Fanwnak Issue 3

7/31/2019 Fanwnak Issue 3

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R.I.P. FANWNAK 2011 - 2011

FEATURING

NOT A LOT

T H E I C A N ’ T B E A R S E D A N Y M O R E I S S U E T H A T

E V E R Y O N E W I L L H A T E

0 1 0 7 2 1 1

1 2 1 2

3 2

1

ISSUE 3

F I N AL I S S U E


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info

Index Editorial 2

I cannot be arsed to do the rest

ContributorsGrant Foxon Artist

Teddy Ruxpin Guest Editor

FANWNAK is cobbled together andsqueezed out by Teddy Ruxpin.Front cover image stolen off theinternet from some crappy old filmand ineptly photoshopped withanother stolen picture of Matt Smithas Doctor Who all by Teddy Ruxpin

Doctor Who and any images used in this publicationare ©BBC and have been nicked.

Well, here we are again for the last time!Ha Harr! You fell into my trap DOCTOR!!!! Oh, umm.. bugger, you’re notthe Doctor at all are you? You just sort of look like him. No maer, I havesnared another innocent victim and now you are at my mercy you Wnaker! .

Issue 3 eh? It’s a bloomin’ miracle. It really is. edust has seled on Fanwnak 2 and the staples are probably rusty and falling out. Good. Oh, hi, B.T.W, Iam Teddy Ruxpin, the new guy and I’m here to seeoff FANWNAK. at bastard Sco Burdi has ranoff with all the decent articles and is making a new fanzine leaving me in charge. Good luck you git. As a crappy Teddy bear I have no idea how to makea Fanzine but Sco didn’t either, so I hope you

don’t notice. As I stare at a blank screen I ask myself what shall Ido? In the reader survey (which Sco forgot toinclude in the last Issue) thousands of you wrotein to vote for your favourite articles so far of

FANWNAK but I just binned them as I can’t bearsed reading them. Anyway, TORCHWOOD was total WNAK wasn’t

it? I think it was a test to see if you could actually bore an audience to death.It felt like a never-ending torturous bloody death wading through all ten padded out episodes and I hope it never comes back. Captain Jack goes to America. Great. Now stay there. Well, I have to admit that remainingcontributions to this issue are still of high quality but unfortunately very thin on the ground . I suppose, that’s what you get when you call a Fanzine

FANWNAK. OK , enough of my bolox.Teddy RuxpinGuest Editor anda total WNAKER

FANWNAKeditorial

Well, you didn’t think it was real did

you? Well... below, is the

solution to Issue 2’s


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WHYRUSSELL

T. DAVIESRAN OFFTO THEUSA.(A.K.A How to lose Doctor Who fans and alienate people)

By GRANT FOXON(representing the militant fanbase of Who or RMFBW)

I love PROPER Doctor Who I.E 1963-1989. I knowall those people out there who get a hard-on for CGIand Transformers films may struggle with the conceptof strings showing, black and white television and Adricbut bare with me. I like well written stories andcharacter development. I like a programme that has atruth and even a courageous feel to it. Almost like apassive revolution. Even Colin Baker I like.

What I don’t like.When Doctor Who came back I was excited. So

much so I had a peculiar wet dream involving a Rillthat looked like my mother in law and a PVC Voord.(I’m not going to go into details here because it’s crudebut it did involve a full tub of industrial strength KYJelly). Then it came back. After the end of theEccleston era I felt cheated. The Doctor hadregenerated into a gypo northerner who was aslikeable as a gypo northerner. The Tardis never visitedone other alien planet, but can visit the same councilestate 4 times including different time zones, and thenew companion had the face of a gerbil, and theconsole room now looked like a set from Farscape.

Then he regenerated. He still hardly visited an alienplanet and the stories were dodgy including an awfulfinale involving Daleks and Cybermen. They thenintroduced Bonnie Langford Mark 2 and it got worse.

Then came the worst Doctor Who episode ever. The

End of Time. The Master has now become a super villain who is resurrected by a cult of prison guards, thetime lords are back without any real explanation andthe Doctor visits every single companion as he is dyingand regenerating.

Utter Bollocks. And look at Torchwood. Is there a single episode

that is not a rip off of a horror sci-fi movie or TV show?I now wish that lefty talent less Welshman never got

his hands on my programme. The BBC now whore theshow out for merchandise and I’m forever screamingat kids who I overhear talking about MY programme.

I shall rewatch my VHS tapes and remember a moreinnocent time of my youth when the show was my life.I shall also continue to see my councillor.

Love Always.Grant Foxon



Fartwork

submissions



censored



This is a mockup

of the cover of

FANWANK just for

you Mr FoxonP.S. W.T.F were you thinking?



+++ THE PORN EDITION+++

TOP OF THE PONDSREGENERATION LET’S REGENERATE! ARE THE RIGHT EPISODES LOST?LOOKING FOR A CHICKEN DINNERDO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME? AND MUCH MUCH LESS!

W H Y A R E Y O U R E A D I N G T H I S B I T . O P E N T H E

P A G E S

A N D T H E R E I S L O A D S O F G O O D W N A K I N S I D E !

+##%!"

"$

"') "

(*#"&%' TO UC H

M Y WOO D

censored



coz we know you love Cheese!

EXCLUSIVE

FREE MASK!!!

Yes, we stole this picture too >



sponsored by

W N A K E R S



WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ISCORPORAL BELL?

Following last month’s UNIT

reunion in a Top Secret location,

clearly indicated as such with a

bloody great signpost, there was

only one topic of conversation

among the many retired troops:

“Where’s Corporal Bell?”

Actually that’s not entirely true,

there were a fair few others such

as “Sometimes I still see Gel

Guards”, “How many fingers did

you get in Jo Grant?” and “Did you

ever got to the wrong HQ by

mistake?”

Attendance was down on the

previous year owing to people

dying of possible young age and

confusion over old age. Very few

of the troops could even

remember which decade they

were in UNIT for and when asked

to describe the scientific advisor

several couldn’t even get the hair

colour right.

So where is Corporal Bell? Well

our intrepid researchers havefound her alive and well and living

in Sandhurst. She not only earned

promotion but also married Henry

Bleed in either 1979 or 1989.

She’s now known as Major Bleed,

which ironically was her nickname

back in the old days too.



Our article submissions...


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Dear FANWNAK. What the bloody

HELL do you mean this is the last

issue? I don’t want it to end. I refuse

to let you die. You’ve still got potential

even though the ratings are down.

DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER

THERE!! Why does it have to end?

What do you need? Money? I’ve got

millions from selling sh*t. FANWNAK

is my life. It’s all I live for and if you

take it away from me I will kill myself you selfish bastrads.

Mr S. Cowell Age 61

America

Dear FANWNAK, I don’t know why I

am bothering to tell you this as you

probably already know what I am

about to say... Let’s be honest about

it. I’ve run out of good Doctor Who

plots and resorted to duff jokes and

timey-wimey confusing sh*t that

baffles even me, the kids and the

BBC, so I’m thinking of jacking it in

before someone find’s out. What

prompted this confession was that I

logged on to something called theInternet and had a massive girly

scottish hissy fit when I read pages

and pages of crappy feedback. So in

future I will keep telling people I don’t

use the internet to look at their

reviews as I can’t handle criticism.

#DRPOO

Mr S. Moffat, Age 95

Email

I sent the BBC £1000 in used five

pound notes in the post. Hopefully,

this will help fund another 4 very

obvious Doctor Lite episodes next

year.

Mr I. Amnowskint, Age 28

Email

Tintin? What a load of sh*t.

Nan. Age 85

Postcard

What do you mean it’s the end?

Noooooooooooooooooo!

#Noooooooooooooooooo!

Mr D. Vader Age Undisclosed

Twitter

R.I.P FANWNAK. I can barely write

this as my eyes are still full of salty

tears. How can I ever distill my

feelings about FANWNAK into just

three words? How about... Theperfect trilogy.

Mr S. Ulking Age 58

Email

So this is it eh? Well, Fanwnak really

wasn’t my cup of tea anyway. Some

of the articles were brilliant but as a

whole it wasn't the sort of fanzine

than appeals to my personal tastes

as I prefer russian granny hypno-

porn.

Mr A. Rsehole Age 44

Email

So you’re regenerating eh? Well,

good luck Mr f*cking BANDRIL.. Oh,

and I really hope that CSO brings a

warm fuzzy yellow glow to your anus. A bit like them old Ready Brek

adverts.

P.S. I hate Ready Brek.

P.P.S and I hate Coldplay

Mr T. Hereishopeyet Age 83

Email

By the time I get to read this, you will

have uploaded all issues of

FANWNAK for FREE and I will be

everso smug that I didn’t have to

support you as a print fanzine and

pay for a copy. Your glossy pages are

wasted anyway. Die FANWNAK. Just

bloody Die! Ahhhh... that’s better.

Right I’m off to download a shed loadmore Fanzines for free, the way it

should be. Haven’t you guys ever

heard of the internet? I wish that all

print zines would go to hell. Pretty

Damn Free (PDF) forever!!!

Mrs F. Reeloader Age 21

Shouted through letterbox

FANWANK. FANWANK. FANWANK.

FANWANK. FANWANK. FANWANK.

FANWANK. FANWANK. Can’t you

guys spell? Did you go to skool?

Mr S. Fry Age 51

Turkey

This is my first and last letter to you.

Thank God this monstrous publicationis dead. You do realise that Doctor

Who is for kids and all this swearing

in your zine is f*cking unacceptable.

Right. I’m off to download some more

sh*t rap music from Piratebay.

Mr P. Rudishbastard Age 8

St Helens

CSO? Really. Well goodbye Scott you

tw*t. Don’t you know that the rest of

the industry call it Chroma Key? You

Idiot.

Mr I. TV Age 56

Email

I might aswell put the boot in too. ByeBye you useless bastrads

Mr T. Achyonfunnel Age 62

Email

Where has my article gone?

Mr N. Pope Age 46

Somewhere on Mars

Just three issues and our doormat is stilllittered with reader responses. OurPostman is off with a bad back and it’s all

your fault. Here is just a few of themessages now involved in a personal injuryclaim. Don’t bother sending anymore.

Letterbox

EVERYDAY THINGS

THAT REMIND ME OF WHONo. 3 : VARDAN

CAMBODIA A REAL HOLIDAY DESTINATION!

Hello. In times of Global recession it’s too good to know that foreign travel is stillaffordable and cheap. If you have never thought about a vocation sorry vacation toCambodia, here’s why it could be good for you. Why not come see our world famous killingfields, where three million were killed? That’s right three million! Guess you wonder howwe did it? Well here in Cambodia we take genocide seriously. In fact our tourist trade isbuilt around it. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a guerrilla soldier inCambodia? Have you always wanted to kill someone and then flee into the jungles? Wellnow you can with our very popular Pol Pot experience.

Why not sample traditional Cambodian cuisine? Like dog or roadkill? Or even fellowhumans? In Cambodia we have great diets, in fact none of our peasants in our fields eversuffer from obesity. It’s true. That is because of excellent Cambodian diet.

Have you ever wanted to time travel? Well, here in Cambodia you can experience thisfirst hand with our year one policy. Travel back and help us work the fields as a peasant.You never know you might just buy our ideology. Here in Cambodia we are naturalsuppliers of various conditions such as malnutrition and dysentery, which we truly believe

in sharing with all our happy guests. We have first-rate accommodation whether you’resleeping in a mud hut or just lying on some hay, you’ll be pleased with our service. Nowremember folks, no cameras, you could be a western agent. I hope you’ve enjoyed ourlittle advert and remember folks, to come and explore Cambodia with the Khmer Rouge.Then why not come and eat at Pong Ji traditional restaurant only three day by goat fromCambodia.If you want to experience real Guerrilla fighting or just relax with our youngprostitutes, we cater to all needs. We’re also recruiting now so why not come and spendyour GAP year here in our wondrous massage parlours?

n s t e r I n v a s i o n ) . 3 6 . A d i p o s e . 3 8 . M o ( a s i n M o F o ) . 3 9 . B u s t . 4 0 . E d ( T h e E d i t o r ) . 4 1 . I l l e g i b l e . 4 3 . B o e . 4 4 . P o e . ( P l a n e t O f E v i l ) . 4 5 .

M i n g m o n g s . 4 6 . Z y g o n . D o w n : 1 . A c r o n y m . 2 . L u b e d . 3

. N i m o n . 4 . Y a n a . 5 . C y b e r k i n g . 6 . S t a r g a t e . 7 . I n t r o . 8 . G y r a t e . 1 5 . O f c o m . 1 7 . S c r e a m s . 1 8 . L a p t o p .

O M G . 2 5 . D o b b y . 2 7 . S

l i t h e e n . 2 8 . O n a n i s m . 3 0 . O z ( D o r o t h y ) . 3 2 . G i l l a n . 3 3 . D

o d g e m . 3 4 . G o d . 3 7 . E l b o n . 3 8 . M e e p s . 4 2 . F e z . 4 3 . B o g . B l u e B o x P u z z l e : A l t . U n i v e r s e N i n t h D o c t o r ? A n a g r a

m : " D r . L a z e r R a g e " , a s s p o o f e d b y C h r i s t o p h e r E c c l e s t o n .

Fanwnak Issue 3

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Transcript of Fanwnak Issue 3