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Any kind of childhood siblingrelationship, even those that involveconflict, can have a positive effecton our ability to interact with peers.

A five-year study of two-year-olds,conducted by researchers at theUniversity of Cambridge, found thatduring these crucial years of cognitiveand social development, a childssocial understanding was accelerated by their interaction with siblings even among those who engagedin mild forms of sibling rivalry.

The accepted wisdom is that siblingrelationships are the prototype of adultrelationships, says Dr Peter Goldenthal,a US-based clinical psychologist andauthor of Beyond Sibling Rivalry(available from Amazon). Its yourfirst peer relationship. Thats why theyre so important.

Through pretend play, competitionand even bickering, were learninghow to read emotions, expressfeelings, compromise, negotiatealliances and resolve conflict, says

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Dr Goldenthal. The flip side, however,is extreme, prolonged sibling rivalry.Bitter competition for parents loveand attention, especially when fuelled by perceived parental favouritism, canhave a decidedly negative effect.

If favouritism is shown towards onesibling, the other suffers emotionally,says Dr Nitin Dharwadkar, seniorlecturer in psychological medicineat Monash University. That cantranslate later in life into depression,anxiety or chronic low self-esteem.

strIVIng FOr individuality

Theres a technique each of us withsiblings is hardwired to practiseknown as de-identification. We striveto make ourselves as different fromour sibling as possible. If one siblingis compulsively tidy, the other will bemessy; if ones academic, the othersartistic; and so on. One reason we dothis is because were jockeying for ourparents affection, but it can also stemfrom a desire to distance ourselvesfrom a sibling to whom we simply

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dont relate, or a primal urge to makeour own mark on the world. Thisprocess helps children figure out

who they are, says Dr Dharwadkar.Its one of the many things they

learn from growing up with brothersand sisters, Dr Dharwadkar adds.

InFluencIng Our transitioninto adulthood

In the world of sibling research, thisstage of life is still a new frontier.Researchers are just beginning toput together the puzzle of how majorlife events and milestones, such asfinishing school, going to university,leaving home, starting a job, gettingmarried and having children, canaffect the nature of sibling relationshipsand how those relationships may affectthese transitions.

A younger sibling, for instance,may experience feelings of loss whenan older sibling leaves home oralternatively, if they fought bitterly,they may feel a huge sense of relief andnewfound sense of self. If the departingsibling makes a successful transitioninto his or her independent new world,it could inspire how and when the

younger sibling takes the same leap and the ultimate outcome for both of them, personally and professionally,can further affect both the relationshipas well as each siblings feelings of achievement and self-worth.

determInIng Ou r mentalhealth and self-esteem

A 2007 US study of a group of menconducted over more than 30 yearsfound a strong connection betweena poor childhood relationship withsiblings and an increased risk of depression in adulthood factoring inthe quality of the childrens relationship with their parents, early loss of a parentand family history of depression.

Other studies have found aconnection between positive siblingrelationships in adolescence and higherself-esteem, academic competence andempathy, prompting further studiesinto the nature of these relationships.

enjOyIng Our later years

For better or worse, nobody knows usquite as well as our siblings. They area part of our core identity. And whenour children have grown up, friendshave drifted away and our parents aregone, their presence in our lives canprovide an immeasurable sense of comfort. Good sibling relationshipscan increase the overall morale of theelderly, especially when theyre goingthrough health or emotional crises,Dr Dharwadkar says. They act ascompanions, share reminiscences and validate each others sense of self.

But maintaining close sibling tiestakes work, and we should be mindfulof that before we skate off into thehectic world of adulthood, with allits obligations and distractions.

cOpIng WItH siBling rifts

There are countless reasons why we may not get along with oursiblings. It could be as simple asfeeling that we have nothing incommon with them, or as messy as an out-of-control family feud.

Resentments born in early childhood stemming from the various roles in which we might be cast (the smart one, the pretty one, the teasing older brother,the moody younger sister) orthe rivalries we may develop can spill over into adolescence,adulthood and even old age.

Unfortunately, those woundsrun deep and can be extremely difficult to heal. By the timepeople are old enough to realisethey have a problem with theirsibling that they want to dosomething about, so much hashappened, says Dr Goldenthal.And so much of it has not been under your control. If yourparents have done anything thathas contributed to an intense,nasty sibling rivalry, its extremely hard to undo that.

About 80 per cent of people inthe Western world have at leastone living brother or sister,and studies show that aroundtwo-thirds report that they areclose to their siblings. Still, thatleaves a third out in the cold withextremely conflicted feelings.

People often say, You should be close to your brother or sister, but theres no should about i t,says Dr Goldenthal. There isno particular reason why youand your sibling shouldautomatically click.

In his practice, Dr Dharwadkarsees two stages that lead tochronic adult sibling rifts: thefirst is when a dying parent seemsto be taken care of by only one

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sibling while the other is moreinvolved with their own family oroccupation, and the second is afterthe death of a parent, where the will is contested or where it statesthat a predominant portion is leftto the more attentive sibling.

Ive known people who wereabsolutely good mates for most of their lives and in their 60s, whena parent has died, they wont haveanything to do with each other,Dr Dharwadkar says.

Falling out with a sibling can be very lonely. Most people you confide in willadvise you to just try to patch things

up. But as Dr Goldenthal points out,it takes two. Just because you love your brother or sister and you feel sad,and perhaps guilty, that theyre not in your life, thats not enough, he says.Ultimately, both people have to wantto make it better.

So how do you cope when, despite your best efforts, theres no hope of reconciliation? First, suggests DrDharwadkar, you have to reachacceptance and know that youve tried

all you can and that if you keep trying,it might only lead to more hurt. Acceptthat this is the way it is and make acommitment that you have to moveon, even though you might not like it.

Part of moving on involves goingthrough the grief process. AsDr Dharwadkar explains, Initially, you have a sense of despair, a bit of depression or sadness and guilt. That will be followed by anger, frustrationand then, if you deal with the grief adequately, a positive and negativemix of memories. And finally, if youhave a good resolution of that grief, youll be left with only positivememories of that relationship.Thats how we deal with loss.

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