Family Style Living and Relationship

Building

Pre-Service Workshop

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Utah Youth Village

•Building Healthy Relationships

•Family Style Living

•Dealing With Stress

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RELATIONSHIPS FORM OVER TIME THROUGH A

CONTINUAL PROCESS THAT

INVOLVES COMMONEXPERIENCES AND INTERESTS.

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Teach Childrento have

Relationships

• with their own family

• with Treatment Families

• with teachers and community leaders

• with friends

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Communicating Communicating Relationships in Relationships in

TeachingTeaching DELIVERY• Nurturing with Teaching• Include Quality Components

BALANCE• Eliminate Robotic Delivery• Develop Appropriate

Tolerances• Maintain Appropriate

Boundaries

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BALANCE THE BALANCE THE HEAD and HEARTHEAD and HEART

• Technology– TrainingTraining– ConsultationConsultation– Common Common

sensesense– JudgmentJudgment

• Structure– RulesRules– GuidelinesGuidelines– LimitsLimits

• Connection– CompassionCompassion– PatiencePatience– UnderstandinUnderstandin

gg– Empathy vs Empathy vs

SympathySympathy

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There are no “relationship

guarantees” that ensure customer

satisfaction.

No

Guarantees

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Building Relationships is like Building a House.

You need a : • firm foundation

• good set of tools• dedicated routine

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Qualities of Healthy

Relationships Smiling Having Fun Playing Incorporating Humor Learning to Laugh at

Yourself Empathy Praising Listening Thoughtfulness Give and Take

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SmilingIf you see someone

without a smile, give them one of

yours.•Shows warmth• Instills trust•Viewed as friendly

and approachable

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Having FunLaughter is a

tranquilizer that has no side effects.

• Creates a warm environment

• Demonstrates “human” side

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PLAYThere is a kid in all

of us.• Use games to teach• Games teach lessons

about life– Sharing– Respecting Others– Taking

Responsibility– Following Rules– Accepting Defeat

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HumorIf you can laugh at it, you can live with

it.• Contagious• Eliminates dwelling on

the “bad”• Healthy• Creates a positive

environment in you home

• Avoid sarcasm

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Learn to Laugh at Yourself

Life is about 10% what happens to you, and

90% what you make of it.• Admit mistakes

• Model for youth• Learn what you can

and move on

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Empathy

• Understand feelings

• Process of healing and hope

• Look through youth’s eyes

• Help share pain and fear

• Soothes way for teaching • Shows you care

• Not an excuse for misbehavior

• Be sincere

There is no better exercise for the heart

than reaching down and lifting someone up.

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PraiseNothing improves a

person’s hearing more than praise.

•Helps kids grow emotionally

•Keeps treatment

positive

• Improves self-

esteem

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Important Elements of Good

Listening• Eye contact• Be understanding• Use appropriate facial

expressions and body language

• Restate the message• Physical touch can be

a powerful communicator

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ThoughtfulnessNo man can sincerely help another without helping

himself.

• Doing or saying nice

things

• Little acts of kindness

• Compliments

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Give and TakeWe too often love things and use people when we

should be using things and loving people.

• Golden rule

• Promotes teamwork

• Teaches/models

compassion

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Strong Relationships Can Withstand Pain

“best of times, worst of

times”• illness• academic problems• disrespect• anger• rebellion• depression• negative peer group• alcohol & drugs• family conflict• family tragedy

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Reasons Why You Should Build

Relationships with Youth

• The youth will spend more time with you.

• The youth will model your behavior.

• Your feedback has a greater impact.

• Creates a more pleasant atmosphere in the home.

• Opens communication between you and the youth.

• All human beings need relationships to grow.

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Adults cannot make a lasting difference

in a child’s life if there is no personal

connection.

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Traditions and fun time are especially important

when an individual is experiencing changes

and transitions. • To Create More Fun /

Relaxing Time:

– Schedule it– Have family nights

regularly / Family pictures– Take advantage of time

you already spend with the youth

– Be spontaneous!!

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Assessing Family Relationships in

Your Home• How much time do the youth

spend with you?• Do the youth do things to please

you and other family members?• Do they volunteer?• Do they show appropriate

affection?• Do you like to spend time with

the youth?• Does the family laugh together?• Are the youth loyal to your

home?

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Staying HappyCHECK TOLERANCE LEVELS

TEACH

GET ENOUGH REST

TAKE NAPS DURING THE DAY

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WEEKENDS

LIMIT WORK DISCUSSION DURING OFF TIME

ARRANGE PRIVATE AREAS TO STIMULATE RELAXATION

PHYSICAL EXCERCISE

Family Style Living & Relationship Building

Resources

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Things to add

• Take youth on vacations– Take program youth with you– Take no program youth with you

is second best option– Do not leave one program youth

and take another, especially to Disneyland

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• There are many reasons for developing positive relationships:

– The youth is more likely to spend time with the Family Teachers and in the home. He/she's less likely to run away should serious problems develop - and if he/she does, he/she'll be more likely to come back.

– The youth will be more likely to imitate the Family Teachers. He/she will be more likely to identify with their opinions and to agree with rationales they use in explaining certain rules and procedures in the home. Also, he/she would be more likely to model the appropriate social behaviors that Family Teachers use and teach.

– The youth is much more likely to be affected by the Family Teacher's feedback. Praise for his/her good behavior and disapproval for problems that might develop are much more likely to affect a youth who has a good relationship with his/her Family Teachers.

– The youth is much more likely to be communicative in the home. He/she would be more likely to want to converse with Family Teachers, and to initiate these types of conversations. It gives the Family Teachers and the youths a chance to learn the preferences and dislikes of one another.

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– The youth is much more likely to protect the program by defending it in front of peers and adults who may be critics. This is extremely important in developing cohesiveness in the home - that everyone in the home see themselves as part of it and are willing to defend it against critics and to support it in front of other people.

– The youths and Family Teachers will get infinitely more satisfaction from each other's presence and from their involvement in the program if both parties like one another.

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• Not only will a Family Teacher want to increase attention and compliments for what a problem behavior youth is doing well, but she or he will want to increase the amount of fun interactions where teaching or problem solving are not a major focus. Simultaneously, counseling sessions might be increased particularly sessions where understanding the youth's feelings and needs are the focus rather than the solving of problems. Counseling might follow "intensive teaching" interactions or situations where major consequences were given. In these instances, the focus would again be to understand and empathize with the youth and help him/her understand that the interaction or consequences were motivated by concern.

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FAMILY TEACHER SKILLS

• The following skills and activities have proven beneficial in developing good relationships with youths. The list might be periodically reviewed - particularly when a problem relationship exists.

• Being affectionate– touching– saying "I like you"

• Being brief and specific– when praising– when correcting– when describing alternative behaviors

• Calm, pleasant voice– when praising– when correcting– firm, but pleasant when confronting

• Celebrating birthdays– your own– your family– your youths

• Celebrating holidays

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• Concern - saying "I'm concerned"– when correcting– when teaching a skill critical to a youth's well

being (e.g., doing homework)• Correcting in a concerned manner

– saying "I'm concerned"– using positive correction (teach an alternative

behavior) - praising improvement– praising how correction is accepted

• Creating a pleasant environment– Good surroundings– Good meals– Time for work– Time for fun

• Fairness– Saying “I want to be fair”– Teaching what fairness is– Giving opportunities to speak– Voting at family meetings

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• Fun each day (30 minutes of family fun) – joking and laughing– playing games– rap sessions– contests

• Giving points– when an expected behavior occurs – when improvement occurs– when a "good try" occurs

• Giving rationales– when praising– when teaching new behaviors – when correcting– when giving negative consequence

• Have in-home vacations (weekend or holiday)– relax program after things have gone well – have youths decide on activities– be together

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• Offer help– learning new skills– with problems– with homework

• Offer time for a youth's concerns– Daily counseling for new youths– Daily counseling for youth “in trouble”– Time to speak at family meetings– Daily point conferences

• Praise, praise, praise– for accomplishments– for any appropriate behavior – for small improvements– for "good tries"– particularly in front of visitors

• Politeness– by youth– Promote politeness between youths

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• Positive correction– Teach alternatives when correcting– Provide opportunities to earn lost privileges

• Show you are on her/his side– by saying "I'm concerned"– by saying "I want to help"– by praising– by correcting at home and praising in public - by

defending youths to others• Smile, smile, smile• Empathy

– for frustrations– for tragedies in youth's life

• Time with each youth (15 minutes each day)– on homework– Just talking– reviewing cards– going shopping

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• Frequently, youths like routine rough housing and physical playfulness on the part of the Family Teachers.

• Of course, each youth is an individual and there are differences in the ways they respond to affection.

• One youth may enjoy a gentle touch, while another youth feels uncomfortable.

• Almost all youths like positive comments and compliments.

• If a youth has difficulty with accepting positive feedback, teach him/her how to say "thank you" to a positive comment and how to enjoy this expression of affection.

• Show affection to youths even if they initially have difficulty being affectionate.

• Statements and gestures of affection are extremely important to youth even though they have some problems with it.

• Teach them how to accept and enjoy affection. Merely modeling acceptance and displays of affection can be very helpful.

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Other Suggestions

• Touch on importance of Positive corrections

• Teach youth good social behavior

• Do in-home vacations

• Have regular family nights

• Avoid raising tolerance levels

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• Similarly, have daily counseling sessions with youths having major problems. It's important to demonstrate concern by offering the time, but equally important to take time to express your concern in words.This is particularly important if a youth has had to earn large consequences for problem behaviors.

• Youths who are doing well in the home should also be afforded regular counseling meetings - at least One- half hour per week. Take care not to assume that a youth who is functioning very well may not need time to discuss personal issues. Counseling sessions for these youths might be informal "rap sessions" or a period of time where post graduation plans or future career goals might be discussed.

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– Be empathetic. The most important problems in the world to a youth are her/his own personal problems with peers, teachers, and natural parents. By being empathetic of these problems, the Family Teachers can begin the development of a relationship. The Family Teacher should listen to the youth describe these problems. The youth may cry and be very unhappy at times. It is, of course, perfectly all right for the youth to cry and show unhappiness as long as the behavior does not interfere with other appropriate behavior. The Family Teacher should keep in mind' that he may not be able to help the youth with many of her/his severe problems such as having an alcoholic parent. The Family Teachers can, however, comfort and empathize with the youth about these types of problems. Merely listening itself can be a powerful influence. Sincere empathy wil1 have a very important effect on the development of a relationship between the youth and the Family Teacher.

– Be concerned. It's important that the youths feel that the Family Teachers are sincerely interested in these future. Thus, the Family Teacher should explain thus concern for the youth's future. Use rationales very frequently that relate to the youth's future success when she leaves Utah Girls' Village - in school, at work, in personal relationships, etc. Say the words, "I am concerned," or "We are concerned," when having to give corrective feedback to a youth. Do not assume that the youths will understand that the work and effort that you provide for them is a show of concern. Letting the youths know that this work is out of concern for them by telling them about your concern is an important facet of communicating that concern.

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– Show respect. Family Teachers should respect the opinions of the youths whenever possible. Family Teachers can show respect by praising the youths for suggestions that they make. Even if the Family Teacher does not agree with a suggestion that a youth makes, she or he can praise the youth for the fact that he/she is making a suggestion about the home.

– Have fun. Family Teachers should make sure that the youths have some period of time each day when they can have intense fun with one another. This period of time might last anywhere from five minutes to an hour. The Family Teachers need to develop a sensitivity to the kinds of activities that various youths enjoy, such as telling jokes, talking, touch in a joking fashion, wrestling and rough-housing, trading stories about adventures and competing with the Family Teachers in games such as ping-pong and pool.

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• Another element that demonstrates concern to the youth is in being her/his advocate. Be sure and tell the youth when you have been her/his advocate with teachers, with parents, with other Family Teachers, with the program director, etc. Many times the youth will not know about these instances unless Family Teachers describe these occasions to the youths. If a youth trusts the Family Teachers and is sure that the Family Teachers are her/his advocates, the youth is more likely to very carefully consider suggestions by the Family Teachers than if the youth feels that the Family Teacher's decisions about her/him are self -serving and selfish.

• Counseling is another aspect of the program that will demonstrate the concern of the Family Teachers for the future of the youths. Spend at least 15 minutes a day in an individual counseling session with new youths or youths having serious problems. It is absolutely essential to spend this amount of time or more with new youths every day during the first several weeks in the program in order to strengthen the initialrelationship. Let them know that this time is for them individually. Schedule it if need be. It is a very important part of the day for the youth to have her/his "special time." Naturally, this time will not always be spent in talking about problems - but may be only a "rap session" or a chance to share good things that have happened during the day.

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• Have activities as a family unit. Go out and have funas a family frequently. Approximately once a week take the youths out to eat at an informal restaurant such as Pizza Hut, go bowling, skating, to a movie, or whatever outing the family desires. Again, the normal teaching and control might be relaxed during the outing time. Do the teaching such as table manners, how to order at a restaurant, etc., prior to the outing so that fun can be the primary goal that the family has when together.

• It's also a good idea to take a yearly vacation. The vacation allows the youths to plan a camping trip from where to go, how long to stay, how much it costs, etc. They learn a lot and generally have more fun when they are a part of the planning.

• Some homes frequently enjoy having parties to celebrate special occasions such as Valentine's Day, Fourth of July, St. Patrick's Day or whatever excuse they can find for having a special occasion gathering. Of course, it's a good idea to regularly celebrate each youth's birthday. Getting the youths involved in making arrangements for the party, making the food, and buying the presents can be another way of developing cohesiveness in the family.

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– Be pleasant. Just as the Family Teachers want the youths to be polite and considerate, the youths are going to like it most when the Family Teachers are polite and considerate to them. The normal courtesies of "please" and "thank you" and speaking in a calm tone of voice should both be modeled for the youths so that they may learn these skills and also be used in day-to day interactions just out of respect for the youths. Considerate and gentle social behaviors, even when instructing and disciplining, will strengthen the positive relationships between the Family Teachers and the youths.

– Spend time with each Youth each day. As mentioned, the Family Teacher should spend some time with each youth individually every day. When time is short, this may only be a 15-minute counseling or "rap session". There are many opportunities to spend individual time watt, a youth - such as in preparing dinner, counseling, teaching him/her something about his/her school work, playing pool, shooting basketball, conversing about some topic of sex education, or just spending tame together while reading a newspaper.

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– Be flexible. It's important that the youths understand that the goal of the program is to help them be more successful and to be happier in their lives. This means that there is nothing absolute about anything about the program. The Family Teacher needs to explain in detail that the only reason for a program to exist is to help the youths. If a youth demonstrates a mature attitude in wanting to change some part of the program, the Family Teacher might want to seize on this opportunity to demonstrate to the youth that the program is flexible and adaptable to his/her needs. The Point Systems, Family Meeting, or anything else about the program are only tools used to help the youths.Nothing about their occurrence is sacred or untouchable. Any changes that the youth suggests that would make them better tools for them and for the Family Teachers ought to be seriously considered.

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– Be fair. Discuss fairness with the youths frequently. Whenever you have to take away a privilege or points, tell the youth the reason. The giving of reasons for why things occur is an extremely important aspect of fairness. Let the youths know that you are concerned that they improve in their social behaviors. Say the words "fair" and "concern" frequently. Ask the youths repeatedly if they think certain consequences are fair. In this way, you will demonstrate to the youths that fairness is a real concern that you have as their Family Teacher.

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• Utilize family meeting

• Even when the Family Teachers know exactly what the decision should be and what. consequences would be appropriate, it is still a good practice to ask the youths for their input. For example, suppose someone was setting fires in wastebaskets in the home. Such a situation is obviously very serious and strong consequences are necessary to ensure that it is stopped. Even so, the Family Teachers should involve the youths in the decision. Once a Family Teacher describes to the youths the dangers involved and realizes they understand these dangers, a Family Teacher might seek their input as to what type of consequence should occur for such a serious offense.

• As a rule, the Family Teachers should always ask the youths when a decision has been made, "What do you think?" or "How do you feel about that?" or "Is that fair?" In this way, the youths will learn to understand the concern for fairness that the Family Teachers have. This is extremely important in demonstrating to the youths what fairness is and in demonstrating that the Family Teachers desire to be fair.

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• The point being made here is that no rule nor any procedure can be separate from its consequences. If youths can responsibly handle a privilege, for example, the privilege can be maintained. Should they be irresponsible, the privilege might be lost. A Family Teachers' goal is teaching this responsibility.

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• Human relationships are a two-way system. The youths must be just as concerned with pleasing the Family Teacher as the Family Teacher is in pleasing the youths for the relationship to maintain itself. Teach the youths what behaviors please you and expect them to engage in those behaviors when they are around you. For instance, it's critical for the youths and for the Family Teachers that the youth learn to respond to instructions and to feedback in non-aversive manners. Your task, as a Family Teacher, is teaching and if the youth cannot follow instructions or accept feedback well, both of you are going to find your relationship very unpleasant. Each interaction that you have where instructions and feedback are given is an opportunity for the youth to learn how to behave in a pleasant manner while receiving feedback and instructions.

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• Realizing that the Family Teacher is ultimately the authority in the home and that the task of the Family Teacher as the authority is sometimes to give negative consequences, some research was done asking the youths about behaviors they preferred from Family Teachers. Youths were asked which behaviors they like and disliked in their Family Teachers. The following list was generated:

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• LIKED BEHAVIORS:– Calm, pleasant voice tone– Offering or providing help– Joking– Positive feedback– Giving points– Explanations of how or what to do

specifically– Giving of rationales– Fairness Concern Politeness– Being specific and getting to the point– Smiling

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• DISLIKED BEHAVIORS:– Describing only inappropriate behaviors Anger– Negative feedback– Profanity– Lack of understanding– Being bossy and demanding– Unfair point exchanges– Bad attitude– Unpleasant physical contact– Mean, insulting remarks– Not being given the opportunity to speak

Shouting– Accusing– Blaming statements– Throwing objects– Unfriendliness

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• From this list of preferred social behaviors, it is possible to identify several behaviors that the Family Teachers ought to frequently use - even when correcting youth:– Be pleasant - use a calm voice tone.– Smile.– Say positive, complimentary things about any good

thing the youth does.– Be specific.– Always explain alternative behaviors when

correcting a youth.– Use motivational incentives or rewards for

appropriate behaviors.– Joke with the youth when correcting him/her.– Tell her/him you are concerned.– Question him/her about the fairness of the

consequence.– Always give her/him a reason why a consequence

ought to be given.• These are preferred ways for the Family Teacher

to behave even though he/she at times has to cons equate the youth.

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• The two most obvious ways of assessing the degree of relationship that you have with youths are to: (1) observe the amount of time that the youths spend around you, and (2) occasionally ask the youths to do things that have no positive consequence for them. If the youth spends a considerable amount of time with you and will do things merely because you ask him/her and offer no reward, then you can be reasonably assured of a good, sound relationship.

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• Of course, all the components that we've talked about in relationship building are also indexes of degrees of positive relationship. If the youth says he/she likes you, touches you, jokes with you, is frequently with you, etc., then you can be reasonably assured of a good, positive relationship

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• There are two other checks that Family Teachers can make on themselves concerning their efforts to promote relationships. One is very simply how much time is spent in your own living area versus the area where the youths congregate. The other is how frequently do you attend youth athletic, academic and social functions. Both are important indexes of the Family Teachers' relationship building effort.

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PRINCIPLE:Youths who have had a history of negative

relationships with adults will tend to have negative relationships with Family Teachers. Youths can learn to improve their relationships with adults in two ways:

1. Adult behavior being acceptable to youths

2. Youth behavior being acceptable to adults

Rationale:Pleasant behaviors set the stage for a

mutually pleasant relationship to develop and continue.

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• PRINCIPLE: Just as a Family Teacher needs pleasant behaviors in interacting with youths, the youth's behavior needs to be acceptable to the Family Teacher for a strong relationship to develop and continue.

– THEREFORE Family Teachers need to promote pleasant behaviors in each youth. These behaviors are found in the Bays Town Family and Community Living Skills Curriculum.

• RATIONALE: Pleasant behaviors help the youth to form good relationships with many people - including those with whom he/she lives.

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Some key skills that make family-style living pleasant

are:• accepting criticism • concern for privacy • concern for possessions • cooperation• following instructions • giving compliments • greeting family members • helping others • accepting "no“

Joking• loyalty• laughing• mannerliness • positive statements • sensitivity • speaking to others • volunteering• disagreeing appropriately

Family Style Living and Relationship Building

Pre-Service Workshop

This training presentation is available for download at:

www.utahparenting.org

© 2007 Utah Youth Village.