Fatal Beatings: From Rowan Atkinson LIVE

<Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for himself and his visitor>

HEADMASTER: Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud.

HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired.

PERKINS: Oh dear.

HEADMASTER:He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

PERKINS:Dear me.

HEAD: Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’tdead I’d have him expelled.

<long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.>

PERKINS:I beg your pardon?

HEAD: Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowancesfor the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear.

PERKINS: He’s dead?

HEAD: Yes... he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green. And it’s very typical of his current attitude.

PERKINS: <shocked> But...

<Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins>

HEADMASTER:You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely

immovable. And beginning to smell.

PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!?!

HEADMASTER: Is that important?

PERKINS:<incredulous> Yes, I think so!

HEADMASTER: Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system...

<Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks up one of the library cards>

PERKINS: Wait... I’m sorry.... You BEAT my son to death?

HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced....

PERKINS:Well, exactly what happened?

HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books.

PERKINS:No, during the beating!

HEADMASTER: Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was lying down...

PERKINS: DEAD?!

HEADMASTER: Ummm... deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing.

<stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins>

HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from.

PERKINS:Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?!

HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to

me the first day here, I fear. I wondered then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on.

<Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to "get medieval" on the Headmaster>

PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?!

HEADMASTER: I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

<a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door>

PERKINS: This is preposterous!

HEADMASTER: Yes it is. Or at least it would be... if it were true.

PERKINS: WHAT?!?!

HEADMASTER: I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg.

<Mr. Perkins sighs with relief>

HEADMASTER: I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!