspiration increases. This reaction, called “acute stress response” is an evolutionary reaction to threatening situations. It causes us (and other vertebrates) to react in one of two ways, to either address the danger (fight) or run away (flight).

During the acute stress response, the sympathetic nervous system triggers the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine from the medulla and adrenal glands. These speed up the heart rate and breathing and constrict blood vessels in certain parts of the body, while opening blood vessels in the muscles which tighten or tense the muscles as the brain lungs and heart work harder, preparing the individual for either fight or escape. Adrenalin surges, making the person alert and aware, and physically ready for what comes next.

Humans commonly respond angrily to difficult situations because of this physiological response. Instead of responding with a thoughtful reaction, from the left side of the brain (the problem-solving, logical part), we react with the right side of the brain – emotional, irrational, and without logic. You can control this reaction by developing your awareness, identifying your physical reaction to stress and the associated emotional response. This insight allows you to begin controlling your responses in a difficult interaction, rather than having your responses control you.

Think about how you react when someone drives dangerously near you, cutting you off, for example. Most people respond angrily to a threat like this. How do you react? Does the anger fade quickly? Are you likely to say a few choice words about bad drivers to your passenger? Will you swear at the individual? Even follow him just

18

so you can give him a piece of your mind? Do you find a way to stay irritated for a while, or, does this one moment pass easily, with you realizing that you felt personally threatened and, perhaps, even fearful for a moment?

Some people’s attitudes are easily influenced. They may be “moody” – up one day or hour and down the next, with little or no idea why, reacting blindly or emotionally without analyzing their reactions or resulting behavior. Do you react automatically to the people around you? Does someone else’s bad mood tend to “rub off” on you? If you are the kind of person who chooses to remain upset long after a near-collision, you can’t continue to blame the other driver. Realize that your responses to difficult people or situations are entirely your own decision and completely under your control. If you choose to replay the incident in your mind and “refuel” your anger, you are wasting a great deal of energy on events in the past that cannot be changed.

Next time you feel emotion and logic at odds with one another, pulling you in opposite directions, focus your attention on your physical and emotional reactions. When you are able to pause, instead of blindly reacting, you will begin to gain control over your moods, and choose how you react. While it may not be possible to do in all cases, it is a simple, but profound step towards controlling your moods, rather than being controlled by them.

Like us, other people’s difficult behavior may be steeped in habitual patterns. We all develop responses to other people’s words and actions that can automatically take over if we let them. By interrupting our own negative repeated strategies, it is possible to break the pattern, allowing the interaction to shift from one of frustration to the beginnings of a solution.

Difficult people are seeking particular things in response to their behavior. You may be unable to see the benefits they reap because they are not things you desire. Difficult people, for example, may not only want to get their way; they may get some satisfaction from “pushing your buttons” or making you lose your temper. Difficult people may feed into or encourage our own difficult nature. Instead of playing into their behavior by contributing to or escalating the conflict, learn to switch off your defense mechanism when confronted with negative actions or words. Practice the following:

Recognize your automatic reaction.1. Take deep measured breaths and focus on your breathing until 2. you feel the physiological response dissipating.

Learn to refrain from pointless arguments or accusations that exacerbate the difficult situation. This gives you an opportunity to respond in a way that is productive and brings about a good or better outcome. By recognizing and not reacting to or adding to conflict, you will no longer be held hostage by your moods and automatic reactions, and difficult people will not seem so difficult. Once you learn some strategies for dealing with problem behaviors, you will be able to take charge of the interaction or situation and promote a more peaceful environment.

Learning to deal with difficult behaviors in others requires you to manage your part of the interaction effectively. While events may occur beyond your control, your response is still within your control, and you are entirely responsible for your own reactions.

Principles of conflict resolution (getting along with others)Working in harmony with other individuals can be a matter of establishing and implementing a number of principles to help you control your own words and actions and create the foundation for a peaceful, or at least, less stressful, work environment. While there are many different philosophies of conflict resolution, many stress the same

guiding principles. The following guide, drawn from Zen Buddhist teachings,2 includes many of these common principles. Notice how many are directed at changes in one’s own thinking and behavior:

Take responsibility for our vulnerabilities and emotional triggers �

in relationships with others.Investigate our own responsibility in the conflict before speaking �

with another.Practice non-stubbornness by holding an open heart, a �

willingness to understand, and a desire to reconcile differences.Have face-to-face resolution of the conflict with the other person �

or people involved.Use anger in a constructive and respectful way, allowing it to �

teach and transform us for the better, avoiding the “poison” of envy and comparing ourselves to others.Separate the behavior from the person, seeing the situation as �

an opportunity.

Perhaps the core principles of conflict resolution or dealing with difficult people are to maintain respectful relationships and try to resolve issues without emotion. The first part of this chapter introduced the importance of observing your emotions and learning to stop yourself from automatically reacting without thinking. The next part discusses some principles of respectful communication.

Like the principles above, these ways of thinking revolve around changing you and the way you respond to difficult people. This is because, as much as we try, we cannot change other people. The most effective changes are those we implement internally, changing ourselves. By changing the way you respond to difficult people, you change the type of interaction that results. By shifting the focus to yourself and your own behavior, you have the means by which to change the nature of the interaction from negative to positive.

Principle 1: Stop trying to change other peopleTrying to change the difficult person does not resolve any problems and typically leaves you even more frustrated and angry. So, instead of trying to change the difficult person, to make them less difficult, accept that person as he/she is, with faults, like you. Simply by choosing to accept people as they are, we create a less stressful environment. Think of how easily people telling others how they should change leads to heightened conflict, and accept that you no longer have to try to control or influence other people’s thoughts and behavior – the realization that it is not your mission to convince everyone that you are right. Leave that burden behind, and accept that you have no responsibility for changing minds.

Principle 2: No blame-gamePeople grow accustomed to blaming others or themselves when things go wrong, rather than looking for ways to fix the problem without focusing on blame. But blame does little to resolve a difficult situation. Learning to address negative energy or attitudes around you without blame is an integral part of dealing with difficult people. This means relaxing your judgment of people and assuming the best of those around you, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Principle 3: It’s not about youA necessary aspect of this strategy is learning to depersonalize communication and behavior. It is the realization that, in most cases, the difficulties you encounter are not at all about you. When a person ignores you, or speaks unfairly to you, how do you handle it? Do you feel angry at the person, assume their words to you were malicious and intentional? As you go through the day, do negative feelings about the person persist? Do you hate others because you think they hate you? This kind of thinking perpetuates negative behavior on both sides and gets you no closer to a solution.

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Negative behaviors or responses often come from our own feelings of insecurity. Learn to listen to others without forming these presumptuous attitudes that revolve around your ego. Realize, when you are talking to a difficult person, that you already have a bias against them, that you may be predisposed to interpreting his/her comments negatively or in a judgmental way. In so many cases, a perceived snub has nothing to do with you. Perhaps the person you were speaking to had a long day, or is preoccupied with some recent bad news. By learning not to interpret the interaction as a personal affront, we give the person the benefit of the doubt.

Principle 4: Treat people wellPractice treating difficult people with as much kindness and patience as you can. If you are respectful toward them, you may find their behavior loosens up, or bothers you less. Remember that anyone can be someone’s difficult person at some point, even you, given the right (or wrong) circumstances.

Principle 5: Don’t waste your time and energy on things you cannot change (like the past).Many people are unable to let go of the anger or frustration associated with a source of negative stress. Practice mentally “throwing the problem away” by putting an end to rumination or “replay” of the situation in your head. Do not occupy your time repeating the story, or endlessly complaining to other people. Use this energy for more productive pursuits.

Choose to focus your energy on the present and future, rather than waste it on past events that cannot be changed. Many people find the “Serenity Prayer,” by Reinhold Niebuhr, a good reminder about wasted emotional energy:

God grant me the serenity, To accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

Understanding behavior II: communicating needs: assertiveness, aggression, and passivity Much of a person’s ability to deal usefully with emotions like anger and frustration is associated with his or her style of behavior or degree of assertiveness. Assertiveness refers to the spectrum or range of behavior between passivity, at one end, and aggression, at the other. It may be one of the first things you notice about another person’s behavior.

Individuals respond to difficult situations with different degrees of assertiveness. Stress tends to pull at people emotionally, making them either more or less passive or aggressive than is usual for them. You may have noticed that people experiencing grief may be excessively passive or aggressive during this period. Assertive people differ from passive and aggressive people in their ability to acknowledge and state their own needs, and respect the needs of others. Passive or aggressive individuals are typically unable to do so.

Characteristics associated with aggressive or passive/aggressive tendencies:

I often yell back when someone yells at me. �

When someone tries to boss me around, I frequently do the �

opposite of what he/she asks.I often take my time “just to show” someone, when he/she tries �

to boss me around.I often make threats that I really don’t intend to carry out. �

When I’m feeling insecure and jealous, I’ll often pick a fight with �

someone rather than tell him/her directly what’s on my mind.Starting arguments with someone when he/she disagrees with me �

is something I often do.

Slamming doors is something I often do when I get mad at someone. �I’ll often do something on purpose to annoy someone, and then �

apologize when he/she accuses me of it.I will often break a “rule” someone has made just to spite him/her. �When someone makes me do something that I don’t like, I often �

make a point of getting even later.I often won’t do what someone asks me to do if he/she asks in a �

nasty way.

AggressionAggressive, or domineering, thinking focuses on meeting one’s own needs at the expense of others’. Aggressive individuals often ignore the impact of their behavior on others; it is an “I win, you lose,” position, incorporating a variety of aggressive methods of control, including dishonesty. Judging, criticizing, out-talking, or being loud and intimidating can all be used to dominate other individuals.

Being aggressive often involves a belief system that puts the aggressor’s standards and needs above others. Aggressive people may think they are the only ones that have a corner on the “truth” of the situation. They may be very stringent about following their rules, but not those of others’. Aggressive individuals do not consider other people’s wishes and have little respect for others’ needs and rights. Things may have to go their way or no way at all.

Aggressive people may have had backgrounds in which domineering behavior was encouraged or rewarded. While they may appear very confident, they often have poor self-esteem, and may be unable to accept blame. Unlike passive manipulators, aggressive individuals tend to be obvious in their attempts to push people around. A “bully,” for example, is one type of aggressive personality that typically uses some form of obvious mental, physical, or monetary coercion to force others to do as they wish.

Another type of aggressive or dominating personality is the “con man” who uses deception or subterfuge, often relying on verbal skills to persuade others to do what they want. Con men differ from other aggressive manipulators in their ease and ability to lie, and lack of concern for speaking falsely. The terms sociopath and psychopath refer to two extreme forms of con men behavior, individuals who have little regard for others’ welfare, and engage in extreme behavior to get what they want, with few or no signs of guilt.

Dominant or aggressive behavior may also manifest itself in judgmental control, a “holier than thou” or “know it all” attitude that keeps others off-balance. The judgmental person thinks he or she is morally and/or intellectually right, or has “the truth” on his/her side, and implying that the person with which they are in conflict is not as intelligent, or as good a person, in some way. This kind of manipulation is dishonest in that judgmental people claim they are doing the right thing, while their real motivation is to control the situation and get their way.

While aggression allows the difficult individual to get his/her way in one sense, aggression manipulation works against the difficult individual because other people learn to fear or resent, and distance themselves, from the difficult person. Like passive individuals, aggressive people may have poor social skills and little trust in others. They may feel suspicious, angry, and wounded by others’ reactions to them.

PassivityPassive or nonassertive thinking focuses on meeting others peoples’ needs, at your own expense. It is a “You win, I lose” proposition. Passive people typically allow others to control them, but are also capable of manipulating or controlling others. Individuals who tend

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toward passive behavior in times of stress are likely to feel angry and victimized or taken advantage of. They may feel frustrated, feeling they never get their way, and have little control over their lives. They may be sulky or withdrawn, thinking that no one listens to what they say, anyway. They may have little confidence in themselves, and be reluctant to accept change.

Indirect passive manipulators may use subtle or devious means to get their way, including sabotage, sarcasm, “playing the martyr,” or the “silent treatment.” They may be inclined to use passive/aggressive measures, spreading rumors, making fun of others, or talking behind others’ backs. They may hide their feelings, pretending that everything is fine while they are actually seething inside. Sometimes a person can go from one extreme to the other; a person who is typically nonassertive will become aggressive. This may happen because small amounts of resentment build up until “the last straw,” when they lose their temper.

Passive manipulation may also be subconscious, and include withdrawal, feeling depressed or “down,” and a disinclination to communicate or cooperate. Passive personalities may be overly dependent on others, hypersensitive to criticism, and lacking in social skills. Passive behavior can be frustrating to more motivated, efficient workers, who may feel they’re carrying “dead weight,” at their place of employment.

Characteristics of assertive behavior and communicationAssertive thinking and behavior balances an active concern for one’s own welfare and goals with those of others. It comes from a genuine wish and attempt to find “win-win,” long-term solutions to recurring problems, as opposed to superficial or temporary, stop-gap measures that ignore the underlying cause of the problem. Assertive communicators face difficult situations squarely, while nonassertive people tend to avoid directly addressing the root of the problem.

The assertive approach utilizes the individual’s respect for him/herself, treating the other person in an understanding and kind way, yet focused and firm enough to accomplish the win-win solution. While the ultimate objective of the assertive approach is finding immediate and lasting solutions to problems, assertive communicators endeavor to de-escalate conflict and improve communication, bringing people closer together. Assertiveness tends to be the most effective response to nonassertive, aggressive, or manipulative behavior, but learning to act assertively typically requires some degree of training and skill, whereas nonassertive and aggressive responses, by contrast, are emotional and automatic.

Assertive communicators tend to be more emotionally open and honest about their feelings and thoughts. They tend to act kindly and diplomatically throughout the difficult situation, and speak and act in respectful ways. Assertive communicators are more likely to express care or concern for another person, to compliment or commend him or her, even in the midst of a difficult situation.

The following statements describe characteristics typically associated with assertive behavior and communication:3

Confronting someone with a problem as it comes up is seldom a �

problem for me.Telling someone that he/she is taking advantage of me is not �

difficult for me to do.If someone is annoying me, I do not find it difficult to express my �

annoyance to him/her.Saying “NO” to someone when I would like to say “NO” is easy �

for me to do.I am able to ask someone to do me a favor without any difficulty. �

I do not have difficulty telling someone my true feelings. �

Challenging someone’s beliefs is something I can do with �

little difficulty.In general, I am very direct in expressing my anger to someone. �

I do not have trouble saying something that might hurt someone’s �

feelings when I feel he/she has injured me.Expressing criticism to someone is not a problem for me. �

I can express a differing point-of-view to someone without �

much difficulty.I often let someone know when I disapprove of his/her behavior. �

In general, I am not afraid to assert myself with someone. �

I do not give someone the “silent treatment” when I’m mad at �

him/her. Instead, I just tell him/her what has angered me.

Honest, but kind Assertive communicators use words with great care because they know words can hurt people deeply, causing great pain. Choosing to speak kindly and carefully does not mean that you cannot voice your opinions or disagree with the difficult person. It means you do not use words to attack or undermine. During a difficult encounter, speak the truth, but tell it in a way that is supportive, building up self-esteem rather than tearing it down. Always bring attention to a sensitive issue in private, to avoid an audience, and try to discuss problem behavior without indicating the person is behaving that way.

Assertive communicators are honest, diplomatic, and diligent about keeping their word. They back up their words with action because they know that if you do not follow up your promises or statements with the specified actions or behaviors, people will begin to doubt what you say.

Words can bond people in close relationships or rip them apart. Assertive communicators realize their power and use them carefully. Poorly or angrily chosen words, once spoken, have an impact that can never be taken back. Thoughtless words can get back to the person they’re about, wounding him/her deeply, making him/her feel surrounded by false friends. When you are speaking about another person, consider the following: Would that person be wounded by your words if they were repeated by someone else, out of context, without you around to defend yourself? Even after an apology, there is some residue of hurt or anger from wounding words.

Positive intention; high expectations and giving the benefit of the doubtAssertive communicators are compassionate and nonjudgmental. They realize they cannot know all the experiences that made the difficult person what he or she is today. Instead of judging or blaming the difficult person, the assertive communicator is sensitive to the needs of the difficult individual, and treats him or her compassionately.

Assertive communicators know that much of our ability to know and get along with others is dependent on healthy self-esteem. We all travel with an “Achilles’ heel,” some weakness or sensitivity that is particularly acute to us. Sometimes what we react to in others the weaknesses we identify in ourselves. Difficult situations can be emotional and confusing. Unless you specifically state your good intent, there is a possibility that your words and behavior will be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Showing your positive intent through words and actions can be like knowing the magic words to make the situation easier.

In this important dimension of assertive communication, the speaker identifies a positive intention behind the difficult behavior, and treats the difficult person with a positive, charitable manner. This means acknowledging that the difficult individual does not mean to be difficult; that he or she is operating out of goodwill, and toward positive objectives.

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Difficult people may feel victimized by the world around them – that no one is on their side and everyone is against them. Showing your positive intent is showing the caring emotions that are the context for what you are saying. Showing your positive intention lets the difficult person know where, emotionally, you are coming from. When you state your positive intent toward the person, you give them positive feedback; the individual may expect to hear accusatory language, instead he hears concern and interest.

Stating positive intentions can be as simple as learning to say, “I’m sorry that you’re having a problem. How can I help?” Expressing concern immediately reduces anxiety and conflict and increases goodwill. The difficult person feels you are not against him or her. Holding these thoughts about the difficult person will influence the way you speak and act to the person, avoiding an accusatory language or tone. In stating or confirming that you understand the difficult person has good intentions, you develop a bond of goodwill.

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is one of the most powerful tools for bringing out the best in people at their worst. People both rise and fall to the level of others’ expectations. Have you noticed, once someone has a negative opinion of you, you may feel that it is impossible to redeem yourself in their eyes? When a difficult person behaves in a difficult way, you may be tempted to think, “That’s why everyone has a problem with you.” It is easy to let your preconceived notions about the difficult person allow you to make the assumption that a behavior is rooted in negative intention. But even behavior that appears negative comes from good intent.

We tend to associate difficult people with negative feelings and reactions. We can reinforce those notions about them, or we can assume the best, even if it is wrong. Assuming the best has a positive effect on difficult people. Instead of criticizing the person or telling them why they are wrong (making them defensive), you minimize their apprehensive, protective defense mechanisms. As they learn to disassociate you with negative words and actions, they will stop seeing you as the enemy, and be more receptive to what you say.

Difficult people want to be heard and understoodMost people want two things from a verbal interaction. They want to know that they have been heard, and they want to know that what has been heard has been understood. Arguments often erupt in a situation where two or more people are trying to be heard and understood at the same time. For effective communication to result, one person must be the listener, open to hearing and understanding what is said.

Feelings of anger associated with the difficult situation are commonly the combination of two things: the original reason for unhappiness or distress, and the associated frustration and feelings of helplessness because no one is listening to, understanding, or helping you solve the problem. Listening to what the person has to say has an immediate diffusing effect on hostility by addressing one of the sources of anger. In fact, a kind, understanding word is sometimes all that is needed to cool emotional overreactions and promote good will.

Difficult people often feel their good intentions are being misunderstood, that they are not being heard and understood. Learning good listening skills and behavior, asking important questions, and providing appropriate feedback ensures that the difficult person feels heard and understood. In fact, by listening attentively, you can even prevent difficult people from becoming difficult, as taking the time to listen increases feelings of cooperation and understanding.

Understanding is both an emotional and intellectual process. In a difficult situation, you must convince the difficult individual that you

are understanding on both levels. We do this by our appearance and behavior, the questions we ask, and feedback we give. Most people focus on the way you say things as much or more than what you say. Your intentions are not nearly as relevant as your behavior. Both should have the same message.

When someone is venting their frustrations or complaining, demonstrate that you are paying attention to their emotions and words. Pay attention to nonverbal signs of communication and seek clarification if you suspect that you and the other person aren’t “on the same page.” Fatigue, disability, language difficulties, and cultural issues are some of the many factors that complicate communication between two people. Some people have an initial period of difficulty speaking their mind; they may feel rude, awkward, or not want to express disagreement with you. As you grow more familiar with one another, your interactions will likely become more natural and comfortable.

Listening skillsAssertive communication requires good listening skills. Assertive communicators listen carefully, responding with sympathy and targeted questions that get at the heart of the issue. They pay close attention to what the individual is staying instead of wandering off on their own thoughts, or thinking ahead to how they will respond. Active listeners have an open mind and are able to consider other people’s points of view.

Being a good listener means that you:Don’t tune out. �

Don’t interrupt. �

Are open-minded – don’t already have your mind made up. �

Maintain good listening behavior (like eye contact – don’t look �

down or around room).Ask questions to clarify and provide feedback. �

Do you tune out? Sometimes we don’t hear what people say because we are bored or preoccupied; the mind wanders off on its own little journey, thinking its own thoughts. While the person is speaking, we are contemplating many things, including what we will say when it is time to respond. You may have poor listening skills, in general, or the tendency to tune out the difficult person because you associate him/her with something unpleasant.

Do you interrupt? Interrupting individuals before they are finished speaking should be discouraged. Try not to rush the difficult person, read his or her mind, or anticipate what he or she is about to say. Let them make their statement at their own pace. Do not try to hurry the discussion along, or solve the problem before you’ve heard all the pertinent details.

In some cases, listening may not be a useful use of your time. Difficult people who complain constantly sometimes try to draw others into their drama. In this case, keep the interaction as short as possible. For difficult people who talk a great deal and listen too little, you may have to interrupt to be heard at all.

If someone raises their voice to you, will not let others speak, or complains without end, it may be necessary to kindly but firmly interrupt the individual and redirect the conversation. The interruption must be unemotional, without anger or blame. Speak respectfully to the individual, using his or her name to get their attention, for example, “Excuse me, John.” Aggressive people are likely to raise their voices, in an effort to speak over you; escalating the conflict. Continue to politely repeat this until the difficult person finally stops speaking and turns his/her attention to you.

Do you listen with an open mind? Some people are not willing to entertain the prospect of changing their opinion, no matter what they

22

hear. Do you consider what the difficult person is saying without predisposition or bias?

Do you show good listening behavior? Are your tone of voice and body language saying the same things as your words? Are you making eye contact and nodding or commenting to show your interest? Do your questions further understanding of the difficulty? How do you look and act? Are you tapping your foot, or are your eyes darting around the room? Are you thinking about how you’re going to respond to the individual? Not only your words, but your body language and manner of speaking (volume and tone of your voice) should convey interest and concern.

Do you ask the right questions and provide appropriate and supportive feedback? Do you use the principles of active listening, paraphrasing and asking questions when you need clarification and to show you are interested and listening to what is being said?

At some point, the individual may stop talking or start to repeat what he/she has already said. At that point you provide feedback, consisting of a statement of positive intent, then feedback or clarification of what they just said. If you think you understand what the person said, briefly summarize what you heard using some of the same terms the difficult person used. By using the same words they used, you convey that you have been listening intently and understood the meaning they intended. Do not replay the whole conversation; simply the main points. Note any statements in which the difficult individual mentioned his or her feelings as much as you emphasize what happened in the sequence of events.

Finding a solution to a problem often requires learning more information or different information than the difficult person is giving you. Clear up confusion with specific questions that will help you understand the difficulty. Asking questions also communicates to the difficult person that you are interested in finding a solution for the problem. Clarification (questions) should be phrased in an even-handed unemotional tone. Avoid sounding accusatory or phrasing questions in a blaming way.

Difficult people may speak in vague generalities, or provide little of substance in what they say, Ask succinct questions that clarify the factual details until you and others begin to have an understanding of the difficult situation, and why the difficult person feels about the subject the way they do. There are usually rational reasons at the root of every action or behavior. Ask questions until you understand the motivation behind the difficult behavior.

Most clarification questions begin with “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” and “how.” Use them to fill in any information gaps left by the speaker. Asking questions that fill in the blanks helps the difficult person pull himself out of the difficult situation and also makes him feel his difficult situation is being addressed seriously and respectfully.

Your focus in asking questions should be: To clarify the meaning of the situation for the difficult person. �

To clarify their intention in regard to the interaction. �

To clarify the criteria for a solution or way to ease their distress. �

Asking the difficult person to explain his or her reasoning can be very useful. Ask the difficult person what rationale or criteria are leading him/her to the problematic conclusion or decision. After learning these criteria, summarize them to the person and confirm that these are the reasons or rationale behind their position. If you sense defensiveness, acknowledge good intent and confirm that you understand what they are trying to accomplish.

After clarifying any questions you have about the difficult situation, summarize what you’ve heard, answering these questions:

What is the problem? �

Who is involved? �

When did it happen? �

Where did it happen? �

How did it happen? �

By doing this, you demonstrate to the listener that you are working to understand his point, and you provide the individual with the opportunity to fill in any gaps, if either you or the other person missed an important detail. When you are done summarizing, ask the individual if you understand him correctly. And confirm that you understand. Endnotes & Sources 1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response2 Sangha at Clouds in Water Zen Center. See http:// www.cloudsinwater.org/GuidelinesForCommunication.htm3Adapted from Assertiveness Inventory Scale; Authors: K. Daniel O’Leary and Alison D. Curley; see http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/marital-/downloads/aggression.htm

Bibliography6Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, McGraw-Hill, Inc., 2002.6Cava, Roberta, Dealing with Difficult People, Firefly Books, 2004.6Crowe, Sandra A., Since Strangling Isn’t an Option, A Perigee Book, Berkeley Publishing Group (a division of Penguin Putnam Inc.), New York, 1999.6Losoncy, Lew, Salon Psychology, Matrix University Press, 1988.6Toropov, Brandon, Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Along with Difficult People, Alpha Books, Macmillan General Reference, A Simon & Schuster Macmillan Company, New York.

23

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND SITUATIONSFinal Examination Questions

Choose true or false for each question and mark your answers on the answer sheet found on page 24 or complete your test online at

www.elitecme.com.

Tension or stress may manifest itself, over time, in physical 11. symptoms like stomachaches or headaches, and stress-related behavior, including impatience, anger, sadness, and overreaction.

True False

The “acute stress response” is an evolutionary reaction to 12. threatening situations.

True False

Blame is the best way to resolve a difficult situation. 13.

True False

Learning to depersonalize communication and behavior means 14. the realization that, in most cases, the difficulties you encounter are all about you.

True False

Negative behaviors or responses often come from our own 15. feelings of insecurity.

True False

Assertiveness refers to the spectrum or range of behavior 16. between passivity, at one end, and aggression, at the other.

True False

Passive thinking focuses on meeting one’s own needs at the 17. expense of others.

True False

Aggressive people may have had backgrounds in which 18. domineering behavior was encouraged or rewarded.

True False

Indirect passive manipulators may use subtle or devious means to 19. get their way, including sabotage, sarcasm, “playing the martyr,” or the “silent treatment.”

True False

Assertive communicators are less likely to express care or 20. concern for another person, to compliment or commend him or her, in the midst of a difficult situation.

True False

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Email_________________________________________Signature_____________________________________________________Course Payment You may complete the individual courses for the prices listed or you can COMPLETE 6 CE HOURS AND SAVE MONEY!

Final Examination Questions are located at the end of each chapter.Unanswered questions will be scored as incorrect.

CHAPTER PAYMENT

Chapter 1 - Funeral Services: Interpersonal Skills and Communication(3 CE Hours)

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Chapter 2 - Dealing with Difficult People and Situations(3 CE Hours)

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Chapter 1 - Funeral Services: Interpersonal Skills and Communication

(3 CE Hours)

Exam Page 16 Questions 1-10

Chapter 2 - Dealing with Difficult People and Situations(3 CE Hours)

Exam Page 23 Questions 11-20

TRUE FALSE

1. q q 2. q q 3. q q 4. q q 5. q q 6. q q 7. q q 8. q q 9. q q 10. q q

TRUE FALSE

11. q q 12. q q 13. q q 14. q q 15. q q 16. q q 17. q q 18. q q 19. q q 20. q q

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